- There is no better sound than your kids yucking it up in the back seat. They laugh like they did when they were little - maybe not as often but enough to make your heart full.
- B. doesn't have the patience required for playing slots. He tried. He and H. did sit with me and play a bit twice during the weekend. But B. is much more interested in playing Black Jack.
- H. had a huge run of beginner's luck. The kid was seriously lucky. He won a couple hundred dollars the first night, won a bit more the next day and at one point, put his money in a machine (sitting next to me) and won again - and said 'this is all for you, Mama'. And handed me the winnings. Which I was grateful for 'cuz I hadn't had that much luck at that point.
- We did the buffet on Friday night - seafood. I ate oysters - and within five minutes of eating them, a hugely bad headache started. This was followed by being awake and (literally) sweating profusely from midnight until 2:30AMish - until I made my way to the bathroom and threw up. Which was awful (as throwing up always is) but had the amazing effect of (finally) allowing me to sleep. I felt 'so-so' the next morning - but still managed to get up and out with the family. I think it was the oysters - nothing else made any sense. And the effect of eating them was so fast -
- On Saturday morning, we trekked to Carson City with a stop at Peg's for a wonderful breakfast. I ate some biscuits and gravy (very slowly and just a smidge) and did OK.
- We drove to our home site and marveled at the progress all around. There are people moving in to some of the homes in the area that were started right when we started our journey to buying the lot. The boys thought the place was pretty awesome, thought the houses were really awesome and can't wait to see ours this time next year (if not sooner).
- We then took the kids down Carson City Blvd. to see the town and made a stop at the local casino, Bodine's. I'd been saving visiting for when we moved there - but with the kids with us, I wanted to make it a family memory. It's small and slots only - no tables. (Picture B. with a grumpy face). But then picture Hunter playing a Buffalo Gold machine (he's never played many slots at all much less this game which is hugely popular) - turning a $1.20 bet into $400! I've played the game quite a bit and I'm telling you - he had the run of a lifetime. Bonus after bonus - it was a joy to watch him win.
- We played a bit more and it was a fun time - then we returned to Atlantis and played some more. I met a couple who moved to Carson City from South San Francisco and mentioned we had gone to Bodine's that morning - they said 'watch for us when you live there 'cuz we go there a lot'. Gerry and Jerry - very nice people. They bought a Lennar home in Carson City and told me horror stories about the builder - said they regret the purchase, it's been six months of heck trying to get the things that need fixing actually fixed. Felt bad for them.
- Side note: the builder building all the new homes in our town (and in the school district I work for) is Lennar. Sure hope it goes better here than the experience those folks had in Nevada.
- B. had an acquaintance who lives just outside Carson City so he and H. met the guy in Reno for dinner on Saturday. Dinner turned in to also going to Grand Sierra Resort where they hit a bucket of balls on the driving range there and then did a round of Laser Tag. They got back super late - I was already in bed asleep and they just went to bed -
- We planned to hit the road around 9AM on Sunday morning - trying to beat traffic. We all ended up sleeping in quite a bit - and then I headed down for a Hail Mary try. I had two machines in mind and started with one I keep an eye on - with a Grand jackpot of $12.9K. I wish I could say I won that - I didn't - I played a bit and hit some bonuses and decided to keep playing - and ended up walking away with $600! I wished I could stay and keep playing 'cuz it had dropped the Major jackpot ($2K) a couple times - sadly not with the other things needed to trigger that as a win. It was hot! And I made good use of that - helped offset some of the losses of the weekend.
- The boys came and sat with me at the two machines to my left (different game) and watched me win. B. was not having it (re: slots) but it was still fun - I got a selfie of the three of us on a row of slots but I look hideous so I'm not posting the pic. LOL.
- The drive home was relatively quick and not too traffic-y which was awesome. We stopped at JimBoys tacos in Auburn and the kids ate another $50 of food. (Every meal we had was at least $50. The buffet on Friday night was comped (and was way more than $50) but we ran out of comps after that meal. It wasn't an inexpensive weekend but it was a family vacation - worth every penny).
- It was pretty darn cold - and the thing that surprised me was how dry that makes your skin. My lips were chapped and sore within 24 hours and my face and hands were rough and sore, too. Moisturizer will be my friend when we move there. I wore my $3 beanie (was $30 but in the clearance bin when we took H. to shop for clothes 4 months ago) and was super glad I had it. Keeping your head covered really helps retain warmth.
- It was a lovely weekend and we are so glad BOTH boys could join us! Can't wait to do it again only next time, we will likely be living there!
Monday, December 31, 2018
Family Road Trip
Back yesterday afternoon from our Reno/Carson City family trip - we had a really fun time. I think I'm going to use bullet points to tell the tale.
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
Big Year Ahead
Christmas greetings to all - we had a lovely day. I'd warned the boys that this was a 'smaller' Christmas than their childhood ones were - and B. (bless is heart) said 'Mom, I really just look forward to time together and relaxing'. So proud that he has the true meaning of Christmas in his heart and that even though our Christmas' might have been lavish, it's the time together he remembers and wants more than 'stuff'. You feel like you've done a decent job of parenting when your child tells you that.
