Saturday

I am attempting to be productive - in spite of a raging headache and an increasingly sore throat. Remnants of my cold? Lingering symptoms of the sinus infection? Not sure. But have been struggling today to 'do' what I need/want to do.

I have: cleaned the guest bathroom, done a load of laundry, scoured the kitchen sinks, taken out recycling, watered all the indoor and patio plants; soaked the bonsai trees for 10 minutes. Cleaned the pantry, which resulted in my baking a double batch of brownies and making sweet & salty Chex mix. Filled 3 paper grocery bags FULL of shred - which was from cleaning out files, etc. that required shredding vs. tossing in recycling. Emptied the recycling bin in our office three times from culling out junk mail that has accumulated this week - and newspapers, kids school papers, etc. Sorted through magazines. Clipped coupons. Made shopping lists for tomorrow's after church errand marathon.

I have a pile of work I brought home that I will work on a bit tomorrow. I was at a training class (my first of my 18 months of training for CBO's through CASBO) all day Friday so I feel 'behind'. Will hopefully 'catch up' a bit tomorrow. My trainer is on vacation this coming week so I have an entire week to 'myself' and a 'to do' list a mile long. The class gave me some good 'ideas' and plans of what to tackle next, so I will have plenty to do while she's away.

B. & H. are spending the night elsewhere - so we are alone. We usually would jump at the chance to go out for sushi or Thai food but I wasn't feeling that great, so we stayed home. AND H. had his 4H cooking class today and he made an AMAZING meatloaf. When he brought it home around 4PM, I ate it - it was a small 'mini loaf' and it was FANTASTIC. Just what I was craving, though I didn't realize it until I started to eat it. So that probably contributed more to me not feeling 'hungry' for dinner more than anything. It was GREAT. Will add ground beef to my list for tomorrow so he can help me make a meatloaf later this week.

I will be seeing some of my college friends this coming week - dinners 'over the hill' in Livermore Monday and Tuesday. Can't wait to see them. Also had dinner on Thursday evening with my friend J. - great to see her, too. We met at String's in Livermore - it felt 'strange' to see her in the evenings since we usually do lunch. But it was fun and as we always do, we just pick up where we left off last time we saw each other. Told her about my job, and appreciated her reminding me that I didn't actually like my college job the first months, either. So I can't really 'judge' how I feel about my new job this early in the game. At the moment, everything is 'foreign'. And I keep finding out that I'm 'responsible' for so many bizzare things - the most recent being having to read an electric meter at one of our campuses. This meter is a 'private' meter, on one portable building that we lease out to a daycare. And the meter hasn't been read for some time so then I'll get to create the 'bill' for the power and send it to the daycare. Lovely. Add THAT to my (incredibly growing) list of things I have to do. The doing isn't 'hard' and won't be difficult - but for the moment, EVERYTHING is hard and difficult 'cuz I don't know how to do most of it. I've never read an electric meter.

The CBO training identified that I am a 'learner'. I like the process of learning. So that's a good thing 'cuz that's pretty much what I'm doing all day, everyday. For now. Someday, I'll be the expert and I'll know and the job will be 'easier' 'cuz the learning will be over. I'm looking forward to that day. I know it will come - it did at the college, eventually, even though in the beginning, I was so sure I would never get some things - like the system, the procedures, etc. But I will. The CBO class also identified me as 'strategic' - and I thought that was surprising since I don't think of myself as 'strategic' - but it defined one of the traits as 'ability to identify patterns' and I AM very good at that. I've never been sure about how to describe how I learn and what I am 'good' at - but it is really finding and identifying 'patterns' in things. And then putting those patterns together into a cohesive understanding of what to do, when to do it and why. THAT'S what I do all the time - and it makes me VERY good at managing process environments. And it makes me very good at accomplishing tasks. AND it's a skill that can't be taught - I just have this 'thing' about putting all the pieces together and 'getting' it in a big picture kind of way. I was surprised it was called 'Strategic' in the analysis we did - but relieved to have a 'description' of what I do well. I've never been sure how to describe it. Well, I have described it as 'unlayering the onion' - and that's a good description. But it's more than that - it's taking the layers of the onion and recognizing how they relate to the other 'pieces' of things that I've unearthed.

I hope the unlayering of my new job starts to make sense soon. I don't like 'not knowing'. It's stressful and not a lot of fun.

