Steady Dripping

Bright sun again today and I sit in the office listening to the sound of water dripping constantly.  It's disconcerting a bit since the sound of water dripping in a house is something to possibly be concerned about?  But it's just the sound of a lot of snow on the roof melting and the gutters doing their job of guiding it away from our house.  

When we were building the house, the builder's assistant said 'I don't have gutters on my house - many people don't.  You don't really need them'.  This was sort of in response to why the builder didn't do gutters as part of the build.  But it turns out you really should get gutters 'cuz during times like this upcoming week when lots of snow will be melting off your roof, you'd be deluged with dripping water off your house for days.  Our builder didn't do gutters anymore 'cuz the gutter makers in the city were always so booked, it would delay the closing of the house sale.  So he stopped including them.  

I'm glad we got them - especially listening to the non-stop melting over my head.  

I made homemade hummus a few days ago and it's incredibly delicious.  It was also incredibly easy and I don't think we will ever buy pre-made again.  Got the food processor out and had it done in minutes.  I've had it for lunch with tortilla chips the past few days and it's yummy. 

I've got the lower oven on self clean and it should be finishing up in a few minutes.  It will take awhile for the oven to cool down enough to finish - we have to figure out how to get the lower racks out of both ovens - they are not the easy 'slide in along the sides' - they have what looks like a hinge and it's two racks joined together, sort of.  Time to read the manual.  

I'd love to play slots somewhere today - could definitely use a bit of mindlessness - but we have plans to be at Atlantis next Sunday for Super Bowl and again for two nights mid-week (Valentine's Day event) the week after so....I should really save my play money for those days vs. now.  Plenty to do on the homestead.

I got dressed this morning in a long sleeve flannel shirt - winter attire - and returned to the office where Nala was being a cat-a-log in the front window.  The intense heat coming through the window drove me to go change into a short sleeve t-shirt.  I have the flannel shirt handy if/when it gets chilly....but it's nicely warm in here and I actually have the fan on for a bit.  

I sent an email to my friend C. yesterday - wanting to talk to her but not wanting to intrude on her weekend.  I'm mindful that weekends are for recouping for her as she faces down another work week.  As always, she wrote me back, said she was happy for the email and to remember I can always call her anytime.  She's got a Senior in high school, too - her amazing son O. - so I just try to be careful about interrupting a weekend.  She gave me some good advice on the H. issues.  I needed some reminders. 

I see things on Facebook all the time about 'supposed causes of addiction'...how they trace back to childhood; how mothers are so important in helping kids avoid anxiety.  All sorts of 'stuff'.  I think 'H. lies to us 'cuz he doesn't want my reaction to be bad'.  And I beat myself up for the times I lost my shit with him as a kid.  But then I remind myself 'but he lies to EVERYBODY.  Really,  EVERYBODY.  So that theory doesn't hold water.  It's not a reaction he's avoiding - it's just reality.  Turns out a lot of the rent money we've been loaning him during his 14 months in Texas has likely gone for drugs.  This was uncovered when B. communicated with H.'s friend and he shared that he hadn't been paid rent in months - while our bank account shows entries of loaning H. money for rent.  So.....there's all that. 

I don't think I can have a relationship with H. anymore.  I reflect back on all these months of showing him support, kindness, patience, love.  Reassuring him when he needed it, believing the lies he was crafting - even when I started to be pretty sure there was some spiraling out of control going on....I still tried to be there for him.  Now it's back to just feeling used and taken advantage of....and feeling angry off and on while also feeling scared for him.  

Mostly scared for him. 

I'm tired.  Deep in my bones tired.  It's been exhausting coming to grips with all this crap again.  

I'm sorry I'm whining.