And it was still a very lovely Christmas with some fun surprises thrown in. I don't think the boys felt slighted and they were excited about what they received. H. asked for gift cards for clothes so that's what he got and he seemed very happy. B. got some Llamanoes - dominoes but with pics of llamas instead of numbers. He loves llamas - it's our thing. We have Lucky Llama hats from a coffee shop in Carpinteria and now we both have Llamanoes. We played - it was fun!
H.'s boss' boss phoned him on Christmas and asked if he could work today through Friday. Originally, the request was 4 hours a day - but H. didn't want to work on Friday since we plan to head to Reno by 10AM that morning - so he worked 6 hours today and will do 6 tomorrow. He carpooled with a friend and was at work by 3:30AM this morning - yikes, that's early. He's working the laser and cutting the lenses and loves it!! Very specialized skill and he's doing well, by his accounts of his days.
He was supposed to be heading to San Mateo today to take care of Phase 1 of his legal mess but the lure of double time and also wanting to be as available as possible for the company overrode that plan. His boss' boss knows about the legal issues and told H. 'if you can work this week, it will not be any issue for you to take off a couple days in January to take care of the stuff you need to take care of'. So he's working.
He got home around 11AM and promptly went to sleep. As did B. . So it's been a very quiet morning.
I took some time to read back in the blog and realize that we have done a tremendous amount of cleaning stuff out and culling. Much more of the same in the next week or so. J. took an enormous amount of stuff to a donation facility today and we plan to do more of the same tomorrow and/or Monday.
When we get back from Reno, we'll start putting Christmas stuff away and that will result in a lot more culling - some things aren't going to make it to Carson City, like the Santa's Ski Slope. The skiers don't work well anymore and they can't get down the hill and back up without human intervention. So out it goes. I'll look for something new for next Christmas once we're settled in the new house. And our tree is definitely going to be trashed - and I'll look forward to getting a new one!
We have a realtor coming to the house in January - we have a list of questions about projects that are worth doing, timing of the sale, how to deal with the pets, etc. - we hope to list the house in May and be out by end of July or early August - but since we still have no idea when our house will be ready, it's going to be a bit tricky. We'll just have to see how things play out.
I've got some boxes packed up and ready to start stacking in the garage - and sometime in the Spring, we will trek to Carson City and rent a storage unit. J. doesn't think we need to but I think the house will show better with far less of our 'stuff' in it - and everything we move ourselves is weight and mass we don't have to pay the movers to handle. I have no idea what to expect in terms of moving expenses but I know the move from Hayward to Tracy was expensive - and Reno is more than 10 times the distance and more than double - maybe even triple - the stuff we have now vs. what we had then. The mind reels -
There is only the sound of my keyboard tapping and the gentle snoring of two cats and a dog sleeping nearby. All is calm, all is bright.
And it was still a very lovely Christmas with some fun surprises thrown in. I don't think the boys felt slighted and they were excited about what they received. H. asked for gift cards for clothes so that's what he got and he seemed very happy. B. got some Llamanoes - dominoes but with pics of llamas instead of numbers. He loves llamas - it's our thing. We have Lucky Llama hats from a coffee shop in Carpinteria and now we both have Llamanoes. We played - it was fun!
H.'s boss' boss phoned him on Christmas and asked if he could work today through Friday. Originally, the request was 4 hours a day - but H. didn't want to work on Friday since we plan to head to Reno by 10AM that morning - so he worked 6 hours today and will do 6 tomorrow. He carpooled with a friend and was at work by 3:30AM this morning - yikes, that's early. He's working the laser and cutting the lenses and loves it!! Very specialized skill and he's doing well, by his accounts of his days.
He was supposed to be heading to San Mateo today to take care of Phase 1 of his legal mess but the lure of double time and also wanting to be as available as possible for the company overrode that plan. His boss' boss knows about the legal issues and told H. 'if you can work this week, it will not be any issue for you to take off a couple days in January to take care of the stuff you need to take care of'. So he's working.
He got home around 11AM and promptly went to sleep. As did B. . So it's been a very quiet morning.
I took some time to read back in the blog and realize that we have done a tremendous amount of cleaning stuff out and culling. Much more of the same in the next week or so. J. took an enormous amount of stuff to a donation facility today and we plan to do more of the same tomorrow and/or Monday.
When we get back from Reno, we'll start putting Christmas stuff away and that will result in a lot more culling - some things aren't going to make it to Carson City, like the Santa's Ski Slope. The skiers don't work well anymore and they can't get down the hill and back up without human intervention. So out it goes. I'll look for something new for next Christmas once we're settled in the new house. And our tree is definitely going to be trashed - and I'll look forward to getting a new one!
