- There is no better sound than your kids yucking it up in the back seat. They laugh like they did when they were little - maybe not as often but enough to make your heart full.
- B. doesn't have the patience required for playing slots. He tried. He and H. did sit with me and play a bit twice during the weekend. But B. is much more interested in playing Black Jack.
- H. had a huge run of beginner's luck. The kid was seriously lucky. He won a couple hundred dollars the first night, won a bit more the next day and at one point, put his money in a machine (sitting next to me) and won again - and said 'this is all for you, Mama'. And handed me the winnings. Which I was grateful for 'cuz I hadn't had that much luck at that point.
- We did the buffet on Friday night - seafood. I ate oysters - and within five minutes of eating them, a hugely bad headache started. This was followed by being awake and (literally) sweating profusely from midnight until 2:30AMish - until I made my way to the bathroom and threw up. Which was awful (as throwing up always is) but had the amazing effect of (finally) allowing me to sleep. I felt 'so-so' the next morning - but still managed to get up and out with the family. I think it was the oysters - nothing else made any sense. And the effect of eating them was so fast -
- On Saturday morning, we trekked to Carson City with a stop at Peg's for a wonderful breakfast. I ate some biscuits and gravy (very slowly and just a smidge) and did OK.
- We drove to our home site and marveled at the progress all around. There are people moving in to some of the homes in the area that were started right when we started our journey to buying the lot. The boys thought the place was pretty awesome, thought the houses were really awesome and can't wait to see ours this time next year (if not sooner).
- We then took the kids down Carson City Blvd. to see the town and made a stop at the local casino, Bodine's. I'd been saving visiting for when we moved there - but with the kids with us, I wanted to make it a family memory. It's small and slots only - no tables. (Picture B. with a grumpy face). But then picture Hunter playing a Buffalo Gold machine (he's never played many slots at all much less this game which is hugely popular) - turning a $1.20 bet into $400! I've played the game quite a bit and I'm telling you - he had the run of a lifetime. Bonus after bonus - it was a joy to watch him win.
- We played a bit more and it was a fun time - then we returned to Atlantis and played some more. I met a couple who moved to Carson City from South San Francisco and mentioned we had gone to Bodine's that morning - they said 'watch for us when you live there 'cuz we go there a lot'. Gerry and Jerry - very nice people. They bought a Lennar home in Carson City and told me horror stories about the builder - said they regret the purchase, it's been six months of heck trying to get the things that need fixing actually fixed. Felt bad for them.
- Side note: the builder building all the new homes in our town (and in the school district I work for) is Lennar. Sure hope it goes better here than the experience those folks had in Nevada.
- B. had an acquaintance who lives just outside Carson City so he and H. met the guy in Reno for dinner on Saturday. Dinner turned in to also going to Grand Sierra Resort where they hit a bucket of balls on the driving range there and then did a round of Laser Tag. They got back super late - I was already in bed asleep and they just went to bed -
- We planned to hit the road around 9AM on Sunday morning - trying to beat traffic. We all ended up sleeping in quite a bit - and then I headed down for a Hail Mary try. I had two machines in mind and started with one I keep an eye on - with a Grand jackpot of $12.9K. I wish I could say I won that - I didn't - I played a bit and hit some bonuses and decided to keep playing - and ended up walking away with $600! I wished I could stay and keep playing 'cuz it had dropped the Major jackpot ($2K) a couple times - sadly not with the other things needed to trigger that as a win. It was hot! And I made good use of that - helped offset some of the losses of the weekend.
- The boys came and sat with me at the two machines to my left (different game) and watched me win. B. was not having it (re: slots) but it was still fun - I got a selfie of the three of us on a row of slots but I look hideous so I'm not posting the pic. LOL.
- The drive home was relatively quick and not too traffic-y which was awesome. We stopped at JimBoys tacos in Auburn and the kids ate another $50 of food. (Every meal we had was at least $50. The buffet on Friday night was comped (and was way more than $50) but we ran out of comps after that meal. It wasn't an inexpensive weekend but it was a family vacation - worth every penny).
- It was pretty darn cold - and the thing that surprised me was how dry that makes your skin. My lips were chapped and sore within 24 hours and my face and hands were rough and sore, too. Moisturizer will be my friend when we move there. I wore my $3 beanie (was $30 but in the clearance bin when we took H. to shop for clothes 4 months ago) and was super glad I had it. Keeping your head covered really helps retain warmth.
- It was a lovely weekend and we are so glad BOTH boys could join us! Can't wait to do it again only next time, we will likely be living there!
Monday, December 31, 2018
Family Road Trip
Back yesterday afternoon from our Reno/Carson City family trip - we had a really fun time. I think I'm going to use bullet points to tell the tale.
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
Big Year Ahead
Christmas greetings to all - we had a lovely day. I'd warned the boys that this was a 'smaller' Christmas than their childhood ones were - and B. (bless is heart) said 'Mom, I really just look forward to time together and relaxing'. So proud that he has the true meaning of Christmas in his heart and that even though our Christmas' might have been lavish, it's the time together he remembers and wants more than 'stuff'. You feel like you've done a decent job of parenting when your child tells you that.
And it was still a very lovely Christmas with some fun surprises thrown in. I don't think the boys felt slighted and they were excited about what they received. H. asked for gift cards for clothes so that's what he got and he seemed very happy. B. got some Llamanoes - dominoes but with pics of llamas instead of numbers. He loves llamas - it's our thing. We have Lucky Llama hats from a coffee shop in Carpinteria and now we both have Llamanoes. We played - it was fun!
H.'s boss' boss phoned him on Christmas and asked if he could work today through Friday. Originally, the request was 4 hours a day - but H. didn't want to work on Friday since we plan to head to Reno by 10AM that morning - so he worked 6 hours today and will do 6 tomorrow. He carpooled with a friend and was at work by 3:30AM this morning - yikes, that's early. He's working the laser and cutting the lenses and loves it!! Very specialized skill and he's doing well, by his accounts of his days.
He was supposed to be heading to San Mateo today to take care of Phase 1 of his legal mess but the lure of double time and also wanting to be as available as possible for the company overrode that plan. His boss' boss knows about the legal issues and told H. 'if you can work this week, it will not be any issue for you to take off a couple days in January to take care of the stuff you need to take care of'. So he's working.
He got home around 11AM and promptly went to sleep. As did B. . So it's been a very quiet morning.
I took some time to read back in the blog and realize that we have done a tremendous amount of cleaning stuff out and culling. Much more of the same in the next week or so. J. took an enormous amount of stuff to a donation facility today and we plan to do more of the same tomorrow and/or Monday.
When we get back from Reno, we'll start putting Christmas stuff away and that will result in a lot more culling - some things aren't going to make it to Carson City, like the Santa's Ski Slope. The skiers don't work well anymore and they can't get down the hill and back up without human intervention. So out it goes. I'll look for something new for next Christmas once we're settled in the new house. And our tree is definitely going to be trashed - and I'll look forward to getting a new one!
We have a realtor coming to the house in January - we have a list of questions about projects that are worth doing, timing of the sale, how to deal with the pets, etc. - we hope to list the house in May and be out by end of July or early August - but since we still have no idea when our house will be ready, it's going to be a bit tricky. We'll just have to see how things play out.
I've got some boxes packed up and ready to start stacking in the garage - and sometime in the Spring, we will trek to Carson City and rent a storage unit. J. doesn't think we need to but I think the house will show better with far less of our 'stuff' in it - and everything we move ourselves is weight and mass we don't have to pay the movers to handle. I have no idea what to expect in terms of moving expenses but I know the move from Hayward to Tracy was expensive - and Reno is more than 10 times the distance and more than double - maybe even triple - the stuff we have now vs. what we had then. The mind reels -
There is only the sound of my keyboard tapping and the gentle snoring of two cats and a dog sleeping nearby. All is calm, all is bright.
And it was still a very lovely Christmas with some fun surprises thrown in. I don't think the boys felt slighted and they were excited about what they received. H. asked for gift cards for clothes so that's what he got and he seemed very happy. B. got some Llamanoes - dominoes but with pics of llamas instead of numbers. He loves llamas - it's our thing. We have Lucky Llama hats from a coffee shop in Carpinteria and now we both have Llamanoes. We played - it was fun!
H.'s boss' boss phoned him on Christmas and asked if he could work today through Friday. Originally, the request was 4 hours a day - but H. didn't want to work on Friday since we plan to head to Reno by 10AM that morning - so he worked 6 hours today and will do 6 tomorrow. He carpooled with a friend and was at work by 3:30AM this morning - yikes, that's early. He's working the laser and cutting the lenses and loves it!! Very specialized skill and he's doing well, by his accounts of his days.
He was supposed to be heading to San Mateo today to take care of Phase 1 of his legal mess but the lure of double time and also wanting to be as available as possible for the company overrode that plan. His boss' boss knows about the legal issues and told H. 'if you can work this week, it will not be any issue for you to take off a couple days in January to take care of the stuff you need to take care of'. So he's working.
He got home around 11AM and promptly went to sleep. As did B. . So it's been a very quiet morning.
I took some time to read back in the blog and realize that we have done a tremendous amount of cleaning stuff out and culling. Much more of the same in the next week or so. J. took an enormous amount of stuff to a donation facility today and we plan to do more of the same tomorrow and/or Monday.
When we get back from Reno, we'll start putting Christmas stuff away and that will result in a lot more culling - some things aren't going to make it to Carson City, like the Santa's Ski Slope. The skiers don't work well anymore and they can't get down the hill and back up without human intervention. So out it goes. I'll look for something new for next Christmas once we're settled in the new house. And our tree is definitely going to be trashed - and I'll look forward to getting a new one!
We have a realtor coming to the house in January - we have a list of questions about projects that are worth doing, timing of the sale, how to deal with the pets, etc. - we hope to list the house in May and be out by end of July or early August - but since we still have no idea when our house will be ready, it's going to be a bit tricky. We'll just have to see how things play out.
I've got some boxes packed up and ready to start stacking in the garage - and sometime in the Spring, we will trek to Carson City and rent a storage unit. J. doesn't think we need to but I think the house will show better with far less of our 'stuff' in it - and everything we move ourselves is weight and mass we don't have to pay the movers to handle. I have no idea what to expect in terms of moving expenses but I know the move from Hayward to Tracy was expensive - and Reno is more than 10 times the distance and more than double - maybe even triple - the stuff we have now vs. what we had then. The mind reels -
There is only the sound of my keyboard tapping and the gentle snoring of two cats and a dog sleeping nearby. All is calm, all is bright.
Saturday, December 15, 2018
What a Week
I spent two Fridays ago at the doctor - I've been on antibiotics for a week but not much is changing. I'm so gunky in my throat and chest....it's just a bad, bad crud. This morning was the first morning I woke up not feeling that I wanted to cry upon sitting up. Long nights of restless sleep and long days of work. I called in sick on Monday (which I rarely do) and hoped that extra day of rest would help. It did a little bit but a Tuesday board meeting day (13 hours) pretty much cancelled out any rest benefit from the day away.
The Board approved using a search firm to find the new CBO - and when the discussion started, one board member said "I want Majah to work here". I said 'thank you, that is very sweet - and I am working here ....for another six months or so'. It is harder than I thought it would be to have those six long, slow moving (while simultaneously flying by) months.
We have the first set of docs for the house and we're reviewing them and signing (via online) - and we had a good talk with the realtor that works with the builder and developer of these homes. She reassured us that there's no way we'll need to come up with the 50% deposit before the end of this calendar year - an important tax consideration for us. We will manage the withdrawal for the down payment no problem - but being hit with the tax bill on that in April? No. That would be very scary this late in the year - having not adjusted withholding to account for that. And actually, we are cruising for the first two weeks of April, so our taxes have to be paid in March.
H. is lying low, we think. We were (once again) supposed to lunch with him and his sponsor - but that fell through - fifth week in a row, I think. I've given up caring about it honestly - but there's a part of me that is concerned that this new situation isn't good for H. - not enough accountability and holding his feet to the fire of constantly working the program. He hadn't gone to the rehab place to confirm he lied and confirm he did relapse - doesn't seem to think it's important to do that - which only makes me wonder if the story to cover the lies is another story? I hope he's not in a house where there's a selection of chemical options - I doubt it? Because everyone in the house is in recovery. But, H.'s sponsor's son has never been through any kind of rehab program - just his dad keeping him accountable. I know from experience that parents are completely ineffective in ensuring kids aren't using. You're not with them 24/7 and they are sneaky and manipulative -
I'm on guard and it's hard.
B. and B. (lovely young lady from prior post) are essentially kaput. I'm proud of B. (son) for realizing that the parameters of the relationship as envisioned by her were not what he was OK with. And he stood up for his feelings and said he couldn't see her anymore, given her decision about continuing to see someone else. I'll never understand how it went from that wonderful week of the ball - her amazing text and Facetime conversation about how amazing B. is (and he is, for sure) to her deciding she needed some space and then him realizing that her idea of space is dating at least one other guy. While also dating B. . Recipe for disaster. I felt super sad about it all - because I truly, really truly thought 'he's found the most amazing girl'. She seemed so proud of him being a soldier and so smitten. But no. It looks like it won't work out.
I talk to God about it every night and I have a really solid, wonderful feeling of peace - God knows what is in store for B. - and who knows. Time apart may make both of them regroup. Or not. And either way, son B. is OK and that's the most important thing. He will be home a week from today for two weeks - can't wait!!
J. and I made reservations for two nights in Reno with the boys - we both got a free room so our expenses will just be gas, road trip food and drinks and meals while we're there. Oh...and gaming, of course. We plan to take the boys to Carson City to see the spot where our house will be - it will be a fun trip and we're all looking forward to it. Especially the seafood buffet. Brooks' favorite.
I trekked to Hayward this morning and my therapist didn't show up. I should have called but I worried that she is never remiss and if there was a family emergency unfolding, the last thing they needed was one of her clients phoning to find out where she was. Turned out we confirmed the appointment via text on our phones and she didn't note the date and time of the appointment in her schedule book - so she forgot. I called her home (a number she gave me ages ago when she was meeting me at her house as she recovered from a broken hip) and she answered and as soon as I said 'this is Majah', the gasped and said 'oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!'.
It's all good - it was a pretty drive and relaxing - singing at the top of my lungs to/from. Got me up and dressed which is also a good thing.
Only four more days of work until Winter Break 2018 commences. We have Cabinet most of Tuesday morning and a holiday potluck celebration on Thursday morning. In years past, we've gone out for an evening - but I'm really glad we're just sticking to staying at work. It's so hard to wedge in a night - and we're all ready to have the holiday commence.
I'm toying with the idea of heading up to Jackson tomorrow for a bit. I haven't been there in ages and I haven't been in front of a slot machine in over two months - I'm due! LOL. I have freeplay and another separate freeplay offer - and it will be a beautiful drive. The hills are greening up and it's very pretty.
I just made the final payment on our cruise - 104 days until we cruise the Panama Canal!
The Board approved using a search firm to find the new CBO - and when the discussion started, one board member said "I want Majah to work here". I said 'thank you, that is very sweet - and I am working here ....for another six months or so'. It is harder than I thought it would be to have those six long, slow moving (while simultaneously flying by) months.
We have the first set of docs for the house and we're reviewing them and signing (via online) - and we had a good talk with the realtor that works with the builder and developer of these homes. She reassured us that there's no way we'll need to come up with the 50% deposit before the end of this calendar year - an important tax consideration for us. We will manage the withdrawal for the down payment no problem - but being hit with the tax bill on that in April? No. That would be very scary this late in the year - having not adjusted withholding to account for that. And actually, we are cruising for the first two weeks of April, so our taxes have to be paid in March.
H. is lying low, we think. We were (once again) supposed to lunch with him and his sponsor - but that fell through - fifth week in a row, I think. I've given up caring about it honestly - but there's a part of me that is concerned that this new situation isn't good for H. - not enough accountability and holding his feet to the fire of constantly working the program. He hadn't gone to the rehab place to confirm he lied and confirm he did relapse - doesn't seem to think it's important to do that - which only makes me wonder if the story to cover the lies is another story? I hope he's not in a house where there's a selection of chemical options - I doubt it? Because everyone in the house is in recovery. But, H.'s sponsor's son has never been through any kind of rehab program - just his dad keeping him accountable. I know from experience that parents are completely ineffective in ensuring kids aren't using. You're not with them 24/7 and they are sneaky and manipulative -
I'm on guard and it's hard.
B. and B. (lovely young lady from prior post) are essentially kaput. I'm proud of B. (son) for realizing that the parameters of the relationship as envisioned by her were not what he was OK with. And he stood up for his feelings and said he couldn't see her anymore, given her decision about continuing to see someone else. I'll never understand how it went from that wonderful week of the ball - her amazing text and Facetime conversation about how amazing B. is (and he is, for sure) to her deciding she needed some space and then him realizing that her idea of space is dating at least one other guy. While also dating B. . Recipe for disaster. I felt super sad about it all - because I truly, really truly thought 'he's found the most amazing girl'. She seemed so proud of him being a soldier and so smitten. But no. It looks like it won't work out.
I talk to God about it every night and I have a really solid, wonderful feeling of peace - God knows what is in store for B. - and who knows. Time apart may make both of them regroup. Or not. And either way, son B. is OK and that's the most important thing. He will be home a week from today for two weeks - can't wait!!
