My aunt's visit was fantastic! Fun, soulful, happy. I enjoy her company so much - always have - and now that I'm an adult, we just continue to pick up where we left off. It was a great weekend. We went to the
Megan Slankard concert at Cedar Mountain Winery in Livermore on Saturday evening - Megan has another fan. And unlike last year, the weather was perfect - coolish, not hot. We had a Trader Joe's feast and enjoyed a wonderful evening.
And we managed to get motivated enough to head to Santa Cruz on Sunday for the day. Took C. and K. with us so we had FOUR teenage boys to enjoy. They spent the day ogling the 'eye candy' and counting the numbers of 'hot' girls. I learned a lot - only 'hot' girls get a number, so they saw a lot more girls than they 'rewarded' with a numeric acknowledgement. It was fun and amusing to watch the four of them egg each other on - trying to get B. to go talk to a girl in a yellow polka dot bikini near us. Trying out lines like 'you look hungry. Want some Nillas?' (Nilla Vanilla Wafers). It was a fun time.
The weather was gorgeous - a bit foggy when we first got there but it burned off quickly. If you stayed under the umbrella, it was a bit too cool - and in the full sun, it was a bit too warm. And I have a sunburn, in spite of trying so hard to avoid it. My forehead felt like dried leather on a spit - and my left knee is fried. Guess it was in the sun more than the other.
We didn't ride any rides - just walked the Boardwalk. HAD to get some taffy from Marini's but resisted the other temptations - like Fried Twinkies. Headed home after about 4 hours on the beach - enjoyed a picnic lunch we'd brought from home - leftovers from the concert the night before. We hit a Starbucks on the way home and were home by 6. Tired, sandy, and glad to be home. Then, K. invited H. to spend the night, so we only had one boy home for the evening.
Spent Monday hanging out at home. Went to Barnes and Noble where she treated us to a couple cool books - "Autobiography of a Yogi" and "The Hidden Messages in Water". Can't wait to read them. Then we had dinner at Olive Garden - yummy!
This morning, she and J. left for the BART station at 5:30. J. got her on the AirBart bus from the Coliseum station and he managed to be at his desk before 8. As they pulled out of the driveway, I got a huge lump in my throat - missing her already. Massachusetts is just too dang far away from California. I'm hoping she'll come out again next summer (if not sooner) and she wants us to come there. We talked and talked and both are now fascinated with 'little houses', which is another post for another evening.
I brought work home this evening to try to wind my way through. The year-end activities are complex and mysterious and while I am moving forward, the days are full of many 'steps back' as well. Still, it's going well and I'm feeling 'happy', which isn't something I thought I'd ever feel just a few months ago. The work is good and challenging and rewarding and the people are getting more and more fun everyday. So that's good.
J. and B. are heading to church for rehearsal - they both play this weekend. And H. is manning the projector at the 11AM service so I'll be in the pew alone. Glad to be able to sleep in, though! for an extra hour or so. LOVE going to the 11 o'clock service though it means 1/2 the day is over when the service ends.
The kids are frantically working on their summer reading and assignments. Of course, they've put it all off until the last two weeks. No matter how much we remind, beg, plead, scold, cajole - they still wait until it's a 'HAVE TO'. I guess they're kind of like me in that regard - when the you-know-what hits the fan, I can process an incredible amount of work in a very short time frame. I just have to be properly motivated - usually by the 'oh my gosh, I honestly cannot put this off another minute or else'. They come by their procrastination honestly. It's genetics, I believe.
AND, we brought Dani and Chloe home from their weekend at the 'dog spa'. Well, it wasn't really a spa but we try to convince them it was. There was no happier sight for me than watching them both running towards me full tilt down the hallway at the kennel - smiling the entire way. Dani at the sound of my voice and Chloe upon seeing me. They were so happy to be home - and headed immediately outside (like lightening, honestly) to piddle. Then settled in the chair (Dani) and kennel (Chloe) for a bit of rest. After drinking lots of water. I don't think they sleep very well away from home so they'll spend a couple days catching up. We missed them and next time my aunt comes, we're going to leave the dogs at home. It's just not 'home' without them.
Miss you already, Aunt M. So glad you were able to come and visit. The boys and J. loved getting to know you and I just loved seeing you. Thanks for the books! and for spending time with us. Please, please DO come back soon!
Love,
Majah
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Treasure
The boys have been spending 15 minutes a couple times a week this summer working in their rooms. They make a 'give away' pile, a 'put away' pile and a 'throw away' pile - and then move those items where they go - trash, Goodwill bin or put away. Little by little, their rooms are shaping up. Floors are visible. Desks and bookshelves are looking slightly tidier. We have culled a lot of stuff out of those rooms the past few weeks. When I pass by their rooms on my way to that side of the house, I sort of do a double take walking by 'cuz they are becoming the rooms of 'young men', not kids. The full size beds with their 'grown up' bed sets - beige and blacks with stripes. Pretty 'manly'. Still can't get used to it. The 15 minute 'limit' is critical - it's enough time to make some progress but not too much time that they end up discouraged and give up.
J. and I have been also doing this in various rooms in the house. Have 'found' things that are memory filled - treasures that I didn't realize I was missing. This morning, I found a card J. made me for Mother's Day awhile back - it said 'to my woman, my woman, my wife' on the cover. And then it said 'oh sure, if Dan Fogelberg had said it, you'd be in tears'. Still makes me laugh - it's just so 'J'.
I also found a lot of pics of the kids in their younger years....when we first moved here. Found a picture on the front page of the Tracy Press from November, 2002 - we'd lived here 10 months and B. was already considered an 'advance' chess player and was shown at school helping other kids learn how to play chess. Moved it into the 'memory boxes' in my closet.
Of course, we've also found a fair amount of 'miscellaneous stuff' and we should (in theory) have a huge garage sale and try to recover some of our costs. What will most likely happen is it will all sit in the garage for a few months until one day, we get incredibly fed up and haul it all to various charities. Garage sales are good in theory but execution is a tad more challenging for us. But we're going to try. Hopefully.
J. and I have been also doing this in various rooms in the house. Have 'found' things that are memory filled - treasures that I didn't realize I was missing. This morning, I found a card J. made me for Mother's Day awhile back - it said 'to my woman, my woman, my wife' on the cover. And then it said 'oh sure, if Dan Fogelberg had said it, you'd be in tears'. Still makes me laugh - it's just so 'J'.
I also found a lot of pics of the kids in their younger years....when we first moved here. Found a picture on the front page of the Tracy Press from November, 2002 - we'd lived here 10 months and B. was already considered an 'advance' chess player and was shown at school helping other kids learn how to play chess. Moved it into the 'memory boxes' in my closet.
Of course, we've also found a fair amount of 'miscellaneous stuff' and we should (in theory) have a huge garage sale and try to recover some of our costs. What will most likely happen is it will all sit in the garage for a few months until one day, we get incredibly fed up and haul it all to various charities. Garage sales are good in theory but execution is a tad more challenging for us. But we're going to try. Hopefully.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Clear
The house looks fantastic. And the windows...oh, the windows. Sparkling clear. Windowsills, tracks, glass and blinds clean. It's amazing how much clean windows 'brightens' the house. I've never, ever in any house I've ever lived in had a professional window washing done and boy, am I SOLD. It will be an annual or bi-annual event. It was ~$8/window and worth every penny. Even the windows in the living room which are 14 feet up are sparkling. The house is shiny and picked up and terrific - and the best part is, it will be this way every two weeks! At the bargain price of $85 - for 3200 sq. feet, it's a steal! YEAH!
We had the lawn aerated this past weekend - which we do almost every year. We haven't had it done for the past couple years 'cuz the fertilizer they use has grass seed in it and we now have a horrifically bad problem with grass growing in all the flower beds...but the lawn needed the aeration, so we had them come on Saturday. And now, [and I 'remember' this after we have it done EVERY TIME, when it's already done and too late], we now have brown dirt 'plugs' all over the lawn. They will eventually just dry out and disintegrate back into the soil, but for NOW, they look like thousands of dog poops all over the lawn. My aunt will think we haven't scooped the yard EVER. And we do scoop everyday. So that's lovely. Picking them up is impossible. There are hundreds and the dirt needs to eventually make it's way back to our lawn...it's needed there. It would take hours to pick up all the 'plugs'. So I just make sure there is NO dog poo anywhere and hope the plugs dissipate as much as possible before her visit.
And our lawn sprinklers have a giant leak and we have to water by hand. I've been trying to 'soak' the lawn so the water goes deep, but if I leave the hose just running, it all runs down the very slight 'slope' into the drains.
In Arizona, where I grew up, my aunt's house (not the aunt that's visiting - another aunt) had irrigation. The lawn was built like a 'basin'. Every week or so, she would go out and 'open' the valve and her lawn would 'flood' with about 6 inches of water. The water would 'sit' on the lawn and soak into the ground. Her lawn was the plushest, most beautifully thick lawn I've ever seen - and I'm sure the irrigation had a lot to do with that. The water really, REALLY soaked in and got down to the roots. That doesn't happen here, really - most of the water stays on the surface. We'd have to water for a long, LONG time to get that kind of saturation. When I visited my sister a few weekends ago, there were still lawns being irrigated vs. using sprinklers. I think that's the way to go and wonder why California hasn't embraced irrigation. The lawns in AZ need watering less frequently and stay so green, even in the summer. There aren't very many 'lawns' in AZ now - most folks use rock and 'desert landscaping' that doesn't need much water. But the few really green, plush lawns you see are a result of irrigation, most likely.
It was still 92 degrees here at 6PM. The sky is in a strange 'cloudy' state but it is broiling hot outside. Odd. We bought some plants at Home Depot yesterday and I saturated them this morning. I arrived home to find them wilting and suffering in the heat. Watered them again and tomorrow, will have to put them in a tray of water in more shade to hopefully help them survive the heat. It's going to be a very hot week.
OH, my Harry Potter book(s) finally arrived on Saturday. 10AM came and went. 11AM came and went. I was in whiny mode - bemoaning that I could have gone to Costco 3 times already and I'd HAVE the books by then - but they finally arrived. Just like on TV in a box that says 'Attention Muggles: do not open until July 21st'. It was worth the wait for the box alone - and I'm keeping it for sure.
