Saturday, December 31, 2005

Sweet Life

For Christmas, J. gave me a bauble. I like baubles. He knows I like them. The best part is that he lets me pick them out - so he KNOWS I will LOVE it.

My latest addition to my growing bling collection is a Jeanine Payer ring that reads: The experience of this sweet life. It is gold and silver with a floating diamond on the bottom band. You can see it at sundancecatalog.com if you're interested.

I love this ring for what it says. A daily reminder to be thankful for this sweet life. Be thankful for all my blessings. J. and the kids and our life. It is a wonderfully sweet life I am living...and I love having that statement on the middle finger of my right hand all the time to remind me. Pleasant to look at on days like today when the sweetness of this life is overwhelming. And handy to look at on days when it feels not-so-sweet - when I'm tired, stressed, overwhelmed, wishing for some alone time. Those days happen. But the ring will help remind me that sweetness prevails. I just have to let it in.

Hope your life is sweet and the sweetness grows. If you think it isn't, keep looking. You'll find it. Sometimes it takes time. But it's there.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Survived

Christmas is over. We made it. The day before felt like a long, drawn out panic attack. Too much - too much to do, too much to plan. And then, the evening traditions fell apart - the Santa Clause movie was MISSING. As in nowhere to be found. Personally, I think we tossed the VHS version thinking we had it on DVD - but we either don't have it on DVD OR we had it and have misplaced it. We searched high and low with no success. B. is just SO locked into his traditions - he was freaking out. Generally making us all miserable about it. So we made a trip to Blockbuster in search of the movie and they didn't have it either. We drove around looking at lights (and the kids were shocked and seemed upset when I shared that we started that tradition as a way to get them sleepy so they'd go to bed earlier) and then had cocoa and went to bed. J. and I were still up until after midnight wrapping and doing the 'Santa' thing. I fretted that it didn't look like much under the tree.

When the kids were little, J. would take them to Visalia to visit his folks the day after Thanksgiving. I would have everything purchased and spend the entire Thanksgiving weekend wrapping - so it was ALL done by December 1st. My co-workers were always so impressed and amazed - and in hindsight, it's probably one of the few REALLY organized things I consistently did. Those days are over - no Visalia visits anymore and I seem to shop until the last minute. Then spend hours wrapping. Thankfully, J. helps a lot - he has this entire 'code' system worked out so I can sign the Santa presents (I've been perfecting that signature for close to 15 years now and have it pretty well mastered) and label them with the names of the recipient. Two upstairs rooms become wrapping central - and still look like a tornado hit them.

Christmas morning was fun. Both boys up early and in good spirits. Patienly waited for me and let me sleep in until almost NINE - amazing. The gifts were a big hit - especially the scavenger hunt for $$. We owed them allowance and added some Christmas money - so they both got a 'windfall' and had to read clues and hunt for it. They had fun. It was a great morning. The boys headed to the game room for Playstation - they each got a new game and Santa left a game for the two of them as well. Santa also left the family a real clay poker chip set and a poker table set. We plan to have a poker night this week and try to wedge in a family game night every week or so.

Today, we will work hard on getting the house back to 'normal' (or our version of normal, anyway). Some order will be returned. We will start culling out closets for the year-end donations to Goodwill. We will eat leftovers, enjoy our gifts and hang out at home. Tomorrow, the first wave of extended family arrive in the area - followed by another wave on Thursday. I'm counting down the vacation days left - and they are flying by, as expected.

Hope your holidays are proceeding happily. Enjoy.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Whirlwind

It's the season when the days fly by. Can't keep up. Behind at home. Behind at work. Being behind at work doesn't stop me from taking a weeks vacation in addition to the 'closure days' - but it did make me go in yesterday when I was supposed to be off. The closure days are WONDERFUL 'cuz you no noone else will be there, either. So what needs to wait will wait - and noone will care. LOVE THAT!

AND I caught the cold going around our house - last week was H. This week, B. was hit and had to keep going since he had finals all week. Yesterday afternoon, after I left work, it started. Sore throat, achy, headache. Lovely.

We leave for Disneyland tomorrow. We opened the Santa package left under the tree last Monday (when he was in the neighborhood for H's school performance). I always forget the camera - their faces were priceless. First the realization that we're going to Disneyland - then the absolute rapture/shock that we're going TOMORROW. They are over the moon excited. And are trying to help us get ready. We'll take the dogs to the kennel this afternoon and be packed up and ready to walk out the door (hopefully) tomorrow morning fairly early.

My sister K. is doing OK. Yesterday was their 33rd wedding anniversary and it sounds like it hit them both very hard. She is doing the best she can - one day at a time. She's learning to do so many things she's always relied on M. to do - de-icing the cars, the sidewalks. Grocery shopping. Little things that M. has always done and now it's all up to her. But she's doing fine - she's a tough cookie. I'm sending her a package of stuff for Christmas - spoiling her this year 'cuz she deserves it. She ALWAYS deserves it - but this year especially. Wish we lived closer so she could spend some of her time off with us. But she wants to tackle this 'being alone' thing head-on - so she's spending her 11 days off alone. Friends to see, things to do. Sleeping when she wants to, crying when she needs to. She'll be fine.

