The Haps (Old Post Finally Posted)

NOTE:  This post was in draft format on 3/6/18  - I am publishing it today because the events of the weekend referred to below are just now coming to light.  Stay tuned. 


I text or email J. lately to ask 'what's the haps at the homestead?'.  I like to know what is happening 'cuz there are supposed to be things happening.

But first...some other happenings.  Last night, we were in the study binge watching the first season of The Good Fight and I kept hearing something.  Sounded like a helicopter - which isn't unusual.  We live quite close to the small airport in our city and there are often helicopters coming and going.  I'm pretty sure there are folks commuting to the Bay Area in a helicopter daily.  Anyway....I kept asking him to mute the TV to figure it out only he couldn't hear it.  So I finally just went out to the backyard and the minute I opened the door, I said 'Holy shit!  What is that?'.  The LOUDEST noise I've heard in our neighborhood, ever!  We have a paper company just to the west of our neighborhood and something major was going on there.  We think they were steam washing out their trucks and their equipment.  It went on until around 9.  Weird.

As always, the Facebook neighborhood watch page lit up - I don't follow that page anymore but I still look if something's going on - but I quickly stopped reading 'cuz it's always the quickest way to realize just how ridiculous people can be.

There was something else I've been meaning to document here but at the moment, I can't think of it.

We had a long weekend here - very long.  H. kept insisting he was on his way home - but he never showed up.  Didn't come home on Friday - though he tried to convince us he did briefly.  Definitely not home at all on Saturday.  When I reminded for the umpteenth frickin' time that we had been told repeatedly they had the funds they owed us, he kept saying 'we need to talk to you'.  It was a mess.  Story after story about where they were - 'driving like crazy, riding with R. '.  On Sunday, I reached him on his phone...I finally just said 'H., you got paid on Friday so where are the funds you owe us?  No reason you shouldn't have them - what did you spent the paycheck on if you don't have the money'.....and it sort of all came tumbling out.  He was laid off on Friday - 'lack of work'.  Typical 'reason' in warehouse jobs.  He said they laid off all the people they hired in the group he was in when he got hired.  He is devastated to lose the job - completely unhinged.  And then R. had a lot of technical difficulties and was essentially 'fired' from Lyft as well.  So on Saturday, the two of them ate at a taco truck - and got so sick, they had to get a room near Saratoga to spend a night throwing up and on the toilet.  All.night.long times two people.

They spent yesterday recuperating and today...well, we don't know what they did today.  There's a list of things they need to do - H. can file for unemployment and may be qualified.  And they both need to find work - ANY work.  They have bills to pay - and owe us as well.  And there's a car payment due - for the car we sold her that she hasn't paid a dime for yet.  We're on the hook for the storage unit - $253 a month charged to our credit card monthly - and they have no way to pay that, either.  Never mind the agreed upon 'expense sharing' amount that hasn't been paid, either.

So instead of having the cushion provided by their expense sharing monthly pitch-in and them paying the storage bill in full as well, we are now dealing with figuring out how to survive with two more people in the house, added expenses for things like storage units - and what will happen in a few weeks when her monthly bills are due and there's no money to pay them.  No, we're not paying them.  Though I'm sure they hope we will.

I don't understand why H. can't hold a job - but I have a lot of ideas.  It's so hard to watch him work hard - he says he got good feedback, never called in sick - and it ends with the company deciding that (apparently) none of the people they hired being worthy of a benefited job.  Just lay them off instead of incurring benefit expenses and making them 'permanent'.  Not that any job in this day and age is ever permanent.....but still.

H. struggles with sleep issues and huge anxiety issues - and has physical symptoms pretty frequently because of the anxiety.  Stomach issues are common and the more he stresses about having them, the more he has them.  I think he does work hard...but who knows how

He is exactly like me when I was his age - except for the difference of I did actually hold down a full time job, put myself through school, etc. part of it.

Tomorrow, H. is going to get an earful from me because they have to find work.  Any work.  He said 'for sure' on Sunday but now it's end of day Tuesday and the urgency is seriously lacking.