J. and I made reservations for two nights in Reno with the boys - we both got a free room so our expenses will just be gas, road trip food and drinks and meals while we're there. Oh...and gaming, of course. We plan to take the boys to Carson City to see the spot where our house will be - it will be a fun trip and we're all looking forward to it. Especially the seafood buffet. Brooks' favorite.
I trekked to Hayward this morning and my therapist didn't show up. I should have called but I worried that she is never remiss and if there was a family emergency unfolding, the last thing they needed was one of her clients phoning to find out where she was. Turned out we confirmed the appointment via text on our phones and she didn't note the date and time of the appointment in her schedule book - so she forgot. I called her home (a number she gave me ages ago when she was meeting me at her house as she recovered from a broken hip) and she answered and as soon as I said 'this is Majah', the gasped and said 'oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!'.
It's all good - it was a pretty drive and relaxing - singing at the top of my lungs to/from. Got me up and dressed which is also a good thing.
Only four more days of work until Winter Break 2018 commences. We have Cabinet most of Tuesday morning and a holiday potluck celebration on Thursday morning. In years past, we've gone out for an evening - but I'm really glad we're just sticking to staying at work. It's so hard to wedge in a night - and we're all ready to have the holiday commence.
I'm toying with the idea of heading up to Jackson tomorrow for a bit. I haven't been there in ages and I haven't been in front of a slot machine in over two months - I'm due! LOL. I have freeplay and another separate freeplay offer - and it will be a beautiful drive. The hills are greening up and it's very pretty.
I just made the final payment on our cruise - 104 days until we cruise the Panama Canal!
Sunday, December 09, 2018
Chaos, Acceptance & Serenity
Before I jump in to the title subject, I'll share that I already packed up some fragile knickknack items from the living room - ready to label and put in the garage for eventually moving to a storage unit in Carson City. I bought a box of labels - easy peel, stick on that include room names, fragile, etc. -
J. says at the rate I'm going, we won't have anything to do when we're ready to move. We both know that's not true.
We spent time with H. today and we worked on Christmas decorations. H. & J. got the outside taken care of. We all sorted through stuff H. helped us bring down from the rafters and trimmed the tree. Tossed a lot of old, worn ornaments and created a bunch of new donation boxes. When the tree comes down in a few weeks, we're tossing it - it's been well used for years and we're looking forward to picking out a new one next year in Carson City.
We've got the Santa Ladder up (he carries lights and climbs up and down) and the luminary globe that blows 'snow' while a train travels inside the glass round and round. We've still got to get the Santa Ski Slope set up and the train that goes under the tree. We're pulling out all the stops this year - the last Christmas in this house. When we pack all the stuff up again, I'm leaning towards leaving it down and stacked in the garage - more items to move to storage before we put the house up for sale. We've got some repairs we need to make to the ceiling above the storage shelves - water damage from a toilet overflowing. It will need a patch of the the dry wall and a repainting. Adding that to the list of repairs, etc. we need to do.
We were planning to lunch with H. and his sponsor C. - H. is now living with C. and his son. H. came in to the office shortly before we were going to leave to meet C. and H. started talking about things. Trying to 'script' what the conversation was going to be when we were lunching with C. . He asked me not to talk about the 'New Hope' stuff. And I knew. I knew that the story he had crafted and told us about the incident that got him kicked out of the sober living house was bull shit. And over the next 30 minutes, I pulled all of it out of him. In the eyes of Narcotics Anonymous, he relapsed - made a bad choice and smoked weed one day with the guy he carpools with. His roommates were suspicious and went to New Hope and asked for H. to be tested - and he failed. Automatic and immediate expulsion from the sober living house. He crafted a story to cover what he'd done - but is was far fetched from the get-go. It was just a matter of time before it would unravel.
Or before H. unraveled.
Thankfully, he called his sponsor who immediately came to pick him up - and C. offered him a place to stay. We are eternally grateful for that because we wouldn't have let him come here - and without C. stepping in, H. would have been homeless. And would have quite possibly said 'F-it' and used heroin again - and (in H.'s own words) 'I would be dead. Pretty sure that's what would have happened'.
Now, he has to fess up to all the people he lied to for a week. And mostly he has to fess up to himself. Accept that he immediately reverted to his 'old' behaviors - lying, making up a story.
We told him that we won't let him come here anymore if he gets here and then leaves to spend time with friends. I said 'you spent time the Sunday before you relapsed with the same group of people you smoked with all the time - and we're not going to let you come here if you aren't planning to be here to visit with your family, spend time with your pets, do laundry and just enjoy the day. Otherwise, you're here to give yourself access to people you know you shouldn't hang out with - and you know that'. He agreed.
He said that C. (sponsor) said the same things - and that H. has to decide - because going back to the usual story crafting and lying is basically going to lead him down the same path - and that's a path he's determined to stay off of.
I stayed completely calm and told H. that his patterns always repeat - and it is good that he realizes that he has to fess up to the lie(s) and start over. Yes, you have been completely clean and sober from heroin for approaching seven months - that is an awesome and amazing thing and he has every reason to continue to be proud of that. But in the eyes of Narc Anon and your rehab program, you did relapse - and you have to own that. Narc Anon is very strict - and any chemical is a relapse. Period. End of story.
I told H. that it's easy to say 'well, it's just weed'. As a parent of someone addicted to heroin, I think 'well, geez, it's weed. Big deal'. BUT - I am the parent of an addict and I know how it will spiral into other things so easily, he won't even know it's happening until it's closing in on him again. He doesn't want that - I don't want that. J. doesn't want that.
I hope he does what he needs to do - goes to New Hope and confesses that he lied. Acknowledge that his rehab will basically start over - not with 30 days in residential but going to meetings there as often as he can. And sees the guys he lived with to tell them they were right to make an issue that resulted in the test.
He's working 10 hours days from now until the 20th - and as of day after tomorrow, he is a full time Wiley X employee - with benefits and everything! On January 2nd, he is going to move to a night shift - 11:30PM - 8AM Sundays through Thursday - he'll be off on Fridays and Saturdays. He'll get a raise (because he is officially moved to the lense room, which he loves) and a little additional bump for working the night shift.
Next on the list of things to do is try to figure out a way to get him some kind of bank account. And work on him saving a lot - especially the overtime $ he's going to be making.
J. and I. are disappointed and hurt about him reverting to his prior behaviors - it's never fun to realize that once again, he lied. But we're glad that he finally talked it through - realizing that trying to keep the lie going would never work. And that the only way to make it right was to come clean.
I made sure I made the point that he didn't come in here and spill it. It had to be pulled out of him, thing by thing. I told him I'm glad he told me - but I don't want him to tell people 'I told my parents' because that (also) isn't exactly what happened.
Time to live true, H. - it's been a long time coming. We love you.
J. says at the rate I'm going, we won't have anything to do when we're ready to move. We both know that's not true.
We spent time with H. today and we worked on Christmas decorations. H. & J. got the outside taken care of. We all sorted through stuff H. helped us bring down from the rafters and trimmed the tree. Tossed a lot of old, worn ornaments and created a bunch of new donation boxes. When the tree comes down in a few weeks, we're tossing it - it's been well used for years and we're looking forward to picking out a new one next year in Carson City.
We've got the Santa Ladder up (he carries lights and climbs up and down) and the luminary globe that blows 'snow' while a train travels inside the glass round and round. We've still got to get the Santa Ski Slope set up and the train that goes under the tree. We're pulling out all the stops this year - the last Christmas in this house. When we pack all the stuff up again, I'm leaning towards leaving it down and stacked in the garage - more items to move to storage before we put the house up for sale. We've got some repairs we need to make to the ceiling above the storage shelves - water damage from a toilet overflowing. It will need a patch of the the dry wall and a repainting. Adding that to the list of repairs, etc. we need to do.
We were planning to lunch with H. and his sponsor C. - H. is now living with C. and his son. H. came in to the office shortly before we were going to leave to meet C. and H. started talking about things. Trying to 'script' what the conversation was going to be when we were lunching with C. . He asked me not to talk about the 'New Hope' stuff. And I knew. I knew that the story he had crafted and told us about the incident that got him kicked out of the sober living house was bull shit. And over the next 30 minutes, I pulled all of it out of him. In the eyes of Narcotics Anonymous, he relapsed - made a bad choice and smoked weed one day with the guy he carpools with. His roommates were suspicious and went to New Hope and asked for H. to be tested - and he failed. Automatic and immediate expulsion from the sober living house. He crafted a story to cover what he'd done - but is was far fetched from the get-go. It was just a matter of time before it would unravel.
Or before H. unraveled.
Thankfully, he called his sponsor who immediately came to pick him up - and C. offered him a place to stay. We are eternally grateful for that because we wouldn't have let him come here - and without C. stepping in, H. would have been homeless. And would have quite possibly said 'F-it' and used heroin again - and (in H.'s own words) 'I would be dead. Pretty sure that's what would have happened'.
Now, he has to fess up to all the people he lied to for a week. And mostly he has to fess up to himself. Accept that he immediately reverted to his 'old' behaviors - lying, making up a story.
We told him that we won't let him come here anymore if he gets here and then leaves to spend time with friends. I said 'you spent time the Sunday before you relapsed with the same group of people you smoked with all the time - and we're not going to let you come here if you aren't planning to be here to visit with your family, spend time with your pets, do laundry and just enjoy the day. Otherwise, you're here to give yourself access to people you know you shouldn't hang out with - and you know that'. He agreed.
He said that C. (sponsor) said the same things - and that H. has to decide - because going back to the usual story crafting and lying is basically going to lead him down the same path - and that's a path he's determined to stay off of.
I stayed completely calm and told H. that his patterns always repeat - and it is good that he realizes that he has to fess up to the lie(s) and start over. Yes, you have been completely clean and sober from heroin for approaching seven months - that is an awesome and amazing thing and he has every reason to continue to be proud of that. But in the eyes of Narc Anon and your rehab program, you did relapse - and you have to own that. Narc Anon is very strict - and any chemical is a relapse. Period. End of story.
I told H. that it's easy to say 'well, it's just weed'. As a parent of someone addicted to heroin, I think 'well, geez, it's weed. Big deal'. BUT - I am the parent of an addict and I know how it will spiral into other things so easily, he won't even know it's happening until it's closing in on him again. He doesn't want that - I don't want that. J. doesn't want that.
I hope he does what he needs to do - goes to New Hope and confesses that he lied. Acknowledge that his rehab will basically start over - not with 30 days in residential but going to meetings there as often as he can. And sees the guys he lived with to tell them they were right to make an issue that resulted in the test.
He's working 10 hours days from now until the 20th - and as of day after tomorrow, he is a full time Wiley X employee - with benefits and everything! On January 2nd, he is going to move to a night shift - 11:30PM - 8AM Sundays through Thursday - he'll be off on Fridays and Saturdays. He'll get a raise (because he is officially moved to the lense room, which he loves) and a little additional bump for working the night shift.
Next on the list of things to do is try to figure out a way to get him some kind of bank account. And work on him saving a lot - especially the overtime $ he's going to be making.
J. and I. are disappointed and hurt about him reverting to his prior behaviors - it's never fun to realize that once again, he lied. But we're glad that he finally talked it through - realizing that trying to keep the lie going would never work. And that the only way to make it right was to come clean.
I made sure I made the point that he didn't come in here and spill it. It had to be pulled out of him, thing by thing. I told him I'm glad he told me - but I don't want him to tell people 'I told my parents' because that (also) isn't exactly what happened.
Time to live true, H. - it's been a long time coming. We love you.
Sunday, December 02, 2018
Feels Like Orchestrated Chaos
I headed up to bed on Friday grumpy. Saturday was going to include going to Hayward for most of the morning and then having lunch with H. and his sponsor C.. And working....which meant thinking about getting to work for a few hours BEFORE the trip to Hayward and working into the late evening AFTER the lunch with H. and C.. It all felt like way too much - and especially knowing that Sunday would be a full day of work as well. (And it's my second weekend in a row of working so I'm a little behind on feeling like I've had a day off).
Early Saturday morning, my cell phone rang and it was my therapist K. saying that she was pretty sick and knew she was contagious - fever, chills, 'the worst sore throat I've had in my life'. She was cancelling. I had already given up totally on the idea of getting to the office for a few hours before heading to Hayward - so I lingered a bit at home. Before I left for work, H. confirmed that C. son had car trouble, was pulled over on the side of a road and needed help - so lunch was off.
Just like that, a mostly normal day of work.
We've had quite a bit of kid drama this week. It's been a reminder that parenting doesn't stop and it's possible that BOOM! sort of feeling contributed to my sense of overwhelm.
The beautiful lady who B. was seeing pulled a 360 on him - they went to dinner last Sunday and while I'm still a little fuzzy on all that happened, suffice it to say it was a hard dinner. B. realized that she was still dating someone he was under the impression she had stopped seeing. On Monday, he said she texted him that she was going to stop seeing the other guy. On Wednesday, she texted him that there was a lot of stuff going on at home and work, she was feeling very stressed and needed to 'take a break'. B. was (appropriately) upset - and said (inserting another fun, smiley, clearly smitten picture of the two of them from the Winter Ball) 'how do you go from this to 'need a break' in the span of a week?
I tried to encourage B. to accept what she was asking for - a break. She didn't say she never wanted to see him again; didn't say anything other than 'a lot of things happening at home and work' - so accept that she needs/wants some space. He wasn't really good on that score - and I had to remind myself that I didn't know all the 'other' pieces of the puzzle that B. might.
He said (to me) on Friday 'I'm really not interested in talking to her, Mom'. This in response to me suggesting he let her know that he was headed out for 10 days of 'off the grid' maneuvers. He said 'she knows when I'm going on my training exercise, Mom, and I don't want to talk to her. Might not be the noblest of responses, but it's what I think I need to do'.
I do give him credit for living according to his convictions.
B. (girl B.) did reach out to son B. before he left - said she hoped he had a good week. He asked how she was doing and she said 'there's just a lot going on' and he said 'OK'. At least he inquired to confirm he cares about her and glad she inquired of him to confirm the same.
Who knows how this will all turn out. I certainly don't.
H. is now living with his sponsor - and yes, there was something that happened that necessitated that change - but it's something C. (sponsor) had been offering and suggesting to H. for a while. It's a better arrangement for H. - though it does add some complexity to him getting to/from meetings and follow-up care at New Hope. To add to the extreme stress (of all of us), he was offered a new job at WileyX - he's working in the lens room using lasers to cut the lenses. The shift starts at 6 and ends at 2:30 - and that schedule didn't work with commuting with C. (who also works at Wiley X). Luckily, the other person working in the lens room also lives in Modesto so H. is carpooling with him.
And as if all that wasn't enough change, Wiley X is doing a month of mandatory overtime that will have H. reporting to work at 4AM everyday - from now until Christmas. Luckily, the person H. commutes with will also have to work that shift - so H. still has a ride.
H. thinks he will be off for two weeks for Christmas and New Years and if that's true, he is going to spend a day or two taking care of the issues he has in San Mateo. He needs to get the warrant resolved - because if the people he rides with get pulled over, H. is going to jail - and he needs to get the warrant 'closed' so that won't happen.
I've got a massive report due to the Board in a week and while I made good progress this weekend, I feel way, way behind. I'm planning to close my office door, close the window blind and put on my ear buds and toil away all day tomorrow - because I have a massive amount of (other) Board prep to do as well.
I have a lot of moments these days when I feel like I can't keep track of everything - I'm making stupid mistakes that take a ton of time to fix - and it makes me worry that I'm going to make a huge mistake any my legacy will be 'she's the CBO who made such a huge error right before she retired that the district was in financial peril'. I know the odds are not likely but...it's how I feel. On top of all the stuff at home and all the regular stuff at work, I'm also trying (mostly in vain, it feels like) to create documentation, process and procedures for the incoming CBO - it feels pretty impossible but I'm trying. At least I'm somewhat relieved to confirm that there is absolutely no way there will be someone in my role when we come back after Winter Break - and it's looking more like February or March. My boss has decided to go out using a search firm which will lengthen the process a bit but will likely result in someone with more experience and up to the tasks.
Assuming March, I'll have four weeks that month, off for close to three weeks in April for our cruise and then back just in time to work on budget with the new person. Ten weeks after returning from the cruise, I'll be packing up. Seven months will zoom by - I'm sure of that.
Tomorrow, we conference with the builder - the new floor plan is awesome but still has some oddities that we need to fix. But it is much more appropriate for the shape of the lot and we love how it's looking so far!
Early Saturday morning, my cell phone rang and it was my therapist K. saying that she was pretty sick and knew she was contagious - fever, chills, 'the worst sore throat I've had in my life'. She was cancelling. I had already given up totally on the idea of getting to the office for a few hours before heading to Hayward - so I lingered a bit at home. Before I left for work, H. confirmed that C. son had car trouble, was pulled over on the side of a road and needed help - so lunch was off.
Just like that, a mostly normal day of work.
We've had quite a bit of kid drama this week. It's been a reminder that parenting doesn't stop and it's possible that BOOM! sort of feeling contributed to my sense of overwhelm.
