Friday, December 02, 2016

Losing My Shit

I've been watching the status of the case I almost served on the jury for - periodically checking the court website to see what's happening.  Jury trial still proceeding though according to the timeline the judge presented, it should be wrapping up and in the hands of the jury by next week at the latest.

I don't know what compelled me to do this - but I entered our last name into the database - and guess what?  There's a pending case on record for H.!  What, you ask?  Us too!  The date of 'infraction' was 11/22 and it's set for 'appearance' or 'due' on 12/20.

He swore the cop told him it was a warning - and when I said 'get your ass out to your car NOW and bring me the paperwork', he did.  No sign of it being a warning.  It's a ticket for going 75 in a 55 zone and it's a ticket.

I totally lost my cool - and I admit when it comes to parenting him lately, 'my cool' is in short supply.

I don't know what to do - I honestly don't understand what is happening with him.  Counseling?  He can go as often as he wants but doesn't make it a priority.  School?  He's going - but I am in serious doubt at this point that he's passing.  He's just a wreck.

Friend drama....that's what he always says.  He's got himself so immersed in other people's crap - he's not dealing with his own.

I am angry that he never mentioned he'd been pulled over.  As if we wouldn't figure it out?  What was he going to do when the 'bill' for the ticket arrives in the mail in a couple weeks?

I'm more sure than ever that he's going to have his license suspended.  And I'm thinking he may actually have to appear vs. pay a fine 'cuz the DMV is going to see how many points he has at this point and make him show up before the judge.

Merry Christmas.

I think I'll make paying the fine (if we can pay a fine) his Christmas present.  That's it.  A copy of the check I'll mail to pay the fine wrapped in a box.

He should pay the fine, you say?  Yes, he should....but his savings is dwindling weekly and he can't afford things like this and still finish paying for school.

And no, there's no way for him to get to school on public transit.  No way.

I came home after a long, long day of negotiations in which I realized that it's likely I will be working quite a bit over the two week break to get the negotiations stuff drafted in time for our January board meeting.  I'm not thrilled about that but it is what it is.  J. made me a beer with a shot (or two) of Fireball whiskey in it.  I drank about half, ate crap for dinner (and a great steak lovingly prepared by hubby so I had protein with the crap) and am watching The Great American Baker recorded last night.

Heading up to bed shortly.  Hoping for a night of decent sleep, no alarm clock and then heading to the office for at least part of the day both Saturday and Sunday.

Everything will work out OK - one way or another, it will work out.

Sunday, November 27, 2016


I left my family home dozens of times in my life - I traveled to Phoenix for pretty much every major holiday through most of my college years - and I never remember feeling emotional when it came time to leave and go back to 'my life'.  Not once.  I was far more likely gleeful to be back 'on my own' with no judgmental people hanging around criticizing my every move.


B. is totally emotional when he leaves here and I am simultaneously so emotional myself - it's a hard thing, these departures.  We give each other huge hugs, big "I love you"s and he's off - and this time, we feel even more bereft 'cuz we're not sure when the next scheduled time together will be.  He's off on a bunch of trainings, etc. - and at the moment, he thinks 'late next year' may be when he's home again.  So this time next year.  An entire year.

That can't be.

Maybe we'll head to Nashville for a long weekend in late Spring - post cruise.

H. is still in bed - he actually was in bed all day yesterday - not feeling well.  Had a bad night of little sleep so slept most of the day.  I saw him briefly as I headed up to bed last night.  I hope he's feeling better.  He and his brother were planning a day of hanging out together but that didn't happen - and I think B. was pretty disappointed about that.

I'm going to get another cup of coffee, something to eat and then hop in the shower.  Need to work a longer day today.  These darn reports take so much time and I'm at the point where I feel like I'm getting closer to 'done' and then I realize there's still so much to do.  There's always so damn much to do.  

Job security!