As planned, I headed straight for the last chapter. Read it. Smiled. Told Brooks his copy was here ['cuz I've always ordered two and we give one to the library when we're done] and he said, basically, he wasn't going to read it - he'd wait for the movie. I said 'oh, that's it - your childhood IS really over - you won't even read Harry Potter with me anymore'. THAT shock was the hardest 'proof' so far that he is growing up. My baby is growing up. Like Harry is/did in the books. But it's just so sad to have that 'part' of him gone - the little boy who dressed up like HP for Halloween. Who begged me to take him to Barnes and Noble for the 'midnight' sales every time there was a new book out. He's moved on, now, and will just wait for the story to unfold on the big screen.
[spoiler ahead. Read no further if you don't want to know the ending....seriously....you've been warned]
He did come back a bit later and ask 'Mom, does Harry die?' I said 'are you sure you want to know?' 'Yes', he replied. I said 'are you ABSOLUTELY sure you want to know'. 'Yes, Mom, I do'. I said 'no, he does not'. And then he was smiling, too.
And, then I read the ending again AND this time, the 'epilogue' - 19 years in the future - and all was right with the world. I firmly believe there will be more HP books. I just know it. And I can't wait. Even if I'm 90 years old when they start coming out, I'll be at the midnight parties myself, hopefully with my grand kids in tow and be among the first to get the new books. I love them that much.
And honestly, it ended the only way it could possibly end. The only way I could ever imagine J. K. Rowling carrying it around in her head all these years. Formulating the story any other way from beginning to end as she had would have made no sense had it ended other than as it did. It just made 'sense'. Only with lots of twists, and curves that do require multiple readings to be sure you're getting it. It is a fantastic ending to a great story. And I'm looking forward to reading it from cover to cover, as soon as I finish re-reading books 5 and 6.
Love you, Harry. Love you, too, B. even though you've apparently outgrown Harry Potter without my knowledge or consent. (Just kidding, sweetie - it'll just make me look forward to the movies even more!).
We had the lawn aerated this past weekend - which we do almost every year. We haven't had it done for the past couple years 'cuz the fertilizer they use has grass seed in it and we now have a horrifically bad problem with grass growing in all the flower beds...but the lawn needed the aeration, so we had them come on Saturday. And now, [and I 'remember' this after we have it done EVERY TIME, when it's already done and too late], we now have brown dirt 'plugs' all over the lawn. They will eventually just dry out and disintegrate back into the soil, but for NOW, they look like thousands of dog poops all over the lawn. My aunt will think we haven't scooped the yard EVER. And we do scoop everyday. So that's lovely. Picking them up is impossible. There are hundreds and the dirt needs to eventually make it's way back to our lawn...it's needed there. It would take hours to pick up all the 'plugs'. So I just make sure there is NO dog poo anywhere and hope the plugs dissipate as much as possible before her visit.
And our lawn sprinklers have a giant leak and we have to water by hand. I've been trying to 'soak' the lawn so the water goes deep, but if I leave the hose just running, it all runs down the very slight 'slope' into the drains.
In Arizona, where I grew up, my aunt's house (not the aunt that's visiting - another aunt) had irrigation. The lawn was built like a 'basin'. Every week or so, she would go out and 'open' the valve and her lawn would 'flood' with about 6 inches of water. The water would 'sit' on the lawn and soak into the ground. Her lawn was the plushest, most beautifully thick lawn I've ever seen - and I'm sure the irrigation had a lot to do with that. The water really, REALLY soaked in and got down to the roots. That doesn't happen here, really - most of the water stays on the surface. We'd have to water for a long, LONG time to get that kind of saturation. When I visited my sister a few weekends ago, there were still lawns being irrigated vs. using sprinklers. I think that's the way to go and wonder why California hasn't embraced irrigation. The lawns in AZ need watering less frequently and stay so green, even in the summer. There aren't very many 'lawns' in AZ now - most folks use rock and 'desert landscaping' that doesn't need much water. But the few really green, plush lawns you see are a result of irrigation, most likely.
It was still 92 degrees here at 6PM. The sky is in a strange 'cloudy' state but it is broiling hot outside. Odd. We bought some plants at Home Depot yesterday and I saturated them this morning. I arrived home to find them wilting and suffering in the heat. Watered them again and tomorrow, will have to put them in a tray of water in more shade to hopefully help them survive the heat. It's going to be a very hot week.
OH, my Harry Potter book(s) finally arrived on Saturday. 10AM came and went. 11AM came and went. I was in whiny mode - bemoaning that I could have gone to Costco 3 times already and I'd HAVE the books by then - but they finally arrived. Just like on TV in a box that says 'Attention Muggles: do not open until July 21st'. It was worth the wait for the box alone - and I'm keeping it for sure.
As planned, I headed straight for the last chapter. Read it. Smiled. Told Brooks his copy was here ['cuz I've always ordered two and we give one to the library when we're done] and he said, basically, he wasn't going to read it - he'd wait for the movie. I said 'oh, that's it - your childhood IS really over - you won't even read Harry Potter with me anymore'. THAT shock was the hardest 'proof' so far that he is growing up. My baby is growing up. Like Harry is/did in the books. But it's just so sad to have that 'part' of him gone - the little boy who dressed up like HP for Halloween. Who begged me to take him to Barnes and Noble for the 'midnight' sales every time there was a new book out. He's moved on, now, and will just wait for the story to unfold on the big screen.
[spoiler ahead. Read no further if you don't want to know the ending....seriously....you've been warned]
He did come back a bit later and ask 'Mom, does Harry die?' I said 'are you sure you want to know?' 'Yes', he replied. I said 'are you ABSOLUTELY sure you want to know'. 'Yes, Mom, I do'. I said 'no, he does not'. And then he was smiling, too.
And, then I read the ending again AND this time, the 'epilogue' - 19 years in the future - and all was right with the world. I firmly believe there will be more HP books. I just know it. And I can't wait. Even if I'm 90 years old when they start coming out, I'll be at the midnight parties myself, hopefully with my grand kids in tow and be among the first to get the new books. I love them that much.
And honestly, it ended the only way it could possibly end. The only way I could ever imagine J. K. Rowling carrying it around in her head all these years. Formulating the story any other way from beginning to end as she had would have made no sense had it ended other than as it did. It just made 'sense'. Only with lots of twists, and curves that do require multiple readings to be sure you're getting it. It is a fantastic ending to a great story. And I'm looking forward to reading it from cover to cover, as soon as I finish re-reading books 5 and 6.
Love you, Harry. Love you, too, B. even though you've apparently outgrown Harry Potter without my knowledge or consent. (Just kidding, sweetie - it'll just make me look forward to the movies even more!).
Transport
B. has been giving H. rides various places. We were concerned about this, since technically, according to the code, B. shouldn't be transporting anyone. But we've checked it out and according to our sources, as long as we have a letter from us in the glove compartment of the car authorizing B. to drive with H. in the car, it should be fine. Until it isn't. And we've warned B. about that - if he is 'caught', he may get a warning (best case), a ticket (possible) or his license suspended (worst case). All of which would be 'bad'. And we will feel horrible for letting him do it - but he's transporting our family and no one else, so we're going to give it a try and hope the folks around town we've checked with are right.
Today, B. has 'chauffeured' H. to and from friends houses. Turns out B. has been making money because H. is paying him. I told B. 'no, you're not charging him - we're paying all the expenses for the car including fuel and insurance so you are absolutely NOT to charge him for picking him up and/or driving him places'. B. said 'he offered to pay me but OK, I won't accept money'. And considering H. is absolutely, positively broke (having lost his phone and iPod at Great America, he is repaying the $86 in charges for a new phone (deductible) and the 'restoration' fee charged to reactivate a new card in the new phone), he has NO money so I don't know where he's coming up with transportation $$. Note to self: ask him where he's getting the money to pay his brother.
H. just called and talked to J. and J. starts cracking up. When he hung up the phone, he said H. asked 'would you please ask Chives to come and pick me up'? We are both laughing so hard - we think he meant Jeeves. Too funny. He's a hoot. J. had to go get him 'cuz 'Chives' is at a friends house. I think he just got a new nickname - and I don't think he's going to like it too much....but he'll get used to it.
Today, B. has 'chauffeured' H. to and from friends houses. Turns out B. has been making money because H. is paying him. I told B. 'no, you're not charging him - we're paying all the expenses for the car including fuel and insurance so you are absolutely NOT to charge him for picking him up and/or driving him places'. B. said 'he offered to pay me but OK, I won't accept money'. And considering H. is absolutely, positively broke (having lost his phone and iPod at Great America, he is repaying the $86 in charges for a new phone (deductible) and the 'restoration' fee charged to reactivate a new card in the new phone), he has NO money so I don't know where he's coming up with transportation $$. Note to self: ask him where he's getting the money to pay his brother.
H. just called and talked to J. and J. starts cracking up. When he hung up the phone, he said H. asked 'would you please ask Chives to come and pick me up'? We are both laughing so hard - we think he meant Jeeves. Too funny. He's a hoot. J. had to go get him 'cuz 'Chives' is at a friends house. I think he just got a new nickname - and I don't think he's going to like it too much....but he'll get used to it.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Mom
I title this post Mom - but it really isn't about my mom, per se. But there's a story about her that says it 'all', honestly, about her impact on my life.
My mom had a stroke in 1988. I probably wouldn't remember that time frame - almost 20 years ago - except I had met J. shortly after she had the stroke and so I have the date down.
From days after the stroke until the day she died, my mom was sure her boss had ignored her phone call - as she was at her desk realizing something wasn't right, she called her boss. Who didn't answer. My mom insisted her boss had intentionally not answered - thus delaying my mom receiving help and possibly impacting the effects she had from her event. There was nothing any of us could say to persuade her differently. No amount of 'Mom, there's no way she could have known you were having a stoke and chosen to ignore you' or 'Mom, she wouldn't purposely
disregard your call if she had realized you were having a health issue. There's no way.'- but my mom never believed it and died thinking her boss had maliciously ignored her in her moment of need.
This story is my mom. This is how she lived her life - always thinking the worst of people and situations. Analyzing everything. Every little thing. Questioning every action, word, assumed or supposed motive. And I was exactly like her. Spent zillions of hours over-analyzing, working out every possible scenario to any imagined or presumed circumstance. Over reacted to the silliest things. It was a hellish way to live, really, and it impacted relationships so much. Impacted my life so much.
