Steady Dripping

Bright sun again today and I sit in the office listening to the sound of water dripping constantly.  It's disconcerting a bit since the sound of water dripping in a house is something to possibly be concerned about?  But it's just the sound of a lot of snow on the roof melting and the gutters doing their job of guiding it away from our house.  

When we were building the house, the builder's assistant said 'I don't have gutters on my house - many people don't.  You don't really need them'.  This was sort of in response to why the builder didn't do gutters as part of the build.  But it turns out you really should get gutters 'cuz during times like this upcoming week when lots of snow will be melting off your roof, you'd be deluged with dripping water off your house for days.  Our builder didn't do gutters anymore 'cuz the gutter makers in the city were always so booked, it would delay the closing of the house sale.  So he stopped including them.  

I'm glad we got them - especially listening to the non-stop melting over my head.  

I made homemade hummus a few days ago and it's incredibly delicious.  It was also incredibly easy and I don't think we will ever buy pre-made again.  Got the food processor out and had it done in minutes.  I've had it for lunch with tortilla chips the past few days and it's yummy. 

I've got the lower oven on self clean and it should be finishing up in a few minutes.  It will take awhile for the oven to cool down enough to finish - we have to figure out how to get the lower racks out of both ovens - they are not the easy 'slide in along the sides' - they have what looks like a hinge and it's two racks joined together, sort of.  Time to read the manual.  

I'd love to play slots somewhere today - could definitely use a bit of mindlessness - but we have plans to be at Atlantis next Sunday for Super Bowl and again for two nights mid-week (Valentine's Day event) the week after so....I should really save my play money for those days vs. now.  Plenty to do on the homestead.

I got dressed this morning in a long sleeve flannel shirt - winter attire - and returned to the office where Nala was being a cat-a-log in the front window.  The intense heat coming through the window drove me to go change into a short sleeve t-shirt.  I have the flannel shirt handy if/when it gets chilly....but it's nicely warm in here and I actually have the fan on for a bit.  

I sent an email to my friend C. yesterday - wanting to talk to her but not wanting to intrude on her weekend.  I'm mindful that weekends are for recouping for her as she faces down another work week.  As always, she wrote me back, said she was happy for the email and to remember I can always call her anytime.  She's got a Senior in high school, too - her amazing son O. - so I just try to be careful about interrupting a weekend.  She gave me some good advice on the H. issues.  I needed some reminders. 

I see things on Facebook all the time about 'supposed causes of addiction'...how they trace back to childhood; how mothers are so important in helping kids avoid anxiety.  All sorts of 'stuff'.  I think 'H. lies to us 'cuz he doesn't want my reaction to be bad'.  And I beat myself up for the times I lost my shit with him as a kid.  But then I remind myself 'but he lies to EVERYBODY.  Really,  EVERYBODY.  So that theory doesn't hold water.  It's not a reaction he's avoiding - it's just reality.  Turns out a lot of the rent money we've been loaning him during his 14 months in Texas has likely gone for drugs.  This was uncovered when B. communicated with H.'s friend and he shared that he hadn't been paid rent in months - while our bank account shows entries of loaning H. money for rent.  So.....there's all that. 

I don't think I can have a relationship with H. anymore.  I reflect back on all these months of showing him support, kindness, patience, love.  Reassuring him when he needed it, believing the lies he was crafting - even when I started to be pretty sure there was some spiraling out of control going on....I still tried to be there for him.  Now it's back to just feeling used and taken advantage of....and feeling angry off and on while also feeling scared for him.  

Mostly scared for him. 

I'm tired.  Deep in my bones tired.  It's been exhausting coming to grips with all this crap again.  

I'm sorry I'm whining. 

Clearing the Driveway

Today dawned clear as a bell - bright blue skies, lots of sun.  So much snow still on the ground it will take weeks to melt.  

I ventured outside a bit with J. and did a pass of shoveling snow off the driveway.  Our goal was to clear two tire paths so we could get the Rav4 out of the driveway if needed.   There's still a lot of snow on the driveway but he did get the car out and trekked to Roberto's for Mexican food for dinner tonight.  We'll do more shoveling tomorrow.  

