Observations

Things I keep meaning to 'blog':

H. bought two new hats which he wears constantly. AND, to my amazement and complete disapproval, he has left the tag on the bill of the cap - the 'gold medallion' sticker that shows the hat size is STILL on the hat. He told me 'everybody leaves them on' and I didn't believe him until we were at the mall recently and J. pointed out another kid sitting near us with the 'size' sticker still on his hat. What's with that? I don't get it AT ALL - when did marketing stickers become fashion statements?

Kids apparently, literally become 'teenagers' over night. The transition with B. seemed more subtle. But with H., it has been like 'overnight'. We (his parents) are idiots. He gives us looks and uses tones that come out of nowhere. Yikes. We have two in the house now and I hope we survive it.

We enjoyed a delicious dinner in San Francisco yesterday at Scala's Bistro on Powell Street. It was very good and wonderful ambiance. An added treat was my sister K. and my niece H. who were in the city for a(nother) post-trial trip. Every time they prevail in a big trial, their boss takes them on a trip. They've been to SF twice in the past 6 1/2 months, and I've seen my sister K. 3 times in the past 14 months, which is a record. It was a lot of fun. AND, I had an 'excuse' to shop in SF so I made my way through the massive crowds and went to Nordstrom. Scored a Dooney & Bourke tote bag for 33% off. Used the gift cards I received as one of my parting gift from the college and two gift cards given to me by friends. It's a cool bag and I LOVE IT. Great find at a great price. A stop at Sephora for Evian spray water for Fofy (our miniature parrot). No, she's not spoiled. Honest, she's not. (Ok, she is....). She loves to be 'spritzed' with water and Evian seems to soothe her (literally) ruffled feathers better than anything else.

OK - back to the dinner. H. sat next to me and seemed lost in terms of what utensils were his, which water glass was his. It was enough to make me consider getting a Miss Manners video - we go out A LOT and to some pretty nice places - so I was surprised to realize that he wasn't sure what to do. But he did fine. The Caesar salad was served with the Romaine leaves un-cut and you'd have thought they had just put a plate of turnips in front of him. Practically had to teach him to cut his food. The desserts were AMAZING and delicious and thankfully, we all 'shared' so we got to taste a bit of everything. I am going to teach myself to make pomegranate sorbet in 2007 - one of my more 'fun' resolutions.

As another resolution, J. and I took both dogs on a nice walk this morning. Spent a bit of time in the park letting them sniff and explore and run around and then walked some more. They were tuckered out when we returned home and we HOPE to do this more often. I am hoping to get up early - like I was commuting to Livermore - only then not commute - and use the 'extra' time for some exercise. Hoping J. will join me, but trying to leave it up to him. But I hope he will. REALLY hope. (J., please do). We both need the movement in our lives.

I worked 1/2 day on Thursday. There wasn't much to do since the furniture for my office isn't here yet - in fact, it hasn't even been ordered yet. So I'm making do with an old desk and a couple old tables. Will be 4-6 weeks before my 'real' stuff arrives. On a good note, though, I will be able to select it myself which is good 'cuz I don't really care for the dark mahogany finish that the other folks seemed to have selected. So I'm kind of glad I can pick out what I like and make the layout what will work better for me. Start officially on Tuesday and I'm excited about the 'newness' of everything. Folks seem nice so far and everyone seemed glad to meet me and glad they have a 'permanent' CBO.

J. took down all the Christmas decorations today. The tree was sawed in half so the city will pick it up this week. The outside decorations are down and boxed though not back in the rafters of the garage yet. But a lot of progress was made. The 'old' desktop computer in my corner of the study was finally 'retired' and moved out of the study. I spent a good part of the day sorting through things on my desk and filing, etc. Also scrubbed the kitchen floors yesterday with the new carpet shampooer/floor cleaner. They look GREAT and tomorrow, I'm doing the family room floors. Also putting away Christmas gifts, etc. AND I still have some cards to get in the mail. My 'holiday' cards are almost always 'new years' cards. Oh well. I try. Some years I think I won't even send them, but then I enjoy getting the cards and updates we get from people, so then I want to send out our holiday greetings.

That's it for now. We're all looking forward to the 'New Year'.

Silence

The church services were lovely and while they extended our 'evening' into the post-midnight hour, it was worth it. After communion, they handed out candles (with protective plastic around the base). Every row had a starter candle from the advent candle (Christ candle) and all the candles were lit. They dimmed the lights and we sang Silent Night. That song took on a whole new meaning with the church dim and only lit by candlelight. It was so beautiful.

We headed out to look at lights, stopped by Starbucks for something warm and found them closed (Buggers!). Thankfully, there's a JITB (Jack in the Box) nearby and the kids were just as happy with milkshakes - yes, I know. It's FREEZING outside - who wants ice cream?? - but they did so that was their 'treat' while looking at lights. Headed home for the Santa Clause watching and got the kids upstairs (protesting) around 11ish. J. and I made a dozen trips up and down the stairs to 'load' the tree.

The boys synchronized their cell phones last night and set the alarms to go off at 7:29 precisely. They headed into the stocking room and that kept them busy until I got up at 8:15. We opened gifts until 9. The boys were surprised and happy with the new computer for their 'rec room' -
(formerly known as the play room but they are too old for that designation now) and THRILLED with the PS3 hidden in the entry closet. I used the 'better get out the vacuum' ruse and opened the closet, pulled out the FINAL package and that's when the actual jumping for joy began. It was in use upstairs within 30 minutes and they love it. Thank goodness for eBay and no, I did not pay an arm and a leg for it. Paid pretty much what I would have paid in the store - the only 'extra' expense was the shipping from Texas, which I happily paid to get it here by Christmas. eBay (for all it's faults and there are many) is pretty amazing in that you CAN actually find anything you want. J. and I decided that we were willing to pay 'up to' an amount that would offset the months of waiting and watching and looking for one in the stores. Got it for less than our 'threshold' and made two teenagers ecstatically happy and the envy of the entire neighborhood.

The blackberry pie is in the oven. The French Silk pie is thawing. Will have dinner (ham, augratin potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes - yes, that's a lot of potatoes but the kids LOVE my sweet potatoes and we only have them for holiday dinners), cresent rolls and pie. Lots of sparking cider and wine will be consumed.

Chloe and Dani each got a new fuzzy blanket, a smaller 'weiner dog' toy and another 'flat' toy. PetsMart finally figured out that most dogs chew all the fluffy stuffing out of the toys within an hour anyway - so now they sell them without the 'innards'. Saves us having to clean it up and less risky for choking, etc. They are in 'dog' heaven, curled up with their 'loot' all snuggly in their new blankets. Too cute.

Hoping your day is merry and filled with family and love, like mine.

Excited

The exitement of the 'big day' is in the air. I ran my last list of errands this morning, including grocery shopping and a trip to Starbucks for gift cards for the boys. I paid for the women in front of me who was frantically looking for her Starbucks card. I handed the clerk my card and said 'Happy Holidays. Consider this a random act of kindness and I hope you will pass it on'. She was shocked and thanked me. It was fun.

Also bought a space heater for 'my' room, which is the coldest room in the house during the winter and the hottest room in the house in the summer. It isn't 'ducted' very well and it shows. Wrapping gifts in their last night was challenging - even moving around a lot left me numbingly cold. So a small 'safe' electric heater will help take the chill off the room.

We will attend Christmas eve services this evening, drive around looking at lights, come home to watch "The Santa Clause" with hot chocolate and TRY to get the kids in their rooms for the night (I've given up on getting them to actually sleep) as early as possible. Thankfully, we have wrapped much of what needs to go under the tree already and I am heading upstairs shortly for more wrapping. I was determined to NOT be wrapping until the wee hours of Christmas morning as we have the past couple years - and we made a lot of progress last night so we are 'on track' for having it all wrapped. All we'll need to do is put it under the tree, which the boys are still insisting MUST be out of their sight so they have the big Christmas morning IMPACT of seeing all the gifts.

Hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday and enjoy some family togetherness.

Holidays

J. took the kids and two of their friends snowboarding today. I have the day to myself, if you call being at the mercy of two dogs 'to myself'. The storm that passed through yesterday has left the backyard a soggy, cold mess and the dogs are very reluctant to venture forth into the wet, soggy yard to do their business. Sitting out on a patio chair in my nightgown, with my Crocs on waiting for them to get it done is not how I pictured my day. I think they have completed their AM routine for now so am preparing to head out (again) to finish up some shopping.

Note to self: don't give notice to your job the Friday before Thanksgiving and then spend the next 4 weeks attempting to finish up work related stuff and basically just brain-fade on the fact that CHRISTMAS is just around the corner. My siblings presents aren't in the mail yet and won't be until tomorrow, it looks like. So they will be late. Apologies will be sent via email this evening. My sister K. is coming to San Fran so her presents (and those my niece who will also be in San Fran) will be hand delivered. The time has just flown by and I am behind, behind, BEHIND on everything related to Christmas. I have no idea what the status is for J's family since technically, he takes care of his and I take care of mine. We will be out and about tomorrow and Sunday, no doubt, finishing things up.

Thankfully, the desire to snow board got the kids to get in gear and the house looks relatively OK. A lot of deliveries have been made and are waiting to be opened and/or wrapped (since I did a lot of online shopping this year) and I will work on that today before the kids get home from the slopes.

I had lunch with my friend N. yesterday - a former coworker who is also a great friend. I am old enough to be her mother - a thought that still boggles my mind. She reminds me what it's like to be young and madly in love and planning a life. She and her fiance will be married in about 10months and she is in the midst of planning the wedding and finishing up her Sr. year at college. She is a very smart, fun, sweet young lady and I am blessed to have gotten to know her. Without her, I wouldn't appreciate the lyrics to the song 'Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off' since before knowing N., I had no idea what Petrone was. NOW I do. J. and I are planning to do a shot (maybe 1/2 a shot) of Petrone on New Years eve in celebration of all the things to come. Since we don't drink much, it is likely we will do the shot just before we want to head to bed 'cuz it will probably knock us both on our asses and J. will be HOPING the words to the song COME TRUE 'cuz he's a guy and he's ALWAYS hoping my clothes will fall off.