I work really hard at not making presumptions or assertions or jumping to any conclusions in my communications with people. I assume the best of people - assume that they intend only a sharing of information. I don't 'read into' their motives, or try to assert 'ulterior motives' onto them. I take them at face value. I stay at the 'bottom' of the ladder - I don't jump to the top of the ladder where all my life's history and experiences and trials have clouded how I interact with people. I just stay firmly at the bottom of the ladder and let the communication happen.
I call this the 'ladder of intention'. I learned about it in a class I took back in my corporate life and having this tool has really enhanced my life - my marriage, my job, my friendships and my family. I assume the best of folks and am rarely given any reason to have needed to jump to the top of the ladder. I don't presume to know their intentions or motives and I refuse to 'move up the ladder' unless it's absolutely necessary. Moving up means I'm letting MY experiences and beliefs and psyche to 'cloud' the moment with all my 'stuff' and shade the persons communication with MY crap. Which isn't healthy since you honestly have no way of knowing what a person is intending - you're not them.
I have tried diligently to convey this philosophy to those around me. If I hear someone at work make a comment about someone else that is clearly related to their perceptions of another person, I will kindly suggest 'oh, I don't think that's what they meant at all' and move on. Sometimes, comments that I know are intended to elicit a response are simply ignored and dis-acknowledged by refocusing back on the topic at hand - the issue we need to resolve - and ignore the comments made about persons, places or things that are the person's perception of reality - not necessarily the actual reality.
I tell the kids all the time - as they're trying to rip each other apart - the only person you can control in any situation is YOU. You can't force people to think the way you think; or see things your way; or get people to do what you want them to do. The only person you have control over is yourself - so adjust the way you react to people, situations and things and your life will be so much 'easier'. You will learn to think positive things about people, even when you have reason to think otherwise. You will communicate effectively even in the most heated moment - because you'll 'stay' at the bottom of the ladder and just talk it through. You won't fly off the handle, say things you don't mean and then can't take back, etc. You'll be a better friend, a better boss, a better spouse and an adequate parent. (I'd say 'better parent' but honestly, these days, I'm just striving for adequacy).
I have many moments of regret as related to my relationship with my mom, because as her life was ending, I was really starting to 'get' mine - to be myself and to express myself - and that didn't always sit well with her. And our last conversations were stilted and strained and full of some spoken things but so many left unsaid. I don't think she liked that I had found my voice and learned to stop taking her crap....and I know that sounds harsh about a mom and especially a mom you've lost - but I'm glad that she knew that I had figured it out, finally. That I wasn't living for her approval anymore - I was living for mine. And I wasn't afraid to speak up or out about things I felt strongly about - something I most definitely didn't learn from her. I think it probably shocked her and I know it pissed her off - but I think deep inside, she was probably pretty proud of me. The little girl she'd always chided for being 'too emotional' and 'too [insert many adjectives here]' ....so many other things - wasn't, anymore. I was me. I had searched my past and talked through every angst filled, painful moment and found myself in all that insecurity, doubt and pain.
I wish my mom had been on earth longer because I would have loved to have spent more time with her. It was unfortunate timing that I lost her when I did, because I was just honestly starting to 'get' so many things - and there was a lot of anger towards her that I don't feel now. She did an amazing job raising 4 kids alone and she was an incredible woman. She really was. And I would have liked for her to have gotten to know me - the real me - more.
I think sometimes 'when I'm in heaven someday, I hope I'll see her'. She doesn't ever come to me in dreams - 'cuz she was most definitely pissed at me when she died - people who know here aren't the least bit surprised about this since being stubborn was her most renowned trait - but I sure hope in heaven, she'll put her angst aside and start talking to me. We have a lot to catch up on. There's a hummingbird that hangs out in our backyard....s/he sits on the branches of the trees when I'm outside pruning and weeding and watering - and I think 'maybe that's her' - she loved hummingbirds - and it's so unusual to see a hummingbird just sitting, hanging out for many minutes just watching a human. But this one does...so it just might be her. I like thinking that. I hope it is. I do miss her so much...and miss that she's not a part of the boys life anymore. They adored her and she adored them and as they've grown up, I think 'oh, she would be so proud of them'. When they weren't making her crazy. Because my kids aren't afraid to speak up and out and she wouldn't really like that too much. But she'd adjust. So there's hope, I think, that in heaven, we can work it all out and be friends again.
I pray for that.
My mom had a stroke in 1988. I probably wouldn't remember that time frame - almost 20 years ago - except I had met J. shortly after she had the stroke and so I have the date down.
From days after the stroke until the day she died, my mom was sure her boss had ignored her phone call - as she was at her desk realizing something wasn't right, she called her boss. Who didn't answer. My mom insisted her boss had intentionally not answered - thus delaying my mom receiving help and possibly impacting the effects she had from her event. There was nothing any of us could say to persuade her differently. No amount of 'Mom, there's no way she could have known you were having a stoke and chosen to ignore you' or 'Mom, she wouldn't purposely
disregard your call if she had realized you were having a health issue. There's no way.'- but my mom never believed it and died thinking her boss had maliciously ignored her in her moment of need.
This story is my mom. This is how she lived her life - always thinking the worst of people and situations. Analyzing everything. Every little thing. Questioning every action, word, assumed or supposed motive. And I was exactly like her. Spent zillions of hours over-analyzing, working out every possible scenario to any imagined or presumed circumstance. Over reacted to the silliest things. It was a hellish way to live, really, and it impacted relationships so much. Impacted my life so much.
I work really hard at not making presumptions or assertions or jumping to any conclusions in my communications with people. I assume the best of people - assume that they intend only a sharing of information. I don't 'read into' their motives, or try to assert 'ulterior motives' onto them. I take them at face value. I stay at the 'bottom' of the ladder - I don't jump to the top of the ladder where all my life's history and experiences and trials have clouded how I interact with people. I just stay firmly at the bottom of the ladder and let the communication happen.
I call this the 'ladder of intention'. I learned about it in a class I took back in my corporate life and having this tool has really enhanced my life - my marriage, my job, my friendships and my family. I assume the best of folks and am rarely given any reason to have needed to jump to the top of the ladder. I don't presume to know their intentions or motives and I refuse to 'move up the ladder' unless it's absolutely necessary. Moving up means I'm letting MY experiences and beliefs and psyche to 'cloud' the moment with all my 'stuff' and shade the persons communication with MY crap. Which isn't healthy since you honestly have no way of knowing what a person is intending - you're not them.
I have tried diligently to convey this philosophy to those around me. If I hear someone at work make a comment about someone else that is clearly related to their perceptions of another person, I will kindly suggest 'oh, I don't think that's what they meant at all' and move on. Sometimes, comments that I know are intended to elicit a response are simply ignored and dis-acknowledged by refocusing back on the topic at hand - the issue we need to resolve - and ignore the comments made about persons, places or things that are the person's perception of reality - not necessarily the actual reality.
I tell the kids all the time - as they're trying to rip each other apart - the only person you can control in any situation is YOU. You can't force people to think the way you think; or see things your way; or get people to do what you want them to do. The only person you have control over is yourself - so adjust the way you react to people, situations and things and your life will be so much 'easier'. You will learn to think positive things about people, even when you have reason to think otherwise. You will communicate effectively even in the most heated moment - because you'll 'stay' at the bottom of the ladder and just talk it through. You won't fly off the handle, say things you don't mean and then can't take back, etc. You'll be a better friend, a better boss, a better spouse and an adequate parent. (I'd say 'better parent' but honestly, these days, I'm just striving for adequacy).
I have many moments of regret as related to my relationship with my mom, because as her life was ending, I was really starting to 'get' mine - to be myself and to express myself - and that didn't always sit well with her. And our last conversations were stilted and strained and full of some spoken things but so many left unsaid. I don't think she liked that I had found my voice and learned to stop taking her crap....and I know that sounds harsh about a mom and especially a mom you've lost - but I'm glad that she knew that I had figured it out, finally. That I wasn't living for her approval anymore - I was living for mine. And I wasn't afraid to speak up or out about things I felt strongly about - something I most definitely didn't learn from her. I think it probably shocked her and I know it pissed her off - but I think deep inside, she was probably pretty proud of me. The little girl she'd always chided for being 'too emotional' and 'too [insert many adjectives here]' ....so many other things - wasn't, anymore. I was me. I had searched my past and talked through every angst filled, painful moment and found myself in all that insecurity, doubt and pain.
I wish my mom had been on earth longer because I would have loved to have spent more time with her. It was unfortunate timing that I lost her when I did, because I was just honestly starting to 'get' so many things - and there was a lot of anger towards her that I don't feel now. She did an amazing job raising 4 kids alone and she was an incredible woman. She really was. And I would have liked for her to have gotten to know me - the real me - more.
I think sometimes 'when I'm in heaven someday, I hope I'll see her'. She doesn't ever come to me in dreams - 'cuz she was most definitely pissed at me when she died - people who know here aren't the least bit surprised about this since being stubborn was her most renowned trait - but I sure hope in heaven, she'll put her angst aside and start talking to me. We have a lot to catch up on. There's a hummingbird that hangs out in our backyard....s/he sits on the branches of the trees when I'm outside pruning and weeding and watering - and I think 'maybe that's her' - she loved hummingbirds - and it's so unusual to see a hummingbird just sitting, hanging out for many minutes just watching a human. But this one does...so it just might be her. I like thinking that. I hope it is. I do miss her so much...and miss that she's not a part of the boys life anymore. They adored her and she adored them and as they've grown up, I think 'oh, she would be so proud of them'. When they weren't making her crazy. Because my kids aren't afraid to speak up and out and she wouldn't really like that too much. But she'd adjust. So there's hope, I think, that in heaven, we can work it all out and be friends again.
I pray for that.
Found
I arrived home this afternoon to find a long missing Starbucks card on my desk chair. I have been missing the card for several weeks. Once a month, I 'load' a gift card and use it throughout the month for my Starbucks visits - saves time at the cash register. (Oh, and check out the previous post comment where my wonderful hubby basically affirmed my morning Starbucks by pointing out that I'm not actually saving much by driving to the JITB across town...love a guy who gives me permission to do what's easiest, not necessarily the most frugal).
