Elderly?

I got an envelope today from Sunset magazine with a 'Special Offer for Senior Citizens' on it. WTF? Sorry - but when did fifty become 'Senior'? I thought 'it must be intended for J.'...but no, it was just addressed to me.

Might be a bit sensitive since I'm wearing my first EVER under wire bra - and have to admit that it has moved some flesh upward which is much needed - so now I'm an 'under wire bra' lady as well. This bra is the first under wire I've ever worn and it's pretty comfortable - so perhaps I can handle the 'lift and separate' action provided. I must admit I certainly need it.

Also, I finally got a hair cut earlier this week - and could not BELIEVE the amount of gray hair falling as she trimmed. Later that day, I stood for a LONG time in the hair color section, considering covering my gray but wanting to stick as much as I could to my 'normal' color. The selection was too much - and I had J. with me - and I gave up. Deciding to stick with my current 'gray at the temples' and 'gray hairs sticking out all over the place' look. It's working, so far.

We have appetizers in the oven - just for us! It will be a casual 'appetizers for dinner' kind of evening, with some beverages along the way....

Quiet

We will be ringing in the New Year at home this year - the annual party is not happening this year. Not sure exactly why and of course, won't pry. Last year, several couples were absent, having split sometime during the year. Other couples were present but with only one person attending - also because of a split. Since the theme of the party is playing games in teams, perhaps the numbers just weren't working out. That's OK. I honestly was sort of thinking an 'at home' New Year celebration would be nice - the only problem being my inability to stay awake. But I will, somehow.

So we're planning our own appetizers and beverages. And some kind of dinner - home made cheese enchiladas sound yummy! Possibly deciding to have some kind of 'film' marathon - Twilight series or possibly Harry Potter? Will spend the evening enjoying the company of those I most treasure - though admittedly, we have no idea what the plans are of either Son #1 or Son #2....and #2's plans will be carefully defined and crafted because we don't want him ringing in the New Year in any way that sets him back on his road to recovery.

Today will be a few errands, some work (real work), etc. The weather is clear but cold and there are a million things to do outside that a clear, sunny day makes possible. Now I just need the inertia to actually make them a reality.

I'm also going to make home made whole wheat bread today! Have not tried bread yet in my journey of mastering yeast. I did make foccacia bread the other night but sadly, the water was not warm enough so the yeast was sort of 'flat'. Still tasted good - just not as 'puffy' as foccacia usually is. Another try another night. It's really satisfying to be making Italian and know I can whip up our own 'bread' or bread sticks to go with the meal. And my Kitchen Aid mixer is really getting some good work outs, which is great - it's sure a great machine.

It's already 10 (I've only been up for an hour. I did wake up at 7 today - but it's still DARK at 7 and I just couldn't get myself to get out of bed....two hours later, it was time. Monday is going to suck....big time). I'd better get going - long lists on my sticky note screen of things to do, places to go, etc.

Happy New Year and wishing you all the best in 2011! It's going to be a great year - of that, I'm sure!

Control [Insert Alpha Here]

Turns out my sticky notes can be edited using the 'Control alpha' commands. Control B will bold, Control U will underline and Control T will strike through....so now I can enjoy the satisfaction of seeing completed items off the list until I update periodically and delete. Cool.

I did not rise by 7. In fact, I slept until after 9. Had a bad headache a good part of the night and since I can't see my clock from my bed (which really does help with just going back to sleep vs. knowing what time it is and fearing it's time to get up - admittedly not a factor during vacation weeks but might revolutionize my early-morning waking pattern on work days) so I just went back to sleep. J. was already out of the house getting his car serviced.

I'm working on culling out my closet and the garage. Took a Claritin-D in the hopes it would help my head....still 'on edge' (translation: nausea and trying to keep a migraine-level headache at bay). So I'm taking it slow. Heck, three whole days still remain....so there's still plenty of time, right?

So now my laptop screen is covered in sticky notes of different colors. Grocery lists, Costco lists, work list, home list, etc. Showed J. so he'll know to check the lists before he heads out to grocery or Costco, etc. Will hopefully ring in 2011 with a more organized Majah - having lists on the machine vs. paper works really well for me. I'm just not a paper person.

Time for more closet culling. I'm also convincing myself to just donate the various items in the 'garage sale' bins in the garage - we haven't sold them yet and we likely never will (since we just never get around to actually holding the planned sale). We currently have our entire living room furniture set in the garage (long story) and we definitely need to do some culling so we can get a car back in there soon. 4 cars, all parked outside. I can't imagine how we've managed to fill the garage but here we are. When the boys move out (someday), much will go with them.....but for now, drums, sports stuff, etc. have over taken the space.

I'm using the completely empty living room as a reason to start planning to have the 15 foot wall painted a contrasting color. Picture a deep plum. Would love to do the 'polished plaster' effect but not sure we can afford that. Still, I'm going to look into getting some ideas and estimates. Then save up to make it happen. It's a huge space with windows in odd places and I've always wanted to add color to make that space 'pop'. So now's the time! I'll try to document the process in pictures. I'm mildly tempted to 'hire' son #2 to make it happen - however, we'd need to put in scaffolding and I'm hesitant about doing that on our own. There's absolutely no way to tackle the project without scaffolding - so better to leave it to professionals. It won't happen tomorrow - we have car repair bills, veterinary bills, Christmas bills, regular bills.....so it will take some time to save up. It'll be a nice Spring project to plan for.

Sticky Notes

Progressing closer to the end of the 2010 Winter Break...I'm finding it hard to come to grips with the return to 'normal' days of work, work, work. Technically, I had planned to work a couple days this break - and still will - but have put off that time until the very end. Hmmmm......I've been frustrated by H. putting off a lot of his work until this week - but it appears he comes by the procrastination trend via genetics.

We've been enjoying a nice time at home. Getting stuff done, little by little. A lot of down time which involves doing not much of anything....and that's been really nice.

One of the neat things my new computer has is a 'sticky note' program that lets you post notes on the screen. I've had a running to do list all week and have accomplished things little by little. I love the lists that help me keep track of things - big and small - that need to be done. My only regret is that once you've completed a task, you just have to delete it. I'd love to line through them or highlight them (I highlight completed items on my to-do list - I have for years. It's so fun to 'see' all the yellow or purple highlights and realize how much I've done). I just have to delete things as I finish and keep adding new things as they come up. It's also great for grocery lists, etc.

Four days remaining. Tomorrow, I'm going to attempt what has been impossible: getting up before 8AM. I need to get back in the 'groove' of going to bed earlier and getting up earlier so Monday morning won't be such a shock.

Then again.......

See you in the morning. May be 7AM. May not be.

Better to Give.....

IF this was our last Christmas as a family of four, it was pert near perfect. And of course, we'll always be a family of four, though in years future we may be scattered hither and yon. It was the best of the best and one I will never forget.

Church was a blessing and warmed my heart. Love singing traditional Christmas carols in the beautiful church - decked out with candles, trees, poinsettias, garland and friends all around. I scolded myself for not attending more regularly....and missed my mom - a lot. She would have so enjoyed going to services with us, I think - it's so beautiful to sing Silent Night lit only by candles. It's a very special night and we enjoyed it. We drove around looking at lights for a little bit and then watched The Santa Clause - and were pretty much 'done' by around midnight. Not bad. Though J. (bless his heart!) finished up a couple things this morning before we were all out of bed. We slept in until NINE!!

I think this is the Christmas that son #1 realized the joy of giving....of selecting things personally and spoiling someone just because it's Christmas. And the person he chose to really overwhelm with his gifts was his younger brother - thus making it all the more special. H. unwrapped a CD - which he thought was the CD he'd asked for. He was thrilled. It was from his brother and he was over-the-moon happy. A few moments later, he unwrapped another CD from his brother - and realized the first CD was a 'special edition' compilation disc of the band he wanted the CD from AND a bunch of other groups....and the second CD was the coveted CD. He was TOTALLY excited and so appreciative....and B. was so happy to have given those two CDs to H. 'cuz it was so obvious how much H. loved them.

And then, H. saw ANOTHER gift under the tree from B. to him - and one that was wrapped identically with only 'To B.' on it. So they unwrapped those together - and B. had purchased TWO double barrel rifle Nerf guns for them to blast each other with. It was so perfect - H. was so excited. They didn't 'have these kind of cool guns when we were little' - which both J. and I sort of laughed about 'cuz we're STILL (honest and true) finding assorted Nerf ammunition of all shapes and sizes throughout closets, dresser drawers, etc. But these 'new' Nerf weapons have the ability to shoot very quickly - and repeatedly - with less frequent human intervention than in the past.

B. discovered the joy of picking something out so perfect - and so improbable - and then getting one for himself, too - so they could 'play' together. It was perfect and so, so fun - absolutely perfect. H. was just stunned - but also so incredibly excited - to see two young men reliving their childhoods as adults was great. Even the part where they put the guns straight up and shoot at the ceiling. Our old house had blue circles on the ceiling from one 'battle' gone vertical.

It was perfect. And it warmed my heart to see that all the careful planning - and effort - and execution year after year is rubbing off on them. Both picked out great gifts for family members - and they did it all on their own. They both needed help with wrapping - don't ask me why but they are both totally inept at the wrapping part - but they shopped and selected all on their own. H. got me some PERFECT fuzzy socks to wear to bed - which I really needed AND wanted - perfect!

Santa spoiled us all and it was a great morning. J. is downloading the entire Beatles catalog from iTunes as I type. He wasn't sure he 'wanted' it - which translated to he DID want it but was having trouble rationalizing the purchase. So I made the decision for him and bought the iTunes gift card for the complete box set. He's a happy guy who's hogging our downloading bandwidth as he downloads 100's of songs into his computer iTune library. Small price to pay.....