The beautiful lady who B. was seeing pulled a 360 on him - they went to dinner last Sunday and while I'm still a little fuzzy on all that happened, suffice it to say it was a hard dinner. B. realized that she was still dating someone he was under the impression she had stopped seeing. On Monday, he said she texted him that she was going to stop seeing the other guy. On Wednesday, she texted him that there was a lot of stuff going on at home and work, she was feeling very stressed and needed to 'take a break'. B. was (appropriately) upset - and said (inserting another fun, smiley, clearly smitten picture of the two of them from the Winter Ball) 'how do you go from this to 'need a break' in the span of a week?
I tried to encourage B. to accept what she was asking for - a break. She didn't say she never wanted to see him again; didn't say anything other than 'a lot of things happening at home and work' - so accept that she needs/wants some space. He wasn't really good on that score - and I had to remind myself that I didn't know all the 'other' pieces of the puzzle that B. might.
He said (to me) on Friday 'I'm really not interested in talking to her, Mom'. This in response to me suggesting he let her know that he was headed out for 10 days of 'off the grid' maneuvers. He said 'she knows when I'm going on my training exercise, Mom, and I don't want to talk to her. Might not be the noblest of responses, but it's what I think I need to do'.
I do give him credit for living according to his convictions.
B. (girl B.) did reach out to son B. before he left - said she hoped he had a good week. He asked how she was doing and she said 'there's just a lot going on' and he said 'OK'. At least he inquired to confirm he cares about her and glad she inquired of him to confirm the same.
Who knows how this will all turn out. I certainly don't.
H. is now living with his sponsor - and yes, there was something that happened that necessitated that change - but it's something C. (sponsor) had been offering and suggesting to H. for a while. It's a better arrangement for H. - though it does add some complexity to him getting to/from meetings and follow-up care at New Hope. To add to the extreme stress (of all of us), he was offered a new job at WileyX - he's working in the lens room using lasers to cut the lenses. The shift starts at 6 and ends at 2:30 - and that schedule didn't work with commuting with C. (who also works at Wiley X). Luckily, the other person working in the lens room also lives in Modesto so H. is carpooling with him.
And as if all that wasn't enough change, Wiley X is doing a month of mandatory overtime that will have H. reporting to work at 4AM everyday - from now until Christmas. Luckily, the person H. commutes with will also have to work that shift - so H. still has a ride.
H. thinks he will be off for two weeks for Christmas and New Years and if that's true, he is going to spend a day or two taking care of the issues he has in San Mateo. He needs to get the warrant resolved - because if the people he rides with get pulled over, H. is going to jail - and he needs to get the warrant 'closed' so that won't happen.
I've got a massive report due to the Board in a week and while I made good progress this weekend, I feel way, way behind. I'm planning to close my office door, close the window blind and put on my ear buds and toil away all day tomorrow - because I have a massive amount of (other) Board prep to do as well.
I have a lot of moments these days when I feel like I can't keep track of everything - I'm making stupid mistakes that take a ton of time to fix - and it makes me worry that I'm going to make a huge mistake any my legacy will be 'she's the CBO who made such a huge error right before she retired that the district was in financial peril'. I know the odds are not likely but...it's how I feel. On top of all the stuff at home and all the regular stuff at work, I'm also trying (mostly in vain, it feels like) to create documentation, process and procedures for the incoming CBO - it feels pretty impossible but I'm trying. At least I'm somewhat relieved to confirm that there is absolutely no way there will be someone in my role when we come back after Winter Break - and it's looking more like February or March. My boss has decided to go out using a search firm which will lengthen the process a bit but will likely result in someone with more experience and up to the tasks.
Assuming March, I'll have four weeks that month, off for close to three weeks in April for our cruise and then back just in time to work on budget with the new person. Ten weeks after returning from the cruise, I'll be packing up. Seven months will zoom by - I'm sure of that.
Tomorrow, we conference with the builder - the new floor plan is awesome but still has some oddities that we need to fix. But it is much more appropriate for the shape of the lot and we love how it's looking so far!
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
B&B
Brooks sent this photo via Facebook messenger earlier this evening.
The two of them were at the base's Winter Ball.
A little bit ago, another message - this one from B. (B.'s girlfriend). She said 'this is B. on B.'s phone' and carried on a wonderfully sweet 'conversation' with me. Complimenting us because B. is 'such a gentleman' and 'so proud of him - he is such a great soldier and it's not easy'. When I thought she couldn't be any sweeter, she asked B. to ask if it would be OK to Facetime - so we had a video chat as well. She said 'we just Facetimed my Mom so I wanted to Facetime with you, too'.
I think she's a keeper. I really do. And to that end, I will be praying non stop - what will be will be but I truly don't know many young women who are thoughtful enough to WANT to meet his parents, even across many miles. Warmed my heart.
Very sweet young lady and she's a treasure.
The two of them seem to be mutually each other's biggest fan and it's so sweet to see that. And to get to 'know' her is so wonderful.
B. (son B.) when you see this, if you want me to take it down, I will. But....I hope it's here for years to come. Because I promise you I will never forget the sweetness of meeting her this evening.
The two of them were at the base's Winter Ball.
A little bit ago, another message - this one from B. (B.'s girlfriend). She said 'this is B. on B.'s phone' and carried on a wonderfully sweet 'conversation' with me. Complimenting us because B. is 'such a gentleman' and 'so proud of him - he is such a great soldier and it's not easy'. When I thought she couldn't be any sweeter, she asked B. to ask if it would be OK to Facetime - so we had a video chat as well. She said 'we just Facetimed my Mom so I wanted to Facetime with you, too'.
I think she's a keeper. I really do. And to that end, I will be praying non stop - what will be will be but I truly don't know many young women who are thoughtful enough to WANT to meet his parents, even across many miles. Warmed my heart.
Very sweet young lady and she's a treasure.
The two of them seem to be mutually each other's biggest fan and it's so sweet to see that. And to get to 'know' her is so wonderful.
B. (son B.) when you see this, if you want me to take it down, I will. But....I hope it's here for years to come. Because I promise you I will never forget the sweetness of meeting her this evening.
Saturday, November 17, 2018
Air Quality
Having lived in the Los Angeles area in the 80's, I'm familiar with smog. Never really bothered me much.
What we are experiencing here now as a result of the Camp Fire and the fires in Southern California is unlike anything we've seen ever. By mid afternoon yesterday, the air quality in Tracy was the worst by far than anywhere else in a 200 mile radius. Burned my eyes and created a super sore throat and congestion. It was a hard day - our district kept kids in school (like our neighboring district did) primarily because we had kids inside. Even took their lunches to their classrooms - but folks weren't necessary happy about that decision. By the time the particulate matter was shockingly high, we were within a couple hours of school being out - so why try to arrange for early pickups, etc.. We are a commuter town and on a Friday afternoon, the last thing any parent commuting from the Bay Area to Tracy wants to hear is 'you need to come pick up your child ASAP'. Especially on a holiday week eve.
Long day - felt bad for my boss and my friend (his assistant) who spent the day fielding hostile phone calls and terse emails.
The tragedy in Paradise, CA is something we will remember for the rest of our lives - much like we still remember the Oakland fire. Still 1,000 people unaccounted for and while we all certainly hope many are relocated and don't realize they are being counted as missing, it's very likely the death toll will continue to climb.
My new assistant's cousin lives in Paradise - and by some miracle, her house is the only house still standing on an entire street of one neighborhood.
The guy in the Oval Office's latest ridiculous comments are 'the debris in the forests on the ground needs to be raked up often'. Yeah. He really said that. J. watched Air Force One land at Beal Airbase and we chuckled as we said 'wonder if he's bringing rakes'?
I am technically off work until Monday, 11/26 - but I do plan to work two days at some point - and I will. Just not sure when. We're staying inside as much as we possibly can and today being the first day off for me, I'm being a little lazy.
I was sitting at my desk and saw what I thought looked like a tail scooting across the potting bench outside the window. I told J. 'I think I saw a mouse' and just then, I see the smallest tiny head with huge ears. Teeny, tiny baby mouse skittering about. Really cute.
We're calling our pest control company to set closed traps - because we have pets so sticky traps are out and poison is out, too - and I told J. 'pay whatever we have to pay'. We've been hearing odd sounds in the study and the last time we had an infestation was also approaching Thanksgiving. I want them out - cute when they are super little and not so cute any other time.
H. is coming over tomorrow and we're happy to have his help. We're making space in the garage to start stacking some boxes that we've packed up - mostly books, DVDs, etc. .
We heard that the builder received the floor plan back from the draftsman but sent it back again for further update. They hope to have it for us next week. Fingers crossed.
I let the Board of Trustees know on Tuesday evening that I will be retiring at the end of this school year. The next morning, I told my team and then went building to building telling the district office staff. Shortly after that, I sent out a mass email - and spent the next three hours answering emails. The Board members were shocked and sad and a couple of them said 'no, please don't tell us this'. I said I had to. Someone suggested I could commute in a helicopter. I smiled and said 'that's a great idea but not likely'. They are very kind.
HR posted the position the same day and we already have one applicant. Looks OK on paper so we'll see.
Things will move very quickly now - holidays are upon us and before we know it, it will be January. I'll be counting down only six months at that point -
It's going to be a wild, crazy year ahead.
What we are experiencing here now as a result of the Camp Fire and the fires in Southern California is unlike anything we've seen ever. By mid afternoon yesterday, the air quality in Tracy was the worst by far than anywhere else in a 200 mile radius. Burned my eyes and created a super sore throat and congestion. It was a hard day - our district kept kids in school (like our neighboring district did) primarily because we had kids inside. Even took their lunches to their classrooms - but folks weren't necessary happy about that decision. By the time the particulate matter was shockingly high, we were within a couple hours of school being out - so why try to arrange for early pickups, etc.. We are a commuter town and on a Friday afternoon, the last thing any parent commuting from the Bay Area to Tracy wants to hear is 'you need to come pick up your child ASAP'. Especially on a holiday week eve.
Long day - felt bad for my boss and my friend (his assistant) who spent the day fielding hostile phone calls and terse emails.
The tragedy in Paradise, CA is something we will remember for the rest of our lives - much like we still remember the Oakland fire. Still 1,000 people unaccounted for and while we all certainly hope many are relocated and don't realize they are being counted as missing, it's very likely the death toll will continue to climb.
My new assistant's cousin lives in Paradise - and by some miracle, her house is the only house still standing on an entire street of one neighborhood.
The guy in the Oval Office's latest ridiculous comments are 'the debris in the forests on the ground needs to be raked up often'. Yeah. He really said that. J. watched Air Force One land at Beal Airbase and we chuckled as we said 'wonder if he's bringing rakes'?
I am technically off work until Monday, 11/26 - but I do plan to work two days at some point - and I will. Just not sure when. We're staying inside as much as we possibly can and today being the first day off for me, I'm being a little lazy.
I was sitting at my desk and saw what I thought looked like a tail scooting across the potting bench outside the window. I told J. 'I think I saw a mouse' and just then, I see the smallest tiny head with huge ears. Teeny, tiny baby mouse skittering about. Really cute.
We're calling our pest control company to set closed traps - because we have pets so sticky traps are out and poison is out, too - and I told J. 'pay whatever we have to pay'. We've been hearing odd sounds in the study and the last time we had an infestation was also approaching Thanksgiving. I want them out - cute when they are super little and not so cute any other time.
H. is coming over tomorrow and we're happy to have his help. We're making space in the garage to start stacking some boxes that we've packed up - mostly books, DVDs, etc. .
We heard that the builder received the floor plan back from the draftsman but sent it back again for further update. They hope to have it for us next week. Fingers crossed.
I let the Board of Trustees know on Tuesday evening that I will be retiring at the end of this school year. The next morning, I told my team and then went building to building telling the district office staff. Shortly after that, I sent out a mass email - and spent the next three hours answering emails. The Board members were shocked and sad and a couple of them said 'no, please don't tell us this'. I said I had to. Someone suggested I could commute in a helicopter. I smiled and said 'that's a great idea but not likely'. They are very kind.
HR posted the position the same day and we already have one applicant. Looks OK on paper so we'll see.
Things will move very quickly now - holidays are upon us and before we know it, it will be January. I'll be counting down only six months at that point -
It's going to be a wild, crazy year ahead.
Sunday, November 11, 2018
Dresses
We're attending an anniversary party in January for our dear friends R. & C. . R. is the person who attends concerts with J. on a regular basis. They live in Livermore and we've been friends forever. R. & J. have been friends longer 'cuz they were in a band together - the band they still had when I met J.. A lot of our 'dates' were me attending gigs. R. & C. are two of the sweetest people on the planet and I'm looking forward to their celebration.
I decided I wanted to try to find a dress to wear - and I never wear dresses. Mostly because I don't wear open toed shoes ever and it's hard to find flats to go with a dress. I'm also short so most dresses are just so long on me.
I ordered a dress from J. Crew and it fits! But today, I went to the website and they are having a huge sale - so I got two additional dresses for the price I paid for the one. I think I'm going to return the dress/shoes/tights I purchased and hopefully the two new dresses will fit as well. Fingers crossed. Then I'll have to find shoes and hose to wear.
And the great thing is: I can wear the dresses on our cruise for our fancy dinners out. It will be nice to dress up a bit in the evening once in a while.
We have sun today which is nice. Yesterday was a completely smoke-filled sky - but it's clearing up.
The guy calling himself President tweeted yesterday that we (California) have to do a better job of managing our fires or risk Federal disaster relief funding. Pointed the finger at horrible forestry management. Seriously. Most of the forest in our State is Federal forest. And what exactly are we expected to do to do a better job? Really. Blame us for wild fires.
While denying climate change.
Malignant narcissist is the only term I can think of - the man is such a shell of a human being.
J. just left to pick up H. . We're going to work on sorting books and other tasks on our list. I have to give J. credit that he tried to get me moving yesterday but my trip to Hayward takes 4 hours out of the day - and I was ready for some downtime. Though I did work on my desk a bit. More of that today.
We spent some time working on culling through our DVDs and books. Box for donation and boxes packed up and labeled 'To CC' with a number. I envision huge stacks of those boxes in the coming months. We're having conversations about the pros and cons of spending money to rent storage vs. just leaving the boxes in the garage.
I just know the house will sell more quickly and for more money if it's virtually empty.
We're also getting some linens together to donate to the fire victims up here. Neighborhood is collecting things and/or we can ship them up there. We have lots of things we were planning to donate to Goodwill but we'd rather give it to people who need it -
So excited tomorrow is another day off and I'm meeting a retired friend for breakfast in the morning - she and her hubby are traveling all over the US in their motor home and she's only in town for a couple days - looking forward to seeing her.
I decided I wanted to try to find a dress to wear - and I never wear dresses. Mostly because I don't wear open toed shoes ever and it's hard to find flats to go with a dress. I'm also short so most dresses are just so long on me.
I ordered a dress from J. Crew and it fits! But today, I went to the website and they are having a huge sale - so I got two additional dresses for the price I paid for the one. I think I'm going to return the dress/shoes/tights I purchased and hopefully the two new dresses will fit as well. Fingers crossed. Then I'll have to find shoes and hose to wear.
And the great thing is: I can wear the dresses on our cruise for our fancy dinners out. It will be nice to dress up a bit in the evening once in a while.
We have sun today which is nice. Yesterday was a completely smoke-filled sky - but it's clearing up.
The guy calling himself President tweeted yesterday that we (California) have to do a better job of managing our fires or risk Federal disaster relief funding. Pointed the finger at horrible forestry management. Seriously. Most of the forest in our State is Federal forest. And what exactly are we expected to do to do a better job? Really. Blame us for wild fires.
While denying climate change.
Malignant narcissist is the only term I can think of - the man is such a shell of a human being.
J. just left to pick up H. . We're going to work on sorting books and other tasks on our list. I have to give J. credit that he tried to get me moving yesterday but my trip to Hayward takes 4 hours out of the day - and I was ready for some downtime. Though I did work on my desk a bit. More of that today.
We spent some time working on culling through our DVDs and books. Box for donation and boxes packed up and labeled 'To CC' with a number. I envision huge stacks of those boxes in the coming months. We're having conversations about the pros and cons of spending money to rent storage vs. just leaving the boxes in the garage.
I just know the house will sell more quickly and for more money if it's virtually empty.
We're also getting some linens together to donate to the fire victims up here. Neighborhood is collecting things and/or we can ship them up there. We have lots of things we were planning to donate to Goodwill but we'd rather give it to people who need it -
So excited tomorrow is another day off and I'm meeting a retired friend for breakfast in the morning - she and her hubby are traveling all over the US in their motor home and she's only in town for a couple days - looking forward to seeing her.
Friday, November 09, 2018
Three Day Weekend Eve
Woo hoo!! It's Friday!
B. texted both J. and I yesterday morning - apologized for going off the grid without letting us know. He'd been out in the field since Monday morning. He'd been wanting a break from Facebook and then thinks his account got hacked - so he just suspended the account until he could fix it and was ready to be back online. He says he gets tired of the endless 'notifications'. I reminded him (he called me later that day) that you can turn those off. We'll see. Hopefully, he will reactivate 'cuz it's a way to stay in touch across many miles.
B. had some good perspective on the H. concerns I shared in the last post. (I was glad he had read the blog only I often forget that he does. He had asked me how H. was and I gave my usual, fairly vague 'oh, he's doing OK' answer....until he said 'Mom, I read your blog'. Oh. OK.
