Stoned

J. has suffered through kidney stones many times. He's had to endure the 'sonic bathtub' treatment to blast them to bits - and passed many over the years. B. actually had one, too, already, in his young life. And now it's my turn. I've had twinges and aches for some time - and thought in the back of my mind 'I think something's not right with my kidneys'. And this week, it was confirmed ten-fold. A pain that awakened me Tuesday and Wednesday night was horrifically bad by Thursday morning and finally forced me to find a doctor in town. Diagnosis: kidney stone(s) passing. Or trying to pass, since I'm still in a world of hurt. I'm supposed to drink a ton of liquids...but drinking liquids leads to pain. Huge pain. So I'm drinking and medicating and sleeping. Had always thought Vicodin didn't really work for me - but it is. I take two and it does the trick. And then I sleep for hours. And wake up still sleepy.

It has been 'pleasant' to have a reason to lie around in bed and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer - from Season 1 forward. I only started watching the show in the late 4th season so it's been fun to see it from the beginning - the full show set was a Christmas gift from J. a year (or two?) ago.

I was out sick 1/2 day yesterday and all day today and I will have to work this weekend because I have huge reports and deadlines looming that I must complete as early in this upcoming week as possible. I'll go in tomorrow for a bit and if I'm feeling bad, I'll haul stuff home, along with my work laptop and work at home. It will be OK. I'll get done what I can. If I'm not feeling better by Monday, I am to go back and the Dr. will order a scan to see what we're dealing with. It hurts like the dickens and I have a new respect for J. enduring this multiple times in his life. It's unpleasant, to say the least.

One son is staying over at a friend's house. The other is wanting to have someone over, which I'm just not up for. He is displeased. Oh well. He usually is, since that's a key job description component of an almost 17 year old.

I'm heading upstairs to continue my self-designed Buffy marathon and take some pain meds (drank a ton of water and apple juice with dinner and now the pain is back to my right side, where it started. Instead of moving to my back, which it had done as of this morning - so now I'm a bit worried that we're sort of 'starting over' in the path of the stone. It was supposed to move to the back and then out. But it's back where it started. Bugger). Probably just more stones moving out of the kidneys. Fun. That's certainly something to look forward to.

Sleep-ity

[It's hard picking a title].

It has been a very stressful week. Weeks, actually. Things have been horribly hard. All things.

I have been here before. I will be here again. I know this state - this frantically frantic, full of woe and worry state of being. I try to shake it. I cannot. Nothing works. Nothing.

Today the gloom lifted just the teeniest, tiniest tad. And I am putting my recovery plan in action: I am getting pleasantly inebriated on some good wine and as soon as the effect of that wine hits, I will head upstairs to bed. The alcoholic cocktail will work it's magic and I will hopefully have a good night's sleep.

Sleep cures many of my issues. I have been sleep deprived all my life and when I reach this point, I just need to own it and sleep. Even if it takes some 'inducement' to get me into a decent slumber. I don't feel the least bit bad about it and it's a rare event that I have a glass of anything with dinner. But tonight, after these long, frantic weeks of lows, I need it. I need sleep. It will be so much better tomorrow after some rest. I know it. I've known this all my life - for me, sleep cures a zillion ills. It's just even harder as I've aged to get my body to shut down.

I grew up sharing a cabin most weekends with anywhere from 3 to 40 people. We slept on a screened porch at one of two cabins - one on the beach, one in the mountains. There was never any privacy. Many, MANY noises and sounds - and I never slept well. My mother took me to our beach cabin the weekend after I'd had my tonsils out - at the age of 19. Incredibly painful and exhausting - and there I was in a 'house' with 20 other people. Her concession to my lack of enthusiasm for going was to ask our 'aunt and uncle' to use their cabin up the hill - so I slept there alone. And was grateful for the sleep. I still remember that feeling of relief when she finally conceded that perhaps asking me to attempt to sleep well in that environment was a bit much. It was one of the first times I remember ever speaking up to her about something I wasn't OK with. And she took care of it. Barely. But she did.

