It's the annual evening of fright! J. set up all our decorations and got the front lights to stay on so kids will know we are 'open for business'. Bought 7 big bags of candy. Minus one big bag due to pre-Halloween pilfering by two teen boys. Can't have any candy in the house or it's gone. Hoping for lots of trick-or-treaters so we'll use up all the candy.
I spent the day cooking - home made chicken rice soup. Delicious, if I do say so myself. Plenty of leftovers....we'll be eating soup for a week. Good thing I also made a big batch of dinner rolls - and had enough dough leftover to make a cookie sheet foccacia bread topped with rosemary, basil, thyme, garlic salt and grated Parmesan cheese. Delicious! We're on the second running of the dishwasher today and still have another load to put in.
The past couple weeks have been full of work. Work and more work. J. is so busy that he failed to notice that he had time blocked off as vacation week before last. He worked the entire week and didn't remember that he was planning to be off. So he's taking off a 6 day weekend and is off tomorrow and Tuesday - and had Thursday and Friday off, too. Or maybe just Friday. Can't remember, actually. But he's been home which is really nice.
I've been so busy that I was at my desk at 5AM a couple days last week. Got so much done in the wee quiet hours of the morning....I really love that schedule - except for the going to bed around 8ish and waking around 3ish. That part sucks. But working in silence with zero interruptions is really great. I think I'd almost wish to be a hermit sometimes.
Election day is soon and our district has a ballot measure we're anxiously waiting to see how it goes. We really need it - we need to modernize our 80 year old middle school and make other modernizations and improvements to all our schools. We'll hopefully know by Wednesday morning. If it passes, it's a lot more work. If it doesn't, it will be more work in two years when we try again. It's been a very busy, intense couple months and we have the most amazing parent volunteers ever. These people put their hearts and souls into the campaign and worked their butts off - and I hope it passes.
Chloe will be hoarse by the end of tonight - barking her fool head off. Not that we're ever getting another dog - but if we ever did, I'd be sure to ring the darn doorbell constantly when s/he is a little puppy so it would become 'no big deal' to have a bell ring. Seriously - she is crazed when there's someone at the door.
Today is my sister's 49th birthday. I sent her a Facebook email last night. Got a reply today. The first communication we've had in close to four years. It wasn't much - but it was something.
I came across our email exchange from four years ago about a month ago - all the old hurt feelings resurfaced in about a nano-second. I should delete them. But I won't. They remind me why I gave up trying. And why I will keep my distance.
Still, I didn't see her in South Carolina earlier this month - and I would have liked to. At least then, the initial 'first time we've communicated in years' would have been over - for awhile.
It's over for awhile again now. I tried. I didn't expect much - and that's what I got back. Not much. And it's OK. Apparently, it's easier to let go the second time around. I'm not phased. It's back to status quo.
And at least I know I did try. I was the bigger person - I made an effort and communicated first. I don't really know why I felt I should - but I did - and I did it quickly before I could change my mind. And I'm not sorry I did. Maybe being farming neighbors will be next. Who knows. I don't. I expect nothing. And I won't be disappointed. I think we both realize there is no relationship to salvage anymore. Nothing to try to improve. I know her - and she knows me. And compromising isn't in one of our vocabularies. Nor is admitting when we've made mistakes and are sorry. We're both human and stubborn.
I don't want to be right. Or need to be. But I need serenity. I have that. I've had it for three years, 10 months and a couple days. Serenity is nice. I choose it over anything else.
Still, you can never have to many Farmville neighbors....
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Suspicion!
Think of Fiddler on the Roof. The song 'Tradition'. Remember the emphasis. Tra-DI-TION! Bum-bum-ba-da-da-ra-bum -TRADITION!
That song is running through my head....only substitute the word 'suspicion' instead.....
I was at work by 5AM this morning - so early that even McDonald's wasn't open yet - so no iced tea or yogurt parfait, which is my new, quick, $1 breakfast! It's yummy! And not too bad point wise.
I managed to finish up the project I had to do in time for a 9AM meeting. Plowed through the morning/early afternoon of various meetings. And at 2:30PM, headed home.
H. was not home. Didn't answer his cell phone on the first call. Did answer it on the 2nd. Said he was 'doing PE'. Remember, he's going to a cyber school now - his PE consists of 45 minutes of physical activity. He said he was skateboarding on his long board to the park. He was gone over an hour. At one point, I called again to check on him - and he was talking to 'a friend' around the corner - a friend I've never heard him mention. Hmmm.....
