Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Just So Angry

There's so much anger simmering inside me these days - I'm SO MAD - and there's nowhere for it to go.  I can't act out.  I can't scream.  I can't cry, mainly because if I start, I fear I won't stop.  And while some of the anger is probably overwhelming sadness, much of it is JUST PLAIN SO ANGRY.  It's so hard to describe the feelings I'm having the past few days because it's almost like it's just enormously BAD that my mind can't handle it.

I want to scream for hours.  Yell.  Run 20 miles until I drop from exhaustion and then, and only then, might I get any kind of decent sleep.

There are a series of posts in the works that will lay out the timeline of events.  Our family is pretty much shattered at this point.  J. and I are at odds on many levels and I don't really see (or feel) that ending anytime soon.

Cutting someone out of my life isn't something that is easy to do - far from it.  But I have to distance myself from H. at this point because I have nothing to offer - no words, no feelings, zero support - nothing.  I can't stand the thought of him in front of me because I truly fear what I will say.

He told J. 'she's trying to break me'.  J., in his usual 'nothing majorly bad' way said 'I took that to mean you wanted to make him cry'.  Um, no.  He thinks I've trying to break his spirit.  And I'm not.  I really am not.  But I am the one person in his life who says the hard thing(s) to him  - I don't mince words, I get right to it and when my bullshit radar is going off constantly, you're better off just staying the hell away from me.  To H., me being direct about the serious issues that have been revealed in the last week or so is me trying to 'break him'.

And I'm sick and tired of J. trying to put him back together again.

H. says he's hit rock bottom, but I don't think so.  I'm not sure what rock bottom is for someone in his situation but I don't think he's there yet.

We may be.  J. and I truly might be.  I feel the need to distance myself from him - and I've never felt that way before.  I don't know what that means or what it will look like but...I feel it in my bones.

I'm hoping heading to Reno in a month for some time by myself will help.  But I truly fear it won't.

H. didn't just shatter himself.  He shattered all of us.  He broke us - all of us.

And I'm not sure we're ever going to be put back together again - we will never be the same again.  I may never see or speak to H. again and I say that with such pain in my heart and soul - but I'm not going to continue to enable him to spin his stories, weave lies into reality, steal from us, manipulate us.  I'm done -

His 25th birthday is Friday and I won't be reaching out to him in any way.  Hard?  Yes.  But it's how he approached Mother's Day so....we 'match' in our approach towards each other.  On his 25th birthday, he is homeless, penniless, parentless (at least 1/2 of his parents are stepping away).  He already got his gift when he scammed us out of $185 for (supposedly) a new set of headphones.  Which they never purchased.

Here comes the anger again.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Thanks to a Locksmith

There's a lot more to this story and I'm not sure when/if I'll write it - but today, we called a locksmith and had all the locks changed.  Sent a text to our (former) guests letting them know they could come by at a set time for 30 minutes to get what they need for a few days. 

They didn't show - who's surprised?  Anyone? 

I'm having a Blue Moon and heading to bed in a locked down house and feel calmer and happier than I've felt in months. 

While still dealing with a very heavy, sad heart.  It's not easy drawing a line.  Guess they call it tough love for a reason.

More soon.  I lost 1/2 day today with the drama that unfolded and I'm going to have to be super laser focused this weekend to catch up. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Fun Surprise!

I've been in touch with all three of my siblings in the past 24 hours!  It's a miracle.  I don't remember that EVER happening - and I hope it continues.  I will hopefully catch up with one of them by phone tomorrow. Sure hope so!

The house guests left the house around 3AM - which we know because J. checked the security logs.  They returned not that long ago and were here briefly late afternoon.  We have no idea where they went and wonder if H. went to the 'open house' face to face interview he's been telling us about.  (Though first he said it was Monday, then Tuesday, then today - and then he disappears for hours and we seriously doubt that he went). 

J. came up with some ideas about memorializing our transition plan.  The trickiest part is actually seeing them and talking about it face to face.  I'm not willing to drag this out forever waiting for actual conversation with them - I'm leaning more towards giving them a letter.  Tape one to their door, slide a copy under their drawer, tape one to the car steering wheel and put one under the windshield wiper.  Four copies and we stand a chance of them seeing it. 

No idea where they went and my mind goes to weird places.  Time enough to drive to Reno and get married?  Not sure they would do that but they might.  H. has implied to J. that there are serious 'issues' surfacing between them - we're sure she's working hard at convincing him to screw us out of the $ he owes us and should be able to pay us back shortly - and it appears his conscience is reminding him just how wrong that would be.  We'll see. 