We're leaving for our vacation a week from Friday and are gone for two full weeks - they will have no funds of any kind from us during that time for reals - 'cuz even if I/we were inclined to loan funds, I won't do transfers online from a hotel room or cruise ship.

Just So Angry

There's so much anger simmering inside me these days - I'm SO MAD - and there's nowhere for it to go.  I can't act out.  I can't scream.  I can't cry, mainly because if I start, I fear I won't stop.  And while some of the anger is probably overwhelming sadness, much of it is JUST PLAIN SO ANGRY.  It's so hard to describe the feelings I'm having the past few days because it's almost like it's just enormously BAD that my mind can't handle it.

I want to scream for hours.  Yell.  Run 20 miles until I drop from exhaustion and then, and only then, might I get any kind of decent sleep.

There are a series of posts in the works that will lay out the timeline of events.  Our family is pretty much shattered at this point.  J. and I are at odds on many levels and I don't really see (or feel) that ending anytime soon.

Cutting someone out of my life isn't something that is easy to do - far from it.  But I have to distance myself from H. at this point because I have nothing to offer - no words, no feelings, zero support - nothing.  I can't stand the thought of him in front of me because I truly fear what I will say.

He told J. 'she's trying to break me'.  J., in his usual 'nothing majorly bad' way said 'I took that to mean you wanted to make him cry'.  Um, no.  He thinks I've trying to break his spirit.  And I'm not.  I really am not.  But I am the one person in his life who says the hard thing(s) to him  - I don't mince words, I get right to it and when my bullshit radar is going off constantly, you're better off just staying the hell away from me.  To H., me being direct about the serious issues that have been revealed in the last week or so is me trying to 'break him'.

And I'm sick and tired of J. trying to put him back together again.

H. says he's hit rock bottom, but I don't think so.  I'm not sure what rock bottom is for someone in his situation but I don't think he's there yet.

We may be.  J. and I truly might be.  I feel the need to distance myself from him - and I've never felt that way before.  I don't know what that means or what it will look like but...I feel it in my bones.

I'm hoping heading to Reno in a month for some time by myself will help.  But I truly fear it won't.

H. didn't just shatter himself.  He shattered all of us.  He broke us - all of us.

And I'm not sure we're ever going to be put back together again - we will never be the same again.  I may never see or speak to H. again and I say that with such pain in my heart and soul - but I'm not going to continue to enable him to spin his stories, weave lies into reality, steal from us, manipulate us.  I'm done -

His 25th birthday is Friday and I won't be reaching out to him in any way.  Hard?  Yes.  But it's how he approached Mother's Day so....we 'match' in our approach towards each other.  On his 25th birthday, he is homeless, penniless, parentless (at least 1/2 of his parents are stepping away).  He already got his gift when he scammed us out of $185 for (supposedly) a new set of headphones.  Which they never purchased.

Here comes the anger again.

Thanks to a Locksmith

There's a lot more to this story and I'm not sure when/if I'll write it - but today, we called a locksmith and had all the locks changed.  Sent a text to our (former) guests letting them know they could come by at a set time for 30 minutes to get what they need for a few days. 

They didn't show - who's surprised?  Anyone? 

I'm having a Blue Moon and heading to bed in a locked down house and feel calmer and happier than I've felt in months. 

While still dealing with a very heavy, sad heart.  It's not easy drawing a line.  Guess they call it tough love for a reason.

More soon.  I lost 1/2 day today with the drama that unfolded and I'm going to have to be super laser focused this weekend to catch up. 

Fun Surprise!

I've been in touch with all three of my siblings in the past 24 hours!  It's a miracle.  I don't remember that EVER happening - and I hope it continues.  I will hopefully catch up with one of them by phone tomorrow. Sure hope so!

The house guests left the house around 3AM - which we know because J. checked the security logs.  They returned not that long ago and were here briefly late afternoon.  We have no idea where they went and wonder if H. went to the 'open house' face to face interview he's been telling us about.  (Though first he said it was Monday, then Tuesday, then today - and then he disappears for hours and we seriously doubt that he went). 

