Slow Motion

I watch a fair amount of Law & Order - any and all of the various franchises of the series.  Taped on our DISH Hopper, available to me 24/7.  

Things always wrap up so easily on the show, right?  In an hour, there's a crime, a suspect identified, prosecution and sentencing.  Makes it all seem so simple.  

Filing a missing person report has felt overwhelming in dozens of ways.  Three weeks ago this morning is the last contact we've had with H. .  His phone has not been used since August 31st.  

J. and I have done a fair amount of 'round and round' talking about things - trying to decide what to do.  We were hesitant to file the report at first because what does that say?  Are we saying we want him found because we will find him help - stepping/continuing on the roller coaster we've been on with him for more than a decade?  Um, no.  That's not happening.  We aren't looking to find him to ride in on a white horse and 'save him'.  So what are we really saying if we file?  

This morning, J. contacted the Harris County Sheriff Department and within an hour of J.'s initial call, a detective phoned to get more info.  We provided H.'s information - last known addresses, people he might hang out with (we don't know many of them).  He checked to see if H. was in custody - I didn't mention that I've been doing that weekly or more than once a week for a few months.  He isn't in jail.  Never been arrested.   Had a traffic stop some months back (when he had the car) but no idea if he was cited or what the offense was.  (Privacy laws apply to all sorts of situations, I guess).  

In the end, H. doesn't qualify as a missing person at this point.  He's an adult and has no developmental disabilities or autism that would put him in a higher risk category.  Unfortunately, it appears he is homeless, has been for some time and if in active drug use (which we are sure he is), is likely staying on the streets. 

The detective asked if we had people there who could keep an eye out for him - but we really know so few people in his circle so that seems unlikely. 

He's sort of 'in the system' in that if he is arrested or picked up, there will be notes about the conversation we had with the detective...so that's something.  

We face what we're most worried about:  we may never see or hear from him again.  We may never know if he's alive or if he died.  That's a really hard thing to grapple with and there are moments when we have those thoughts that we just feel so overwhelmingly sad.  

We stand together and move through the fear and keep going.  There's nothing else we can do.  Just keep going.  

Enjoyed a fantastic evening at Atlantis in Reno last night - a winery dinner.  4 courses each served with a different wine.  Fantastic food and we were at such a fun table - lively conversation and the evening flew by.  AND six bottles of wine as a gift at the end of the dinner.  We played a bit before and a bit after and had a blast - and I hit a Dragonlink Major for the first time since June.  

I also played at Gold West in Carson yesterday and had the MOST extraordinary luck there, too - came home way up which gave me the funds to really have a blast at Atlantis.  I got on a machine that was just super duper HOT and hit bonus after bonus.  Started betting higher and it kept hitting, still!  It was an awesome day and the lovely time with J. at Atlantis was the perfect way to cap off a greatly fun slot play day.  

J. has golf Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday, we are hosting our soon to be new neighbors as they come visit their homesite.  The grading of the lot was started - but no foundation forms have been laid yet.  Thursday will be Atlantis free play day and we will go back next Saturday night for a 'Night in Tuscany' dinner.  We're trying to take advantage of all the opportunities we have for amazing events at Atlantis and it's been really fun lately. 

In other news, my closet reorganization has revealed I may actually have a problem....boy, do I have a LOT of Dooney & Bourke purses.  I'm really thinking of putting some up for sale on Poshmark or Mercari or some other site.  

The Amazon van just pulled up and likely delivered two more 'closet chests'.  I'm pretty close to conquering the conundrum of my closet space and I've made so much progress!  Feels exciting to have watched it morph and change the past month or so and I'm making sense of it all.  Next room to tackle reorganizing is the hobby room - which is really mostly becoming where we put stuff we are undecided about.  There's a lot of undecided.  

I keep watching B.'s Facebook messenger for a 'green dot' or a 'last online' time.  He's still in dark mode doing maneuvers and training at Ft. Polk in Louisiana and we're not exactly sure when his dark mode ends. 

