Before I headed to bed last night, I made a 'Saturday To Do List'. There's always plenty to do and I'm trying to keep better track of what's what. I promised myself I'd tackle the list after my morning coffee.
We heard from H. again this morning - and it sort of knocked all the mojo out of me. We navigated as best we could. I'm not going to get into specifics - which means when I re-read this days/weeks/months/years in the future, I won't remember what happened. But I also feel 'constrained' around not necessarily airing all the dirty laundry on these pages.
And it's highly possible we didn't handle it the way we should. Or didn't handle it the way readers might think we should have handled it.
I ponder what/if/when will we ever have any sort of trust back with him. I'm pretty sure we won't. But I'm not exactly sure how that will look and/or translate into the future. Does a lack of any trust mean we will just never be in touch with him in any sort of 'regular' way? I ask(ed) him things and he answered and then I say 'I don't believe you'. Then I kick myself for saying that - because while I don't believe him, I'm not sure it's productive to keep reminding him of that. So if I ask and he answers, I guess I have to 'accept' the answer while more than likely discounting it 1000%.
It's a heck of a way to communicate with someone you gave birth to.
Completely coincidentally, a dear friend sent me a Facebook message at 5:30 this morning. (She is an early riser and I used to be but now I'm not). The attachment didn't come through - so I messaged her - hoping everything was OK with her family. She wrote back and sent me this.
Letter From an Addict or Alcoholic
If you love me, let me fall all by myself. Don’t try to spread a net out to catch me, don’t throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don’t have to feel it, don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break my fall, allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me. Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit….trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can’t see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me…the sooner you allow me to feel loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours…the sooner I will arrive, and on time, just right where I need to be. Me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead. Resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one. If I’m allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning, as I start to climb out, I just might slide back down, but don’t worry, I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out. Don’t you see?? Don’t you know?? You can’t decide this for me. I have the do it for myself. If you are always breaking the fall, how am I supposed to ever feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well? It is my burden to carry, not yours. I know you love me and that you mean well, and a lot of what you do is because you don’t know what to do. You act from your heart and not from the knowledge of what is best for me. But if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices, be they good or bad. Do not clip my wings before I can learn to fly. Nudge me out of your safety net, trust the process, and pray for me that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Those words helped more than I can say - and that was before we heard from H. . I keep waiting for him to help himself....but I'm pretty sure he's not going to do that. Maybe never will do that. No way to know.
Another favorite song has these words:
If I was a painter, if I was brave
I'd hang up a canvas and give it a name
I'd call it 'The Future' and just leave it blank.
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