Monday, January 31, 2005

Blessings

I go to bed smiling lately. Perhaps that's the norm for most people, but in my life, it has been the rarity that I drifted off to sleep feeling content, safe and happy.

We are blessed. I like to say 'I am blessed beyond all comprehension' as I drift off to sleep. Blessed with two great kids, a great spouse, wonderful home, good jobs, a happy, happy life. Truly, truly blessed.

I still have days when I have to remind myself of that. I still have moments when I forget to appreciate how wonderful my life is compared with others - and I have to shake myself up to get back to the state of happy.

No, all days are not perfect - no one's are. Mine border on good most of the time and sometimes, sublime. But lately, even an average day has me smiling as I fall asleep. Just a small upturn at the corners of my mouth that seems to be there more often than not. It's a nice feeling.

We bought some artwork for our house. We have had paintings 'in mind' for our livingroom since we moved into this house 4 years ago - and we finally found them. Bought 4 paintings on the spot, have ordered two more and are still looking. We have this gigantic 14 foot high wall in our livingroom - and it's got windows in odd places that sort of break the wall up into these strange areas that need something. Finally, we found it - artwork by Joy Broe. BEAUTIFUL...and so NOT my taste when we were first married - but now, we both just instantly fell in love with them and knew they were perfect for this space we've been pondering for years. And as we made the purchase and then ordered two more online last night, I was reminded yet again how lucky we really are. To be able to drop a serious chunk of change because we both loved something and wanted it - and not have to think about it at all - just did it. It shocks me still...really. I didn't grow up in a home that had 'plenty'. Money was a constant issue and source of stress during my childhood...there was never enough, yet my mom kept spending like there was. It was a strange way to live...and I grew up believing that everyone pays for everything with plastic. Not so, I learned later - after marrying Jim, the budget king. We do use credit cards - for the 'rewards' - but we pay them off in full every month - no exceptions. It's hard some months to bite the bullet, but we do. So here I am, able to pretty much buy what I need or want with no worries. See? Blessed.

J. says I'm the family money wizard. I am, now. But truly, I learned from him what a budget is and how to stick to it. The hardest part is putting it on paper - and it can be a shocking exercise. But once done, it leads to so much more 'freedom' - because we know how much we spend every month, and on what - so we know what's 'available'. I'd never understood that concept until I married J. I just paid my bills (ALWAYS ON TIME) and 'lived' on whatever was left. If 'whatever was left' wasn't enough, then I did what my mom had always done - charged it. But then J. changed all that for me.

This has always hit home for me:

You always have as much as you need,
but you never get as much as you want.
The wanting just gets in the way of enjoying what you have.

Wanting doesn't get in the way anymore...and that's the biggest blessing of all.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Sunshine

Yesterday, there was sun in Tracy - first time in weeks. Dani & I took advantage and did stuff outside for a good part of the day. She was thrilled to have the run of the backyard again and has learned the command 'wait' - she stops and waits patiently by the back door while I clean the dirt & mud off her paws before she goes back into the house. It was a pretty day. I'm already looking forward to Spring. We will have a lot of lawn stuff to do to get the backyard back in shape and redone post-pool.

J and the boys had a great time snowboarding - they arrived home in the 7:30PM range exhausted. This morning, I got the 'real' scoop from the kids about how they did. H caught some air (accidentally, he says) on a bump and ended up landing on his shoulder and hitting his head/face on the snow. B also got a 'bonk' on the head in a hard landing. Helmets will be purchased before the next trip to the snow. They are in complete agreement that perhaps some extra protection for their noggins is in order.

This morning, my lovely hubby brought me coffee and I said 'oh honey, you're so sweet - I'm going to blog this!'. That comment led to other comments like 'hmmmm, a blog job might be nice'. Aren't men great? Always thinking, aren't they? He makes me laugh a lot and I love him.

Tomorrow, it's back to work - start of a new semester. I hope to get there really early so I won't have to deal with the pre-8AM parking madness. Since I was out most of last week, there will be tons to do on top of the normal tons to do. It will be a busy, fast week.

Back again soon -

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head
I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world

Mad World - Gary Jules

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Alone

H is playing in a mid-season soccer league. This is a traveling league. At this very moment, J and the two boys (B decided to go 'cuz he heard it was fun - and was willing to get up at 5AM on a Saturday to accompany his brother and dad) are on their way to a small town about 2 hours from here. They will return after H plays two games - they'll be back around 2PM.

