Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Eclipse!

Observations:

  • I refreshed my memory on why I don't go to movies on the day they open. Most especially don't go to the Twilight movies on the day they open - I was surrounded by giggly, whispering/talking out loud, then giggling some more teenage girls. Made me nuts.
  • It was also crowded. People surrounding me. I don't like being surrounded. I liked it when it when I saw Sex and the City 2 and there were 5 people in the theater.
  • I was there plenty early so I had a great seat - right in the middle of the theater. When there were still plenty of seats open - PLENTY! - a lady came and sat right next to me. Empty seats all around where she could have sat with no one next to her (at that time). She sat there for a few minutes. Then she sat up really straight on the edge of her seat. Fidgeted a lot. I held my ground. She got up and moved. I think she was trying to get me to move so she could have that prime seat in a prime row.
  • Given bullet #1 above, I possibly should have relinquished my seat - then she would have been surrounded by teenage girls.
  • Didn't matter - she was surrounded where she was, too - they were everywhere.
  • I don't get the whole Team Edward or Team Jacob thing. I love them both. Why do we have to choose?
  • It was awesome!
I am officially on vacation until July 19th! Unless you count the 2 meetings I booked on July 12th - 'cuz there are things that need to get done and I can't wait that extra week to check in on how things are progressing. Oh well.

I leave for Vegas on Sunday.

And H. comes home on Saturday!! Can't wait to have him home!! We've missed him!!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Short Circuit

Thankfully, the laptop is being repaired. It wasn't a failed/crashed hard drive after all - it was a failed operating system. They think it was a virus. I think it was a software we use to clean the registry - which I will not be using anymore. It will hopefully be back on my desk later today...which is good 'cuz I'm having a heck of a time typing on J.'s keyboard. (Thanks, my sweet, for giving me so much time on the computer in your corner of the world - my Farmville farm thanks you, too).

Our time with H. yesterday has left me feeling hugely 'unsettled'. I think if we asked him, he would say the same thing. It's a lot to take in for a 17 year old - knowing that we enter the Intensive Outpatient (IOP) the minute he leaves the residential program next week. Three nights a week in Oakland. Plus attending AA meetings (which he knows he needs and thinks is critical to his successful recovery - finding that community of young people all working hard at not using whatever their chosen 'medicine' is). Plus school starting soon - new school, new format, etc. Plus attempting to have some social life - the few friends he will have contact with are still hugely important to him - one in particular who is (apparently) his girlfriend again. Which is fine with us....pretty much. More on that later...probably.

He apparently had a 'melt down' of sorts on Friday night - getting himself hugely stressed out and overwhelmed and panicked about all the 'things' he felt he would have to immediately 'do' upon his discharge. Stay sober (sober is the word we use for 'not using' - it's more familiar in the context of drinking - but it's a recovery word for staying on the program and not using whatever your medicine of choice has been). Get a job. Complete his 50 hours of community service (to resolve his traffic tickets). Go to AA meetings. Go to IOP meetings (3 hours each evening M-W, plus travel time to/from). Start school. And somewhere in there, wedge in time to see the previously mentioned young lady - who at the moment, is the primary person he wants/needs to see. He was concerned because when he phoned that evening, he wanted to discuss what the 'plan' was for IOP - and that wasn't a conversation I felt comfortable having with just him...over the phone. He was jockeying for a 'once a week' program - which we've been counseled against by the people we consider experts. And I wasn't willing to 'go there' with him on the phone. And he hung up the phone and quickly spiraled into some kind of 'melt down'. Hence us being 'summoned' to a counseling appointment early.

We took the time yesterday to really discuss the big 'elephant in the room' - the 'what if's' of a 'relapse'. And to his credit, when the counselor tried to set the parameters for what the consequences would be if there was a 'relapse', when he (the counselor) tried to acknowledge that it would happen and we should be prepared for what restrictions would be in place should/when it happened, H. was the first to shake his head 'no'. Meaning 'no, we're not going to set up consequences for that - no small consequences'. Setting up small consequences in advance make it too easy for him to relapse - if he knows that we 'accept' a relapse and will only ground him for a week, he'll know that the consequences are so small - and it won't incent him to stay clean. And so, I said what needed to be said - should he relapse, he will be enrolling in the January session of a military academy we've located. And then we talked through what we would do before that - since it would be months before he can attend that school (we missed the fall registration deadline last Spring by 11 days. The application deadline was May 15th - and that deadline had been on our radar (all of us) for many, many months. 11 days after that deadline, we found out the depths H. had gone to in the preceding 4 months - and realized we had a big problem) we confirmed that in the event he relapses before he can attend the January session of that school, we would agree to pay out of pocket and return him to his current residential program - for as many months as we need to.