Our neighbors had their kids out every morning shoveling the entire driveway - then never left the house.  Makes me concerned that there's something we don't know about getting snow off the driveway - so we're going to work on it more tomorrow.  Water isn't great for concrete so...we should try.  It would be good to have it clear.  But there's possibly more snow tomorrow night so we'll wait until Monday. We also need to shovel snow off the patio - we can't tell there is a patio because where the patio ends and the 'yard' begins is covered in about 2.5 feet of snow currently. 

I'm using the self cleaning feature on the lower oven - 5 hours of intense heat.  The kitchen is so toasty warm!  Will do the upper oven tomorrow.  Fingers crossed I'm amazed in the morning when it will be cooled off enough to see how clean it got.  

We have heard from H. .  He was able to get an appointment with a counselor and was (at that time) Day 3 of detoxing.  He got some anxiety medication and spent two days at a 'detox house' - a place where those going through detox can safely be with someone who knows what they are/will be experiencing.  He is 'home' now - staying with a friend - and is over the worst of it.  He will be at work Monday.  He has weekly counseling appointments set up and also found an NA chapter with regular meetings closer to where he is than the meetings he tried to attend when he could.  He sounds awful - broken, tired.  But he's alive and making it through.  

Hard to find the balance because truly, day to day updates is not our intent.  I have moments of intense anxiety about him - but I'm trying to just breathe through those moments and let it go.  No way to know how all of this will turn out - but given the history, we have some previous experience with how it's turned out and it's not all that hopeful.  I hope his weekly counseling sessions help.  

He can make enough money to pay rent, food, car insurance and gasoline.  Not much else.  

All the 'other jobs' he's been telling us about - the Amazon phone call 'coming any minute' - I debunked those when we spoke earlier this week - when he found out we knew he was using again.  I told him flat out 'you're lying, H.'  He sighed.  

I've decided it's not important right now to debunk all the crap (yet again).  Just be in touch to let him know we care about him and skip all the details.  But then I think back to the times we've been through this before and how easy it is for him to just deny all the details.  That gets my ire up a bit - and feeling a bit of ire helps make it all a bit easier.  

I don't know how to just completely let him go.  Do I have to?  I want to, somewhat.  I want the day to day drama and lies to just stop.  But I know they won't.  Since I know that about him, guess I just keep working on creating a psychological distance that helps me navigate.

No parent on the planet wants to let their child go down the rabbit hole of addiction - even parents who've been down this road so many fucking times with a child.  

I feel glad we are in our new house with plenty to keep us busy.  The day flies by and here it is approaching 6PM - it's nice to know bedtime is approaching in a few hours 'cuz I feel tired.  

When You Look Forward to Snow Days

 We're on the cusp of a huge weather system moving in.  Blizzard and white out conditions.  "The worst storm we've had since 2004", a woman I played slots next to this morning said.  She was taking a day to get out of the house knowing we wouldn't be likely to want to be out of the house for the rest of this week.  

Yesterday, I accompanied J. to Reno - he was getting a cortisone shot in his hip - and his appointment was just around the corner from El Dorado.  I have $80 in free play there twice a week - we don't go often but since J. had to go anyway, I went with and he dropped me off.  

We've had snow two mornings in a row so far - and our drive to Reno was pretty scary.  We saw at least three spin outs including a FedEx truck facing North in the South bound lanes - with a NHP sitting there with him.  The roads were wet and icy and going over the huge bridge between here and Reno is never, ever fun - but it was pretty white knuckle.  I was incredibly anxious for the drive for no particular reason.  J. is a good and careful driver and we were in my car with AWD so we were OK.  But wow, it felt scary.  

I sat down at the slot machine and took some deep breaths to calm myself.  I realized that it was highly likely I was way over sensitive during the trip 'cuz shit has been hitting the fan this week about H. and I felt vulnerable and raw.

