New Week Fresh Start

J. is attending his monthly golf meeting - which is a social thing as much as it is a meeting.  They have speakers, have a nice lunch, spend time talking golf.  He really enjoys the group!  

I've spent a good chunk of the morning doing a ton of little things that most people wouldn't notice, but I do.  Cleaned out the toaster - decrumbed all the parts as best I could.  Wiped out the cupboard where we store the toaster 'cuz it was pretty crumby, too.  Unloaded the dishwasher I ran first thing this morning - it's reloaded again (big pans from a spaghetti feast last night) and running.  Took a couple things out to the garage for the donation bin.  Grabbed a couple food items from the garage shelves to move them inside - so I don't forget we have them.  Mostly, we are trying to store food items in the pantry but when we've done a Costco shop stock up, some things hang out in the garage for a bit until we need them.  

Treated the cats to a small bit of moist food.  They gobble it up and when Nala's finished, Muf moves in to finish.  They'll be stuffed and happy and will likely curl up for a nice nap.  

I'm working on B.'s taxes - was really overwhelmed last night as I tried to figure out how to report the loss he took on cryptocurrency.  He is adventurous in his investing - and he's also really good at investing in things that grow.  Tesla for one.  Anyway...he did suffer a loss on crypto but that helped reduce what he owes from the stock sales he made throughout the year. Finally figured out what to do so I didn't ruminate about it all night - but I made J. nuts (I'm sure) 'cuz I was so over it last night.  

It all worked out.  I'm going to dig in and finish our taxes and B.'s in the next couple days.  

J. is heading to California this weekend - leaving Saturday and returning Sunday depending on weather - attending a concert with his best friend R. at Gallo Center in Modesto.  I've got a 'Ladies Weekend' at Atlantis - I'll be staying there Friday and Saturday nights.  Looking forward to a lot of play time.  And beer.  And free play.  Plan to cash in some comps for free play and see what happens.  Also thinking I'll venture to a neighboring casino to play for a bit.  I hear their Dragonlink Grands start at 20K!  I'd want to check that out!  

We still have snow on the ground (mostly in the back).  Skies are clear and bright and brilliantly sunny today.  I plan to go out and spend a bit of time tidying up - picking up stray debris and tidying the rock placement along the pathways. 

H. said he was planning to get a phone - he'd only be able to use it via a wifi connection for texts and calls but it would be something.  He never got back in touch so we don't know the status of that.  Never sure about anything.  Lather, rinse repeat ad infinitum.

Wind Out of My Sails

Before I headed to bed last night, I made a 'Saturday To Do List'.  There's always plenty to do and I'm trying to keep better track of what's what.  I promised myself I'd tackle the list after my morning coffee.

We heard from H. again this morning - and it sort of knocked all the mojo out of me.  We navigated as best we could.  I'm not going to get into specifics - which means when I re-read this days/weeks/months/years in the future, I won't remember what happened.  But I also feel 'constrained' around not necessarily airing all the dirty laundry on these pages.  

And it's highly possible we didn't handle it the way we should.  Or didn't handle it the way readers might think we should have handled it.  

I ponder what/if/when will we ever have any sort of trust back with him.  I'm pretty sure we won't.  But I'm not exactly sure how that will look and/or translate into the future.  Does a lack of any trust mean we will just never be in touch with him in any sort of 'regular' way?  I ask(ed) him things and he answered and then I say 'I don't believe you'.  Then I kick myself for saying that - because while I don't believe him, I'm not sure it's productive to keep reminding him of that.  So if I ask and he answers, I guess I have to 'accept' the answer while more than likely discounting it 1000%.  

It's a heck of a way to communicate with someone you gave birth to.  

Completely coincidentally, a dear friend sent me a Facebook message at 5:30 this morning.  (She is an early riser and I used to be but now I'm not).  The attachment didn't come through - so I messaged her - hoping everything was OK with her family.  She wrote back and sent me this.  

