Clearing the Driveway

Today dawned clear as a bell - bright blue skies, lots of sun.  So much snow still on the ground it will take weeks to melt.  

I ventured outside a bit with J. and did a pass of shoveling snow off the driveway.  Our goal was to clear two tire paths so we could get the Rav4 out of the driveway if needed.   There's still a lot of snow on the driveway but he did get the car out and trekked to Roberto's for Mexican food for dinner tonight.  We'll do more shoveling tomorrow.  

Our neighbors had their kids out every morning shoveling the entire driveway - then never left the house.  Makes me concerned that there's something we don't know about getting snow off the driveway - so we're going to work on it more tomorrow.  Water isn't great for concrete so...we should try.  It would be good to have it clear.  But there's possibly more snow tomorrow night so we'll wait until Monday. We also need to shovel snow off the patio - we can't tell there is a patio because where the patio ends and the 'yard' begins is covered in about 2.5 feet of snow currently. 

I'm using the self cleaning feature on the lower oven - 5 hours of intense heat.  The kitchen is so toasty warm!  Will do the upper oven tomorrow.  Fingers crossed I'm amazed in the morning when it will be cooled off enough to see how clean it got.  

We have heard from H. .  He was able to get an appointment with a counselor and was (at that time) Day 3 of detoxing.  He got some anxiety medication and spent two days at a 'detox house' - a place where those going through detox can safely be with someone who knows what they are/will be experiencing.  He is 'home' now - staying with a friend - and is over the worst of it.  He will be at work Monday.  He has weekly counseling appointments set up and also found an NA chapter with regular meetings closer to where he is than the meetings he tried to attend when he could.  He sounds awful - broken, tired.  But he's alive and making it through.  

Hard to find the balance because truly, day to day updates is not our intent.  I have moments of intense anxiety about him - but I'm trying to just breathe through those moments and let it go.  No way to know how all of this will turn out - but given the history, we have some previous experience with how it's turned out and it's not all that hopeful.  I hope his weekly counseling sessions help.  

He can make enough money to pay rent, food, car insurance and gasoline.  Not much else.  

All the 'other jobs' he's been telling us about - the Amazon phone call 'coming any minute' - I debunked those when we spoke earlier this week - when he found out we knew he was using again.  I told him flat out 'you're lying, H.'  He sighed.  

I've decided it's not important right now to debunk all the crap (yet again).  Just be in touch to let him know we care about him and skip all the details.  But then I think back to the times we've been through this before and how easy it is for him to just deny all the details.  That gets my ire up a bit - and feeling a bit of ire helps make it all a bit easier.  

I don't know how to just completely let him go.  Do I have to?  I want to, somewhat.  I want the day to day drama and lies to just stop.  But I know they won't.  Since I know that about him, guess I just keep working on creating a psychological distance that helps me navigate.

No parent on the planet wants to let their child go down the rabbit hole of addiction - even parents who've been down this road so many fucking times with a child.  

I feel glad we are in our new house with plenty to keep us busy.  The day flies by and here it is approaching 6PM - it's nice to know bedtime is approaching in a few hours 'cuz I feel tired.