Sometimes it Will Be a Hard Day

Today is J.'s 72nd birthday and he amazes me.  He is proof age is just a number.  Though his hip is pretty sore (making his knees 'easy' relatively speaking) he still does plenty every single day.  He tends the yard daily, keeps the bird baths clean and full and does tons of stuff inside the house as well.  And plays golf one to two times a week depending on his club events and Atlantis tournament play.  He's a rock star.  And will likely have a hip replacement surgery at some point not too far in the future. 

My phone rang (and I turn on the sound every morning - something I almost never did before all the recent H. stuff) - it was an appointment reminder for a Wednesday appointment.  I was so disappointed it wasn't a call from H. to wish his dad a happy birthday.  

I had even more hope than usual when a conversation (via Facebook Messenger) with someone H. was in touch with in late August said he had said he would only be calling his parents for special occasions.  Sort of confirms what we've been thinking more and more the past couple weeks:  he doesn't want to be 'found' and he doesn't really want contact.  This person is who he borrowed the $50 he (finally) paid me for his monthly cell phone bill - the issue that started to break all his carefully crafted stories into a zillion tiny pieces.  When my mind really started to think 'if he truly has the great job he keeps telling us about, he wouldn't have any issue coming up with $50 - unless he's using again and/or doesn't actually have the job he keeps insisting he does'.  

Once those doubts started to creep in, I started sleuthing and it all crashed pretty soon after that.  To know he was planning to just 'disappear' - I'm not surprised but still.  Not being in touch is what it appears he was planning -

Guess it's good we pretty much feel the same way.  

We're heading to Reno in a bit - we'll spend time playing - hopefully J. will want to play slots with me a bit and then he'll head off and play blackjack for a bit.  Dinner reservations at 5:15 and we'll celebrate with a great meal and a carrot cake - our favorite.  

Chatted on Messenger with my cousin S. this morning who read the blog and got caught up.  Encouraging words to remind us that it's a hard thing to 'let go' but it's so much better for our psyches.  

J. is playing golf tomorrow and my big agenda item is mopping the floors.  Funny thing is that the general lightening of my well being has made everyday mundane stuff not as much of an 'ugh' as it was for a bit.  Keeping the homestead in good shape, caught up and getting into routines is really helping.  

My closet redo is second on the list - it's a work in progress but I walked into it last night as I was tidying my room before heading to bed and it's really starting to look nice.  Sort of an 'ahhh' reaction as I notice the details of things looking organized, tidy and put together.  I love that feeling.  

There's a Dan Fogelberg concert streaming on KNX-FM and I'm reliving all the concerts I was fortunate to attend in my younger years.  I lost count of how many performances of his I was blessed to be at but it's more than five and less than ten, I think.  Sometimes just him, a guitar and a piano...and sometimes with his full band.

Sometimes the Machine Tells You

In addition to playing slots once or twice a week at Atlantis in Reno, I play two or three times a week at a local Carson casino.  All of the treks to play are determined by offered free play.  I'm a sucker for a casino offering me free money to play slots.  We actually get lots of other free play offers from all around here - but after close to two years here, I've narrowed down where I most like to play - because free play isn't really ever free, right?  It's easy to think 'I'll just play my free play'...but odds are, you'll play some of your own money, too. 

Sometimes free play works out pretty well.  Sometimes it doesn't. Today was a really good day. 

First, I got down to only $9 left of what I had to play (including free play).  One of the reasons I play on Fridays is because there's a swipe and win after you've earned 100 points - so I went to the kiosk for the (player) card swipe and won $20 in additional free play.  

Luckily, the machine I'd left was still open - approaching a $900 Major.  I put my $9 ticket in and loaded the free play and just like a couple weeks ago, the machine kept paying.  I hit 3 $100 Minors on two cent denomination and a $250 Minor on nickel denomination.  Combined with other bonuses, it kept me going.  I kept playing.  Machine cooled a bit and I put back a pretty good chunk of my wins.  Switched to two cent denomination again, recovered what I'd walked in the door with for the day - so the instinct to leave was strong.  Even is good - especially after playing quite awhile.  

But I had been down to $9 and was back to a little over $200 so I decided 'I was OK leaving with nothing earlier so I'm going to keep playing a bit'.  I sort of had a feeling.  Feelings have been wrong - no one knows for sure, right?  That's while they call it gambling - but it was worth a shot.  