More soon - probably not until we get home from Disneyland. The 2nd surprise for the kids will be revealed when we meet my sister P. and her husband at the Rain Forest Cafe tomorrow night for dinner. The kids have NO IDEA their beloved aunt & uncle are joining us from Arizona - and are going to be even MORE excited when they see them. I can't wait and WILL have the camera ready for those shots!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Monday

It is now the Sunday after Thanksgiving and frankly, I'm in shock. Tuesday evening found us all staring in wonder at the glorious five days that lay before us. Yes, they would be busy days - preparing a big meal, welcoming family to our home. But the exhiliration and joy in this house on Tuesday evening was obvious. Five amazing days stretched out before us and we were elated and set about undwinding.

But now, it is Sunday evening just after 7 and the full reality that TOMORROW IS MONDAY is in full swing. We have ingested Costco pizza for dinner. B. is doing homework in the livingroom - homework which was never mentioned and we had no idea he had to do. And I can't be upset with him for that 'cuz I HAVE A GIANT BOX AND TOTE BAG FULL of stuff I was going to do for work - and in fact one thing that I REALLY HAVE TO DO for Monday. But here I am - blogging instead. I will get up really early and work on it before I leave the house or leave pre-dawn for work and work there.

I remind myself that we all need downtime. We need to give ourselves permission to 'DO NOTHING' - and that's pretty much what we did all weekend. And thankfully, we only have three weeks of work and school before we get SEVENTEEN days off for Christmas. And I have a lot of 'plans' for that time off as well. And undoubtedly, that time will fly by also and there will be another evening where I realize that I didn't accomplish what I planned to/wanted to/needed to. And I'm fine with that. I embrace my 'slothness'. I'm good at it and sometimes, I just need it.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Work

I was in the corporate world for 20+ years and was with my last company for 12 years. When I left my last corporate job, I couldn't bring myself to go back to that world - to working my heart out so someone else (the CEO or whomever) would be able to buy an island in the Bahamas off the profits made from stock while the company crumbled around the peons that did all the work. Been there, done that. (And a major 'high up' person in the company I worked for DID buy an island and leave the continental US shortly after reassuring the senior 'middle managers' [me included] that all was well and we would weather our current storm). Pictures of the island available on request.

Anyway, I now work for a college. And life is so much more satisfying. Still frustrations at times. People can be jerks sometimes no matter what 'type' of place you work at. But for the most part, my days are spent working really hard for not a lot of money with people who are without a doubt the most dedicated, goal oriented and driven folks I've ever met. Everyone is there because they love what they do. Most have been in education their entire careers. Teachers who have moved into administration. Students who have returned to teach. Support staff who've been there since the school opened. And a few like me - looking for something different.

Committee driven. Union environment. Nothing is done without a whole lot of discussion and time spent debating every little thing. Hard to get used to. Sometimes long for the day when a decision would be made and people were told to do it - and it got done. Decisions at the school still get made - but the process takes a lot longer.

Still, I love what I do and how I spend my days now. With the exception of the morning commute, it's a dream job. When I walk from my car to my office every morning, I say good morning to the birds happily residing in the many trees. Or hello to the bunnies living in the shrubs all over campus. I remind the bunnies that if Stan (the head groundskeeper) finds them eating his petunias, they're going to end up in stew by evening. (Stan would NEVER do that - but I warn the bunnies anyway 'cuz eating the flowers is not something Stan would approve of - though I'm secretly happy that they are treating themselves to what are obviously delicious blossoms). When I walk around the campus for business or pleasure, I enjoy the rolling hills with cows and vineyards. The open space. The incredible beauty of the surroundings is such a stark contrast to the miles of cement and buildings where I spent so much of my corporate time. It's good for my soul to be in a place that seems miles away from the city (though it's just down the hill). Walking is a treat - there are 'secret' paths that make you feel like you're in the country, far far away from your 'normal' life.

It's a happy place to be, with fun people. It's a joy, really. And I never would have thought I'd ever say that about going to work everyday. But I do - 'cuz it is. Pure joy.

Sundays

We have started attending a Lutheran church in our city. Recommended by friends. We all enjoy it. A contemporary service with upbeat, sing-along-able Christian music. Communion every other week (which we don't participate in 'cuz we aren't officially members of the church, yet). The boys enjoy it and attend service with us.

I like that the boys 'need' faith and are seeking it out. They suggested we start attending - they have attended with their friends on Sundays after sleepovers. The church is very welcoming and we feel very lucky to have found it. It is traditional without being stifling or stuffy. I don't feel compelled to wear a dress. I do 'dress up' a bit - but the boys wear what they choose - jeans and collared shirts are completely fine and they fit right in with all the other kids in attendance. Jim doesn't have to (nor does he) wear a tie. It's comfortable. And not too, too long. The service itself last just slightly over an hour. Like a Catholic mass. Short and sweet. We enjoy the sermons and both Jim and I have commented to each other how we listen and we 'get it'. Not like when you're a kid and going and you can't really understand it - possibly 'cuz you don't have a lot of life experience to relate the preaching to. But now, we listen and we get it. And we always leave feeling a bit more 'connected' to life and each other and faith.