I've been a light sleeper my entire life. It continues and magnifies as I've aged. I just can't shut my brain off. And any noise - a motorcycle starting up; the heater coming on [yes, I finally turned on the heat 'cuz we were all freezing] - anything wakes me. And once I'm awake, I can't get back to sleep. This morning, I was awake at 2. Finally just got up at 4. Was at my desk by 6. And even now, at 7PM, if it weren't for the wine, I don't think I'd feel sleepy.

But with wine, I do. And with wine, I will. Just for tonight. One decent night's sleep will renew me for the next day/week/month. Sleep is my cure-all.

I'm hoping it works. If a good night's sleep doesn't restore me, I don't know what I will do.

And Bug, thanks for listening today. You are the most amazing person - I just can't say how grateful I am for your honesty, humor, and friendship. You amaze me everyday. And I miss you more than I can say.

Winner?

The lottery drawing for tonight is in about 20 minutes and the jackpot is $43M. I am sitting here with my co-author Chloe in my lap wishing/praying/hoping that we could, please oh please, possibly win that jackpot? Wouldn't that be fab? Yes, it would. I dream about all the great things we could do with that money - the people we could help. The lives we could change. And of course, I dream of quitting my job and J. quitting his immediately. Oh to dream. There's always hope - every Wednesday and every Saturday, there is new hope. And possibilities. And it's OK if we don't win - we don't, haven't and probably won't and yet, I still dream. And wish and hope.

Chloe is asleep on my lap. When I'm not typing, she tucks her snout into the crook of my elbow, shielding her eyes from view. Our laps is now one of her favorite places in the evening - her fur is apparently not quite warm enough and she needs some snuggling. She's a busy, busy girl all day long and can't wait to conk out in our laps every evening after dinner. Every once in a while, she lets out a teeny 'bark' or a growl. Which scares me to death since I'm in the house alone and I can't imagine what she's hearing that I don't hear.

J. and the boys went to the movies. Some gangster movie. Not exactly Christmas fare. I want to see Enchanted - no interest. Maybe next weekend I'll just take myself.

We're pretty much done with Christmas shopping except for extended family. J. was with me today and talked me out of buying a stove top nut glazer - which would have cost $30 plus $4 for each bottle of glaze. He said 'if you want glazed nuts, by a jar of them'. And he's right. No point in buying some gadget that we will rarely use and if we do use it, will create way too many sweet/fattening things that are hard to resist. So I bought some toffee cashews instead and skipped the 'Christmas' gift for myself. I don't need it. I don't really even want it that much - but I did want glazed nuts 'cuz I love them....but I had some so I'm good.

The boys are spoiled rotten again this Christmas, already. And J. reminded me to be sure I'm keeping all of our purchases written down so we don't forget about them and don't forget how much we've (already) spent and what we have to wrap. It all adds up very quickly and I tend to get carried away in the moment and can't wait to spoil them. Surprise them. Make the morning as magical as humanly possible. The 'wow' factor is very important to me and I work hard at surprising them every year. This year will be no exception.

I did not work this weekend - at least not so far. I should work. Need to work. Have a gazillion things to do that I should be taking care of. But I'm in the office all this next week with very few meetings and I think I can just plow away throughout the week, into the early evenings, if needed - and/or work next weekend if needed and just enjoy the long weekend. Only one day left.....

Chloe is getting restless - time to go outside for a few minutes in the freezing cold and try to cajole her into doing her business. She likes to sniff and explore every square inch of the lawn, as if she's never been there before, in order to find just the perfect place to take care of her business. Nothing deters her from this 'routine'. And it requires us being with her - she will not go out alone, or she will but if there's no one to remind her why she's out there, she will return inside only to piddle on the floor moments later. So we take her out and try to encourage her to do it fast! She's getting better - she's had just a couple accidents the past week and those were our fault for not paying attention to her pleas for going out. We're working on it.

Thanks

The turkey is roasting. We have two ice chests in the garage full of crushed ice since we had to relocate most non-Thanksgiving dinner related food items out of the fridge - too many casserole dishes awaiting the oven after the bird is finished roasting. Our guests arrived early - don't know why the driver can't tell time, but he apparently can't. When J. told him to arrive 'sometime after 1' he figured anytime before 1 would be better. Typical. They are here at lunch time and dinner is 3-4 hours away so we are now snacking on chips and dip, brie and crackers and protein bars (for the kids). Wish I had time for a nap, but not today. Oh well.

