Sleep-ity

[It's hard picking a title].

It has been a very stressful week. Weeks, actually. Things have been horribly hard. All things.

I have been here before. I will be here again. I know this state - this frantically frantic, full of woe and worry state of being. I try to shake it. I cannot. Nothing works. Nothing.

Today the gloom lifted just the teeniest, tiniest tad. And I am putting my recovery plan in action: I am getting pleasantly inebriated on some good wine and as soon as the effect of that wine hits, I will head upstairs to bed. The alcoholic cocktail will work it's magic and I will hopefully have a good night's sleep.

Sleep cures many of my issues. I have been sleep deprived all my life and when I reach this point, I just need to own it and sleep. Even if it takes some 'inducement' to get me into a decent slumber. I don't feel the least bit bad about it and it's a rare event that I have a glass of anything with dinner. But tonight, after these long, frantic weeks of lows, I need it. I need sleep. It will be so much better tomorrow after some rest. I know it. I've known this all my life - for me, sleep cures a zillion ills. It's just even harder as I've aged to get my body to shut down.

I grew up sharing a cabin most weekends with anywhere from 3 to 40 people. We slept on a screened porch at one of two cabins - one on the beach, one in the mountains. There was never any privacy. Many, MANY noises and sounds - and I never slept well. My mother took me to our beach cabin the weekend after I'd had my tonsils out - at the age of 19. Incredibly painful and exhausting - and there I was in a 'house' with 20 other people. Her concession to my lack of enthusiasm for going was to ask our 'aunt and uncle' to use their cabin up the hill - so I slept there alone. And was grateful for the sleep. I still remember that feeling of relief when she finally conceded that perhaps asking me to attempt to sleep well in that environment was a bit much. It was one of the first times I remember ever speaking up to her about something I wasn't OK with. And she took care of it. Barely. But she did.

I've been a light sleeper my entire life. It continues and magnifies as I've aged. I just can't shut my brain off. And any noise - a motorcycle starting up; the heater coming on [yes, I finally turned on the heat 'cuz we were all freezing] - anything wakes me. And once I'm awake, I can't get back to sleep. This morning, I was awake at 2. Finally just got up at 4. Was at my desk by 6. And even now, at 7PM, if it weren't for the wine, I don't think I'd feel sleepy.

But with wine, I do. And with wine, I will. Just for tonight. One decent night's sleep will renew me for the next day/week/month. Sleep is my cure-all.

I'm hoping it works. If a good night's sleep doesn't restore me, I don't know what I will do.

And Bug, thanks for listening today. You are the most amazing person - I just can't say how grateful I am for your honesty, humor, and friendship. You amaze me everyday. And I miss you more than I can say.