He arrives home and stays home for a bit. Watches TV. Heads upstairs.
A short time later, I think I hear someone come in the front door. The dog definitely heard someone come in the front door. I call out 'B.?'. No answer. 'Is someone there'? No answer. It is clear someone IS there 'cuz I hear footsteps clomping up the stairs. I ask 'who's there'? and H. answers 'it's O.' (his friend). 30 seconds go by. Next thing I know, O. is leaving. Just that fast.
I ask H. to come downstairs. He said 'O. had to leave to go out front and talk to his girlfriend'. I check. They are not out there. He doesn't know where they went. He said 'I told O. you were going to get all suspicious on me'. I said 'you're right - 'cuz I am'. He goes into what I call 'full deflection mode' - indignant that I'm asking. Indignant that I don't 'trust' him. Pissed off that I'm 'always assuming the worst and making a big deal of everything'. Hmmm....wow. It was a very de-ja-vu feeling. I've been here before. I know his master manipulative ways. I know how he can spin a story faster than most of us can snap our fingers.
So when a 'call' from O. occurred minutes later, with H. saying 'no, I'm not sure I can - I've got stuff I have to do now'....I was even MORE suspicious. Like that was either a totally fake call - or he texted O. and asked him to call. To make it sound/look better.
I know he's up to something. If I had listened to my gut 6-9 months ago, we might be in a totally different place....but I didn't then. I am now. I told H. that I'm on to him and I know he's up to something - and when the bottom falls out this time, it will be life changing consequences for all of us.
Time to whip out a drug test - just for laughs.
In the mean time, every bone in my body is fighting the flee response. I don't want to live in this house with a kid that lies and manipulates like the rest of us breath and floss our teeth. I just don't have it in me anymore. My own quiet little apartment sounds like such a nice thing, doesn't it? Though admittedly, it would be hugely selfish - and not fair to J. And better that I'm here 'cuz frankly, J. has zero radar when it comes to that kid. Zip. Nada.
I just let him go to O's house - about a 4 minute skate board trip. He took his car keys. I said 'no, if' you're going to O's house, you can walk or ride your skateboard. You don't need to spend money on gas to drive over there for an hour. Take your board or walk'.
He walked out, slamming everything possible between here and the door. Keys tossed on the counter with a clang. Dog gate - crash. Front door slam. Skate board dropped onto the ground from it's leaning position with enough force to be heard here in the study which is several rooms and quite a few feet away.
Oh, yes.....Mr. Indignant has returned. I remember him. He uses his holier-than-though force field to convince you you're wrong. But I've dealt with him before - I know how he operates. I will not be moved.
If he's up to something, we're going to find out soon. I guarantee it. He doesn't like my vigilance but he's starting to know that I mean business. My mom-radar is always in alert mode - and will be for a very long time.
Postscript:
I am publishing this post finally on Sunday evening, 10/31. I felt horrible the next day - I was zero to bat-shit crazy with H. in about 35 seconds.
On Tuesday, I had a conversation with my boss about some 'stuff' going on at work. He reassured me that I am always polite and considerate - but also reassured me that sometimes, taking the very direct approach with people is the best option. I need to address some things happening and it's not 'fun' or 'pretty' to be direct with people. And I wanted to be sure he was OK with me being (even more) firm than usual. He said he can't imagine me ever losing my temper, because I don't. Or yelling, because I don't. Or being pissy, because I'm not. Ever. At work.....
I got a teeny bit teary eyed in my meeting with my boss. Doubt he noticed. And if he did, I'm sure he assumed it was because of the issues I am dealing with at work and the approach I have planned out - which won't be easy. It has been a long couple months and we've many more to go - but it is what it is and I feel a strong, quiet calm about much of it. But it wasn't that. I was emotional because the entire time we were taking, I sat there thinking 'how is it that I can maintain my cool so well at work - always professional; always taking the high road; being direct but never rude or mad - but I can't do that at home for my own kid(s)?' I beat myself up about that for a few days. Really, really down on myself about how I go zero to crazy with H. at virtually every opportunity - and he's my own flesh and blood. When did he become less to me - when did being civil and courteous to him become something I don't do?
I went to dinner with some friends on Friday night - all mom's and all mom's with kids who have 'histories' like H.'s. Their kids are grown now - and they both told me that they still find themselves being suspicious. It's just the nature of living with someone who has a substance abuse issue. And they also reassured me that me being a mom is normal. They also confessed many episodes of zero to crazy in their mom careers and assured me it's 'normal'. It's being a mom. A mom who will do anything to keep her son from stepping back on the path he was on this time last year. ANYTHING - including screaming bloody murder at him.....