This decision wasn't made lightly - it will involve cashing in a chunk of retirement savings to make it happen. It will be for a period of months rather than days. But having said that - having acknowledged to him that we are not willing to return to the environment we've been living in - where he manipulates and lies and bullies us into getting what he wants, when he wants it - he knows. He realizes that this time of having him away has solidified us into a united front that will protect our serenity at his expense. It isn't that we don't love him - or that we're looking for a reason to ship him out - but if he creates that reason, as he has for close to a year - then we won't hesitate to let our self-protection mode kick in full force and we'll make our peaceful home our highest priority. And he won't be in it. Money isn't everything. Good thing I enjoy what I do for a living 'cuz if this plan plays out, I will be working into my 70's to help offset the hit our retirement savings will take. Oh well. It's only money.

From the time H. was a little guy - an infant - he was easily overwhelmed. I remember many times when the he just melted down - and was inconsolable and hysterical for long stretches of time. The first time I remember was on a road trip - he was probably less than six months old. We had stopped to eat at a restaurant and were inside. And H. just 'hit a wall' - he had had enough - enough car seat. Enough 'sitting'. He was tired - but hadn't slept. He could not shut down and sleep. And he screamed and screamed and screamed. Thankfully, by this point in his babyhood, I knew him. I knew that he was exhausted and needed help to 'shut down'. I knew that he would literally scream for a very long time and there wasn't anything I could do about it - he would not eat; would not calm being held. So I walked with him outside and walked around with him -while he screamed. We walked and walked and walked - and finally, he just exhausted himself crying and he went to sleep.

This scenario happened over and over in his babyhood/toddler hood. We learned to 'see it coming' a bit - but there was never much we could do. Just know that we would help him as best we could - and let him work it out. Usually by crying. A lot.

I think this overwhelmed-ness has continued into his current teenage years - and he's learned to self soothe by just tamping down all those raw emotions. He just shuts down and buries it all - and when he can't cope anymore, he's been reaching for something that helps him feel 'better'. Or feel 'good'. And we didn't notice. We didn't realize that he was burying all this 'stuff' - just normal teenage stuff - with a substance. Sure, we saw his grades were abysmal. And we saw (and uncovered) what was happening in December. And then we believed him when he said he had stopped. And he lied. He hadn't. In fact, he'd been using more and more and more - an 'insane amount' (his words).

Our challenge with him now is to get him to 'talk' about all that stuff instead of tamping it down. It seems pretty simple and 'easy'. But he still goes for the 'easy' approach - he says nothing. Except, at least yesterday, you can see the tears streaming down his cheeks as he muddles through emotions he's afraid to talk about. At least there are tears now - so we can see something isn't right and try our hardest to help him speak about what he's feeling. That's really hard for a teenager - and especially hard for a boy. It's a skill he is having to learn -

The counselor asked both H. and I what we could have done differently in the phone conversation we had to have helped H. avoid the meltdown he had. And I had one simple question for H. : did you tell me that you were upset about how I didn't want to talk any further on the phone about what the IOP plan was? And his answer was: 'no, I didn't'. And that's the crux for me: if personal responsibility is what he needs to learn, then he has to also learn it regarding getting what he needs. On the phone, I couldn't see his distress. I couldn't see the mounting tears in his eyes. And I acknowledged that I really didn't want to get into that conversation with him - because I knew that he was still lobbying strongly for 'once a week' and the reality was confirmed at '3 times per week'. And I didn't want to get into that with him 'alone' - without his counselor and J. there to assist. I told H. 'because our past pattern of communicating has made me cautious about going there with you - about talking to you about something that is the exact opposite of what you have decided YOU want. Those conversations rarely end well - they usually end with me feeling manipulated and bullied and you ending up getting what you want - even when I know it's not the 'right' thing for you. I just get too tired of the constant negotiations to keep going there'.