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Winding Down

It's the last evening of Thanksgiving break and the last night B. is here.  We made homemade lobster mac 'n cheese for dinner and he invited a good friend over to join the house is filled with guy laughter and humor.  The dinner was delicious and I was a great hostess and allowed our guest the last slice of pumpkin pie for dessert.  The pie I'd been craving all day and skipped a glass of wine with dinner to have.

Backup plan was a small scoop of cookies 'n cream ice cream with some chocolate sauce on it.  My blood sugar will show a spike but it's the last night of the break and I wanted a little dessert.

J. will take B. to Oakland tomorrow morning and hopefully won't hit too much traffic on the way back.  I suggested we try to get B. to do AirBart but the flight is early enough, J. should be OK. Getting stuck in east bound traffic over the Altamont on the Sunday after Thanksgiving will be horrible and I sure hope he avoids it.

I worked a bit today in my office and plan to go in again tomorrow - trying to get ahead a bit.  There are only three weeks until Winter Break and it's going to absolutely fly by.  I'm so behind on so many big projects and I honestly am just shocked that it's already just a few weeks before Christmas.  I love how quickly time goes when it comes to work but's ridiculous.

Work story:  we have a new IT person.  He's young, ambitious, smart and really nice.  A little shy - not unusual for IT staff.  We were talking through some projects that are in process and he said 'I'll schedule it for Christmas break'.  And I said 'OK, but you will be here all by yourself - track your time and let me know how much you work and we'll arrange comp time'.  He said 'Comp time?  I know everyone else will be off but I'm new and don't have enough vacation to be off'.  I realized he thought he had to work those two weeks.  I was so happy to tell him 'we are closed those two weeks!  We are ALL OFF the full break - every year!'.  He was so excited!  It was so fun to totally make someone's day/week/month - he had no idea we are closed those two weeks.

I enjoyed a really quiet day at home yesterday until the guys arrived home around 9:30PM.  I felt like I did a lot of little things that needed doing and still enjoyed some down time.

I watched all four 90 minute episodes of the Gilmore Girls on Netflix and have to say I was a little disappointed.  The 'vibe' felt all wrong - Rory was all angst filled through every episode and her natural spunk and positivity were nowhere to be seen.  And after waiting YEARS for everything to be nicely packaged and wrapped up - the closure we needed after the abrupt cancellation of the show - there was some of that but it totally ended with a HUGE cliff hanger.  The only hope is that there will be additional 90 minute episodes - Netflix alludes to that by calling the 4 episodes 'Season 1' - but I sure hope we aren't going to be left hanging AGAIN.  The series abrupt end was hard to handle - but it was subtle.  They tried to cram as much as they could into the last episode.  But this cliff hanger? The last line of the 4 episodes?  There's nothing subtle about it.  I can't wait to hear what friends at work thought about the shows - we've all been waiting so long -

I honestly can't wait to crawl into my comfy, warm bed tonight and sleep a long sleep - I feel very tired.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Before Noon!

I'm embarrassingly proud of being showered and dressed before 11AM!  I've been pretty much 'dressing for dinner' the past few days so to be clean and clothed before lunch is a milestone.

Dog is snoozing all snuggled in her bed.  Dishwasher has been run and recycling sorted.  I'm getting ready to inventory the Goodwill items we identified yesterday - everywhere we were, we continued looking for things to pass on to someone else.

GilMORE the Merrier

Huge thanks and love to my amazing husband who forked over control of the remote control whenever asked the past week.  The Gilmore Girl marathon (SEVEN days and nights - every single episode) was loads of fun and while I missed quite a few (sleep and work related), I saw a lot and it was glorious.

In another demonstration of his perfectness, he took the boys down to Tulare for the day so I HAVE THE HOUSE TO MYSELF ALL DAY TODAY - and am enjoying the new Netflix Gilmore Girls marathon as well - four 1.5 hour episodes, each a season - catching up and giving us diehard fans a little closure (hopefully).  I never accepted the hodge podge end to the series and was so disappointed in how the show had to end key story lines abruptly - so I'm hoping to feel a little better when the last season of the mini-series ends.