The song "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain came on - and the line 'I'll be the biggest fan of your life' started the tears pooling in my eyes.  We have been H.'s biggest fans and isn't that what parents should be for their kids?  Their biggest fan?.  Next was "One Call Away" by Charlie Puth - "I'm only one call away, I'll be there to save the day.  Superman's got nothing on me.  I'm only one call away".  Yep, we've been only one call away for a long time.  And we've done everything we can to save the day when it comes to him.  And then 'Everybody Plays the Fool'....and the tears dried up.  Yep, we've been fools.  And now we're broken hearted, exhausted fools. 

Things haven't felt right with him in a long time and things sort of catapulted to disaster in the past week or so.  Starting with realizing that B. had sent H. money - a nice thing for B. to do - but my immediate reaction was 'why did H. need the money'?  I knew.  The last time he reached out to a family member for money was a similar huge clue.  

He's been kicked out of the friends house where he was staying - he hasn't told us that yet, but we know he has.  He's back to using heroin and I/we are devastated to realize that the funding we've provided to help him with transitioning to his 'fresh start' in Texas has mostly (likely) gone to his addiction.  

I guess the only 'good' thing to come out of all this stuff happening yet again is that I feel way more 'calm' about all of it.  I fretted a bit about 'what should we do?'....and then I had a huge 'lightening' when I said out loud to myself in the shower one morning 'nothing.  We don't have to do a damn thing. '.  

I wish I had experienced the steadfast realization of that a year or so ago.  All the things we've done to try to help him have been for nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  

We have a toll free number for Federal programs for mental health and drug addiction we will give him and we hope he will use them.  We will keep paying for his monthly phone bill (it's $30 a month or so - he's been on our family plan for more than a decade) but any other financing has dried up.  (And we may end up cancelling the phone - but I just can't bring myself to do that yet.  Not quite yet).  

I feel bad for B. who has experienced first hand what it's like to be on the receiving end of a phone call from H. while he's crying.  B.'s brotherly care and concern had him offering to help and he sent H. a generous amount of money to help with things H. said were piling up - car repair, food, gas for his car, etc. .  But now B. knows that it's highly likely that was just BS - we had turned off the tap pretty much a week or so ago and so H. had to find someone else.  B. is completely pissed off, now - and so 'done' as he says.  

I feel done, too.  I really do.  And I think J. does as well.  It's hard to just say 'you're on your own, now, H. - for reals' - but it's what we need to do.  J. and I are both thinking through the inevitable conversation that will happen where H. will know we know - and we've been rehearsing answers to the things I expect will be said.  He'll say 'you're giving up on me'.  Um, no.  We're not.  You've done a pretty good job of giving up on you - we're just going to step off the H. roller coaster and let you ride it alone.  We hope and pray you will navigate and find your way.  Maybe you will.  Maybe you won't.  We could spend eternity mapping through all the possible outcomes and it would be a waste of effort and time 'cuz who knows?  The only person who controls what happens from here on out is H. .  And that will be something we will all just have to hope and pray about - 

There are no easy answers about any of this.  It is just as tragic this time as it has been all the other times....two inpatient rehabs followed by outpatient rehab....never made a difference.  In truth, H. stopped being sober about two months after the last rehab round (Summer, 2018) when he got kicked out of the Sober Living house placement he had post rehab.  He rationalized weed was no big deal.  Then alcohol was no big deal.  He used heroin again Summer, 2019.  And even (we found out) was using heroin when he moved to Texas in November, 2019.  Shit. What a revelation.  

It's the hardest thing in the world to have an addict in the family.  I've read all the books and God knows we've done everything we can for him - but we're done.  No more psychic energy trying to keep up with the stories.  No more scratching my head trying to figure out what in the heck is happening with him at any given moment.  I think declaring that to myself - taking back all that energy and time - is what brings the sense of peace I feel.  Not like worrying ever is technically worth it - but we have worried constantly. 

If loving, caring, trusting, generous parents were enough, he'd be sober.  He's going to have to navigate alone.  