The week has been fraught with mishaps. J. cooked breakfast for the house full yesterday before they headed off to the golf course. Left a clogged garbage disposal in his wake - it was egg shells and a paper towel. Thank goodness for Johnny's Plumbing in Ripon. I don't know how we got lucky enough to have called them for our first plumbing problem when we moved in here 7 years ago - but we are so fortunate we did. They are THE BEST. I called at 8AM and the thing was fixed and working again by 10:30 - they were here less than an hour and the fix included the plumber sawing the pipe off (since the builder took another code-violating short-cut and didn't install a 'trap' as per code). Even with the re-do of the pipe and trap, the bill was still under $100. Amazing. They are so incredibly nice and do really good work. Very professional. I can't rave about them enough and they are the ONLY plumber we ever call.

Added to that is my PC (laptop) which was infected with a virus. With J.'s help last night, we FINALLY got rid of it - and thankfully, it did no damage. The Norton antivirus program stopped it from accessing any files - but unfortunately could not quarantine nor remove it. I got a pop up hundreds of times each time I turned on the PC and it was processing at a crawl. But it's all back to normal now, thank goodness.

We are off until Monday, though I will undoubtedly be working at least one of those days. So much to do. It never ends. I was tidying up some things and working on the garage and found (still more) boxes from my college job days. Just cleaning those out made me so homesick for that place, I could hardly stand it. Called Bug (who was at her desk late on Thanksgiving eve - she's so dedicated and works so incredibly hard) and she was thinking of me, too. I miss that place and have pretty much decided that I'm going back. Don't know when. Don't know how. But it's where I am ready to be. Again. In the mean time, I have so much to do and will just need to do what needs to get done as it arises. Can't say I like it much these days. Maybe that will change. Maybe not. I'm betting on not. Doesn't 'feel' even remotely 'good' these days, even when it's only a 3 minute commute. Heck, I work the same - actually more - hours at the new job than I did at the old, even including the commute time. So going back to the 'old' job would probably mean more time at home - compared to now. I feel like I live there. Literally.

The weather has turned decidedly chilly - very cold last night, necessitating extra blankets and putting the down comforters on the beds. It was COLD. I still haven't turned on the heat - my frugality is taking over and I just refuse. I did finally close the bedroom window - had have it open for weeks letting fresh, cool air in. But it's time to board up for the long cold winter months. We are raking leaves like crazy - though they are not from our trees, but from our neighbors fruit trees. Was so excited about those when they were planted years ago - but now, they just drop leaves and rotted fruit on our side of the fence and necessitate a ton of clean up. Oh well. They are the neighbors that gifted us with the awesome sleeper couch so we'll keep raking their leaves. It's a good chore for the boys, though they grumble a fair amount. But that's nothing new - they grumble a fair amount about pretty much everything anyway.

On this day, I thank God for my family, my friends, my health and for turkey and pumpkin pie.

Blessings to all! Happy shopping tomorrow!

Crashing

I sit in a room with 299 other 'best and brightest' - the state's top business managers from 299 different districts. And me. I feel horribly out of place.

I take frantic notes on everything said - feeling I'm only really 'getting' a small portion of it. Thinking I will never understand all the formulas and economic impacts that drive state education funding. Convinced, as I have been many times in the past 11 months, that I have made a dire, irreversible mistake by being in this job. "I will never get this", I think. "It will never make sense".

I look to my right at a women who barely gives me the time of day - she made brief introductions and went back to her Blackberry and her coworker - and I notice that she isn't taking notes. She'd DOODLING. Lots of doodles. Boxes and curls she's colored in black ink. She's not even listening, apparently.

And to my left, another 'senior' CBO is dozing. Literally.

And I think 'well, I may not be getting all of it - but I am paying attention, I am writing notes and I am trying. And that's more than those two are doing. So I think I'll be OK'.