Ham is simmering in ginger ale. Au gratin potatoes, green bean casserole, crescent rolls and berry pie will be consumed in a few hours. J. and I just had bacon, eggs and toast to give us some protein. The boys are living on stocking candy and cinnamon rolls, etc. Protein is highly overrated when you're a growing boy.....

The scavenger hunt was a huge success as well - and now one of them is shopping for a new cell phone (and quite possibly their very own cell phone plan - and paying their own bill from now on!!) and the other will be working on getting estimates for his souped up car stereo.

As for me, I've got new books, new movies (Eclipse!, Fantasia, Toy Story 3) and a GPS for geocoaching which I plan to put to good use hiking around our county looking for treasures. The kids seemed mildly interested - I told them it's like being able to have a scavenger hunt every day - or whenever - and I think when it's not raining (which it is now and will be for a few days), we'll head out to hike around and see what treasures we can find. Figured it was a good way to get J. and I up and moving more and if the boys feel like tagging along, all the better.

Even Chloe was spoiled rotten with lots of toys and her little tennis balls she loves to play with.

It's been a magical, fun day - the perfect Christmas - and it's not over yet. It's been a fantastic day and one we will always remember. This time next year, we may be Skyping with our oldest son vs. sitting down to dinner with him. And that's OK.

Hope your day was perfect and magical, too.....

Eve 2010

The neighborhood is buzzing with activity. Families gathering. Saw a lady in the Walgreen's parking lot wrapping gifts in the back of her SUV. It's a busy evening everywhere.

We're heading out to church shortly -

The day flew by - spent most of the morning making cinnamon and caramel rolls for tomorrow. 9 cups of flour and we end up with four pans of rolls. That's a lot - but I would have liked to have taken some to a couple friends. Maybe between now and New Years. I am a 'real' baker now who stores my flour in big plastic tubs with lids that hold 10 pounds each. Bread is on my list for this weekend.

After church, we'll drive around enjoying lights.

Most everything is wrapped and ready though there are always quite a few 'last minute' things to take care of. It will be a late night. B. slept until after 2PM - we're not sure exactly what time he got home last night. He'll be up late and required to stay in his room so the guy in red can do his thing as early as possible.

It's Christmas - and it's magical. And as exhausting as it is, I always feel grateful and proud of how we celebrate. The boys insist that church be a part of this evening. I tried to suggest we could go to the morning service - but apparently, Christmas day is a day to just hang out in our PJs and eat too much....the idea of getting dressed and ready for a 10:30AM service was not well received....so tonight it is. I love the candlelight service - it's so beautiful.

This time last year, we had a surly H. with us. Pissed off at having been 'found out' and not at all happy with being restricted to within an inch of his life. He's like a different kid these days - still somewhat surly at times, but it's the normal teenage angst surly - vs. the stoned out of his mind, pissed off and hating everything surly that was last year. Glad those days are behind us. Hope they are behind us permanently.

To family and friends near and far, we wish you joy in this evening and abundance in faith for tomorrow. Jesus is the reason for the season and I'm so blessed to know that. Really, truly KNOW THAT.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Have a wonderful day tomorrow -

Cashing In

We have a joke in our house....a running line.....

Whenever J.'s parents needed money - whenever there was a big expense approaching (say, for example, our wedding and wedding rehearsal), J.'s mom would say to J.'s dad 'Honey, it's time to cash in some bonds'. It used to crack us up.

We are becoming J.'s parents. So much of what we have is not easy to 'get to'. It involves a transaction - liquidating something. Sure, we don't want to do that - savings are savings and we prefer to leave them be.

But it's Christmas - and for all we know, this will be the last Christmas both kids are home for awhile. So, I've put my austerity budget on hold and instructed J. to 'cash in some bonds'.

Don't worry. We're not dipping into anything we can't afford to dip into. It's just a way of saying that I want to make this a really great Christmas - so we need to rustle up some cash-moola to ensure success. We could have stuck to our plan - it was a fine plan. And truthfully, we're not deviating too much from that plan. Just a teeny, tiny bit. Isn't that what saving up is all about? Sometimes, I'm in that mood of 'we work hard and all we do is save, save, save....' and today was one of those days. Thankfully, I won't have to 'regret it' in the morning. We'll be fine. It's only money, right? I figure I'm working another 15-17 years or so - so darn it all to heck! I'm going to spend a bit!

Wow, we are so blessed.....I'm making year-end donations, too!

I just went to Target (two, in fact) and made some purchases that will be useful and fun. I have a lot of wrapping to do -

I saw mom's with kids and a grandparent in tow. It reminded me so much of my mom that it hurt my heart to think about it. She'd arrive on an airplane and we'd be waiting for her - with Santa hats or other holiday hats, and bells on our shoes. The kids would get so excited, they could hardly stand it - waiting for Christmas wasn't just waiting for the guy in the red suit. It was waiting for their beloved MamaG. And as she did for all her grand kids, she'd start spoiling them rotten immediately. We frequented Target when she'd visit - and she'd go crazy getting all of us stuff. Some years, she was 'flush' - other years, slightly more careful. But no matter what, she'd take us shopping. It'd get so bad that I'd just look down at the ground 'cuz if I even glanced in the direction of something I might even remotely covet, it was like magic: POOF, it was in the cart. She loved to spoil us. It was hard watching all those grandma's spoiling their kids' kids.....but it was also good memories. Christmas has always been magical in this house and this year will be no exception.

We are heading out to dinner AGAIN tonight - another sign I'm loosening up the purse strings a bit....a new restaurant opened up and we're going to give it a try. I've been craving a good burger all day! Then it'll be an evening of wrapping and preparing for the annual Christmas cash scavenger hunt. J. helped with the clues this year - and they are really good. The boys are going to have to get their thinking caps on to figure out where the hidden stashes are!

Casa O

We're heading to Casa Orozco in Livermore - a favorite Mexican food place that we save for very special occasions. We are celebrating several things - first, and primarily, H.'s sixth month anniversary of his sobriety - a big milestone. Second, the tenth year anniversary of moving to Tracy and the purchase of our home. And lastly, but not leastly (yes, that's improper grammar - sorry, cousin S. but it's creative license with rhyming) - the fact that we are all in the same place at the same time - no one working. Or with plans elsewhere. Certainly a great reason to celebrate 'cuz the odds of the four of us being able to go anywhere and do anything together at the same time is very rare. So we'll seize the moment and drive to Livermore for a delicious dinner!

J. is schlepping packages to the post office for me. And mailing various cards, etc. with gifts enclosed. He and H. will also be schlepping the recycling to the recycle center and return home with cash. H. gets a 50% payment of whatever we collect since recycling is his job.

I braved the freezing cold wind and worked outside for a bit. The Japanese maples have lost their leaves and the leaves are covering the flower beds in a red/brown wet, mash. Some are managing to blow into the pool and spa and I feel sorry for the pool guy who comes in a couple days so I'm trying to clean it up a bit. The front also needs raking - from the neighbors trees, not ours. I'll get to that shortly.

The cleaning ladies come tomorrow and I don't like to be here when they're cleaning - so I'm going to head to my office for a bit. Have been doing some massive cleaning out of files, etc. and working alone with my iPod blaring is a good way to spend the morning. I'll get a lot done. I have a couple projects that need working on as well - and I'd rather start the new year feeling ahead a teeny, tiny bit vs. feeling behind - so a couple days of work out of 16 days off is do-able.

Chloe was sick yesterday - she threw up her entire breakfast within minutes of finishing and spent the day being totally cuddled. Everyone felt so sorry for her - her droopy ears and non-smiling face, lethargic puppy just stayed cuddled up on whatever lap was available. Not sure what she ate but she's right as rain this morning - back to her usual perky self. Sadly, her mama (me) is apparently bored and I've started to dress her. She got a pretty pink 'sherpa-like' coat on Sunday and she's been wearing a plaid, fleece-like garment for warmth. I think she appreciates being warmer - but sort of walks around looking like she feels dumb in whatever outfit she's in. We're trying to get some pics....but that's a challenge in itself. Maybe sometime this week. Target had the cutest holiday dog PJ's - but not in her size. God's surely looking out for her 'cuz they were as cute as they could be and I'm sure she would feel really dumb in those, too. Still, think of the possibilities - if I became one of those people that dress up their dog. Could happen. A friend of ours even bought rain boots for their dog - I won't go that far....but it's tempting.

Back to wrapping gifts. And cleaning out closets.

Spouting Off

OK - forgive me - but I just have to say this.

Are you watching 60 Minutes? We are. We never miss it.

One of the segments is on the growing crisis facing State's across the country - many in dire straits. California is among them.

The Governor of New Jersey was spouting off about how the real issue is the growing obligation of state pension funds - and insists that people who have pensions should be forced to give them up. "Who has pensions these days?", he stated.

Before everyone jumps on the band wagon of blaming your local teacher, or other school employees or State workers - know this about how State 'pensions' work.

I put 7% of my salary into our State's pension fund. That is money I MUST contribute - I cannot opt out. My employer matches that dollar for dollar - so my school district has to use part of it's funding to fund my retirement. And my employer is actually forced to pay a few percentage points MORE than I am. All together, between me and my employer, a combined 16.3% of my salary is sent to the state EVERY SINGLE MONTH. The employee and employer make these payments to the state every single paycheck. Teachers do too, and in fact, the payment for teachers is a little more than for me.