B. said that when he was younger, he'd often just not tell me stuff 'cuz he knew my reaction to it wouldn't be good and then he'd feel a lot of guilt. So he just stopped sharing much. And in defense of H., I acknowledge that I have no idea where he went last week. And I have no proof that he didn't go where he said he did, though I have some clues that lead me to believe he may not have. Maybe the 'answer' is as simple as 'tell me you're heading out to spend time with a friend or friends, what time you plan to be picked up from here, what time you anticipate being home and stick to that?
I told B. 'maybe he's going to the smoke shop for cigarettes, etc. - who knows'? And H. knows I don't want him to smoke so that's reason enough to not say anything about that.
B. said 'unless you think he's using again, Mom'. And I said I truly didn't think that was an issue...though there's plenty of historical evidence that I'm largely clueless about those kind of activities anyway? So maybe. But I truly don't think so. He has a lot of other people in his life and home that keep him accountable on that score -
H. is coming over on Sunday and we'll have some conversation about the concerns and come up with an agreeable plan.
Every ounce of my being is praying that he's not spending time with R. . I don't think I could handle that development at all. Really. Ever.
I am trekking to Hayward tomorrow to see my therapist. I had to cancel one appointment for my trip to Reno a few weeks ago. Cancelled last weekend 'cuz I had a nasty stomach thing happening. But I'm due. Overdue. Millions of swirling thoughts in my head and it's time to let some of them out.
It is officially getting cold. The sky tonight is overcast with smoke - fires to the south and north of us and the sky shows it. It was 62 degrees at 4PM when I left work - so it's going to be pretty cold tonight. The cats still go out in the morning, but they don't stay out long. Sort of look at me like 'wait, what happened'? Stay out a matter of minutes these days vs. the long haul disappearing they do in the Spring & Summer.
I hope to wedge in time to go to the movies and see the Nutcracker movie. I haven't been in a movie theater since the last Twilight movie, I think? Long time.
I might head to the office for a bit on Monday - though I pulled everything together this week and finished today super strong. Three huge audit items our auditors requested sent off at the end of the day. Massive amount of Board prep also finished today. It was a good, productive week and I need more of the same next week.
I'm trying to be mostly off the week of Thanksgiving - we are hosting H. and his sponsor and a couple other friends for dinner that day. I plan to make all the side dishes in advance on Wednesday and have them ready to warm in the oven when the turkey comes out. We'll have a lot of shopping to do to get ready for cooking for a group.
J. went to the gathering at 5PM yesterday in response to Trump firing Sessions and appointing some bozo as the 'interim' Attorney General. Many people think it's unconstitutional - us included - and there were demonstrations all over the country to voice those sentiments. He had his picture taken and wow! He looks great - his weight loss really shows! He sent the pic to B. - and B. immediately called and said 'Dad, you look GREAT - you've lost so much weight'. J. had planned to surprise B. when he comes for Christmas but it was great to give B. a preview. J. is really sticking to his plan and it's working!!
I've made a to-do list for home this weekend and just like this week at work, I plan to work on things on the list and get things done.
Tomorrow is an early wake up - but at least I can sleep in an hour or so - and then 2 days of no alarm which will be much appreciated.
B. texted both J. and I yesterday morning - apologized for going off the grid without letting us know. He'd been out in the field since Monday morning. He'd been wanting a break from Facebook and then thinks his account got hacked - so he just suspended the account until he could fix it and was ready to be back online. He says he gets tired of the endless 'notifications'. I reminded him (he called me later that day) that you can turn those off. We'll see. Hopefully, he will reactivate 'cuz it's a way to stay in touch across many miles.
B. had some good perspective on the H. concerns I shared in the last post. (I was glad he had read the blog only I often forget that he does. He had asked me how H. was and I gave my usual, fairly vague 'oh, he's doing OK' answer....until he said 'Mom, I read your blog'. Oh. OK.
B. said that when he was younger, he'd often just not tell me stuff 'cuz he knew my reaction to it wouldn't be good and then he'd feel a lot of guilt. So he just stopped sharing much. And in defense of H., I acknowledge that I have no idea where he went last week. And I have no proof that he didn't go where he said he did, though I have some clues that lead me to believe he may not have. Maybe the 'answer' is as simple as 'tell me you're heading out to spend time with a friend or friends, what time you plan to be picked up from here, what time you anticipate being home and stick to that?
I told B. 'maybe he's going to the smoke shop for cigarettes, etc. - who knows'? And H. knows I don't want him to smoke so that's reason enough to not say anything about that.
B. said 'unless you think he's using again, Mom'. And I said I truly didn't think that was an issue...though there's plenty of historical evidence that I'm largely clueless about those kind of activities anyway? So maybe. But I truly don't think so. He has a lot of other people in his life and home that keep him accountable on that score -
H. is coming over on Sunday and we'll have some conversation about the concerns and come up with an agreeable plan.
Every ounce of my being is praying that he's not spending time with R. . I don't think I could handle that development at all. Really. Ever.
I am trekking to Hayward tomorrow to see my therapist. I had to cancel one appointment for my trip to Reno a few weeks ago. Cancelled last weekend 'cuz I had a nasty stomach thing happening. But I'm due. Overdue. Millions of swirling thoughts in my head and it's time to let some of them out.
It is officially getting cold. The sky tonight is overcast with smoke - fires to the south and north of us and the sky shows it. It was 62 degrees at 4PM when I left work - so it's going to be pretty cold tonight. The cats still go out in the morning, but they don't stay out long. Sort of look at me like 'wait, what happened'? Stay out a matter of minutes these days vs. the long haul disappearing they do in the Spring & Summer.
I hope to wedge in time to go to the movies and see the Nutcracker movie. I haven't been in a movie theater since the last Twilight movie, I think? Long time.
I might head to the office for a bit on Monday - though I pulled everything together this week and finished today super strong. Three huge audit items our auditors requested sent off at the end of the day. Massive amount of Board prep also finished today. It was a good, productive week and I need more of the same next week.
I'm trying to be mostly off the week of Thanksgiving - we are hosting H. and his sponsor and a couple other friends for dinner that day. I plan to make all the side dishes in advance on Wednesday and have them ready to warm in the oven when the turkey comes out. We'll have a lot of shopping to do to get ready for cooking for a group.
J. went to the gathering at 5PM yesterday in response to Trump firing Sessions and appointing some bozo as the 'interim' Attorney General. Many people think it's unconstitutional - us included - and there were demonstrations all over the country to voice those sentiments. He had his picture taken and wow! He looks great - his weight loss really shows! He sent the pic to B. - and B. immediately called and said 'Dad, you look GREAT - you've lost so much weight'. J. had planned to surprise B. when he comes for Christmas but it was great to give B. a preview. J. is really sticking to his plan and it's working!!
I've made a to-do list for home this weekend and just like this week at work, I plan to work on things on the list and get things done.
Tomorrow is an early wake up - but at least I can sleep in an hour or so - and then 2 days of no alarm which will be much appreciated.
Tuesday, November 06, 2018
Awaiting Results
Spending the early evening watching the election returns....feeling like I'm barely breathing as I watch the blue vs. red results.
I haven't commented much in the two years since the guy being called the President of our country was elected - really, I can't even bring myself to call him Mr. President. Never. If I were forced to meet him, I would call him Mr. Trump - and I'd be shamed for the lack of respect I was showing our country's highest office.
I'm not sure if the fact that an appalling man is in that office is the worst? Or is it that people in America do actually seem to think he is worthy of the office.
Clearly, our country is greatly divided. It's hard to see what we've become.
Son #1 has gone 'dark'. He's been off Facebook for a couple days - and I'm not talking about his green light being 'off' and the 'clock' of the last time he was on timing out. He has suspended his Facebook profile - he no longer exists in Facebook. His phone goes straight to voicemail. Texts, Facebook messages, emails and phone calls are being unreturned. He messaged me on Facebook Friday morning and I messaged back - and then he went off Facebook.
I have had some moments when I'm incredibly worried about him. I've had him on my mind and heart so much the past couple weeks - a post on that at some point - it's like God is telling me to be tuned in to him? So I'm worried. But I remind myself he's in the Army. If he fails to show up every morning and isn't out sick, they go look for him. If he calls in sick for multiple days, they go check on him. He must be OK because it's Tuesday and we haven't received any call that he's not OK.
Trying to remember if he told us he was 'going dark' for some maneuvers or something? Not sure. Don't think so - if that had been the case, I think his Friday morning message would have been a reminder that 'hey, I'm going offline for a bit'.
Hope we hear from him soon.
Son #2....well, it's hard. Reasonably sure that he's been misrepresenting his activities when he tells us on the Sundays he's visiting 'I'm going to K's house'. He's not going there. We don't know where he's going. I've spent the past couple weeks with my mom radar on high alert and telling him repeatedly 'it's none of our business who you spend time with - but lying about what you are doing has long been an issue and will always be an issue'. He says he's not lying. But...I think he has. That's a violation of a lot of the '12 steps' and is a red flag to me that his behavior isn't matching his plan to be straight with people. And most importantly to BE AND STAY STRAIGHT with himself. I worry. He's off lately. Not as sure of himself as he was. Not as happy and bright and shiny about his sobriety as he was. I know - it's a hard road and so bumps happen. But...I know my son. And his bumps aren't really bumps. They are full on sink holes that suck him and all the people around him down....
I can't go there again. If I'm right and he's been lying, then for me, I will tell him calmly and clearly 'you are sabotaging your relationship with me and that makes me feel sad. But I am true to myself, H. - in all things I do, I live true to ME - and I can't keep allowing you to disrespect me by lying to me. You don't appear to want a relationship with me though you say you do - and your actions continue to confirm that'.
It's a hard conversation to have with your adult son but it's what needs to happen. And then the next hardest (actually even harder) step - getting J. on board with a very clear pulling back from H. . He won't visit here anymore - because we won't allow him to be here when he is lying about what he's doing when he says he's going out for a bit. He will miss having a little privacy now and then. Sharing a house with 6 other people doesn't provide any quiet time or 'me' time. He will miss having a place to do laundry, make a meal, visit with family and help out a bit now and then, which his aging parents greatly appreciate. None of those things will happen anymore under this roof. And J. will trek to Modesto to see him once in a while - I will too, most likely - but weekly contact will cease.
And if I'm right, I will personally call his first counselor W. (who H. says 'saved my life') and tell him 'W., he's lying. He denies he's lying but he is lying. And we can't continue to invite him over here under those circumstances'.
I told Cabinet that I'm retiring at the end of this school year - there were sad faces around the table which was touching. We are a great team and it's hard to leave these folks - but...I am. Insert a gazillion smiley face emojis.
This time next week, our Board will be told and then it will be announced to the general public on the following Wednesday. It's a lot of carefully coordinated steps. It's hard. And happy at the same time.
We emailed the realtor to remind her that we'd conferenced with the builder two weeks ago and are still waiting to see the revised floor plan. We feel very out in limbo and often feel somewhat irritated about the process - but we remind ourselves it's 38 homes, all semi-custom and definitely a lot of moving parts. In our email, we shared some of the dates and events - to remind that I've announced my retirement and in the event our house isn't ready by sometime in July, I will have resigned my job too early and lost the opportunity to earn a couple more months of compensation and have healthcare.
Then I remind myself 'who gives a crap? ' We can afford for me to not work. Period. End of story. So it doesn't matter. And it might be pretty great to have a couple weeks of getting in some sleep.
I'm wiped out and have felt that way for a long, long time.
I haven't commented much in the two years since the guy being called the President of our country was elected - really, I can't even bring myself to call him Mr. President. Never. If I were forced to meet him, I would call him Mr. Trump - and I'd be shamed for the lack of respect I was showing our country's highest office.
I'm not sure if the fact that an appalling man is in that office is the worst? Or is it that people in America do actually seem to think he is worthy of the office.
Clearly, our country is greatly divided. It's hard to see what we've become.
Son #1 has gone 'dark'. He's been off Facebook for a couple days - and I'm not talking about his green light being 'off' and the 'clock' of the last time he was on timing out. He has suspended his Facebook profile - he no longer exists in Facebook. His phone goes straight to voicemail. Texts, Facebook messages, emails and phone calls are being unreturned. He messaged me on Facebook Friday morning and I messaged back - and then he went off Facebook.
I have had some moments when I'm incredibly worried about him. I've had him on my mind and heart so much the past couple weeks - a post on that at some point - it's like God is telling me to be tuned in to him? So I'm worried. But I remind myself he's in the Army. If he fails to show up every morning and isn't out sick, they go look for him. If he calls in sick for multiple days, they go check on him. He must be OK because it's Tuesday and we haven't received any call that he's not OK.
Trying to remember if he told us he was 'going dark' for some maneuvers or something? Not sure. Don't think so - if that had been the case, I think his Friday morning message would have been a reminder that 'hey, I'm going offline for a bit'.
Hope we hear from him soon.
Son #2....well, it's hard. Reasonably sure that he's been misrepresenting his activities when he tells us on the Sundays he's visiting 'I'm going to K's house'. He's not going there. We don't know where he's going. I've spent the past couple weeks with my mom radar on high alert and telling him repeatedly 'it's none of our business who you spend time with - but lying about what you are doing has long been an issue and will always be an issue'. He says he's not lying. But...I think he has. That's a violation of a lot of the '12 steps' and is a red flag to me that his behavior isn't matching his plan to be straight with people. And most importantly to BE AND STAY STRAIGHT with himself. I worry. He's off lately. Not as sure of himself as he was. Not as happy and bright and shiny about his sobriety as he was. I know - it's a hard road and so bumps happen. But...I know my son. And his bumps aren't really bumps. They are full on sink holes that suck him and all the people around him down....
I can't go there again. If I'm right and he's been lying, then for me, I will tell him calmly and clearly 'you are sabotaging your relationship with me and that makes me feel sad. But I am true to myself, H. - in all things I do, I live true to ME - and I can't keep allowing you to disrespect me by lying to me. You don't appear to want a relationship with me though you say you do - and your actions continue to confirm that'.
It's a hard conversation to have with your adult son but it's what needs to happen. And then the next hardest (actually even harder) step - getting J. on board with a very clear pulling back from H. . He won't visit here anymore - because we won't allow him to be here when he is lying about what he's doing when he says he's going out for a bit. He will miss having a little privacy now and then. Sharing a house with 6 other people doesn't provide any quiet time or 'me' time. He will miss having a place to do laundry, make a meal, visit with family and help out a bit now and then, which his aging parents greatly appreciate. None of those things will happen anymore under this roof. And J. will trek to Modesto to see him once in a while - I will too, most likely - but weekly contact will cease.
And if I'm right, I will personally call his first counselor W. (who H. says 'saved my life') and tell him 'W., he's lying. He denies he's lying but he is lying. And we can't continue to invite him over here under those circumstances'.
I told Cabinet that I'm retiring at the end of this school year - there were sad faces around the table which was touching. We are a great team and it's hard to leave these folks - but...I am. Insert a gazillion smiley face emojis.
This time next week, our Board will be told and then it will be announced to the general public on the following Wednesday. It's a lot of carefully coordinated steps. It's hard. And happy at the same time.
We emailed the realtor to remind her that we'd conferenced with the builder two weeks ago and are still waiting to see the revised floor plan. We feel very out in limbo and often feel somewhat irritated about the process - but we remind ourselves it's 38 homes, all semi-custom and definitely a lot of moving parts. In our email, we shared some of the dates and events - to remind that I've announced my retirement and in the event our house isn't ready by sometime in July, I will have resigned my job too early and lost the opportunity to earn a couple more months of compensation and have healthcare.
Then I remind myself 'who gives a crap? ' We can afford for me to not work. Period. End of story. So it doesn't matter. And it might be pretty great to have a couple weeks of getting in some sleep.
I'm wiped out and have felt that way for a long, long time.
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Quick Trip Up and Back
Atlantis enticed me with some free play - so I headed up there on Saturday morning for one night. Wouldn't you know that one night was the ONLY night in a two month window that was sold out - so I (oh, the horror) actually had to pay for a room. Still got a rock bottom rate and it was worth it.
I checked in and proceeded up to my room - only to open the door and find people in the room! Yikes. They said they had been switched around and they were waiting for 'someone to bring them the keys'. I headed back to check in and went down the elevator with a bellman who said he was on his way to pick up the keys for that room. (I explained to him what happened when he asked 'how's your day going').
The person at check in upgraded me to the concierge level which was nice. I could have gone up there for happy hour and/or breakfast this morning but I didn't - still - nice upgrade. Really nice room; bigger and more amenities.
I had a great time - played with wild abandon yesterday and was down $50 at the end of the night.
I did lose more this morning but I was betting pretty aggressively since I knew I didn't have a lot of time to play.
It was a great trip and I came home with fun money - so that's a good trip in my book.
I didn't have time to drive down to Carson City - we will likely go up there sometime in November to (hopefully) give them the down payment on the lot so they can officially break ground on our house. We haven't seen the new 'revised' floor plan yet and are chomping at the bit to have all this stuff finalized.
H. is here today - J. picked him up this morning. He's got a pretty amazing tattoo on his upper arm and the story behind it is a good one. I really don't mind anymore - as long as what you are permanently inking on your body has some meaning to you, then do what you choose. It's going to be a full upper arm tattoo when it's completed - still a work in progress. Happy for him that he has some discretionary income he can use for stuff like this - I did remind him 'hey, you still owe us' and he is paying off the rest of the loan today.