I find myself w/ most of a Saturday alone. Typically, this would result in me beaming from ear to ear. Today, it just feels lonely. AND, they're all going snowboarding tomorrow so I'll have more of the same. Glad it's a 3 day weekend and J promises they'll be home on Monday - when they will all inevitably make me crazy and I'll wonder why I didn't enjoy the quiet of the 2 previous days.

So it's me, the dog and the cats today. The dog is attempting to make friends with the cats and it's actually going well. It's only taken 3 years of having a dog in the house for the cats to even consider being in the same room with another 4-legged species. Now, they will remain in the same room together and interact a bit, until Dani (the dog - miniature dachshund) gets too friendly and does something that gets her bonked on the nose. (Cats are declawed, thankfully - and yes, we did try everything possible to avoid having to declaw them - but our brand new house's oak stair banisters were being thrashed and that was the final straw). So Dani and the cats have this little routine now. Dani 'dances' (weaves and moves forward and back ever so slightly) while Klink (the dominant brother of the pair of cats) sits regally watching. Then, they get nose to nose and Klink eventually decides 'enough' and then 'bonk' - Dani's back sitting on her haunches looking somewhat shocked. Shocked only - never deterred. She's back at her attempts at making friends sooner than you can blink. Snow (less dominant, shy, sweet brother of monster cat Klink) stays back watching. Thankful, probably for the first time in his life, that his brother Klink is a good protector. Every once in awhile, I'll hear the 'clomp clomp clomp' of a bunch of four-legged creatures running up the stairs, into every room upstairs. That's a signal that the cat's have REALLY had enough now and it's time for me to go get Dani and attempt to get her to stay downstairs for awhile and give the felines a break.

It's a(nother) gloomy day in the valley. Overcast, cold and dreary. Matches my mood. Hmmmm....maybe I need to go sit under the 'like sunlight' lamp I have for the bird to get some 'sun' and read a book. I think I'll give that a try.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Starting

How do you start a blog? and why would anyone want to? In my case, there's someone I don't see often and I like to keep them 'looped' in about my days. Hence, this blog. K, this is for you.

Work is OK - as I like to say 'that's why they call it work'. Not fun, but survivable. I won't elaborate 'cuz I don't want to be 'dooced' for writing about the thrilling days of working in higher education. It's an OK job with wonderful people. But, it's a job - and since I spend every waking hour wishing I didn't have to work (I know, who doesn't)....well 'nuf said, I guess.

Kids are good. Two kids - both boys. B is 13 (he'll be 14 in two weeks, which he'll remind you constantly if given the opportunity). H is 11. They are the loves of my life. The 'majah' of my blog title comes from H - that's what he calls me. He calls his dad 'fajah'. We like it. Hopefully, it will not offend anyone....I haven't checked yet to see if those terms mean something horrific in another language.

This has been an off week. Physically feeling unwell which leads to mentally feeling unwell. Difficult. The building I work in has been hit w/ the flu - three of us out so far, including my boss (and he's never sick) and another co-worker. We are all hacking and headachy and generally miserable - and I decided to take my misery home. Slept most of the afternoon away. Woke up in time to help kids w/ homework, help H bake cookies for a snack (he's my little Keebler elf, I tell you). Will write a bit now and then head back upstairs to the warmth of my down comforter and the TV remote.

B's upcoming birthday has started me feeling melancholy and old(er). I can't believe that little tiny baby is now a towering 5'8" tall, and a hunk to boot. What a dream he is. He was a gift from the minute he was conceived - a totally unexpected, shockingly wonderful gift. And he's turning FOURTEEN. YIKES. Where have those years gone?

When B was born, blogs didn't exist....or I guess they probably existed somewhere. I started to write B a letter that I added to sometimes. I'm sure I have it around somewhere. As I read the blogs of so many moms doing a wonderful job of chronicling their kids life, I wish I had done that for B (and H). So much to tell them and so many memories I wish I had written down. Hopefully, some of those memories will come out as I add to this blog.

Bye for now -

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick

March

I'm starting to think maybe I will just do a monthly post and call it what it is - whatever month we're in.  Here we are winding dow...