We have a realtor coming to the house in January - we have a list of questions about projects that are worth doing, timing of the sale, how to deal with the pets, etc. - we hope to list the house in May and be out by end of July or early August - but since we still have no idea when our house will be ready, it's going to be a bit tricky. We'll just have to see how things play out.
I've got some boxes packed up and ready to start stacking in the garage - and sometime in the Spring, we will trek to Carson City and rent a storage unit. J. doesn't think we need to but I think the house will show better with far less of our 'stuff' in it - and everything we move ourselves is weight and mass we don't have to pay the movers to handle. I have no idea what to expect in terms of moving expenses but I know the move from Hayward to Tracy was expensive - and Reno is more than 10 times the distance and more than double - maybe even triple - the stuff we have now vs. what we had then. The mind reels -
There is only the sound of my keyboard tapping and the gentle snoring of two cats and a dog sleeping nearby. All is calm, all is bright.
Saturday, December 15, 2018
What a Week
I spent two Fridays ago at the doctor - I've been on antibiotics for a week but not much is changing. I'm so gunky in my throat and chest....it's just a bad, bad crud. This morning was the first morning I woke up not feeling that I wanted to cry upon sitting up. Long nights of restless sleep and long days of work. I called in sick on Monday (which I rarely do) and hoped that extra day of rest would help. It did a little bit but a Tuesday board meeting day (13 hours) pretty much cancelled out any rest benefit from the day away.
The Board approved using a search firm to find the new CBO - and when the discussion started, one board member said "I want Majah to work here". I said 'thank you, that is very sweet - and I am working here ....for another six months or so'. It is harder than I thought it would be to have those six long, slow moving (while simultaneously flying by) months.
We have the first set of docs for the house and we're reviewing them and signing (via online) - and we had a good talk with the realtor that works with the builder and developer of these homes. She reassured us that there's no way we'll need to come up with the 50% deposit before the end of this calendar year - an important tax consideration for us. We will manage the withdrawal for the down payment no problem - but being hit with the tax bill on that in April? No. That would be very scary this late in the year - having not adjusted withholding to account for that. And actually, we are cruising for the first two weeks of April, so our taxes have to be paid in March.
H. is lying low, we think. We were (once again) supposed to lunch with him and his sponsor - but that fell through - fifth week in a row, I think. I've given up caring about it honestly - but there's a part of me that is concerned that this new situation isn't good for H. - not enough accountability and holding his feet to the fire of constantly working the program. He hadn't gone to the rehab place to confirm he lied and confirm he did relapse - doesn't seem to think it's important to do that - which only makes me wonder if the story to cover the lies is another story? I hope he's not in a house where there's a selection of chemical options - I doubt it? Because everyone in the house is in recovery. But, H.'s sponsor's son has never been through any kind of rehab program - just his dad keeping him accountable. I know from experience that parents are completely ineffective in ensuring kids aren't using. You're not with them 24/7 and they are sneaky and manipulative -
I'm on guard and it's hard.
B. and B. (lovely young lady from prior post) are essentially kaput. I'm proud of B. (son) for realizing that the parameters of the relationship as envisioned by her were not what he was OK with. And he stood up for his feelings and said he couldn't see her anymore, given her decision about continuing to see someone else. I'll never understand how it went from that wonderful week of the ball - her amazing text and Facetime conversation about how amazing B. is (and he is, for sure) to her deciding she needed some space and then him realizing that her idea of space is dating at least one other guy. While also dating B. . Recipe for disaster. I felt super sad about it all - because I truly, really truly thought 'he's found the most amazing girl'. She seemed so proud of him being a soldier and so smitten. But no. It looks like it won't work out.
I talk to God about it every night and I have a really solid, wonderful feeling of peace - God knows what is in store for B. - and who knows. Time apart may make both of them regroup. Or not. And either way, son B. is OK and that's the most important thing. He will be home a week from today for two weeks - can't wait!!
J. and I made reservations for two nights in Reno with the boys - we both got a free room so our expenses will just be gas, road trip food and drinks and meals while we're there. Oh...and gaming, of course. We plan to take the boys to Carson City to see the spot where our house will be - it will be a fun trip and we're all looking forward to it. Especially the seafood buffet. Brooks' favorite.
I trekked to Hayward this morning and my therapist didn't show up. I should have called but I worried that she is never remiss and if there was a family emergency unfolding, the last thing they needed was one of her clients phoning to find out where she was. Turned out we confirmed the appointment via text on our phones and she didn't note the date and time of the appointment in her schedule book - so she forgot. I called her home (a number she gave me ages ago when she was meeting me at her house as she recovered from a broken hip) and she answered and as soon as I said 'this is Majah', the gasped and said 'oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!'.
It's all good - it was a pretty drive and relaxing - singing at the top of my lungs to/from. Got me up and dressed which is also a good thing.
Only four more days of work until Winter Break 2018 commences. We have Cabinet most of Tuesday morning and a holiday potluck celebration on Thursday morning. In years past, we've gone out for an evening - but I'm really glad we're just sticking to staying at work. It's so hard to wedge in a night - and we're all ready to have the holiday commence.