I apologized to H. and meant it. I told him that I hope he sees my suspicions and anger for what they truly are: that I love him enough to do anything and say anything to get him to understand how desperately I do not want him to go back to where he was. It would absolutely break my heart....and shatter our relationship forever to have it all repeated.
And yet, even with all that said and truly heart-felt, I'm still suspicious. And probably always will be.....I joked with my cousin on FB last night that I'll probably be suspicious of H. on his wedding day. When everyone else will be wondering if he's got cold feet and that's why he's not at the altar yet, I'll be thinking he's doing something else entirely.....
Will it ever end? Maybe when he becomes a parent.....'cuz then I know he'll know just how much a parent loves you and just how far they'll go to protect you -
That song is running through my head....only substitute the word 'suspicion' instead.....
I was at work by 5AM this morning - so early that even McDonald's wasn't open yet - so no iced tea or yogurt parfait, which is my new, quick, $1 breakfast! It's yummy! And not too bad point wise.
I managed to finish up the project I had to do in time for a 9AM meeting. Plowed through the morning/early afternoon of various meetings. And at 2:30PM, headed home.
H. was not home. Didn't answer his cell phone on the first call. Did answer it on the 2nd. Said he was 'doing PE'. Remember, he's going to a cyber school now - his PE consists of 45 minutes of physical activity. He said he was skateboarding on his long board to the park. He was gone over an hour. At one point, I called again to check on him - and he was talking to 'a friend' around the corner - a friend I've never heard him mention. Hmmm.....
He arrives home and stays home for a bit. Watches TV. Heads upstairs.
A short time later, I think I hear someone come in the front door. The dog definitely heard someone come in the front door. I call out 'B.?'. No answer. 'Is someone there'? No answer. It is clear someone IS there 'cuz I hear footsteps clomping up the stairs. I ask 'who's there'? and H. answers 'it's O.' (his friend). 30 seconds go by. Next thing I know, O. is leaving. Just that fast.
I ask H. to come downstairs. He said 'O. had to leave to go out front and talk to his girlfriend'. I check. They are not out there. He doesn't know where they went. He said 'I told O. you were going to get all suspicious on me'. I said 'you're right - 'cuz I am'. He goes into what I call 'full deflection mode' - indignant that I'm asking. Indignant that I don't 'trust' him. Pissed off that I'm 'always assuming the worst and making a big deal of everything'. Hmmm....wow. It was a very de-ja-vu feeling. I've been here before. I know his master manipulative ways. I know how he can spin a story faster than most of us can snap our fingers.
So when a 'call' from O. occurred minutes later, with H. saying 'no, I'm not sure I can - I've got stuff I have to do now'....I was even MORE suspicious. Like that was either a totally fake call - or he texted O. and asked him to call. To make it sound/look better.
I know he's up to something. If I had listened to my gut 6-9 months ago, we might be in a totally different place....but I didn't then. I am now. I told H. that I'm on to him and I know he's up to something - and when the bottom falls out this time, it will be life changing consequences for all of us.
Time to whip out a drug test - just for laughs.
In the mean time, every bone in my body is fighting the flee response. I don't want to live in this house with a kid that lies and manipulates like the rest of us breath and floss our teeth. I just don't have it in me anymore. My own quiet little apartment sounds like such a nice thing, doesn't it? Though admittedly, it would be hugely selfish - and not fair to J. And better that I'm here 'cuz frankly, J. has zero radar when it comes to that kid. Zip. Nada.
I just let him go to O's house - about a 4 minute skate board trip. He took his car keys. I said 'no, if' you're going to O's house, you can walk or ride your skateboard. You don't need to spend money on gas to drive over there for an hour. Take your board or walk'.
He walked out, slamming everything possible between here and the door. Keys tossed on the counter with a clang. Dog gate - crash. Front door slam. Skate board dropped onto the ground from it's leaning position with enough force to be heard here in the study which is several rooms and quite a few feet away.
Oh, yes.....Mr. Indignant has returned. I remember him. He uses his holier-than-though force field to convince you you're wrong. But I've dealt with him before - I know how he operates. I will not be moved.
If he's up to something, we're going to find out soon. I guarantee it. He doesn't like my vigilance but he's starting to know that I mean business. My mom-radar is always in alert mode - and will be for a very long time.