We left the counselors office and had an hour class (parents only) of just how kids are wired to think that literally everything in their lives is a 'now' decision/need. It's all 'now' for them. They don't see the 'future' as anything tangible - so they can't grasp that some things - most things, really - are not 'now' kinds of things. 'Now' things are things that involve immediate danger. Like 'there's a fire in the building and we have to get everyone out NOW'. Kids get totally wrapped in the 'now-ness' of virtually everything. They need a particular hair gel NOW and we have to get it for them NOW or their lives will be ruined FOREVER - NOW. They operate in that mode constantly - and it takes a lot of parental effort to learn how to circumvent that particular skill they have at making everything seem a 'NOW'. When it's rarely every truly a NOW. We have a lot to learn about that....about holding our ground. About agreeing to terminate a conversation and wait it out - not make hasty responses because the hasty response is easier.

After the class, we visited with H. for two hours....and we tried to work through some of the 'agreements' we need to have in place for his return home. And one of the primary issues stems around the frequency of the visits to the girlfriend. I said 'twice a week at her house' - but she can come over to our house whenever she'd like as often as she'd like. And that 'decision' created an immediate, strong reaction from H. - that twice a week is not 'enough' and why would we make it a finite number and ....on and on and on. And once again, I was immediately 'back' to where we were six months ago - where he lobbied in much the same way and just as strongly for time with his 'best friend' - the same friend it turns out he was using with 'an insane amount' virtually every time he went over there. I asked H. 'so what were you thinking in terms of frequency'. And he said 'well, maybe two or three'. So I said the obvious: 'so I'm saying two - and you say two or three - why are you so upset about the difference of one. I just don't get it, H.'. And he then proceeds to manipulate (my opinion): 'it's just that I'm going to be doing so many new things - meetings and IOP and new school - and I want to be able to see her when I can wedge in seeing her - and not have to decline an invitation to visit her house because my 'twice per week' is done for the week'.

And that's the crux of the issue: he wants what he wants, when he wants it. And I am sick and tired of the constant negotiations and manipulation.

So how we left it this: I won't place a limit on the frequency. It can be whatever it may be - but with this one caveat. Sometimes, we will just say 'no'. And that's our prerogative as parents - we can say 'no' because we choose to say 'no' and we are not required to give a reason. If he wants no 'limit', then we have the right to parental 'no's' and he is not to give us any grief about those 'no's'. He complained about them the first couple weeks he was in rehab - how we just say 'no' with no reason given - and our response then (and now) is: we are your parents and sometimes, we will say 'no'. Period. End of discussion.

He agreed. If you call agreeing begrudgingly realizing that he was 'screwed' either way.

So he feels unsettled. And I feel unsettled.

And he is now ocean kayaking for an overnight stay on a boat in the bay area somewhere and we won't talk to him again until tomorrow evening. They are on 'summer break' the past few weeks - and he's been able to do some pretty fun things (fun being a relative term when you are in a rehab facility). They've gone to Great America, to Travis Air Force Base, to an observatory, to the movies a couple times, swimming. They try to take the boys on an 'adventure' every few days and it's been nice for H. to be there during this time....if he has to be confined, at least he's not sitting in a classroom for hours (though Lord knows that wouldn't hurt him a bit).

H. will be home this time next week. I will be leaving for Vegas a week from today. I'm going to agree to let H. and J. work out whatever needs to be worked out that first week - with the caveat that whatever happens that first week may not be what happens when I'm back. I agree to not interfere with what's decided when I'm not home to partake in the decision process - but once I'm back, my 'voice' is back so we will re-discuss what needs to happen, day by day.

H. said they say a lot 'just for today'. Trying to remind themselves that it's just one day to negotiate - one day at a time. So we're going to work hard at looking at things as 'just for today'. Decisions are not 'forever'. They can change and merge and fluctuate - and any decision made is 'just for today'. Just for this day - this moment. They are not 'forever' things. If he's not able to visit his girlfriend today, it's 'just for today'. Tomorrow is a different day - a new day. And we'll take that day when it gets here.

That's the only NOW we will deal with - just for today.

Today is sunny and warm and my hubby and I are determined to jump in the pool at some point today.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Black Screen

My laptop is dead. As in doornail dead. Blue screen of death....followed oh so instantly by the black screen of nothingness. I rushed it straight to the computer repair guy and pretty much begged him to at least do everything humanly possible to recover my Microsoft Money file off the dead hard drive. Praying he can do more than that....and will pay whatever it takes.