We haven't been lately since we've been out of town so much after Dad's death. But we're all hoping to go this weekend - we're looking forward to it, even. Personally, I think the kids are most looking forward to the donuts and mochas after the service in the social hall. But I think they also look forward to some quiet time to contemplate God and life and faith. And I look forward to all four of us at the same place at the same time, which doesn't happen a lot lately.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Christmas

I'll start this post with I LOVE CHRISTMAS. LOVE IT. Love it even more now that I work at a school where we get a LOT of days off as 'closure days' - they don't count against our vacation. The campus is closed, so we're off those days. So I enjoy the week between Christmas and New Years off. Love that A LOT!

Yesterday, I tossed the Toys 'R Us ad into the recycle bin without even glancing at it. A milestone of sorts. Acknowledging that there isn't a single thing in that ad which would even remotely interest either of my kids. They are WAY past the TrU phase of their lives. Best Buy? Yes. Big 5? Probably. Target? Possibly, if it's in electronics. Their wants this year are BIG and expensive. No longer can I fill up under the tree with lots of smaller fun toys. Now, their toys are snowboards, drum sets, ski clothes, ski passes, MP3 players, etc. I long for the days when bunches of $20 toys would fill up the tree and keep them playing for hours. Now, the gifts are so big and pricey - so there's not much actually under the tree - mainly 'cuz it won't fit there. I am resorting to the old standbys of buying them socks and underwear and any other 'basic' items I can think of that they need - something to put under the tree that costs less than $200.

I know they won't be disappointed. They understand that their growing up to really expensive presents means one big present/year. That's it. They know to choose carefully 'cuz their 'wish list' of numerous expensive things won't be filled. Some will need to be carried over for Birthdays...or to ask relatives who inquire to send $$ towards a specific item. Still, I can't not have a lot under the tree. Christmas morning has to be BIG - a shock between how the tree looked when they went to bed and how it looks when they wake up. That's Christmas. But every year, it get's harder to get that 'wow' factor - and this year will be no exception.

We have a great Christmas full of great traditions. Watching 'The Santa Clause' on Christmas eve after we've driven around looking at lights. Hot cocoa made from 'scratch' - with cocoa powder, sugar, milk - warmed and whipped on the stove. Bed as early as we can get them there. Waking up at the crack of dawn. It's always lots of fun. I just hope they aren't disappointed with the few big things under the tree. My mom always made Christmas 'magical' for me and my sister and I do the same for my kids. It's just getting harder as they get older to amaze them. But we'll try. This year, we're planning a surprise week in Disneyland the week before Christmas - and a BIG surprise will be Aunt P. and Uncle F. meeting us in the park from Arizona. That will be a 'wow' for sure. The kids have no idea (so far) and though they'll figure it out as soon as we head south on I5, they won't know about P & F until we run into them at the surfboard in California Adventure. That's a big Christmas surprise! for sure.

Hope I can come up with more 'wow' before the big day. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Hope

Hadn't heard from my sister K. after our conversation last week. Her husband arrived home during our conversation and she was going to tell him that she was moving out. I didn't hear anything - so sort of got my hopes up that he realized that he couldn't live without her and didn't want her to leave. He can (live without her) and does (want her to leave), apparently, since she is moving. An email today confirmed that she is officially moving out tomorrow into her new small, light-filled apartment. Movers come tomorrow. My niece arrives from Arizona on Thursday to help w/ paring down clothes, etc.

So, it is happening. And I am trying hard to be OK about it - for both of them. Thankfully, K. insists that choosing sides is not required. I love my brother-in-law like a brother - am possibly somewhat (though admittedly not very) closer to him than I am to my own actual brother...so not having him as family anymore is a strange concept. Maybe this 'split' will still result in everyone being friendly, if not friends. Hope so, for everyone's sake.

I'd love to get on a plane and go be there for her - but am saving my vacation time for 2 weeks in Hawaii in June. And anyway, if I were off work again, my boss is going to have a coronary (and he's a really nice guy and I don't want him to die). :-) I've been gone a lot lately - so need to stay and work. But wish I could be in two places at once so I could help K. We had such a great time in Florida and I'm sure moving her into her new space would be fun, in a sad, strange sort of way.

K., I'm with you in spirit. Thinking about you constantly. Hoping that what is happening to your marriage isn't what will happen to mine when the kids are grown and gone. But what's happening to you makes it all to obvious that it can happen to anyone. People do fall out of love - they really do. J., I know you're reading this - and I do love you and plan to be with you for the REST OF MY LIFE...so don't go getting any ideas, OK?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Endings

Yesterday, we pretty much finished cleaning out Dad's house. A huge garage sale was held - lookey-loo's turned up at 6:30 AM. The crowds came in waves and when it was hectic, it was hectic. Took all of us, kids included, to keep up with who's buying what, who's paid for what, etc. It was a fun morning. And around noonish, the crowds had slowed and it was time to start deciding what to donate and what to toss into the gigantic dumpster that has been sitting in front of the house for two weeks waiting for this 'clean out' process.