Postscript:
I am publishing this post finally on Sunday evening, 10/31. I felt horrible the next day - I was zero to bat-shit crazy with H. in about 35 seconds.
On Tuesday, I had a conversation with my boss about some 'stuff' going on at work. He reassured me that I am always polite and considerate - but also reassured me that sometimes, taking the very direct approach with people is the best option. I need to address some things happening and it's not 'fun' or 'pretty' to be direct with people. And I wanted to be sure he was OK with me being (even more) firm than usual. He said he can't imagine me ever losing my temper, because I don't. Or yelling, because I don't. Or being pissy, because I'm not. Ever. At work.....
I got a teeny bit teary eyed in my meeting with my boss. Doubt he noticed. And if he did, I'm sure he assumed it was because of the issues I am dealing with at work and the approach I have planned out - which won't be easy. It has been a long couple months and we've many more to go - but it is what it is and I feel a strong, quiet calm about much of it. But it wasn't that. I was emotional because the entire time we were taking, I sat there thinking 'how is it that I can maintain my cool so well at work - always professional; always taking the high road; being direct but never rude or mad - but I can't do that at home for my own kid(s)?' I beat myself up about that for a few days. Really, really down on myself about how I go zero to crazy with H. at virtually every opportunity - and he's my own flesh and blood. When did he become less to me - when did being civil and courteous to him become something I don't do?
I went to dinner with some friends on Friday night - all mom's and all mom's with kids who have 'histories' like H.'s. Their kids are grown now - and they both told me that they still find themselves being suspicious. It's just the nature of living with someone who has a substance abuse issue. And they also reassured me that me being a mom is normal. They also confessed many episodes of zero to crazy in their mom careers and assured me it's 'normal'. It's being a mom. A mom who will do anything to keep her son from stepping back on the path he was on this time last year. ANYTHING - including screaming bloody murder at him.....
I apologized to H. and meant it. I told him that I hope he sees my suspicions and anger for what they truly are: that I love him enough to do anything and say anything to get him to understand how desperately I do not want him to go back to where he was. It would absolutely break my heart....and shatter our relationship forever to have it all repeated.
And yet, even with all that said and truly heart-felt, I'm still suspicious. And probably always will be.....I joked with my cousin on FB last night that I'll probably be suspicious of H. on his wedding day. When everyone else will be wondering if he's got cold feet and that's why he's not at the altar yet, I'll be thinking he's doing something else entirely.....
Will it ever end? Maybe when he becomes a parent.....'cuz then I know he'll know just how much a parent loves you and just how far they'll go to protect you -
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Pipes
We finished a big project at one of our schools recently which involved installing a second water meter for our irrigation water. This project was expensive but we will save thousands of dollars each year by having the water we're using to maintain our fields at this site (including baseball fields that are used by our local Little League) metered separately. It's been a two year process to get the project done - and it was finished about a month ago.
Except we received a call from the city this week telling us the water meter was not readable because the unit of measurement was wrong.
We informed the city that their inspector had signed off on the work - so they agreed to fix it. They worked with our contractor to make it right. This was my e-mail conversation with my boss -
Me (to my boss): H2O meter at [insert school name] is fixed. City paid plumber to fix it. We're up and running.
Boss: Great! We should drive over and check it out!
Me: It's a big pipe. :-)
Boss: You mean a very expensive big pipe.
Me: Point taken. If you want to go, I'm always open to a field trip - I could use the break.
I should have been a plumber.
Except we received a call from the city this week telling us the water meter was not readable because the unit of measurement was wrong.
We informed the city that their inspector had signed off on the work - so they agreed to fix it. They worked with our contractor to make it right. This was my e-mail conversation with my boss -
Me (to my boss): H2O meter at [insert school name] is fixed. City paid plumber to fix it. We're up and running.
Boss: Great! We should drive over and check it out!
Me: It's a big pipe. :-)
Boss: You mean a very expensive big pipe.
Me: Point taken. If you want to go, I'm always open to a field trip - I could use the break.
I should have been a plumber.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Phone Bank
Sitting here all evening alone - listening to the phone ring and ring. Love caller ID - if I don't know who it is, I simply ignore. If they leave a message - great! If not, that's OK, too.... Most are political calls....I call them 'phone bank' calls now 'cuz I've been phone banking for a cause of my own. Phone banking is signing up to make phone calls and 'pitch' something to a voter. I have new respect for people who are volunteering to phone total strangers and gauge their position on issues, candidates, etc. If I do accidentally answer, I am sincere and very attentive - in recognition of the person's efforts. But most nights, I'm grateful we now have Caller ID and ignoring them is so easy. Three voice mails so far.