He has been offered a different role in the company he's working for - which is awesome! Full time WITH the company vs. contracted through an agency. Fingers crossed it all works out. He'll have insurance and be making more money - he really wants to get his own apartment as soon as he can. I keep throttling him back a bit - reminding him how $600 a month is pretty great and is allowing him the 'extra' discretionary income he has. An apartment negates any discretionary funds - it's all going to go for surviving.
The house they live in had a new resident this past couple weeks - a schizophrenic gentleman who was fine 'as long as he's on his meds'. J. and I sort of scratched our heads and wondered about the arrangement - this person hadn't been through any New Hope recovery at all - but were placed at the SLE (Sober Living Environment) home. H. was mildly concerned -
Today, H. told us that the guy disappeared for two full days and a night - didn't tell anyone where he was. (The home has very specific rules about leaving and returning - it's all documented so everyone knows where people are and when they'll be returning). The house residents called New Hope and were told to pack up all his stuff and put it in the garage.
The guy showed up and was upset to find out that he'd been booted from the house. H. said he said 'you mean I'm being kicked out because I've relapsed'? Um. YES! That is what happens to people who use again when they are trying to be and stay sober.
H. explained that it's a community/county program that placed the guy at the SLE - and that New Hope has decided to no longer accept those cases because they've never had one that worked out, ever. The guy showed up with his bicycle and two shopping carts to pick up his stuff.
Homeless. And totally not understanding the key components of sobriety: you do not start using again. If you do, you are NOT sober. And you can't pretend to be sober when you're not.
I'm super relieved that NH won't accept those placements anymore - it seems to high of a risk to potentially have newly sober people reside with not sober people pretending to be sober.
Truth be told, I'm finding it incredibly hard these days to be engaged at work. I'm still there, still transacting, still whittling away at the never ending list of stuff I'm responsible for. I'm far from a dead beat - never have been, never will be. But....I sure can't wait until I don't have to show up there daily. I'm burned out and ready to move on. Big time ready.
We're already through 1/3 of this school year and if the next 8 months go by as quickly, it will be a blink of the eye before I'm done. We have a massive amount of stuff to take care of before then and we will do it all - one step at a time. J. makes steady progress and while this weekend, I didn't participate, the garage is still looking better everyday. Step by step.
I checked in and proceeded up to my room - only to open the door and find people in the room! Yikes. They said they had been switched around and they were waiting for 'someone to bring them the keys'. I headed back to check in and went down the elevator with a bellman who said he was on his way to pick up the keys for that room. (I explained to him what happened when he asked 'how's your day going').
The person at check in upgraded me to the concierge level which was nice. I could have gone up there for happy hour and/or breakfast this morning but I didn't - still - nice upgrade. Really nice room; bigger and more amenities.
I had a great time - played with wild abandon yesterday and was down $50 at the end of the night.
I did lose more this morning but I was betting pretty aggressively since I knew I didn't have a lot of time to play.
It was a great trip and I came home with fun money - so that's a good trip in my book.
I didn't have time to drive down to Carson City - we will likely go up there sometime in November to (hopefully) give them the down payment on the lot so they can officially break ground on our house. We haven't seen the new 'revised' floor plan yet and are chomping at the bit to have all this stuff finalized.
H. is here today - J. picked him up this morning. He's got a pretty amazing tattoo on his upper arm and the story behind it is a good one. I really don't mind anymore - as long as what you are permanently inking on your body has some meaning to you, then do what you choose. It's going to be a full upper arm tattoo when it's completed - still a work in progress. Happy for him that he has some discretionary income he can use for stuff like this - I did remind him 'hey, you still owe us' and he is paying off the rest of the loan today.
He has been offered a different role in the company he's working for - which is awesome! Full time WITH the company vs. contracted through an agency. Fingers crossed it all works out. He'll have insurance and be making more money - he really wants to get his own apartment as soon as he can. I keep throttling him back a bit - reminding him how $600 a month is pretty great and is allowing him the 'extra' discretionary income he has. An apartment negates any discretionary funds - it's all going to go for surviving.
The house they live in had a new resident this past couple weeks - a schizophrenic gentleman who was fine 'as long as he's on his meds'. J. and I sort of scratched our heads and wondered about the arrangement - this person hadn't been through any New Hope recovery at all - but were placed at the SLE (Sober Living Environment) home. H. was mildly concerned -
Today, H. told us that the guy disappeared for two full days and a night - didn't tell anyone where he was. (The home has very specific rules about leaving and returning - it's all documented so everyone knows where people are and when they'll be returning). The house residents called New Hope and were told to pack up all his stuff and put it in the garage.
The guy showed up and was upset to find out that he'd been booted from the house. H. said he said 'you mean I'm being kicked out because I've relapsed'? Um. YES! That is what happens to people who use again when they are trying to be and stay sober.
H. explained that it's a community/county program that placed the guy at the SLE - and that New Hope has decided to no longer accept those cases because they've never had one that worked out, ever. The guy showed up with his bicycle and two shopping carts to pick up his stuff.
Homeless. And totally not understanding the key components of sobriety: you do not start using again. If you do, you are NOT sober. And you can't pretend to be sober when you're not.
I'm super relieved that NH won't accept those placements anymore - it seems to high of a risk to potentially have newly sober people reside with not sober people pretending to be sober.
Truth be told, I'm finding it incredibly hard these days to be engaged at work. I'm still there, still transacting, still whittling away at the never ending list of stuff I'm responsible for. I'm far from a dead beat - never have been, never will be. But....I sure can't wait until I don't have to show up there daily. I'm burned out and ready to move on. Big time ready.
We're already through 1/3 of this school year and if the next 8 months go by as quickly, it will be a blink of the eye before I'm done. We have a massive amount of stuff to take care of before then and we will do it all - one step at a time. J. makes steady progress and while this weekend, I didn't participate, the garage is still looking better everyday. Step by step.
Friday, October 19, 2018
Floor Plan
Can't believe it's been over two weeks since my last post - time is flying by. Good thing, right?
This week, we received the preliminary floor plan of our new house - and we like it. But we don't love it. The draft gave us everything we asked for and is very similar to the floor plan we sent them - so they did just what we asked. But the footprint of the house as currently drawn doesn't fit the shape of the lot all that well - and there are a couple odd things about it that we truly don't like. Our 'hobby room' is only accessible via the garage and has no windows. There's no linen closet. There's no windows on the kitchen/dining room side which is where most of our backyard will be. And that: the backyard is primarily to the left of the house vs. in the back of the house. Hopefully S. (builder) can help figure out solutions for those things.
We sent a 1.5 page list of 'likes and dislikes' off to the team today and will await a time to set a call with the builder - his one comment (so far) was that he thinks the design needs to be wider and shallower to fit the lot. So we'll see what he suggests when we chat with him.
I've been back and forth a million times about the timing of when to leave. I told my boss it would be the end of the school year (June 30th), then panicked about qualifying for the loan on the new house. Running 'what if' scenarios constantly - realizing that without my income, we'd have to prove retirement income and that's not impossible to do but wouldn't that be way more complex? A call to the mortgage team reassured us - IF I leave my job at the end of June, we will need to have in place the monthly 'draw' against our savings in place for three months before we qualify - along with confirmations of pension income from CalPERS. All of which should be do-able. Still, even just writing this has me fretting - we can do the draw for the savings for three months in advance no problem. But if they want three months of my pension, too? We won't have that.
I'm sure it will all work out. I'm sure it will. J. texted me earlier this week 'your 'mom' just flew into the garage, hovered inches from my face and said 'everything will be alright'. It was a hummingbird. She always comes to us as either a hummingbird or a dragon fly. She made miracles happen for our move from Hayward to Tracy so it's quite possible she will do the same this time around, too.
I am planning to tell our Board my retirement plans at our November meeting - which will make it very real.
Last week, I spent a day in architect interviews - and at lunch, my boss came to check in with me. I confessed that I was finding myself more choked up than anything else - and I wasn't expecting those emotions. To feel so invested in how the new schools turn out and to not be able to be a part of the process? It's hard. Makes me sad. But oh well. I can visit and I know they will be beautiful.
We had an H. free weekend last weekend - he was at a baby shower on Saturday and helping a friend move on Sunday - we will see him this Sunday which will be nice.
J. is taking a ton of shred to the free shred event our city is holding tomorrow. Super glad the timing worked out - he's been shredding a bit each week and putting the plastic bag full of the shredded paper in the recycle bin but at the rate he was going, we would be shredding for months. We've cleaned out so much stuff!!
We hired a new gardener and so far, he's really doing a great job. Best we've ever had. He gets all the debris out from EVERYWHERE - not just the patio - but from around the pool equipment, behind the pool boxes (that hold towels, etc.), both side yards. Looks so nice to have all that debris gone every week. He's also trimming our trees a little at a time - shaping them better. He seems to really know what he's doing and we are pretty impressed.
The massive list of projects and things to do continues to grow but we make slow and steady progress. We think the next 'required' trip to Carson City will be in February for a week of design decisions - though we may trek up there with the check for the 50% lot deposit when the builder is ready to pull the permit and start moving dirt.
Super excited!
This week, we received the preliminary floor plan of our new house - and we like it. But we don't love it. The draft gave us everything we asked for and is very similar to the floor plan we sent them - so they did just what we asked. But the footprint of the house as currently drawn doesn't fit the shape of the lot all that well - and there are a couple odd things about it that we truly don't like. Our 'hobby room' is only accessible via the garage and has no windows. There's no linen closet. There's no windows on the kitchen/dining room side which is where most of our backyard will be. And that: the backyard is primarily to the left of the house vs. in the back of the house. Hopefully S. (builder) can help figure out solutions for those things.
We sent a 1.5 page list of 'likes and dislikes' off to the team today and will await a time to set a call with the builder - his one comment (so far) was that he thinks the design needs to be wider and shallower to fit the lot. So we'll see what he suggests when we chat with him.
I've been back and forth a million times about the timing of when to leave. I told my boss it would be the end of the school year (June 30th), then panicked about qualifying for the loan on the new house. Running 'what if' scenarios constantly - realizing that without my income, we'd have to prove retirement income and that's not impossible to do but wouldn't that be way more complex? A call to the mortgage team reassured us - IF I leave my job at the end of June, we will need to have in place the monthly 'draw' against our savings in place for three months before we qualify - along with confirmations of pension income from CalPERS. All of which should be do-able. Still, even just writing this has me fretting - we can do the draw for the savings for three months in advance no problem. But if they want three months of my pension, too? We won't have that.
I'm sure it will all work out. I'm sure it will. J. texted me earlier this week 'your 'mom' just flew into the garage, hovered inches from my face and said 'everything will be alright'. It was a hummingbird. She always comes to us as either a hummingbird or a dragon fly. She made miracles happen for our move from Hayward to Tracy so it's quite possible she will do the same this time around, too.
I am planning to tell our Board my retirement plans at our November meeting - which will make it very real.
Last week, I spent a day in architect interviews - and at lunch, my boss came to check in with me. I confessed that I was finding myself more choked up than anything else - and I wasn't expecting those emotions. To feel so invested in how the new schools turn out and to not be able to be a part of the process? It's hard. Makes me sad. But oh well. I can visit and I know they will be beautiful.
We had an H. free weekend last weekend - he was at a baby shower on Saturday and helping a friend move on Sunday - we will see him this Sunday which will be nice.
J. is taking a ton of shred to the free shred event our city is holding tomorrow. Super glad the timing worked out - he's been shredding a bit each week and putting the plastic bag full of the shredded paper in the recycle bin but at the rate he was going, we would be shredding for months. We've cleaned out so much stuff!!
We hired a new gardener and so far, he's really doing a great job. Best we've ever had. He gets all the debris out from EVERYWHERE - not just the patio - but from around the pool equipment, behind the pool boxes (that hold towels, etc.), both side yards. Looks so nice to have all that debris gone every week. He's also trimming our trees a little at a time - shaping them better. He seems to really know what he's doing and we are pretty impressed.
The massive list of projects and things to do continues to grow but we make slow and steady progress. We think the next 'required' trip to Carson City will be in February for a week of design decisions - though we may trek up there with the check for the 50% lot deposit when the builder is ready to pull the permit and start moving dirt.
Super excited!
Wednesday, October 03, 2018
Carson City, Here We Come!
No update on the timing of the house - we wish we had more information. I just have to remind myself there were 30ish homes ahead of us and now that the development is really getting off the ground, I'm sure it will be some time before it's our turn. Boy, is it hard to wait!
Today, we trekked in to San Francisco to meet with our finance guy.....and today is THE DAY when I am absolutely positive I am retiring at the end of this school year. Zero reason not to - honestly, it seems like I could have stopped working a long time ago. But that's OK. Put us in an (even) better position and now? Really. I have zero reason to work. Zip.
It's liberating. And scary as hell. Our finance guy was incredibly reassuring - he is the epitome of calm and cool and since he spends all of his time studying the markets and has a pretty good read on things, we feel very confident. He was very reassuring and is going to be arranging a once a month deposit that will replace most of my salary....which is pretty great since I also have a decent pension.
We are so, so blessed. And I give J. most of the credit - his 37+ years at Wells Fargo really sealed our future in the best way possible.
When J. and I were 'early married' - still with kid(s) 'cuz B. came into our world 10 months after we got married - we would go to San Francisco once in a while and always ALWAYS make a trip to the champagne bar at Nordstrom. I loved Bellini Peche which was ridiculously expensive at Nordstrom but we always splurged and bought it. (I later found it at BevMo for a gazillion times left but still - I wouldn't trade those memories for anything). We thought about heading there today after our meeting was over? But luckily, we headed home - Chloe is at the vet getting a glucose curve and they close at 5. We got home at 4:15 and that was with no Nordstrom stop.
So I've opened up my next favorite alcohol treat - an ice cold Blue Moon.
I took today off to go to the city so it's back to work tomorrow - wishing I could always have Wednesdays off. I'm sure my boss would agree if I proposed a modified schedule? But there are lots of other people who would love to work 4 ten hour days to have a day off each week - so it won't happen. We tried it one summer and it was a convincing exercise in how hard it is to stay motivated for ten full hours a day.
I'm running some retirement scenarios on the PERS website and also fine tuning our monthly budget. Heating leftover ravioli lasagna (a Costco ready made meal) and enjoying the realization that in nine months (that will undoubtedly fly by), I am giving up alarm clocks and the stress of a job.
Today, we trekked in to San Francisco to meet with our finance guy.....and today is THE DAY when I am absolutely positive I am retiring at the end of this school year. Zero reason not to - honestly, it seems like I could have stopped working a long time ago. But that's OK. Put us in an (even) better position and now? Really. I have zero reason to work. Zip.
It's liberating. And scary as hell. Our finance guy was incredibly reassuring - he is the epitome of calm and cool and since he spends all of his time studying the markets and has a pretty good read on things, we feel very confident. He was very reassuring and is going to be arranging a once a month deposit that will replace most of my salary....which is pretty great since I also have a decent pension.
We are so, so blessed. And I give J. most of the credit - his 37+ years at Wells Fargo really sealed our future in the best way possible.
When J. and I were 'early married' - still with kid(s) 'cuz B. came into our world 10 months after we got married - we would go to San Francisco once in a while and always ALWAYS make a trip to the champagne bar at Nordstrom. I loved Bellini Peche which was ridiculously expensive at Nordstrom but we always splurged and bought it. (I later found it at BevMo for a gazillion times left but still - I wouldn't trade those memories for anything). We thought about heading there today after our meeting was over? But luckily, we headed home - Chloe is at the vet getting a glucose curve and they close at 5. We got home at 4:15 and that was with no Nordstrom stop.
So I've opened up my next favorite alcohol treat - an ice cold Blue Moon.
I took today off to go to the city so it's back to work tomorrow - wishing I could always have Wednesdays off. I'm sure my boss would agree if I proposed a modified schedule? But there are lots of other people who would love to work 4 ten hour days to have a day off each week - so it won't happen. We tried it one summer and it was a convincing exercise in how hard it is to stay motivated for ten full hours a day.
I'm running some retirement scenarios on the PERS website and also fine tuning our monthly budget. Heating leftover ravioli lasagna (a Costco ready made meal) and enjoying the realization that in nine months (that will undoubtedly fly by), I am giving up alarm clocks and the stress of a job.
Thursday, September 20, 2018
Road Trip with My Love
After some rescheduling, the lady finally picked up the albums last night - $35 more for items we were sure would end up being disposed of via a trip to the dump. She works with autistic people and music is something she uses in her work - she was absolutely thrilled with the treasure trove. When we mentioned that not only were the albums ours, there were also some from our parents, she was super thrilled. A very eclectic mix of genres and artists across decades.
Another thing out of the house that we won't move to Nevada! BOOM!
J. celebrated his 69th birthday yesterday - we were remembering when we were dating and just engaged talking about 'when we're in our 60's and 70's' - and here we are, approaching those numbers at lightening speed.
I'm listening to "Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman soundtrack as I get ready to head upstairs and pack for our trip to Reno/Carson City. We're very likely driving home on Saturday vs. Sunday - gives me a day at home this weekend and we can spend time with H. on Sunday.
We debated not going at all - no real reason to go since there's no prelim sketch of a floor plan yet...but we are excited to start exploring our new city - we put so much exploration effort into Reno (thinking for years that's where we would land in retirement) - now we need to do the same for Carson City. J. will play golf tomorrow morning and I'll enjoy a 5x point day on the slots. We'll do some exploring in the afternoon and have a nice dinner. Then hit the road Saturday morning - maybe go home the back way again - prettier drive.
