Feels Like Orchestrated Chaos

I headed up to bed on Friday grumpy.  Saturday was going to include going to Hayward for most of the morning and then having lunch with H. and his sponsor C..  And working....which meant thinking about getting to work for a few hours BEFORE the trip to Hayward and working into the late evening AFTER the lunch with H. and C..  It all felt like way too much - and especially knowing that Sunday would be a full day of work as well.  (And it's my second weekend in a row of working so I'm a little behind on feeling like I've had a day off).

Early Saturday morning, my cell phone rang and it was my therapist K. saying that she was pretty sick and knew she was contagious - fever, chills, 'the worst sore throat I've had in my life'.  She was cancelling.  I had already given up totally on the idea of getting to the office for a few hours before heading to Hayward - so I lingered a bit at home.  Before I left for work, H. confirmed that C. son had car trouble, was pulled over on the side of a road and needed help - so lunch was off. 

Just like that, a mostly normal day of work. 

We've had quite a bit of kid drama this week.  It's been a reminder that parenting doesn't stop and it's possible that BOOM! sort of feeling contributed to my sense of overwhelm. 

The beautiful lady who B. was seeing pulled a 360 on him - they went to dinner last Sunday and while I'm still a little fuzzy on all that happened, suffice it to say it was a hard dinner.  B. realized that she was still dating someone he was under the impression she had stopped seeing.  On Monday, he said she texted him that she was going to stop seeing the other guy.  On Wednesday, she texted him that there was a lot of stuff going on at home and work, she was feeling very stressed and needed to 'take a break'.  B. was (appropriately) upset - and said (inserting another fun, smiley, clearly smitten picture of the two of them from the Winter Ball) 'how do you go from this to 'need a break' in the span of a week? 

I tried to encourage B. to accept what she was asking for - a break.  She didn't say she never wanted to see him again; didn't say anything other than 'a lot of things happening at home and work' - so accept that she needs/wants some space.  He wasn't really good on that score - and I had to remind myself that I didn't know all the 'other' pieces of the puzzle that B. might.

He said (to me) on Friday 'I'm really not interested in talking to her, Mom'.  This in response to me suggesting he let her know that he was headed out for 10 days of 'off the grid' maneuvers.  He said 'she knows when I'm going on my training exercise, Mom, and I don't want to talk to her.  Might not be the noblest of responses, but it's what I think I need to do'. 

I do give him credit for living according to his convictions. 

B. (girl B.) did reach out to son B. before he left - said she hoped he had a good week.  He asked how she was doing and she said 'there's just a lot going on' and he said 'OK'.  At least he inquired to confirm he cares about her and glad she inquired of him to confirm the same. 

Who knows how this will all turn out. I certainly don't. 

H. is now living with his sponsor - and yes, there was something that happened that necessitated that change - but it's something C. (sponsor) had been offering and suggesting to H. for a while.  It's a better arrangement for H. - though it does add some complexity to him getting to/from meetings and follow-up care at New Hope.  To add to the extreme stress (of all of us), he was offered a new job at WileyX - he's working in the lens room using lasers to cut the lenses.  The shift starts at 6 and ends at 2:30 - and that schedule didn't work with commuting with C. (who also works at Wiley X).  Luckily, the other person working in the lens room also lives in Modesto so H. is carpooling with him. 

And as if all that wasn't enough change, Wiley X is doing a month of mandatory overtime that will have H. reporting to work at 4AM everyday - from now until Christmas.  Luckily, the person H. commutes with will also have to work that shift - so H. still has a ride.

H. thinks he will be off for two weeks for Christmas and New Years and if that's true, he is going to spend a day or two taking care of the issues he has in San Mateo.  He needs to get the warrant resolved - because if the people he rides with get pulled over, H. is going to jail - and he needs to get the warrant 'closed' so that won't happen. 

I've got a massive report due to the Board in a week and while I made good progress this weekend, I feel way, way behind.  I'm planning to close my office door, close the window blind and put on my ear buds and toil away all day tomorrow - because I have a massive amount of (other) Board prep to do as well. 

I have a lot of moments these days when I feel like I can't keep track of everything - I'm making stupid mistakes that take a ton of time to fix - and it makes me worry that I'm going to make a huge mistake any my legacy will be 'she's the CBO who made such a huge error right before she retired that the district was in financial peril'.  I know the odds are not likely but...it's how I feel.  On top of all the stuff at home and all the regular stuff at work, I'm also trying (mostly in vain, it feels like) to create documentation, process and procedures for the incoming CBO - it feels pretty impossible but I'm trying.  At least I'm somewhat relieved to confirm that there is absolutely no way there will be someone in my role when we come back after Winter Break - and it's looking more like February or March.  My boss has decided to go out using a search firm which will lengthen the process a bit but will likely result in someone with more experience and up to the tasks. 

Assuming March, I'll have four weeks that month, off for close to three weeks in April for our cruise and then back just in time to work on budget with the new person.  Ten weeks after returning from the cruise, I'll be packing up.  Seven months will zoom by - I'm sure of that. 

Tomorrow, we conference with the builder - the new floor plan is awesome but still has some oddities that we need to fix.  But it is much more appropriate for the shape of the lot and we love how it's looking so far!