I upped my bet to $3 and hit a free game bonus round.  On the 5th free spin (of 6) this happened: 

 

One spin left in bonus round was another $100!  Cashed out my ticket for $1300 and headed home!!  

Those are the free play days I LOVE!!  Same thing happened a couple weeks ago when a different Dragonlink did the same thing - kept me playing until I hit a $1,000 Major - also in the free game bonus round.  Woot woot!! 

Best part of the win?  We are going to Atlantis Sunday night for J.'s birthday dinner and the win today will ensure a very fun Sunday afternoon.  We've decided to play before dinner.  

Huge heartfelt thanks to my dear friends J.P. and S.S. who both reached out after reading the blog.  I'm blessed with wonderful friends and these two ladies have been my friends for decades!  Both of them!  I'm very grateful for their kindness and compassion.  They've shared the journey we've been on with H.'s addiction issues for a long time - and have always been there for me.  Thanks, you two.  I love you both!  

Validation

Talked to my therapist K. this morning - my last visit with her was mid-September, 2019, a few days after our Tracy house was officially sold.  We are also celebrating our approaching 30th anniversary 'cuz I started seeing her in November, 1991 when B. was still a baby.  

There were some Internet issues which had me not fully hearing her responses and suggestions - so we'll have to fix that for next time.  She was her usual wise, kind self.  

At the end of the call as we wrapped up and scheduled another appointment for mid-October (to be totally moved earlier if needed depending on any things that happen between now and then) she said 'Majah, I want you and J. to know this with certainty:  you have been excellent parents and have done more for H. and his addiction issues than most parents would.  Don't doubt that, don't beat yourselves up.  He's being driven by a force so strong that there's honestly nothing you can do anymore'.  

Those words reconfirmed for me that our 'do nothing' approach is best.  I told her I am feeling much better vs. this time last week and have had a huge 'lightening' of my psyche and heart as I let go of the constant worry and fretting I've been doing for months & years.  

She said 'you have to grieve.  You're realizing you have to let go of the thing that's the hardest to give up and that's hope.  It's OK to let go of that. You don't have to hold on to hope when it seems pretty clear H. isn't making any of the changes he needs to make to be better'.  

H. is the last thing I think of when I'm drifting off to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up.  But it's no longer thinking of all the 'what should we be doing?' mixed with panic.  It's just a quiet acknowledgement that I care about him and love him.  I wish him a good night's sleep and an OK day and then I move on to living my life. 

B. called last night (bless his heart).  He's worried about H. but mostly, I think he's worried about us.  The hurricane that was expected in Texas changed direction and headed to Louisiana - so now B.'s week will be filled with maneuvers done in torrential rain and some fierce wind.  Thankfully, they are sleeping in an actual building so at least they are dry and warm(ish) at night.  And yes, B. confirmed they have access to warm drinks like hot chocolate.  Things that warm you up from the inside - along with very long, very hot showers.  He humored my mom-ness of asking about hot chocolate but said 'yes, we have that, Mom'. 

I tried to explain to B. how I was feeling - how my approach is changing - how we feel like doing nothing is better at this point.  Yes, we will file a missing person report with the Harris County sheriff because it gets H.'s name and picture into the system and maybe we'll get confirmation he's OK.  But I refuse to be on the roller-coaster of needing or wanting weekly 'confirmation of life' status checks.  I don't want to live like that.  Frantic from one point in time to the next?  No.  I can't do that anymore.  Pondering how we'll turn our world upside down again to help him yet again?  No.  Not doing that, either. 

Well....I can do those things....but no, I don't want to and will not.  Hard words for a parent to say regarding the well being of their 'child'.  But H. isn't an at risk youth - he's a grown man who has made very bad decisions for a very long time.

I've been binge watching Chicago Med on Netflix - some of the scenarios are completely, ridiculously far-fetched but it's mindless TV that passes the time.  

Tomorrow is Thursday which is my favorite day of the week - we will trek to Atlantis for weekly free play.  Sitting with J. playing slots together for a bit, me enjoying a couple ice cold draft Blue Moons and J. having a not too spicy Bloody Mary, getting dinner to go.  It's a nice way to spend an afternoon and it has become the highlight of my week, pretty much.  Having J. come too lets me enjoy beer and our weekly food credits feed us for at least one and sometimes two meals.  