I'm toying with the idea of heading up to Jackson tomorrow for a bit. I haven't been there in ages and I haven't been in front of a slot machine in over two months - I'm due! LOL. I have freeplay and another separate freeplay offer - and it will be a beautiful drive. The hills are greening up and it's very pretty.
I just made the final payment on our cruise - 104 days until we cruise the Panama Canal!
The Board approved using a search firm to find the new CBO - and when the discussion started, one board member said "I want Majah to work here". I said 'thank you, that is very sweet - and I am working here ....for another six months or so'. It is harder than I thought it would be to have those six long, slow moving (while simultaneously flying by) months.
We have the first set of docs for the house and we're reviewing them and signing (via online) - and we had a good talk with the realtor that works with the builder and developer of these homes. She reassured us that there's no way we'll need to come up with the 50% deposit before the end of this calendar year - an important tax consideration for us. We will manage the withdrawal for the down payment no problem - but being hit with the tax bill on that in April? No. That would be very scary this late in the year - having not adjusted withholding to account for that. And actually, we are cruising for the first two weeks of April, so our taxes have to be paid in March.
H. is lying low, we think. We were (once again) supposed to lunch with him and his sponsor - but that fell through - fifth week in a row, I think. I've given up caring about it honestly - but there's a part of me that is concerned that this new situation isn't good for H. - not enough accountability and holding his feet to the fire of constantly working the program. He hadn't gone to the rehab place to confirm he lied and confirm he did relapse - doesn't seem to think it's important to do that - which only makes me wonder if the story to cover the lies is another story? I hope he's not in a house where there's a selection of chemical options - I doubt it? Because everyone in the house is in recovery. But, H.'s sponsor's son has never been through any kind of rehab program - just his dad keeping him accountable. I know from experience that parents are completely ineffective in ensuring kids aren't using. You're not with them 24/7 and they are sneaky and manipulative -
I'm on guard and it's hard.
B. and B. (lovely young lady from prior post) are essentially kaput. I'm proud of B. (son) for realizing that the parameters of the relationship as envisioned by her were not what he was OK with. And he stood up for his feelings and said he couldn't see her anymore, given her decision about continuing to see someone else. I'll never understand how it went from that wonderful week of the ball - her amazing text and Facetime conversation about how amazing B. is (and he is, for sure) to her deciding she needed some space and then him realizing that her idea of space is dating at least one other guy. While also dating B. . Recipe for disaster. I felt super sad about it all - because I truly, really truly thought 'he's found the most amazing girl'. She seemed so proud of him being a soldier and so smitten. But no. It looks like it won't work out.
I talk to God about it every night and I have a really solid, wonderful feeling of peace - God knows what is in store for B. - and who knows. Time apart may make both of them regroup. Or not. And either way, son B. is OK and that's the most important thing. He will be home a week from today for two weeks - can't wait!!
J. and I made reservations for two nights in Reno with the boys - we both got a free room so our expenses will just be gas, road trip food and drinks and meals while we're there. Oh...and gaming, of course. We plan to take the boys to Carson City to see the spot where our house will be - it will be a fun trip and we're all looking forward to it. Especially the seafood buffet. Brooks' favorite.
I trekked to Hayward this morning and my therapist didn't show up. I should have called but I worried that she is never remiss and if there was a family emergency unfolding, the last thing they needed was one of her clients phoning to find out where she was. Turned out we confirmed the appointment via text on our phones and she didn't note the date and time of the appointment in her schedule book - so she forgot. I called her home (a number she gave me ages ago when she was meeting me at her house as she recovered from a broken hip) and she answered and as soon as I said 'this is Majah', the gasped and said 'oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!'.
It's all good - it was a pretty drive and relaxing - singing at the top of my lungs to/from. Got me up and dressed which is also a good thing.
Only four more days of work until Winter Break 2018 commences. We have Cabinet most of Tuesday morning and a holiday potluck celebration on Thursday morning. In years past, we've gone out for an evening - but I'm really glad we're just sticking to staying at work. It's so hard to wedge in a night - and we're all ready to have the holiday commence.
I'm toying with the idea of heading up to Jackson tomorrow for a bit. I haven't been there in ages and I haven't been in front of a slot machine in over two months - I'm due! LOL. I have freeplay and another separate freeplay offer - and it will be a beautiful drive. The hills are greening up and it's very pretty.
I just made the final payment on our cruise - 104 days until we cruise the Panama Canal!
