Leap(s) of Faith

Upon awakening this morning, J. asked 'how did you sleep?'.  I replied 'pretty good, how about you?'.  'Good until around 5:15 when I started ruminating'.  'Ditto' was my reply.

Yesterday, we put a deposit on a just shy of a quarter acre lot to build our next home.  We met with the realtor and the builder - very nice people.  The realtor called the owner/manager of the golf course (who owns all the land the houses are being built on, all the golf course land and the surrounding undeveloped (but will be someday) land) - and he was happy to meet us in the parking lot of the golf course and drive us around in a golf cart to see our lot up close.  We also got a wonderful tour of most of the course, were able to visualize the future development and were very impressed with his very welcoming demeanor.  Really, think about it - how many people would drop everything, hop on a golf cart and spend time with two strangers - when you are the owner of all the property?  We were very impressed - he was very nice and easy going.

And the land owner and realtor are also building homes - they will be our neighbors - so that is really cool, too.

We went in thinking we would buy one lot and quickly decided to buy a completely different lot - because the first lot we chose was much smaller and given the size of the house we want to build, there were concerns it wouldn't fit.  Price difference was only $20K so we were fine with the (much) larger lot.  It also made us rethink the original lot to see the plot map for the next round of homes being built - what currently looks like open space would have been houses across the street - so we opted for a lot that is sure to stay 'open space' since it's overlooking one of the golf holes.

The great thing about this development is that semi-custom means 'you pick'.  We can (literally) find any floor plan we like, send to them and they will design the home with those features to fit on our lot.  The possibilities feel a bit staggering at the moment - but we already have a 'tentative' plan and will continue to look over the next month or so.  They confirmed we will need to come up here quite a few times in the planning phase and the house should be completed in about a year.  That sounds like a long time but is actually 3-6 months sooner than we had been thinking?  So now we've got to regroup around me (possibly) retiring even earlier - and is that feasible.

I'm psyching myself up to retire from my current job, get moved to CC and settled, have a few months of sleeping in and being at home and then finding work somewhere.  Probably not 'needed' but would certainly help smooth out the rough edges of our budget.  That leads to lots of ruminating about health insurance, etc. - I can pay out of pocket to stay on my current plan if I retire - but if I ever stop that coverage, I can't come back in.  So....I'll have to be careful about that 'cuz I truly don't want to work until 65.

I'm hoping I can find some part time work - and/or even substitute teaching - to bring in some $ but not have to change benefits.  I'm sure there are tons of jobs in this area - so I'm not too worried.

And then I ruminate about 'and if you start collecting SS at 62, that will limit what you can earn...' .  Do I work and wait to claim?  And if yes, how long?

So many things to ruminate about.  And we're just beginning.

I moved up to Northern California in 1984 on a wing and a prayer.  Felt led here by a force that kept reassuring me 'it's OK.  This is where you are supposed to be'.  I feel pretty much the same about this move.  It is a leap of faith to leave California and start fresh somewhere completely new.  It's easy (super easy) to over think every little thing and end up in total 'mind meltdown' about all the moving parts.  But we can do this.  I'm sure we can and I'm sure we will be fine - and we are going to have an absolutely beautiful home in a beautiful city.

We're heading home from Reno today - thank you to Atlantis for the free rooms - we're counting on those rooms to continue for the next five months.  I can't wait to be considered 'a local' and play here often.  Sitting at a machine betting 50 cents a pull is fun and entertaining and my goal is to get to Black Diamond status - Atlantis' player loyalty tiers are based only on time at machine - not dollars in.  So I just have to keep hanging out here.  Not a problem 'cuz it's a very nice, fun place.

More later on some locals I met this trip.

BFF

My BFF (Best Friend Forever) J. reached out via email yesterday - so happy to see another post.  I was happy to know that people out there are still reading?  During the chaos of the past few months, I thought to call her a zillion times but I would start the conversation with?  "Hi.  My son is a heroin addict.  He and his also addicted girlfriend lived with us for five months.  Her dad knew but didn't tell us when we invited them to move in with us".  What a great way to reconnect?

But as always - she is my rock.  Her friendship has seen me through some of my hardest days - losing my mom.  Losing my job.  Finding myself in a new line of work that is more rewarding than I ever imagined.  Everything happens for a reason.  Everything.

We have dinner planned for a week from tonight and I can't wait to see her!

Up early this morning to head out to Sacramento for two nights - work conference.  It seemed like a great idea to go way back when but now?  No, I'm really not feeling it but I am going. It's also our admin 'retreat' and I can't miss that, no matter how much my social anxiety is kicking up.  I can get through the long days of soaking up new information just fine but the social stuff in the evenings?  Super hard to pretend I'm thrilled about going bowling.  I probably won't be able to move tomorrow. 

J. and his brother B. (both of J.'s brothers have the initial B.) are also heading towards Sacramento for two days of golf.  Spending the night up there tonight and home late tomorrow.  J. and I are meeting in Auburn on Thursday afternoon (after my conference is over) and heading up to CC to meet with the builder on Friday morning.  Super excited.  We've started making lists of wants and questions.  I've been looking at design ideas online every chance I get. 