Gone

This is my 100th post! Somewhat of a milestone, which I seem to be having many of lately.

So, I've officially 'left' my job. I drove up to the PE building to clean out my locker, and drove back down by my building and asked my cow-orker (inside joke) N. to meet me in the parking lot so I could give her my keys and my parking pass to give to my boss. No point in going back in the building. BUT N. had a 'committee' waiting for me so I got the official 'send off'. Waves, thumbs up, etc. It was sweet.

I thought I'd feel a huge sense of relief upon leaving the parking lot. To have finally DONE IT - and be officially 'gone'. But I don't. I just feel sad. Very sad. Like I left a part of my soul behind and I'll never, ever get it back.

It didn't help that my boss left the door 'open' - WIDE, HOPEFULLY, OPEN - to return there someday in the not too distant future. And I'm grateful for that - grateful that he said I'll always have a 'home' there. But I worry that having that 'possibility' in my mind, combined with missing that place and those people SO much will make me being happy at the new place impossible. I mean, I have to go there with excitement and desire to do well...and if I have the 'out', I worry that I won't be 'all there'. I have to think that through over the next few weeks. To be sure that I walk in the door ready to 'be' as successful and happy at my 'new' job as I was at my old. I don't want to NOT be successful there. But I am open to being sure that I AM really, truly HAPPY at the new place and if I'm not, then returning to my college job wouldn't be a bad thing. I left on very good terms. Got a glowing 'exit' interview/final review. Acknowledging that I am leaving for a better opportunity; that I gave plenty of notice; that my boss knew I was applying and was supportive of my pursuing the new job. It was a 'good' exit. So I can go back there if I'm not happy at the new place.

I am ready for something 'new'. And for new challenges. And new opportunities. And no commute. I am ready. I want to be at the new place. Even if my heart is missing the old place.

I am officially on vacation now for a little over a week. Can't wait for sleeping in, Christmas, time with the boys and J. and just time OFF. Let the holidays begin!

Loved

Over the past week, my college has said goodbye to me in so many amazing ways. Today, there was a potluck in my honor. AT LEAST 75 people showed up, including many folks from our district office who stepped away from their busy, busy days to say goodbye. I am so incredibly touched and overwhelmed. I was honored by my 2nd standing ovation in a week. UNBELIEVABLE. I can't begin to describe how amazing it feels to have so many people thank you and tell you how much they will miss you. The President called me a 'treasure'. One retired VP returned for the party and said 'they will never replace you. YOU are just not replaceable'. It was such an amazing day and I am so 'in love' with that place and those people. Really, 'in love' is the only feeling to describe it. Their genuine outpouring of loss and sadness and yet also being so genuinely happy for me is just a once in a lifetime experience. I have NEVER had so much 'thanks' and appreciation in my life and honestly, I don't think I ever will again. It has felt like a 'once-in-a-lifetime' moment, every moment of every day this week.

I have felt more overwhelmed and exhausted in the past week than ever in my life. Yesterday, because of an 'event' which I cannot discuss in a public forum, I ended up leaving mid-day. Just too overwhelmed and sad about leaving to be there one more minute. Called my boss on his cell phone and told him that I really didn't think me sitting at my desk sobbing was a 'good thing' so if it was OK with him, I was going to head home. Hoping that a nap and a good cry would help. There was a good cry but alas, no nap. And no good night's sleep, either. The zillion things I want to get 'done' before I leave there ran through my head all night long. I sort of 'dozed' off and on but know I was not actually 'sleeping'. Was too wound up. Headed in this morning and buckled down and did get a lot done on my list. But I also had a long conversation with my boss (via email, where we, frankly, have our best conversations) where I explained that my instinct is to keep trying to get stuff done. But my 'job' isn't the kind of job that is ever, really DONE and it is affecting me in ways I don't think are healthy. I mean, we could drag this out forever and the work would still never be done - so while we could throw more days at it next week, I didn't think I wanted to do that. So we agreed that Tuesday is it. I will work Monday and part of Tuesday and then leave. Finally. Turn in my keys, parking permit, etc. and exit the building. Most likely for forever. I will cry (again/more). My boss will cry (again/more). Yes, my boss, the kindest, most amazing man I've ever known - next to the man I'm married to - has cried because I'm leaving. And today, after he gave another heartwarming speech in my honor, filled with his amazing sense of humor and laughter, he cried and hugged me tightly and whispered 'I love you' to me. And I told him 'I love you, too'. And I do. And he does. Not in any 'inappropriate' marriage-risking way. But I do love him. He has impacted my life in so many incredible ways. He gave me a chance to 'choose' something different for my life and for my career path and my new job is only and completely possible because he hired me and gave me his confidence to 'take the ball and run with it' when I arrived there. Making such a 'difference' there has made me want to choose to do more. To be more. I would have loved to be an administrator at the college - but that won't happen for a long, long time, if ever. So I had to make a 'leap of faith' and leave somewhere I am completely, totally happy to be and move to somewhere I am 'new' and 'unproven' and 'different'. But there is no reward without risk. Everyone said 'they are so lucky to get you' and 'they will love you like we love you in a very short time'.

I hope they're right. It is hard to leave such a wonderful place. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done. To walk away from such a magical place into such an 'unknown'. But I've dared to reinvent myself before. And I can't stop now.

Onward. One day at a time. And I have LPC in my heart so I am not alone. Never alone.

You touched my heart, you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
- James Blunt

Nick

at Night is running a 'That Girl' marathon this weekend. I LOVE this show - one of my favorites from my childhood.

I couldn't help but notice that Ann serves a lot of coffee - and she always has a different, really nice china set to use. How does one single girl - a supposedly 'starving actress' in the late 60's end up with so many coffee serving sets?

And they played the episode where Donald finally (FINALLY) asks Ann to marry him and I had J. watch it - when Ann 'reacts' to the engagement, I told him that's what girls are SUPPOSED to react like when they've been proposed to. THAT EPISODE is what I dreamed about all my life for my engagement experience.

Our engagement was lovely and I wouldn't trade it for anything 'cuz it ended beautifully. And having watched that episode twice this weekend, I admit it's a 'hard act' to follow. I mean, the 4 year buildup to that moment is what created that moment of 'relief' and joy for Ann. I'm grateful I didn't have to wait that long for my 'moment'. Just 12 months. And then 6 months to the wedding. Which seemed very fast for J. And seemed incredibly 'long' to me, at the time. Thank goodness I didn't have to wait the 4 years Ann had to wait. I wouldn't have made it that long.

Wild

Wild, wild week. Busy. Exhilarating. Challenging. Sad. Happy.

Let's see - where to start. We had busy days with jobs and school and busy evenings with kids and church. I'll try to hit the highlights documented here for all eternity.

Wednesday evening, we attended a meeting at church about the kids being confirmed. Classes start in January. For H. (8th grade), classes are every Wednesday for 3 hours and every Sunday for 1.25. WOW. But he will be confirmed in May, 2007. B. got off easy - there are only a couple high school students that are wanting to be confirmed so the pastor is allowing them to attend the 'adult' class - one Friday evening and one Saturday. That's it. Guess they figure if the young men are coming to church every weekend, they don't need as much 'book lessons' as the younger kids? Anyway, that's the plan. Makes no sense to me in terms of the difference between the 'kid' confirmation process and the 'adult' confirmation process...but a lot of things about this church often don't make sense and it all works out OK. The new pastor is great but I get the feeling that he's wanting/trying to 'change' things - he talks in very broad terms and things don't feel really 'nailed down' procedurally. But it's been fine and we have no reason to think it won't work out. We like the new pastor a lot and he seems very 'impressed' with the boys. So that's nice to hear.

On Wednesday, we had our regularly scheduled Town Meeting - first Wednesday of every month. Mandatory attendance for faculty and staff. And my boss came out into the audience with a microphone, stood near my chair, took my hand and said 'follow me up on stage'. He then told folks that as they knew from his email, I was leaving - moving onto my new role as CBO in my kids district. He said that when they went out for my position, they were looking for someone who was good with numbers and proficient in many things. And he said 'and what we found was Mindy, who has done such a wonderful job for all of us. So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank her and to have all of you join me in thanking her'. And the entire auditorium of people stood up and gave me a standing ovation. It was so amazing. I was so overwhelmed. I put my hand over my mouth for a bit and then over my face for a bit - and I cried. And then I composed myself and took the microphone from him and said 'thank you for making my 4 1/2 years here so amazing. I will miss all of you very much and I'm sorry to be leaving - but it IS a really great job and it's TWO MILES FROM MY HOUSE'. And I thanked everyone again and then said 'and I have a couple 'parting gifts' I'd like to give out'. And I had put backstage (good planning, huh?) a box which held hard hats. And I explained that recently, my boss had tasked me with finding hard hats 'cuz we have an acute shortage. And we're going to have a lot of new buildings (one is almost finished and doing the walk throughs is what highlighted the hard hat shortage) and we needed more. So I pulled out bright pink hard hats for our 3 female Senior administrators and presented them to the 3 of them. And everyone loved them! And then I said 'but Bob is way too cool for an ordinary hard hat'. And I pulled out a Stetson hard hat - tan color. And the place went nuts. And THEN I pulled out a 2nd one, gray, and explained 'he needs two colors to match his suits'. Bob gave me a gigantic hug and a kiss on the forehead and said 'I'll miss you'. And I know he will. And I will miss him and everyone. It is honestly such an amazing place to work. The whole Town Meeting experience made me sad all over again - but I reminded myself over the rest of the week that there will be a lot of changes there in the next year and who knows what it will be like going forward? And I have a new group of really neat people to get to know - and if I end up hating my new job (which isn't likely), I will still be only a few minutes from home and only have 9 years to work. I can do anything for 9 years.

And the winding down continues - one week left. I have so much to do. I am planning to work tomorrow. And may even work next weekend, 'after' my official last day but that's just less vacation time I'll have to dock for my time off the week of the 18th. And I am really, REALLY trying to get things nailed down before I leave. I made a lot of progress this week and will get a lot more done in the upcoming days. I hope.