Sea

I smelled it long before I could see it. That breezy, salty, briny smell that assaults your senses as you crest the valley. Having driven in from a 'new' direction, I didn't recognize the terrain at first - and then I did. Knew exactly where I was, and knew it was coming, just around the corner. The smell alerted me I was close. And then, there it was. Breathtakingly beautiful, as it always is, no matter where I am on this planet. The ocean. The massive, beautiful, breezy ocean. As soon as I saw the deep blue with the waves breaking slightly on the shore, I literally felt my body relax - just 'sink' into peace - for the first time in forever.

I visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium last night, just before closing. Didn't have to pay to get in, since we're members - and was transfixed by the kelp exhibit. Getting low light from the late day sun - and the anchovies creating this spiral of fluid silver activity. I could have watched them for hours. I got a private 'tour' of the exhibit by one of the docents there - including her walking me around the tank showing me the fish that 'hide' until it's feeding time. It was just beautiful and I felt so lucky to have been there when there were absolutely no crowds of any kind. Might try to go back tonight before it closes, if I can sneak away from this evenings 'meeting activities'.

I had an Island Paradise cocktail last night while I waited for my 'to go' order at the bar. A mix of three kinds of tropical rums with some kind of juice. I don't know exactly what was in it - but it was delicious. And after eating my 'room service' meal that I brought in myself, I was so wiped out (having been up since 4 and in my office just after 5) that I fell asleep. Put on my PJs, put the do not disturb sign on the door (having suspected this is a swanky enough hotel to have a turn down service - which was confirmed upon opening my door this morning and finding their 'apologies' for not disturbing me to turn down my bed) and was asleep from just after 7 until 7 this morning. Woke only twice - once for some much needed water and another time to use the facilities. But the sleep was glorious. The room was incredibly quiet, temperature was perfection and I slept like a log. And I hope to do the same tonight, including the cocktail that helped induce the sleep. I needed it. I feel extraordinarily better today - ready to conquer the world, kind of.

I bought lottery tickets 'cuz I always feel like it's 'fate' that I'm in a certain place at a certain time. Sadly, we did not win last night, but thankfully, it rolled again, so I bought more. And that extra $3M from the roll would pay for a lovely home here, which would be fantastic.

This place is magical. I am going to promise that J. and I are going to be spending many long, wonderful weekends here in retirement. Just a short drive from home is beachy paradise, and I need that in my life....more often. I don't know why we haven't been coming here - just didn't realize how close it was since moving to Tracy.

It's time to head down to my meeting. More later. Greetings from sand, surf and sea lions. And Majah.

Various

It's been a week since my last post...seems like a lot longer than that. Nothing monumental to report....same stuff, different day. I will update on a few miscellany -

Chloe is becoming a family dog. She is hanging out with us more and more outside the fenced off family room and so far, no accidents have been reported. She is getting better at conveying her needs to piddle and when she starts 'talking' to me, it's the signal it's time to go. She gives a little low 'voice' - kind of a growl, only not really - and that's our signal it's time. She is my shadow - where I go, she goes. She especially loves the kitchen because THERE ARE CRUMBS IN THERE. When I headed in to cook dinner last night, she was so giddy, she could barely keep her feet under her to get up the stairs and into the kitchen. She is playing with the boys constantly and is learning to 'sit on her blankie' when it's time to quiet down.

I had her on my lap at one point outside and said 'we miss Dani'. And the 'Dani' clicked with her, really for the first time since she died - and Chloe physically reacted. Ears perked up, eyes scanned the backyard. As if she thought 'oh my gosh, where has she been, I should have been looking for her all this time'. It was sweet ...and sad at the same time. I reassured her 'Dani's not here. It's OK'. And she relaxed a bit. Then she went back to being 'Princess Chloe', queen of the manor.

The winter chill has arrived and like Dani, Chloe is now officially 'burrowing'. Dani burrowed from infancy - and Chloe never really needed the covers, 'cuz she had Dani as her built in heater. Now, without Dani in the kennel, Chloe has sought out burrowing to keep warm on the chilly nights (I'm too cheap to turn on the heater - will soon, but for now, we're all just coping with mornings that are a bit chilly and building a fire in the fireplace on chilly evenings). And we finally moved the bigger 'two dog' kennel out of the family room and into the garage (another garage sale item that we'll probably never sell at a garage sale) and Chloe is using the 'just my size' smaller travel kennel. It suits her and it's nice to feel the family room is somewhat less 'dogs live in this room' chic.

