We're on the cusp of a huge weather system moving in. Blizzard and white out conditions. "The worst storm we've had since 2004", a woman I played slots next to this morning said. She was taking a day to get out of the house knowing we wouldn't be likely to want to be out of the house for the rest of this week.
Yesterday, I accompanied J. to Reno - he was getting a cortisone shot in his hip - and his appointment was just around the corner from El Dorado. I have $80 in free play there twice a week - we don't go often but since J. had to go anyway, I went with and he dropped me off.
We've had snow two mornings in a row so far - and our drive to Reno was pretty scary. We saw at least three spin outs including a FedEx truck facing North in the South bound lanes - with a NHP sitting there with him. The roads were wet and icy and going over the huge bridge between here and Reno is never, ever fun - but it was pretty white knuckle. I was incredibly anxious for the drive for no particular reason. J. is a good and careful driver and we were in my car with AWD so we were OK. But wow, it felt scary.
I sat down at the slot machine and took some deep breaths to calm myself. I realized that it was highly likely I was way over sensitive during the trip 'cuz shit has been hitting the fan this week about H. and I felt vulnerable and raw.
The song "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain came on - and the line 'I'll be the biggest fan of your life' started the tears pooling in my eyes. We have been H.'s biggest fans and isn't that what parents should be for their kids? Their biggest fan?. Next was "One Call Away" by Charlie Puth - "I'm only one call away, I'll be there to save the day. Superman's got nothing on me. I'm only one call away". Yep, we've been only one call away for a long time. And we've done everything we can to save the day when it comes to him. And then 'Everybody Plays the Fool'....and the tears dried up. Yep, we've been fools. And now we're broken hearted, exhausted fools.
Things haven't felt right with him in a long time and things sort of catapulted to disaster in the past week or so. Starting with realizing that B. had sent H. money - a nice thing for B. to do - but my immediate reaction was 'why did H. need the money'? I knew. The last time he reached out to a family member for money was a similar huge clue.
He's been kicked out of the friends house where he was staying - he hasn't told us that yet, but we know he has. He's back to using heroin and I/we are devastated to realize that the funding we've provided to help him with transitioning to his 'fresh start' in Texas has mostly (likely) gone to his addiction.
I guess the only 'good' thing to come out of all this stuff happening yet again is that I feel way more 'calm' about all of it. I fretted a bit about 'what should we do?'....and then I had a huge 'lightening' when I said out loud to myself in the shower one morning 'nothing. We don't have to do a damn thing. '.
I wish I had experienced the steadfast realization of that a year or so ago. All the things we've done to try to help him have been for nothing. Absolutely nothing.
We have a toll free number for Federal programs for mental health and drug addiction we will give him and we hope he will use them. We will keep paying for his monthly phone bill (it's $30 a month or so - he's been on our family plan for more than a decade) but any other financing has dried up. (And we may end up cancelling the phone - but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. Not quite yet).
I feel bad for B. who has experienced first hand what it's like to be on the receiving end of a phone call from H. while he's crying. B.'s brotherly care and concern had him offering to help and he sent H. a generous amount of money to help with things H. said were piling up - car repair, food, gas for his car, etc. . But now B. knows that it's highly likely that was just BS - we had turned off the tap pretty much a week or so ago and so H. had to find someone else. B. is completely pissed off, now - and so 'done' as he says.
I feel done, too. I really do. And I think J. does as well. It's hard to just say 'you're on your own, now, H. - for reals' - but it's what we need to do. J. and I are both thinking through the inevitable conversation that will happen where H. will know we know - and we've been rehearsing answers to the things I expect will be said. He'll say 'you're giving up on me'. Um, no. We're not. You've done a pretty good job of giving up on you - we're just going to step off the H. roller coaster and let you ride it alone. We hope and pray you will navigate and find your way. Maybe you will. Maybe you won't. We could spend eternity mapping through all the possible outcomes and it would be a waste of effort and time 'cuz who knows? The only person who controls what happens from here on out is H. . And that will be something we will all just have to hope and pray about -
There are no easy answers about any of this. It is just as tragic this time as it has been all the other times....two inpatient rehabs followed by outpatient rehab....never made a difference. In truth, H. stopped being sober about two months after the last rehab round (Summer, 2018) when he got kicked out of the Sober Living house placement he had post rehab. He rationalized weed was no big deal. Then alcohol was no big deal. He used heroin again Summer, 2019. And even (we found out) was using heroin when he moved to Texas in November, 2019. Shit. What a revelation.
It's the hardest thing in the world to have an addict in the family. I've read all the books and God knows we've done everything we can for him - but we're done. No more psychic energy trying to keep up with the stories. No more scratching my head trying to figure out what in the heck is happening with him at any given moment. I think declaring that to myself - taking back all that energy and time - is what brings the sense of peace I feel. Not like worrying ever is technically worth it - but we have worried constantly.
If loving, caring, trusting, generous parents were enough, he'd be sober. He's going to have to navigate alone.
I did my free-play at Atlantis today - knowing if I didn't make the drive today, there was no way I would be driving there on Wednesday or Thursday to use the free play. I had a really fun time, came home up a smidge, spent time with friends (including a couple I hadn't seen in a long time) and played on my wins for a few hours. Brought home food from their new restaurant Red Bloom. Ramen dishes which are so amazingly delicious!
I'm looking forward to a few days of not going anywhere. I've got a Kindle loaded with books, jigsaw puzzles around, lots to watch on TV. And a big house to take care of!
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