Thursday was quite an adventure. I had some tests at UCSF Medical Center - so I got up at 4AM to do the 'prep' (I'll spare you the details), left the house at 6, got to BART in Pleasanton around 7:15, was on the train into the city by 7:30, in the city hailing a cab by 8:14 and at the office (via cab) by 8:30. The cab ride was 'wild' as most cab rides are - I didn't look out the front window at all - I just stared out the sides. I had to argue with the driver that the building he was trying to drop me at was NOT the address I had given him. Thank goodness I had a map and had just looked at a street sign and knew I was on Sutter Street, not Post. So finally got there. Checked in and was in the waiting room when the fire alarms went off. The receptionist was very nice and said 'Mrs. M., I know this is a drill so technically, I can leave you here. But the alarm is really loud so if you'd like to evacuate with us, please follow me'. And I had a nice 'coffee break' out on Post street with the entire office of people - including the RN who was assisting with my procedure, so we had a brief 'consult' out on the sidewalk.

The procedures went well. I was amazed and a bit relieved to find out that a LOT of women have the kind of issues I've been having. And I was amazed to see what they can 'do' in terms of assessing the workings of a persons 'poop functions'. Incredible. Good thing I gave up being modest upon having children. And while surgery is almost always what most OB/GYNs recommend, it is not the 'only' approach. The RN spent more time talking to me about my issues, and 'poop' in general and I got some good information and things to try to help the situation. AND the tests supported the no surgery approach - the muscles that the surgeon says are torn are actually intact and fine, though there are issues, created by childbirth and the two corrective surgeries I had last year. But they are in 'working order' and the Dr. at UCSF said she really didn't think a third surgery was going to make the situation that much better. So she sort of recommended against it but we'll see what the surgeon says when I see him on the 20th. I have a new fiber to try - very expensive but has twice as much of the kind of fiber I need as the cheaper, more commonly known brands. And I will be trying (still, always, forever, again) to modify my diet more. Seems like my entire life revolves around pooping (or not pooping, depending on the day). And I need to 'relearn' how to poop. To give myself plenty of time, not rush, etc. Fun, huh? So the no commute will be a big help - get up at my 'usual' time (6ish or earlier depending on when I wake up) and then have breakfast and give my system time to 'work'. Which I don't do enough now 'cuz I'm rushing out the door between 6:30 and 7 to get to to work in Livermore.

I'm glad to have the 'testing' over with. So many appointments all over the bay area. The nice thing though, was an excuse to visit San Francisco. I got to visit J. at work, meet some of his coworkers, see his office (really COOL set up and furniture and a nice 'look'. Really modern - IKEA like. I loved it!) and I also shopped a bit for some Christmas gifts at L'Occitane. Could have spent a FORTUNE there. But used restraint. J. called to say he was in a meeting and I told him 'call me back when you're done but you'd better hurry 'cuz the longer you take, the more it's going to cost us'.

I love SF. LOVE IT. And I think my introduction to cabs will free up my desire to go there more often. BART is so great and there are so many places to go - and it's all do-able with cabs. Call 415-333-3333 and a yellow cab will be there within two minutes. AND THEY ARE THERE IN TWO MINUTES and they call your cell phone to tell you your cab is here. And there it is! Great! If I could just get over the 'control freak' in me that can't handle not being behind the wheel. They are a scary bunch of drivers but they manage to get a lot of people to and from. So cabs it is!
We may take BART into the city for dinner with my sister and just take a cab to the restaurant. And maybe take a cab or two to shop a bit. LOVE post-Christmas shopping ESPECIALLY in San Francisco.

Got home after an exhausting day - needed a nap. But resisted 'cuz we didn't have any plans that evening (for the first time in a few nights) and then decided to take Dani to the vet - she was having 'issues' and it turns out she's got a cracked (down to the gum) back tooth that needs to come out. But they wanted to redo all the bloodwork, etc. (which came back fine - $250 worth of fine) before scheduling the procedure (planned now for the Friday before Christmas). So I took her in and on the way there, H. reminded me that he had to be back at school for his Winter Performance. I won't repeat the profanity that came out of my mouth. H. said 'nice, Mom'. I said 'sorry, Hunky (that's one of my many nicknames for him), but I'm really tired and Dad said we had NO plans for tonight and that's apparently not correct. So we leave Dani there while they do bloodwork and get an updated chest xray - then have J. pick her up on his way home while I got H. ready to go and out the door. Met H. & B. at school - B. saved seats (it's sure nice to live close enough to school that they can walk there) and waited for J. In the mean time, the vet called to say the xray machine was broken and they couldn't get the xrays. So I had to call J. to tell him to be sure NOT to pay for them. And that was a smart move 'cuz now we can wait awhile - why pay $200 more if we can wait on that. I crashed into bed around 9:30 and don't think I moved an inch until 4. Then dozed until 6.

So, that was the week. Received my first (and probably last, ever) standing ovation - how many jobs on the planet do you get a crowd of people giving you a standing ovation? And they're having a huge party for me next Thursday - that will be a pot luck lunch which I'm sure will be lots of fun!

Heading up to bed shortly. I need to catch up on some sleep.

Weekend activities to include: trimming the 12 foot Noble Fir in our living room. Wrapping some gifts. Shopping for more gifts. Getting cards ready. Tidying up the house. Assorted laundry. Etc.

Stay warm. It's stormy here. Cold, windy and a bit of rain.

Secret

I'm going to tell you a secret (or two). Maybe 3.

Driving home tonight, the moon was bright and huge. A full moon and bright enough to make the car lights and street lights look dim.

When I was little, I thought the 'face' on the moon -the man in the moon - was my dad. I always felt it was all going to be OK 'cuz he was up there watching out for us - for me. I still had that feeling of safeness on the way home tonight, looking at the bright moon.

I also dreamed that I had the Pillsbury dough boy and Dumbo the Flying Elephant in a shoe box under my bed. They were my 'best friends'. Cute and fun and completely happy to stay under the bed until I was ready to bring them out to play.

And, I dreamed I could fly all the time when I was a kid. Pretty much every night. I would take a running start and just lift off and while all my friends and my little sister were on the ground playing tag, I was playing tag in the air. I would zoom around watching them though they (oddly) never seemed to notice I was flying.

Lastly - my dad would frequently come visit us (me and my little sister) in our room after he died. He would always sit at the foot of my sister's bed - never mine. I guess 'cuz he knew I was awake? Anyway, he would sit there and watch us for awhile. He didn't really look like himself - he was a 'spirit' - white, and sort of 'lumpy'. I was terrified. But I would wait quietly while he sat there. He would never approach me but he would sit for awhile - or stand in the doorway. One night, he waved at me as he left - and then he didn't come back anymore. Which I was fine with because while I missed him, I was scared and really didn't want to 'see' him like that. I've always felt a little guilty about that - that I was so afraid of him. But he was a ghost and it's pretty hard not to be afraid of a ghost.

Strange the things you remember from when you were young.

Found

Today at church, a woman and her family sat in front of us. At the beginning of the service, when we all greet those around us, when she shook my hand, I recognized her. I waited until after the service when I tapped her on the shoulder and said 'excuse me, but are you Wendy?' And she said yes - and when I said 'I'm Mindy' she gave me the biggest hug. She and I worked together at my old corporate employer many, MANY years ago. We lost touch after she had a baby and quit working. I knew she and her (then) husband lived in Tracy and kept hoping to run into her. I've searched in the phone directory for her; driven by her address (not too far from our house). No luck. Learned today that I couldn't find her 'cuz she and her first husband got divorced and she's remarried. We are planning to meet for lunch one day during the break - it was so great to see her. She looks just the same and since the birth of her son (she almost died during childbirth and she can't have any more children as a result) has adopted a beautiful little girl. She's remarried to (by all appearances) a really sweet guy - he had his arm around her shoulders all during the services and I thought that was so sweet - and still living in Tracy. She's a stay at home mom. I'm really looking forward to catching up with her - she was a really good friend and we both commented how we were so sorry we lost touch.

AND our church has changed their policy of allowing only 'members' to take Communion - guess they realized that any Christian who's been baptized and confirmed in any Christian church should be allowed to participate - so today, for the first time in almost 20 years, I took Communion. So did J. The kids are also starting confirmation classes there this week and hope to be confirmed soon, though it will be a year or so before they will be able to participate. We still love the church and are really enjoying the new pastor. He's in his early 40s and is really 'cool' and we like him a lot. They interspersed Christmas music throughout the service since it's the first weekend of Advent.

We then went to Ace Hardware and bought our Christmas tree - a 10 foot Noble Fir. Beautiful and HUGE - but it's safely in the house and we will put lights on it this week after the fire retardent dries. We have decided to do all white lights this year - and then resisted the urge to spend another $60 on white and gold ornaments. Maybe next year we'll get ornaments to do a 'theme' tree.

We have a very busy week - Wednesday night we attend the kids confirmation meeting, Thursday night is H's school holiday performance. Thursday AM I have to be in San Francisco at UCSF medical center by 9AM for a test - THAT will be fun. Have to leave the house by 6 to get to BART in time to get to SF then take a Muni train to the hospital. The surgery will now be postponed indefinitely since my change in jobs makes taking time 'off' problematic. I figure I've lived with these 'issues' for a long time so I can probably manage another year. I will meet with the surgeon on the 20th just to see what he thinks about the test results and then we'll start making plan B since plan A is officially on hiatus.

Work is crazy. I sort of regret giving so much notice - not that I don't want to be helpful and get as much done as I can. But because on Friday afternoon, I realized that the work is still pouring in and there will be no 'I'm done' point in this transition. I have a list of things I absolutely, POSITIVELY must get done before I leave - after that, I'll just make folders, type notes and leave it for my coworker and boss to deal with. I can't get everything done - no way. I worked several 12 hour days this past week and felt the exhaustion in my bones. I can't do that for the next two weeks. Well, I could. But I'm not going to. They will muddle through without me. It will not be 'pretty' nor seamless. I have agreed to stay on email for awhile to help answer questions, etc. But at some point, the ties will be cut and I will have officially moved on. I will be meeting with the consulting company that has been hired to write a new job description for my job. Not sure I want to be involved with that process since the last project this company did for our district is what sent me 'over the edge' into 'officially looking for a new job'. Makes me sad to think about it and I don't really have anything constructive/positive to say. But I will try to give a description of what I am doing vs. what my job description defines what I'm paid to do and hope they come up with something more appropriate.