J. came up with some ideas about memorializing our transition plan.  The trickiest part is actually seeing them and talking about it face to face.  I'm not willing to drag this out forever waiting for actual conversation with them - I'm leaning more towards giving them a letter.  Tape one to their door, slide a copy under their drawer, tape one to the car steering wheel and put one under the windshield wiper.  Four copies and we stand a chance of them seeing it. 

No idea where they went and my mind goes to weird places.  Time enough to drive to Reno and get married?  Not sure they would do that but they might.  H. has implied to J. that there are serious 'issues' surfacing between them - we're sure she's working hard at convincing him to screw us out of the $ he owes us and should be able to pay us back shortly - and it appears his conscience is reminding him just how wrong that would be.  We'll see. 

We both agree that in the event we aren't paid back, the transition timeline moves up significantly - as in 24 hours and you're out.

We'll see.  Like all things with these two, it's been often times just a crap shoot about what they will/won't do and what they understand about what is happening.  I mean, they are leaving.  They know we are serious.  But we haven't provided a firm date (though we have a date planned and we will share that in the letter, too). 

It's just a mess....but we're starting to feel a little better about it.  After months of feeling used and abused, we're taking back control.  They aren't all that happy about any of it but they seem to be 'getting' that we are not backing down and they are leaving.  I hope we don't have to call the police to escort them from the house but we will if we have to. 

And then we look forward to claiming our happy home back. 

Bird Watching

The backyard is full of birds helping themselves to the seed we put out.  After a few weeks of a steady supply of peanuts and various seeds, the Blue Jays are starting to 'fill out' a bit.  They looked bedraggled and thin when they started but now, they're looking full and happy.  They've been joined by lots of smaller birds and we're enjoying the variety. 

We purchased a new vertical planter from Costco and I'd said I would get rid of the potting bench to make room for it - but I'm not letting the potting bench go.  It's got a seed 'tray' on it and I love watching the birds from my desk. 

We're afraid to try the vertical planter 'cuz it's not what we were expecting.  I'll try to post a picture soon to show you what it looks like and we will eventually try it because I was hoping to grow some veggies in it - and maybe herbs!

It was a good and busy day at work although it ended with a budget model I was uploading into the system having a complete failure - and (unusually), our COE took forever to get back to me.  I just saw an email that it's 'fixed' though I'll have to do the upload again tomorrow - but that's not a big deal.

My sister and her hubby are traveling and are spending the night in Texas tonight - got caught in a super bad storm.  They are traveling near where our brother lives so she's going to spend some time with him at his new house!  Can't wait to hear about it!

I'm already feeling ready for sleep and it's not even 7PM yet. 

Continued Unraveling

Yesterday was horribly hard.  I was barely functioning through the morning - my head still reeling from the theft realization and feeling sad and overwhelmed about everything.

Apparently, H. was too, because he went for an 'emergency' counseling session in Manteca.  Texted J. to tell him.  I feel for H. because I'm sure he's getting a huge amount of pressure.  To believe that we are the worst parents in the world for asking them to leave.  Trying to convince him to keep the funds he owes us since we are making them 'homeless'.  I get all those things - but the reasons we are asking them to leave seem to get lost in the mix.  It's the continued pattern we've experienced - a lack of any kind of personal accountability and taking responsibility for your actions.  (Or in this case mostly taking responsibility for your complete and total FAILURE TO ACT).  As in act with care and consideration for the two people who have been sheltering you for months, gratis.

H. hasn't spoken to me in days - including not a word on Mother's Day.  He did send me a text (which was a reply to my text to him) but then didn't reply to my reply. 

I don't know about you, but no matter how upset I might have ever been with my mom, I would never ignore Mother's Day. 

This was not the best Mom's day weekend I've had and it sure carried over into Monday. 

I feel better this morning.  More confident about the decision even though the implementation is still a fricking mess and there's no end in sight to the drama enveloping us.  But oh well.  I am going to hit the ground running on the work front today so I can keep getting things done and move forward on my work goals which has a positive affect on me, in general.