Sunday, December 09, 2018
Chaos, Acceptance & Serenity
Before I jump in to the title subject, I'll share that I already packed up some fragile knickknack items from the living room - ready to label and put in the garage for eventually moving to a storage unit in Carson City. I bought a box of labels - easy peel, stick on that include room names, fragile, etc. -
J. says at the rate I'm going, we won't have anything to do when we're ready to move. We both know that's not true.
We spent time with H. today and we worked on Christmas decorations. H. & J. got the outside taken care of. We all sorted through stuff H. helped us bring down from the rafters and trimmed the tree. Tossed a lot of old, worn ornaments and created a bunch of new donation boxes. When the tree comes down in a few weeks, we're tossing it - it's been well used for years and we're looking forward to picking out a new one next year in Carson City.
We've got the Santa Ladder up (he carries lights and climbs up and down) and the luminary globe that blows 'snow' while a train travels inside the glass round and round. We've still got to get the Santa Ski Slope set up and the train that goes under the tree. We're pulling out all the stops this year - the last Christmas in this house. When we pack all the stuff up again, I'm leaning towards leaving it down and stacked in the garage - more items to move to storage before we put the house up for sale. We've got some repairs we need to make to the ceiling above the storage shelves - water damage from a toilet overflowing. It will need a patch of the the dry wall and a repainting. Adding that to the list of repairs, etc. we need to do.
We were planning to lunch with H. and his sponsor C. - H. is now living with C. and his son. H. came in to the office shortly before we were going to leave to meet C. and H. started talking about things. Trying to 'script' what the conversation was going to be when we were lunching with C. . He asked me not to talk about the 'New Hope' stuff. And I knew. I knew that the story he had crafted and told us about the incident that got him kicked out of the sober living house was bull shit. And over the next 30 minutes, I pulled all of it out of him. In the eyes of Narcotics Anonymous, he relapsed - made a bad choice and smoked weed one day with the guy he carpools with. His roommates were suspicious and went to New Hope and asked for H. to be tested - and he failed. Automatic and immediate expulsion from the sober living house. He crafted a story to cover what he'd done - but is was far fetched from the get-go. It was just a matter of time before it would unravel.
Or before H. unraveled.
Thankfully, he called his sponsor who immediately came to pick him up - and C. offered him a place to stay. We are eternally grateful for that because we wouldn't have let him come here - and without C. stepping in, H. would have been homeless. And would have quite possibly said 'F-it' and used heroin again - and (in H.'s own words) 'I would be dead. Pretty sure that's what would have happened'.
Now, he has to fess up to all the people he lied to for a week. And mostly he has to fess up to himself. Accept that he immediately reverted to his 'old' behaviors - lying, making up a story.
We told him that we won't let him come here anymore if he gets here and then leaves to spend time with friends. I said 'you spent time the Sunday before you relapsed with the same group of people you smoked with all the time - and we're not going to let you come here if you aren't planning to be here to visit with your family, spend time with your pets, do laundry and just enjoy the day. Otherwise, you're here to give yourself access to people you know you shouldn't hang out with - and you know that'. He agreed.
He said that C. (sponsor) said the same things - and that H. has to decide - because going back to the usual story crafting and lying is basically going to lead him down the same path - and that's a path he's determined to stay off of.
I stayed completely calm and told H. that his patterns always repeat - and it is good that he realizes that he has to fess up to the lie(s) and start over. Yes, you have been completely clean and sober from heroin for approaching seven months - that is an awesome and amazing thing and he has every reason to continue to be proud of that. But in the eyes of Narc Anon and your rehab program, you did relapse - and you have to own that. Narc Anon is very strict - and any chemical is a relapse. Period. End of story.
I told H. that it's easy to say 'well, it's just weed'. As a parent of someone addicted to heroin, I think 'well, geez, it's weed. Big deal'. BUT - I am the parent of an addict and I know how it will spiral into other things so easily, he won't even know it's happening until it's closing in on him again. He doesn't want that - I don't want that. J. doesn't want that.
I hope he does what he needs to do - goes to New Hope and confesses that he lied. Acknowledge that his rehab will basically start over - not with 30 days in residential but going to meetings there as often as he can. And sees the guys he lived with to tell them they were right to make an issue that resulted in the test.
He's working 10 hours days from now until the 20th - and as of day after tomorrow, he is a full time Wiley X employee - with benefits and everything! On January 2nd, he is going to move to a night shift - 11:30PM - 8AM Sundays through Thursday - he'll be off on Fridays and Saturdays. He'll get a raise (because he is officially moved to the lense room, which he loves) and a little additional bump for working the night shift.
Next on the list of things to do is try to figure out a way to get him some kind of bank account. And work on him saving a lot - especially the overtime $ he's going to be making.
J. and I. are disappointed and hurt about him reverting to his prior behaviors - it's never fun to realize that once again, he lied. But we're glad that he finally talked it through - realizing that trying to keep the lie going would never work. And that the only way to make it right was to come clean.
I made sure I made the point that he didn't come in here and spill it. It had to be pulled out of him, thing by thing. I told him I'm glad he told me - but I don't want him to tell people 'I told my parents' because that (also) isn't exactly what happened.
Time to live true, H. - it's been a long time coming. We love you.
