Loved

Over the past week, my college has said goodbye to me in so many amazing ways. Today, there was a potluck in my honor. AT LEAST 75 people showed up, including many folks from our district office who stepped away from their busy, busy days to say goodbye. I am so incredibly touched and overwhelmed. I was honored by my 2nd standing ovation in a week. UNBELIEVABLE. I can't begin to describe how amazing it feels to have so many people thank you and tell you how much they will miss you. The President called me a 'treasure'. One retired VP returned for the party and said 'they will never replace you. YOU are just not replaceable'. It was such an amazing day and I am so 'in love' with that place and those people. Really, 'in love' is the only feeling to describe it. Their genuine outpouring of loss and sadness and yet also being so genuinely happy for me is just a once in a lifetime experience. I have NEVER had so much 'thanks' and appreciation in my life and honestly, I don't think I ever will again. It has felt like a 'once-in-a-lifetime' moment, every moment of every day this week.

I have felt more overwhelmed and exhausted in the past week than ever in my life. Yesterday, because of an 'event' which I cannot discuss in a public forum, I ended up leaving mid-day. Just too overwhelmed and sad about leaving to be there one more minute. Called my boss on his cell phone and told him that I really didn't think me sitting at my desk sobbing was a 'good thing' so if it was OK with him, I was going to head home. Hoping that a nap and a good cry would help. There was a good cry but alas, no nap. And no good night's sleep, either. The zillion things I want to get 'done' before I leave there ran through my head all night long. I sort of 'dozed' off and on but know I was not actually 'sleeping'. Was too wound up. Headed in this morning and buckled down and did get a lot done on my list. But I also had a long conversation with my boss (via email, where we, frankly, have our best conversations) where I explained that my instinct is to keep trying to get stuff done. But my 'job' isn't the kind of job that is ever, really DONE and it is affecting me in ways I don't think are healthy. I mean, we could drag this out forever and the work would still never be done - so while we could throw more days at it next week, I didn't think I wanted to do that. So we agreed that Tuesday is it. I will work Monday and part of Tuesday and then leave. Finally. Turn in my keys, parking permit, etc. and exit the building. Most likely for forever. I will cry (again/more). My boss will cry (again/more). Yes, my boss, the kindest, most amazing man I've ever known - next to the man I'm married to - has cried because I'm leaving. And today, after he gave another heartwarming speech in my honor, filled with his amazing sense of humor and laughter, he cried and hugged me tightly and whispered 'I love you' to me. And I told him 'I love you, too'. And I do. And he does. Not in any 'inappropriate' marriage-risking way. But I do love him. He has impacted my life in so many incredible ways. He gave me a chance to 'choose' something different for my life and for my career path and my new job is only and completely possible because he hired me and gave me his confidence to 'take the ball and run with it' when I arrived there. Making such a 'difference' there has made me want to choose to do more. To be more. I would have loved to be an administrator at the college - but that won't happen for a long, long time, if ever. So I had to make a 'leap of faith' and leave somewhere I am completely, totally happy to be and move to somewhere I am 'new' and 'unproven' and 'different'. But there is no reward without risk. Everyone said 'they are so lucky to get you' and 'they will love you like we love you in a very short time'.

I hope they're right. It is hard to leave such a wonderful place. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done. To walk away from such a magical place into such an 'unknown'. But I've dared to reinvent myself before. And I can't stop now.

Onward. One day at a time. And I have LPC in my heart so I am not alone. Never alone.

You touched my heart, you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
- James Blunt