Two more weeks until my vacation. Can't wait. Have no 'plans' other than the usual holiday stuff - and can't wait to sleep in for days on end.

Thanks

Typical Thanksgiving. Have been cleaning and/or cooking non-stop since 8 AM this morning. The dishwasher has run no less than 7 times so far - with at least one more load to go to get all the crystal wine and water glasses washed and put away.

It was a smashing success and we gave away so many leftovers to the two single men attending that I will probably need to cook more tomorrow for us to have leftovers. But that's OK. It was delicious and filling and I am most thankful for the fact that this holiday comes once per year.

Nov. 21st was the 40th anniversary of my dad's death. Today (Thanksgiving Day) is my mother's birthday. November is a hard month for me and this November has been no exception. The 40th anniversary of the day that changed my life FOREVER is staggering to me this year for some reason.

I don't remember my dad much since I was only 6 when he died. I have a few memories of 'events' but no real memories of HIM - what he was like, what he looked like or sounded like. In talking more to my older sister this past year, though, I realize his death was much harder for her. She was a teenager when he died so she has lots of memories. She 'misses' him more than I do since she had more time to create memories with him and to really know him. And I'm getting to 'know' him a bit more through talking to her which has been really good for me. She said he always made sure he spent time with each of us every evening. I don't remember that but I know from her that he loved us very, very much. I wish I had known him better.

I wonder sometimes what our lives would have been like if he had lived. My mom would have stayed a 'traditional' stay at home mom. She would have been much, much happier and (to me and my little sister) a much 'better' mom. As it was, she was pretty much a shattered mess for most of my childhood and being 'happy' wasn't in her vocabulary. Still, she did a pretty darn amazing job of raising us and I'm grateful to her for that.

The dogs were miraculously perfect angels today. They didn't make a single bark toward our guests. Perhaps it was because they were out for a walk when all the company arrived so they didn't feel 'invaded'? Not sure but their NOT barking was a rare and wonderful thing. They stayed 'out' all day, running around downstairs and there wasn't a single accident - also a miracle. They are now wrestling in the study while I type this - we keep thinking they'll crash soon but they don't seem to be inclined to rest anytime soon. But I am heading upstairs for the night shortly. Glad the day was a success and admittedly, also glad it's over for another year.

Oh, and yesterday was Dani dog's 5th birthday. We celebrated by giving her one of the 'weiner dogs' from the Petsmart commercial which (like in the commercial) she carries with her off and on throughout the day. Too cute. Chloe got a pink one just like it - it's almost longer than she is. A new favorite 'game' is for the dogs to each have their weiner dog and one of the kids to be in the middle holding onto the weiners while the dogs wrestle them out of the kids hands. Too cute. We keep saying 'you really shouldn't eat your own kind' as they carry them around - but it really is cute.

I'm thankful for my family, for my new job and for my amazingly blessed life. I'm especially thankful for my friendship with my sister K. and for my husband J. who is my best friend and my 'love'. I am very blessed and I think knowing that is the thing I'm most thankful for.

Riding

Yesterday, we let B. drive us to the mall for dinner. And then today, I had him drive me to the hardware store to buy more mouse traps. Seems the 'traps' that are working the best are the 'sticky' traps - I had been against using them because I think they're inhumane - but the sneaky, smart mice didn't even consider entering the 'more' humane 'quick kill' traps we spent oodles of $$ on. They ARE landing on the sticky traps - so that's what we're using. They are still partying in the garage and I don't like hearing them through the walls in the study during the wee hours of the morning - so off to Ace we went to stock up on the sticky traps with peanut butter scent.

B. is doing a great job driving. He starts a little too quickly - jerks a bit when he accelerates. And he slows at times which make no sense to me - but he's being careful and paying attention. Following the speed limits, being careful about changing lanes, etc. So he's doing well and I only had to grab on to the hand hold once - he turned way too close to the curb for my comfort. Not too bad. I don't mind having him drive. He's going to take me to Costco first thing Wednesday to pick up the pies and flowers for Thanksgiving.

I used an hour of my life taking H. back to the mall this evening to search for jeans. Seems B.'s hand-me-downs are no longer acceptable attire and he has no long pants to wear. He wore shorts - long beachcomber shorts - to church this morning - against my preference but he did wear a collared shirt so there wasn't much else he could do. So I took him to Penney's where we spent close to an hour trying on pair after pair. Same size, same brand, different style fit completley different so we went back and forth a zillion times. Finally able to find 4 pairs that should get him through the winter. I hope 'cuz I don't want to have to look for any more attire for awhile.

We went to church this morning - the new official pastor is there now - this was his 2nd week. He is really great - fairly young, very passionate about his church and his faith. He has a great sense of humor and uses lots of 'visual aids' to get the message across. AND, it seems the church has 'relaxed' it's stance on who can take Communion and now, since J. and I are baptized and confirmed as Christians (me as a Catholic, now lapsed since I wasn't married in the church) and J. as a Lutheran (and it's a Lutheran church we're attending) we CAN now take Communion. And I'm really glad about that. Really, really glad. On Dec. 6th, we're attending an informational meeting for the boys to be confirmed. That will be nice. We are planning to attend the Thanksgiving Eve service as well and feel right 'at home' again at this church. It was a little strange when they were searching for the pastor - had at least one pastor fail to 'answer the call' and so we sort of waited until the church council found the right pastor. We think they really have. He's great.

I am past the constantly weepy stage of my adjustment to the realization I will have a 'new 'job. Getting more and more excited. I will meet with the HR director on the 28th to get the contract and benefit info. I hope my boss will help me 'review' the contract since I've never been an administrator in education before and I won't know what I should look for. I'm sure it will be fine. There's a part of me that sort of wishes I hadn't given quite so much 'notice' - it would have been nice to have three or more weeks off between jobs. But the two weeks I'll have will be plenty.

And to whomever it was that gave such great references to my new boss, thanks.

Success

The job is mine. Was called by the district superintendent Thursday and invited to meet with him one on one to discuss the job. Turns out it couldn't be any better - they know what they're getting, are arranging to invest time and get help (an interim CBO) to train me and feel they are making an investment in their district's future by ensuring I have the tools and training I need to be a long-term, successful CBO. I am honored. Humbled. And thrilled. The $$ is good, the opportunity is phenomenal and I accepted. On the spot. Which I didn't plan to do. I PLANNED to ask for a couple days to think about it. But it was just so right. It just felt like where I was supposed to be so I said yes.

Which I think is why I am now having a huge amount of 'cognitive dissonance' - aka 'buyer's remorse'. I KNOW I made the right decision. I know it. My head is fine with all of it. But my heart is a mess. I woke up at 3AM yesterday morning, typed my letter of resignation and started crying. Cried (sobbed, really) all the way to work. Met with my boss at 9AM and cried some more. He seemed resigned to my departure - and suggested that he would rather the other district (my new district) be the ones to pay for my winter break time. He quickly backed down when I reminded him that my motivation for wanting to stay on my current district's books had more to do with insurance than who paid for the time off. So he said OK. He also said 'it's just really bad timing'. I had no reply for that - since none of these events should come as any surprise to him and because there would NEVER be a right time. Ever. He remained quiet for the remainder of the day - though he did send out an amazing email to the entire college community advising them I was leaving. Which opened the floodgates of a day spent accepting congratualtions, teary people telling me they weren't sure how the college will survive without me. Flattering but I know it's not true. The college will go on quite nicely. They will find 'another' Majah and s/he will be good and life will move on. And that Majah will be in a job with a much loftier title, making way more money than I did - and I know that will be happening, expect it to happen and am fine with it. Whatever. Had I stayed, that 'new' job might have been mine - but I'm not waiting around to find out. I've waited. I've been patient. I'm moving on.

So now I've been listening to songs over and over and over - which is what I do to work things through. "Not Ready to Make Nice" is the current fave. So is "Goodbye My Lover" - (don't read ANYTHING into that title) - I am leaving a lot of really amazing friends - and that song is all about leaving someone you love - which is how I feel. Everyone who works at the college is like my family - deeply loved family. And it is tearing my heart out to leave. I am just so sad. Really, really sad. And then I get excited. And then I get sad, again. And it's been like that from Thursday afternoon on. My eyes are a puffy, swollen, dreary mess. I am exhausted from crying. Usually, I just have a good cry and I'm done. Not this - not now. I can cry seemingly at the drop of a hat and can't seem to 'stop' my emotions from overwhelming my logic. I'd blame it on hormones but I know it's just me.

Thankfully, we are hosting Thanksgiving here in a few days and there's plenty to do to keep me busy. Life moves on. I have 4 weeks left, 2 weeks off and then I start my new 'life' - new job, no commute and a lot of new things to learn. 2007's going to be a very good year.

I'm not ready to make nice.
I'm not ready to back down.
I'm still mad as hell
and I don't have time
To go round and round and round.
It's too late to make it right.
I probably wouldn't if I could.
I'm just mad as hell and I don't have time
To do what it is you think I should.

- Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks

Check

below. New post that was in 'draft' stage for awhile.

Interview

Went well. Going back for level 2 in a half hour - with the Board. YIKES. I'll keep you posted. The HR manager said she would call me on my cell phone to tell me if I should come back - so I went and sat in the Albertson's parking lot for 1/2 hour because my cell phone doesn't get very good reception at home sometimes and I didn't want to risk missing her call. So on to phase 2. Haven't had dinner yet since I'm too nervous to eat.

Bad

I was a 'bad' mother over the weekend. Completely lost it with B. about a comment he made related to 'stuff' that was on the kitchen floor. Grocery items that were sitting there in their bags, not put away. His comment made me so angry - I was literally flipping mad. Partly because he's right- those items didn't belong there. But mostly because he judges what he refuses to assist with. The majority of putting away and/or attempting to organize falls squarely on my shoulders, apparently because I am the 'mom' and that makes it my job.