It felt horrible to toss so much. So many things that meant something to J's folks. But it had to be done. Some stuff is just 'to be tossed'. No reason to donate or keep. So we plowed through. Took two vans and a truckload full of stuff to the Goodwill. Tossed the rest. Then frantically went back through the house and realized how much there still was to go through. Drapes down and tossed (Dad smoked like a fiend and they reaked). Linens that weren't laundered before we sold the washer and dryer (first thing in the AM), so they were tossed as well. It was starting to be too hard.

By the end of the day, our van and car both loaded to the gills with remaining 'stuff', we headed home. Me, choked up in J's car, alone (getting about an hour head start down the road) and wishing I wasn't alone. J. and the boys in the van behind me. J. called as they were pulling onto the freeway to say they were all 3 crying. He was fine until he heard the sniffles in the backseats and turned around to see both boys crying their eyes out - and then he couldn't stop his tears, either. I felt choked up and sad pretty much the entire drive. Realizing that someday, my boys will be doing the same thing to our house - wrestling with what to keep and what to toss. Feeling guilty about not keeping all of it - yet realizing that keeping all of it is impossible. Everything comes to an end, someday. As hard and sad as that is, it is. Can't stop it - can't avoid it. Just have to deal with it. I wish the boys didn't have to know this so early in their lives - but in some way, I'm glad they do. Hopefully, helping with their grandparent's house will make going through our house easier someday. Seeing Jim and his brother make hard decisions about what to do with stuff will help them know that it is hard, it is supposed to be hard, and it's OK. Just do what you can and get it done. And seeing us not be attached to all these objects will help them keep only those things that really, really mean something to them. And remind them that the memories are what matter. The stuff is just stuff.

Some other family is going to buy that house and raise a family in it. It is a wonderful place for a family. The yard is GIGANTIC, the home beautiful. Hardwood floors throughout. It needs updating - but it will be a fun house for a young family with time and know-how to make their own. I told the boys that someday, we'll stop by again and tell the new owners this was our grandparent's home - and maybe they'll invite us in to see it. It will never be the same - but change is the only real constant in life, anyway. So learning that earlier in their life rather than later is an OK thing.

We know you're enjoying the dance, Mom and Dad. And we trust that you know we are doing the best we can. Somedays are still hard - and the endings that are still there for us to deal with are and will be hard. But we'll deal. We comfort each other and hold onto memories - and move forward. It's the best we can do.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Shock

Yesterday, I heard from my sister K. who I mentioned in an earlier post. We are keeping our promise to stay in touch. So at work yesterday, I checked my home email briefly (very briefly, if my boss ever reads this blog). A note from K. said 'Hi - are you there'? So I wrote her back that I was. About 15 minutes later, another email from Kath - this one containing a draft of an email she said she would be sending out shortly. In this email, she explained that she and her hubby had been having a difficult time for some time - and had decided to divorce. I couldn't believe it. Still can't really fathom it. When I first read that sentence, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I had to go back to the note she wrote before the draft - to be sure the email I was reading was from her. I sat at my desk shaking - because honestly, I just can't believe it. K. and her husband M. have been married since I was TWELVE YEARS OLD - 33 years. They were married in the livingroom of our house by an Arizona Supreme Court judge who is still a family friend. Their marriage ending is like some natural disaster in my head that I just can't get my psyche around. K. insists she is fine. She is moving out of their home this week into a tiny apartment. She says 'he says he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be married anymore. He's very unhappy and I want him to be OK'. So she's moving on. Just like that. Though she said it's been coming for 3+ years. I asked her 'why didn't you say anything in Florida'. She said 'because nothing had been decided. We've been to therapy, he's being treated for depression - but he's not happy. So I'm done'.

It's sad. They were so incredibly in love. I mean really, really in love. Every morning for most of their married life, M. would make her a 'card' that he'd tape to her coffee mug. Little pictures and sayings - everyday for every occasion. K. has all of them in scrapbooks. Little works of art (M. is an artist) that show how much he loved her. EVERY DAY - without fail. Years and years of these tokens. When I asked her in Florida if he still did that, she said 'no'. And I teased her 'well that's it then, the bloom is definitely off the marriage'. Just joking. And she laughed. I had no idea....

Monday, November 07, 2005

Dad

My father-in-law died a couple weeks ago. We had a memorial service for him last weekend in Visalia, where he raised three kids. Let me tell you about Dad.