J. and H. are in Oakland. I think B. is at school but I'm not positive. I am fading very quickly and will be heading upstairs shortly. It's only 8PM but I've been up at four two days in a row and by 8, I'm dead.
The weekend was uneventful which is nice and is back to what we consider 'the norm'. Having said that, I'm sure this weekend will be anything but normal but oh well. We're wrestling with strange weather....chores we put off on Saturday were impossible to do on Sunday 'cuz it was raining all day. A slow, steady drizzle that freshened the air and made for a nice, cozy day inside. I made cinnamon rolls - they were not stellar. Which doesn't mean they weren't eaten 'cuz they were - boys will eat anything, especially if there's frosting involved. I made up for the so-so breakfast (the milk was too warm and the yeast was 'killed', I think) by making fantastic chicken fried steaks for dinner. They were excellent - possibly the best I've ever made. They were so good that when one of the boys had a midnight snack and left some of the steak on his plate in the sink, the cat jumped onto the counter and fetched the steak out of the sink and took it into the living room! Yuck! I left the house yesterday morning in the pitch black and didn't notice the big blob of meat on the floor - J. found it when he got up.
It was a challenging work day - and I tried hard to remind myself that all things are temporary. Change is hard for people. Some folks would prefer to not be managed. Others expect of everyone around them what they refuse to model themselves. Leadership is hard work. Being a leader means you lead even when you're totally sick of leading. Even when those you are leading follow kicking and screaming the entire way. It's hard. And I just have to stick with it. It's what I'm paid to do.
And I have to remember that for every person I encountered today who was unhappy with a decision I made or disagreed with the direction we are taking on some things, there are always many more who appreciate what I do and how I do it - including my boss. So it all sort of balances out in the end -
(from Positively Positive on Facebook)
J. and H. are in Oakland. I think B. is at school but I'm not positive. I am fading very quickly and will be heading upstairs shortly. It's only 8PM but I've been up at four two days in a row and by 8, I'm dead.
The weekend was uneventful which is nice and is back to what we consider 'the norm'. Having said that, I'm sure this weekend will be anything but normal but oh well. We're wrestling with strange weather....chores we put off on Saturday were impossible to do on Sunday 'cuz it was raining all day. A slow, steady drizzle that freshened the air and made for a nice, cozy day inside. I made cinnamon rolls - they were not stellar. Which doesn't mean they weren't eaten 'cuz they were - boys will eat anything, especially if there's frosting involved. I made up for the so-so breakfast (the milk was too warm and the yeast was 'killed', I think) by making fantastic chicken fried steaks for dinner. They were excellent - possibly the best I've ever made. They were so good that when one of the boys had a midnight snack and left some of the steak on his plate in the sink, the cat jumped onto the counter and fetched the steak out of the sink and took it into the living room! Yuck! I left the house yesterday morning in the pitch black and didn't notice the big blob of meat on the floor - J. found it when he got up.
It was a challenging work day - and I tried hard to remind myself that all things are temporary. Change is hard for people. Some folks would prefer to not be managed. Others expect of everyone around them what they refuse to model themselves. Leadership is hard work. Being a leader means you lead even when you're totally sick of leading. Even when those you are leading follow kicking and screaming the entire way. It's hard. And I just have to stick with it. It's what I'm paid to do.
And I have to remember that for every person I encountered today who was unhappy with a decision I made or disagreed with the direction we are taking on some things, there are always many more who appreciate what I do and how I do it - including my boss. So it all sort of balances out in the end -
(from Positively Positive on Facebook)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Macy's!
It's a big weekend in our town - Macy's is opening this week! We made a donation to our church in exchange for passes to the new store TODAY - five days before the 'official' opening! Our shopping list is long and we can't wait!! We just finished 'brunch' (eggs, toast, turkey sausage) that was both breakfast and lunch and we're heading out soon.
H. is driving to Alameda today to visit a friend. It's a long drive and I'm nervous about it - but he's been planning this rendezvous for a long time. Visiting a cute girl trumps shopping at Macy's any day of the week - and weekends are pretty much the only time he can visit her.