I did my free-play at Atlantis today - knowing if I didn't make the drive today, there was no way I would be driving there on Wednesday or Thursday to use the free play.  I had a really fun time, came home up a smidge, spent time with friends (including a couple I hadn't seen in a long time) and played on my wins for a few hours.  Brought home food from their new restaurant Red Bloom.  Ramen dishes which are so amazingly delicious! 

I'm looking forward to a few days of not going anywhere.  I've got a Kindle loaded with books, jigsaw puzzles around, lots to watch on TV.  And a big house to take care of!

Pandemic Vet Visit

We chose the 'Best of the City' vet for the cats which is also (luckily) very close to home.  We got both cats in their separate carriers with minimal fuss.  They didn't even cry initially - got them in the back seat and belted them in.  They cried as soon as they knew we were in a moving vehicle.  

We called upon arrival to let them know we were in the parking lot and shortly after, a vet tech came out to get them. The vet called after she had checked them out - they are both a smidge overweight - and shockingly, Nala is more overweight than Muf.  The vet said that Muf was totally fine - walking around the exam room exploring - while Nala did what Nala always does - she headed straight for a cupboard to wait it out.  

I had mentioned that Nala licks herself constantly and also mentioned she always rolls onto her back and moves around.  I said I thought it was anxiety related?  The vet didn't disagree that Nala is showing signs of anxiety but the licking could be related to itching - cats don't really scratch themselves.  

We are going to use a flea treatment for the next couple months just in case and we're also changing their food for a few months as well to see if a change in food might help any possible itching.  

They got the shots they need and they brought them out - we headed home.  As soon as we got them inside, J. opened the carriers and they got out - and were immediately back to normal.  You could almost see and feel their relief - we are HOME and they did not leave us for days on end and we only had to do a quick there and back car ride.  Whew!  We're going to take a nap!

They have slept most of the day - 

I have to say it was way less stressful to just hand them over and let the vet exam happen without us being there.  J. and I sat in the car and listened to Beethoven's 7th symphony and enjoyed just hanging out.  

Last week, I declared Monday would be 'cleaning day'...but I just didn't have it in me today.  Got a 2nd round of antibiotics (4th round of meds in two months) and hoping this one will really, truly get rid of the bacteria lurking in my urinary tract.  I feel 'meh' mostly and am pretty sure it's a simmering infection so I'm anxious to eradicate it from my body.  Really.  Two months of this discomfort and 'stuff' is hard to handle and really affects my sleep drastically.  Fingers crossed.

Silly Nala

Yesterday morning, J. and I were tidying the kitchen before heading to Reno for a good chunk of the day.  

Very soon into our cleaning, we noticed we were under surveillance. 

She had been sleeping peacefully but made it known we had interrupted her nap.  

She's the funniest cat and spends a lot of her day looking at the world upside down.  We didn't know she was going up there - it's the cabinet above the refrigerator and it's pretty darn high.  Luckily, the microwave is on the counter so that helps her make the leap. 

Tomorrow, we take both cats to the vet for their annual check up and shots.  Once that's done, we'll make an appointment at a cattery in Verdi (just outside Reno on the way back to California) for grooming and hopefully get the plastic 'claw covers' put on both of them.  We'll try anything to save our furniture and rugs.

Sedition

Day before yesterday was an historic day but for some really God-awful reasons.  

Our off the rails President incited protesters who scaled the walls and gained access to our Capitol building.  (That is a brief sentence that truly doesn't convey the extent of what happened.  It was chaos.)  I write that sentence and still can't wrap my head around any of it.  His constant completely baseless assertions that the election was 'stolen' from him - that he actually won but somehow the votes were 'lost' or 'mishandled' - he appears to believe that if he keeps saying it, it will be so.  And then the additional SADDEST part of that is: there are actually people in our country who BELIEVE HIM SO MUCH that they stormed the Capitol to protest. 

Five people died as a result of the days events.  Five people - including a Capitol Policeman who was hit in the head with a fire extinguisher.  He returned to his station, collapsed and died.  One of the deceased was a protestor who tasered himself in the balls and had a heart attack.  Darwin is smiling at you, you moron. 