I am not intrinsincly organized. My sisters both are. Amazingly adept at categorizing, culling, organizing, putting things away RIGHT away because there is a place for everything and everything must be in it's place. My paternal grandmother was exactly the same way - she even made little signs with instructions for virtually everything in her mountain cabin that anyone could/would touch. Reminders to double check the faucets were turned all the way off; the refrigerator door was snugly closed; linen closets closed and latched, etc. It was 'Grammy's way' and we all accepted it and most importantly, DID what those little signs told us to. My brother-in-law M. (who's an artist) even made beautifully elaborate, decorative signs to help with Grammy's cause so at least when we were all being 'reminded', we could enjoy the reminder more.

Our house doesn't have signs. It has a mom and a dad and two kids. It has 5 bedrooms, an office, 3 bathrooms, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a bird and a frog. A big yard, a pool, a kitchen, formal dining room, livingroom, family room and laundry room. It is often overwhelming though I love every square inch of it and wouldn't trade any of it for a gazillion dollars. I want to live in this house until I die - I love it that much. But it is a LOT to do and I frequently feel overwhelmed. And under-motivated. I've been fine with our house being what it is - slightly cluttered, not immaculate. It is home. It is MY home. And when one of my kids points out that something isn't where it should be, I lash out because I take it personally and because I don't understand why THEY can't notice things aren't where they should be and HELP put them where they belong.

I have tried to use the FlyLady technique - no martyr. Do what you can, when you can. Every little bit helps. I blew it this weekend - the martyr in me came flying out with wild abandon. Resulting in both B. and me upset - me angrily working more to clean the kitchen. Him in his room trying to work on HIS gigantic mess. He didn't inherit the 'organizational skills' from my side of the family, either. And J.'s side doesn't have them either. So B. struggles with trying to stay organized and trying to 'keep up' with all the stuff he has on his plate. I guess sweeping the floor and realizing that sweeping involved PICKING UP STUFF wasn't something he wanted to do. But he did it.

Motherhood is a tough job. The hardest part isn't the kids. It's how hard a person can be on themself. How I can berate myself and rip my insides to shred with remorse, regret, sorrow for losing it with my sons. Wishing I could turn back time and have that moment over again. But you can't. You just have to apologize (which I did), explain where your head was at (which I also did) and move on. Which we both did. That's what family and love are all about.

Soccer

Another season closed today. H.'s team came in 3rd for their league - a 'disappointment' only in that a crazy 'bracketing' set up forced them to play for 3rd or 4th even though they went into the last game with the 2nd highest 'points' from the playoff games. Strange thing, these bracketing rules. Still, the kids were good sports and played two great games, which they won. They had a fantastic season - the best H. has ever played - and the coaches this year were so incredibly outstanding. A husband and wife team and a retired Tracy HS coach and counselor as the assistant. They really worked hard at 'conditioning' the kids - lots of laps, sit ups, etc. and then the 'plays' to keep the ball moving. It was a great team - a couple of the kids we have had 'experiences' with before and weren't really looking forward to having them 'around' again - but all in all, not a bad season. H. has a new trophy to add to his collection and a team poster which we'll get framed.

The weekend flew by, as weekends usually do.

I got a call on Friday from the school district in Tracy and have an interview in a little over a week. Of course, the minute I hung up from the call, I started the usual 'ruminating' - 'why DID I apply for this job?'. 'How do you interview and persuade people to hire you when you're not really sure you want to leave - when you have a perfectly great job - why did you do this'??? Over and over. But it can't hurt to interview - certainly no commute is a HUGE plus. But it is hard to even think about leaving the college - my boss is in shock - not that I got an interview, 'cuz he knew I would. But shocked that it IS happening - I am interviewing. I am thinking of leaving. I know he hopes I won't get it or if I get offered, that I won't accept. And I can't tell him that I will - or that I won't - 'cuz I have no idea what I'll do. All I know is that I DO have an interview on 11/14 and WILL be interviewing for a job that is a step up - and so, so much closer to home. So we'll see.

B. passed his driver's permit test on the first try. On Wednesday, he has his first behind the wheel lesson, which is required to 'activate' his permit. After that, he can drive with us - and in fact MUST drive with us for at least 50 practice hours before trying for his license in 6 months. He is very excited about driving. J. took him to an industrial park today and they 'drove' around the parking lot for an hour - just B. getting used to what it feels like to turn, accelerate, brake, etc. J. said he did pretty well and he thinks his neck will be OK (that's a joke). And B. said 'it was really a rush' when he hit 20MPH. Great, I think - just wait till he feels what 50's like. Scary to me. I just have to hope for the best....and wait for the revised insurance bill which should arrive any day.

Signing off. Heading to bed soon. Another Monday looms larger than life - I hate Mondays. I really do. The transition between two days of 'not working' back to 'work' is so, so hard. Thankfully, this week is a short week since we have Friday off! YEAH.

Retiring

When we retire, I think we will be quite happy eating from the Albertson's deli: roasted chicken, crunchy pea salad, fruit salad and cous-cous. Well, the cous-cous isn't from the deli, technically, but it's now one of our favorite 'side dishes'. Quick, filling and SO easy to make on a rushed evening. AND it will be MUCH cheaper to eat when we retire 'cuz we won't have two teenage boys to fill up! Can't wait.

Driving

B. starts driver's ed this morning. In class this entire weekend, again Monday afternoon and then all day Wednesday - all scheduled around the Tracy High School schedule - the kids don't have school Wednesday. Supposedly for conferences and planning but I think educators have just realized that attempting to get kids to focus and calm down after a night of sugar excess is pointless - so now they close school on Nov. 1st. After he completes these classes, he will be able to take his permit test. Then more behind-the-wheel training at the driving school + 50 hours with his parents and then, hopefully, in May, he can get his license. They have to have had their permit for 6 months before they can try for their license.

We are glad he has something 'new' to work towards and look forward to since sadly, he did not make jazz band this year. He had a bad audition - knew it when he came home that evening and wasn't 'surprised' to not make it - but of course, he is very disappointed. We are taking it as a positive - an opportunity for him to work hard on his tough Sophomore year academics and look forward to next year when he'll try out again and hopefully make it. His first semester grades were OK but not his usual outstanding - so I don't think having more after school time to devote to studying will hurt him a bit. On a good note, the jazz quartet he's in at the music store has a paying gig tonight at a crab feed. AND J. snared us two tickets to the crab feed so we can enjoy the music AND unlimited crab legs. I've actually never found crab feeds to be 'worth it'. All that work for a few bites. But it will be fun to hear B. play with this group and he is excited to be 'paid' for playing.

We now have the new washer AND a new matching dryer - my husband is generous and sweet and knew that NOT having the matching dryer would make me 'dissatisfied'. And we've had ENOUGH dissatisfaction with our laundry appliances these past 5 years so we bit the bullet and sprang for the dryer. The credit from Sears for the lemon washer paid for about 1/2 of the washer. So it was some serious $$ out the door - but worth it. They are blue, lovely, quiet and so far, working great. We will get a PGE rebate AND a City of Tracy water rebate and sell the old dryer - little things that help offset the cost. I am spending the weekend 'catching' up - washing comforters, dog blankets, etc. PLUS the usual zillion loads of laundry we do every weekend.

No word yet on the Tracy school job but that's not unexpected. These things take time. My boss informed me that they are still trying to 'change' my job into a higher classification so we'll see. That would be great. But I'm not holding my breath and didn't (nor won't) withdraw my application - reclasses are a crap shoot and I know that - so I'm not keeping my eggs in one basket. What's meant to be, will be. And I'll be fine either way.

Dani is still coughing a bit but is a lot better. She is still taking the cherry flavored bright pink liquid antibiotics and is improving. Eating well, playing more. The vet in town has called several times to have us bring her in for a redo of the chest xray and possible biopsy of the lymph nodes in her chest (which were swollen in the first xray). I'm not incined to spend more money for nothing - the 'emergency' procedure at the specialist in San Leandro was a waste of $1400 - told us no more than the xray did and never resulted in any firm diagnosis. So we are taking a 'wait and see' approach - she's improving, eating, playing, etc. and is almost back to her old self.

That's all the updates for now. Have a great weekend, everybody!

Love

J. and I have been together for over 18 years, now. We will celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary in March. There aren't many 'suprises' in our relationship - we are steadfast and true and love each other in a way that 18 years creates. Bonded thoroughly and completely - sometimes because we have kids; sometimes because the mere thought of 'splitting up' involves more logistical and financial quagmires than either of us want to navigate. Marriage isn't easy, as anyone who's ever been married knows. Ours has been 'easier' than most, I think, though we've had a few 'rough spots'. He is my best friend and the person I most like to spend my time with. He makes me laugh everyday (not in a 'yeah, that was funny now leave me alone' way but in a real, deep THAT WAS FUNNY way). And when someone makes you laugh everyday, you know everything's OK.

And lately -

J. calls me a couple times during the day. Usually once during the day to say "hi" and again when he's on his way or close to home. And lately, when he calls, as soon as I say 'Hello?' he says 'Hey, baby'. And my stomach sort of 'lurches' when I hear his voice. Like it used to way back when - when we were 'dating' and I couldn't wait for him to call again. And then when he did, my tummy would 'tell me' how excited I was to talk to him. And that feeling is BACK. It's the way he says it - the tone, the inflection. And then he comes home and I'm cooking dinner and I ask him 'how was your day'? And he says, 'it's getting better'. And I say 'oh, why'? And he says 'because now I'm kissing my baby'.

I love him. He makes making macaroni and cheese something to write about.

Lost

My theory is I got there 'too early'. I told J. 'the machines weren't primed yet'. Lost what I was willing to lose in just over an hour - so I did the practical thing and headed home. Spent the afternoon 'comp shopping' the Sears website for a new washer.