There have been some hard things happening on the work front and I confessed to a co-worker yesterday that while I am steadfastly keeping the short timer attitude at bay most of the time, yesterday was a day I was glad to say 'y'all will have to work on this for years to come - and I'm out so I honestly don't care. Do whatever you think is best for now and I'll keep positive thoughts and intentions in the cosmos about it all as I segue out'. I confess - it felt great! In the thick of something hugely problematic - and realizing 'guess what? You truly don't have to fret about it. It's not going to be something that will affect you - so don't go there. Move on'. I washed my hands of it in that moment - another BOOM!
BOOM! is becoming my new favorite exclamation!
Off to get moving - heading out by 8AM - meeting with the mortgage company at 1PM - just for a 'meet and greet'.
I still feel like I have to pinch myself sometimes - this is truly, really all happening!
Another thing out of the house that we won't move to Nevada! BOOM!
J. celebrated his 69th birthday yesterday - we were remembering when we were dating and just engaged talking about 'when we're in our 60's and 70's' - and here we are, approaching those numbers at lightening speed.
I'm listening to "Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman soundtrack as I get ready to head upstairs and pack for our trip to Reno/Carson City. We're very likely driving home on Saturday vs. Sunday - gives me a day at home this weekend and we can spend time with H. on Sunday.
We debated not going at all - no real reason to go since there's no prelim sketch of a floor plan yet...but we are excited to start exploring our new city - we put so much exploration effort into Reno (thinking for years that's where we would land in retirement) - now we need to do the same for Carson City. J. will play golf tomorrow morning and I'll enjoy a 5x point day on the slots. We'll do some exploring in the afternoon and have a nice dinner. Then hit the road Saturday morning - maybe go home the back way again - prettier drive.
There have been some hard things happening on the work front and I confessed to a co-worker yesterday that while I am steadfastly keeping the short timer attitude at bay most of the time, yesterday was a day I was glad to say 'y'all will have to work on this for years to come - and I'm out so I honestly don't care. Do whatever you think is best for now and I'll keep positive thoughts and intentions in the cosmos about it all as I segue out'. I confess - it felt great! In the thick of something hugely problematic - and realizing 'guess what? You truly don't have to fret about it. It's not going to be something that will affect you - so don't go there. Move on'. I washed my hands of it in that moment - another BOOM!
BOOM! is becoming my new favorite exclamation!
Off to get moving - heading out by 8AM - meeting with the mortgage company at 1PM - just for a 'meet and greet'.
I still feel like I have to pinch myself sometimes - this is truly, really all happening!
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Albums
J. surprised me last night by stating that he went downtown to the shop that buys albums - he said 'I didn't get what I expected'. Since selling to Rasputin is the only experience we've had so far and they pay pennies for albums, I wasn't expecting much. But he pulled $60 (!!) out of his wallet. The owner of the shop is the same age as J. and has very specific artists he is interested in buying -
We offered the rest of the albums (minus a few more that J. held back to see if the guy downtown wants them) to someone on Facebook and they are picking them up tomorrow morning at 10AM. I'm taking a walk down memory lane going through them and remembering songs that I haven't thought about since the 80's.
Jane Oliver and Tarney Spencer Band to name a couple. The lady was supposed to pick up today at 10AM but had a change of plans and I'm sort of glad 'cuz now I have time to go through them a bit more and then go immediately to iTunes or You Tube to find the song and refresh my memory.
My 40th high school reunion is next weekend and friends have been reaching out to say 'you're on the missing list'. I said 'yes, but you are chatting with me so clearly, I'm not missing'. [Insert Smiley face emoji]. I explained that we are actually going to be in Carson City that weekend so no, I won't be there. (I was very glad to have that trip as a 'reason' I wasn't planning to attend. Truth be told, I wouldn't have attended anyway. Wild horses couldn't drag me there. It was a big graduating class and it turns out, I don't know a lot of the people and the ones I do know, I'm just not interested in connecting with. One of very few exceptions is my friend D. who didn't even attend our high school - she transferred to a private religious school - she and her husband D. offered J. and I a room - I thanked her profusely and sent regrets.
Work week went by super quickly and as of end of day yesterday, I have 180 work days left - if I retire at the end of June. That's net of holidays and the 14 days I'm off for our cruise in March. Time will fly by.
Big news: H. got a job!! Working on the production line of a sunglass company - his sponsor has worked there for 14+ years and he suggested H. apply. They commute together and H. has a couple of other people who work there he can catch a ride with. I'm also going to suggest that H. look into taking a bus from Modesto to the Ace Train station and then Ubering to work from the Livermore ACE station - just as a(nother) backup. J. is also a backup but we really don't want H. to rely on J. for that 'cuz we are moving and H. needs to be adulting.
J. is getting ready to go get H. who will hang out here today and help with more projects. J. is going to Alameda tonight for a party at a former co-worker's house. I'll enjoy a quiet evening at home.
My new assistant starts on Monday and I spent all week attempting to get caught up, write procedures, make lists of things she can do - especially because I'm off this coming Th & Fr - can't wait to having help again. I'm going to make vanilla scones to have as treats on Monday -
Busy weekend ahead. Continues to feel awesome to have stuff leaving the house little by little.
We offered the rest of the albums (minus a few more that J. held back to see if the guy downtown wants them) to someone on Facebook and they are picking them up tomorrow morning at 10AM. I'm taking a walk down memory lane going through them and remembering songs that I haven't thought about since the 80's.
Jane Oliver and Tarney Spencer Band to name a couple. The lady was supposed to pick up today at 10AM but had a change of plans and I'm sort of glad 'cuz now I have time to go through them a bit more and then go immediately to iTunes or You Tube to find the song and refresh my memory.
My 40th high school reunion is next weekend and friends have been reaching out to say 'you're on the missing list'. I said 'yes, but you are chatting with me so clearly, I'm not missing'. [Insert Smiley face emoji]. I explained that we are actually going to be in Carson City that weekend so no, I won't be there. (I was very glad to have that trip as a 'reason' I wasn't planning to attend. Truth be told, I wouldn't have attended anyway. Wild horses couldn't drag me there. It was a big graduating class and it turns out, I don't know a lot of the people and the ones I do know, I'm just not interested in connecting with. One of very few exceptions is my friend D. who didn't even attend our high school - she transferred to a private religious school - she and her husband D. offered J. and I a room - I thanked her profusely and sent regrets.
Work week went by super quickly and as of end of day yesterday, I have 180 work days left - if I retire at the end of June. That's net of holidays and the 14 days I'm off for our cruise in March. Time will fly by.
Big news: H. got a job!! Working on the production line of a sunglass company - his sponsor has worked there for 14+ years and he suggested H. apply. They commute together and H. has a couple of other people who work there he can catch a ride with. I'm also going to suggest that H. look into taking a bus from Modesto to the Ace Train station and then Ubering to work from the Livermore ACE station - just as a(nother) backup. J. is also a backup but we really don't want H. to rely on J. for that 'cuz we are moving and H. needs to be adulting.
J. is getting ready to go get H. who will hang out here today and help with more projects. J. is going to Alameda tonight for a party at a former co-worker's house. I'll enjoy a quiet evening at home.
My new assistant starts on Monday and I spent all week attempting to get caught up, write procedures, make lists of things she can do - especially because I'm off this coming Th & Fr - can't wait to having help again. I'm going to make vanilla scones to have as treats on Monday -
Busy weekend ahead. Continues to feel awesome to have stuff leaving the house little by little.
Sunday, September 09, 2018
Pretty Much a Sunday Repeat
Read last week's post - more of the same today. The garage is looking good!
I trekked to Hayward yesterday to see my counselor. She gives great advice and knows me very well. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping - I do 3 hour stretches and wake up super hard every morning - get into a great sleep in that 3rd round and then it's time to get up. I feel so groggy and struggle to navigate the simple task of getting clothes ready, exiting the bedroom, heading downstairs. The cats (one in particular - Muf) have taken to sitting on the full length of a stair ahead of me all.the.way.down. It's a miracle I haven't fallen and broken something. I'm barely awake.
She reminded me that there has been a ton of 'stuff' lately - a lot of changes in the works. I shared that while I'm excited about the thought of never working again, I also feel a bit intimidated by it. I used that morning's routine as an example. If I hadn't needed to be somewhere at a certain time, I might have been (very) tempted to take care of the dog and then go back up to bed and sleep until noon. I sort of fear I will do just that when I retire? And maybe that would be to catch up on sleep for a few days - but I really worry that I'll feel depressed more than energized about the 'nowhere to go and nothing that has to be done' part of it.
She suggested that maybe I will decide to find something to keep me busy. A light part-time job to get me out and about a few days a week. I also have been worried about the move - making the big move. Fully anticipating that we will live in the lovely house we are building for years - together. But then sometimes the 'what if....' scenarios run through my brain. Me, in a house alone because my best beloved is 11 years older so....what if. Alone in a huge house having few friends in a new city. Or still somewhat new city.
Who knows, right? I could be the one leaving this earth first. Tomorrow is never promised and I know the answer is 'so you just have to live one day at a time and take each day - that's it. No fretting about things you have no control over nor knowledge of. Let it go....'. Easier said than done, says the part(s) of my psyche that keep me awake at night.
I told the district leadership team that it's likely my last year plus 3 months - I just had to (finally) put it out there that the thoughts we had about owning two homes for awhile are quickly being replaced with 'why would we want to do that'. It felt good. And terrifying. 'Cuz this is all real. It is happening.
When I get fretful, I run the numbers again and confirm it is all still do-able. I run them over and over and over.....
H. is here today - I didn't know the plan was for him to be here today - which was silly of me because up until this morning, he and J. were planning to spend tonight in San Mateo and be at the courthouse early in the morning to 'surrender' on the outstanding warrant(s). We are starting to think that H.'s DMV record is why he is struggling to find work - but as it stands now, it might be sometime later this week or next Monday. The staff and counselors at New Hope have offered to write letters on his behalf confirming that he's fulfilling all the requirements of the rehab program and is doing a great job of getting his life back in order.
It's hard when he's near and it's hard to write this 'cuz he's our son - but my stomach always feels clenchy and sad when he's about. He's doing great - but....all those memories of all that's happened still loom large and it's still hard for me to feel welcoming and accepting. Though he is a huge help and he is one of the reasons we've made such great progress in the garage.
It's good for him to get out and about vs. sitting in a house all day - so if he's willing to come help out, while wedging in a BowFlex work out and listening to music while he does stuff, then that's not a bad thing.
I'd love to take a nap today but think I will settle for a super early bedtime tonight - get my clothes picked out and downstairs tonight so that's one less thing to navigate in the morning. I'll try to get to work super early tomorrow to make up for not working this weekend - it felt lovely to skip it but I'm still doing my job plus my assistant's job and there's still a massive amount of stuff to get caught up on. Year-end is done - Board meeting on Tuesday - so I have time this week to get caught up. And new assistant starts on Monday, 9/17!
I trekked to Hayward yesterday to see my counselor. She gives great advice and knows me very well. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping - I do 3 hour stretches and wake up super hard every morning - get into a great sleep in that 3rd round and then it's time to get up. I feel so groggy and struggle to navigate the simple task of getting clothes ready, exiting the bedroom, heading downstairs. The cats (one in particular - Muf) have taken to sitting on the full length of a stair ahead of me all.the.way.down. It's a miracle I haven't fallen and broken something. I'm barely awake.
She reminded me that there has been a ton of 'stuff' lately - a lot of changes in the works. I shared that while I'm excited about the thought of never working again, I also feel a bit intimidated by it. I used that morning's routine as an example. If I hadn't needed to be somewhere at a certain time, I might have been (very) tempted to take care of the dog and then go back up to bed and sleep until noon. I sort of fear I will do just that when I retire? And maybe that would be to catch up on sleep for a few days - but I really worry that I'll feel depressed more than energized about the 'nowhere to go and nothing that has to be done' part of it.
She suggested that maybe I will decide to find something to keep me busy. A light part-time job to get me out and about a few days a week. I also have been worried about the move - making the big move. Fully anticipating that we will live in the lovely house we are building for years - together. But then sometimes the 'what if....' scenarios run through my brain. Me, in a house alone because my best beloved is 11 years older so....what if. Alone in a huge house having few friends in a new city. Or still somewhat new city.
Who knows, right? I could be the one leaving this earth first. Tomorrow is never promised and I know the answer is 'so you just have to live one day at a time and take each day - that's it. No fretting about things you have no control over nor knowledge of. Let it go....'. Easier said than done, says the part(s) of my psyche that keep me awake at night.
I told the district leadership team that it's likely my last year plus 3 months - I just had to (finally) put it out there that the thoughts we had about owning two homes for awhile are quickly being replaced with 'why would we want to do that'. It felt good. And terrifying. 'Cuz this is all real. It is happening.
When I get fretful, I run the numbers again and confirm it is all still do-able. I run them over and over and over.....
H. is here today - I didn't know the plan was for him to be here today - which was silly of me because up until this morning, he and J. were planning to spend tonight in San Mateo and be at the courthouse early in the morning to 'surrender' on the outstanding warrant(s). We are starting to think that H.'s DMV record is why he is struggling to find work - but as it stands now, it might be sometime later this week or next Monday. The staff and counselors at New Hope have offered to write letters on his behalf confirming that he's fulfilling all the requirements of the rehab program and is doing a great job of getting his life back in order.
It's hard when he's near and it's hard to write this 'cuz he's our son - but my stomach always feels clenchy and sad when he's about. He's doing great - but....all those memories of all that's happened still loom large and it's still hard for me to feel welcoming and accepting. Though he is a huge help and he is one of the reasons we've made such great progress in the garage.
It's good for him to get out and about vs. sitting in a house all day - so if he's willing to come help out, while wedging in a BowFlex work out and listening to music while he does stuff, then that's not a bad thing.
I'd love to take a nap today but think I will settle for a super early bedtime tonight - get my clothes picked out and downstairs tonight so that's one less thing to navigate in the morning. I'll try to get to work super early tomorrow to make up for not working this weekend - it felt lovely to skip it but I'm still doing my job plus my assistant's job and there's still a massive amount of stuff to get caught up on. Year-end is done - Board meeting on Tuesday - so I have time this week to get caught up. And new assistant starts on Monday, 9/17!
Sunday, September 02, 2018
Crazily Redundantly Motivated
ANOTHER day of huge progress. Starting to think the medication I started a month or so ago is jump starting my organization. Usually, things just feel overwhelming and impossible but lately, I can 'see' what needs to be done and sketch out how to make it happen. Instead of standing around looking at all the stuff and feeling it's impossible, we are making steady progress. Feels AWESOME!
We took a bunch of things to New Hope - H's rehab place. Lots of things we know they can use and other things we called and asked about. One of the first things they try to instill in people is finding lots of other activities to do that are fun. Addicts are so focused on their next fix, they forget how to do anything but that. So there's a lot of effort put in to getting people out and doing - with groups and friends - to remind them there is life outside using.
We gave them a karaoke machine and 15 song disks, a brand new croquet set, 4 stadium seats, 4 basketballs, two ice chests and a vacuum. (H. wanted the vac for their house).
I took all the plastic shelves outside and cleaned them thoroughly. Hosed them down and used Simple Green and a towel to get them sparking. Then we swept the floors well, scrubbed one area where something had spilled, put the shelves back and are reorganizing as we go. With all the stuff we gave away, we will have room on those shelves to start staging stuff for the move. First on the list are boxes of books that we plan to keep - but no point in putting them away upstairs only to pack them again in a year.
J. will be procuring some plastic bins at Costco this week and making trips to donation, the library and Rasputin Music in Modesto - he will have a very full four day week and the garage will continue to be more and more empty and organized. I love it!!
H. was here today too and was able to help lift heavy things, reach things I can't reach and also did some yard work. We got a new set of really 'big' pruners - shears, really - and they make trimming hedges so much easier!! We filled up the yard waste bin and did a good cutting back of some of our flowering landscape plants. H. also tried to trim the Japanese Maples in the front but the ladder isn't high enough - we'll need to call the tree trimming company but it shouldn't be too expensive 'cuz they aren't very tall.
Our gardener officially retired so we are going to look for help - hoping to find someone more reliable and someone who can consistently do both the yard and some pruning, etc. - even if it costs a bit more, it will be worth it.
I'm going to head to work tomorrow and will undoubtedly be super productive there, too. I've been making a list for there as well and keeping my brain organized and focused is really making a huge difference. Yes, there is a lot of work - always has been and always will be - but I know what needs to be done and can do it.
Congratulations to H. who celebrates 101 day sober today! Super happy for him and proud of him. He had some 'girl issues' this week and he handled it all very well - strong enough to say to her that while he is sorry she is upset, she's basing her upset on gossip and has no reason to think any of what was said (about H.) is real. Yet she did. H. told her that he can't have that kind of drama in his life at this point - that she's upset because someone said he spoke to someone else (another girl). He said he told her 'so I can never talk to another human being or you'll be upset with me'. Ridiculous. I'm proud of him.
As for the girl - I feel for her. I wish she was stronger and more self confident to realize how silly her upset is. But I remember those feelings in my 20's so I get it. It takes a long time to feel so OK with yourself that nothing other people say has much influence or affect on you - and that comes with a lot of life lessons that she hasn't experienced yet.