We are 12 days away from the Inauguration which thankfully, our President has agreed not to attend. First time in 150 years the outgoing President hasn't attended. 

There will be a second impeachment proceeding initiated against him on Monday and this time (he's already been impeached in December, 2019, but was not convicted by the Republican controlled Senate so he stayed in office) there's a lot of movement towards making it official.  If he is impeached a second time, he will be the first President in history to have that 'distinction'.  

His gutless VP won't invoke the 25th Amendment to get him.  But there's plenty of Republicans who agree that Wednesday's events were too much.  A PRESIDENT inciting violence.  Geez.  It's incredible.  

Four years of this asshole's 'leadership' - he is incapable of any true leadership because he's a malignant narcissist.  Always has been, always will be.  You can't lead effectively when your ego is front and center and in his case, he's got so many mental health issues that impact his personality/actions, it's pointless.  

Oh! and before this week's fiasco, he was recorded calling the Georgia Secretary of State asking him to 'find' 11,780 votes.  President asked the SoS to 'recalculate' the number of votes.  Which is a crime.  

While COVID continues to ravage our country.  My Aunt died on January 6th from complications of COVID and while her age and other health issues contributed to her body's inability to fight off the virus, it was still a COVID death in our family - which hits hard when it's obvious that the failed leadership of our country through a(nother) historic event (global pandemics do not happen often, thank goodness) has made the number of cases and the death toll continue to rise day after day.  

It's been a long, hard week.  I'm really, truly hoping that the House & Senate will convict him this time so his sorry ass can be booted out - it's a damn shame it's taken to the very end of his term to boot him out but it's a psychological 'lift' to think it could happen.  It needs to.  Bring the House and Senate together to put party affiliation aside and do what's right for our country.  Better late than never.  

Rustling Up Some Capital

Since we moved into the house, we've been planning to make an IRA withdrawal to back fill all the savings we used - we put a sizeable down payment on this house necessitated by the jumbo mortgage market crashing - caused by the Covid crisis.  Timing was awful - we could have tried to shop around but we were within weeks of needing the loan so we increased what we would fund on our own to ensure there would be no issue.  

Landscaping took another huge chunk.  

Our savings balance was at an all time low and that makes me nervous.  I'm the person who pays the bills and when our savings gets so low that anything unexpected becomes an issue, I feel antsy.  

J. crafted an email to our financial advisor yesterday - I would have probably added more detail, reassured him we didn't plan on making lump sum withdrawals often - but J. said 'it's our money, honey.  He's not going to blink about our request and it will be OK'.  

It is/was.  Our advisor replied back within 20 minutes and said they will get on it Monday morning and confirm back when the funds will be in our checking account.  

And just like that, we're (more than) flush again - whew!  

It's an eye opening thing to 'do the math' and realize how much more we have to take out to net what we need.  The joy and the pain of pre-tax savings.  

Grateful and very blessed - sorry if that sounded like I'm complaining.  

With HUGE jackpots all over the casino and having turned a free play Saturday into a Major jackpot on Dragonlink [thus coming home up], I returned to Reno again today and played for a bit.  Not as many consistent 'hits' as yesterday but I did bounce from machine to machine and had a pretty great bonus round that helped me recover a bit.  And on another spin in the same bonus round, the Major did drop - but didn't have enough 'orbs' to trigger the win.  Oh well. I have free play again this week and again next Saturday so I'm looking forward to playing and trying for a Grand or Mega jackpot - winning one of those in my lifetime is a bucket list.  

Christmas tree is in the garage again - we need to do some reshuffling of boxes on the overhead shelves.  And there's still some boxes I want to go through just to know what's out there.  I found an estate firm that might be able to help me auction off the Cow Parade figurines we have - I'm not going to put them in the house and I'm not a big fan of using an online selling site...though I might try.  

J. fired up the Roomba today once he'd moved the tree into the garage.  Roomba is really amazing - it ran out of power so it returned itself to it's station, recharged, undocked itself and proceeded to clean right where it left off!  We love it!  