J. says at the rate I'm going, we won't have anything to do when we're ready to move. We both know that's not true.
We spent time with H. today and we worked on Christmas decorations. H. & J. got the outside taken care of. We all sorted through stuff H. helped us bring down from the rafters and trimmed the tree. Tossed a lot of old, worn ornaments and created a bunch of new donation boxes. When the tree comes down in a few weeks, we're tossing it - it's been well used for years and we're looking forward to picking out a new one next year in Carson City.
We've got the Santa Ladder up (he carries lights and climbs up and down) and the luminary globe that blows 'snow' while a train travels inside the glass round and round. We've still got to get the Santa Ski Slope set up and the train that goes under the tree. We're pulling out all the stops this year - the last Christmas in this house. When we pack all the stuff up again, I'm leaning towards leaving it down and stacked in the garage - more items to move to storage before we put the house up for sale. We've got some repairs we need to make to the ceiling above the storage shelves - water damage from a toilet overflowing. It will need a patch of the the dry wall and a repainting. Adding that to the list of repairs, etc. we need to do.
We were planning to lunch with H. and his sponsor C. - H. is now living with C. and his son. H. came in to the office shortly before we were going to leave to meet C. and H. started talking about things. Trying to 'script' what the conversation was going to be when we were lunching with C. . He asked me not to talk about the 'New Hope' stuff. And I knew. I knew that the story he had crafted and told us about the incident that got him kicked out of the sober living house was bull shit. And over the next 30 minutes, I pulled all of it out of him. In the eyes of Narcotics Anonymous, he relapsed - made a bad choice and smoked weed one day with the guy he carpools with. His roommates were suspicious and went to New Hope and asked for H. to be tested - and he failed. Automatic and immediate expulsion from the sober living house. He crafted a story to cover what he'd done - but is was far fetched from the get-go. It was just a matter of time before it would unravel.
Or before H. unraveled.
Thankfully, he called his sponsor who immediately came to pick him up - and C. offered him a place to stay. We are eternally grateful for that because we wouldn't have let him come here - and without C. stepping in, H. would have been homeless. And would have quite possibly said 'F-it' and used heroin again - and (in H.'s own words) 'I would be dead. Pretty sure that's what would have happened'.
Now, he has to fess up to all the people he lied to for a week. And mostly he has to fess up to himself. Accept that he immediately reverted to his 'old' behaviors - lying, making up a story.
We told him that we won't let him come here anymore if he gets here and then leaves to spend time with friends. I said 'you spent time the Sunday before you relapsed with the same group of people you smoked with all the time - and we're not going to let you come here if you aren't planning to be here to visit with your family, spend time with your pets, do laundry and just enjoy the day. Otherwise, you're here to give yourself access to people you know you shouldn't hang out with - and you know that'. He agreed.
He said that C. (sponsor) said the same things - and that H. has to decide - because going back to the usual story crafting and lying is basically going to lead him down the same path - and that's a path he's determined to stay off of.
I stayed completely calm and told H. that his patterns always repeat - and it is good that he realizes that he has to fess up to the lie(s) and start over. Yes, you have been completely clean and sober from heroin for approaching seven months - that is an awesome and amazing thing and he has every reason to continue to be proud of that. But in the eyes of Narc Anon and your rehab program, you did relapse - and you have to own that. Narc Anon is very strict - and any chemical is a relapse. Period. End of story.
I told H. that it's easy to say 'well, it's just weed'. As a parent of someone addicted to heroin, I think 'well, geez, it's weed. Big deal'. BUT - I am the parent of an addict and I know how it will spiral into other things so easily, he won't even know it's happening until it's closing in on him again. He doesn't want that - I don't want that. J. doesn't want that.
I hope he does what he needs to do - goes to New Hope and confesses that he lied. Acknowledge that his rehab will basically start over - not with 30 days in residential but going to meetings there as often as he can. And sees the guys he lived with to tell them they were right to make an issue that resulted in the test.
He's working 10 hours days from now until the 20th - and as of day after tomorrow, he is a full time Wiley X employee - with benefits and everything! On January 2nd, he is going to move to a night shift - 11:30PM - 8AM Sundays through Thursday - he'll be off on Fridays and Saturdays. He'll get a raise (because he is officially moved to the lense room, which he loves) and a little additional bump for working the night shift.
Next on the list of things to do is try to figure out a way to get him some kind of bank account. And work on him saving a lot - especially the overtime $ he's going to be making.
J. and I. are disappointed and hurt about him reverting to his prior behaviors - it's never fun to realize that once again, he lied. But we're glad that he finally talked it through - realizing that trying to keep the lie going would never work. And that the only way to make it right was to come clean.
I made sure I made the point that he didn't come in here and spill it. It had to be pulled out of him, thing by thing. I told him I'm glad he told me - but I don't want him to tell people 'I told my parents' because that (also) isn't exactly what happened.
Time to live true, H. - it's been a long time coming. We love you.
