My Wee Brain is So Tired

This is my 18th straight work day and while I'd love to say 'but I'm almost done!', I'm so far from that, it's ridiculous.  A lot can happen in the next three weeks - and that's a fact 'cuz it will all be done - but geez, it's so dang hard.  It's so many moving parts and so much to do and the complexity of all of it at the same time is just hard to deal with at times. 

There's also a fair amount of drama on the home front these days and I feel so fragmented, broken and exhausted from that as well.  My mind is whipping back and forth constantly.  Try.  No, don't try.  They don't try.  Why should you?  Leave.  They have to leave.  Where will they go?  I don't give a shit.  I really don't (most of the time).  The latest things are just mind blowing and H.'s reaction of sort of 'righteous indignation' combined with defensiveness takes me back to the days of when he was using drugs so much, he was barely functioning.  So is she his drug?  Sometimes, that what it seems like.  He's starting to be very much like her in the way he responds to things that haven't gone well and have left us stammering to try to make sense of it all. 

They have to go - they do.  But making that happen is just a gosh-awful mess.  It would be so easy to say 'car keys, please.  Now go upstairs, pack what you need for a few days and go stay somewhere else.  You can arrange to come back and get your stuff at a pre-arranged convenient time.  If you fail to show up for that pre-arranged time, we will consider everything left here abandoned property and dispose of it as we see fit.  And call a cab'.  Or Uber (ironic because R. started driving for them yesterday). 

J. seems appalled that I'm considering the above scenario and I feel appalled that he doesn't.  His intrinsic kindness (and a strong desire to avoid any and all confrontation) leads him to keep trying to rationalize the incredibly awful things happening here daily - while I simmer and fume and my fuse gets shorter and shorter minute by minute. 

I can no longer feel any sense of welcome or 'trying' with H. & R..  There is no 'try' - there is 'do or not do'.  (Thanks, Yoda).  And they do not.  Over and over and over.  And I've been a 'do' but I'm waning.  Very quickly. 

I drove to Lodi for a meeting today - long morning and got in to the office around noon.  I noticed my boss' car in the parking lot and he was supposed to be at a conference out of town W-Th-F this week.  A few minutes after I was back, he came in to my office, closed the door and said 'I have something I need to talk to you about'.  I could tell he was very serious.  I felt nervous for a minute and then thought 'maybe he's telling me he's leaving our district' - which would be very shocking because he's always said he plans to retire from it.  He said 'I've been going to a lot of appointments with J. (his wife) and yesterday, we were told that she has cancer'.  They are still doing a lot of tests to figure out the 'stage' and she has some other lesions that they are going to biopsy tomorrow - but they are sure it's cancer.  The oncologist told her 'your life expectancy is not going to be as long as you'd hoped' (words to that effect - he is very private and shared what he could but didn't want to get into too much specific detail).  They are starting chemotherapy next week (surgery does not appear to be an option).  I feel so awful for him - but their attitude is 100% 'we are going to do what we need to do and keep living our life - and pray'.  I told him we would pray, too.

He asked a lot of questions about our experience with H. - how was our insurance?  (Awesome.  And he has the 100% plan while we only had the 80% plan so he'll be even better).  How did H. do for chemo? 

It's pretty hard to hear a family member has cancer and their life is very much at risk.  But I shared how H. is a walking miracle (twice, actually) and we believe very strongly in miracles.  And J. (boss' wife) needs one so that's what we're praying for.

I'm hoping for a full, productive day tomorrow and then the same on Saturday - and then I hope to be giving myself a little down time on Sunday - Jackson!  And maybe Thunder Valley. 

Prayers for my boss and his family -