I'm maintaining a steady list of homestead projects and they keep me/us busy.  Organizing things like redoing under the kitchen sink and my closet are welcome distractions.

A New Attitude

When I crawled into my lovely bed with clean, crisp sheets and snuggled under the covers to sleep, I thought 'H. might be sleeping on a piece of cardboard or on the ground.  He might be cold and hungry'.  My heart hurt for a few minutes and a couple tears made their way down my face.  I closed my eyes, thanked God for the gift of clarity the day had brought to my heart and soul and asked Him to watch over H. .  Much as I've done nightly for a long time.  

First half of the night was good sleep.  Second half not so much.  J. said his night was the same.  

He had a physical therapy appointment first thing this morning and I got showered and cleaned up early (for me) because the exterminator was coming between 9 and 11 for our semi-annual service.  As soon as J. returned from his PT appointment, he changed into golf clothes and headed out for a day of fun with friends.  I got busy.

It's felt really great today keeping busy with a ton of stuff around the homestead.  I finally got out the 'cat training tape' and trimmed a piece to put on a rug in the entryway that the cats have been going crazy on.  It's double sided sticky tape so when they try to go to town on that part of the rug (which already showed wear from cat scratching), they won't like the stickiness and eventually will stop.  I also moved a cat scratcher over near the entryway to encourage them to use the scratcher vs. the rug. 

I washed all the 'blanket covers' we have on all the furniture.  If/when we have guests, we take them off but they are mostly always there because it's way easier to clean fur off those vs. furniture.  

It's a slot play day for me - a smidge of free play at Gold West and I'll be heading there at some point today.  But I'm enjoying piddling around the homestead and getting stuff done.

My heart aches today as much as it has the past week...but it's a different sort of ache.  I care about him, worry about him and love him and those emotions are not going anywhere.  He's our son.  But....I'm working on letting go of the overwhelming fear.  Overwhelming.....it's hard for me to find the right word....overwhelming overwhelm is maybe the best?  Our new day to day normal is heading towards not having contact with H. on a regular basis.  His phone has not been used since August 31st.  We have no contact information.  His Facebook page is inactive.  He has no computer so wouldn't see a Facebook message anyway.  

It will be hard.  Some days will be harder than others.  To function in life knowing you have a child out there struggling.  And it hurts a lot.  But as I declared yesterday it's time to move forward.  

I'm taking back my life.  And J.'s.  

We love you, H. .  Forever and always.  And the picture below is a reminder for you as much as for us.  Keep going.  

We all just have to keep going. 

Focus on What We Can Do

We sought advice and counsel from our neighbor who's a retired police officer and a licensed private investigator.  He was (as he always is) incredibly kind, thoughtful in his responses and gave us some great ideas.  I feel like we have a plan and we know what to do next.  And once we've done those things that we CAN DO, everything after that isn't about us. 

It feels so much better to feel 'empowered' a smidge - and a huge part of that is realizing that there isn't much we can do, really.  H. knows how to reach us.  He likely knows about homeless shelters, places he can go for a warm meal.  Are we upset and sad that he needs those things because the stories he's crafted the past seven months are all lies?  Yes, it's hard and upsetting.  But really, he has the ability to do what he needs to do for himself and nothing we do or say can really add to that at this point.   

One of the challenges this past week is in our efforts to confirm H.'s well being, we've had to ponder the question 'and what will we do if/when we talk to him?'.  Because we sure as heck aren't going to send him a ton of money (for any reason - we will send absolutely no money anywhere) and we aren't going to fly there to 'get him'.  Our helping him will be in the realm of 'here is a location of a shelter and here are some places that do detox and rehab programs for drugs.  

Our law enforcement friend warned us of possible future events which might include someone calling insisting that H. is in grave/mortal danger unless someone sends money somewhere - in our neighbor's experience, the ratcheting up of the games used to get funds for drugs occurs when someone realizes their family is no longer responding to the requests for money.  Or help.  

As we walked back into our house, we noticed what a beautiful day it is here.  Crystal clear blue skies, temperature comfortable, little to no breeze.  Perfect for yard work.  And there's plenty of that 'cuz I've barely been in the yard for over a month.  