I had just about given up on finding the card - assumed it had been dropped out of my pants pocket and just hoped that whomever found it would enjoy the treats. But there it was, miraculously, and slightly bent - so it's been in either someones wallet - and the wallet would be the kind a guy would have in his back pocket - or possibly a pants pocket that's gone through the washer. Either option is entirely possible.
I had a fantastic day today - and I am really starting to love this job. I've had that feeling before today, though I would still periodically have the 'flee' feeling. But that feeling is completely gone and in it's place, is pleasure at 'digging in' to what's on my plate and pride at how I am really good at this - and getting better everyday. I know that sounds pretentious and snobbish and 'stuck up' - I don't mean it that way at all - but I feel good about how I'm starting to catch on and make sense of things that I've been 'lost' about for months. It's starting to get easier and easier - at least some parts, anyway. I told my boss today 'I learn as I go and sometimes, when the you-know-what hits the fan, that's when I really start to 'get' certain things 'cuz I'm forced to just bury myself in it until I figure it all out'. And that's what I've done the past couple days. A couple long simmering 'items' on the dozen page 'list of things I need to learn' have risen to the top of the heap and so they have been dissected and analyzed. Lists have been made. Lawyers, accountants, consultants, cohorts, etc. have been queried. I had more productive interactions and made more progress on some long-outstanding, very complicated, confusing issues today than I have in months. And THAT feels incredibly good.
Hopefully, I'll remember this feeling on Saturday when I'll most likely be working to do the 'regular' stuff I need to get to that doesn't involve burying myself in files, scheduling conference calls, etc. There's still tons of work to do related to year-end items and I have to get to all those things, too. So working this weekend is likely.
We will have a very busy weekend 'cuz on Monday, the 'team' arrives to do all the windows (inside and out) and screens and clean the house from top to bottom. Most rooms are pretty close to 'ready' but a few are most definitely not. We are still culling, sorting, de-cluttering, etc. and will continue over the next 4 days. J. will be working at home that day to ensure they are here and working and to keep things moving. I can't WAIT to get home on Monday evening to a sparkling home.
AND THEN, next weekend, my wonderful Aunt Mary is coming to visit from Boston! Can't wait to see her!! We are going to a Megan Slankard concert at Cedar Mountain Winery in Livermore and then we're hoping to have a day to head down to Santa Cruz for some beach/boardwalk time. The kids have been asking to get to the beach this summer so we're going to try to make that happen while Mary is here. And/or possibly the Monterey Bay Aquarium. We'll see if we're all in the 'mood' for the drive(s) and walking. We may just hang out here and enjoy our home and her company - we're flexible. Time with her is a rare and wonderful treat and I'm taking 2 days off work to enjoy every minute of her visit!
I had just about given up on finding the card - assumed it had been dropped out of my pants pocket and just hoped that whomever found it would enjoy the treats. But there it was, miraculously, and slightly bent - so it's been in either someones wallet - and the wallet would be the kind a guy would have in his back pocket - or possibly a pants pocket that's gone through the washer. Either option is entirely possible.
I had a fantastic day today - and I am really starting to love this job. I've had that feeling before today, though I would still periodically have the 'flee' feeling. But that feeling is completely gone and in it's place, is pleasure at 'digging in' to what's on my plate and pride at how I am really good at this - and getting better everyday. I know that sounds pretentious and snobbish and 'stuck up' - I don't mean it that way at all - but I feel good about how I'm starting to catch on and make sense of things that I've been 'lost' about for months. It's starting to get easier and easier - at least some parts, anyway. I told my boss today 'I learn as I go and sometimes, when the you-know-what hits the fan, that's when I really start to 'get' certain things 'cuz I'm forced to just bury myself in it until I figure it all out'. And that's what I've done the past couple days. A couple long simmering 'items' on the dozen page 'list of things I need to learn' have risen to the top of the heap and so they have been dissected and analyzed. Lists have been made. Lawyers, accountants, consultants, cohorts, etc. have been queried. I had more productive interactions and made more progress on some long-outstanding, very complicated, confusing issues today than I have in months. And THAT feels incredibly good.
Hopefully, I'll remember this feeling on Saturday when I'll most likely be working to do the 'regular' stuff I need to get to that doesn't involve burying myself in files, scheduling conference calls, etc. There's still tons of work to do related to year-end items and I have to get to all those things, too. So working this weekend is likely.
We will have a very busy weekend 'cuz on Monday, the 'team' arrives to do all the windows (inside and out) and screens and clean the house from top to bottom. Most rooms are pretty close to 'ready' but a few are most definitely not. We are still culling, sorting, de-cluttering, etc. and will continue over the next 4 days. J. will be working at home that day to ensure they are here and working and to keep things moving. I can't WAIT to get home on Monday evening to a sparkling home.
AND THEN, next weekend, my wonderful Aunt Mary is coming to visit from Boston! Can't wait to see her!! We are going to a Megan Slankard concert at Cedar Mountain Winery in Livermore and then we're hoping to have a day to head down to Santa Cruz for some beach/boardwalk time. The kids have been asking to get to the beach this summer so we're going to try to make that happen while Mary is here. And/or possibly the Monterey Bay Aquarium. We'll see if we're all in the 'mood' for the drive(s) and walking. We may just hang out here and enjoy our home and her company - we're flexible. Time with her is a rare and wonderful treat and I'm taking 2 days off work to enjoy every minute of her visit!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Tea
The colossal headache yesterday didn't abate until mid-afternoon. And I'm kind of thinking that the 'switch' to JITB iced tea is the culprit. See, I drink a LOT of tea - have been drinking 48 oz. of Starbucks tea daily for months. And I don't let them add water to the concentrate - just straight, strong tea concentrate over ice. So that's DOUBLE the caffeine. I think the watered down JITB version day before yesterday wasn't enough 'juice' to keep a caffeine withdrawal headache at bay.
As soon as I had absorbed double Starbucks teas yesterday, I was good - fine.
Class was great and I LOVED Capitola. And Aptos, which I ended up in accidentally. I came back home around 8 last night and immediatley looked at vrbo.com to find rentals. And we will be spending weeks down there in retirement. It's a couple hours drive and it's beautiful!! and beachy. The ocean breeze hit me as I got out of my car to head into the class and I just felt so 'at home' and peaceful.
Heading to work shortly. Busy day - no surprise there.
B. said 'you're weird' to me last night in a hurtful way. He's a teen and I know that - but sometimes, I just can't figure out where this kid 'came from'. I won't bore you with the details - suffice it to say, he overstepped his bounds and he knows it. But that doesn't erase the words. And I'm pretty pissed off about his entire tirade and will remain so for some time.
Ah, the joys of motherhood.
As soon as I had absorbed double Starbucks teas yesterday, I was good - fine.
Class was great and I LOVED Capitola. And Aptos, which I ended up in accidentally. I came back home around 8 last night and immediatley looked at vrbo.com to find rentals. And we will be spending weeks down there in retirement. It's a couple hours drive and it's beautiful!! and beachy. The ocean breeze hit me as I got out of my car to head into the class and I just felt so 'at home' and peaceful.
Heading to work shortly. Busy day - no surprise there.
B. said 'you're weird' to me last night in a hurtful way. He's a teen and I know that - but sometimes, I just can't figure out where this kid 'came from'. I won't bore you with the details - suffice it to say, he overstepped his bounds and he knows it. But that doesn't erase the words. And I'm pretty pissed off about his entire tirade and will remain so for some time.
Ah, the joys of motherhood.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Regret
Of course, the morning after making the decision, I'm filled with 'uh-oh'. Like I should have considered the insurance differences (significantly better coverage and lower out of pocket costs at former job vs. current job); retirement benefits (none at current job, yes at former job); etc.
I just have to believe that I'm here, working at a job in the town I live in (which anyone in Tracy will tell you is what we all dream about - to be able to find good paying work and NOT have to commute over the Altamont) for reasons that may not be clear to be now, but will be someday. And certainly, the ability to get myself to work without bumper to bumper traffic is a great thing.
I have, however, recently quadrupled my commute, since I now drive across town and back to get a Jack In The Box iced tea most mornings. I was getting TWO venti black iced teas at the Starbucks in the Savemart near our home every morning, but spending $4 a day on tea started to feel 'wrong' to me. So now I spend $1.84/day - I just have to drive a long way to get it.
And even doing that, I STILL make it to work in under 15 minutes everyday.
I just have to believe that I'm here, working at a job in the town I live in (which anyone in Tracy will tell you is what we all dream about - to be able to find good paying work and NOT have to commute over the Altamont) for reasons that may not be clear to be now, but will be someday. And certainly, the ability to get myself to work without bumper to bumper traffic is a great thing.
I have, however, recently quadrupled my commute, since I now drive across town and back to get a Jack In The Box iced tea most mornings. I was getting TWO venti black iced teas at the Starbucks in the Savemart near our home every morning, but spending $4 a day on tea started to feel 'wrong' to me. So now I spend $1.84/day - I just have to drive a long way to get it.
And even doing that, I STILL make it to work in under 15 minutes everyday.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Resolved
I emailed my former boss this morning to tell him I was not applying for the job. Thanked him for wishing me back there. Explained that I wasn't going to let my 'flee response' urge me out of a job I know I am very good at; getting better every day at; and will be working at until I retire. I then also forwarded the email I sent to him to my current boss, to have him be the 2nd person who knew my decision. He has been on vacation for a couple weeks but within a few minutes of sending the email, my phone rang and it was him [current boss] thanking me for sharing the email with him and letting me know he was glad my decision was to be where I am. I was planning on telling him in person, but he isn't back until tomorrow and I didn't want to wait. I'm glad I emailed him and so glad he called. He has known that I am 'torn' between two places for quite some time and he knows it has been difficult trying to 'decide' where to be. And he has been exceedingly supportive and patient while I thought it all through and decided what to do. And the obvious pleasure in his voice said it all - he's relieved and glad I'm staying where I'm at.
I received a followup email from my former boss this evening, saying he thought the decision was well thought out - and wishing me well. He closed with 'take care' - which is the closing I use when I have no intention of speaking to someone any time soon. I hope that's not the case in this example, but I realize we won't be corresponding frequently. No need to.
I made the decision that is best for me and my family...it is not the decision that simplified my former boss' life. But I know they will be fine. They will find the right person for their new job. It just won't be me.