So before everyone assumes that these pensions are 'State money' being given away to people - they are not. They are funded by the employees and the various employers - and the State is responsible for investing those monies into investments that have long-term gains guaranteed to fund the pension benefits we will be entitled to when we retire. When you hear a State say they can't fund their pensions - it's because someone at the State failed at their job: failed to invest the funds and keep them safe and growing to fund retirements as they happen. That's not the fault of the employees or employers. It's the fault of the State.

It fries me no end to hear people complain about State pensions. My responsibilities would earn me double what I'm making if I were to find a comparable job in the corporate world. And I'd make a contribution to a 401k and my employer would hopefully match it - similar to the fund I contribute to now. The only difference is: I know exactly what my monthly payments will be when I retire. Unlike 401K's, when I die, my heirs receive nothing. Other than my 7% - which I could withdraw in a lump sum if I'm willing to forfeit any monthly benefit - I am not entitled to any of my employer's contribution. As people move out of the jobs, the payments their employers have made stay to fund the retirement of other people. Employers get none of their contributions back EVER. And their employees never benefit either if they leave the system - they take what they've contributed only and their employer's contributions stay and are not refunded.

It's not the fault of the individuals receiving the pensions that the State's are in dire financial straits and can't fund all their expenses. State government needs to quit whining and fix the problem: balance the budget and stop spending money they don't have for things they can do without. Our state is making some big changes in how education is funded - and while these changes are (still, for the moment) temporary and set to expire in a couple years, we're hopeful they will retain them long term. Changing the funding has eliminated some jobs at the State level - which isn't great - but it is a reduction in expense which the State desperately needs to do.

All of the above is in the most simplistic terms and I realize everything is a heck of a lot more complicated than this post. But don't threaten the retirements of millions of people across the country because someone convinces you THAT will solve the issues. It won't. It will only add to them. People who work in the public sector make that choice for a variety of reasons - and many have been in the public sector their entire careers. So to renege on their retirement would be wrong.

OK - enough politics and stuff.

Day 2 of vacation. Ran errands yesterday. Today, stayed home. Made home made beef noodle soup. We met with one of B.'s friends selling Cutco knives (which I've been coveting for a long time) and Santa brought me and J. a present - a beautiful set of knives that are amazing and will last our entire lives and the lives of the boys. They will probably be fighting over them when we're gone. (Though I'm planning to get them each a set as a wedding present). I'm really enjoying doing more cooking and having good tools to use will greatly help me. Encourage me to try new things. It's also great to help a college kid make some money so he can now enjoy his winter break - he'll be able to take a week or two off now since he made a good sale and gets a good commission.

Still have 14 days off ahead. I'm struggling to sleep in mornings....this morning, woke up at 3:30, 4:30, 6:00 and finally up just after 7. It's hard to stay asleep....and honestly, shifting my sleep to going to bed later and getting up later will only totally mess me up for WEEKS when work starts again. Which it will....so better to try to stay 'normal' as much as I can. It's great not setting any alarm....love that. And if I can easily go back to sleep, I will...but forcing myself to stay asleep is not working too well.

I'm planning to make home made whole wheat bread and get dough ready for cinnmon rolls on Christmas morning. It will be quiet and quick. I need to get scavenger hunt clues ready. I'm trying so hard not to just buy a bunch of stuff for under the tree. I've got a few things but not much - and I really don't want to spend money for things they don't care about. But it's hard - though I know they will be excited about having money. Especially H. 'cuz he really wants to get a car stereo for his car. And B. really wants a new phone. His died and he's using mine (swapped chips). So they'll have the cash they need to get what they want - and just not much to unwrap under the tree.

Hump Day

Three down, two to go.....

The third passed primarily with me in bed - migraine category headache and upset stomach. Made it through the breakfast I was co-hosting with my boss and then dropped off leftovers at home. Dropped off my breakfast, too - and decided I'd be better off staying home. 30 minutes of rescheduling my entire day - which I'll pay for tomorrow which was already pretty full and is now totally booked solid from 7AM on. Sucks to not even have the time to take a 'sick' day.

We have our office holiday party tomorrow evening and then just have to make it through Friday - and then it's just a nice slide into 16 days off! IN A ROW! Just the thought of sleeping in that many days makes me giddy! And for me, sleeping in is getting up around 6 or 7 - but it's still an extra 2 or 3 hours.

All of us are under the weather.....all the men in my life are scratchy-throated, stuffy-headed, achy beasts. Glad we all only have two more days - and pray we don't need the entire week before Christmas to recuperate. So many projects loom.

The kids have augmented their Christmas lists to include new cell phones. They do need them - both of their phones are dying - making using them to roust them out of bed or send text messages of reminders close to impossible. They aren't working well enough to guarantee consistency. They are old. Of course, the phones they covet are hugely expensive - and so we are agreeing to get new phones this year in lieu of the planned gift of cash. This is going over sort of lukewarm. Hmmm....when they realize they're using their money to pay for something, how quickly they understand just how expensive things are. So we're in the negotiations.

I'm not used to this computer and I just deleted a small paragraph - and I have no idea how I did that. So I give up - I'm going to bed.

Lift Off

Humming right along on my new, super fast, sleek (though considerably bigger) laptop. Got a blue screen again on the old one so decided it's officially time. The old one is still 'working' - and I'll still use it for playing some computer games that are on it - but my new, pretty Dell is now the official Majah computer. Successfully moved Quicken over to this PC this morning. Also made the first cyber purchase (more to come momentarily); enjoyed some virtual farming, city planning and forging new frontiers. The keyboard is much larger and that is taking some getting used to. And the delete button is in the weirdest place ever but I hopefully won't have to use Control-Alt-Delete as much on this computer vs. my old one - no freezing up anytime soon - so that won't be too much of a problem.

H. is taking a culinary arts class so we've been cooking up a storm. Made home made chicken pot pies last night - good but a little too salty. Was a good recipe to try since he has to critique the recipes and so he has something to comment on. This morning, we're whipping up some cinnamon and sticky buns for me to take to work tomorrow. And hopefully we'll have enough dough left over for homemade pizza tonight - otherwise, we'll be whipping up a home made pizza crust later today. We're also making Christmas sugar cookies - though we will be decorating them via a shortcut. Purchased edible paper transfers of pretty designs to put on the top of round cookies. Really just wanted to try them out and see what they're like - we'll also decorate some with more traditional methods.

Tree is up and lit. Decorating later today. Wrapping Central is set up in our bedroom. Have to finish shopping for out of town family shortly and then get things ready to mail.

Only five work days until vacation. It is a long week and it is jammed. Feel a little weary just thinking about it. Minutes tick by no matter what....so I know I'll make it through. We have a fun work holiday party planned on Thursday evening - we're doing Secret Santa's again this year and I've been struggling to find the right 'White Elephant' gift for the person I'm being Santa for. I'm not sure I get the concept of White Elephant but I think I've figured it out yesterday. It's goofy, has no practical purpose and the person will probably want to get rid of it as soon as possible. I think I've got it figured out finally!

OK - first official blog post on new computer crossed off the list of firsts for this machine.

Back to baking!

Counting Down

Up early to get my virtual farming fix - and it appears the game is down. So I'll write myself a little reminder of the happenings here - boring as they may be.

Only eight days of work left before Winter Break! Yeah! Days are busy and full so that is great 'cuz they fly by. Not so great 'cuz there's so much to do - and at some point, there will be a 'just stop'. Some of it will keep. It will have to.

J. and I seem to be well prepared for Christmas - most of the purchased gifts so far are for us! The boys have 'stuff' for under the tree - it's just so hard to know what to get them these days.

H. is back on his path to transfer back to his 'old' high school after the Winter Break. I understand completely that he really wants to be back with his friends and graduate with the kids he's known since we moved here. I just worry about all the technical parts of making that happen. I've given the responsibility for figuring it all out to J. My head and heart need to just stay out of it at this point. If he goes back, I worry about things like: he didn't have Senior portraits done, so he won't be in the year book. We didn't order announcements and his cap and gown and all those mechanical things - but they must have ways of making all those things happen. I'm sure they do. It will all work out. If he can pull off getting caught up before/during the winter break, then I guess we'll allow him to go back to his 'school of choice'. And then just keep our fingers crossed his last semester of high school goes OK.

B. got his hair cut with a zero - he's bald, basically. I don't like the look but it's not my head - but I still have a startle response every time I see him (which thankfully, at the moment, isn't often. Work, school, social life - he's rarely home these days, or at least not home and vertical when I am). So it will grow out a bit in the next couple weeks and then I'll recognize him again.

My new laptop is on the FedEx truck and should be here any day. And it appears I don't need it - 'cuz my lap top is behaving itself so far. Oh, the tangled web of rationalizing an expensive purchase that is not technically a need. It will be someday, though, right? Right?

Christmas tree is in the living room with no decorations on it. Nada. Zip. Lawn decorations are up and lit at night. Pretty. We're not doing lights on the house - saves electricity. The lawn stuff is 'enough'. Hopefully, we will decorate this weekend. I worked absolutely all weekend on my big report but will hopefully be home this weekend (for the most part). Here's hoping.

Enjoyed a work event in San Francisco on Monday evening. Nice dinner with friends and went in on BART a little early and did a little shopping. I love the city at Christmas - it's magical. We will be returning with the boys sometime during the break - it's always fun!

I've got to get going - missing my farming fix (which is a very relaxing way to start the day). There's much to do at work and meetings most of the day so I'd better get in to my office to tidy up a bit before heading out for meetings.