Last night as we were tidying up the kitchen, J.'s brother asked 'so M., when are you planning to retire' and I said without hesitation '20 months'.  And J. said 'her being able to name a date just happened'.  And I realized 'wow, yes.  I can officially name a date'. 

I told J. last night before bed 'I look around this house and all this stuff to deal with and I just feel overwhelmed and exhausted'.  He said 'we have some time'.  We're going to have to put our butts in gear daily/weekly to make headway on this stuff.  We will have lived in this house 19 years when we move out and that's a long time to accumulate a ton of stuff.  But we will get there.  One day at a time.

Off to the races. 

Still Pondering

I have sooo many posts in draft stage but I just can't bring myself to push 'post' - things still feel pretty raw in my heart and soul and while it helps to write some of it down, it feels too hard to share it with everyone.  It's been a very long few months and it shows - constant dark circles under my eyes; broken sleep.  Hardest budget cycle ever for me given all the chaos happening at home while I worked 45 straight days to get it done. 

Maybe some light is due and we can create our own.

Short version:  H&R are heroin addicts.  Addicted for a long time.  Addicted before we invited them to live with us and stayed that way throughout their time here.  Too many details to bring up and relive and too many constant 'bad memories' about the things that happened in the weeks leading up to us changing the locks and kicking them out.

They are both in (separate) rehab facilities.  H. is doing very well.  We don't know how R. is and for the most part, we don't give a crap.  Focusing on our immediate family member's well-being and process towards sobriety is about all we can handle at the moment.

We spent most of June and July in 'taking back our house' mode.  Cleaning out furniture and 'stuff'.  Taking it to the storage unit that R.'s dad will be paying for staring 8/1.  Junking a lot of stuff that was left behind and her family doesn't want to reclaim.  As bad as all the stuff with H. is (and was and still is to some extent), my mind boggles at R.'s reality - she lost custody of her children because of her drug use and she's got way more bridges to rebuild with her family than H. ever will. 

We're glad to have them out of our house and H. will never live with us again.  He knows this.  He has a host of legal issues to work through and he will do that - he understands jail time is a very real possibility because part of his sobriety means the people around him have to stop covering for him.  So no $ from us to pay the myriad of fines he has for the 8 misdemeanor charges against him.  Hopeful that his residency in a drug rehab facility will result in the judge continuing to make H.'s participation in rehab a condition of his release along with community service and/or whatever else?  But it will be what it will be and H. & J. are going to start working through that process in the not too distant future. 

As we enter August, we are also working on reclaiming our life....our wonderful, blessed, happiness filled life.  We are taking a HUGE step towards that as of NOW. 

Next weekend, we will be in Carson City, NV and we will be putting a deposit down on a semi-custom home on a golf course.  For real.  And shortly after the house is done - Winter 2019 to Spring 2020 ish - I will be retiring.  Officially. 

We pondered keeping two houses for awhile - because I've been planning to keep working until I hit a longevity step and then a full year past that to incorporate that compensation bump in my pension?  But lunch with my dear friend G. (who retired a couple years ago) helped me shift from 'stop looking at what you will have if you keep working and look at where will you be if you stop'.  And doing that - creating a budget for the 'new house' based on my pension if I retire in 2020 - is still a very good income.  We can do this.  We really can.

Our 11 year age difference has presented challenges in planning and the realization how so often, folks keep working and working and then retire and have some major health thing happen.  We don't want that.  We want time TOGETHER while we are both still able to get around reasonably well. 

So we're reclaiming our happiness and giving ourselves a much needed 'fresh start' of sorts.  We both feel really excited about the building process - we have input into the layout of the house and we're building from the ground up so we get to pick virtually everything - and the activities up in Carson City (heretofore known as CC) combined with getting ready to sell this place and move will keep us very busy for the next 20 months. 

My boss knows that we are building a home in another state and I suspect he suspects that my move will be tied to the completion of the house but for now, I'm not going to confirm or deny any plans. Lots of things could still happen and while we will be committed to building by this time next week (with money down to confirm our commitment), we'll see how things go. 

So there you have it - in a nutshell - the past few months have been pretty damn awful but things are looking up.  I feel a lightening in my heart having made the decision to leave Tracy - and while I love our house and feel sad about leaving, I know we will be equally happy in CC in our beautiful, brand new single story house which will look out on the first tee of the first hole of a beautiful golf course. 

And I think I'm even interested in trying golf again.  I took a few lessons early in our marriage but just didn't get into it.  But it might be worth trying again given how convenient it will be to plan.  And easy to head home after. 

More soon - I'm going to spend the day piddling around the homestead and starting the slow, long process of cleaning out cupboards and drawers.  Making lists of 'keep, donate, sell, move' so we can get stuff out of the house.  We don't plan to list the house in Tracy for at least another year...so we've got time.  But I also know how fast time passes and I want to get on it and keep on it so we don't end up in a mad dash at the end.