We both agree that in the event we aren't paid back, the transition timeline moves up significantly - as in 24 hours and you're out.

We'll see.  Like all things with these two, it's been often times just a crap shoot about what they will/won't do and what they understand about what is happening.  I mean, they are leaving.  They know we are serious.  But we haven't provided a firm date (though we have a date planned and we will share that in the letter, too). 

It's just a mess....but we're starting to feel a little better about it.  After months of feeling used and abused, we're taking back control.  They aren't all that happy about any of it but they seem to be 'getting' that we are not backing down and they are leaving.  I hope we don't have to call the police to escort them from the house but we will if we have to. 

And then we look forward to claiming our happy home back. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Bird Watching

The backyard is full of birds helping themselves to the seed we put out.  After a few weeks of a steady supply of peanuts and various seeds, the Blue Jays are starting to 'fill out' a bit.  They looked bedraggled and thin when they started but now, they're looking full and happy.  They've been joined by lots of smaller birds and we're enjoying the variety. 

We purchased a new vertical planter from Costco and I'd said I would get rid of the potting bench to make room for it - but I'm not letting the potting bench go.  It's got a seed 'tray' on it and I love watching the birds from my desk. 

We're afraid to try the vertical planter 'cuz it's not what we were expecting.  I'll try to post a picture soon to show you what it looks like and we will eventually try it because I was hoping to grow some veggies in it - and maybe herbs!

It was a good and busy day at work although it ended with a budget model I was uploading into the system having a complete failure - and (unusually), our COE took forever to get back to me.  I just saw an email that it's 'fixed' though I'll have to do the upload again tomorrow - but that's not a big deal.

My sister and her hubby are traveling and are spending the night in Texas tonight - got caught in a super bad storm.  They are traveling near where our brother lives so she's going to spend some time with him at his new house!  Can't wait to hear about it!

I'm already feeling ready for sleep and it's not even 7PM yet. 

Continued Unraveling

Yesterday was horribly hard.  I was barely functioning through the morning - my head still reeling from the theft realization and feeling sad and overwhelmed about everything.

Apparently, H. was too, because he went for an 'emergency' counseling session in Manteca.  Texted J. to tell him.  I feel for H. because I'm sure he's getting a huge amount of pressure.  To believe that we are the worst parents in the world for asking them to leave.  Trying to convince him to keep the funds he owes us since we are making them 'homeless'.  I get all those things - but the reasons we are asking them to leave seem to get lost in the mix.  It's the continued pattern we've experienced - a lack of any kind of personal accountability and taking responsibility for your actions.  (Or in this case mostly taking responsibility for your complete and total FAILURE TO ACT).  As in act with care and consideration for the two people who have been sheltering you for months, gratis.

H. hasn't spoken to me in days - including not a word on Mother's Day.  He did send me a text (which was a reply to my text to him) but then didn't reply to my reply. 

I don't know about you, but no matter how upset I might have ever been with my mom, I would never ignore Mother's Day. 

This was not the best Mom's day weekend I've had and it sure carried over into Monday. 

I feel better this morning.  More confident about the decision even though the implementation is still a fricking mess and there's no end in sight to the drama enveloping us.  But oh well.  I am going to hit the ground running on the work front today so I can keep getting things done and move forward on my work goals which has a positive affect on me, in general.

We have let H. know that we love him unconditionally and that is forever and non-contingent on anything happening around here.  However, we are not letting his upset and sadness convince us to keep trying, which is what he wants.  J. mentioned to him 'and we're going to need R. to go with me to storage so we can put the unit in her name' and H. said 'so when she can't pay the bill, we'll be homeless and lose all our stuff'?  Hard reality - but when the solution is 'so your parents should keep paying $3K plus a year to store all her/your stuff?  Really'?  No.  That ship has sailed.

R. hasn't shown up face to face in days - she may be sleeping here a few hours a night but mostly, she appears to be gone.  We don't actually know if H. is home or gone at the moment but J. will figure that out shortly.

It's still a drama filled day but I can handle it.

Monday, May 14, 2018


J. and I are at that age where things happen and we struggle to keep memories straight.  For the past couple days, we've been noticing that money isn't where it should be.  I use an envelope system and money has gone missing over the past few days.  But I never want to accuse - because it's possible, I counted wrong.  Or we used one envelope for something else and didn't write down the changes on the envelope?

But this morning, I'm pretty sure - we're being stolen from.  I shouldn't be surprised, really - but the confirmation of it - having just counted an envelope before I went upstairs last night, noted the amount and waking up this morning to find $60 missing - is so shocking, I feel like I've been stomach punched repeatedly.