First, calling him Dad was always special to me. I was only 6 when my own dad died and my mom never remarried. I don't remember ever having anyone to call 'Dad'. So when I married, I asked my in-laws if it was OK to just call them Mom and Dad. It was. I think it bugged my mom a bit - how easy it was for me to call another woman 'Mom'. But calling my f-i-l Dad was so important to me -

Dad was a southern gentleman through and through. From Kentucky. Military man who retired as a Major and then worked for Tulare county and retired from there. His post-retirement job was caring for C., his wife. She had polio and was in a wheelchair. He attended to her every need. Devotedly and unfailingly every day for 40+ years. They were the ultimate example of 'in sickness and in health'. Caring for her was like breathing to him. It was what he did, who he was and what made him whole. When she died 5 years ago (5 months after my mom died), it left a hole in his soul that couldn't be filled - not by grandkids, or kids, or visits, or phonecalls. He missed her so much.

J. is a lot like his dad, I think. Few words. Thrifty (which is not the same as cheap). Loving and caring in a quiet, constant way. Proud. A true gentleman. J. gave a moving tribute to his dad during the service and it was so wonderful. We picture them as they are in a picture that hung on the wall by the kitchen - dancing cheek to cheek, madly in love, before Polio. So happy. A family favorite, that picture.

We miss you, Dad. Your grandsons miss you terribly - but they know you are with Mom in heaven dancing, and it helps.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Family

I returned late last night (well, early this morning, actually) from a whirlwind weekend in Florida. A memorial service for my Uncle Milt. The weekend was full of fun and family - centered around a memorial service for an amazing man. We toasted him at every opportunity - with everything from Florida wines (mango and key lime), wine, beer and Mojitos.

I hadn't been looking forward to the trip, honestly. Wanted to see everyone and be there, but I'm not that keen on flying and my 'schedule' being disrupted is always a challenge. It was a truly FUN weekend and I am so glad I went. My sister K. was there (from Ohio), as was my Aunt M. (from Massachusetts) (whom I'm named after). Also lots of cousins, their kids and family. We scattered Milt's ashes on the river, told stories, said prayers, cried, laughed and celebrated being family. So many stories and memories and shared histories. Remembering people we've lost and miss, remembering Milt, talking about our families futures (our kids). I stayed ON THE BEACH and listened to the surf every night and felt 'at home'. I can't wait to take J. and the kids there - I'd love to retire there. Or at least rent a place for a month or two and try it out. Lovely people, lovely sites, river and ocean practically next to each other.

My sister K. and I reconnected, which I needed. I've missed being in 'touch' with her. Our busy lives intervene and it's hard to write or call as much as we'd like. But we're going to try to keep in touch via email - even if it's just the same old 'boring daily details' of life. When we were planning our mom's 75th birthday party (K. in Arizona and me here), we emailed constantly and had so much fun in those months before the party. Sadly, Mom died 6 months later and K. and her husband moved to Ohio - and we lost touch. But we're back now - and I'm happy about that.

Family's a good thing. It's good to be reminded that you need them.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Oddities

I had a hysterectomy a few weeks ago. It's been a fairly easy recovery. No abdominal incision (they can take out your uterus via the vagina these days - who knew?) makes it very easy. Six weeks off is the standard - but that just seems wrong to me. So, I had planned to go back after 3 weeks. Only I was felled by a cold/flu that knocked me on my keister for a week. So I'm going back after 3 1/2 weeks.

Anyway, I entered the hospital on a Wednesday a coffee drinker. And I exited the hospital on Friday a non-coffee drinker. Not sure how or why that happened - but I have absolutely no desire for coffee. Can't stomach it, actually. Am wanting tea some mornings, but even that is sporadic. BUT, I do wake up wanting breakfast. And I am a 45 year die-hard 'I don't eat breakfast' person. But I suddenly am. A bowl of cereal or a piece of toast and a slice of cheese. Something. But NOT coffee. Strange. Could be related to the caffeine-withdrawal migraine I endured for THREE DAYS that made my body revolt and say 'Stop, no more!'. It was a miserable three days. And if I have essentially completed detox re: my coffee addiction, then it's a good thing. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the 12+ bottles of Torani Sugar Free Vanilla syrup in the garage. Vanilla Tea? Extra Vanilla-y Cokes?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Proposal

Today is the 16th anniversary of the day my wonderful husband J. asked me to be his wife. J. accomplished this feat as he does most things in his life - simply, straightforwardly and without a lot of fanfare. It wasn't by any stretch of the imagination a romantic proposal. No flowers. No music. No special surprises. It was all pretty expected, really. And that's OK. My husband is one of the sweetest, most kind, most reliable down to earth guys on the planet. He isn't complicated. He is a man of few words, but the words he chooses get the job done. So when he, over a sushi dinner at our favorite little Japanese place said simply 'There's something I've been meaning to ask you. Will you marry me?', I was surprised about the simplicity but knew he meant it. I said yes. Fast forward 16 years, 2 kids, a mortgage and life intervening, and we're still together and happy. Simple. That's the way we like it.

Happy anniversary, J. I love you!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

HighSchool

My 'baby' is starting high school today. I am overwhelmed with these feelings of 'stop'. Just stop. Don't grow up. Stay a kid. Stay with me forever. Of course, I don't mean that. There are plenty of times when I can't WAIT for the kids to be grown and gone. But my heart says 'stop'. I am already starting to miss them. In four years, I'll be sending B. off to college - and then two years after that, H. will leave. And their entire growing up time will be over in what will seem (and does seem) like a split second.