Sunday, December 02, 2018
Feels Like Orchestrated Chaos
I headed up to bed on Friday grumpy. Saturday was going to include going to Hayward for most of the morning and then having lunch with H. and his sponsor C.. And working....which meant thinking about getting to work for a few hours BEFORE the trip to Hayward and working into the late evening AFTER the lunch with H. and C.. It all felt like way too much - and especially knowing that Sunday would be a full day of work as well. (And it's my second weekend in a row of working so I'm a little behind on feeling like I've had a day off).
Early Saturday morning, my cell phone rang and it was my therapist K. saying that she was pretty sick and knew she was contagious - fever, chills, 'the worst sore throat I've had in my life'. She was cancelling. I had already given up totally on the idea of getting to the office for a few hours before heading to Hayward - so I lingered a bit at home. Before I left for work, H. confirmed that C. son had car trouble, was pulled over on the side of a road and needed help - so lunch was off.
Just like that, a mostly normal day of work.
We've had quite a bit of kid drama this week. It's been a reminder that parenting doesn't stop and it's possible that BOOM! sort of feeling contributed to my sense of overwhelm.
The beautiful lady who B. was seeing pulled a 360 on him - they went to dinner last Sunday and while I'm still a little fuzzy on all that happened, suffice it to say it was a hard dinner. B. realized that she was still dating someone he was under the impression she had stopped seeing. On Monday, he said she texted him that she was going to stop seeing the other guy. On Wednesday, she texted him that there was a lot of stuff going on at home and work, she was feeling very stressed and needed to 'take a break'. B. was (appropriately) upset - and said (inserting another fun, smiley, clearly smitten picture of the two of them from the Winter Ball) 'how do you go from this to 'need a break' in the span of a week?
I tried to encourage B. to accept what she was asking for - a break. She didn't say she never wanted to see him again; didn't say anything other than 'a lot of things happening at home and work' - so accept that she needs/wants some space. He wasn't really good on that score - and I had to remind myself that I didn't know all the 'other' pieces of the puzzle that B. might.
He said (to me) on Friday 'I'm really not interested in talking to her, Mom'. This in response to me suggesting he let her know that he was headed out for 10 days of 'off the grid' maneuvers. He said 'she knows when I'm going on my training exercise, Mom, and I don't want to talk to her. Might not be the noblest of responses, but it's what I think I need to do'.
I do give him credit for living according to his convictions.
B. (girl B.) did reach out to son B. before he left - said she hoped he had a good week. He asked how she was doing and she said 'there's just a lot going on' and he said 'OK'. At least he inquired to confirm he cares about her and glad she inquired of him to confirm the same.
Who knows how this will all turn out. I certainly don't.
H. is now living with his sponsor - and yes, there was something that happened that necessitated that change - but it's something C. (sponsor) had been offering and suggesting to H. for a while. It's a better arrangement for H. - though it does add some complexity to him getting to/from meetings and follow-up care at New Hope. To add to the extreme stress (of all of us), he was offered a new job at WileyX - he's working in the lens room using lasers to cut the lenses. The shift starts at 6 and ends at 2:30 - and that schedule didn't work with commuting with C. (who also works at Wiley X). Luckily, the other person working in the lens room also lives in Modesto so H. is carpooling with him.
And as if all that wasn't enough change, Wiley X is doing a month of mandatory overtime that will have H. reporting to work at 4AM everyday - from now until Christmas. Luckily, the person H. commutes with will also have to work that shift - so H. still has a ride.
H. thinks he will be off for two weeks for Christmas and New Years and if that's true, he is going to spend a day or two taking care of the issues he has in San Mateo. He needs to get the warrant resolved - because if the people he rides with get pulled over, H. is going to jail - and he needs to get the warrant 'closed' so that won't happen.
I've got a massive report due to the Board in a week and while I made good progress this weekend, I feel way, way behind. I'm planning to close my office door, close the window blind and put on my ear buds and toil away all day tomorrow - because I have a massive amount of (other) Board prep to do as well.
I have a lot of moments these days when I feel like I can't keep track of everything - I'm making stupid mistakes that take a ton of time to fix - and it makes me worry that I'm going to make a huge mistake any my legacy will be 'she's the CBO who made such a huge error right before she retired that the district was in financial peril'. I know the odds are not likely but...it's how I feel. On top of all the stuff at home and all the regular stuff at work, I'm also trying (mostly in vain, it feels like) to create documentation, process and procedures for the incoming CBO - it feels pretty impossible but I'm trying. At least I'm somewhat relieved to confirm that there is absolutely no way there will be someone in my role when we come back after Winter Break - and it's looking more like February or March. My boss has decided to go out using a search firm which will lengthen the process a bit but will likely result in someone with more experience and up to the tasks.
Assuming March, I'll have four weeks that month, off for close to three weeks in April for our cruise and then back just in time to work on budget with the new person. Ten weeks after returning from the cruise, I'll be packing up. Seven months will zoom by - I'm sure of that.