Mornings

The other MAJOR change to my morning routine is now being acutely aware of just how 'close' to being late (missing the bus, rushing to get out of the house - so skipping breakfast, etc.) they are. J. is a great Dad (plenty of evidence in this blog to support that). But in the morning, he logs into his 'office' at precisely 6:30AM each morning. Rarely deviates from that. And then, gets his nose to the grindstone and sort of 'blocks out' everything else around him. Including that son #1 is not out of bed yet - and he's due at the bus stop in 20 minutes. Or son #2 is now getting out of bed and will (as is his preference) head STRAIGHT to the shower - which is fine IF son #1 has already showered. But leads to WWIII if son #1 isn't showered yet and happens to get up (FINALLY) and realizes he now CANNOT shower 'cuz his brother is in the shower. The fireworks that explode at this discovery happen EVERY TIME this scenario plays out in this house - and yet, J. is oblivious. He pays no attention to the 'symphony' that is the kids morning routine and therefore, fairly regularly, things are not progressing as well as they could/should.

Before my new job, I never knew any of this was going on. J. did the morning routine - I was out of the house before they were up, typically. But now, I AM HERE, in the house. And am alternating between wanting to rip people's heads off and wishing my wonderful husband would PAY MORE ATTENTION to details vs. leaving the house at my old 'commute' time and heading to Starbucks for a latte and to read the paper.

The boys are typical teenagers. They should set alarms and frequently don't. When they do set an alarm, they use their phones and just shut them off once the alarm sounds - which doesn't work. Family meetings have ensued and we have no solution. I try to 'encourage' J. to not officially log in to work until around 7ish - so he can pay more attention to the 'routine' commencing upstairs and try to choreograph the whole routine more effectively. But he's a man on a mission and with zillions of things to do - and like me, he just wants to get up and get to it.

It never 'bothered' me before because I wasn't IN THE HOUSE to experience the chaos every morning. Now that I am, I have to 'adjust' my morning to accomodate their quirks. I am now attempting to 'plan' the scenario every morning - which son is up, which son should be up, who has or hasn't showered yet. It's quite an orchestration. Next year will be even more complicated, 'cuz H. will be going to high school and either B. will be driving them both (scary thought - not the driving part - just the two of them 'relying' on each other to stick to a schedule) or one will be driving while one rides the bus. H. will need to get to school or the bus stop almost an hour ahead of his current schedule. THAT is pretty scary.

I am investing in two really good alarm clocks. Preferably with ALARMS - vs. radio. B. listens to the radio most evenings as he falls asleep so radio doesn't really wake him up. And we will implement a schedule - and encourage H. to shower the night before, which is what he really prefers anyway.

The morning routine is new for so many reasons. I'm glad I'm home more now, though I wish I was more immune to trying to 'control' the routine. I'll have to work on that, I guess.

New Year

The new job is progressing. It is not my old job, which I find myself reminding me of several times each day. I miss the 'old' job - but I think it's the people I miss, more than the job. The new job is good and the people are nice - but I don't think it will measure up to the old job in terms of building relationships.

I LOVE being home 3 minutes after I leave the office and LOVE getting TO my office 3 minutes after leaving home. It has required an 'adjustment' to my morning routine - my hair won't dry on the way to work anymore so it has to dry before. I still get up at about the same time, since doing my makeup before I leave the house is now also required. It's an adjustment. Thankfully, once I get to my office, the day flies by. I'm pretty busy and that's good. Don't like days dragging as sometimes happen when you're 'new'.

The kids are loving having me 'home' more - and so are the dogs. I've even managed to come home for lunch a couple days, which is mega-nice. The ability to run a load of dishes or laundry and do a few household chores mid-day is a HUGE treat. LOVE IT.

And I also love that we've filled up the van twice in the past 3 weeks - and we only had to do that because J. took the boys snowboarding and I drove to our county office of education a couple times (reimbursable). A tank of gas lasts a LONG time now and that is very cool.

B. will turn 16 this week - which I can't believe. We'll do the traditional IHOP dinner (seriously, it's the place they always pick for their birthdays). We have a few gifts and a big reminder that he already got his MAIN b-day gift - new snowboard pants and jacket. BIG present that he couldn't wait for. It will be a fun day and he's excited to be officially 16. He turns 16 first in his group of friends. He was planning to have a paintball party - but his friend C. broke his pelvis in two places last weekend (snowboarding with B., I might add. Thankfully, he was able to get down the hill and home without an ambulance or airlift - but a visit to his Dr. the next day confirmed two fractures. Not good, since C. is an athlete extraordinaire - his competitive soccer and baseball season are over...and snowboarding is DONE for the forseeable future). So since C. can't paintball, B. is just planning a movie/dinner/sleepover for him and a few friends. We'll plan that for a couple weeks from now.

Winter is strange this year - no rain or moisture in the air...just INCREDIBLY cold. Several plants have frozen out back and are looking bad. We pruned today and hope they 'come back' in the Spring. The Livermore and Tri-Valley hills have been dusted with snow, which I only know by reading the paper now, since I don't drive out that way much. It's crystal clear and very cold. B. went to Dodge Ridge on the snow bus yesterday and said there is very little snow - sad for the resorts who are struggling to make it this season.