I'm not sad about it, which feels good. I have been torn up for 7 months about 'what to do'. And I'm done with that. I know what I'm doing, where I'm doing it and with whom. And I fully expect to retire from this district in 8 years. Though if I'm loving what I'm doing and the job is still fun, I'll stay longer. We'll just have to see how it turns out.
Farewell, LP College. I love you and miss you and accept that I probably always will.
I received a followup email from my former boss this evening, saying he thought the decision was well thought out - and wishing me well. He closed with 'take care' - which is the closing I use when I have no intention of speaking to someone any time soon. I hope that's not the case in this example, but I realize we won't be corresponding frequently. No need to.
I made the decision that is best for me and my family...it is not the decision that simplified my former boss' life. But I know they will be fine. They will find the right person for their new job. It just won't be me.
I'm not sad about it, which feels good. I have been torn up for 7 months about 'what to do'. And I'm done with that. I know what I'm doing, where I'm doing it and with whom. And I fully expect to retire from this district in 8 years. Though if I'm loving what I'm doing and the job is still fun, I'll stay longer. We'll just have to see how it turns out.
Farewell, LP College. I love you and miss you and accept that I probably always will.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Harry
We saw the latest Harry Potter movie this afternoon - and it left me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. The story line did that - but also the boys, who love these stories so much. I feel so blessed to have watched Harry and the boys grow up together. The books are just so great and then the adaptation to screen is just so incredible. I just can't describe it - and I know it's primarily because it's such fun to love sharing that with B. and H. H. said on the way to the theatre 'this is number 5, right Mom? And there's 2 more?' And when I answered 'yes', he said 'but why does she have to end after two more? Why? Why can't she keep writing them?' And I said 'she's had these stories planned out for years and she knows how she wants it to end - so it has to end.'
J. didn't go with us 'cuz he was feeling a bit under the weather. So it was me and the kids. B. is so sweet - during the really exciting, intense, kind of scary parts, I'd loop my arm through his and he'd patiently hold my hand until the scary part was over. He said 'are you OK, Mom?' I said 'I'm fine - I just need an arm and a hand to hold - I wish Dad was here'. He said 'it's OK, Mom, I'm here'. He's such a sweetheart - and he's growing up so much. I see him from 'afar' now and then - like when he drove to my office on Friday to drop off something I'd forgotten - I didn't recognize him as he walked up the ramp to our door. Or today, in Costco, standing near our cart - I thought 'where's our cart' - 'cuz I was looking for a boy - but he's not a boy anymore, he's a young man. Pretty handsome young man, too, though I'm a bit biased.
I rushed into the house and ran upstairs to find the books - #5 and #6 so I can read them again before the final chapter comes out in a week. Which we've already ordered from amazon.com so it will be delivered to our door the day of the release. I resisted buying two - which we've done in the past 'cuz there's 3 of us in the house that can't wait to read them so sharing one book is torture. But the boys have so much to read for their summer pre-school reading, I think I stand a chance of getting my hands on the book. I need to read #6 more carefully - and want to read #5 again to compare it to the movie. If we end up needing another copy, we'll get it at Costco and then donate it the city library when we're done - as we've done before.
I loved to read as a kid. Read every night before bed, sometimes with a flashlight under the covers to keep my mom from knowing how late I was staying up. I devoured my elementary school library's biography section. Also anything about marine biology, oceans, oceanography. And Nancy Drew. All of them. Yellow hard bindings - I had the entire set. I read them over and over and over - and loved them. Almost as much as I love Harry Potter now.
But I am clearly over the moon about these books. I know there are lots of families who will not let their kids experience these stories - in our family, also. Those who believe that anything 'magical' is against God and therefore, should never be read. For me, these stories reinforce faith - and love and friendship. Harry is learning that even as you get older, and you change - you resist authority and acknowledge darker feelings towards others, at times - anger is a part of life...but you also learn that you are loved - by many, many people. People you've known for a long time and people you've recently encountered - and in the end, that's what it's all about. Love, friendship, faith in yourself, in your beliefs. That's what these stories are about. It makes me sad that some kids will never read these books - but I am so glad mine can. We don't just read them in this house - we devour them. We can't wait for the final book to come out and then the final two movies. The ending will be sad - because it will be the 'end' of this magical set of characters and their growing up years. And my boys will be grown up as well. But I can't wait to read the books to my grand kids - cover to cover. And watch the DVDs together. I hope they love them as much as I do. And maybe, J.K. Rowling will decide to take the stories forward as Harry is an adult. That would be great. I hope she does.
We wait to see the ending of the final chapter. I have already warned the boys that I will be turning to the ending - that's just me. I won't tell them how it ends and then I will read the entire book cover to cover. But I just have to know how it ends. Like H., I honestly don't ever want it to end. I want the boys to always love going to the movies with me and to always beg me to order multiple copies of books. I want them to always have that excitement in their life.
Like all the excitement and joy they've brought to mine over the years. They are magical. It's the best word to describe being a mom. Magical.
J. didn't go with us 'cuz he was feeling a bit under the weather. So it was me and the kids. B. is so sweet - during the really exciting, intense, kind of scary parts, I'd loop my arm through his and he'd patiently hold my hand until the scary part was over. He said 'are you OK, Mom?' I said 'I'm fine - I just need an arm and a hand to hold - I wish Dad was here'. He said 'it's OK, Mom, I'm here'. He's such a sweetheart - and he's growing up so much. I see him from 'afar' now and then - like when he drove to my office on Friday to drop off something I'd forgotten - I didn't recognize him as he walked up the ramp to our door. Or today, in Costco, standing near our cart - I thought 'where's our cart' - 'cuz I was looking for a boy - but he's not a boy anymore, he's a young man. Pretty handsome young man, too, though I'm a bit biased.
I rushed into the house and ran upstairs to find the books - #5 and #6 so I can read them again before the final chapter comes out in a week. Which we've already ordered from amazon.com so it will be delivered to our door the day of the release. I resisted buying two - which we've done in the past 'cuz there's 3 of us in the house that can't wait to read them so sharing one book is torture. But the boys have so much to read for their summer pre-school reading, I think I stand a chance of getting my hands on the book. I need to read #6 more carefully - and want to read #5 again to compare it to the movie. If we end up needing another copy, we'll get it at Costco and then donate it the city library when we're done - as we've done before.
I loved to read as a kid. Read every night before bed, sometimes with a flashlight under the covers to keep my mom from knowing how late I was staying up. I devoured my elementary school library's biography section. Also anything about marine biology, oceans, oceanography. And Nancy Drew. All of them. Yellow hard bindings - I had the entire set. I read them over and over and over - and loved them. Almost as much as I love Harry Potter now.
But I am clearly over the moon about these books. I know there are lots of families who will not let their kids experience these stories - in our family, also. Those who believe that anything 'magical' is against God and therefore, should never be read. For me, these stories reinforce faith - and love and friendship. Harry is learning that even as you get older, and you change - you resist authority and acknowledge darker feelings towards others, at times - anger is a part of life...but you also learn that you are loved - by many, many people. People you've known for a long time and people you've recently encountered - and in the end, that's what it's all about. Love, friendship, faith in yourself, in your beliefs. That's what these stories are about. It makes me sad that some kids will never read these books - but I am so glad mine can. We don't just read them in this house - we devour them. We can't wait for the final book to come out and then the final two movies. The ending will be sad - because it will be the 'end' of this magical set of characters and their growing up years. And my boys will be grown up as well. But I can't wait to read the books to my grand kids - cover to cover. And watch the DVDs together. I hope they love them as much as I do. And maybe, J.K. Rowling will decide to take the stories forward as Harry is an adult. That would be great. I hope she does.
We wait to see the ending of the final chapter. I have already warned the boys that I will be turning to the ending - that's just me. I won't tell them how it ends and then I will read the entire book cover to cover. But I just have to know how it ends. Like H., I honestly don't ever want it to end. I want the boys to always love going to the movies with me and to always beg me to order multiple copies of books. I want them to always have that excitement in their life.
Like all the excitement and joy they've brought to mine over the years. They are magical. It's the best word to describe being a mom. Magical.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Surprise
I'm attending a 50th birthday surprise party this afternoon for a coworker. I'm looking forward to it, pretty much - except for the 'fear' that I'll somehow ruin the surprise. That I'll pull up into the driveway too early or too late, somehow being 'seen'. That she'll recognize my car (though I plan to drive a car I never drive to work in the hopes that detail will throw her off). It's a 50's theme - and I'm not wearing a poodle skirt nor a pony tail. Well, I may put my hair into a ponytail but probably not. And I'm just wearing 'regular' clothes. No dress up. It will be fun. She's been a good friend to me since I've worked there and she's a hoot, so I'm sure her family and non-work friends are also. Interesting to see who (if anyone) else from work will be there since not a word has been uttered. Which is amazing since the place is usually buzzing about a variety of topics.
We received the annual statement for our car insurance yesterday - with B. added. OH MY GOSH. I was stunned at the number. Even though I'd done the math - seeing it in writing, and especially broken out by driver - to see that he is costing us more than THREE TIMES what it costs to insure me and J. COMBINED - it's incredible. Absolutely mind boggling. I gave him a 'gentle but firm' reminder to quickly take the DVD course they sent him 'cuz completion of that and entering a code on the website will save us 20% . And then to bring his GPA up to a 3.0 saves another 10%. And cautioned him that one accident will most likely result in him not driving since we can't afford more than this. No way. I don't know how we'll handle it when H. starts driving in two years. And then I reminded J. that he can call and take a course for 'mature' drivers (over 50 is mature for CSAA apparently) and that will save us another undefined percentage. We will do it - and I will take it when I turn the big 5-0 also, since every bit of savings helps. Criminy. Hope they get jobs soon to help with some of these expenses.