Tomorrow, we conference with the builder - the new floor plan is awesome but still has some oddities that we need to fix. But it is much more appropriate for the shape of the lot and we love how it's looking so far!
Early Saturday morning, my cell phone rang and it was my therapist K. saying that she was pretty sick and knew she was contagious - fever, chills, 'the worst sore throat I've had in my life'. She was cancelling. I had already given up totally on the idea of getting to the office for a few hours before heading to Hayward - so I lingered a bit at home. Before I left for work, H. confirmed that C. son had car trouble, was pulled over on the side of a road and needed help - so lunch was off.
Just like that, a mostly normal day of work.
We've had quite a bit of kid drama this week. It's been a reminder that parenting doesn't stop and it's possible that BOOM! sort of feeling contributed to my sense of overwhelm.
The beautiful lady who B. was seeing pulled a 360 on him - they went to dinner last Sunday and while I'm still a little fuzzy on all that happened, suffice it to say it was a hard dinner. B. realized that she was still dating someone he was under the impression she had stopped seeing. On Monday, he said she texted him that she was going to stop seeing the other guy. On Wednesday, she texted him that there was a lot of stuff going on at home and work, she was feeling very stressed and needed to 'take a break'. B. was (appropriately) upset - and said (inserting another fun, smiley, clearly smitten picture of the two of them from the Winter Ball) 'how do you go from this to 'need a break' in the span of a week?
I tried to encourage B. to accept what she was asking for - a break. She didn't say she never wanted to see him again; didn't say anything other than 'a lot of things happening at home and work' - so accept that she needs/wants some space. He wasn't really good on that score - and I had to remind myself that I didn't know all the 'other' pieces of the puzzle that B. might.
He said (to me) on Friday 'I'm really not interested in talking to her, Mom'. This in response to me suggesting he let her know that he was headed out for 10 days of 'off the grid' maneuvers. He said 'she knows when I'm going on my training exercise, Mom, and I don't want to talk to her. Might not be the noblest of responses, but it's what I think I need to do'.
I do give him credit for living according to his convictions.
B. (girl B.) did reach out to son B. before he left - said she hoped he had a good week. He asked how she was doing and she said 'there's just a lot going on' and he said 'OK'. At least he inquired to confirm he cares about her and glad she inquired of him to confirm the same.
Who knows how this will all turn out. I certainly don't.
H. is now living with his sponsor - and yes, there was something that happened that necessitated that change - but it's something C. (sponsor) had been offering and suggesting to H. for a while. It's a better arrangement for H. - though it does add some complexity to him getting to/from meetings and follow-up care at New Hope. To add to the extreme stress (of all of us), he was offered a new job at WileyX - he's working in the lens room using lasers to cut the lenses. The shift starts at 6 and ends at 2:30 - and that schedule didn't work with commuting with C. (who also works at Wiley X). Luckily, the other person working in the lens room also lives in Modesto so H. is carpooling with him.
And as if all that wasn't enough change, Wiley X is doing a month of mandatory overtime that will have H. reporting to work at 4AM everyday - from now until Christmas. Luckily, the person H. commutes with will also have to work that shift - so H. still has a ride.
H. thinks he will be off for two weeks for Christmas and New Years and if that's true, he is going to spend a day or two taking care of the issues he has in San Mateo. He needs to get the warrant resolved - because if the people he rides with get pulled over, H. is going to jail - and he needs to get the warrant 'closed' so that won't happen.
I've got a massive report due to the Board in a week and while I made good progress this weekend, I feel way, way behind. I'm planning to close my office door, close the window blind and put on my ear buds and toil away all day tomorrow - because I have a massive amount of (other) Board prep to do as well.
I have a lot of moments these days when I feel like I can't keep track of everything - I'm making stupid mistakes that take a ton of time to fix - and it makes me worry that I'm going to make a huge mistake any my legacy will be 'she's the CBO who made such a huge error right before she retired that the district was in financial peril'. I know the odds are not likely but...it's how I feel. On top of all the stuff at home and all the regular stuff at work, I'm also trying (mostly in vain, it feels like) to create documentation, process and procedures for the incoming CBO - it feels pretty impossible but I'm trying. At least I'm somewhat relieved to confirm that there is absolutely no way there will be someone in my role when we come back after Winter Break - and it's looking more like February or March. My boss has decided to go out using a search firm which will lengthen the process a bit but will likely result in someone with more experience and up to the tasks.
Assuming March, I'll have four weeks that month, off for close to three weeks in April for our cruise and then back just in time to work on budget with the new person. Ten weeks after returning from the cruise, I'll be packing up. Seven months will zoom by - I'm sure of that.
Tomorrow, we conference with the builder - the new floor plan is awesome but still has some oddities that we need to fix. But it is much more appropriate for the shape of the lot and we love how it's looking so far!
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Tales of Helpers
Our cleaning lady D. is here today - she wears earbuds and chats on the phone while she works. She is the third cleaning 'person(s)'...