YES, the washer has FINALLY been declared a LEMON. One year after the thing went COMPLETELY on the fritz - it's not been right since. So now, we 'shop' to compare the model they based their offer on to the model we have. Since they don't make any machine that has EVERYTHING our washer has, we'll have to come up with some kind of 'happy medium'. In the end, we'll get a brand new washer though it will probably cost us a bit - since we WON'T buy their latest version of the Calypso - called the 'Oasis'. FORGET IT. NO WAY. We're looking at front loaders. BIG capacity. The only thing I really regret is that now, they make them in some really cool colors - but if I buy a new 'colored' washer (which is less expensive than white - why??), my dryer (which is white) won't 'match'. And though J. is quite possibly the most reasonable, generous person on the planet, even HE has drawn the line at buying a brand new dryer just so it will 'match' the soon-to-be brand new washer. I even tried to convince him that we could (in theory) hook up the 'old' dryer in the garage (will take some 'plumbing' work to get a gas line hooked up out there) so we'd have two - our own little 'laundromat'. He was unconvinced. So white is what we'll get.

The two days off have flown by. I have answered emails off and on both days so I won't arrive tomorrow 'buried' both on my desk AND my email. Thankfully, it will be only TWO days until the weekend!

PlayDay

I am taking two 'mid-week' vacation days. Spending today preparing for our "Fall Cleanup" event where the trash company will take ANYTHING you put out. So we are cleaning out the garage and backyard of 'stuff' that we don't need and don't care about trying to garage sale. (Since we NEVER have a garage sale even though we 'save' stuff for it throughout the year). We are also starting to box stuff and inventory to take to Goodwill, etc. - again, stuff we've saved for the garage sale we never have. Time to 'declutter' and get rid of stuff we don't need.

I applied for the Tracy job - now just 'wait and see'. Know from past experience that it can take weeks or months before you hear anything - whether it's a letter of 'thanks but no thanks' or a call for an interview. One job I applied for way back took SIX MONTHS before I got a letter advising the position was filled and thanked me for my interest. I found out at a conference I attended that the person who had the job actually came back (she didn't know I was one of the people who had applied while she was gone and then returning). So you just never know. I will wait and see what happens.

Tomorrow, I plan to drive up to Jackson for the morning - play some slots, hopefully win or break even, grab a bite to eat and head back home in time to pickup B. from band practice.

Off to tidy up the kitchen.

Buffalo

What does it say about someone who reads the headline 'Freak Snow Catches Buffalo; 3 die' and their first reaction is 'wow, that must be some storm to kill 3 buffalo. I really thought they were pretty hardy creatures'?
It says they're TIRED, folks. REALLY, REALLY down to their BONES tired.

So I slept 11 hours last night. That should help.

Sneaky

J. says 'the mice are sneaky bastards'. They left little turds RIGHT NEXT TO EACH trap. Great. Tonight, I'm loading the traps with banana nut bread AND cheese.

Leaving

J. is leaving on a business trip tomorrow morning. He departs leaving me with the following:

• The clothes washer is on the fritz again (see this time last year). Leaking water all over the floor with every load. Finally figured out how to just get it to spin so the load of my 'fine washables' that I tried to do could be dried out enough to actually toss in the dryer. Repair scheduled for Friday, the only day one of us (J.) can and will be home.
• What started as one mouse is now a family of mice. Or colony. Or army. I'm not sure how to classify them. I just know they exist. Last night, we trekked to Ace hardware just before dinner - I went along because I was fully prepared to buy every kind of trap known to man regardless of how barbarian and cruel I perceived them to be. I just want the mice OUT of our garage and away from my house. I can 'hear' them, I think - and with J. gone, will invariably being waking all night 'hearing' sounds - I don't need troops of mice scuddling across my garage floor. He has loaded the traps with peanut butter and I'm hoping they are 'tripped' while he's away. Thankfully, they have 'indicators' of a catch and you don't actually have to see the deceased mouse. Just toss them out. B. can help with that if we 'get' any. They seem pretty 'smart', though, so I'm not optimistic. If these traps don't work, I'm ordering the super-duper multiple catch trap from a website I found yesterday. Or moving.
• One son (H.) with a sprained wrist. J. is taking him to the doctor tomorrow before he heads to the airport - the way H. is acting about how much it hurts, you'd think it's broken. Though he can move it slightly - but couldn't cut his food at dinner, nor write his own homework, nor hold it up for any length of time. So J. will get it checked out tomorrow. (If it turns out he's broken something or torn a ligament, I'll feel terrible about how I think he's just over-reacting a tad).
• The other son (B.) is apparently so 'lovesick', he can't sleep. I don't know if he's 'lovesick' about a particular girl or just girls in general. But I DO know he is completely and totally distracted. Lost items in the past two weeks include: bus pass ($5 replacement fee which he paid from his allowance), student ID (another replacement fee from his allowance), wallet (with student ID & $3 in it), history book (just recovered today when he finally asked his History teacher 'so what is the procedure for replacing a lost book?' And his instructor reached under his desk and said 'you mean like this one'? It had been there for the past week and a half while B. borrowed books or just used his notes. And today, he skipped Band after school to come home and catch up on homework and sleep, only he's so used to NOT being home first, he didn't have a house key so he sat in the back yard and did homework outside until Hunter got home to let him in.
• Me with a migraine. Day 3. It's not a 'sending me to bed' migraine - it's just a 'on the verge of sending me to bed' migraine.
• Dani is still 'sick'. She's improved. MUCH improved. But she's still coughing a bit and still a bit lethargic. But she is 'active' more and playing a bit more now. She also is back to her old 'barking' self which is the one thing that told us she was REALLY sick - she stopped barking. Now, she's back to barking at strange noises, doorbells, etc. So that's back to normal. Jim will call the vet on Friday with an update and they'll decide what we should do next.
• Me missing him. Every day, all day. Every night, all night. It's just not home when he's not.

Rain

We had the first bit of winter rain today. Love how fresh the air smells. We had an 'excuse' to stay out in the rain for a bit since the house is being painted on Tuesday and tomorrow, the painting company will powerwash the outside. So everything near the house had to be moved 5 ft. away. I enjoyed the sprinkles - not enough to get soaked but a little wet. The dogs got excited because I was excited - then came outside and quickly ran back in...over and over like 'why is she so excited? It's just wet'. They don't like the rain much but I LOVE IT. (I will need to read this post sometime this winter when I'm sick, sick, SICK of the rain, which invariably happens). B. was excited because rain here usually means snow up north and he is looking forward to snowboarding - counting the predicted rain storms and planning to hit the slopes as soon as possible. Missing last season because of his knee was really hard and he's really looking forward to this season.

B. has also decided to drop the jazz class at the college on Mondays. It's just not working. He's up most nights until midnight doing homework. On Mondays, we don't get home until close to 11 which means his 2-3 hours of homework is done until the early morning hours of Tuesday. It isn't worth having the class be an extra 'stressor'. It is supposed to be a 'treat' and fun. But it's not going to work. If we didn't have the 30+ minute commute to and from, it might be more do-able - but I pick him up after jazz band at school and we have an hour or so at home before we have to head back over the Altamont to the college. No time for him to make much headway on the homework. It's too bad because he was enjoying it. But he's been asked to play for the Main Street Music jazz band which practices on Saturday mornings and plays various gigs in Tracy. He's enjoying that.

I am going to apply for a job in Business Services at the school district the kids attend in Tracy. It pains me to think of leaving the college - specifically, the people at the college. But applying doesn't mean I'll be leaving - so it can't hurt to apply. I would take the job in a heartbeat if it were offered - a 10 minute commute vs. an hour. I would be close to home, close to the kids and working for a growing school district. So it's worth considering. I will get my letters of reference in order tomorrow and get the application process going. We'll see. I'm not good at 'change'. But jobs in Business in a school district don't open up very often so I can't miss out on applying. This job may not open again for years. So I'll go for it. I've looked at other opportunities and typically, the benefits don't compare - making any savings in gas and any increase in salary a 'wash' or even have me bringing home less. The benefits at the college are INCREDIBLE and having them is something that is hard to walk away from. So we'll see.

Braces

H. started 'Phase 2' today in his orthodontia treatment. After Phase I, they said they didn't think he'd need a Phase 2. But of course, that would mean they wouldn't have the excuse to charge us THIRTY EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS for treatment. So even though his teeth look completely fine to us, he 'needs' Phase 2. We aren't the type to 'argue' with professionals and want his teeth to be stellar - so he got his Phase 2 bands on today. His mouth is adorned with black and red bands - which are the coincidentally the school colors for where I work. He says his friends say he looks 'cool'. Braces are apparently still as big a deal today as they were in my day. Only now, they come in lots of colors and are glued to the front of your teeth instead of banded around the teeth. He still talks a bit funny at the moment and his lips look 'fat'. But we'll all adjust. He's glad to have them.

We upped J's 401K a bit with my soon to be raise. The remaining 'raise' will go to pay the monthly payment for the braces - so that raise is officially 'a wash'. So much for trading in the van for a new hybrid. J. will just have to share his hybrid Camry which I drive every chance I get - it has an MP3 hookup which I LOVE and it gets 35 MPG which I also love. And J. is very sweet about letting me drive it when he's not commuting. If I don't drive the Camry, I drive the Acura - better mileage than the van, which now sits somewhat 'retired' in the driveway. We are signing B. up for drivers training with a drivers ed school in town and before too long, HE will be driving the Acura and I'll be back in the van. Oh well. B. doesn't want to drive the van - what 16 year old boy wants to drive a Honda Odyssey VAN - a clear 'mom-wagon'. So he will drive the Acura - not too shabby for a 'first car'. It's approaching 100K miles but runs fine and will get him through commuting to high school.

AND, other exciting news is my sister K., my niece H. and their office gang (who we met in the summer while they visited San Francisco) had such a great time, they're coming BACK in December - so we will get to visit with them again and enjoy their company and their boss and his family. Can't wait.

Dani is still not great. The scope of her lungs last week (at a vet 40+ miles from home - a 'specialist') shows a lot of swelling and 'fluid' which so far, has not 'grown' into any specific organism they can identify. The specialist provided another stronger antibiotic and said she will keep us posted if the culture produces a specific organism. Dani is still pretty 'lethargic', though compared to last week, she is a bit more active. She eats very little (we have been enticing her with scrambled eggs mixed with her kibble) and sleeps a lot. If she's active, she will wheeze. And there have been moments in the past week when I'm sure this wheeze is the last wheeze and she will just not be able to breath anymore - but she always makes it through and trots to her bed. She's such a sweet dog. The total bill so far has exceeded $2K and we still have no diagnosis. But she's here and she's OK so we're all hanging in with 'no official cause'. We are grateful that we have the money to do what we need to do and so far, haven't had to consider any alternatives BUT finding out what's wrong and treating her. I'm thankful for that more than I can say.