I think that's starting to be a stark realization in our lives - at this time in our earning history, when we are both making very good $$, and we should be saving hand over fist, we are instead raising two teens. WE ARE saving hand over fist - socking $$ away in J.'s retirement accounts like crazy. But we aren't at the time in our lives when there's 'extra' - more coming in than is going out. And we won't be there, it seems, until J. is about to retire - and then that income is gone and the opportunity to sock away additional dollars is gone. Forever. Scary. And for years - at this point, we're not sure how many years - but for years, I and I alone will be the income generator in the family. And I just hope that we don't end up feeling like we can never do without my income. I mean, as the boys leave the nest and get settled on their own - and start covering their own insurance, food, clothing, entertainment, etc. expenses - our expenses will dramatically decrease. But that decrease will happen at the same time as the decrease of J.'s income happens. So I just hope we don't feel compelled for me to work FOREVER to keep income flowing in. I know I will feel like I should, but hopefully, I'll know I won't need to. On the other hand, hopefully, I'll be loving what I'm doing so much that I won't want to quit until I'm in my 70's. And J. and I will be able to take many 'spur of the moment' trips all over the world, without kids or pets to tie us down. Oh, to dream.
We received the annual statement for our car insurance yesterday - with B. added. OH MY GOSH. I was stunned at the number. Even though I'd done the math - seeing it in writing, and especially broken out by driver - to see that he is costing us more than THREE TIMES what it costs to insure me and J. COMBINED - it's incredible. Absolutely mind boggling. I gave him a 'gentle but firm' reminder to quickly take the DVD course they sent him 'cuz completion of that and entering a code on the website will save us 20% . And then to bring his GPA up to a 3.0 saves another 10%. And cautioned him that one accident will most likely result in him not driving since we can't afford more than this. No way. I don't know how we'll handle it when H. starts driving in two years. And then I reminded J. that he can call and take a course for 'mature' drivers (over 50 is mature for CSAA apparently) and that will save us another undefined percentage. We will do it - and I will take it when I turn the big 5-0 also, since every bit of savings helps. Criminy. Hope they get jobs soon to help with some of these expenses.
I think that's starting to be a stark realization in our lives - at this time in our earning history, when we are both making very good $$, and we should be saving hand over fist, we are instead raising two teens. WE ARE saving hand over fist - socking $$ away in J.'s retirement accounts like crazy. But we aren't at the time in our lives when there's 'extra' - more coming in than is going out. And we won't be there, it seems, until J. is about to retire - and then that income is gone and the opportunity to sock away additional dollars is gone. Forever. Scary. And for years - at this point, we're not sure how many years - but for years, I and I alone will be the income generator in the family. And I just hope that we don't end up feeling like we can never do without my income. I mean, as the boys leave the nest and get settled on their own - and start covering their own insurance, food, clothing, entertainment, etc. expenses - our expenses will dramatically decrease. But that decrease will happen at the same time as the decrease of J.'s income happens. So I just hope we don't feel compelled for me to work FOREVER to keep income flowing in. I know I will feel like I should, but hopefully, I'll know I won't need to. On the other hand, hopefully, I'll be loving what I'm doing so much that I won't want to quit until I'm in my 70's. And J. and I will be able to take many 'spur of the moment' trips all over the world, without kids or pets to tie us down. Oh, to dream.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Sugar
J. was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes a couple weeks ago. Definitely puts an entirely different perspective on eating. He doesn't have to inject insulin, thank goodness. He's on medication, losing weight (he's down 20 pounds so far), and watching what he eats. Like a hawk.
The DVD that came with his glucometer gave us some interesting information on carbs. 15 grams of carbs = 1 carb choice. And meals should have 2-3 carb choices max and one snack with 1-2 carb choices. Really makes you think about what you eat. A 1/2 cup of brown rice is a meals worth of carbs. And a half cup of rice on your plate isn't much. But when it's all you 'get', it's delicious and you eat absolutely every morsel of it. I, too, am now watching my carbs - because I'm trying hard to help him and I need to lose a lot of weight myself. It is hard - so hard. I love 'crunchy' stuff - and all crunchy stuff is carb-loaded. Well, carrots aren't - but that's not the 'crunch' I crave. So I'm looking for soy crisps, etc. where a few has some carbs but is mainly protein. I just have to have some crunch.
This evening, I made sugar free peach shortcakes. I bought the peaches weekend before last at Coscto - and then our 4th of July became the day of 'bed shopping' and our BBQ was just eating a regular dinner. I never got around to cooking the shortcakes and the peaches were sort of not ripe enough anyway. And then I went away this past weekend. SO I left work a wee bit early this afternoon and came home and cooked. I sliced the peaches and sprinkled with Splenda. Made Bisquick shortcakes and used Splenda instead of sugar. And I looked for sugar free whip topping but instead, made it homemade. With Splenda. And THAT, my friends, is the BEST part of a delicious low-sugar treat - the whip cream. Now that I know how easy it is, I will NEVER buy canned whip cream again. It is delicious!
My sister's lunch date yesterday was fab and they are officially 'going steady'. She said the waitress at the restaurant thought they were so cute and 'in love', she brought balloons and confetti to their table. So cute. They have agreed to see each other only (no more Yahoo personals for either of them) and take it slow. It is just so cool that her 'first' cyber-date turned out to be a keeper. How lucky is that?? Of course, she had some 'frogs' send her inquiries - and she ruled them out for various reasons. But she found the first one she chose to meet 'in person' and he's great. Lucky her! No one deserves it more.
I ruminated all night about her ex. Things I'd like to say to him, face to face. Like: you took her to Ohio for 5 hellish years for what? To take her happiness? To make her as miserable as you are, just in your day to day like? So messed up, love-less, life-less. Closed to emotions and feelings and people. And she was just too 'alive' for you - so you take her to cold and snow and things you know she hates - and then berate everything she does? EVERYTHING? She's never good enough, nothing she does is ever right? What's with you? You poor inept man. You wonder why your art doesn't sell? I'll tell you why - because it has no 'soul'. It doesn't speak to people. It's technically good but it's not 'art'. It doesn't bring out emotions in people - it's just 'accurate'. It's sad that you don't 'see' things with your heart. Or know things with your soul. You just can't. And that's not HER failing - it's yours. Totally yours. And as if the 5 years of slowly sliding into hell for her wasn't enough - she leaves that place and YOU and makes a life for herself in a state she loves, near people she loves - and you have to follow her there? And spend 8 months there trying to interject yourself into her new happiness? And when you realize that you can't break her again - that she is what she has always been - smart, fun, resilient, joyful, and happy, in spite of you - you still attempt to destroy her again - by announcing that yes, in fact, there is and always was someone else - and you're leaving to go back to that person.
Go. Good riddance. Don't hurt her anymore. She never needed you to be happy - she is happiness all by herself. She always has been. She was the best thing that ever happened to you - your family-less life you created that she found you in - alone, and lonely and longing - she gave you a family, and kids, and people who loved you. Who LEARNED to love you 'cuz loving you isn't easy. But we all did love you. For 30+ years. And just like that, we don't anymore. I sure don't. I can't forgive you for hurting her and won't forgive you, ever, for how you tried to destroy her. You could have just admitted early on that your feelings had changed - and you had found someone else. That would have been sad and hard and hurtful. But holy crap - as painful as that would have been for her, it would have been so much easier than what you did to her. You could have just been a man and admitted your failing. But no - it's all you, all the time. You had to try to make it about her. You immature, self absorbed sap. We see through you, you transparent ass. So leave her the hell alone, OK?
K., I love you very much and just had to 'let it out'. Forgive me. And I can't tell you how much I admire you for all you've done for yourself - to move forward, step by step. You are brave and bold and sparkly from the inside out. You are one of my best friends and I never imagined we would ever 'get' to this place as sisters. I'm so glad and it was worth all the time it took to make it here. I am very proud of you and honored to be your sister.
Go getta 'im, kiddo!
The DVD that came with his glucometer gave us some interesting information on carbs. 15 grams of carbs = 1 carb choice. And meals should have 2-3 carb choices max and one snack with 1-2 carb choices. Really makes you think about what you eat. A 1/2 cup of brown rice is a meals worth of carbs. And a half cup of rice on your plate isn't much. But when it's all you 'get', it's delicious and you eat absolutely every morsel of it. I, too, am now watching my carbs - because I'm trying hard to help him and I need to lose a lot of weight myself. It is hard - so hard. I love 'crunchy' stuff - and all crunchy stuff is carb-loaded. Well, carrots aren't - but that's not the 'crunch' I crave. So I'm looking for soy crisps, etc. where a few has some carbs but is mainly protein. I just have to have some crunch.
This evening, I made sugar free peach shortcakes. I bought the peaches weekend before last at Coscto - and then our 4th of July became the day of 'bed shopping' and our BBQ was just eating a regular dinner. I never got around to cooking the shortcakes and the peaches were sort of not ripe enough anyway. And then I went away this past weekend. SO I left work a wee bit early this afternoon and came home and cooked. I sliced the peaches and sprinkled with Splenda. Made Bisquick shortcakes and used Splenda instead of sugar. And I looked for sugar free whip topping but instead, made it homemade. With Splenda. And THAT, my friends, is the BEST part of a delicious low-sugar treat - the whip cream. Now that I know how easy it is, I will NEVER buy canned whip cream again. It is delicious!
My sister's lunch date yesterday was fab and they are officially 'going steady'. She said the waitress at the restaurant thought they were so cute and 'in love', she brought balloons and confetti to their table. So cute. They have agreed to see each other only (no more Yahoo personals for either of them) and take it slow. It is just so cool that her 'first' cyber-date turned out to be a keeper. How lucky is that?? Of course, she had some 'frogs' send her inquiries - and she ruled them out for various reasons. But she found the first one she chose to meet 'in person' and he's great. Lucky her! No one deserves it more.
I ruminated all night about her ex. Things I'd like to say to him, face to face. Like: you took her to Ohio for 5 hellish years for what? To take her happiness? To make her as miserable as you are, just in your day to day like? So messed up, love-less, life-less. Closed to emotions and feelings and people. And she was just too 'alive' for you - so you take her to cold and snow and things you know she hates - and then berate everything she does? EVERYTHING? She's never good enough, nothing she does is ever right? What's with you? You poor inept man. You wonder why your art doesn't sell? I'll tell you why - because it has no 'soul'. It doesn't speak to people. It's technically good but it's not 'art'. It doesn't bring out emotions in people - it's just 'accurate'. It's sad that you don't 'see' things with your heart. Or know things with your soul. You just can't. And that's not HER failing - it's yours. Totally yours. And as if the 5 years of slowly sliding into hell for her wasn't enough - she leaves that place and YOU and makes a life for herself in a state she loves, near people she loves - and you have to follow her there? And spend 8 months there trying to interject yourself into her new happiness? And when you realize that you can't break her again - that she is what she has always been - smart, fun, resilient, joyful, and happy, in spite of you - you still attempt to destroy her again - by announcing that yes, in fact, there is and always was someone else - and you're leaving to go back to that person.