We rang in the New Year at a party and had SO MUCH FUN. We don't get out much, so the party was a huge treat for us. The kids were invited too - and we all had a ball. We played darts, pool, basketball, Jenga and ping-pong on teams. It was a blast - good food, good friends and plenty of champagne. It's the first time in a LONG TIME I was actually awake for the midnight kiss and J. was so happy about that. We are hoping this party will become a tradition 'cuz it was a lot of fun.

Hope your New Year is joyful and blessed!

Self

A family member who will remain nameless (s/he knows who I am referring to) said I am incredibly selfish. The words used to convey their opinion were unusually cruel - for us 'regular' folks. For this person, it was just another exhibition of being unable to communicate productively regarding anything they don't agree with. They are known for it. It is something many family members have experienced periodically over many years. We're 'used' to it. And yet, this time, it is not 'just another' time. This is the final time. I am done. This person is no longer in my 'circle' of people I will make efforts to be in touch with. And according to this person, I've made few efforts anyway, so it won't be anything 'new' to them that I have decided to take this approach.

At first, I really did feel sorry for being selfish. Sorry they felt that way. My instinct was to make it right. But then, I had some time to think it over. And I started to feel really, really GOOD that they think I'm perhaps the most selfish, most self-centered person they know. Because honestly, I've had to learn to be selfish. Learn to think about my well being and my needs before anyone else's. I didn't do that for a huge chunk of my life. And I was very, VERY unhappy for huge chunks/most of my life. Painfully insecure. Shy. Avoided not only confrontation but contact with people. And when I got married and had kids, I started to change. With the help of the previously mentioned K. I've LEARNED to be selfish. AND VERY self-centered. As in 'centering on taking care of myself' first - which makes me better at taking care of and being there for the many other important people in my life - my husband, my kids and my employer - in that order. I'm pretty proud that it's apparently becoming a 'habit' to think of my needs over someone else's. I've worked really hard to be strong enough - and to care about myself ENOUGH - to do that. So the past few days, I've been smiling about it all. Glad that it's a habit that's become as natural as breathing to me. I DON'T put other people's desires, wants or needs ahead of my own. I take care of me first and the rest comes naturally. I don't spend time 'building' un-buildable, un-sustainable relationships. It isn't worth it.

Now, this person is family. And family is very important. I love this person with all my heart. But every conversation is strained. Filled with unspoken things. There is no way to convey any opinions. Any true expression of feeling or emotions or anything that may even be slightly be perceived as judgment or criticism is met with vile, foul tone and angry, hurtful words. (And they wonder why I don't make an effort to call more?). They don't want to communicate by email - they want to be on the phone. And I've finally come to the conclusion that the reason they want that is because over the phone, there's no 'proof'. No evidence. The person can go 'off' on whatever they want to, spew whatever words they choose and the person on the other end of the phone is just left scratching their head trying to figure out where it all comes from. But when it's in writing, it's obvious just how sad this person really is (using sad in the observational way - this person IS very sad in many ways but they don't acknowledge that, either). There's no denying it. You can read the email over and over and over and still end up scratching your head - only now you SEE it in black and white. It's there in all it's sad, clearly messed up print. No denying that.

On many occasions, I have gently suggested to this family member that having an arbitrary third party to talk to might not be a bad idea. But like my mom, this individual steadfastly refuses. And any attempts at suggesting it just add to the layers of anger and accusations that 'you think I'm crazy'. No, I don't think that. I don't. But anyone reading the email would agree that there are obviously some 'anger' issues that could be dealt with. Notice I didn't say 'need' to be dealt with ....because there's no need here. This person can (and most likely will) stay completely and totally right where they are and where they have been and are emotionally for the rest of their life. But they could work on some of the things that piss them off. Instead of presuming that it's everyone else's issues that are making them so upset. Which is trying to change or control everyone around them instead of realizing that they are the only person they can actually control or change. And then they lash out, over-react and say things they can't take back and other people won't forget - and drive people away. And then they wonder why people aren't speaking to them or don't make more effort to stay in touch with them.

It has been a difficult few days while I thought all this through and came to the conclusion that I won't be trying to 'fix' this relationship anymore. My sons will be encouraged to maintain whatever contact they'd like with this person and I will be very supportive of their relationship. And I'll be cordial to this person when I see them and if I talk to them. I would give a kidney, donate blood, bone marrow or anything else I can spare if they ever need it and drop everything and be there for them in any kind of crisis - medical, personal or otherwise. But I'm sure that for me, the best 'approach' about how to fix this most recent 'blow-up' is to not. And as this person will tell you, it is all about me. All Majah, all the time. And I'm fine with that. And I'm fine with the fact that they aren't.