Or Maybe Not

Here I am, typing away on my broken, dead computer. It's been tooling along quite nicely - all the more amazing 'cuz now, I'm pretty much trying to get it to crash 'cuz I ordered a new computer and it will be here any day!

Never underestimate the power of Google. After the crash that I thought was the final crash (since it went straight to blue screen), J. did a little Google research and got it back into 'safe mode'. This PC uses Windows XP - so he logged on using his user ID. And the PC was totally fine. Email, Internet - everything working perfectly. So we ran a Norton system check - it took all night last night. But this morning, I carefully booted up. And it was fine. I left for the day leaving my iPod here and J. ensured all my purchased songs were moved off the PC and onto my iPod. I was most worried about the iTunes library, documents (Word, Excel, etc.) and the Quicken files - everything else, I figured when it seized up again, we'd just consider it done.

But here it is close to 8PM and since shortly after 5, it's been all systems go - using my ID and meandering the Internets with wild abandon.

So you see my dilemma...I have a very expensive, very nice, very, VERY FAST PC on it's way to me any day - and this one is back to working fine.

Considering taking a seasonal job as a WalMart greeter to buy myself a little Christmas present.

Truth is, we will probably keep the new laptop 'cuz Murphy's law will probably kick in and immediately upon returning the shiny, new lightening speed lap top, this one will die again. And I'll be back to sad, depressed, pissed off, irritated Majah instead of sunny, bright, happy, cyber-farming, cyber-banking Majah. J. likes all the me(s) there could possibly be but he likes the sunny, bright, happy cyberly-connected me the best. Right, J.? (Just agree, Sweets - it's so much easier.) :-)

And another funny story re: our TV saga. So we've been in the 'discussion' phase of TV negotiations for weeks. I've been hemming and hawing. Insisting that we can just shift things around and 'make do' with a used TV from J.'s brother for the kid's media room and move their newer TV down here. But I finally agreed to purchase a 42 inch flat screen for down here. And unlike the $3,000 TV we had (purchased years ago - HD had come 'down' a lot then but still was hugely expensive - but we have a 'surround sound theater' set up in our family room and a nice TV is a part of it - and the TV we replaced was a 2nd hand 'from a friend' TV)....anyway, this new TV was flat screen, weighed only 35 pounds, cost a mere fraction of our previous TV and was awesome.

For about one hour.

See, we have a built in TV 'nook' in our family room wall. Without a TV, it's a giant albatross of a gaping hole that serves no purpose other than to irritate your spatial orientation. So the 42 inch was OK - but there was a lot of gaping hole visible on all sides. And I don't like that. I don't want gaps. I want that sucker plugged up entirely - housing what it's intended to house - a large TV.

47" flat screen, to be exact.

Which was on sale at Costco (sale ended yesterday), was 'older' packaging so it's being discontinued and therefore, not available everywhere - but J. located one in Livermore yesterday and had them put it on hold for us. Which meant that after a hugely long day - because it was the first day back after a week off and honestly, it was the hardest thing I've done in a long time to get myself up and out of my warm, toasty bed at the 'late' hour of 5AM - I got to drive my little SUV to Livermore to meet J. and pick up the 45" TV that won't fit in his car. For $173 more than we spent, we filled up the gaping hole. Everyone's happy. Our bank account $173 less happy, but it's OK. It will rally - I'll make sure it will.

Livermore sounds familiar, right? So I did a spur of the moment call to my friend and amazingly, she was able to go to dinner - so in addition to getting a bigger TV, I had a terrific dinner with my sweet friend. And she's recently found out she's going to be a mommy for the first time so we had a lot to catch up on. It was tons of fun and was really a good lesson in 'seize the moment'. The 'old' me (the 30 year old me) would have been too tired to be out late. But the new me - the one who's 50 and just feels like life is getting shorter and shorter by each ticking second - wants to make time to be with people I enjoy being with. So I did. It was a blast.

The new TV is installed and fits beautifully. No gaps! We just have to box up the old and return it (love Costco's return policy) - and viola! We are HD and flat screen and it's awesome!

So, old working PC, new soon-to-be delivered new PC, old dead TV, old too small TV and new awesome big TV are all co-existing nicely. For now. Dead TV will be eWasted as soon as possible. Old PC is TBD. Too small new TV will be returned ASAP.

It's just an 'average' two days in a mundane life.....

(Successfully about to post a blog post - yet another confirmation that this old piece of $%#@ PC is still holding it together). I need to create a hugely complicated Excel spreadsheet, full of macros and formulas and web links [and lots of circular references just so I can really keep the PC working away] - and then attach that spreadsheet to an email, include a Word document attachment to explain it all and send THAT email into cyberspace to see what happens....I'd better get busy.

Over

Computer is dead (again). Won't boot up (again). Blue screen of death (again). I'm hoping we can get the computer geek to refund the $120 we paid for him to keep it 4 days and (apparently) do little to resolve the 'core' issue...whatever that may be.

I ordered a new PC on Costco.com. Should be here by the end of the week, I hope. It's only money, right?

Heading off to work shortly. Getting a jump start on a busy week.

In the mean time, I'm sharing J.'s computer - which means I just posted a blog post on HIS blog without realizing I was on HIS blog. (I deleted it of course - lest his readers be surprised about him posting something about a computer vs. the political stuff he usually posts). He hasn't posted in a long time -but he was 'logged in' to blogger so that's where my post landed.

This will be an interesting week of co-computer use.

Toodles, Firefox

We trekked to Costco. I rarely go to Costco these days. I don't remember the last time we were there together. And today was a great reminder as to why I don't go: I purchased $80 of stuff I didn't know I needed or wanted until I saw it. Yes, they were great deals. But I was doing just fine without any of it before I saw it available there. Gosh, they sure get ya, don't they? Still, four pairs of pants and 9 pairs of underwear for $80 - and I did really need them. Though I probably wouldn't have been shopping for them this weekend.

The thing we went for and didn't get was a Dell laptop. They only have HP's and Acer brands in the store. The HP computer that was comparable to the Dell we were planning to buy was $150 more than the Dell available at Costco online. We're frugal....and I have a strong aversion to HP. No particular reason. Just do.

In the mean time, I switched to Internet Explorer and did fine all day. And after a tip from my cousin D. in Oklahoma (Hi D.!), I discovered what the compass-like short cut on my desk top is for - it's for Safari - yet another Internet explorer that also is working very well. So perhaps just skipping FireFox and using IE or Safari will be enough to allow this laptop to limp along for another few months. That would really help given it's Christmas - and I did a fair amount of cyber shopping this weekend.

We did install our new flat screen TV. Got H. and three of his buddies to help get the old one down from the TV nook. J. and I were easily able to lift the new one up into the space. 150 pounds vs. 35 pounds. Wow, technology has come a long way....and this TV was 1/5 of what we paid for the one we purchased only six short years ago. So now we're back up and running on the TV front in the family room - and we have a huge, heavy six year old non-working TV in the garage that is too expensive to repair. We'll be looking for an eWaste event soon to dispose of it.

The boys also moved a 'new' (used) dresser (very heavy) up to H.'s room. It came from his Uncle B.'s house and H. has been needing a larger dresser. So that'll be one of his projects for the last day of vacation - moving stuff from one dresser to the other. Then we'll carry his old, little dresser down to the garage and add another item to dispose of ASAP.

I couldn't cope with turkey leftovers again for dinner....so we headed to McDonald's. Buying food for four starving teen boys is pretty amusing. The lady behind us thought we were nuts - and I'm pretty sure she assumed we were buying for our grandkids. We took three bags full of burgers and fries (and chicken sandwiches) and drinks back home and fed the volunteer work crew. It was great of them to help and with the four of them, J. didn't have to lift a finger on getting the old TV down - which I was glad about. I don't want him getting hurt. He's already achy - knee and shoulder giving him a fair amount of issues daily. Poor guy.

It's hard to come to grips with tomorrow being my last day off. The next three weeks will be jam packed with holiday parties, holiday to-do's and massive amounts of work stuff. It's a very busy time of year for me. Thankfully, only three weeks of work followed by two full weeks off - and we are all really looking forward to that break. Already.

Signing off for the night. Last night of staying up late (it's approaching 11 and I can't believe I'm still awake). Sleeping in tomorrow. And busy all day attempting to finish the zillions of things I will realize I need to finish around 10AM tomorrow - all in one day. It's just the way I roll....waiting until the last possible minute to get it all done. But I will. I always do.

That's It -

The damn lap top is acting up still/again! I'm done. I am buying a souped up laptop TODAY. I don't care how much it costs. Throwing our budget out the window. It's only money, right? There's a 42 inch flat screen TV sitting in it's box in our family room - if the boys in this family can have a new TV we could live without, technically, then the one girl in this family is going to have the one thing she really misses when it's acting up - her laptop. Period. End of story.

J. is working on backing up all our tax returns and financial records onto his desk top as a precaution. By tonight, I will hopefully be back to humming along with no issues. As I type, I'm terrified it's going to completely crash.....

We've put $360 into 'repairs' in the past couple months - for nothing. I'm starting to think computer geeks really don't know anything - they just try what they think will work and hope for the best.

Wish I had that $360 to put towards my new computer but oh well. Water under the bridge....

I've got to backup TurboTax files - later, friends. My life is on this PC and therefore, my life is moving to a new residence as soon as humanly possible.

See you on the flip side -

UPDATE: 9:58AM

Switching to Internet Explorer (instead of Firefox). There are a zillion postings re: 'blue screen of death when using Firefox'. Many different reasons possible. Could be memory. Could be overheating. So we'll see if using IE helps at all.