They don't need us as much anymore. No more boo-boos to make better. They do need us for allowance and transportation - but that's about it. Other than that, we are the 'parental units' and are pretty much a PITA for them. They love us - no doubt about that. I know they do. And we adore them. But they are growing up - something that can't be stopped. Nor should it be. I just wish I had known when they were small how fast it would go by. I would have taken more pictures. I would have played with them more.

B. survived his first day. He said he ate lunch on a bench near his locker. He was worried he would 'miss' his class so he stayed near to where he needed to be in case he was supposed to be there. Makes sense. Of course, as his mother, I think 'you can't eat lunch by yourself everyday. GO to the cafeteria. Make friends. Don't be a loner'. I'm actually fine with him being a loner. I just don't want him to be lonely. I see myself being interviewed years from now saying 'well, we thought he was normal until he started eating lunch by himself every day. That was the first sign'.

And need I remind you, good reader, it's only his FIRST DAY of high school. This is going to be a long year. I'll be exhausted from all my 'fretting' by the time he hits his senior year. College ought to be a real trip/treat.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Beginnings

B. (my oldest - 14 1/2) is starting high school next week. NEXT WEEK. When did this happen, people? Really - when?

I am realizing more and more everyday that now, my job as a mom is to LET GO. That's pretty hard to do - and REALLY hard to do 'cuz I tend to want to control things. I'm a big believer in thinking things through, several times; anticipating consequences and/or issues and thinking through how I'll handle them. B. is (I assume) a typical teen boy - he lives in the moment; frets about little (except his current obsession w/ anyplace we're eating out must have rootbeer as a beverage selection or he's not interested in eating there). I, on the other hand, am a worrier...and a long time, very skilled worrier at that. I don't sleep very well. Does that surprise you?

Anyway, B. went to his high school orientation this week. Alone. Like the campus I work at (community college), the students at his high school do the orientation for new students. B. didn't ask a lot of questions. Or pay attention to some obvious issues that needed to be asked. For example, Period 4 on the schedule is actually FOUR periods - 4A, early lunch, 4B, late lunch. Our dialog about this issue went something like this:

Me: So when is your lunch period and when is your class period?
B: Huh?
Me: There are two lunch times and two class times for period 4. So when is your class time and when is your lunch time?
B: They didn't talk about that.
Me: (perplexed 'cuz I'm reasonably sure they must have mentioned it) Hmmm. Guess we'll add that to the list of things we ask.

(J. called the school the next day and it turns out, they don't tell the kids which lunch or class period until the very first day when the figure out how many bodies are on which side of the campus at any given time. Amazing, isn't it?)

B.'s other keen observation about orientation was his amazement at waiting in line 2 1/2 hours to register for classes and get his class schedule. My response was 'get used to it'. (I work at a college and lines are a fact of life).

So, B.will be on his own in a school clear across town (unlike his grade school which is 2 blocks from our house). He will ride a school bus to and from most days -but during marching band (football season), we are still trying to figure out how to get him home. At the moment, he may walk the three blocks to the public library and study there until we can pick him up. Or, he'll catch a ride home w/ a fellow band mate or friend who's there for soccer. There's a lot of logistics still to work out. All will be solved when B. can drive - and I can't believe I'm about to say this - but I'll be glad when we can get him someway to get himself to and from. THEN, I'll REEEAALLLLYYYY have to work on letting go. Him behind the wheel of a moving vehicle is a very scary thought. He can't even put Nestle Quick powder in a glass without the powder (and often times the milk) getting everywhere. How's he going to DRIVE?

LET GO. LET GO. I just keep repeating that mantra and anticipate continuing that exercise for many, MANY years to come.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Boys

I have two sons, ages 14 & almost 12. Last night, we made dinner together - home-made cheese enchiladas, tostadas and chips. It was an adventure - and not just of the 'culinary' kind.

Boys are different. They don't have a lot of 'attention to detail' wired in their brain. B. puts cheese in the tortillas like he's doing the shot-put. A lot of style - and a lot of mess. Cheese EVERYWHERE - he aims for the dish and cheese ends up on the counter 2 ft away. Or on the floor. Crazy.

I turned H. loose w/ the pizza cutter to cut tortillas into chips. He asked 'do they have to be perfect' and my heart broke a bit as I thought 'he's asking that because you are always hard on them about how they do things'. I said 'no, chips are chips and any size/shape will do'. And then the little bugger proceeded to hand me the most perfectly sectioned triangular shaped chips I've ever seen. And he tosses them into the hot oil - with abandon and glee and 'helping'. While I think 'oh my God, please be careful - do you know how badly hot oil can burn you'? And of course they don't because I never let them near the stuff so how could they ever learn.

Parenting is hard. You want them to get hurt so they'll remember and be safe...but you want to protect them so badly that you'd throw yourself in front of train to spare them pain. But if they don't get 'burned' how will they learn to pay attention?

I haven't figured that out yet. I keep over-supervising. But I think we'll cook together more. I'll be grayer, sooner and will need to resist the urge to run screaming from the kitchen - but they will learn. And we'll do it together.