There's a big storm coming in tonight so it's possible tomorrow will be rain and snow.  It will be a great day to hunker down and work around the house. 

Happy New Year!

 J. and I spent a lovely night at Atlantis - though it wasn't as awesome as last year.  It was crowded and with no casino 'events' to have people off the casino floor for chunks of the night, it got a lot more crowded as the evening passed.  We had fun sitting at Dragonlinks playing the night away - no big wins but it was fun.  

Around 6PM, I heard a 'boss' tell waitresses (there's a bar right next to Dragonlink) that they should no longer bring any beverages to guests in glass bottles.  Pour the drink into plastic glasses (all they use now since the Pandemic) and toss the bottles in the trash near the bar.  I hadn't really thought about any chance of any 'ruckus' where glass bottles could be a problem - but I appreciated they were thinking of any risks and mitigating them.  Later in the evening, we witnessed a guy getting very upset about a waitress who was refusing to serve him a drink - the 'law' (because of pandemic again) is no 'walk up bar service' - so at Atlantis, if you want a drink, you have to be at a machine and have the waitress bring you a drink.  He was upset, not wearing a mask, getting hostile and belligerent with the waitress, other guests and staff who came to her aide.  It was quickly resolved with security being called to get him off the property.  (They likely called the police and had him arrested for drunk and disorderly but...we didn't see that part so I'm not sure what happened after they got him away from the waitress and the bar). 

We rang in the New Year with shots of tequila at midnight.  There's video evidence - we sent it to the kids to show our merriment - no, I'm not posting it here.  The 'kids' got a kick out of it - their parents can party.  Who knew?  

We both slept pretty well, got up around 9 and went downstairs for coffee and a bite to eat.  I was super 'happy' to see all the big jackpots that existed the night before were still there - silly, I know, but I had so thought that maybe New Year's luck would have us winning something HUGE.  We didn't.  But it was fun.  

We were home a bit after 11 and I tried to welcome the new year by cleaning the kitchen.  LOL.  

All Christmas decorations except the Christmas tree were taken down and put away before we left for Reno on Thursday.  I had thought we'd spend today tidying up the garage but it turned out J. had already done that before he joined me at Atlantis.  (We took two cars in case I wanted to stay and play a bit this morning - but I was [more than] ready to be home).  Now we have two cars in the garage again and ALWAYS WILL, I think! 

The massive amount of stuff that has left the house this year is documented on fifteen 8 1/2 x 11 inch notebook pages.  That is a LOT of stuff.  

Christmas tree will be down and put away tomorrow.  

Both of the boys received their stimulus payment already and both are super stoked about it!  H. has gone to two hiring events for Amazon warehouses in the Cypress area and we sure hope he gets hired.  The maintenance company he's working for announced they are entering their 'slow period' - so he knows he wont' get many hours.  Positive vibes/prayers/mojo much appreciated because he has to find work.  In his lows (really super proud of him because he's learning to regroup around the emotions and formulate a plan - taking action instead of reaching for a chemical - good coping skills to have), he wants to 'come home'.  And I/we gently say 'No.  That's not the answer.  You wanted to move to Texas because you wanted a fresh start - and you can make a go of it there.  You have.  Coming 'home' isn't really your best option'.  

We love him....and miss him.  But we don't want adult kids to live with us.  Visiting often and for however long they want is fine - but not living here. 

2021 is full of possibilities.  We are anxious to be vaccinated against COVID-19 so that we may feel more comfortable traveling in June and enjoy our planned Alaska cruise.  We are so happy to be in our beautiful home - winding down projects (picture hanging still not quite finished but we're so close!) - Spring will be planting some flower pots we're going to put along the edge of the driveway, planting some annuals around the backyard and enjoying being outside.  We may get a shed (still debating if we should but to keep the garage as clear as possible, some outdoor storage for garden 'stuff' would be good).

It is good to be home.  This home.  The long awaited, long planned house that we designed and watched being built - it's been a whirlwind of a couple years and we're really looking forward to the feeling of 'we're home' continuing to grow everyday.  

Blessings to you and yours - here's to 2021!