We have let H. know that we love him unconditionally and that is forever and non-contingent on anything happening around here.  However, we are not letting his upset and sadness convince us to keep trying, which is what he wants.  J. mentioned to him 'and we're going to need R. to go with me to storage so we can put the unit in her name' and H. said 'so when she can't pay the bill, we'll be homeless and lose all our stuff'?  Hard reality - but when the solution is 'so your parents should keep paying $3K plus a year to store all her/your stuff?  Really'?  No.  That ship has sailed.

R. hasn't shown up face to face in days - she may be sleeping here a few hours a night but mostly, she appears to be gone.  We don't actually know if H. is home or gone at the moment but J. will figure that out shortly.

It's still a drama filled day but I can handle it.

Unraveling

J. and I are at that age where things happen and we struggle to keep memories straight.  For the past couple days, we've been noticing that money isn't where it should be.  I use an envelope system and money has gone missing over the past few days.  But I never want to accuse - because it's possible, I counted wrong.  Or we used one envelope for something else and didn't write down the changes on the envelope?

But this morning, I'm pretty sure - we're being stolen from.  I shouldn't be surprised, really - but the confirmation of it - having just counted an envelope before I went upstairs last night, noted the amount and waking up this morning to find $60 missing - is so shocking, I feel like I've been stomach punched repeatedly.

Our house guests are already gone - I'm thinking she's moving the car 'cuz she knows we're pretty darn close to getting one of those gadgets that locks the steering wheel so she can't take the car anymore.

Sadly, I think we're going to have to up the timeline considerably and just get the locks changed and call it done - sooner rather than later - we aren't going to give them too long anyway so what difference does a couple weeks make in the grand scheme of things.

And this is the start of another long stretch of multiple work days in a row.  I finished my 20th day straight on Saturday, enjoyed yesterday off and now am looking at (at least) 26 days in a row.  Counting those days out and writing that total down is hard.  But it is what it is.

And yes, we are going to lock up all the envelopes in the safe from now on along with everything else we need to lock up.  Don't trust our guests as far as I can throw them - and we're so done.

My Wee Brain is So Tired

This is my 18th straight work day and while I'd love to say 'but I'm almost done!', I'm so far from that, it's ridiculous.  A lot can happen in the next three weeks - and that's a fact 'cuz it will all be done - but geez, it's so dang hard.  It's so many moving parts and so much to do and the complexity of all of it at the same time is just hard to deal with at times. 

There's also a fair amount of drama on the home front these days and I feel so fragmented, broken and exhausted from that as well.  My mind is whipping back and forth constantly.  Try.  No, don't try.  They don't try.  Why should you?  Leave.  They have to leave.  Where will they go?  I don't give a shit.  I really don't (most of the time).  The latest things are just mind blowing and H.'s reaction of sort of 'righteous indignation' combined with defensiveness takes me back to the days of when he was using drugs so much, he was barely functioning.  So is she his drug?  Sometimes, that what it seems like.  He's starting to be very much like her in the way he responds to things that haven't gone well and have left us stammering to try to make sense of it all. 

They have to go - they do.  But making that happen is just a gosh-awful mess.  It would be so easy to say 'car keys, please.  Now go upstairs, pack what you need for a few days and go stay somewhere else.  You can arrange to come back and get your stuff at a pre-arranged convenient time.  If you fail to show up for that pre-arranged time, we will consider everything left here abandoned property and dispose of it as we see fit.  And call a cab'.  Or Uber (ironic because R. started driving for them yesterday). 

J. seems appalled that I'm considering the above scenario and I feel appalled that he doesn't.  His intrinsic kindness (and a strong desire to avoid any and all confrontation) leads him to keep trying to rationalize the incredibly awful things happening here daily - while I simmer and fume and my fuse gets shorter and shorter minute by minute. 

I can no longer feel any sense of welcome or 'trying' with H. & R..  There is no 'try' - there is 'do or not do'.  (Thanks, Yoda).  And they do not.  Over and over and over.  And I've been a 'do' but I'm waning.  Very quickly. 