Our house guests are already gone - I'm thinking she's moving the car 'cuz she knows we're pretty darn close to getting one of those gadgets that locks the steering wheel so she can't take the car anymore.

Sadly, I think we're going to have to up the timeline considerably and just get the locks changed and call it done - sooner rather than later - we aren't going to give them too long anyway so what difference does a couple weeks make in the grand scheme of things.

And this is the start of another long stretch of multiple work days in a row.  I finished my 20th day straight on Saturday, enjoyed yesterday off and now am looking at (at least) 26 days in a row.  Counting those days out and writing that total down is hard.  But it is what it is.

And yes, we are going to lock up all the envelopes in the safe from now on along with everything else we need to lock up.  Don't trust our guests as far as I can throw them - and we're so done.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

My Wee Brain is So Tired

This is my 18th straight work day and while I'd love to say 'but I'm almost done!', I'm so far from that, it's ridiculous.  A lot can happen in the next three weeks - and that's a fact 'cuz it will all be done - but geez, it's so dang hard.  It's so many moving parts and so much to do and the complexity of all of it at the same time is just hard to deal with at times. 

There's also a fair amount of drama on the home front these days and I feel so fragmented, broken and exhausted from that as well.  My mind is whipping back and forth constantly.  Try.  No, don't try.  They don't try.  Why should you?  Leave.  They have to leave.  Where will they go?  I don't give a shit.  I really don't (most of the time).  The latest things are just mind blowing and H.'s reaction of sort of 'righteous indignation' combined with defensiveness takes me back to the days of when he was using drugs so much, he was barely functioning.  So is she his drug?  Sometimes, that what it seems like.  He's starting to be very much like her in the way he responds to things that haven't gone well and have left us stammering to try to make sense of it all. 

They have to go - they do.  But making that happen is just a gosh-awful mess.  It would be so easy to say 'car keys, please.  Now go upstairs, pack what you need for a few days and go stay somewhere else.  You can arrange to come back and get your stuff at a pre-arranged convenient time.  If you fail to show up for that pre-arranged time, we will consider everything left here abandoned property and dispose of it as we see fit.  And call a cab'.  Or Uber (ironic because R. started driving for them yesterday). 

J. seems appalled that I'm considering the above scenario and I feel appalled that he doesn't.  His intrinsic kindness (and a strong desire to avoid any and all confrontation) leads him to keep trying to rationalize the incredibly awful things happening here daily - while I simmer and fume and my fuse gets shorter and shorter minute by minute. 

I can no longer feel any sense of welcome or 'trying' with H. & R..  There is no 'try' - there is 'do or not do'.  (Thanks, Yoda).  And they do not.  Over and over and over.  And I've been a 'do' but I'm waning.  Very quickly. 

I drove to Lodi for a meeting today - long morning and got in to the office around noon.  I noticed my boss' car in the parking lot and he was supposed to be at a conference out of town W-Th-F this week.  A few minutes after I was back, he came in to my office, closed the door and said 'I have something I need to talk to you about'.  I could tell he was very serious.  I felt nervous for a minute and then thought 'maybe he's telling me he's leaving our district' - which would be very shocking because he's always said he plans to retire from it.  He said 'I've been going to a lot of appointments with J. (his wife) and yesterday, we were told that she has cancer'.  They are still doing a lot of tests to figure out the 'stage' and she has some other lesions that they are going to biopsy tomorrow - but they are sure it's cancer.  The oncologist told her 'your life expectancy is not going to be as long as you'd hoped' (words to that effect - he is very private and shared what he could but didn't want to get into too much specific detail).  They are starting chemotherapy next week (surgery does not appear to be an option).  I feel so awful for him - but their attitude is 100% 'we are going to do what we need to do and keep living our life - and pray'.  I told him we would pray, too.

He asked a lot of questions about our experience with H. - how was our insurance?  (Awesome.  And he has the 100% plan while we only had the 80% plan so he'll be even better).  How did H. do for chemo? 

It's pretty hard to hear a family member has cancer and their life is very much at risk.  But I shared how H. is a walking miracle (twice, actually) and we believe very strongly in miracles.  And J. (boss' wife) needs one so that's what we're praying for.

I'm hoping for a full, productive day tomorrow and then the same on Saturday - and then I hope to be giving myself a little down time on Sunday - Jackson!  And maybe Thunder Valley. 

Prayers for my boss and his family -

Just So Angry

There's so much anger simmering inside me these days - I'm SO MAD - and there's nowhere for it to go.  I can't act out.  I c...