Go. Good riddance. Don't hurt her anymore. She never needed you to be happy - she is happiness all by herself. She always has been. She was the best thing that ever happened to you - your family-less life you created that she found you in - alone, and lonely and longing - she gave you a family, and kids, and people who loved you. Who LEARNED to love you 'cuz loving you isn't easy. But we all did love you. For 30+ years. And just like that, we don't anymore. I sure don't. I can't forgive you for hurting her and won't forgive you, ever, for how you tried to destroy her. You could have just admitted early on that your feelings had changed - and you had found someone else. That would have been sad and hard and hurtful. But holy crap - as painful as that would have been for her, it would have been so much easier than what you did to her. You could have just been a man and admitted your failing. But no - it's all you, all the time. You had to try to make it about her. You immature, self absorbed sap. We see through you, you transparent ass. So leave her the hell alone, OK?
K., I love you very much and just had to 'let it out'. Forgive me. And I can't tell you how much I admire you for all you've done for yourself - to move forward, step by step. You are brave and bold and sparkly from the inside out. You are one of my best friends and I never imagined we would ever 'get' to this place as sisters. I'm so glad and it was worth all the time it took to make it here. I am very proud of you and honored to be your sister.
Go getta 'im, kiddo!
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Party
The party was a smashing success! The butterfly theme was predominant - from the butterfly shaped sandwiches (deviled ham and chicken salad - much meaning in those selections given the dissolution of an over 30 year marriage) to the butterfly cake (which I decorated with my sister's help - she's crafty, I sadly, am not - but she taught me how to trace a pattern and make a stencil) and while it was not symmetrical, it was lovely anyway and delicious to boot. And butterflies throughout the house - napkins in butterfly shapes, hanging on the walls, etc. Her neighbors are all absolutely lovely - and honestly, made living in an 'active adult' retirement community seem like so much fun - just full of nice people, all watching out for each other. K. has instant friends who watch her every move (which is lovely though offers some challenges). We had a great time and were busy, busy from morning till night.
Her new 'friend' was there and I have to say, he seems lovely as well. He mingled well - and isn't that a good sign when a guy can be invited to a party full of people he doesn't know and he manages to join in and make conversation, laugh a lot, etc. He is obviously enchanted with my sister - which doesn't surprise me because she is enchanting in many ways. But, this is her very first 'post-divorce' relationship so it is just so 'scary' to see it moving at lightening speed. But she's cautious and careful and has no intention of being swept off her feet. Or at least thinks she doesn't. Still, it's pretty hard not to be swept when the guy doing the sweeping is sweet and nice. So I'm holding my breath and wishing her well in this new 'friendship'. He called first thing this morning - like he'd been sitting by the phone since the crack of dawn, just waiting until 8 AM and was finally able to call just after 8. And she met him for yet another lunch. Fun, I'm sure, and now I'm obsessively checking my emails for an update.
The flight home was delayed - plane was from DFW and there are thunderstorms there today. I did my 'angel' routine - the two young girls seated next to me both were horribly airsick. The younger one pretty much slept the entire way - though she did start throwing up as soon as we landed. Her older sister (sitting next to me) was sick the entire trip - and so I held her head, offered cold towels, sips of ginger ale and 7-up, comfort, distraction - anything I could think of. And when she was throwing up, I held her long hair out of the way and gave her a cold towel to wipe her face with. She was so sweet and such a nice young lady - 13 years old and beautiful - and a great conversationalist. Her parents were refugees from Bosnia who went to Denmark, where she was born. They moved to Dallas where her younger sister was born. They were on their way to Hawaii for vacation - so she was most definitely not looking forward to another 5 hour flight. I suggest Dramamine to the mom as we left the plane - she was sweet and grateful for my help and thanked me a zillion times, as did the flight attendants. Funny how I can't handle it with my kids - but with two strangers, it was do-able.
Glad to be home and anticipating a busy week at work, as always.
K, I'm checking your blog shortly and sure hope you're writing!
Her new 'friend' was there and I have to say, he seems lovely as well. He mingled well - and isn't that a good sign when a guy can be invited to a party full of people he doesn't know and he manages to join in and make conversation, laugh a lot, etc. He is obviously enchanted with my sister - which doesn't surprise me because she is enchanting in many ways. But, this is her very first 'post-divorce' relationship so it is just so 'scary' to see it moving at lightening speed. But she's cautious and careful and has no intention of being swept off her feet. Or at least thinks she doesn't. Still, it's pretty hard not to be swept when the guy doing the sweeping is sweet and nice. So I'm holding my breath and wishing her well in this new 'friendship'. He called first thing this morning - like he'd been sitting by the phone since the crack of dawn, just waiting until 8 AM and was finally able to call just after 8. And she met him for yet another lunch. Fun, I'm sure, and now I'm obsessively checking my emails for an update.
The flight home was delayed - plane was from DFW and there are thunderstorms there today. I did my 'angel' routine - the two young girls seated next to me both were horribly airsick. The younger one pretty much slept the entire way - though she did start throwing up as soon as we landed. Her older sister (sitting next to me) was sick the entire trip - and so I held her head, offered cold towels, sips of ginger ale and 7-up, comfort, distraction - anything I could think of. And when she was throwing up, I held her long hair out of the way and gave her a cold towel to wipe her face with. She was so sweet and such a nice young lady - 13 years old and beautiful - and a great conversationalist. Her parents were refugees from Bosnia who went to Denmark, where she was born. They moved to Dallas where her younger sister was born. They were on their way to Hawaii for vacation - so she was most definitely not looking forward to another 5 hour flight. I suggest Dramamine to the mom as we left the plane - she was sweet and grateful for my help and thanked me a zillion times, as did the flight attendants. Funny how I can't handle it with my kids - but with two strangers, it was do-able.
Glad to be home and anticipating a busy week at work, as always.
K, I'm checking your blog shortly and sure hope you're writing!
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Beds
We have been planning to redo B's room this summer. He's been in a 'loft' bed - with a dresser on one end and a bookcase on the other and a desk underneath. We bought the loft beds the summer before we bought the house - and then left them in storage until we moved in here. Didn't see any reason to set them up in the condo only to move them a couple months later so once we were sure we were moving, we just brought the beds out to our Tracy storage unit and left them there. They were perfect for the kids when they were 9 & 7 - and they loved them. But they're now 16 1/2 and 14 and the loft has lost it's charm. H. converted to a 'captain's bed' from IKEA last summer - but he's too big for that, apparently. The sides of the wood frame 'give' just enough so the slats that support the mattress fall out every night. It's a PITA.
So J. and I spent yesterday shopping for beds and today, two full size mattresses, box springs and bed frames were delivered from Sleep Train. J. spent yesterday taking down the loft bed and taking apart H's bed in preparation for delivery. That led to cleaning and culling and sorting clothes, etc. The rooms look 'nice' and far more grownup. While we were in their rooms perusing the 'change', I said 'this will be so much fun when they are gone - we can have an exercise room, a yoga room, a music room, etc.'. Not that I'm ready for them to go - but all that space will be 'fun' to fill up someday. We will probably just leave them as is - like my mom did - so they'll always have a room to come home to.
We also got an estimate for a 'massive' cleaning - including windows inside and out AND screens off and washed. Can't WAIT. They come on Monday, the 23rd, and will be here the entire day. After that, we will have the same company come every other week - which will be completely heavenly. This company came highly recommended - and it turns out, we know the owner from church. The name didn't really 'ring a bell' with me - but when he was at our front door, it was one of the greeters at church every Sunday. Very, very nice man and his pricing was incredibly reasonable. We are so excited about having a 'cleaning service' - it's a splurge but do-able and it will let us spend our time on culling and organizing and other stuff vs. chasing after cleaning one room at a time. They will come every other week and will do things on rotation. But the entire kit and caboodle will be cleaned from top to bottom so we start off 'done'. It will feel great to have that done - and the windows have been on my list for a long time - I can't wait for that to be done. They'll look terrific!, I'm sure.
B. is now referencing that he wants to go to a 4 year university - so I'm panicking about where we'll find the $$ for that. I thought we were agreed he would go to a Community College for a year or two - a huge savings. But he wants to get the heck out of dodge as soon as possible, it seems. I hope we can figure this out. I'm so worried about how we'll pay for it and hate having him go into debt to go. And then I remind myself that going into debt is exactly what I did - student loans got me through. And if he needs to work and/or borrow to help with expenses, that's what he'll do. If he wants it badly enough, he'll be motivated to work hard for it. I was - and so was J. And we will hopefully be able to help him far more than my mom helped me. And even more than J's parents helped him - which was quite a bit, considering their financial situation. It will all work out, I know - and we have two more years for all of us to keep saving and build up as much as we can towards his tuition and dorm fees, etc. A lot can happen in two years. YIKES! Two years from now, we will in all likelihood be shopping for his dorm room! Tempest fuget....
That's it for now. Have packing to do and lists for J. and the kids to keep the culling and straightening up moving forward in my absence. They will enjoy 3 days of a 'mom-free' zone....body noises will abound, I'm sure. It'll be a guys world!
So J. and I spent yesterday shopping for beds and today, two full size mattresses, box springs and bed frames were delivered from Sleep Train. J. spent yesterday taking down the loft bed and taking apart H's bed in preparation for delivery. That led to cleaning and culling and sorting clothes, etc. The rooms look 'nice' and far more grownup. While we were in their rooms perusing the 'change', I said 'this will be so much fun when they are gone - we can have an exercise room, a yoga room, a music room, etc.'. Not that I'm ready for them to go - but all that space will be 'fun' to fill up someday. We will probably just leave them as is - like my mom did - so they'll always have a room to come home to.