I'm on J.'s computer - which is a desk top computer. I'm not used to this keyboard - the word 'used' was initially typed as 'sued' and then I realized my fingers weren't tapping correctly and fixed it. It's going to be a few days full of typos, friends.

I've been saying for months that I need one computer for the games I play and another for 'business' - Internet, banking, etc. I may get my wish....

I feel unhinged without that laptop....maybe I have a 'dependency' problem of my own to deal with.

I finally went to see Sex and the City 2 yesterday and while I didn't love it as much as the first movie, it was OK. The reviews are accurate: the story line is weak (non-existent sort of) but then again, it is really about the 'continuation' of the story of the girls and their lives and that in itself IS the story....so it was OK. A little bit 'odd' in the whole 'Middle East' venue - but it made for some interesting moments. Glad I went alone. B. actually said that if he hadn't been working yesterday, he would have accompanied me - and I think there were a lot of scenes that would have been hugely uncomfortable to be watching on the big screen with my teenage son in the seat next to me. So glad I went solo.

We are heading out to see H. soon - our counselor just called and he had a 1PM cancellation - so now we can be there an hour earlier and spend an hour talking through 'the plan' for H.'s discharge next week. There's a lot to discuss.....

My corner of the office looks naked without my silver laptop on the desk. I'm heading back over there now to continue to massive re-org I've been working on for several days. I've done a ton of shredding, a ton of recycling and massive filing, etc. It's improving....slowly. Paper is my nemesis.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Smart Meter

Since I am/was home alone - B. arrived home around noon after camping with friends for a few days - I had to bring the yard waste and trash bins up and back into the side yard. They didn't pick up the yard clippings bin 'cuz someone (who will remain nameless but is in North Carolina right now - it was either him or the gardener) put a plastic bag (from compost or mulch or something) in the waste bin with the clippings. Since yard waste goes out to the bio fuel plant to be mulched to bits and sold as yard mulch (or burned for energy), they won't empty a bin that has plastic in it. That's my theory. Either that, or it's another budget reduction the city has implemented to cut down on expenses. It's possible......

OK - back to my point - as I was bringing the bins up to the side yard, I passed our PG&E meters and noticed we finally have the new 'smart meter' for electricity. We received a notice quite awhile ago and noticed the gas meter was replaced with the 'digital' smart meter - but not the electric meter. It's finally here. I just looked at last month's bill and it was swapped out the first of May - but as reported here, this past month or two has been a whirlwind and I didn't notice the new meter until today.

The great thing about it is: it's very easy to read. I know exactly how much power we're 'drawing' at any moment. I know what our meter reading was last month and what it is today - so I was just able to roughly sketch out what our expenses will be. The meter will be 'read' (via the Internet, I think - no more 'meter readers') in a few days - so I sort of have an idea how we're doing.

A friend went through a divorce recently - and she shared how she and her kids cut their electric bill by about $100 per month just by unplugging things that weren't being used. Even when something isn't 'on', it' s still drawing power. So along that line of thinking, I've been unplugging the espresso machine and the milk frother after I use them. Unplugging things in H.'s room while he's away. Unplugging other little things that we aren't using. Not sure it's helping - but I can literally plug them in, go look, unplug them, go look and know exactly how much extra power we're using to keep things plugged in we don't need to have plugged in all day, everyday.

There's been a fair amount of controversy about the smart meters. Many people claim their power bills have absolutely sky-rocketed since the new meters have been installed. My theory is that for older homes, that's probably true - it's not a defective new meter. It was an older defective meter that was not measuring usage correctly. Now that the older home is updated with a new meter, the power usage is being measured more accurately - which is why PG&E did it. Not only are they saving the costs of the 'meter readers' they don't need anymore, they are also more accurately measuring the usage of thousands and thousands of homes who haven't been metered correctly in a long time.

I was nervous about the new meter - but I just did a rough estimate of our bill this month and it's what I would expect. We haven't run the A/C all that much - mainly at night for a few hours when we first go to bed - but we have been using the ceiling fans and floor fans more. So it's higher than last month but still well within the 'low' range of a summer power bill. I suspect we're going to have a freakishly hot September/October since May and June have been so incredibly 'mild'.