Fingers crossed it will all work out -
Time to start winding down for bed. These have been two of the most productive days we've had in ages and seeing the progress is so wonderful!! Very motivating which is a good thing 'cuz we have 52 more weekends between now and moving (roughly) and there is still a lot to do.
We took a bunch of things to New Hope - H's rehab place. Lots of things we know they can use and other things we called and asked about. One of the first things they try to instill in people is finding lots of other activities to do that are fun. Addicts are so focused on their next fix, they forget how to do anything but that. So there's a lot of effort put in to getting people out and doing - with groups and friends - to remind them there is life outside using.
We gave them a karaoke machine and 15 song disks, a brand new croquet set, 4 stadium seats, 4 basketballs, two ice chests and a vacuum. (H. wanted the vac for their house).
I took all the plastic shelves outside and cleaned them thoroughly. Hosed them down and used Simple Green and a towel to get them sparking. Then we swept the floors well, scrubbed one area where something had spilled, put the shelves back and are reorganizing as we go. With all the stuff we gave away, we will have room on those shelves to start staging stuff for the move. First on the list are boxes of books that we plan to keep - but no point in putting them away upstairs only to pack them again in a year.
J. will be procuring some plastic bins at Costco this week and making trips to donation, the library and Rasputin Music in Modesto - he will have a very full four day week and the garage will continue to be more and more empty and organized. I love it!!
H. was here today too and was able to help lift heavy things, reach things I can't reach and also did some yard work. We got a new set of really 'big' pruners - shears, really - and they make trimming hedges so much easier!! We filled up the yard waste bin and did a good cutting back of some of our flowering landscape plants. H. also tried to trim the Japanese Maples in the front but the ladder isn't high enough - we'll need to call the tree trimming company but it shouldn't be too expensive 'cuz they aren't very tall.
Our gardener officially retired so we are going to look for help - hoping to find someone more reliable and someone who can consistently do both the yard and some pruning, etc. - even if it costs a bit more, it will be worth it.
I'm going to head to work tomorrow and will undoubtedly be super productive there, too. I've been making a list for there as well and keeping my brain organized and focused is really making a huge difference. Yes, there is a lot of work - always has been and always will be - but I know what needs to be done and can do it.
Congratulations to H. who celebrates 101 day sober today! Super happy for him and proud of him. He had some 'girl issues' this week and he handled it all very well - strong enough to say to her that while he is sorry she is upset, she's basing her upset on gossip and has no reason to think any of what was said (about H.) is real. Yet she did. H. told her that he can't have that kind of drama in his life at this point - that she's upset because someone said he spoke to someone else (another girl). He said he told her 'so I can never talk to another human being or you'll be upset with me'. Ridiculous. I'm proud of him.
As for the girl - I feel for her. I wish she was stronger and more self confident to realize how silly her upset is. But I remember those feelings in my 20's so I get it. It takes a long time to feel so OK with yourself that nothing other people say has much influence or affect on you - and that comes with a lot of life lessons that she hasn't experienced yet.
Fingers crossed it will all work out -
Time to start winding down for bed. These have been two of the most productive days we've had in ages and seeing the progress is so wonderful!! Very motivating which is a good thing 'cuz we have 52 more weekends between now and moving (roughly) and there is still a lot to do.
Saturday, September 01, 2018
Hungry Root
(This is not a sponsored post. I have zero sponsors.)
J. is doing the Optavia weight loss program. After months of various tests, etc. to see about doing weight loss surgery, he's realized he doesn't want to do that. A friend did Optavia and lost a lot of weight so J. is trying it.
So far, he's loving it - isn't feeling hungry, eats every 2-3 hours, and it's working. Weight is coming off and the more he loses the more motivated he is. Already feeling better, too, so that's awesome.
I sometimes get negative about these type of programs - because he's done them before and the weight comes back. Seems so logical and simple to 'do it yourself' - portion control, etc. - but truthfully, we all know how hard it is to eat less.
I decided I'm on Team J. and whatever works for him is what he will do -
I'm trying Hungry Root - a vegetarian weekly meal service. Like Hello Fresh only no meat.
How's it going? I miss meat.
Turns out it's hard for me because I am (so far) not hungry for any of the Hungry Root meals. Largely because I'm eating things I've never eaten before and with no history of what tastes good, it's hard to be excited about eating. The meals are also sometimes very spicy and my body does not appreciate spice.
I forgot to cancel next week's delivery so I have another two weeks of torture - 'cuz I still have most of this past week's delivery still in the fridge. I don't plan to continue. I'd rather go back to cooking for myself.
Though that's been hard, too, because J. has been doing dinners since he retired only now, he doesn't. He makes himself something lean and green - I guess he can start cooking double portions of that for me and I can add some brown rice if needed.
Another Saturday spent in the garage - geez, we have so much stuff to get rid of but we are doing pretty well. The Salvation Army came with a big truck and took most everything we wanted to get rid of - but they wouldn't take the mattresses. We're going to ask our housekeeper if she knows of a family that can use them? Otherwise, we'll arrange for someone to make a dump run for us - and might even toss in the pool chaises at the same time - why not? We rarely use them, they are in deplorable shape and it will save us paying for another dump run in a year - but we'll see.
I'm making lists of things to remind J. to inventory and take to our local donation center. And eventually, I'll trek up to Jackson, too - with a huge load of stuff.
H. came over briefly on Friday - he was picked up by the mom of his friend N. (who passed away a while back). She spent time with H. at Starbucks and then offered to drive him to Modesto 'to be able to spend more time with him'. She's someone I work with and at our Welcome Back breakfast each year, she finds me and asks how he's doing. We hope he'll come back tomorrow (J. will go get him) 'cuz we're doing some stuff in the garage that an extra set of hands and someone with more height could really help with.
J. is going to return to Orchard Supply (their closing is very sad for our town because in addition to the store, we also have a warehouse here and a lot of people are losing their jobs) to get mouse traps - we clearly are having some issues in the garage and we need to get everything cleaned out and take care of the source. That's J.'s job - poor guy.
I'm heading to the office on Monday - year-end is 'done' but I have a lot of things to scan and some Board prep to get going on. If it weren't a Board prep week, I'd be tempted to take off Monday and truly enjoy a full three day weekend - but it is so I need to go in and get a jump start - not losing a day is in my best interest. It will lessen the stress as the week progresses.
Harry Potter marathon on this weekend - joy, joy, joy. In between working in the garage and the constant washing of my hands, I'm enjoying the movies as much as I did when I first saw them. I will never get tired of them. Ever.
J. is doing the Optavia weight loss program. After months of various tests, etc. to see about doing weight loss surgery, he's realized he doesn't want to do that. A friend did Optavia and lost a lot of weight so J. is trying it.
So far, he's loving it - isn't feeling hungry, eats every 2-3 hours, and it's working. Weight is coming off and the more he loses the more motivated he is. Already feeling better, too, so that's awesome.
I sometimes get negative about these type of programs - because he's done them before and the weight comes back. Seems so logical and simple to 'do it yourself' - portion control, etc. - but truthfully, we all know how hard it is to eat less.
I decided I'm on Team J. and whatever works for him is what he will do -
I'm trying Hungry Root - a vegetarian weekly meal service. Like Hello Fresh only no meat.
How's it going? I miss meat.
Turns out it's hard for me because I am (so far) not hungry for any of the Hungry Root meals. Largely because I'm eating things I've never eaten before and with no history of what tastes good, it's hard to be excited about eating. The meals are also sometimes very spicy and my body does not appreciate spice.
I forgot to cancel next week's delivery so I have another two weeks of torture - 'cuz I still have most of this past week's delivery still in the fridge. I don't plan to continue. I'd rather go back to cooking for myself.
Though that's been hard, too, because J. has been doing dinners since he retired only now, he doesn't. He makes himself something lean and green - I guess he can start cooking double portions of that for me and I can add some brown rice if needed.
Another Saturday spent in the garage - geez, we have so much stuff to get rid of but we are doing pretty well. The Salvation Army came with a big truck and took most everything we wanted to get rid of - but they wouldn't take the mattresses. We're going to ask our housekeeper if she knows of a family that can use them? Otherwise, we'll arrange for someone to make a dump run for us - and might even toss in the pool chaises at the same time - why not? We rarely use them, they are in deplorable shape and it will save us paying for another dump run in a year - but we'll see.
I'm making lists of things to remind J. to inventory and take to our local donation center. And eventually, I'll trek up to Jackson, too - with a huge load of stuff.
H. came over briefly on Friday - he was picked up by the mom of his friend N. (who passed away a while back). She spent time with H. at Starbucks and then offered to drive him to Modesto 'to be able to spend more time with him'. She's someone I work with and at our Welcome Back breakfast each year, she finds me and asks how he's doing. We hope he'll come back tomorrow (J. will go get him) 'cuz we're doing some stuff in the garage that an extra set of hands and someone with more height could really help with.
J. is going to return to Orchard Supply (their closing is very sad for our town because in addition to the store, we also have a warehouse here and a lot of people are losing their jobs) to get mouse traps - we clearly are having some issues in the garage and we need to get everything cleaned out and take care of the source. That's J.'s job - poor guy.
I'm heading to the office on Monday - year-end is 'done' but I have a lot of things to scan and some Board prep to get going on. If it weren't a Board prep week, I'd be tempted to take off Monday and truly enjoy a full three day weekend - but it is so I need to go in and get a jump start - not losing a day is in my best interest. It will lessen the stress as the week progresses.
Harry Potter marathon on this weekend - joy, joy, joy. In between working in the garage and the constant washing of my hands, I'm enjoying the movies as much as I did when I first saw them. I will never get tired of them. Ever.
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Windfall Elimination
J. headed to Modesto today to see H. . We were hoping to spend time with him and M. (his friend) but she can't go today. (Her out patient is through Kaiser and it's almost daily for 6+ hours a day! That's the 'intensive' in IOP (Intensive Out Patient).) We do hope to spend time with them soon.
H. was hoping to have lunch with us today and needed to since he rode with J. on Friday and left his wallet in the car. (Grrr. Seriously. The kid needs to figure that out 'cuz he leaves his wallet in cars all the time). So J. trekked to Modesto - with a box of cereal, a blanket, two pillow slips and H.'s wallet with him.
I've continued working in the garage - the recycle bin is full to the brim and so is trash. I finally drained the case of Coors cans and rinsed and added them to our soda can recycle trash can. (Add: take cans/bottles to recycling to J.'s to do list this week. Poor guy. His list is HUGE this week). B. bought them a couple years ago and there's no way I will drink Coors. So they are now another thing out of the garage!! Woo hoo!
I got an email alert about jobs posted for the Carson City School District - and there's a Business job open. If only we were a year from now - I'd be applying for sure! (Well, maybe.). I'd actually eliminated that school district from my list of possible employers because on their website, they state that the district does not contribute to Social Security for ANY job - and I worried I would run in to an issue with claiming Social Security when the time comes? There's a Windfall Elimination Provision which affects people who've worked in jobs where social security is paid into by employer and employee and jobs where social security isn't paid into. Teachers in our State typically do not pay Social Security - so if they worked previously in jobs that paid into it, their Social Security amount will be affected by the earnings in years they didn't pay in. It's complicated - and I've been worried about it since discovering our soon-to-be local school district doesn't pay into Social Security.
I eliminated that worry today when I went to the Social Security website and read about it. Because I have 30+ years of 'substantial earnings', I will never be affected by the Windfall Elimination Provision! The amount considered 'substantial' is defined by year (and charted on the SS website) and I've got more than 30 years so NO ISSUE. EVER! Wow, that is such a relief. I could work for the district and bring home 6.2% more than I did in California PLUS pay no State tax on those earnings as well!
If we end up feeling like we need some financial 'boost' and/or I'm feeling not ready to not work, I have that employer as an option - and so does J. . We could both substitute teach (for example) - picking the days we say yes or no and also can base that on the grade level. It just creates more options and I like feeling like we have plenty of options.
Pretty sure the odds are in favor of 'never working again' but I appreciate having information that makes working part-time feasible if I decide to.
I'm going to focus on my desk for awhile. It's crazily a mess and I need to reign it in a bit.
H. was hoping to have lunch with us today and needed to since he rode with J. on Friday and left his wallet in the car. (Grrr. Seriously. The kid needs to figure that out 'cuz he leaves his wallet in cars all the time). So J. trekked to Modesto - with a box of cereal, a blanket, two pillow slips and H.'s wallet with him.
I've continued working in the garage - the recycle bin is full to the brim and so is trash. I finally drained the case of Coors cans and rinsed and added them to our soda can recycle trash can. (Add: take cans/bottles to recycling to J.'s to do list this week. Poor guy. His list is HUGE this week). B. bought them a couple years ago and there's no way I will drink Coors. So they are now another thing out of the garage!! Woo hoo!
I got an email alert about jobs posted for the Carson City School District - and there's a Business job open. If only we were a year from now - I'd be applying for sure! (Well, maybe.). I'd actually eliminated that school district from my list of possible employers because on their website, they state that the district does not contribute to Social Security for ANY job - and I worried I would run in to an issue with claiming Social Security when the time comes? There's a Windfall Elimination Provision which affects people who've worked in jobs where social security is paid into by employer and employee and jobs where social security isn't paid into. Teachers in our State typically do not pay Social Security - so if they worked previously in jobs that paid into it, their Social Security amount will be affected by the earnings in years they didn't pay in. It's complicated - and I've been worried about it since discovering our soon-to-be local school district doesn't pay into Social Security.
I eliminated that worry today when I went to the Social Security website and read about it. Because I have 30+ years of 'substantial earnings', I will never be affected by the Windfall Elimination Provision! The amount considered 'substantial' is defined by year (and charted on the SS website) and I've got more than 30 years so NO ISSUE. EVER! Wow, that is such a relief. I could work for the district and bring home 6.2% more than I did in California PLUS pay no State tax on those earnings as well!
If we end up feeling like we need some financial 'boost' and/or I'm feeling not ready to not work, I have that employer as an option - and so does J. . We could both substitute teach (for example) - picking the days we say yes or no and also can base that on the grade level. It just creates more options and I like feeling like we have plenty of options.
Pretty sure the odds are in favor of 'never working again' but I appreciate having information that makes working part-time feasible if I decide to.
I'm going to focus on my desk for awhile. It's crazily a mess and I need to reign it in a bit.
Saturday, August 25, 2018
Feeling Accomplished!
Today's Victories:
10+ years of tax returns ready to shred.
Huge bag and two boxes of recycling we can't fit in the bin yet. I love filling it up every other week as we make steady progress on getting stuff sorted out before the move.
3 boxes of books to be donated to the library.
2 boxes of books to be donated to my friend's daughter who is collecting children's books for kids in Foster care.
4 basketballs, 4 sets of tire cables/chains (no idea why we have so many), duffle bags, backpacks, linens, comforters, roller skates, tennis rackets, baseball gloves, some ceramic planters and 4 solar light globes ready to donate.
Recycle bin full of miscellaneous plastics, etc. .
Trash bin pretty full with junk we tossed.
To Do:
Trip to library to donate the books. Too bad we found out they don't accept vinyl records? 'cuz we have a couple hundred or so to get rid of.
J. will make a trip to Rasputin Records in Modesto which will offer him $10 for the albums. We'll take whatever they offer at this point 'cuz we need to get them out of the house.
Trip to donation - likely the one in Tracy. I'm itching to play slots so want to head to Jackson? But it's likely we will be traveling to CC next month so I'm saving my fun $ for that trip.
Wait for trash and recycle pickup on Wednesday morning so we can do it again next weekend.
Take shred stuff to Fed Ex store and pay 99 cents a pound to get it all shredded. Why store it until the city has another free event? Out, damn shred. OUT!
Call Salvation Army to arrange for donated furniture pickup. Items include: queen size bed; trundle bed; armoire, dresser, TV stand, heavy standing mirror, two shelf 'towers', a couple glass door display cases.
Talk to B. about his drums. They are in the rafters and in the garage and we need to make some decisions about what to do with them. We can and will move them for him if he wants...but he's thought about selling them so we'll see what he thinks.
Next Cull:
CD's, DVDs and VHS tapes.
Kitchen drawers cleaned out.
Debating about possibly selling most of my Cow Parade figurines. Most of the boxes for them are up in the rafters of the garage. I like them but I don't love them anymore - so they might not make the list to transport to CC.
We both felt accomplished - we managed some inertia and got some things out of the garage. The shelving these items were stored on are plastic and they are now bowed from the weight. We will be breaking them down and recycling them over the next six weeks or so - our recycle pick up is every other week.
It's just after 5PM and I feel like I desperately need a nap. I'll power through. My desk is a wreck and I really need to tackle it a bit.
I'm going to the office for a few hours tomorrow - but will continue to make progress around the homestead. Might be able to come up with another box or two of books to donate. And we have some boxes of books we can move out to the garage to move with us - I started to put them 'away' - they were in the kids' room when they moved here and they took all the shelves down - but it seemed silly to put them away only to pack them up again in 12 months - so we're going to just label them 'keep - books - move to CC' and start stacking stuff up in the corner we are cleaning out. Then we'll have an area dedicated to gathering the things we can start moving to storage in CC in Spring.
This is really happening. I feel like I have to pinch myself - but it is really happening!