There's always stuff around the homestead to do - and digging in and doing it feels right when it's a wise distraction from feelings of fear, loss, sadness, worry.  None of those emotions we've been channeling for the past few days make any difference - and while we feel them because we love our son deeply and are very concerned for his well being - it's a complete waste of energy to keep doing that to ourselves.  

I don't know what the future brings.  I don't know if things will be good or horribly bad.  And setting ourselves up for repeated weeks like this last one - of pensively praying we find out he's OK - of course we want to know he is OK - will we be pensively living for the rest of our lives?  Waiting for any word about his status only to then return to the pensively fretting and worrying over and over? 

No.  I'm giving that up as of this moment.  Loving him and caring about him is a constant thing - always has been and always will be.  But fretting about him over and over - feels manipulative - feels sad - and leads to pensively living.  And I don't want to do that anymore.  

It's incredibly hard to realize that for seven months, your son has said all the right things, implied he's doing all the right things - and all of it was a flat out lie.  All of it.  Every shared observation of living in someone else's home; every report of a family meeting about issues that come up, living with a baby (his friend M.'s daughter who turned one a couple weeks ago), looking for and getting a new job....those conversations and events never happened.  Only in H.'s head - and only to us when he told us how things were going.  The sheer volume, the mind-boggling details that he carries forward to the next live conversation.  His ability to create an alternate reality is impressive - and a bit scary. 

J. and I are in the last third of our lives - and we are blessed to be living where we live and blessed to spend our time doing whatever we want to do at this point.  Even laundry seems more 'fulfilling' today realizing that it's our time to LIVE.  Not sitting around waiting for (yet another) shoe to drop.  Not sitting around praying for confirmation of safety only to then have to start the wait for the next confirmation immediately after - the overwhelming emotions with every wait period. 

If H. gets in touch, we will be grateful to talk to him and know he is OK.  If he doesn't get in touch, I am hereby declaring that I'm stepping off the constant fretting and worrying merry-go-round and moving forward with living.   

I pray for him nightly and will always do that.  Love him with my whole heart and will always do that.  But his choices aren't going to steal my happiness anymore.  I'm done.  Really.  Done. 

Everything Crashed

Just this morning (9/9), we confirmed what we feared - the last seven months of H.'s tales are just that - stories he created to fit the narrative he wanted us to believe.  We are (now) pretty sure he's been homeless for months; must have taken out a title loan on the car which was then repossessed so he has no transportation and not even a car as a roof over his head.  

It's been a week since we last heard from him - a call from a text app on someone's phone.  I've been in touch with the owner of the phone who gave no identification information (no name, no gender) and while they responded to a text from me to 'them' (not knowing who they are), minimal information was provided about who/what/when/where and why this person was in touch with H. .  Calls from H. to that number on 9/4 and 8/31 - and now nothing.  H. had said it was from a 'text me' app which isn't really a cell phone plan - so there's no way to trace back to the owner of the number. 

We feel H. is officially missing at this point and the terrifying scenarios that run through my head (particularly around 2-3AM most days lately) are hard to deal with.  

We do our best to keep busy around the homestead, grateful there's always something to do to keep things running smoothly.  Tackling some big projects like redoing my bedroom closet - I've been through every single stitch of clothing I own and culled quite a bit - but we're still feeling raw, gutted and scared.  Really scared.  

We're going to talk to our neighbor who is retired police as well as a licensed private investigator.  We hope he can offer ideas about what to do next and we will likely be contacting the Houston Sheriff's Office to ask for help - file a BOLO (be on the lookout) followed by a missing person's report as soon as we can.  We don't have high hopes for any immediate action on the Sheriff's department but filing at least puts H.'s status on record somewhere.  

B. is on his way to Louisiana (Ft. Polk) for a few weeks - we've agreed we won't be sending updates to him on H.'s situation until B. requests an update - he has a lot to focus on and can't spare the brain cells.  I totally get that.  Bless his heart, though, when we confirmed the process for how we would reach him if something tragic happened, he sent the link for the military contact procedure through Red Cross.  Just in case.