We also got an estimate for a 'massive' cleaning - including windows inside and out AND screens off and washed. Can't WAIT. They come on Monday, the 23rd, and will be here the entire day. After that, we will have the same company come every other week - which will be completely heavenly. This company came highly recommended - and it turns out, we know the owner from church. The name didn't really 'ring a bell' with me - but when he was at our front door, it was one of the greeters at church every Sunday. Very, very nice man and his pricing was incredibly reasonable. We are so excited about having a 'cleaning service' - it's a splurge but do-able and it will let us spend our time on culling and organizing and other stuff vs. chasing after cleaning one room at a time. They will come every other week and will do things on rotation. But the entire kit and caboodle will be cleaned from top to bottom so we start off 'done'. It will feel great to have that done - and the windows have been on my list for a long time - I can't wait for that to be done. They'll look terrific!, I'm sure.
B. is now referencing that he wants to go to a 4 year university - so I'm panicking about where we'll find the $$ for that. I thought we were agreed he would go to a Community College for a year or two - a huge savings. But he wants to get the heck out of dodge as soon as possible, it seems. I hope we can figure this out. I'm so worried about how we'll pay for it and hate having him go into debt to go. And then I remind myself that going into debt is exactly what I did - student loans got me through. And if he needs to work and/or borrow to help with expenses, that's what he'll do. If he wants it badly enough, he'll be motivated to work hard for it. I was - and so was J. And we will hopefully be able to help him far more than my mom helped me. And even more than J's parents helped him - which was quite a bit, considering their financial situation. It will all work out, I know - and we have two more years for all of us to keep saving and build up as much as we can towards his tuition and dorm fees, etc. A lot can happen in two years. YIKES! Two years from now, we will in all likelihood be shopping for his dorm room! Tempest fuget....
That's it for now. Have packing to do and lists for J. and the kids to keep the culling and straightening up moving forward in my absence. They will enjoy 3 days of a 'mom-free' zone....body noises will abound, I'm sure. It'll be a guys world!
Monday, July 02, 2007
Travel
I am heading to Arizona on Friday by myself. A rare and wonderful event, for sure, since traveling as a singleton is certainly easier than traveling as a family of four. And I will be spending the weekend with my zany, fun, lovely sister K. who I can't wait to see and party with and visit with. It's going to be a great time - time with her always is.
However, I am freaking out - because that's what I do before I put myself on a plane and fly anywhere. There are so many things I should write down for J. so that in the 'unlikely event we experience a sudden decrease in cabin pressure', etc., and I don't return in one piece, he'll know what to do. I know he'd manage fine - but there are a lot of 'things' that I worry he'll forget. Like:
The pets need water. Not just food. Water. Everyday. Without fail.
Turn off the light in your closet. Double check 'cuz you seem to be leaving it on frequently.
The various passwords I've set up for online bill pay; online access to all of our accounts. I have a document that shows them all but then THAT document is password protected as well - so where do I put that password? In yet another document with still another password? (You see how I can make myself crazy with this stuff?)
And don't even get me started on the kids. I mean, if anything were to (God forbid) happen to me, there would be three males unattended in this house. I can't even think about it. I know they would be fine. They would. But would they bathe? Buy food? Ever mop the kitchen floor? The list is endless. And then add to that all the 'life' things I want to impart before I leave their lives.
I know - it's ridiculous. You can only imagine what I went through last summer when we went to Hawaii for 10 days - all of us. I had to be absolutely sure that clear instructions were left for whomever arrived at our house post-tragedy. That and ensuring the baseboards were cleaned.
It's crazy, I know. I will in all likelihood have a wonderful trip and arrive home safely as scheduled. And I know that when your time is up, it's up. I could just as easily slip on something left in my garage and whack my head on the cement and be gone - and I CERTAINLY don't think about that everyday.
It's just something about getting on a plane, I guess. And leaving the 3 most important people in my entire life. And I know they will be OK for the weekend and would be for longer, if that's Gods plan - they are all smart, resilient, kind and loving and they would make it through without me no problem. Kind of like William and Harry only without all the pomp and circumstance. But still....
God, keep me and those I love safe. Thank you and amen.
However, I am freaking out - because that's what I do before I put myself on a plane and fly anywhere. There are so many things I should write down for J. so that in the 'unlikely event we experience a sudden decrease in cabin pressure', etc., and I don't return in one piece, he'll know what to do. I know he'd manage fine - but there are a lot of 'things' that I worry he'll forget. Like:
The pets need water. Not just food. Water. Everyday. Without fail.
Turn off the light in your closet. Double check 'cuz you seem to be leaving it on frequently.
The various passwords I've set up for online bill pay; online access to all of our accounts. I have a document that shows them all but then THAT document is password protected as well - so where do I put that password? In yet another document with still another password? (You see how I can make myself crazy with this stuff?)
And don't even get me started on the kids. I mean, if anything were to (God forbid) happen to me, there would be three males unattended in this house. I can't even think about it. I know they would be fine. They would. But would they bathe? Buy food? Ever mop the kitchen floor? The list is endless. And then add to that all the 'life' things I want to impart before I leave their lives.
I know - it's ridiculous. You can only imagine what I went through last summer when we went to Hawaii for 10 days - all of us. I had to be absolutely sure that clear instructions were left for whomever arrived at our house post-tragedy. That and ensuring the baseboards were cleaned.
It's crazy, I know. I will in all likelihood have a wonderful trip and arrive home safely as scheduled. And I know that when your time is up, it's up. I could just as easily slip on something left in my garage and whack my head on the cement and be gone - and I CERTAINLY don't think about that everyday.
It's just something about getting on a plane, I guess. And leaving the 3 most important people in my entire life. And I know they will be OK for the weekend and would be for longer, if that's Gods plan - they are all smart, resilient, kind and loving and they would make it through without me no problem. Kind of like William and Harry only without all the pomp and circumstance. But still....
God, keep me and those I love safe. Thank you and amen.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Talking
Will talk to the blogosphere since there's no one here. J. took the boys to see the new Die Hard movie - something the three of them will love every minute of and me, not so much. So I opted to stay home and have mopped the kitchen floor, shredded a bunch of stuff in my shred basket and am now watching Law and Order CI. There's ALWAYS an L&O episode on somewhere. Yesterday, J. took the kids to Hayward to see their visiting cousin and the quiet of the house was too 'heavy' for me. So I cruised the cable channels and found great movies to keep me company. American President, Fun with Dick and Jane and Apollo 13. Three movies I love and that passed the time and helped me feel less 'lonely'. Which I'm not. But I felt it just the same.
Today, I watched the Concert for Diana live on VH1 on the internet and marveled at how technology is enhancing our lives. It was great - and while it was obvious that certain things were edited (likely for the TV special broadcast this evening), it was still a great show. I remember the day she died like it was yesterday. The news announcer was 'stalling' - and said at one point that there were reports that she was up and about...and then, within minutes, the real announcement that she had died. I sat on the couch in our condo in Hayward, put my head in my hands and cried. I felt so sad for her sons. As is evident, they have turned out wonderfully and their dad - who I always felt was a cad of major proportion and whom I've never forgiven for not loving her as she deserved to be loved - has done a great job raising them. They are wonderful young men and she is very proud of them, I'm sure.
J. and I got up on Monday morning and walked 1.5 miles. By the end of the walk, the 'twinges' in my lower back were hammers and by Tuesday, I was pretty miserable. Made it through Tuesday and the long Board meeting that evening. But by Wednesday, I was done. I spent the latter part of the week suffering from my 'back' flaring up. Worked 1/2 days W-Fri - but Friday was really a full day 'off' since I'd already planned to be off 1/2 day in the afternoon. I ended up not going in at all. Missed a CBO class which is a very bad thing - now I'll have to go to either Alameda or Santa Cruz to make it up. But that's what I'll do. I am avoiding pulling weeds at all costs. No bending, stooping, prolonged sitting, etc. I'm doing a lot better but it is still 'sore' and I feel it when I move. So carefully, I will go. Hopefully, we'll be able to start walking every morning again tomorrow.
This week, I'm only in the office for two days. Then the holiday. Then a day off. Then heading to Phoenix to visit my older sister and 'celebrate' her recent 'dissolution'. I know it will be 'fun' but I know there's a lot of sadness there for her, as well. We will make the best of it and enjoy a fun visit that will go by too quickly. But, it will give us a reason to schedule another one SOON.
Bug, I owe you a call. Sorry I missed the call on Friday evening. I thought I heard my cell phone buzzing but I didn't realize until this morning on the way to church that I had missed a call. I'll try to call you this week sometime.
Today, I watched the Concert for Diana live on VH1 on the internet and marveled at how technology is enhancing our lives. It was great - and while it was obvious that certain things were edited (likely for the TV special broadcast this evening), it was still a great show. I remember the day she died like it was yesterday. The news announcer was 'stalling' - and said at one point that there were reports that she was up and about...and then, within minutes, the real announcement that she had died. I sat on the couch in our condo in Hayward, put my head in my hands and cried. I felt so sad for her sons. As is evident, they have turned out wonderfully and their dad - who I always felt was a cad of major proportion and whom I've never forgiven for not loving her as she deserved to be loved - has done a great job raising them. They are wonderful young men and she is very proud of them, I'm sure.
J. and I got up on Monday morning and walked 1.5 miles. By the end of the walk, the 'twinges' in my lower back were hammers and by Tuesday, I was pretty miserable. Made it through Tuesday and the long Board meeting that evening. But by Wednesday, I was done. I spent the latter part of the week suffering from my 'back' flaring up. Worked 1/2 days W-Fri - but Friday was really a full day 'off' since I'd already planned to be off 1/2 day in the afternoon. I ended up not going in at all. Missed a CBO class which is a very bad thing - now I'll have to go to either Alameda or Santa Cruz to make it up. But that's what I'll do. I am avoiding pulling weeds at all costs. No bending, stooping, prolonged sitting, etc. I'm doing a lot better but it is still 'sore' and I feel it when I move. So carefully, I will go. Hopefully, we'll be able to start walking every morning again tomorrow.
This week, I'm only in the office for two days. Then the holiday. Then a day off. Then heading to Phoenix to visit my older sister and 'celebrate' her recent 'dissolution'. I know it will be 'fun' but I know there's a lot of sadness there for her, as well. We will make the best of it and enjoy a fun visit that will go by too quickly. But, it will give us a reason to schedule another one SOON.
Bug, I owe you a call. Sorry I missed the call on Friday evening. I thought I heard my cell phone buzzing but I didn't realize until this morning on the way to church that I had missed a call. I'll try to call you this week sometime.
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