I should go into work today so I can work when I'm not missing time with B. - but I remind myself that B. and H. are likely going to be doing paint ball tomorrow so...there's time for work later.

Leftovers (including pie!) and my computer - I'm a happy girl right now.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

November Brings

November is always a hard month for me.

This past Monday was the 50th 'anniversary' of the day my dad died.  Anniversary sounds celebratory which is absurd.  But that milestone day was looming all month and when it arrived, I felt as expected.  That day shattered our lives and left us all shattered and broken.

Sure, we've all made it 50 years past that horrific event - and that's something to be glad for.  I've had a blessed life - but this month brings all kinds of introspection and 'what if' scenarios - and the 50th time this day has arrived certainly packed more of a punch than usual.

A friend of mine lost her sister suddenly and their entire family is coming together - tons of siblings there for each other and supporting a mom who lost her 72 year old daughter.  It made me sad to realize that there's no support like that happening in my family - ever.  But it is what it is and nothing to be done to fix it.  We're all fully ensconced in being what we are to each other - minimal though it may be.

Yesterday would have been my mom's 92nd birthday - and I miss her a lot everyday but especially on her birthday.

Life moves on - and this week, it's been all about lots of food and celebrating together.  We had our surf and turf dinner last night - it was delicious and we have plenty of lobster left to make lobster mac 'n cheese in a couple days for B.'s last dinner at home for awhile.

Today, the dishwasher has been run 4 times (so far) and we've got a feast well in process.  Dinner should be soon.

My Aunt M. is on the cover of the November AARP magazine and there's a great article about where she lives - a community where older people help raise foster kids - it's a really great place and she's an amazing woman.  I'm so excited for her - and so blessed to really know her because as great as the article about her is, there's no way they can convey her true magicness in print.  You have to really know her to know how special and gifted she is and what a blessing it is in my life to say 'I really know her!  How lucky am I?'

Another evening of too much food - and pie!!  Can't wait for pumpkin pie!

Love you, Mom & Dad - and hope you are enjoying a heavenly Thanksgiving.  Thank you for giving me a great start - and Dad, I sure wish I knew you much longer than a little more than six years.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Early...So, So Early

I stumbled downstairs at 3:30ish this morning - I'd been awake since 2 and I finally just 'gave up' and decided to come downstairs.  I noticed the calendar in the kitchen showed November and I had a moment of 'what?  November?'.

Considering it's now the 17th day of November and a lot has happened since October, I shouldn't have been so stunned.  But I was.

The entire world is still reeling from the outcome of our Presidential election and even a week later, it's still hard to grasp.  Or accept.  Or fathom.

The Biden/Obama memes are hilarious and at least put a smile on many faces during a time of such...I can't even figure out the words to describe what this time is like.

We elected Donald Trump.  Yes.  Really.  As unbelievable as it is, it is true.

On a happier note, B. arrives home in a couple days for Thanksgiving week and it's going to be a wonderful week of eating too much and enjoying some family time.

I'm showering shortly 'cuz I truly wanted to be at work by 6 but didn't want my butler to get up that early's going to be closer to 7 'cuz he will fix my daily rations before I head out.  Yesterday was an awful day - just so many things that happened - I'm sure that's why I didn't sleep well - but sadly, this is the 4th night out of the last 7 that have sucked on the sleep front and I'm starting to feel panicked about sleep.  Not good.

It's also cold enough to turn on the heat and that's a lovely change.  Soon, the down comforters will be required and we will begin the long snuggle into Winter.  Or as winter as it gets here.

My cousin and I enjoyed an early morning chat today and during our Facebook messaging, a Disney gif popped up into the chat box.  She said 'did you send those' and I replied 'no.  You mean you didn't send it'? things that you are 'chatting' about pop into your chat box uninvited.  It sort of freaked me out - especially 'cuz I had a friend tell me last week that she received a friend request from me and we were already friends.  I did all the things you're supposed to do - changed password, logged out of 'all' devices...but it worries me.

Maybe the imposter me on Facebook is having better sleep than I am.