Sleepy

It's only 7:46PM and I'm fighting falling asleep right here in my chair. Busy, busy day.

We spent the morning celebrating H's birthday - he had a perfect birthday breakfast - home made chocolate chip cookies and milk. We piddled around the house - realized around 11 AM that Costco isn't open tomorrow so J. made a very quick trip for our weekly rations. And to gas up the van. $4.01 per gallon. Oh my gosh. I can't get over it. It was $60. Thankfully, my last CBO class is this coming Friday which will drastically reduce the number of days my commute is more than 4 miles round trip. Glad for that. Good thing we're looking at buying another hybrid. More about that in a future post.

Anyway, we headed to Alameda for the party - it was fun. Though a bit awkward. We don't see these people much anymore - though there was a time in my life when I was there everyday, when the kids we were celebrating graduating from college were 20 years younger. It was great to see them and we enjoyed the visit. We went for a walk to the apartment I used to live in. A brief stroll down memory lane. My feet were killing me since I didn't exactly wear walking shoes.

I lived in Alameda from 1985 until 1989. These friends were like my family - they had 2 young children when I met them (the husband was a coworker of mine at Mervyn's). I would babysit for them a lot and I refused to let them pay me. They were good friends and I spent many, many evenings at their home, enjoying family dinners. Their third child, a daughter, was a 'surprise' - and I was honored to be present at her birth. Every Friday night, we'd spend the evening together watching Dallas and Falcon Crest. We'd get the kids in bed and then the three adults would pop popcorn, open some sodas and watch 2 hours of great TV. We did that FOR YEARS and to this day, whenever I see or hear the Dallas theme, I think of M. and S. and the great times I had with them.

The two daughters graduated from college - one from Cal State East Bay and the other from Cal Berkeley. They are all grown up - one of them has a 3 1/2 year old son that she's raised alone, while going to school full time and working. They are good kids. Nice family. Their mom, S., was my matron of honor. Hard to believe that was over 18 years ago. Their oldest child, a son, is getting married in a month. It was a bit hard to realize that we weren't invited to the wedding - but it's a son's wedding and that means the bride's parents are footing most of the bill, most likely, so guess that's to be expected. Still, it made me sad since seeing these kids get married is something I've been looking forward to for a long time. Hopefully, we can be there when the daughters get married.

We left the party about 2 hours after we arrived and headed back home. Stopped at Stoneridge Mall for H. to spend some of his birthday money and gift cards. Sadly, he only found one pair of shorts. He wanted shirts and shoes. Guess we'll be shopping more tomorrow.

I will be working tomorrow, all day. At least 6 hours and quite possibly 8. Much to do. Have several things I really need to make progress on so I'll hopefully sleep better.

I did manage to sleep until around 7:35 this morning. I woke up at 6:30 and just forced myself to go back to sleep. Which wasn't too hard. The weather has taken an odd turn towards 'cooler' so I pulled the covers up and snuggled in for a little more sleep. Would have really loved to sleep until 9 - just roll over and go back to sleep - but had a cake and cookies to bake. Maybe tomorrow will be a 9AM morning. THAT will be great.

It's been a Law and Order marathon day today! Oh, and I discovered hulu.com - so many TV shows you can watch right on your computer. It's great - Mary Tyler Moore, Lou Grant, Dick Van Dyke, etc. It's GREAT. J. discovered it a few weeks ago and looped me in. AND Law and Order is on hulu.com as well, so now I really CAN watch it 24/7 (which J. swears I do anyway).

Don't forget at 3PM tomorrow to stop whatever you are doing and take a moment of silence for those who have given their lives fighting for our freedom. I don't think our current war has anything to do with a fight for freedom, but I still want to acknowledge and thank those who are serving. To think that 'doing my job' would involve fighting in a war - I can't really fathom that level of commitment. I can't imagine it.

The letters from every branch of the armed forces continue to arrive weekly for B. Camouflage on the envelopes is a dead giveaway. I'm filing them. Somewhere.

Happy Memorial Day, everyone. Pray for our country and for those serving in Iraq and Afghanistan and all our men and women in the Armed Forces.