It's back down to 80 degrees outside - a nice breeze (really close to gale force wind) just kicked up so it's cooling off even more - YEAH!

And I'll be getting a lot of exercise running back and forth to the meter to calculate 'usage' of A/C, etc.

Next, I'll master the gas meter and figure out how much it costs to run the (gas) dryer. I see a clothes line in our future! We really WILL be the greenest house on the block - recycles everything possible; composts; two hybrid cars AND a mom obsessed with learning to read her own power meters!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Intensive

I compose posts in my head throughout the hectic craziness of my week...and here I am, home alone, 1/2 a day into a few days off - and I can't think of anything to write.

Wait - that's not true. I can think of plenty of things - just not anything I have the energy to write at the moment.

I don't want this to be an 'addiction recovery' blog....so much of what surrounds us these days revolves around H. and his treatment and his 'recovery'. He's coming home in just a week - when I mentioned this to a co-worker/friend today, he startled - said 'already'? And we 'did the math' together and yes, in fact, it has been 30 days a week from this Saturday and he is leaving the inpatient facility and coming home.

The intensive out patient (IOP for short) begins the following Tuesday - Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday evenings from 5PM - 8PM. I'm not sure how exactly we're going to wedge that in - with 1.5 hours travel each way on top of the time we're there - but we're going to. The other options are further east of us - about the same # of miles just the opposite direction. And at least if we stay in Oakland, J. will only be about 30 minutes away via BART. If we try any other program out this way, he'll be taking 1.75 hours to get here (home) and then another hour to get to the meetings...so that truly won't work. Unless he could go part time for awhile - and he can't. Nor can I.

I'll be spending time on the phone tomorrow calling around a couple other possibilities - but they don't look promising. Adolescent treatment is very different from adult treatment - and that makes finding a comparable program (comparable to what he's had in his 30 day in patient) a challenge.

Recovery is a family deal. I get that. I'm not sure I really understood that until we were in the thick of it this past month - but now, I do. It's for ALL of us - not just H. And it is as emotionally draining and exhausting as I ever imagined - maybe more so, even.

It's going 'well'. But 30 days is very, very short - and we are reminded of that on a regular basis. H. is engaged and learning and wants to stay clean. I believe that. I'm just not convinced he will be able to - and his imminent return to our home is really bringing that home for me tonight...sitting here in the house alone. We are in for a very long haul with him - and I'm sort of hoping I'm 'up' for it.

I tend to be a very black and white person in many ways. I see gray very well - I know gray exists. I spend a good portion of my life discerning levels of gray and deciding what shade is appropriate and acceptable vs. not. I coach people all day on acceptable levels of gray vs. not gray. So it's not that I can't see gray - I can. But with H., I see no gray. He will stay clean or he won't. And if he doesn't/won't, then we'll have to really decide what other options we have - 'cuz I know myself. I'm not going to be on this journey with him forever. It's not that I don't want him to be successful and won't do everything I can to help him be successful. We're signing on to adjust our work and life schedules to accommodate driving 55 miles each way three times a week to help and support him. And I'll do that - for as long as it helps. But if he uses again - if he makes the choice to throw out all he's learned; to forget how desperately he wanted to quit (he wanted to go to rehab - he was not forced - he wants to be there); to choose getting high with friends vs. sticking with the program he's been immersed in for 30 days and will be immersed in weekly - then I know myself. My 'black and white' gene will kick in full force - and I'm not sure what I will be able to 'handle'.

There are parents we've met who's children are at the treatment center H. is at because their child was in trouble and they told the court system they couldn't control him anymore - so the child was placed in a group home and is living at the facility undergoing drug counseling. There are parents who's kids are there as a condition of probation - or as their 'sentence' for various issues with the law. We aren't there yet - and I'm grateful we aren't. But it really has me struggling with 'what if'. What if my black and white kicks in - what are we going to do with him?

I have missed him the past few weeks - but truthfully, our home has been peaceful. The stress of dealing with an addict every day is gone. No constant bargaining, negotiating, arguing. No constant vigilance about every little thing. No walking on eggshells 'cuz you're too tired to want to deal with him and don't want to risk something flaring up. Our eagerness to accept and believe what he says is gone - there is no trust. There won't be trust for a very, very long time. He knows that. Still, he pushes. It's his nature. It's the nature of an addict.