Letter From an Addict or Alcoholic 

If you love me, let me fall all by myself. Don’t try to spread a net out to catch me, don’t throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don’t have to feel it, don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break my fall, allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me. Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit….trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can’t see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me…the sooner you allow me to feel loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours…the sooner I will arrive, and on time, just right where I need to be. Me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead. Resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one. If I’m allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning, as I start to climb out, I just might slide back down, but don’t worry, I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out. Don’t you see?? Don’t you know?? You can’t decide this for me. I have the do it for myself. If you are always breaking the fall, how am I supposed to ever feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well? It is my burden to carry, not yours. I know you love me and that you mean well, and a lot of what you do is because you don’t know what to do. You act from your heart and not from the knowledge of what is best for me. But if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices, be they good or bad. Do not clip my wings before I can learn to fly. Nudge me out of your safety net, trust the process, and pray for me that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

Those words helped more than I can say - and that was before we heard from H. .  I keep waiting for him to help himself....but I'm pretty sure he's not going to do that.  Maybe never will do that.  No way to know.  

 Another favorite song has these words: 

If I was a painter, if I was brave

I'd hang up a canvas and give it a name

I'd call it 'The Future' and just leave it blank.

Contact

Waking up, reaching for my phone on the nightstand.  Seeing a text from a number I don't know.  'I love you'.  Just that.  Thinking it's some sort of phishing scheme.  

I open up the messages and see 'Hey mom' - then 'I love you'.  

And a missed call from the same number.  

It's H. .  Listened to his voicemail.  Hard to understand and/or hear.   "Hey mom it's me...I love you so much and I miss you guys so much and I hope to talk to you soon love you bye".  That's the gist.  He was emotional.  

I texted back and called back.  Left message.  

My phone is on silent and 'do not disturb' until 9AM so I never heard the phone ring.  Realized I missed another call from him while the phone was in my hand - but we finally connected.  

I'm not going to go into details about the call - mostly because it felt like a gobbly-gook mess of things.  I let him do most of the talking.  "Just better to not be in touch.  I was in a really bad place".  He realized we knew a lot more than he thought when he lied about something and I said 'stop, I know that's a lie'.  He seemed surprised.  (There's more detail but I'm skipping it).  

He talked about how he wanted to get out of Texas and go back 'home' (to California).  I asked him why he thought California would be best - mainly because he has friends there.  He has friends in Texas, too, I surmise but I suspect he feels there are more people in California willing to help him than currently in Texas.  

He never asked for anything.  Not money, not help.  So in some ways, that is a positive change.  He said his wallet and license were stolen along with his phone.  (I don't know when the phone was stolen - if it was one of the two phones he had from our cell account or still another phone?  No idea.  And didn't go there 'cuz what difference would nailing that down make?).  

It was great to hear from him.  But the cynic in me ponders if he thought 'after five months of ghosting them, they'll be ready and willing to do anything to help me'.  And that wasn't how it turned out.  We did contact Salvation Army Rehab program in Houston and sent information to H. about how to get treatment there.  First task is to get a new ID because they can't provide services to someone without identification.  And a new ID would also be required for him to get on a plane to California.  Maybe not required to buy a bus ticket - but we didn't offer to assist with any travel arrangements. 

Pretty sure that's not on H.'s list of things to do.  We provided 'help' in the form of 'help yourself and get set up to get there, find someone to take you and enter the program'.  Helping himself doesn't seem to be his way.  

One week later - I've kept this post in draft form for a while but realize February is quickly fleeting.  Appear to be back on H.'s 'no contact' list.  Not that we were expecting (or really even wanted) daily contact.  I know that might sound harsh and I don't mean it to - love is forever.  We are always here for him to talk to and hearing from him is always better than not hearing from him.  But truthfully, there's not much to say.  No point in going over the incredible list of tall tales he's told in the last year.  No reason to dissect every conversation.  Which makes frequent calls sort of 'um, what do we say'?  We would say the same things we said this past week - we love you, we care about you, we are always glad to hear from you, it is wonderful to hear your voice after such a long time.  All true.  Forever and always. 

In other news, B. is facing likely deployment to Europe - unless Putin stops threatening to invade Ukraine, it seems likely B. will be going.  That will be a long radio silence as they are prohibited from taking any electronic devices of any kind.  No phone, no computer, no radio.  Nothing.  We will correspond via letters like the days of Basic Training.  Coincidentally, it was 9 years ago around this time when he was in Basic Training - I just found some of those letters in a box of documents I was sorting through - re-reading them was wonderful.  

Days are busy doing whatever.  I slept in until close to 9AM this morning which means it's been an incredibly quick day.  We had to put the Adirondack chairs back where they belong after another windstorm blew them six feet and into the wrought iron fence.  And just as we came in from getting them re-situated looking up the hill, J. informed me there's another high wind storm heading our way.  Drat!  We're going to move them inside the garage for a few days.