Last night, enchiladas. Soon, the world.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Intentions

I really intended to update regularly. I found myself 'writing' in my sleep - waking up and ruminating over what to post the next day. For someone who has insomnia pretty regularly, ruminating through the night about what to write the next day is not a good thing. It might be for some people, but not for me, who ranks sleeping as one of her top 5 things to do. Without sleep, I'm a wreck...so thinking about blogging when I should be sleeping is not a good thing.

But, I talked to K. yesterday (live and in person) and was reminded that I enjoy writing...and reading what's been written (to recall feelings of the moment)...and my hubby likes reading what I've written. So, I'm back.

I have been a long time (from the first issue) People magazine reader. Devoted, one might say. And when I was younger, I would 'dream' in writing. All my dreams were written. I had the 'People' format down pat - first paragraph gave the person's name, age and a brief summary of their story. Followed by the details. I dreamed stories all night - only no pictures - just words. The 'current' format for People isn't like this anymore - in fact, lately People magazine leaves me wanting more. The stories are too truncated - never enough details. The pages are filled with one page 'blurbs' instead of multi-page stories. I miss the 'old' days.

So, in the past couple months: our pool is finished. Our dog went completely blind (more on that in another post someday). My firstborn registered for high school (YIKES!). We've had flu, strep throat and various other ailments. It's rained A LOT. Our flowerbeds are full of Freesia, dianthus, petunias, and assorted other pretty flowers. We painted son #2s bedroom a really pretty, bright, sky blue. We've been busy, busy....as we always are.

Life is good.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Blessings

I go to bed smiling lately. Perhaps that's the norm for most people, but in my life, it has been the rarity that I drifted off to sleep feeling content, safe and happy.

We are blessed. I like to say 'I am blessed beyond all comprehension' as I drift off to sleep. Blessed with two great kids, a great spouse, wonderful home, good jobs, a happy, happy life. Truly, truly blessed.

I still have days when I have to remind myself of that. I still have moments when I forget to appreciate how wonderful my life is compared with others - and I have to shake myself up to get back to the state of happy.

No, all days are not perfect - no one's are. Mine border on good most of the time and sometimes, sublime. But lately, even an average day has me smiling as I fall asleep. Just a small upturn at the corners of my mouth that seems to be there more often than not. It's a nice feeling.

We bought some artwork for our house. We have had paintings 'in mind' for our livingroom since we moved into this house 4 years ago - and we finally found them. Bought 4 paintings on the spot, have ordered two more and are still looking. We have this gigantic 14 foot high wall in our livingroom - and it's got windows in odd places that sort of break the wall up into these strange areas that need something. Finally, we found it - artwork by Joy Broe. BEAUTIFUL...and so NOT my taste when we were first married - but now, we both just instantly fell in love with them and knew they were perfect for this space we've been pondering for years. And as we made the purchase and then ordered two more online last night, I was reminded yet again how lucky we really are. To be able to drop a serious chunk of change because we both loved something and wanted it - and not have to think about it at all - just did it. It shocks me still...really. I didn't grow up in a home that had 'plenty'. Money was a constant issue and source of stress during my childhood...there was never enough, yet my mom kept spending like there was. It was a strange way to live...and I grew up believing that everyone pays for everything with plastic. Not so, I learned later - after marrying Jim, the budget king. We do use credit cards - for the 'rewards' - but we pay them off in full every month - no exceptions. It's hard some months to bite the bullet, but we do. So here I am, able to pretty much buy what I need or want with no worries. See? Blessed.

J. says I'm the family money wizard. I am, now. But truly, I learned from him what a budget is and how to stick to it. The hardest part is putting it on paper - and it can be a shocking exercise. But once done, it leads to so much more 'freedom' - because we know how much we spend every month, and on what - so we know what's 'available'. I'd never understood that concept until I married J. I just paid my bills (ALWAYS ON TIME) and 'lived' on whatever was left. If 'whatever was left' wasn't enough, then I did what my mom had always done - charged it. But then J. changed all that for me.

This has always hit home for me:

You always have as much as you need,
but you never get as much as you want.
The wanting just gets in the way of enjoying what you have.

Wanting doesn't get in the way anymore...and that's the biggest blessing of all.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Sunshine

Yesterday, there was sun in Tracy - first time in weeks. Dani & I took advantage and did stuff outside for a good part of the day. She was thrilled to have the run of the backyard again and has learned the command 'wait' - she stops and waits patiently by the back door while I clean the dirt & mud off her paws before she goes back into the house. It was a pretty day. I'm already looking forward to Spring. We will have a lot of lawn stuff to do to get the backyard back in shape and redone post-pool.

J and the boys had a great time snowboarding - they arrived home in the 7:30PM range exhausted. This morning, I got the 'real' scoop from the kids about how they did. H caught some air (accidentally, he says) on a bump and ended up landing on his shoulder and hitting his head/face on the snow. B also got a 'bonk' on the head in a hard landing. Helmets will be purchased before the next trip to the snow. They are in complete agreement that perhaps some extra protection for their noggins is in order.