We are still shopping. And will be leaving for Costco shortly.....

I'm frugal. I wasn't born frugal. But I've acquired the desire to save, save, save. So if there's any way I can limp along on this PC, I'd rather.

But we'll see.....'cuz Mama's got to have her PC in tip-top working order at all times - or Mama's not very happy. And you know what they say. If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

:-)

All Things British

Law & Order: UK on BBC America! It's two of my favorite things - Law & Order ([insert anything here] 'cuz I love them all) AND British accents! It doesn't get any better than this! Season after season and I've never watched any of them!! I'm so excited.

It even has the same 'du duh' chime as all the other Law & Orders!

It is a little odd to see the barristers (lawyers) and the judge wearing wigs in the court room. And the judge (who is a female in the current episode I'm watching) is referred to as 'my lady'. And the prosecution refers to themselves as 'the crown'. They all wear robes....and only the male barristers and the judge wear wigs. Wow - living in a monarchy a lot different, huh? But it's Law & Order episodes I've never seen! This is going to be fun!

We bought a new TV for the family room. Didn't really make sense to repair the old one when we could purchase a new flat screen of the same size for not much more than the repair bill. Hopefully, J. and the boys will wrestle the old one down out of the built in nook (which worries me 'cuz we barely were able to get it up in there and that was before J. developed shoulder problems) and put the new one up. I watched Gilmore Girls while cooking yesterday and it's just not the same with a bunch of red streaks going up and down the screen.

Shopping!

Am pleased to say that Thanksgiving was as it should be - a day of over eating and indulgence. The morning started with home made (from scratch, folks!) caramel rolls - one with nuts, one without. They were beautiful coming out of the oven and were even better then imagined. I am loving trying new recipes that involve yeast - and I sure never thought I'd EVER say that. Made a double batch of the dough and used the other 1/2 for dinner rolls - they were good though the dough was a bit 'stiff'. Thankfully, B. assisted with the kneading and rolling out of the 2nd batch 'cuz my arms were sore from the morning's work. The dinner rolls were great - not 'pretty' but tasted good.

Dinner was delicious and everyone pitched in. H. was my 'sous chef' and assisted with chopping, etc. for the stuffing. B. helped as my 'pastry chef's assistant', kneading and rolling. J. helped with EVERYTHING - including a last minute trip to the store - and of course, he's the turkey master. This year's bird was pronounced 'the best ever' and s/he really was. We didn't stuff the bird this year - we used the Bobby Flay method of having broth and veggies down below and the turkey on the roasting pan rack above. S/he was a most tender, juicy bird and absolutely delicious! Was also a Butterball - so that's what we'll buy next year, too.

I'm also pleased to report that I've done my fair share of Black Friday shopping - and even more pleased 'cuz I did it all in the comfort of my warm, cozy house. Coffee mug in hand, I've made a start on presents for all. Still a couple left to ponder - but for the most part, am close to 'done'. Though I'm never 'done'. But this year, I'm sure going to try to be. We've been getting the kids ready for 'remember, the Disneyland trip was partly Christmas' - hope they don't forget 'cuz there really will be slim pickings under the tree. They'll get some cash-moola, which is their favorite thing anyway - and then the annual trek to San Francisco for some post-holiday shopping. We always love that day and it's tradition!

J. and the boys are heading out soon to visit J.'s brother. I will hang here, possibly working on some work stuff and running the dishwasher a zillion (more) times to return the kitchen to it's pre-Thanksgiving state.

J. is also working on an outside project that like all projects starts out small and grows. He's scraping paint off of trim and priming and repainting a piece under the sliding glass door. It's been looking miserable for years - and we want to get the wood repainted and protected before the rains start (again). So it's scraped and awaiting a coat of primer. Then two coats of paint and that should see us through another decade, I hope. The primer was my idea....gives outdoor wood more 'longevity' I think. Though J. required some convincing.

I'd love to work outside tidying up but it's freezing. Maybe later today when it warms up a bit.

Monday looms larger than life....returning to work is a bummer. This week (like every holiday week) is jam packed with 'stuff' but it's still a nice break from the daily grind. The best part is no alarm - so returning to waking early on Monday will be hard. And the work that awaits even harder. Time off goes so quickly. Time working does not. Sad, isn't it?

Deathly Hallows

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 is absolutely brilliant. Stunning. Phenomenal. Loved, loved, LOVED it and can't wait to see it again with the kids. I went alone 'cuz attempting to get them to commit at the same time is impossible. So if/when they decide they'd like to go, I'll happily see it again. It was so awesome that I had J. help me locate the book (it's been here in the study for a long time but of course, when I'm ready to read it, we couldn't find it - but J. located it in the guest room) so I can read it again, this time more slowly and without skipping to the end to see how it turns out.

The movie was 2 1/2 hours that flew by. Never even glanced at my time keeping device once. It was just action packed from the start and wonderfully done. 8 months will be a long time to wait for the final installment.

Today's agenda includes some last minute shopping - heading to the grocery store B. works at to purchase a few items for dinner - then he can turn in his receipt and attempt to win some prizes. Including the privilege of writing your own schedule the week of Christmas. Probably a bad thing for B. 'cuz he will most likely just not work - and he needs the $$.

I'll start some of the cooking today - get the pies done. Made cranberry sauce yesterday. Can brown the sausage for the stuffing today. Get some of the vegetables chopped. Roasting pan down from the rafters of the garage. Bread dough made for home made rolls (and cinnamon rolls or monkey bread for breakfast tomorrow, too).

My laptop is still in the shop. Holy crap! This is day four and I'm really suffering. My neck is killing me - seriously. It's like my entire spine is shifted into a weird configuration that is not compatible with the rest of me. My neck is so sore that turning over in bed was painful. Wow. I need my lap top back pronto! That must be some virus - it's taken the guy over 48 hours to clean it. And he is incredibly rude and once he's done fixing it this time, we'll be finding another shop to use.

Must go read more HP. Then shop and cook.

86

Today would have been my mom's 86th birthday.

I know the number because my aunt just turned 86 - she is my dad's sister. She and my mom were close over the years. When I saw my aunt was 86 this year, I was momentarily stunned....

My mom is forever frozen at 75. And I guess my head/heart has frozen all of her similarly aged friends and family at the same.

But time has kept moving forward....11 years ago this week, we were celebrating my mom's 75th birthday with a massive surprise party. Family from all over the country flew in to surprise her. It was a great day.

And it was her last birthday, though of course, we didn't know that at the time. Thought it might possibly be - but really didn't know for sure. Cancer is an insidious disease....she was seriously unwell....but we still hoped. It was not to be.

Still miss her everyday. Even miss all of her idiosyncrasies and quirks.

And the other day, I looked at my hand - the hand with her engagement ring on it - and saw her hands. My mother's hands...staring back at me.

I miss you, Mom. I really do.

April 29th

Wedding date is set - William and Kate's wedding date. No one in this family getting married for at least a decade. I hope.

It's on a FRIDAY! Guess because it's a national holiday in Great Britain, they had to choose a weekday so everyone will get a three day weekend. But what about those of us watching from afar?

Oh well - since it will likely be on TV in the wee hours of the morning - and I'm usually up by 4 most days anyway, it should be OK. Though I might take that day off my self - just to fully immerse myself in the occasion.

I need an appropriate hat.

Brown Butter

H. and I are making Brown Butter Pumpkin Mac 'n Cheese for dinner. It will be yummy. We're doubling the recipe so it will also be a good exercise in math.

Lunch was fun. We caught up in just over an hour - which means my life is pretty mundane, even with all the drama this past year. Really - gave me pause to think 'so little makes up your existence that you can totally catch someone up in just over an hour'. Such is the mundane life of a working mom. Hoping our next lunch won't be so far from this one - we'll see. J., ball's in your court - so call or email. I know you are reading and I'm glad....

My laptop has a virus...which will be named at some point. I did have a bad experience downloading something awhile back - but Norton caught it and isolated it so I thought all was 'well'. Apparently not. Little gremlins have been wreaking havoc ever since, most likely. Thankfully, it's repairable....which is good and bad. Good 'cuz the laptop I want/need is not inexpensive and I really don't want to spend the $$ right now. Bad 'cuz....well, I'd absolutely love a new laptop.

The tech guy told J. 'her computer is really slow'. That's what they always say. There's a ton of 'stuff' on it - that's why.

Work was fine - and quick. In and out in just over three hours. Got done what I needed to get done and couldn't get out of there fast enough. Didn't want to be there, really - but glad I was. Haven't seen my boss since he was 39 (last Wednesday) and now that he's 40, it was good to check in....age takes it's toll, you know. (I can say that 'cuz I will always be a decade older than he is, no matter how mercilessly he gets teased about turning the big four-zero). We transacted the things we needed to transact - and I headed to run some errands and get to Pleasanton in time lunch.

Stopped at the HUGE Smart & Final in P-town and picked up the rest of the groceries needed for Thanksgiving. Other than pies (which I will get tomorrow to bake Wednesday), we're pretty good to go.

Off to the kitchen. Dog-a-rini is ready for her first course.

Ace of Cakes

It's not bad enough that I am up at the crack of dawn on a day that was supposed to be a day off. It's Monday. It's freezing in here. My laptop is still dead so I'm typing on J.'s keyboard with a crick in my neck. No, all that isn't enough....

Today is the day I found out that Ace of Cakes has been canceled. Say what you will about the show itself - or reality TV in general - it is a great, fun show that makes Thursday nights something to look forward to.

And in January, it will start it's last season - and it's only six episodes.