B. did not make jazz band this year and unlike last year, when he knew he had auditioned poorly, there is no reasonable explanation except that the teacher is an #$$. There, I've said it.

Christmas shopping is largely done, at least for the boys. We headed to Sports Chalet in Pleasanton on Saturday evening where H. procured a new jacket and pants for snowboarding. B. had previously chosen a new snow board. And the aforementioned video system is also safely in the closet. Shopping early gives me a few months to spread out the impact on our budget and makes the post-Thanksgiving time less hectic. There are still lots of little things to get between now and then, but the major budget busting items are done. J. and I are both 'at that age' where there isn't anything we really want - we'd much rather forgo wants for ourselves and be able to spoil the kids more. It's a nice place to be - and while I'm sure there will be small items under the tree for us both, we will limit our requests to things we really want. For me, it's all 'consumables'. I don't want things that 'take up space'. Gift cards for Starbucks are perfect. And maybe a CD or two on my list. That's about it. We have the Hawaii trip coming up in March (we will spend our 18th wedding anniversary in paradise with our kids - how perfect is that??) and so being 'frugal' for the two of us at Christmas makes sense.

I am starting to give considerable thought to down-sizing. Not now, because the housing market is horrible - and while we could move into a smaller home for considerably less, we wouldn't be able to sell this one for much more...so we wouldn't be ahead on the housing front. But someday, we will want less space and less expense - and that will require purging a bunch of stuff. It's my mission for 2008. I already feel like we're in a 'use it up' phase. Cleaning out the pantry, garage, etc. are both on my winter break project list. Progress will be made. Things will be given away, sold or just trashed. By the end of the winter break, I intend to have one car parked in the garage every night - instead of 3 cars in the driveway. Well, actually two in the driveway and one by the curb. And then, maybe by Winter Break of 2008, we can make room for a 2nd car in the garage. 'Cuz that's what garages are for, don't 'ya know.

J. says my posts are too long - so I'm signing off now. And heading to work on a holiday because I have too much to do and am out of the office at a symposium for most of the week.

Guilty Pleasure

I stepped gingerly on the scale this morning, fully expecting to have gained a pound or two, possibly three. I was bad over the weekend - the Ben & Jerry's, chips, etc. I passed the weekend snacking vs. actually eating a real 'meal'. The closest I got to cooking was the baked potato I nuked on Saturday evening for dinner, topped with grated cheese, real butter, sour cream and bacon bits. Didn't have any green onions in the house and was too lazy to go get some, otherwise those would have been on there also.

I was down a pound, oddly enough. Seems some of my 'treats', while sweet, may not be all that 'bad' for me after all.

I stocked up on the "Happy Apples" - the packaged caramel and cinnamon candy apples that appear in the produce department every Halloween. They are DELICIOUS and while 'sweet', perhaps the fruit/fiber part of the apple helps lessen the impact of the 'candy' part? Well, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Had another tonight as 'dessert'. Might have to stop by the produce section tomorrow when I get my iced tea to see if they still have more and get some. They are great!

And, I have been 'exercising' more - walking Chloe 2-3 times per week - apparently so much that when I put the harness on her this afternoon, she looked slightly less excited than she usually does. I 'wogged' a bit - walked/jogged slowly with her trotting beside me. I have to remember that her teeny legs take many more steps to keep up with my longer stride. She has to really run to keep up if I'm wogging, so I try to just walk briskly. It's good exercise and we both are benefiting - she's still looking pudgy but it won't take long for her to thin down. She can't eat Dani's food anymore - she doesn't sneak Dani's treat out from under her nose anymore. So she'll lose weight eventually. And hopefully, so will I.

We have a new creamy yellow leather sofa/sleeper in the play room - our neighbors got a piano and made room for it by getting rid of a sofa. We were thrilled to have it - it's beautiful and perfect to replace the ancient, cat scratched sofa/sleeper we had in there - 20+ years old and showing it. The new couch is beautiful and wider - perfect for stretching out for a quick nap or while reading a book. Love it! Can't thank our neighbors enough!