In our group family counseling session last night (multiple families with the parents and kids attending together), the kids (addicts) want their parents to trust them again. The parents want their kids to stop using. It's all pretty simple. They want trust - we want them to not use. And that dynamic plays out over and over and over. They attempt to negotiate the 'terms of their release'. We (especially the moms 'cuz it's just in our blood) want to protect them and keep them close and limit their freedom so they won't use. But the truth is: they will use if they choose to use. We can't keep them locked up. We can't keep them in a bubble. And their opportunity to find their 'medicine' - or find something that will become their 'new' medicine - is far greater than our abilities as parents to keep them from finding it. Or keep them from using. It's really up to them -

The same friend who 'startled' at the realization that the month of H.'s in patient stay is almost over also startled to my comment 'we can't control him. He will choose to use or not use - and there's not much we can do about that. He has to decide'. He said 'I can't fathom that - and then, I realize that my son is 5 years old and I DO control virtually every part of his life - so I can't imagine how it will be to not do that'. I said 'he will grow up. He will realize that you didn't hang the moon and the stars and he'll realize he is his own person. He has free will. And there's not much you can do about the choices he makes when he's out there living his life on his own. '

I told my cousin S. on Facebook chat the other day 'I'm not going to be on this treadmill we've been on, running along happily doing the best we can for him and for us - and he walks by and pulls the plug out of the wall randomly so we go skidding across the floor - over and over and over." She typed back 'LOL - at the analogy, not the situation'. That analogy is what our lives have been for the past year. We're on the treadmill - sometimes at a nice, even, steady pace. Sometimes jogging a bit. Other times running as fast as we can, as far as we can - just to keep up. And he nonchalantly comes by and yanks the plug out of the wall - no warning. No 'hey, I'm about to disconnect so hang on'. Just yanks the plug - and like some cartoon, we go flying across the room, skidding on the floor, watching the bruises show up as soon as we hit the hard surface. The bruises stay for a really long time - and they take forever to disappear. As bruises do....

That's what it's been like for us the last year.

And I know myself. There's only so much time I can handle the treadmill and the skidding across the room before my self-protection mode kicks in. And I will boot him the heck off my treadmill and out of the room and out of this house - quickly, with finality. Always loving him. But not welcoming his addict self back into my life to keep me running at a break-neck speed. Not happening.

I bruise too easily.....

And that's what scares me the most about this situation - I bruise easily. I don't heal quickly. And he is an addict - a recovering addict, we hope. But an addict - and bruising the people around him comes easily to someone craving their next fix.

I don't want to lose him....

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Up

Temps are finally UP, UP, UP - it's 95 degrees outside!! Pool cover is in place and the pool is already up to 78!

To celebrate the weather, J. and I are watching the movie "Up" - it's really cute! Nice winding down way to end the weekend.

The house is very quiet....son #1 is playing paintball today - and son #2 is...well, we have no idea what he's doing but we know he's safe and well cared for. J. saw him yesterday and he's doing well. I will see him Tuesday. He's 25% done with his stay - and he's counting the days. I try not to think too far ahead - just one day at a time for now.

I've worked the last 38 days - I counted. And I've been sick for about 30 of those. Today, I feel pretty good - and I finally have my appetite back. To celebrate, I'm making a 7-Up pound cake with blueberry sauce and whip cream!

Hoping for some time off soon....

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Oil

My career goal, throughout grade school, high school and even in college, was to be an oceanographer. I grew up spending time weekly by the ocean and it was (and still is) my absolute favorite place to be. Any ocean. None disappoint. I am happiest when I'm near waves and surf and wind and I feel a part of every living creature who lives in or near the ocean.

The events of the BP oil debacle are so sad. I've never taken a stand pro or con regarding off-shore drilling. It seems reasonable that:

a) we need oil to lessen our dependence on foreign oil, and;
b) most of our planet is covered in water, therefore;
c) some oil supplies are under water; therefore,
d) if we want that oil, we have to figure out a way to get it out from the ground which is under oceans.