I contacted my therapist and scheduled a call with her this week - I know my psyche needs to talk to someone and I couldn't handle the thought of 'starting over' - so thankfully, though she is mostly retired, she agreed to do a video conference session.  Whew.  I think that will really help. 

I beat myself up that the call I had from H. on 9/4 was short - I wasn't really awake enough to draw it out and since he said he was calling to ask for money (and at that point, I had no idea the carefully, intricately crafted stories he'd been telling us for more than six months were completely false), I wasn't overly effusive in my demeanor.  I regret that.  Wishing I'd known all the 'stuff' we now know so I could ask what we could do to better help him.  

Prayers and/or positive mojo appreciated.  In decades of worrying about H. I can say with certainty we are the most worried we've ever, ever been. 

Pensively Pensive

I woke up just before 7AM today and considering it's Saturday, I felt that might be a tad early.  I gave it a few minutes of thought and decided to get up since going back to sleep would likely have me sleeping another hour, at least.  No reason I couldn't do that - but we're working on some house projects this weekend and it felt good to get an early start on the day.  

I jokingly think most mornings the Nevada power grid knows when I'm up for the day.  I shut off the ceiling fan, the tower fan and the room humidifier - they all run most of the night.  I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and saw I had a text.  It was from H. - calling from the phone I've ID'd in my phone as his friend's backup phone.  Something about a phone that runs via the Internet so it's not a 'real' phone - no understanding or idea why his friend needs a 'backup' phone.  But grateful he has it 'cuz H.'s phone isn't working so the backup phone is all he has.  

H. called on Tuesday after a few days of me reaching out to him via texts or leaving messages with no response.  He says his friend M.'s one year old daughter got his phone and locked it.  H. can't unlock it without logging in to iTunes on a computer - and he's waiting for a friend to help him do that.  None of that makes any sense either, since H. has a computer (at least we think he does).  I inquired and got a gobbly goop answer about internet connectivity at the house he's staying - may be true, or not.  Never sure.  

The text said 'Mom, I really need help.  Please let me know when you are up'.  I texted him back 'I'm up'.  No response.  So I called that number.  

He supposedly left his Chime debit card in his locker at work - while his wallet is supposedly with him. No explanation for how/why he left his Chime card in the locker of a business that is closed through Monday.  No access to funds until Tuesday morning.  He said it's OK 'cuz once he gets his phone unlocked, he can access Chime through his phone?  He can't use his phone to get cash out of a bank so that should be interesting.  

He needed money for gas to take a friend to the airport to pick up her brother.  Her car was in the shop and H. said he'd take her - I should have suggested she pay for the gas but I didn't.  

I told him 'we have no way of verifying anything you're saying.  No way to know if this is true or not'.  

I transferred $20 into his Wells checking account - and he withdrew it at the branch about an hour later.  

Every warning signal I have about him is firing on all cylinders today - he didn't sound 'right' and I'm pretty sure things are not as he wants us to believe.  

I hope he gets his phone repaired soon.   

In other news, I'm tackling a major reorganization of my bedroom closet - including going through all the clothes in my dresser, armoire and closet to give away things I don't wear.  After the six months we lived in the rental, when we finally moved into the house, the instinct was 'put stuff away'....and I put off going through things to identify what I knew I would never wear.  I'm working on continuing to let stuff go.  I bought two small 'closet dressers' to use to help stash bathroom stuff that my bathroom has zero room for.  But to make room for those dressers, I have to clean out a ton of clothes - so it's good motivation.  It's the typical project that leads to 'another thing' and then 'another thing'.  It snowballs into feeling overwhelming - but I'm just chunking it up (with J.'s help) and it will get done.  

We have similar issues and snowballing regarding housing books, DVDs, CDs, etc. - and we're going to tackle those things this weekend, too.  

I had a good week on slots - two Majors won on Dragonlink - one at the local Gold West Casino here in Carson and the second at Carson Valley Inn.  It's been a fun week.  

Thursday will have us spending the night at Atlantis to be ready at 4AM Friday morning to take the Atlantis provided transportation to the annual Balloon Races.  We're really excited about the event and hope to make it an annual event. 

We have labored a lot this Labor Day weekend - feels good to make huge progress on making my bedroom space more functional and organized.