Legacy

I attended a memorial service this afternoon for my friend Pam's dad. Never an easy thing to witness a family's grief and sadness over the loss of their beloved patriarch. But I have been there for Pam through a lot of her life's sadnesses and wanted to be there for her today. So I took a day off (personal) and trekked to Elk Grove.

I sort of dreaded it. Not that I considered not going - 'cuz I knew I would go. But I dreaded how memorial services or funerals always bring up all the grief ever felt at your own personal losses. And there was that - as soon as I walked in and saw the flowers and received the 'program' and signed the guest book, the grief of my own losses started to well up. Lump in the throat; tears in the eyes.

And then we started. And I witnessed an entire family involved in memorializing their dad, grandpa, uncle. The ENTIRE family. One son presided over the service - he is attending seminary and will soon be a pastor. Another son sang during the services - beautifully and fittingly - the songs a reflection of the sadness but also the joy. Another son spoke in a tribute to his dad. Pam and her son and nephew read scriptures. And the family became united in their grief but more importantly, united in their faith. Their faith that has seen them through more losses than most families ever go through. Pam has lost a brother. She lost her first husband to illness and her second husband to a motorcycle accident. And now her dad. I can't imagine how she manages - but she does. And she does it all while 'being there' for everyone in her family and her friends. She is an amazing person and I am blessed to know her. And her family - who, as was commented on during the services 'sort of suck you in'. The Lawrences are like that - united in faith and family and so steadfast in their support and love and respect for each other. It has in the past inspired me and made me awed - and it did so again today. The service was joy-full and a true celebration and that's exactly how Ronnie would have wanted it. A celebration of his life. And celebrating the joy in his death because he is in heaven now - and they know they will see him again. They will miss him and would rather he be here with them on earth - but they take comfort - real, honest, deeply felt comfort - in knowing that they will see him again and that he's 'having a great time'. And I'm sure he is. He raised some amazing kids and shared 51 years of happy marriage with his beloved wife Jean.

In memory - Ronnie C. Lawrence 1934-2006

Update II

2nd blood test came back negative. They are now referring us to an 'internal specialist' who will put Dani under and 'scope' her airway and lungs. Try to 'extract' a sample of any 'stuff' in there in the hopes they can run tests and figure out what this is. Don't know how much it will be and didn't ask. We're doing it. She is declining pretty significantly - didn't come out of her 'burrow' when I got home - didn't move until I went up to her kennel and called her. She's not feeling very well. I want to know WHAT this is we're dealing with and then we'll know what we can or cannot do.

Say prayers, please. She's a sweet dog and has already had her share of health issues.

Update

Dani has a fungal infection in her lungs. First thought was 'Valley Fever' but blood test for that is negative - but that is still the most likely diagnosis and the tests do come back 'negative' and then are postive at a later date. The vet is running an additional test for a different 'fungal' strain - but that is what she appears to have. Her lungs are hazy and she is wheezing a lot - making it clear that she is not 'clearing her throat' - she is wheezing. She's not eating, is lethargic, tired and listless. Poor puppy. She perks up if she's being held and will sometimes go into her 'protective barking mode' long enough to be the 'old Dani'. But for the most part, she is a very sick dog.

We are treating her with antibiotics and anti-fungals and we hope they will 'work'. She's been on the meds for not quite a week and as of this AM, doesn't seem any better. We are hopeful but cautious. She is getting lots of TLC and being 'spoiled' by her human brothers.

Yoga

I'm taking a yoga class at the college on Wednesdays during lunch. It's only once per week - but I have to say that I absolutely cannot believe how much it is 'helping' the way I think about my body and it's limitations.

I have bursitis in both hips. Knee issues. Back issues. I walk with constant pain, pretty much. It's just the way I am. And I've used that as an excuse to not exercise. It's 'too hard'. Or it hurts (yes, it does hurt, all the time).

But yoga is making me 'push' myself to move in ways I never imagine. I can sit cross legged on the floor. I CAN. I can't do it 'well' or perfectly comfortably - but I CAN do it. And I can stretch my back and my hips and my shoulders into and out of positions I never imagined I'd be able to. BUT I AM.

It's a start. I found a yoga class in Tracy on Monday evenings and I'm strongly considering signing up for that as well. Then I'd have two times each week that I'm forcing my body to MOVE.

Yoga is powerful stuff. Anyone who thinks it can't possibly be an effective 'workout' has never tried it. It makes your muscles sore and stretched and feels so, so GOOD.

Jazz

B. is taking a jazz class as a concurrent enrollment student at the college where I work. So every Monday, I work 8-noon then drive home to get B. after his high school band class. He does homework for a couple hours; I do housework. Then we head back over the hill to the campus where I work from 6PM to 10PM. It's working out OK. My boss' son is also in the jazz class so my boss stays late also. So we get a lot of work done - it's quiet, no interruptions. B. and I drive home after his class and get home around 10:30. The hardest part is unwinding enough to be asleep by shortly after 11. The alarm on Tuesday mornings goes off really early.

By far the BEST part of this arrangement is the drive to and from the college with B. We don't get a lot of time to just 'talk' lately. During the drive, B. really talks - and he doesn't do that much lately. B. has always had a gift for conversation. But he's a typical teenager - and he's not usually keen on sharing a lot with his parents. But on the way to and from, he talks a lot. And it's so good for us 'cuz I'm realizing that underneath all the teenage angst, he is still the same sweet, thoughtful, fun, smart, interesting person he was when he was a pre-teen.

He is so, so like me in so many ways. He confessed that he's having a lot of trouble getting to sleep - he can't shut his mind off. THAT is his mother. Totally. I reassured him that he 'inherited' that from me and he needs to 'learn' to shut his mind down. He says he listens to his radio because sometimes he just wants to think. I've been harping on him to NOT listen to the radio because he frequently leaves it on all night - and I think his subconcious listening to noise all night can't be restful. But I suggested - fine, then set your radio to play for 1/2 hour - and when the radio goes off, tell yourself 'night, self. I'm shutting down now' - training himself and his brain to stop for the night. I told him I know it's hard to stop thinking - 'cuz I do it all the time. I call it 'ruminating'. So I told him to work on NOT ruminating about things he can't control - if you're going to spend your psychic energy fretting, think through things you CAN control. At least that's productive rumination.

He is such a teen. Wants to have his whole life all figured out and nailed down. And he knows he can't know - but the wanting to know is taking up a lot of his time. I encouraged him to 'let go'. And reminded/reassured him that it does all work out - he'll find something he loves to do (or at least likes) and make a living doing it. He'll have plenty of hobbies, friends, family, adventures, love, surprise. It'll all work out - just the way it's supposed to. Just take one day at a time and have a good time. You only get one go round - so enjoy it.

I spent most of my younger years worried. Worried sick a lot of the time - about my life, my future, my family, my friends. I was a nervous wreck a good part of the time and I realized much later in life that it didn't help. Pre-planning every possible scenario didn't 'change' anything - it just ate up a lot of time and energy. If there's one thing I want my kids to know, it's to just let life unfold. Do the best you can at everything you choose to do. Be kind, thoughtful and friendly. Do good. Work hard at being happy and you'll help everyone around you to be happy. And don't worry. Don't fret. If you can't control it, let it go. The only person you can control in any situation is you - that's it. Spend your psychic energy controlling yourself - your expectations, your reactions. You'll be happier and healthier and live a full, productive life.

I'm looking forward to the semester of drives to and from. And I'm hoping he'll want to enroll next semester. And the semester after that. And even when he can drive himself in the not too distant future, I hope we'll still carpool. If for no other reason then the excuse to spend some one on one time together. I think we both need it.

Remembering

As most of America is today, I am remembering 5 years ago. Where I was, what I was doing when I heard. I was in my car on the way to work and called J. to say 'hey, turn on the news - something's happened in New York - they say a plane has hit to World Trade Center'. I imagined it was a private plane, small and an accident - something completely not planned. I was so wrong. When the 2nd plane hit, I heard about that, too, on the radio on the way into work. I couldn't believe it. Just couldn't 'get it'. Even when I got to work and watched what was happening on the TV set up in the cafeteria, I couldn't fathom it.

I came home mid-morning - my corporate company did the 'right thing' and offered for folks to go home - to be with family, check on relatives, if needed. J. and I sat in the family room of our 'new' home and watched. And I commented 'they won't collapse, will they?'. And then, they did. Incredibly. Terrifyingly. And I just sat there and thought "I can't believe this is happening". Like so many of us. I mourned for those lives then and I do today, still.

I watched the documentary last night done by the two French brothers who were filming the fire crews. I had never watched it before - always turned the TV off saying 'no, I can't watch it'. But I did last night, in memory of all those that died. I also watched the "Primetime" segment on the children of 9/11 - those born after the attacks to a widowed mother. And I remembered. I will never forget.

Dani

Dani is our blind 'miniature' dachschund. I put the miniature in quotes 'cuz she's anything but. She weighed in a healthy 16 pounds at the vet this afternoon and she is so close to a 'normal' full size dachschund that continuing the charade of calling her a miniature must end. Today. Chloe IS a miniature as evidenced by the fact that I can carry her under the crook of my arm and she fits just perfectly - all 7.5 pounds of her 12 inch petiteness. Dani, not so much. She is a 'giant' dog that thinks she isn't. And when she's at the vet, she's a 'giant' dog who wants to be as close to me as humanly possible. She wants to tuck her chin up under mine and 'nestle' closely lest the 'bad people' touch her in any way. The vet said 'she can't get any closer to you'. No, but she tried.

Dani went to the vet today because she has developed a 'cough'. Finding a shredded popsicle stick in the family room this morning convinced me that Dani had ingested part of it and was trying to 'hack' it out. Turns out, she has some kind of lung infection. What kind, they're not sure of - but the tests to find out (hopefully) what it is specifcally just set us back $600. Yikes. We have antibiotics and they added a $150 blood test for a fungal infection - I'm convinced that's what she'll have 'cuz it's way more expensive to treat and takes longer to 'cure' her. Great.