This morning, my lovely hubby brought me coffee and I said 'oh honey, you're so sweet - I'm going to blog this!'. That comment led to other comments like 'hmmmm, a blog job might be nice'. Aren't men great? Always thinking, aren't they? He makes me laugh a lot and I love him.

Tomorrow, it's back to work - start of a new semester. I hope to get there really early so I won't have to deal with the pre-8AM parking madness. Since I was out most of last week, there will be tons to do on top of the normal tons to do. It will be a busy, fast week.

Back again soon -

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head
I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world

Mad World - Gary Jules

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Alone

H is playing in a mid-season soccer league. This is a traveling league. At this very moment, J and the two boys (B decided to go 'cuz he heard it was fun - and was willing to get up at 5AM on a Saturday to accompany his brother and dad) are on their way to a small town about 2 hours from here. They will return after H plays two games - they'll be back around 2PM.

I find myself w/ most of a Saturday alone. Typically, this would result in me beaming from ear to ear. Today, it just feels lonely. AND, they're all going snowboarding tomorrow so I'll have more of the same. Glad it's a 3 day weekend and J promises they'll be home on Monday - when they will all inevitably make me crazy and I'll wonder why I didn't enjoy the quiet of the 2 previous days.

So it's me, the dog and the cats today. The dog is attempting to make friends with the cats and it's actually going well. It's only taken 3 years of having a dog in the house for the cats to even consider being in the same room with another 4-legged species. Now, they will remain in the same room together and interact a bit, until Dani (the dog - miniature dachshund) gets too friendly and does something that gets her bonked on the nose. (Cats are declawed, thankfully - and yes, we did try everything possible to avoid having to declaw them - but our brand new house's oak stair banisters were being thrashed and that was the final straw). So Dani and the cats have this little routine now. Dani 'dances' (weaves and moves forward and back ever so slightly) while Klink (the dominant brother of the pair of cats) sits regally watching. Then, they get nose to nose and Klink eventually decides 'enough' and then 'bonk' - Dani's back sitting on her haunches looking somewhat shocked. Shocked only - never deterred. She's back at her attempts at making friends sooner than you can blink. Snow (less dominant, shy, sweet brother of monster cat Klink) stays back watching. Thankful, probably for the first time in his life, that his brother Klink is a good protector. Every once in awhile, I'll hear the 'clomp clomp clomp' of a bunch of four-legged creatures running up the stairs, into every room upstairs. That's a signal that the cat's have REALLY had enough now and it's time for me to go get Dani and attempt to get her to stay downstairs for awhile and give the felines a break.

It's a(nother) gloomy day in the valley. Overcast, cold and dreary. Matches my mood. Hmmmm....maybe I need to go sit under the 'like sunlight' lamp I have for the bird to get some 'sun' and read a book. I think I'll give that a try.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Starting

How do you start a blog? and why would anyone want to? In my case, there's someone I don't see often and I like to keep them 'looped' in about my days. Hence, this blog. K, this is for you.

Work is OK - as I like to say 'that's why they call it work'. Not fun, but survivable. I won't elaborate 'cuz I don't want to be 'dooced' for writing about the thrilling days of working in higher education. It's an OK job with wonderful people. But, it's a job - and since I spend every waking hour wishing I didn't have to work (I know, who doesn't)....well 'nuf said, I guess.

Kids are good. Two kids - both boys. B is 13 (he'll be 14 in two weeks, which he'll remind you constantly if given the opportunity). H is 11. They are the loves of my life. The 'majah' of my blog title comes from H - that's what he calls me. He calls his dad 'fajah'. We like it. Hopefully, it will not offend anyone....I haven't checked yet to see if those terms mean something horrific in another language.

This has been an off week. Physically feeling unwell which leads to mentally feeling unwell. Difficult. The building I work in has been hit w/ the flu - three of us out so far, including my boss (and he's never sick) and another co-worker. We are all hacking and headachy and generally miserable - and I decided to take my misery home. Slept most of the afternoon away. Woke up in time to help kids w/ homework, help H bake cookies for a snack (he's my little Keebler elf, I tell you). Will write a bit now and then head back upstairs to the warmth of my down comforter and the TV remote.

B's upcoming birthday has started me feeling melancholy and old(er). I can't believe that little tiny baby is now a towering 5'8" tall, and a hunk to boot. What a dream he is. He was a gift from the minute he was conceived - a totally unexpected, shockingly wonderful gift. And he's turning FOURTEEN. YIKES. Where have those years gone?

When B was born, blogs didn't exist....or I guess they probably existed somewhere. I started to write B a letter that I added to sometimes. I'm sure I have it around somewhere. As I read the blogs of so many moms doing a wonderful job of chronicling their kids life, I wish I had done that for B (and H). So much to tell them and so many memories I wish I had written down. Hopefully, some of those memories will come out as I add to this blog.

Bye for now -

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick

March

I'm starting to think maybe I will just do a monthly post and call it what it is - whatever month we're in.  Here we are winding dow...