Scented

H. has a list of wants for his birthday. This list includes an amount of cash - and I won't write it here because it's a sore point. Suffice it to say that when the subject came up a couple months ago, his attitude - one of entitlement, expectation and angst - put me over the edge and I ended the conversation with a 'you might get $100'. That did not please him. Can you imagine? A kid being upset that they might get $100 for their birthday. I think I got $100 for Christmas once and I remember it because my mom said that she gave us money so we could get more clothes when the sales started after Christmas. So true.

Anyway, it's been a long two months of H. wrangling for what he wants. And it is a special day, one that deserves much celebration. But his attitude about it has completely done me in - and so I have resisted giving him any impression he will be getting much.

He asked for money (got smarter and stopped mentioning an amount), aWii game and a cologne called 'Diesel Fuel for Life'. Most of the colognes he picks out are along the line of 'Bod' sprays - carried by Target and other mass retailers and about $7 per bottle. He sprays this stuff on constantly - CONSTANTLY. For Christmas, he'll usually get a mid-line bottle of something - the kind that you can get at Longs or Walgreens. Maybe $20.

I sent J. on the 'mission' after we went out to dinner (doing H's birthday dinner a day early because we are attending that grad party tomorrow) to go find that cologne. He did. The small bottle was $45 and the larger bottle was $60 - with a free bath gel. We got it for him [the larger size with the bath gel] 'cuz - because he really has only asked for those 3 things for the past 4 months and I don't want to disappoint him. But damn! For a kid?? I sure hope it smells good!

We also did find the Wii game and will give him $100. And a gift card for his favorite store so he can get some clothes. He can never have too many t-shirts. And he needs shoes, though we'll buy those - he doesn't have to use birthday money for necessities. He does have to use gift money for hats, belts, etc. - things that he wants vs. needs. We will buy him a belt. Just not a belt with a fancy buckle that costs $30 - BELT NOT INCLUDED.

We plan a quiet morning at home (I brought work home today and hope to get a couple hours in tomorrow) and then we'll head to Alameda for the afternoon. Hope to be home early evening.

I am working a lot this weekend (most of the day today) but am glad to be able to sleep in. This morning, I made it to 6:30 which while not 'late' is certainly much later than 4:30, relatively speaking. It felt nice. And I'll try for 7ish tomorrow, hopefully. I don't mind working - I feel fine about it. I have a lot to do and I don't mind plugging away. I'm just really, REALLY glad to be able to sleep in for 3 days in a row. I need it.

15 years ago tonight I was in the hospital being induced. Labor didn't start. My doctor came in and said 'M., I just don't think he's ready'. And I said 'I am not leaving this hospital without a baby'. That's the kind of thing a 2nd time mother whose first delivery resulted in 100s of stitches, weeks of pain and a bad round of PPD can say and people take seriously. She didn't argue, and we tried again the next morning. I went into labor at around 7AM and he was born just after noon. His delivery was a piece of cake and when it was over, I said I'd like to do it again. It was THAT great. And H. was in the world - with his cute little button nose and tons of hair and the sweetest little face. He looked so NOT like B. He was all his dad's side of the family from day one. And once again, our life changed forever. I remember feeling this sense of sorrow - for B. That HIS life changed most of all and he had no 'say' in it. We made him a sibling without his consent. I remember thinking that a lot this time (birth-eve) 15 years ago. How he was no longer the 'center' of our world - he'd have to share that designation with a little brother. I didn't regret deciding to have two - but I just still vividly remember how 'sad' I felt that B's perfect little life - with two parents who doted on him, and ONLY him - was over forever. Life changes.

It's still changing. Just with two teens in the house instead of two babies. Change never stops. Just have to hold on for the bumpy parts. And enjoy the smooth parts. And remember they are a gift - even when they're angst filled, PITAs. They are a gift.

And I am grateful.

Villagers

My Virtual Villagers game is progressing. And this latest version has some funny things that are ringing close to home.