Dani has cost us a small fortune in her almost 5 years. Eye surgeries, follow-ups, etc. We did everything possible to save her eyesight and drained our savings to pay for a surgery that was hopefully going to help. It didn't. She is totally blind - she's our 'special needs' puppy. She is the sweetest dog on the planet - and we all love her. But she is/has been one expensive dog. Oh well. She's a part of the family so we'll do what we have to do. We've (thankfully) built our savings back up - so we're good.

Dani's keen sense of smell lets her ferret out the 'creatures' in our yard. Dani finds them and coaxes them into revealing themselves - then Chloe 'chases' them around the yard until they can hide again. Last night's 'find' was a fairly decent sized toad - who looked none too happy to have been 'found'. Chloe and Dani make a good team - Chloe's the eyes for the team and Dani's the 'sniffer'.

When I took Dani to the vet sans Chloe, Chloe literally howled in her kennel as we walked out the door. I'm not sure if she was upset 'cuz she thought Dani was going on a walk without her (which is impossible since Chloe leads the way and Dani follows - without Chloe, Dani walks into literally everything in her path) or was just completely freaked out that Dani is leaving without me. Either way, Chloe was freaked and very worried when I returned home without Dani (while they did chest xrays, etc. and I picked up B. from school) and very relieved when Dani returned.

Our special needs puppy is just that - special. She's the first dog I've ever loved...I'm a cat person and never imagined I could love a dog. But I do. She's like my 'baby' - they both are - and whatever they need, we'll do. Hopefully, the $15 in antibiotics will do the trick. If not, I'll have to start selling off my Cow Parade cows on eBay to pay for her treatment. And it'd be totally worth doing that. And easier to dust the dining room!

Soon

We made our weekly trip to Costco today for 'groceries'. We rarely shop at the actual grocery store anymore - Costco fulfills the weekly shopping list and more importantly, fills the two teenage boys who seem intent to bankrupt us with their need for food. We are always out of something or on the verge of being out of something.

Costco now has Christmas stuff and we got two new decorations. A set of 'drums' that sit in the front yard and light up-B. loves them. And a Santa that carries lights up and down a ladder - he really climbs! Jim said when he came around the corner and saw my face, he knew that I was 'smitten' with yet another decoration.

And when we pulled in the driveway, he rhetorically asked "where will we be storing these new Christmas decorations?". I just smiled as he said "I know - that's my job". Yes, honey, it is. I find them and buy them and you store them. And you're really good at it and I love you for it.

Busy

This was the first week of the Fall Semester and it was wild. Unlike any 'first week' I can recall and while we all feel that way this week, we can't really put our fingers on why. It could be the 10% growth in enrollment, combined with the usual 'Fall Semester' busy-ness. But it feels like 'more' than that. It is just non-stop from the minute we walk in the door until we all leave bleary-eyed at the end of the day. Today, a co-worker who never makes any sort of 'caring' comments - it's just not her way - said 'sweetie, you look tired'. And I am. Down to my bones weary and hoping against hope that the two days will renew my energy level and get me ready for another busy week. I need two nights of good, solid sleep with no nighttime reminding, no alarm clock awakening, no disturbing dreams that I know were not pleasant but lack memories of any details which would allow me to actually work through whatever they are trying to 'tell' me.

I work a lot of hours. I have a boss who is extremely accommodating about ensuring that I book 'comp' time for the hours I work that exceed a 40 hour week. The only problem with comp time is that you have to have the time to be able to take the time off. And when you're really busy, so busy that you're adding hour after hour of 'comp' time to your total every day, you're too busy to TAKE the comp time you are earning. So I have a ton of time 'on the books' and honestly no idea when I'll be able to take it. [I just reread this sentence and used the word 'know' instead of 'no'. I can't think straight, honestly].

Weeks like this, comp time comes in handy. H. needed to come home sick from school on Monday. B. followed by calling me to pick him up on Wednesday. Add to that a doctor's appointment of my own that I'd already rescheduled once - and I used some comp time this week to handle all these 'unscheduled' times away from the office. No problem. Boss is fine - no issue. BUT, I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO - so the time away from work only adds to that issue.

I used 'the box' method this evening. Left work at 6 and literally took all the stuff on my desk, piled it into a box and brought it home. Will spend a couple of hours at the dining room table sorting, categorizing, filing, doing and making 'lists' of things. Things to delegate, things to take care of right away. Intending to go back to work on Monday with neater stacks, a clear list of what I need to accomplish and then hit the floor running on Monday AM. My 'helper' goes back to her classes at St. Mary's on Monday so she will only be available 24 hours starting next week - and her schedule is a bit 'scattered' so it's going to take some careful coordination and a lot of emails to keep us both on the same 'track' about what needs to be done, when.

I'm heading to bed - night, all.

Memories

Work is approaching the 'crazy busy' point after weeks of being in 'pending/waiting' mode for our district to finish what they needed to do so we can do what we need to do. Now, we'll spend the next two weeks rushing like crazy trying to tie up everything to officially close the year. It will be crazy.

I left work on time this evening to get to Danville for my cut & color appointment. The color was needed, as it always is - but apparently more so since H. asked at dinner Saturday night 'Mom, why is your hair two different colors'. So I scheduled out all my appointments through the end of the year and made them 5 weeks apart instead of 6. That should help the obvious demarcation between my scalp and my hair. Won't be great on my pocket book, but oh well. I told my stylist what H. had said and she laughed and said 'it could be worse. I had a client bring me a picture her son drew of her with her nice blond hair and a sharpie marker black line down the middle of her head. That's how he thought her hair should be drawn'. I don't wait that long, quite.

While she was doing my hair, there was a 3 year old girl getting a haircut. I was listening to the stylist reminding her to 'stay still; look down; don't wiggle', etc. It reminded me of when H. was little and we would take him and B. to my stylist (at the time - not the same stylist I have now) to get haircuts. We took a bag of Jelly Bellies with us and used those to keep the boys still. I could picture H. and his little 'grin' - not quite a smile, not quite a 'smirk'. Just this little, sweet smile with a jelly-bean rimmed mouth. He LOVED getting his haircut 'cuz he loved jelly beans. B. too. I was sitting there remembering and couldn't stop smiling. Picturing those sweet little faces smiling with glee and sitting very, very still, waiting for the next treat.

I hadn't thought of that in a long time and it is nice to have those 'snapshots' in my head. Need to picture those sweet faces the next time they give me grief about something. They are still sweet, but older now, and jelly beans don't do diddly squat anymore in eliciting desired actions. No more 'easy' ways to make them comply with simple requests. It's all uphill, now. But I can remember when it wasn't and that helps.

Different

B. returned home last week a changed young man. More independent (which didn't seem possible since he's pretty independent anyway), more confident. He had an amazing time and very much enjoyed 3 weeks of no parental authority. He returned to the 'real world' and was grounded within 24 hours of his return - for not following through on the ONE thing asked of him his first full day home - haul his suitcase upstairs and unpack. The suitcase was still in the hallway by the garage door when I returned from work the next day - and he was promptly grounded. A seemingly monumental injustice which he kept responding to with 'I just forgot'. Well, there are consequences to forgetting - as he learned.

He is setting up a page on MySpace, which I was opposed to. But then I saw it and was able to view the pages of the various friends he made on the trip - and see so many pictures of B. on those pages with these new friends - clearly attached to each other during this special three week journey, making memories they will never forget and experiencing a type of friendship that only happens when people are thrust into a completely strange environment far from home. Two girls kissing him on the cheek (one on each side) and a friend in the background giggling. A group of guys and girls trying to get the BeefEater guy to crack up. Friendship and happiness and independence written all over their faces.

B. got lost in the Louvre. He handled it well - went to the information desk and waited there until the European guide assigned to their group came and found him. He said from then on, periodically, someone in the group would say 'where's B.?' to make sure he was with them. He even captured one of those friends doing that on one of the videos he took. It was nice to feel the kids watching out for each other - and the various picutres attest to that as well.

When they all came toward the gate at the airport - a see of maroon shirts - all the parents and family waiting let out a big cheer. There were tears all around - parents tearing up with happiness and relief; friends crying over leaving their new friends. The reunion in September is highly anticipated and we are all looking forward to it.

We are happy he had the opportunity to explore a part of the world on his own. He certainly came home with a new perspective on being an American. And a new appreciation of 'home'. What that means; what it is. Including that being home involves parents and a sibling and responsibilities - being a part of a family is what being home is. I am so glad he's home. I missed him more than I can express in words - and I am so proud of him and the man he is becoming. He amazes me everyday - even when he's pissing me off.

Perspective

We enjoyed a concert at the Cedar Mountain Winery last night - Megan Slankard and her band and David Paul Newell. The music was great. The weather was horrific. It was 114 in Livermore yesterday - even hotter than in Tracy. Typically, driving over the pass leads to a 10 degree + lowering in temperature - but not yesterday. It was miserable. The air was completely still so sweating profusely did nothing to cool the body down. It was so hot. And I was so miserable. I just don't do heat well anymore....grew up in Arizona in scorching heat (my mom would always say 'yes, but it's a dry heat') but now, I just can't take it. Was headachy and tired feeling. Food didn't taste good. Good wine didn't taste good.

There was a family with two young boys. The youngest was just what I needed. He danced along to the music. Twirled in circles during the songs. He didn't care that it was 100 degrees at 6PM. He was having fun. Kids are so good at living in the moment. I needed his reminder to enjoy the moment. Any and every moment. So I tried to take my lesson from him and started focusing on the music. Enjoyed and thanked God for the few small breezes that blew sporadically. Reminded myself that last year at the same concert, we were all FREEZING - buying cup after cup of coffee and hot chocolate to try to stay warm. At the end of the concert, the little boy went up and gave Megan a great big hug. He knew he had enjoyed a great time and thanks to his reminder, so did I.

Looking forward to next year - though if it does end up being a scorching day again, I will bring wet dish towels and my spritzer fans for cooling off.

B.comes home TOMORROW. By 1AM tomorrow morning, he will be winging his way home. We'll be waiting for him at the security checkpoint tomorrow at SFO and can't WAIT to see him!!