I am searching high and low for a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Why is it every Christmas is spent in an obsessive hunt for the latest electronics? And how/why/when did the Wii become so popular that it is out of stock virtually everywhere - EVERYWHERE. I will likely find one on eBay and decide how much I'm willing to pay to save myself hours of searching - as I did last year for the PS3. Oh well. We plan to put the Wii in the family room and have family 'tournaments' for the variety of sport games available.

The time change is strange - it's just after 6PM and it's already dark. The day flew by, which is rare for a Monday. I've planned a dinner and lunch with various friends in early December and might see N. for lunch on the Monday (next) holiday. Hope so. Plan to try.

Saturday Alone

J. and the boys are in Tulare this weekend, where J. is attending his 40th high school reunion (in Visalia). We had considered me going - and I would have. But I was glad/relieved/thrilled when J. suggested he would be fine going alone - he knew I probably wouldn't enjoy it much and he didn't want to worry that I was having a rotten time. I went to his 25th and it was fine, though 'fun' is not an adjective I'd use to describe it. So I opted out, which saved us oodles of $$ and gave me a weekend at home alone. Just me and Chloe.

I drove to Pleasanton again today to return the outfit I bought at jjill a couple weeks ago. Ended up buying a jacket I had my eye on that day, which was now clearanced and 1/2 off! Love a deal! I had lunch (an almond pretzel from Auntie Anne's and an iced tea from you know where. Also went to Sephora for a few 'beauty' items and saved myself shipping since I was planning to order them.

They were putting up the big Christmas display in the mall ALREADY and already had the 'calendar' kiosks in the middle of the mall for Christmas gifts. They also had 'fake' Christmas trees with multi colored lights - exactly what we've been looking for. We have considered buying the Costco pre-lit trees but those lights are just clear and we all want multi. So when I saw the 'tree store' in the mall, I headed in. And then immediately headed out. The tree I looked at, at the 2nd to the shortest size, was ONE THOUSAND NINETY DOLLARS. Can you believe that? Even at $100/tree (which we rarely spend - we're usually between $65 and $85), it would take us NINETEEN YEARS to recoup our investment. True, some of the attraction is avoiding the hassle and mess of a real tree. The outing to buy it; minutes/hours finding the right one; tying it to the top of the car and praying we make it home before it falls off; dragging it into the front door, leaving a trail behind us; getting it into the stand; etc....but I don't think I can spend that kind of money on a FAKE tree. I just can't do it. I think if we decided to go the 'artificial' route this year, we'll buy the Costco tree with white lights and then add colored lights to it. Easy. Though I think we will likely be 'traditioned' into getting a real tree every year until the kids don't live here anymore. It's what they've grown up with and like. And I can't blame them for that...

I went to SaveMart and bought some Ben & Jerry's ice cream for a treat. Got the 'new' Creme Brulee flavor, which was incredibly, sickeningly sweet - and after a couple spoons, I had to eat some potato chips to even out the sweet with some salty. Now I'm parched and will need some cold water to get rid of the salt.

I've paid the bills, cleaned out the catalog cupboard, signed up for a service that deletes your name from catalog mailings for those you don't want, taken out a lot of recycling, played with Chloe, had dinner (baked potato). Will soon be starting some laundry, running the dishwasher and making some pineapple pumpkin bread for tomorrow.

We've started letting Chloe out in the evenings - freeing her from her puppy prison to come play for a bit. She still piddles - everywhere - and we are watching her like a hawk. But as long as she stays in the same room where we are, she does pretty well. And she loves playing and it's been a lot of fun to see her interact WITH US, instead of playing with Dani. She is becoming a 'people' dog instead of a dog's dog and it's been fun to see her transformation this week. We still have a long way to go to get her to be a 'allowed out all the time no caution required' dog, but we're working on it. We're going to take her to the vet for a checkup and tell them that she piddles when she's excited or nervous - and see if there's something wrong with her. Besides a small bladder, which I suspect is the problem. She's a tiny little thing.

Gotta run. Time for Chloe's play time. We're watching 'You've Got Mail', the absolutely perfect Saturday evening alone movie.

Night all. Chloe and I wish you a peaceful evening and a good night's sleep.