The villagers start out as babies. And when they reach the age of 14, they are able to 'work'. You take them to various 'tasks' and they will learn to do them. Important things necessary for survival like fishing and harvesting to provide food for the village. Building to provide shelter. Studying to gain technology points and learn things that help the village progress.

But the teens - oh, the teens. They are stubborn and selfish. In the latest version, they LIE DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE VILLAGE AND STARE AT THE SKY! And when you run your cursor over them, it will tell you they are 'bored' or 'unsure what to do' or 'doing nothing'. And they will stay in that state FOREVER unless you repeatedly drag them to a task and force them to do it. And even then, even when you've dragged them over and over to teach them to do something and they do it, they still tell you 'no'. For a long time while they're learning, they will do the task but when they're done, they stand there and shake their head and say a firm, resolute 'no'. 'NO'. Like at home, I just drag their sorry ass BACK to the task and make them do it again. And again and again and again until finally, FINALLY, they will do it on their own without you having to hover over them. It cracks me up.

And then it doesn't - because I remember that this game is currently very real-life reflection of what life is like with two teens in the house. There is a lot of DRAGGING THEM to things that are important and a lot of them begrudgingly doing it - with all that attitude filled angst and attitude teens are full of - and then telling you 'no' at the end. Now, my kids are too smart to just say 'no'. THAT would be too obvious and result in severe penalties including loss of car privileges, etc. But there is a lot of 'no' in this house lately even without the word being uttered.

We are heading into summer when the boredom factor rages strongly. We're working on filling up their days with a little fun, a little focus and some worthwhile activities that contribute to society and to our home. But it will be a constant, daily struggle. I will wage a war with them - with To Do lists and reading lists and chores, etc. And they will begrudgingly do the assignments, filled with attitude and pissiness. But they'll do it. They will. And someday, they'll realize that they are fortunate. They don't have to do things to SURVIVE. They don't have to work incredibly hard to get food and shelter and water, etc. All those things are readily available to them in this country, in this family. And they don't appreciate how easy they have it - yet - but someday, they will.

There are many things in the latest version that I love. I love that the kids all play in the puddles when it rains. I love that they dance a lot. I love how they laugh and giggle and run all over the place exploring. I love how they 'look for their mommy'. All those things are such fun, kid-appropriate things. We need more of that around this house. More laughing and giggling. More dancing. Less angst. More joy.

And I have no problem with some time for self reflection. A little contemplation is a good thing. Maybe they should try lying around a bit. Maybe those villagers know what they're doing - because they DO eventually start working nonstop, being ultra-productive and fine, contributing members of their society. Maybe. We can always hope.

It's going to be a long summer.

Wanting

I think of things to write here all the time. In my sleep. Upon awakening. In the car. So many things to say - of little interest to anyone but me but I like to write things down so when I'm older, I can read my own writings and remember. I want to write all the time. I just don't.

It's just time that's lacking - not the desire to communicate. Just the time to do so. It's been one of those weeks of arising at 4:30AM and being at my desk or en route to a meeting before 7, often by 6 this week. And lest you think 'wow, it takes her a long time to get ready in the morning', no, not really. But I do an hour or so of emails each morning as a 'head start' to my day. In fact, this week, I was transacting business on the phone with someone else who was up early and our emails to each other around 5:15 resulted in a 'hey, are you available by phone' so we transacted on the phone - at 5:30 AM. So, I arrive very early to my office and then I've been working until they are locking the gates - something about that 'being locked in' (though I have a key) just doesn't feel good and compels me to bolt from my office regardless of the state it's in. 12 hour days are enough, don't you think? And yet, they're not 'cuz it's a 3 days weekend and I'll be working 2 of those days. I'd be working the third, also, but it's H's birthday (#15 - and he's available for loan if anyone wants him - angst filled teenager to the MAX and he's not one of my favorite people right now. I'm still rejoicing in his birth and am blessed to have him as a son but he is frying my last nerve. TOTALLY) and we have a graduation party that day as well. It WAS to have been a 4 day weekend but I realized that even considering taking tomorrow off is out of the question. Tomorrow is a 'free' day relatively speaking (in terms of my calendar) and there's a minute chance that I could make some progress on things and maybe be able to be home part of Monday. At the very least, I do hope to sleep in all three days - I am exhausted.

