Gut Punch

Most often, I feel pretty pragmatic about the situation with H. .  Accepting of what we know and glad we know all of it now vs. his stories.  Worried about him but not debilitated by the worry.  Remind myself frequently he's been living this way for over a year now and he's figured out how to make it.  

But having the contact we had in February sort of resets things in my brain and I replay the conversations over and over - and mostly beat myself up for what I did or didn't say.  I mostly just move past those thoughts but sometimes it feels like a stomach punch and I'm just lost for a few minutes.  Is he OK?  Does he know we love him?  Does he know we aren't helping him - not renting an apartment for him, not paying for him to 'get out of Texas' (which is what he says he wants to do) - because we can't keep doing things that enable him?  

Does he understand that all the lies he told us - for years and years - are now stark and in the open as we realize the skill he has in misrepresenting anything remotely resembling 'truth'?  

I've decided to make a chronological list of the things that happened in his 'childhood' and that list will remind me of all the shit we've been through.  The time he pretended to attend classes at a community college for a year - maintaining the illusion he was in school by needing to be driven to/from daily; the time he invited his drug dealer to stay in our home when we were on vacation and left him alone in the house - he told us the person who stayed with him was a friend who used to live in our neighborhood.  So many more things that happened and we just did our best to hold our shit together.  So many more things I could list but I won't.  Reading those things in this blog are a reminder that we were gullible, stupid, overly forgiving and clearly dumb about what it's like to have a heroin addict in the family. 

It's a rocky road, that's for sure.  

It's a fine line of wanting him to know we truly do care about him.  We love him.  He's our son.  Always and forever.  We offer options for where he could go when he's ready to change his life.  But....there is no relationship there anymore and I truly don't think there ever will be.  Pretty hard to move forward from everything - can't have any sort of meaningful relationship or contact with someone you completely do not trust.  Not one little bit.  

I cross that road in my head and heart all the time....preparing for the time he possibly shows up at our door looking for a roof over his head.  He won't be allowed to stay with us.  We would invite him in for a meal and using the facilities - but that's it.  And honestly?  I'm not sure what we'd talk about. 

 

Winning Weekend

The weekend stay at Atlantis was spectacular!  Friday's play included 3 Majors (one was a hand pay) and lots of other brave and bold wins.  

The first Major hit about 45 minutes after my arrival.  It was a great day!

The 2nd two and a half hours later.  

 

And the last Major on Friday was at 9:14PM and ended up being a hand pay - it was the 5th spin of 6 free games.  Grand total $1,545.

Saturday felt light a bit but something miraculous happened.  The place was mobbed that evening - something that really gave me pause because it turns out I am not all that 'ok' in a place with a ton of noise, constant motion and zillions of people everywhere.  I walked by a machine I played a lot a while back - Lock It Link.  When I sat down, there was a penny on the machine so I said 'Hi Mom & Dad, bring me some luck'.  They sure did.  I hit a bunch of huge line hits - $800+ gain on those and then I had six free spins (also epic) but the 5th one?  REALLY EPIC.  It was a not quite full screen of the highest paying symbol and was a $1,545 hand pay!  Nickel denomination.  The guy next to me said 'you just won $300ish!'.  I said 'well, I won a bit more than that 'cuz those are nickels'. 

 

I have a phone full of other amazing hits - it was a truly extraordinary weekend! First two hand pays of 2022! 

Subscription Everything

We are long time users of Yahoo Mail.  Using their mail platform allowed us to maintain our very old email addresses - with pacbell.net as the 'carrier'.  Anyone in California realizes just how far back that carrier goes.  

Beginning on the 1st of February, Yahoo Mail became a subscription service.  They aren't telling you that up front - you don't have to subscribe.  But apparently if you don't pay $5 a month, your email in-box will become essentially worthless as dozens of spam emails flood your box.  If you pay the fee, they will help assist you in 'unsubscribing' from various companies you're not interested in hearing from.  And hopefully leave spam in your spam box instead of sending it to your in box. 

We're starting to think we will subscribe and hope that eases the overload.  I'm not a 'do email daily' kind of gal - I do look at email daily and read any that I need to read.  But I delete massively when I'm sitting around waiting for someone or something vs. being an on top of it 'cleaning out daily' person.  But with the influx of spam it's almost impossible to wade through the in-box. It's maddening. 

So...something to ponder in a world of things to ponder. 

As each day passes, it seems less and less likely that B. will be deployed anywhere.  What is happening to Ukraine is so sad and tragic and there are a lot of US troops nearby - though not in Ukraine.  Maybe they've sent the troops they intend to send and B.'s company won't have to go.  We are still sort of in a holding pattern - which is much harder on B. than it is on me and J. and a gazillion times less hard for the three of us than it is for soldiers with wives and kids.  The massive logistics of knowing you are going to be out of the country for months - it's hard to contemplate.  I asked B. a week or so ago 'what will you do with your US Mail?'.  He said 'haven't even thought about that'.  

I'm excited about heading to Atlantis for a couple days.  J. has decided he will head to California tomorrow instead of waiting until Saturday - he thinks he can get to California between the two big storms.  I just tried to downsize my purse for the weekend - will see if I think it will work.  I always feel like I'm hunting through my massive purse for this or that and keeping things smaller would eliminate carrying stuff that I have 'just in case'.  But....the smaller purse is truly small.  Still pondering.  Which feels appropriate 'cuz it's my Winnie the Pooh Dooney & Bourke bag and Pooh ponders a lot, too.  

I took our neighbors six more lobsters this morning and then put what's left in our freezer in ziploc bags. Wiped out that side of the freezer with the alarm beeping to tell me over and over 'hey, the freezer is open'.  Right.  I know.  

Mufasa has been my shadow lately.  I had to come out to the kitchen at 2:30AM to get some Advil for a pounding headache.  She jumped up on the counter and was so excited for human company.  She seemed super disappointed when I headed back down the hall to my bedroom.  I'm not drinking anything 2-3 hours before I go to bed - but when you've consumed a pizza (super salty mozzarella), I was (apparently) pretty dehydrated.  Some water and Advil did the trick and I was back to sleep pretty quickly.  

Muf's been following me around all morning from room to room as I tidy, do the purse swap, throw some laundry in the washer, etc. .  She's a love bug.  So is Nala.  J. is Nala's human and I'm Muf's.