Darn it all -

Cake Boss is entertaining but not nearly as much as Ace of Cakes.

I already miss fondant.

Pain in the Neck

I'm using J.'s computer - convenient that he's at church and can't defend his turf. As if....he's good at sharing.

I dislike his computer for a variety of reasons - many previously documented here when my computer died the last time at the end of June.

But the thing that is the hardest for me is when I'm on 'his side' of the office, for some reason, I always get a 'crick' in my neck. I'm always feeling like I'm 'looking up' - which compared to my lap top, I guess is true - but I must position my neck in some weird way. It's only been an hour and my neck is killing me.

Showered, dressed, teeth brushed. Laptop ready to go to the repair shop. Heading out shortly. Son #2 is up and confirmed no visit from his Alameda friend. Apparently, she took issue with her mom making plans for her - which was pretty much H's reaction as well. So we were invited to a birthday party for her as well on Tuesday - we'll see if that invite actually materializes. Maybe I just need to plan with the mom for us adults to get together and forget the kids. Who needs them? Her parents are a lot of fun and they're from England - a constant stream of fun. The only thing (absolutely the ONLY THING) we have in common is having kids in rehab at the same time....at the same place. Still, they are interesting people and we can use all the 'adult' interaction we can find. So we'll see.

I'm sort of relieved.....not really 'in the mood' for company today.

OH - H. is taking a culinary class. His counselor decided it would be great - and 'your mom can help'. That's what I get for being too busy to attend his most recent status conference. I'd be absolutely fine with the plan - but wow, the syllabus is awe-inspiring. And getting a reluctant teen BOY to prepare appetizers, main courses, salad, vegetable side dishes AND watch cooking shows and write reviews AND read food articles and critique.....I just don't see that happening.

I'm making lists and he can hopefully get a lot done with me this week. Does teaching him to make hot dogs with cheese wrapped in crescent rolls count? That was one of my college year staples. Will that do?

Blue Screen (Again!)

Perhaps the blue screen of death on my laptop is God's way of saying 'get thyself busy, Woman!'. Darn it. I will be schlepping the PC to the repair shop at 10AM once again and begging and pleading with them to at least salvage documents and Quicken....and we might be adding 'need a new PC' to the list of electronics currently 'necessary' in this house.

It poured rain a good chunk of yesterday but there's sunshine now - and the post-rain freshness that is so great! Love the rain, though at first, all I could think about were the new sounds that weren't there last winter. Some suspicious drips.....drip....drip drip......ddddrrrrriiiipppp.....that weren't there last year. J.'s sure it's just various gutter 'issues'. I suggested getting up there and 'fixing' them. He said 'and how would we do that'? HIRE SOMEONE, MY GOOD MAN! Gutters are the lifeblood of avoiding roofing issues....(wow, being responsible for school facilities has really changed me).

I am technically 'off' this week but will be working part of tomorrow. I was out sick on Thursday - bad cold....shocked my boss that I was 'out ill' 'cuz I haven't been 'out ill' in a very long time. Anyhoo....we are doing a series of site budget meetings that start the day we get back from the Thanksgiving break, so we have some final prep to work on. It's fine 'cuz I'm also meeting my friend J. (Hi J.!) in Pleasanton for a long overdue lunch. It's been FOREVER....

So I'll work 1/2 day and then start the official 'break'.

Made a trip to the new WinCo on Friday - massive amount of shopping. I do love the prices - definitely very low. But I'm not a big fan of unloading (onto the belt) AND bagging your own groceries anymore (oh Raley's, how you've spoiled me) so while I might shop there for big occasions, I don't think we'll be making WinCo our regular store. B.'s Savemart attached a notice to their employees paychecks practically begging them to shop at their store. They are even having employees turn in receipts to win prizes - that's how much their business is down since WinCo opened. People look for bargains - I know we do. I do a good deal of my 'staple' shopping now at WalMart - you can't beat the prices. I never thought I'd say that - now I prefer WalMart over WinCo. Wow, this economy sucks.

Intended to go see Harry Potter this weekend but haven't made it there so far. Hopefully sometime this week. It's probably good to get the opening weekend out of the way and let the crowds simmer down a bit - my Eclipse opening weekend experience left a memorable impression. Though HP and the gang don't have the same screaming teenage girl component, you never know.

J. is at church playing music this morning. Yes, I could join him. No, I don't think I will. Instead, I will work on tidying up around here and then get my work laptop out to prepare some things for tomorrow. Trying to avoid having to go (physically) into the office today - 'cuz I'd just rather not.

We may be having H.'s friend from Alameda over later today - signals are unclear. Had a nice conversation with her mom on Friday evening - and it sure sounded like she was planning to come over. But she didn't yesterday. Honestly, H. would prefer to go there - he says 'you guys don't give me enough freedom'. Uh, what? Freedom? Hmmm....maybe I have some questions for the mom next time we chat. Two kids who met in rehab should not be given a TON of freedom.....I know.....they want to 'make out'. I'm good with that - but in this house, remember: we can and will enter without notice. So think carefully....and while H. has never relapsed, she has - twice, that we know of....which happens. But I'm cautious and protective of H. who can still cover his tracks too well and too easily.

OK - off to the kitchen. Second cup of coffee and tidying shall commence. It's cold and I need to go put on warmer clothes.

Happy Sunday - may your gutters stay clear and sunshine prevail!

William & Kate

It was a great day yesterday - for Kate and Prince William to finally make it official. I have a slight obsession with The Royal Family and can't wait for their wedding.

I watched William's parents wedding on a teeny TV at 3 in the morning in 1980. I had only lived alone - in my very first apartment which was abysmal, as most first apartments are - for a month or so. It was a beautiful thing to be a 'part' of - and to know the whole world was watching. And I'll get to do that again someday soon - watching from a much nicer venue these days.

I loved Princess Diana and still remember the night we learned she had died. We had come in from dinner out and the TV news was all abuzz. I remember vividly one major newscast anchor stating there were indications Diana was OK - that she was awake and talking. Only minutes later, we learned she died - and I cried right there on the couch. So shocked. So incredibly sad. I knew it was irrational to feel a loss so deeply for a monarch in another country - but, well, if you loved Princess Diana, you understand. She really was 'the people's princess' and she really had a heart for serving her country. And she was a great mother who deeply loved her children and that came through in every interview. I cried for days....as did most of Britain.

For William to give Kate his mother's sapphire engagement ring was the icing on the cake - and even more so if you watch the video of their 'press conference'. He says the ring is very special to him, and Kate is very special to him - and it seems right to bring the two together. And he also says 'and it lets my mother be a part of this very special day'. How sweet is that? Whatever I used to think about Prince Charles, I have to say he's obviously done a great job raising his sons. They are kind and good hearted - at least we certainly see that in William - and that says a lot.

It also says a lot about their late mother - she intended for her boys to have as 'normal' a childhood as possible and I think she's done that. For a future King, William seems as sweet and normal as they come.

Kate is a lucky lady -

This is going to be so much fun!! I know, I know - it's silly. But royal weddings are a once or twice in a lifetime thing. He will be the king of England someday - and while I personally don't think monarchy is a 'great' form of government, it's certainly provided pomp and pageantry to behold - and sometimes, that's nice.

World of Color

We FINALLY made it to WOC last night. I know ya'll thought we'd gone on Friday night - since Drill Sargent J. got the fast passes that morning. But we actually came back to our room late Friday and fell asleep and slept through the Fast Pass time - so we skipped it. Did the entire 'must get fast passes' drill again yesterday - which was OK 'cuz then we also rode Soaring Over California again, too - and we love that ride.

WOC was great. Really enjoyed it. What I did not enjoy about it was standing from 7:30PM until the show started at 9 - and then standing through the 28 minute show. There has to be a better way. No seats of any kind. You just stand there and wait. Our feet were killing us! And knees, hips, etc. It was a great show - but personally, I don't think I'd do the fast pass again. I'd rather go find a bench on the pier somewhere and just watch what you can watch and skip to entire 'body torture' session. But that's just me. I know you're thinking 'well, just sit down on the ground'. And I really wanted to - but there's a risk that once I'm down (and that's IF I'm able to sit on the ground without my knees doing something funky on the way to the ground), I won't be able to get up....so I just stayed vertical.

I have new respect for my mom - who in her role as grandmother accompanied us on many trips. She never complained. Never wavered in her willingness to schlep and be schlepped. She'd watch little ones all day. Walk a million miles to wherever we were dragging her. Never once uttered a word of angst. She was a trooper extraordinaire. I'm not sure I'll be that great of a grandma - I already told J. 'when we're here with our grand kids, you and the boys and the wives and the kids can do WOC. I'll be happily waiting elsewhere, hopefully tending a new born or wee baby who won't care about WOC either'.

In WOC's defense, it is quite an amazing production and it makes you wonder 'how do they do that?' Water, light and occasional bursts of fire - and you're watching projections onto fine water mist. It is amazing!

We had a wonderful dinner at the restaurant at Grand Californian before heading to see WOC. It was a good meal and we all enjoyed it. The boys headed out to do Tower of Terror, California Screaming, etc. as many times as they could before heading back to the hotel room at midnight. H. wasn't ready to sleep - but the rest of us were and we were all zonked out shortly after. It's a Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family so we've been enjoying watching those movies - in preparation for next week's big movie event! We can't wait!!