I drove to Lodi for a meeting today - long morning and got in to the office around noon.  I noticed my boss' car in the parking lot and he was supposed to be at a conference out of town W-Th-F this week.  A few minutes after I was back, he came in to my office, closed the door and said 'I have something I need to talk to you about'.  I could tell he was very serious.  I felt nervous for a minute and then thought 'maybe he's telling me he's leaving our district' - which would be very shocking because he's always said he plans to retire from it.  He said 'I've been going to a lot of appointments with J. (his wife) and yesterday, we were told that she has cancer'.  They are still doing a lot of tests to figure out the 'stage' and she has some other lesions that they are going to biopsy tomorrow - but they are sure it's cancer.  The oncologist told her 'your life expectancy is not going to be as long as you'd hoped' (words to that effect - he is very private and shared what he could but didn't want to get into too much specific detail).  They are starting chemotherapy next week (surgery does not appear to be an option).  I feel so awful for him - but their attitude is 100% 'we are going to do what we need to do and keep living our life - and pray'.  I told him we would pray, too.

He asked a lot of questions about our experience with H. - how was our insurance?  (Awesome.  And he has the 100% plan while we only had the 80% plan so he'll be even better).  How did H. do for chemo? 

It's pretty hard to hear a family member has cancer and their life is very much at risk.  But I shared how H. is a walking miracle (twice, actually) and we believe very strongly in miracles.  And J. (boss' wife) needs one so that's what we're praying for.

I'm hoping for a full, productive day tomorrow and then the same on Saturday - and then I hope to be giving myself a little down time on Sunday - Jackson!  And maybe Thunder Valley. 

Prayers for my boss and his family -

Airfare Shenanigans

We've been (somewhat) patiently waiting for the airlines to be booking for late March, 2019, so we can book our flights for the Panama Canal cruise. 

For reasons that (now) escape me, we were thinking we would drive to Los Angeles, fly from LA to Miami and then we'd drive home from LA, since our ship embarks out of Miami and disembarks in Los Angeles.  I have no idea how we decided that - I'm sure I had something to do with it - but as the time approached to book flights, we did a big switch.  Flying out of SFO to Miami and then we'll fly back from LAX to SFO.

Airfares vary widely as I'm sure you know - and we shop multiple airlines with varying schedules.  We were ready to go 'Main Cabin' on American for around $220 each (one way)...but this morning, that same flight on our Friday departure was $1,100 EACH.  Holy crap.  We could fly on American on a Thursday for that lower fare, but then we're looking at an extra night's hotel stay ($300 ish), a day of food and 'entertainment' (cab fares to where we want to explore, pretty much) ($150ish at least) and me having to use Thursday as a travel day instead of a planning/packing day.  (Or use another vacation day for Wednesday off but....I hoard vacation so, no.) 

That had us back with Delta where main cabin was $430 each; Comfort Class (more leg room) was $530 each and First Class was $630 each.   Main Cabin & Comfort Class both charge for bags while First Class doesn't.  So just like that!  We're booked in First Class on Delta.  Delta has no non-stops to Miami - all go through Atlanta - but that's OK.  We have an affinity for Atlanta from the time we spent there for B.'s Basic Training graduation years ago - and it's an easy airport to get around in.  We'll board early, skip the general boarding lines and go to the First Class check in area instead and while it is more expensive, it's an increase that feels worth it on many levels.  And it's Friday travel at a decent price which saves us an extra night, etc. . 

We looked at United just to be sure we did - higher fares and....it's United.  We don't fly United if we can avoid it.

We haven't booked our return from LAX to SFO - have to wait two more weeks for those dates to open - but that's an easy trip to book and a very quick flight.  We'll go the cheapest route we can.

I was up at 4AM this morning and downstairs by 4:30 (worked in my room a bit before heading downstairs) and here I am rushing to be out the door for work.  It's been a super busy week of meetings, Board meeting prep and then a trip to Sacramento tomorrow (overnight) for a training Thursday evening and all day Friday.  Then more work this weekend. 

I have decided to take Mother's Day off - made possible by the monthly Finance system 'down' day and J. has agreed that fun $ will be my gift so I'll head up to quiet, calm Jackson for some fun that day.  And then likely work into the evening via laptop, hopefully.

Off to a busy, fun-filled day with my work family.