I've lived my entire life not giving a lot of thought to what would happen IF the oil from under the ground under the ocean was somehow not coming out all nicely controlled and piped where it belongs, but instead, was pouring out of the ground, thousands of feet below the ocean's surface and entering the ocean. And I never, ever, in a zillion years imagined that IF that were to happen, the oil companies apparently have absolutely no idea what to do about it. They never considered this would ever, EVER happen - that seems obvious.

I saw a Facebook post about 'where are all the stars to do a concert for the oil disaster - to raise funds to help with cleanup, etc. and to help those affected? Cut and paste if you agree'. And for me, the difference is: this isn't a natural disaster. This isn't something out of man's control - like tsunamis or earthquakes. This is a man-made disaster. It was caused by BP being negligent and greedy and careless and....I can't even think of adjectives strong enough to describe them. This entire debacle is at their design, really - never planning for this worst case scenario; having no real idea of exactly what to do. So that's why there's no real rally for people getting on planes and going to help - no one knows exactly what to do. They don't know how to stop it. They can't entirely cap it. And at the moment, it appears it will 'leak' massive amounts of crude until the underground supply is gone. And who knows how long that will be.

Now that this has happened, there is no way I can ever be even remotely supportive of off-shore drilling - ever. IF this incident had resulted in a fairly quick 'fix' - if the 'spill' had been controlled within a matter of days, or even a week or so - then I think I could deal with it. But it's been 50+ days - and it's still gushing.

No one knows what to do about it. Not BP. Not our government. No one.

And that is the one scenario I never imagined - there isn't anyone who knows exactly what to do....and we're killing our ocean because of it.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Freeways

We're already becoming overly familiar with the route between here and there. Today was the third round-trip we've made in 4 days. We have a series of classes; visits; etc. all carefully orchestrated. And logistically challenging - we're at least an hour away and that's if there's absolutely no backups or traffic of any kind. Which of course so rarely happens.

Today we were pretty 'on track' - though it felt (and was) a bit rushed. There were major slowdowns for a pretty good chunk of the drive and as usual, I stress out over timing....not wanting to be late for our first 'family' meeting (which is with family members of the kids in treatment - the kids do not attend. Just the adults in their lives). Slow downs all along the way. We were briefly distracted by the site of a brand new Lamborghini - still had the dealer plates on it from Orange County. It was hard to miss with bright yellow coloring and some kind of 'intake vents' along the side. What a sight - and since H. has always loved that car, we tried to snap a picture of it for him. Silly - but I did manage to get part of it from the window as it zoomed by.

Shortly after that picture, after the Lambo had sped off to freeways unknown, I saw something alive skittering across the freeway....and totally freaked out. Said 'it's an animal' and watched as all the other cars in the other lanes slowed - and the poor car just to the right of us froze in it's tracks as the creature came to rest just in front of their car. It was right about then we noticed what it was - A FISH! It had apparently splashed out of an ice chest - landed on the freeway - and 'flopped' across several lanes of traffic. I can't tell you how relieved I felt upon realizing it was a fish. I don't know what that says about me - I mean, fish are God's creatures as much as anything else - but I was so relieved to not be witnessing the death of a 4-legged creature. A fish! Flopping across traffic! It was somewhat amusing - and a good 'stress relief'. We can use all the stress relief we can get at this point.

We arrived in time for the family meeting; met with the counselor that will be 'our' counselor (for the three of us plus H.) during H.'s stay there; and then went upstairs to visit H. Poor guy - all the other parents had already headed upstairs to visit and we were still in the basement of the building meeting with the counselor. He was (seemed) happy to see us - at least happy to know we had not failed to show up - or had shown up and left without seeing him. As if. We arrived with the piles of things he needed and had failed to pack for himself - the kid packed NO underwear. They called us to let us know they were buying a package for him - and he told us today they did buy him some, but they were 'tighty whiteys' and he told the person 'um, thanks, but no way. Not wearing those'. Which essentially means he's been wearing the same pair of boxers for the last 3 days....boys will be boys.

We continue to feel he's in good hands and in the best place possible. But as we were reminded today, he is there for an incredibly short time (relative to making any confirmed progress towards dealing with his addiction) - and we struggle with that. Sure, he can end up there again - should he end up in trouble legally, he could be assigned to live there for some time. But we're there as 'hospital' patients, essentially - a short-term stay which will give him intensive therapy and counseling - but it's only 30 days. We're hopeful - but realistic. As they've instructed us to be. Hard to know what to hope for.....just hope, I guess. Hope for hopes sake - that's something.