It's been a magical trip - this place just plain makes me happy. Even with blisters on my feet, sore joints - I still love it and can't wait to come back. No idea when that will be - this will likely be the last trip with the four of us for some time. In fact, B. told me at lunch yesterday that he's actually not sure he will be able to go to Cancun with us this summer - he's not sure his enlistment can be delayed that long. Glad to know this before I purchase non-refundable tickets. Now I don't know what to do with H. - in Cancun with his aging parents for a week. Not sure that's quite the high school graduation celebration he was hoping for. We'll see. I'll buy tix for the three of us and we'll see what happens with B. You never know. He signs his enlistment contract this week and J. is planning to go with him - which I'm glad about.

So we say farewell to Disneyland....and also farewell to being a family of four. One of us is moving on - and it's as it should be. Still, my heart feels a little sad today at the prospect of no B. And then, it feels a little excited at the thought of coming back here with grand kids someday. Or just me and J. We would be totally happy doing the 'old' rides and people watching. Oh, and the shopping. Don't forget the shopping. I had a lot of fun and used my $180 Disney Reward dollars well - added a purple Tinkerbell hoody to my Disney apparel collection.

Troops are getting moving so I'd better, too. We have a lot to pack up before hitting the road. Both boys have plans this evening so they want to be home by 4ish if at all possible. Should be do-able....

Pooh Corner

I made my way through the park - massively filled with zillions of people. Holiday weekends are so not the time to visit here but like others, we have to visit when we can wedge it in, I guess.

Used to be the Pooh Corner store was filled with all things Pooh. So many unique, special things and I've loved trekking there to find a treasure. Watches, pins, etc. Now, it's full of some things Pooh and other things Disney and some times you hit the jackpot and sometimes you don't. Today, I found a fuzzy dark brown jacket with Pooh and Piglet (very small) in the corner (over my heart). It's just what I wanted and was hoping to find - my Pooh sweatshirt is getting older and while I still wear it all the time, it's seen better days. Now there's something new to stay warm in. Also got a Pooh key chain with my actual name on it - which is rare 'cuz if you know me, my name is not that popular.

My pedometer logged a couple miles this morning. J. doesn't believe it - but I do.

I headed back to the hotel to drop off my packages. Decided to sneak in a teeny, tiny nap - and shortly after beginning to drift off, heard the boys coming in. They are both now snoring away - feet sore, tired bodies. Made me feel a teeny bit less 'old' to have them come back to the room and crash also. They waited in line for Star Tours for over an hour - only to have the ride be closed for 'technical difficulties'. Bummer.

We have reservations for a country all-you-can eat BBQ in Disneyland and then our 9PM World of Color show. We were in the first group to get fast passes - so while J.'s 'dead-set on a plan and executing said plan' is irritating at times, it does have it's perks. We had a wonderful breakfast at the Grand Californian restaurant at 10:30 - so we're holding out for dinner at 4:30. H. was so hungry, he ate a packet of nuts and dried fruit - and he detests nuts of any kind. I reminded him there is fresh bread and PB&J for a quick snack - he said 'too much work' and went to sleep. Hmmm. He's lazy about some things, I think. More on that theory later.

I'd better try to get them awake and vertical so we can trek to the Monorail in Downtown Disney and make our way back to the park. J. will be waiting -

We're having a great time -

Toy Story

We're here at The Happiest Place on Earth! Well....really....we're at the place across the street from The Happiest Place on Earth....California Adventure! We're staying at the Paradise Pier Hotel. Not bad. Not The Grand Californian which is our absolute favorite place to stay - but this is a good second option that saved some $$.

We hit the rode around 8:30AM yesterday and were at the park by 4. Not bad. The drive was OK though more traffic-y than I'd hoped. Guess we weren't the only people wedging in a 4 day weekend. Still, we only stopped once and made good time and thankfully, hit I-5 in LA mid-day so the traffic was bearable. Still stop and go but oh well. That's LA.

The boys headed straight for California Screaming and picked up Fast Passes. We all rode the giant ferris wheel - which terrifies me until we're moving consistently. And then you're only moving one or two times around and it's time to be terrified again while everyone gets unloaded. Of course, we were at the very top when the unloading started...I don't know why I get so scared hanging up in the air. We absolutely did not get into a swinging car - those put me over the edge. Even the 'stable' car swung more than I'd like and J. said 'honey, it has to swing a bit or we'd be upside down at the top'. Oh, yeah....Mr. Practical.....

It's just after 8AM and the room is full of the sounds and smells from a mass of people sleeping in one room. The boys are still snoring away. J. is showered. I'm getting showered next. We're having a sit-down breakfast this morning, heading straight to get our Fast Passes for the World of Color show tonight and then rides, etc. all day. I'm hoping to get to Disneyland today - and the Pooh store specifically.

We head home on Sunday and it's back to work Monday. Usually allow a 'recuperation' day in my schedule but Monday filled up with meetings that need to happen so I'll be heading in - undoubtedly suffering from a post-Mickey fog.

I do love this place. OH - and it's looking like I might be returning for a work related conference in the spring - and if that happens, I'm going to spend a couple days here ALONE....which will be lovely. It's the hardest part of any vacation - trying to get four people to agree what to do, when. The staging and scheduling is a nightmare. The boys are old enough to do their own thing and honestly, I'm sure if you ask them, they'd prefer to just be left alone. But armed with cards that allowing 'charging privileges' at any store, restaurant, kiosk, etc. - I'm a little less inclined to allow them to 'roam free'.

The water slide is right outside our window and it's fun to hear smaller kids having so much fun. This place is magical for all - but watching little kids light up at the sight of Buzz Lightyear brings back so many great memories of when our boys were those little people. Magic. That's the only word that describes it.

We're off. J. is on a mission to get those World of Color fast passes FIRST THING. We have access to them 1/2 hour before the general public and he is ON A MISSION.

Bye for now -

Daylight

It feels like a day that was an hour longer than usual....and it's Sunday. Rainy, dreary and getting cold. Signs of official autumn - trees with red, yellow and orange leaves all around (yes, even in California). Drizzly rain off and on all day.

It was a busy week - the bond measure passed with flying colors and just like that, my already swamped work load became a lot deeper than a swamp. Ocean-like, even. We're all very excited and very thankful to our voters - the initial results right after 8PM had us with a comfortable winning margin and it stayed that way all night. It was a long night but fun - spent with a lot of hard working parents who deserved to celebrate. Now the work begins in earnest - planning for modernizing one school and significant building projects at the three others adds a lot to my day. But we'll manage. I know I will. Though the dark circles under my eyes may not ever abate again. Good problem to have, I think - we are blessed with home owners who know that we would never ask them to fund these projects unless there was no other way for us to do them - and unless we would continue our history of being good stewards of the money.

This week is only a three day work week - we're off to Disneyland on Thursday for four days. Originally scheduled off next Monday as well as a 'recuperation' day - but now the day is full of meetings so it's looking like I'll be working. We're excited about the trip - and hoping for improved weather.

It's 7:43 and I'm falling asleep sitting up. Bed time....no matter what the clock says. Night!

Of Night and Day

I came downstairs admittedly early this morning - even for me. 3:30AM. Yikes.... I have a full morning of meetings and still have to prep for those meetings. And I have massive things to accomplish this week and a full day meeting on Friday that shortens my week a bit. So there's much to do.

B. was on the couch in the family room watching TV - on the broken TV that needs $400 or so in repairs. It works but has the entire left side of the picture distorted with red vertical lines running through it. Some really expensive part required. It's only 6 years old. We're still debating. Probably buying a new TV. Or moving the one year old TV from upstairs down here and the kids can use their uncle's old TV for their video games. That's my preferred option because it doesn't involve any cash outflow. We'll see. So - back to the point of my story - B. was watching TV. He said 'what are you doing?'. I replied 'getting up - it's morning'. He finally got up and went to bed. I reminded him that when he's in the army this whole day is night and night is day thing won't work all that well - he'll be forced to sleep during the night like the rest of us. Which will be an adjustment for him since 3-4AM is his 'normal' bed time, especially on nights when he has no classes or work in the morning the next day. That won't always be the case.

It's election day and we're having a celebration tonight (hopefully). At the very least, we'll celebrate our considerable hard work in getting the measure on the ballot and campaigning for it the past few months. We're hopeful - but you never know. My boss confirmed I was planning to attend and I said I was - but I wasn't going to show up at 6....I'll wait and show up when the results start coming in around 8. So at this point, I'm seriously hoping to come home around 4ish and try to sleep an hour or so. I'll need it if I'm attempting to stay awake until 10 or 11 while the results come in.

The San Francisco Giants are the 2010 World Series Champions!! What an exciting, fun series. I really enjoyed it and admittedly, am not that big of a fan. But a Bay Area team being in the series ups the excitement factor considerably and it was fun getting insanely excited and happy when they won last night. It was really great....and from the postings on Facebook of friends in the city, apparently a tad noisy most of the night. Can't blame them - I was whooping it up pretty loudly - J. was impressed. I think next season, we'll try to attend a couple games. I still love the Oakland A's, but obviously, I'm a fair weather fan and rooting for any Bay Area team is always more fun than not rooting at all.

It's pitch black and cold outside. The dog is making 'yapping' noises in her sleep. Glad it's just a dream 'cuz I don't want to deal with her just yet. Too early for her 'routine'. Hoping I can get out of the house before getting her up is a 'must do'.

J. has one final day off today - cleaning out his closet is on his list. Wishing we had been able to be off together. Next weekend, we have a four day weekend and we're traipsing to Disneyland! I'm looking forward to it - except the part about sleeping in a hotel room with 3 guys. I will nap for sure just to keep my sleep deficit to a minimum.

Vote!

Happy Halloween!