10+ years of tax returns ready to shred.
Huge bag and two boxes of recycling we can't fit in the bin yet. I love filling it up every other week as we make steady progress on getting stuff sorted out before the move.
3 boxes of books to be donated to the library.
2 boxes of books to be donated to my friend's daughter who is collecting children's books for kids in Foster care.
4 basketballs, 4 sets of tire cables/chains (no idea why we have so many), duffle bags, backpacks, linens, comforters, roller skates, tennis rackets, baseball gloves, some ceramic planters and 4 solar light globes ready to donate.
Recycle bin full of miscellaneous plastics, etc. .
Trash bin pretty full with junk we tossed.
To Do:
Trip to library to donate the books. Too bad we found out they don't accept vinyl records? 'cuz we have a couple hundred or so to get rid of.
J. will make a trip to Rasputin Records in Modesto which will offer him $10 for the albums. We'll take whatever they offer at this point 'cuz we need to get them out of the house.
Trip to donation - likely the one in Tracy. I'm itching to play slots so want to head to Jackson? But it's likely we will be traveling to CC next month so I'm saving my fun $ for that trip.
Wait for trash and recycle pickup on Wednesday morning so we can do it again next weekend.
Take shred stuff to Fed Ex store and pay 99 cents a pound to get it all shredded. Why store it until the city has another free event? Out, damn shred. OUT!
Call Salvation Army to arrange for donated furniture pickup. Items include: queen size bed; trundle bed; armoire, dresser, TV stand, heavy standing mirror, two shelf 'towers', a couple glass door display cases.
Talk to B. about his drums. They are in the rafters and in the garage and we need to make some decisions about what to do with them. We can and will move them for him if he wants...but he's thought about selling them so we'll see what he thinks.
Next Cull:
CD's, DVDs and VHS tapes.
Kitchen drawers cleaned out.
Debating about possibly selling most of my Cow Parade figurines. Most of the boxes for them are up in the rafters of the garage. I like them but I don't love them anymore - so they might not make the list to transport to CC.
We both felt accomplished - we managed some inertia and got some things out of the garage. The shelving these items were stored on are plastic and they are now bowed from the weight. We will be breaking them down and recycling them over the next six weeks or so - our recycle pick up is every other week.
It's just after 5PM and I feel like I desperately need a nap. I'll power through. My desk is a wreck and I really need to tackle it a bit.
I'm going to the office for a few hours tomorrow - but will continue to make progress around the homestead. Might be able to come up with another box or two of books to donate. And we have some boxes of books we can move out to the garage to move with us - I started to put them 'away' - they were in the kids' room when they moved here and they took all the shelves down - but it seemed silly to put them away only to pack them up again in 12 months - so we're going to just label them 'keep - books - move to CC' and start stacking stuff up in the corner we are cleaning out. Then we'll have an area dedicated to gathering the things we can start moving to storage in CC in Spring.
This is really happening. I feel like I have to pinch myself - but it is really happening!
Berthing Issues
We logged on to our NCL account last night to look at excursions and dream about our next cruise and discovered that due to a berthing issue in Mazatlan, our cruise itinerary has changed. No more Puerto Vallarta - goodbye, Las Caletas - instead we will be in Mazatlan and Cabo. It's OK...will still be an outstanding cruise - but I am sad about missing Las Caletas. It's magical and I'd really been looking forward to it.
But my work screen saver is a picture I took sailing around Cabo and that was a very fun day as well...so we'll book another sail trip and enjoy the sun and surf via sail boat instead of the beach.
Yesterday, I happened to glance out my office window at just the right time to see someone who looked very much like J. entering the District Office grounds yesterday - I grabbed my keys and raced outside and there was H. standing by the locked gate. He had to be in Tracy yesterday for a dentist appointment and he wanted to surprise me by stopping by.
I was less than excited about the surprise and not at all thrilled about H. being at my office. Many people know the situation - there was no way I could get through all that happened with no one at work knowing what was happening - and I really don't want (even the new) H. hanging out at my work.
I emailed J. separately to say all of the above and he agreed and said that he was pretty sure I would feel that way but H. wanted to surprise me. My suggestion is next time that happens, have him surprise me by meeting me at McDonald's or Starbucks - or even at the house.
H. was at the house for a bit - gathered up some clothes, his drones, looked for his heavy jacket and got a blanket for his bed. It felt strange having him here - I felt uneasy the entire time. But that's probably just the norm - I feel uneasy with him pretty much all the time.
I wonder if that will ever change and I shared those feelings with a friend and he said 'rebuilding trust takes a very long time - you know that because you've been through it before with this son - so be patient with yourself. It will happen'.
I hope he's right. He's one of the wisest people I know and a dear friend who has always cared about our family - and I'm grateful for his counsel.
My heart feels really sad to be feeling that way towards H. - but it's hard to reconcile everything that happened with him (and her). I wish I could just magically erase a lot of hard memories - but I can't. Just have to keep moving forward - and feel very ready for a fresh start in Nevada. It sounds so bad to say that? But really, truly - we are ready.
I was supposed to trek to Hayward this morning for a counseling session but I cancelled instead. I'm in need of a no commitment day and today is that day for the next couple weeks.
I just reviewed our budget again to be sure we are on the right track with the CC house. Heading into being 'both retired' and nearly doubling our monthly outflow for our house seems counter-intuitive for a retirement plan - but once again, I feel confident we can manage.
We received the HOA documents yesterday and wow - there are a lot of rules and regulations we will have to follow - including some very specific landscaping guidelines that have me a bit flummoxed. My idea of planting a back yard full of shrubs and wildflowers is not happening because we are required to 'group' plant of same color and cluster them - since our back yard will be visible from the golf course. I get it - trying to maintain the right 'look' is important - but we'll have to regroup around the yards. We get to do both, it turns out. So we'll have a lot to plan and have only six months to do all of it before we risk being fined for not doing it.
It's been a long time since we've had to deal with HOA and I'm sure hoping this isn't going to be a PITA. I figure if it is, we'll sell and move somewhere else, right? (Not likely that will happen but...you never know).
We are hoping to get up to CC in late September to meet with the financing people. We've submitted our floor plan idea - including our wish list items - and maybe they will be ready to sit down and talk it through by then? It's a month away so we'll see.
Looking forward to a quiet day of piddling around the homestead. I'm planning to go into the office for a few hours tomorrow - and then will head into Labor Day weekend in full tilt mode. I'm pretty much 'done' with year end - ahead of schedule - but there are a lot of little pieces to wrap up.
We interview for my assistant position this week - fingers crossed we find someone.
But my work screen saver is a picture I took sailing around Cabo and that was a very fun day as well...so we'll book another sail trip and enjoy the sun and surf via sail boat instead of the beach.
Yesterday, I happened to glance out my office window at just the right time to see someone who looked very much like J. entering the District Office grounds yesterday - I grabbed my keys and raced outside and there was H. standing by the locked gate. He had to be in Tracy yesterday for a dentist appointment and he wanted to surprise me by stopping by.
I was less than excited about the surprise and not at all thrilled about H. being at my office. Many people know the situation - there was no way I could get through all that happened with no one at work knowing what was happening - and I really don't want (even the new) H. hanging out at my work.
I emailed J. separately to say all of the above and he agreed and said that he was pretty sure I would feel that way but H. wanted to surprise me. My suggestion is next time that happens, have him surprise me by meeting me at McDonald's or Starbucks - or even at the house.
H. was at the house for a bit - gathered up some clothes, his drones, looked for his heavy jacket and got a blanket for his bed. It felt strange having him here - I felt uneasy the entire time. But that's probably just the norm - I feel uneasy with him pretty much all the time.
I wonder if that will ever change and I shared those feelings with a friend and he said 'rebuilding trust takes a very long time - you know that because you've been through it before with this son - so be patient with yourself. It will happen'.
I hope he's right. He's one of the wisest people I know and a dear friend who has always cared about our family - and I'm grateful for his counsel.
My heart feels really sad to be feeling that way towards H. - but it's hard to reconcile everything that happened with him (and her). I wish I could just magically erase a lot of hard memories - but I can't. Just have to keep moving forward - and feel very ready for a fresh start in Nevada. It sounds so bad to say that? But really, truly - we are ready.
I was supposed to trek to Hayward this morning for a counseling session but I cancelled instead. I'm in need of a no commitment day and today is that day for the next couple weeks.
I just reviewed our budget again to be sure we are on the right track with the CC house. Heading into being 'both retired' and nearly doubling our monthly outflow for our house seems counter-intuitive for a retirement plan - but once again, I feel confident we can manage.
We received the HOA documents yesterday and wow - there are a lot of rules and regulations we will have to follow - including some very specific landscaping guidelines that have me a bit flummoxed. My idea of planting a back yard full of shrubs and wildflowers is not happening because we are required to 'group' plant of same color and cluster them - since our back yard will be visible from the golf course. I get it - trying to maintain the right 'look' is important - but we'll have to regroup around the yards. We get to do both, it turns out. So we'll have a lot to plan and have only six months to do all of it before we risk being fined for not doing it.
It's been a long time since we've had to deal with HOA and I'm sure hoping this isn't going to be a PITA. I figure if it is, we'll sell and move somewhere else, right? (Not likely that will happen but...you never know).
We are hoping to get up to CC in late September to meet with the financing people. We've submitted our floor plan idea - including our wish list items - and maybe they will be ready to sit down and talk it through by then? It's a month away so we'll see.
Looking forward to a quiet day of piddling around the homestead. I'm planning to go into the office for a few hours tomorrow - and then will head into Labor Day weekend in full tilt mode. I'm pretty much 'done' with year end - ahead of schedule - but there are a lot of little pieces to wrap up.
We interview for my assistant position this week - fingers crossed we find someone.
Friday, August 17, 2018
Locals
I'm so looking forward to the day when I will be 'a local'. Someone who is at a casino because they live very near vs. me as a current patron, driving hours to get there. I am going to absolutely love being able to enjoy slots and only have to drive 1/2 hour to get to Reno - or 4 minutes to a casino in CC.
(NOTE: Do not worry. We will be budgeting the same as always. I promise.).
I've played at Atlantis enough that I now recognize people.
Last trip, I played (again) with Michael. He works at a casino in Sparks. The first time I sat next to him, he explained that he doesn't play where he works because 'I might have an outburst and say the wrong thing and I don't want to get in trouble with my job'. He's probably in his early to mid 60's or so? He plays max bet always - and he wins a lot, usually. I watched him win around $2,000 in June and then played next to him again in July - and when he started chatting again, he realized that we'd played together before. In June, he asked a slot attendant to go cash in his (many) winning tickets - but in July, he asked me to watch his machine, which I did happily. He is a quirky kind of guy but very nice and fun. He plays 'long haul' slots - like me - where he stays at a machine for a long time and keeps playing. He's fun and I'm looking forward to seeing him again next time I play up there.
There's also a mysterious lady that plays a lot - I've seen her virtually every time I've gone to Atlantis. She plays smaller wagers but is at the machines a lot - she's a Black Diamond level (the highest) and she's not shy about telling waitresses that. She seems to pop in and out of the casino a lot and looks at her watch all the time - like she told her family she was running out to get a gallon of milk only she's in a casino playing (again). And again and again.
You wonder about people - how they support their slots. Michael goes through thousands of dollars in a matter of a few hours. I don't know what he does at the casino he works at - but he sure plays a lot of money when he plays. In June, he was literally at the machine for 12 hours straight and considering in the morning, he told me that he'd come to the casino straight from work and had to get home to sleep before his next shift, he ended up basically playing all day - no sleep. And he was back the next morning. Yikes. That's serious.
Mysterious lady isn't chatty and when she hits something, she has no interest in commiserating about it. When B. was with me, he sat to her right and I sat to her left and we were bantering back and forth and she never joined. B. didn't know what he was playing so I helped him when he had a question - she just ignored us both. So she's not a social player.
J. is always surprised that I will strike up conversations with strangers but that's part of the fun - encouraging each other, sympathizing. Getting excited for someone else's luck and appreciative that they are hoping for yours to improve. Or they are excited for you when you hit something worth getting excited about.
Mysterious lady is interesting because I know she plays a lot - Atlantis has drawings every Sunday and she ALWAYS wins something - ALWAYS. I've never been there for the drawings that her name doesn't come up - and I know it's her 'cuz I've seen her enough to recognize her when she's claiming her winnings.
I'm going to be Black Diamond level at Atlantis someday because it's based entirely on 'time at a machine' - not dollars wagered. So I will play low wager and just wrack up time as a local and enjoy every minute of it. I've met some really fun people and enjoy making connections with people - getting to 'know them' even if they aren't reciprocal in their demeanor towards me. You can learn a lot about people just watching - how they treat the slot attendants and the waitresses, for example - and I want to be someone they get used to seeing and will go out of their way to help or 'serve' me because I am nice, polite and appreciative.
It was a super long week (psyche-wise) while going by in a lightening-like way. Time moves so quickly while I simultaneously feel things dragging at times. The schools are back in full swing so it's a never ending stream of people, places and things.
We are going to Modesto tomorrow to take H. to lunch - with his friend M. - who is a girl. They are planning to date as soon as they are 'allowed' to do so - but for now, they are rehab friends who are supportive of each other and spend time together as often as they can. She has a car and can drive so H. has been getting rides from her - which is nice and saves him bus fare. (Which is really saving us bus fare since we are still his bank). He applied for a job today and has a friend who works there so fingers crossed he can get a job.
I'm going to work most of Sunday which I wish I wasn't? But I am also sort of 'glad' I can - I have a lot of things to do that are best done in a quiet environment - and many things to catch up on along with working on year-end.
(NOTE: Do not worry. We will be budgeting the same as always. I promise.).
I've played at Atlantis enough that I now recognize people.
Last trip, I played (again) with Michael. He works at a casino in Sparks. The first time I sat next to him, he explained that he doesn't play where he works because 'I might have an outburst and say the wrong thing and I don't want to get in trouble with my job'. He's probably in his early to mid 60's or so? He plays max bet always - and he wins a lot, usually. I watched him win around $2,000 in June and then played next to him again in July - and when he started chatting again, he realized that we'd played together before. In June, he asked a slot attendant to go cash in his (many) winning tickets - but in July, he asked me to watch his machine, which I did happily. He is a quirky kind of guy but very nice and fun. He plays 'long haul' slots - like me - where he stays at a machine for a long time and keeps playing. He's fun and I'm looking forward to seeing him again next time I play up there.
There's also a mysterious lady that plays a lot - I've seen her virtually every time I've gone to Atlantis. She plays smaller wagers but is at the machines a lot - she's a Black Diamond level (the highest) and she's not shy about telling waitresses that. She seems to pop in and out of the casino a lot and looks at her watch all the time - like she told her family she was running out to get a gallon of milk only she's in a casino playing (again). And again and again.
You wonder about people - how they support their slots. Michael goes through thousands of dollars in a matter of a few hours. I don't know what he does at the casino he works at - but he sure plays a lot of money when he plays. In June, he was literally at the machine for 12 hours straight and considering in the morning, he told me that he'd come to the casino straight from work and had to get home to sleep before his next shift, he ended up basically playing all day - no sleep. And he was back the next morning. Yikes. That's serious.
Mysterious lady isn't chatty and when she hits something, she has no interest in commiserating about it. When B. was with me, he sat to her right and I sat to her left and we were bantering back and forth and she never joined. B. didn't know what he was playing so I helped him when he had a question - she just ignored us both. So she's not a social player.
J. is always surprised that I will strike up conversations with strangers but that's part of the fun - encouraging each other, sympathizing. Getting excited for someone else's luck and appreciative that they are hoping for yours to improve. Or they are excited for you when you hit something worth getting excited about.
Mysterious lady is interesting because I know she plays a lot - Atlantis has drawings every Sunday and she ALWAYS wins something - ALWAYS. I've never been there for the drawings that her name doesn't come up - and I know it's her 'cuz I've seen her enough to recognize her when she's claiming her winnings.
I'm going to be Black Diamond level at Atlantis someday because it's based entirely on 'time at a machine' - not dollars wagered. So I will play low wager and just wrack up time as a local and enjoy every minute of it. I've met some really fun people and enjoy making connections with people - getting to 'know them' even if they aren't reciprocal in their demeanor towards me. You can learn a lot about people just watching - how they treat the slot attendants and the waitresses, for example - and I want to be someone they get used to seeing and will go out of their way to help or 'serve' me because I am nice, polite and appreciative.
It was a super long week (psyche-wise) while going by in a lightening-like way. Time moves so quickly while I simultaneously feel things dragging at times. The schools are back in full swing so it's a never ending stream of people, places and things.
We are going to Modesto tomorrow to take H. to lunch - with his friend M. - who is a girl. They are planning to date as soon as they are 'allowed' to do so - but for now, they are rehab friends who are supportive of each other and spend time together as often as they can. She has a car and can drive so H. has been getting rides from her - which is nice and saves him bus fare. (Which is really saving us bus fare since we are still his bank). He applied for a job today and has a friend who works there so fingers crossed he can get a job.
I'm going to work most of Sunday which I wish I wasn't? But I am also sort of 'glad' I can - I have a lot of things to do that are best done in a quiet environment - and many things to catch up on along with working on year-end.
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Tales of Helpers
Our cleaning lady D. is here today - she wears earbuds and chats on the phone while she works. She is the third cleaning 'person(s)'...