A good thing happened this week which I will write down now before I forget. It's a pretty huge 'milestone' for me. I had a meeting on Wednesday morning that conveyed a lot of information in a short time. Most of the information being conveyed added hours of work to my already overwhelming workload. Scary amounts of things to reconsider, redo and prepare to present in a few weeks. It boggled my mind. And I felt overwhelmed and asked, just for a moment 'why in the heck am I doing this'? BUT, for the first time in the 17 months I've been in this job, I did not have a 'flee' reaction. No 'there's always [insert former school name here]'. Nope, not this time. This time, I thought 'well, it's a lot but I can do it'. And I can. And it feels so much 'easier' since there's no immediate gut reaction relating to NOT being where I am. It was just the acceptance of 'this IS where you are and so take a deep breath and DO IT'.

It is a huge breakthrough for me to feel that way. HUGE. It has shifted my perspective on so many things. I am past caring/worrying/fretting about the things I can't control. I know what my job is, and I know how to do it - and that's what I'm going to do. MY JOB.

And so I am. And yes, I can. And I will!

Skipping

Missing church this morning. I am heading to a Lions brunch - we are installing our new club officers. After that, I'll go into work for the afternoon. I'll cruise to Starbucks for two iced teas and then go straight to work - 'cuz if I stop at home, I'll want to hit the pool (now 83 degrees) instead of heading into my office. I am in Yolo County tomorrow for a class (THE LAST YOLO CLASS!!) I will miss the lovely town of Woodland but NOT miss the two hour drive each way. Only one more class to go on the 30th of May and my CBO classes will be OVER. YEAH ME!
Tuesday is jammed with meetings so I need an office day today to get things done. Most people are taking off next Friday for a 4 day weekend and while I'd love to do that, it's not likely. But we'll see. If I work today and spend some long(er) days there this week, it might be possible to at least take off 1/2 day Friday. And the funny thing is: it's likely I won't even really take off the Monday holiday. Have a budget to get to the Board in June and things just changed considerably with the issuing of the May Revise. So I have plenty, PLENTY to do and a limited, finite number of days to get it all done.

J. is getting ready to do the Costco shop alone and he'll gas up the van (since I filled up his car yesterday). He and the boys will work around the house and most likely spend time in the pool. I'll get home early enough to have a swim before dinner and will hopefully be cooled off enough to do a bit of yard work. It sounds like such a do-able thing: work in the yard, jump in the pool, repeat. But it's so incredibly HOT that it's harder than it sounds. Still, in the late(r) afternoon sun, I'll be able to get a couple things done. The pool deck and patio need a good hosing off and there are plenty of things to prune and weed.

More later.

Keyless

Note to my dear hubby:

REMEMBER that your car is a 'keyless' car. It starts with the push of a button. And it will run even if the 'key' (which really isn't a key - just looks like a tiny garage transmitter, really) isn't anywhere nearby. BUT when the person driving the car stops the car and shuts off the engine, say to put in gasoline, it will not restart unless that 'keyless remote' is IN THE CAR.

Thank goodness I noticed the red triangle blinking on the dashboard and pulled over to figure out what was wrong - and then saw the message 'key not present'. So I was able to quickly pull over, lock it (also keyless) and walk back to the Honda dealer where you were picking up the van and retrieved the key and proceeded on my way to get gas and take care of other various errands. While you did the same in the van.

Keyless is great. As long as you don't forget to leave the other driver the little 'remote' that makes it work.

Love,

Wifey

Proclamation

Let it be known that on this, the 17th of May, 2008, Majah was the first one entering the pool this season. This has never happened in the history of our family nor the history of our pool.

The pool temp was 87 degrees. Even Majah had to admit that it was a bit overly warm - pleasant but not all that refreshing. As soon as you exited the pool into the scorching heat (100+ degrees today), you were immediately hot again.

The cover is off and it will cool off a bit overnight which will help.

But then, Majah won't be the first one in again. She doesn't like pools that 'take her breath away'.