It's the annual evening of fright! J. set up all our decorations and got the front lights to stay on so kids will know we are 'open for business'. Bought 7 big bags of candy. Minus one big bag due to pre-Halloween pilfering by two teen boys. Can't have any candy in the house or it's gone. Hoping for lots of trick-or-treaters so we'll use up all the candy.

I spent the day cooking - home made chicken rice soup. Delicious, if I do say so myself. Plenty of leftovers....we'll be eating soup for a week. Good thing I also made a big batch of dinner rolls - and had enough dough leftover to make a cookie sheet foccacia bread topped with rosemary, basil, thyme, garlic salt and grated Parmesan cheese. Delicious! We're on the second running of the dishwasher today and still have another load to put in.

The past couple weeks have been full of work. Work and more work. J. is so busy that he failed to notice that he had time blocked off as vacation week before last. He worked the entire week and didn't remember that he was planning to be off. So he's taking off a 6 day weekend and is off tomorrow and Tuesday - and had Thursday and Friday off, too. Or maybe just Friday. Can't remember, actually. But he's been home which is really nice.

I've been so busy that I was at my desk at 5AM a couple days last week. Got so much done in the wee quiet hours of the morning....I really love that schedule - except for the going to bed around 8ish and waking around 3ish. That part sucks. But working in silence with zero interruptions is really great. I think I'd almost wish to be a hermit sometimes.

Election day is soon and our district has a ballot measure we're anxiously waiting to see how it goes. We really need it - we need to modernize our 80 year old middle school and make other modernizations and improvements to all our schools. We'll hopefully know by Wednesday morning. If it passes, it's a lot more work. If it doesn't, it will be more work in two years when we try again. It's been a very busy, intense couple months and we have the most amazing parent volunteers ever. These people put their hearts and souls into the campaign and worked their butts off - and I hope it passes.

Chloe will be hoarse by the end of tonight - barking her fool head off. Not that we're ever getting another dog - but if we ever did, I'd be sure to ring the darn doorbell constantly when s/he is a little puppy so it would become 'no big deal' to have a bell ring. Seriously - she is crazed when there's someone at the door.

Today is my sister's 49th birthday. I sent her a Facebook email last night. Got a reply today. The first communication we've had in close to four years. It wasn't much - but it was something.

I came across our email exchange from four years ago about a month ago - all the old hurt feelings resurfaced in about a nano-second. I should delete them. But I won't. They remind me why I gave up trying. And why I will keep my distance.

Still, I didn't see her in South Carolina earlier this month - and I would have liked to. At least then, the initial 'first time we've communicated in years' would have been over - for awhile.

It's over for awhile again now. I tried. I didn't expect much - and that's what I got back. Not much. And it's OK. Apparently, it's easier to let go the second time around. I'm not phased. It's back to status quo.

And at least I know I did try. I was the bigger person - I made an effort and communicated first. I don't really know why I felt I should - but I did - and I did it quickly before I could change my mind. And I'm not sorry I did. Maybe being farming neighbors will be next. Who knows. I don't. I expect nothing. And I won't be disappointed. I think we both realize there is no relationship to salvage anymore. Nothing to try to improve. I know her - and she knows me. And compromising isn't in one of our vocabularies. Nor is admitting when we've made mistakes and are sorry. We're both human and stubborn.

I don't want to be right. Or need to be. But I need serenity. I have that. I've had it for three years, 10 months and a couple days. Serenity is nice. I choose it over anything else.

Still, you can never have to many Farmville neighbors....

Suspicion!

Think of Fiddler on the Roof. The song 'Tradition'. Remember the emphasis. Tra-DI-TION! Bum-bum-ba-da-da-ra-bum -TRADITION!

That song is running through my head....only substitute the word 'suspicion' instead.....

I was at work by 5AM this morning - so early that even McDonald's wasn't open yet - so no iced tea or yogurt parfait, which is my new, quick, $1 breakfast! It's yummy! And not too bad point wise.

I managed to finish up the project I had to do in time for a 9AM meeting. Plowed through the morning/early afternoon of various meetings. And at 2:30PM, headed home.

H. was not home. Didn't answer his cell phone on the first call. Did answer it on the 2nd. Said he was 'doing PE'. Remember, he's going to a cyber school now - his PE consists of 45 minutes of physical activity. He said he was skateboarding on his long board to the park. He was gone over an hour. At one point, I called again to check on him - and he was talking to 'a friend' around the corner - a friend I've never heard him mention. Hmmm.....

He arrives home and stays home for a bit. Watches TV. Heads upstairs.

A short time later, I think I hear someone come in the front door. The dog definitely heard someone come in the front door. I call out 'B.?'. No answer. 'Is someone there'? No answer. It is clear someone IS there 'cuz I hear footsteps clomping up the stairs. I ask 'who's there'? and H. answers 'it's O.' (his friend). 30 seconds go by. Next thing I know, O. is leaving. Just that fast.

I ask H. to come downstairs. He said 'O. had to leave to go out front and talk to his girlfriend'. I check. They are not out there. He doesn't know where they went. He said 'I told O. you were going to get all suspicious on me'. I said 'you're right - 'cuz I am'. He goes into what I call 'full deflection mode' - indignant that I'm asking. Indignant that I don't 'trust' him. Pissed off that I'm 'always assuming the worst and making a big deal of everything'. Hmmm....wow. It was a very de-ja-vu feeling. I've been here before. I know his master manipulative ways. I know how he can spin a story faster than most of us can snap our fingers.

So when a 'call' from O. occurred minutes later, with H. saying 'no, I'm not sure I can - I've got stuff I have to do now'....I was even MORE suspicious. Like that was either a totally fake call - or he texted O. and asked him to call. To make it sound/look better.

I know he's up to something. If I had listened to my gut 6-9 months ago, we might be in a totally different place....but I didn't then. I am now. I told H. that I'm on to him and I know he's up to something - and when the bottom falls out this time, it will be life changing consequences for all of us.

Time to whip out a drug test - just for laughs.

In the mean time, every bone in my body is fighting the flee response. I don't want to live in this house with a kid that lies and manipulates like the rest of us breath and floss our teeth. I just don't have it in me anymore. My own quiet little apartment sounds like such a nice thing, doesn't it? Though admittedly, it would be hugely selfish - and not fair to J. And better that I'm here 'cuz frankly, J. has zero radar when it comes to that kid. Zip. Nada.

I just let him go to O's house - about a 4 minute skate board trip. He took his car keys. I said 'no, if' you're going to O's house, you can walk or ride your skateboard. You don't need to spend money on gas to drive over there for an hour. Take your board or walk'.

He walked out, slamming everything possible between here and the door. Keys tossed on the counter with a clang. Dog gate - crash. Front door slam. Skate board dropped onto the ground from it's leaning position with enough force to be heard here in the study which is several rooms and quite a few feet away.

Oh, yes.....Mr. Indignant has returned. I remember him. He uses his holier-than-though force field to convince you you're wrong. But I've dealt with him before - I know how he operates. I will not be moved.

If he's up to something, we're going to find out soon. I guarantee it. He doesn't like my vigilance but he's starting to know that I mean business. My mom-radar is always in alert mode - and will be for a very long time.

Postscript:

I am publishing this post finally on Sunday evening, 10/31. I felt horrible the next day - I was zero to bat-shit crazy with H. in about 35 seconds.

On Tuesday, I had a conversation with my boss about some 'stuff' going on at work. He reassured me that I am always polite and considerate - but also reassured me that sometimes, taking the very direct approach with people is the best option. I need to address some things happening and it's not 'fun' or 'pretty' to be direct with people. And I wanted to be sure he was OK with me being (even more) firm than usual. He said he can't imagine me ever losing my temper, because I don't. Or yelling, because I don't. Or being pissy, because I'm not. Ever. At work.....

I got a teeny bit teary eyed in my meeting with my boss. Doubt he noticed. And if he did, I'm sure he assumed it was because of the issues I am dealing with at work and the approach I have planned out - which won't be easy. It has been a long couple months and we've many more to go - but it is what it is and I feel a strong, quiet calm about much of it. But it wasn't that. I was emotional because the entire time we were taking, I sat there thinking 'how is it that I can maintain my cool so well at work - always professional; always taking the high road; being direct but never rude or mad - but I can't do that at home for my own kid(s)?' I beat myself up about that for a few days. Really, really down on myself about how I go zero to crazy with H. at virtually every opportunity - and he's my own flesh and blood. When did he become less to me - when did being civil and courteous to him become something I don't do?

I went to dinner with some friends on Friday night - all mom's and all mom's with kids who have 'histories' like H.'s. Their kids are grown now - and they both told me that they still find themselves being suspicious. It's just the nature of living with someone who has a substance abuse issue. And they also reassured me that me being a mom is normal. They also confessed many episodes of zero to crazy in their mom careers and assured me it's 'normal'. It's being a mom. A mom who will do anything to keep her son from stepping back on the path he was on this time last year. ANYTHING - including screaming bloody murder at him.....

I apologized to H. and meant it. I told him that I hope he sees my suspicions and anger for what they truly are: that I love him enough to do anything and say anything to get him to understand how desperately I do not want him to go back to where he was. It would absolutely break my heart....and shatter our relationship forever to have it all repeated.

And yet, even with all that said and truly heart-felt, I'm still suspicious. And probably always will be.....I joked with my cousin on FB last night that I'll probably be suspicious of H. on his wedding day. When everyone else will be wondering if he's got cold feet and that's why he's not at the altar yet, I'll be thinking he's doing something else entirely.....

Will it ever end? Maybe when he becomes a parent.....'cuz then I know he'll know just how much a parent loves you and just how far they'll go to protect you -