I celebrated my 50th yesterday by going to the doctor, who took a look and said 'um, antibiotic shot NOW, with 10 days of the same antibiotic in pill form and uh, just a suggestion, but you might try to actually rest for a bit'. So I did. Still so far from NOT having the district's budget done, it's ridiculous - but I came home 'early' (worked 1/2 day) and slept most of the day. AND totally throwing caution to the wind again today, I have not worked. Yet. There's still 5 hours in the 'day' so we'll see. Then again, I'm exhausted and thinking that going to bed really early (now) would be great and I can hit the work hard tomorrow - 24 hours in every day and it will get done. It will......OH YES IT WILL.

We make the trip again on Tuesday - classes for all three of us together -

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

The Day I Cried About a Bucket of Chicken

Wow...what a day....

I will always remember this 2nd to the last day of my 40's as the day I teared up at the thought of a bucket of fried chicken.

We were at H.'s appointment for close to FIVE HOURS. What an experience.....history was shared. Decisions were considered, discussed, re-considered, re-discussed - and then decisions were finalized in hugely rapid order. Shocking all of us. We backed up a bit, re-discussed and have a plan.

On the way home, we tried to decide what to have for dinner. I suggested a bucket of fried chicken. Raley's had a great 'deal' - a 16 piece bucket of awesome fried chicken for $9.99. J. hesitated. And within seconds, it hit me. We don't need a 16 piece bucket of chicken....because H. won't be home for awhile.

On the last day of my 40's, we will return to where we spent the day today - and we will be leaving H. there for an as yet undetermined in-patient stay.

On the day before I officially turn 50, we are taking our just turned 17 year old to rehab.

I teared up at the thought of a bucket of chicken....how we can't eat that much chicken without the never-ending appetite of son #2.

I miss him already......

Please pray.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Croaky

I've made myself a strong cup of decaf English breakfast tea with honey....as hot as I can stand. I'm sipping away hoping it will soothe my sore throat. I am croaky. I sound terrible. And it's the kind of scratchy throat that leads to 'tickles' all night long so I have had very non-restful sleep for three nights now. I should be dead on my feet but adrenaline is keeping me going. Worked all three days of the three day weekend - a half day Saturday, all day Sunday and a 2 hour day yesterday - I should have stayed longer but it was another very stress-filled day on the home front and I needed to just try to rest. Didn't. But I tried.

We have an appointment with H. tomorrow - he needs help. We need help. Still wavering on if/what to write about. On the one hand, this blog has always been for me. But it's hard realizing that if I write what I feel, what's in my heart, it's out there for all eternity. And even I - Ms. 'Tell It Like It Is' - has to reckon with just how all this turns out in the end. And how it reads as it's happening. So I'm editing a bit. A lot, really....

I feel like we're at a crossroads of sort....a parenting nexus that requires we continue to hold him accountable. We've been doing that all along - but truth be told, he just isn't. He's living in an alternate universe of his own making and his own choosing and while we thought we were holding our own; thought we were making steady progress forward, we recently realized we haven't been even treading water. Slowly sinking is what it now feels like - we just didn't realize how close to being fully submerged we were.

But now we know. Last Wednesday changed our lives forever. And his, too. And while everyone who's walked this path with their own kids keeps reassuring me that someday, this will all be a dim memory and we'll be coming out the other side OK and 'better' for the journey, I sure don't see that ever happening. Don't feel like it will ever happen. It's dark and cold and swirling all around us - and we're just making every effort to hold on. To our marriage. To each other. Making sure we do what we have to do to survive: eat, sleep, go to work, come home, repeat. There's a whole lot of other crap mixed in there....tons of crap. And I'll save you all the details....for now.

I hope tomorrow - another Wednesday - will be what we need. For all of us. Mostly for him - 'cuz I know that parenting is a tough job and we signed on for it and we're doing it. Come hell or high water, we ARE doing it. But if he finds what he needs, it will help us a lot....and we need help ourselves. We really do. Loving him unconditionally is easy. Liking him even slightly is pretty damn hard at the moment.

March

I'm starting to think maybe I will just do a monthly post and call it what it is - whatever month we're in.  Here we are winding dow...