I've emptied the shred bin (by shredding, of course! Unlike last week when H. helped me by emptying it unshredded into the giant recycle bin outside. Luckily, we were able to successfully fish out everything). Updated my status on Weight Watchers (down 2.5 lbs this week!!). Attempted to tidy up my desk. Lots to do this weekend - and I hope to try to make a batch of cinnamon rolls for work on Monday. Today is 'Bosses Day' and my team gave me a really pretty plant and a nice card yesterday. We're all dieting but on a Monday morning, I suspect they will agree to a splurge and enjoy a breakfast treat.
Grocery, errands, Macy's, yard work....busy weekend!
H. is driving to Alameda today to visit a friend. It's a long drive and I'm nervous about it - but he's been planning this rendezvous for a long time. Visiting a cute girl trumps shopping at Macy's any day of the week - and weekends are pretty much the only time he can visit her.
I've emptied the shred bin (by shredding, of course! Unlike last week when H. helped me by emptying it unshredded into the giant recycle bin outside. Luckily, we were able to successfully fish out everything). Updated my status on Weight Watchers (down 2.5 lbs this week!!). Attempted to tidy up my desk. Lots to do this weekend - and I hope to try to make a batch of cinnamon rolls for work on Monday. Today is 'Bosses Day' and my team gave me a really pretty plant and a nice card yesterday. We're all dieting but on a Monday morning, I suspect they will agree to a splurge and enjoy a breakfast treat.
Grocery, errands, Macy's, yard work....busy weekend!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Parachute
I spent yesterday in Sacramento listening to the update on the recently passed State budget. I was with my boss who is an entertaining and fun 'travel' buddy. It's great to have a boss that making small talk with is not a problem. We passed the hour+ each way in the car with easy banter and also managed to transact a fair amount of 'business', which is great 'cuz our schedules are both so jammed that we rarely get to spend time catching each other up on our respective worlds.
You know how you hear a song in the early part of your day and it runs through your head from that point on? During the entire class, this song was running through my head....most especially the chorus.
And as it ran through my head, over and over and over, I was thinking of my parachute. My sweet J. And alternating between being so madly in love with my husband and attempting to listen to the business I was supposed to be listening to. Running in my head over and over....'I don't need a parachute, baby, if I've got you'.....
We are a great team in all things - me and my J. . We parent the same (tough love). We work the same (like maniacs). We enjoy a lot of the same things. And it's such a great thing to have someone you know will pick up the slack when you need them to. Someone to catch you if you're falling. I've been feeling like I'm falling a lot lately. I'm not - but I feel like I am.
I post it here and hope you will listen to it or hear it in your car one day - it's catchy.
J., I love you - and I love how there are so many songs that are totally, completely 'you' in my head. Add this one to the list -
I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand
Don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned
I won't tell anybody/won't tell anybody
They wanna push me down/they wanna see you fall
I don't tell anybody that you turn the world around
I won't tell anyone that your voice is my favorite sound
I won't tell anybody/won't tell anybody
They wanna see us fall/they wanna see us fall down
Chorus:
I don't need a parachute baby if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you, I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me/you're gonna catch if I fall
(down, down, down)
Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night
You are your own worst enemy; you'll never win the fight
Just hold on to me and I'll hold onto you
it's you and me against the world it's you and me, love
I don't believe anything, don't trust anyone anymore
But I believe you when you say we're never gonna fall
Hand behind my neck, arm around my waist
Never let me hit the ground, you'll never let me crash down
I won't fall outta love
I won't fall outta...
I'll fall into you
You know how you hear a song in the early part of your day and it runs through your head from that point on? During the entire class, this song was running through my head....most especially the chorus.
And as it ran through my head, over and over and over, I was thinking of my parachute. My sweet J. And alternating between being so madly in love with my husband and attempting to listen to the business I was supposed to be listening to. Running in my head over and over....'I don't need a parachute, baby, if I've got you'.....
We are a great team in all things - me and my J. . We parent the same (tough love). We work the same (like maniacs). We enjoy a lot of the same things. And it's such a great thing to have someone you know will pick up the slack when you need them to. Someone to catch you if you're falling. I've been feeling like I'm falling a lot lately. I'm not - but I feel like I am.
I post it here and hope you will listen to it or hear it in your car one day - it's catchy.
J., I love you - and I love how there are so many songs that are totally, completely 'you' in my head. Add this one to the list -
I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand
Don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned
I won't tell anybody/won't tell anybody
They wanna push me down/they wanna see you fall
I don't tell anybody that you turn the world around
I won't tell anyone that your voice is my favorite sound
I won't tell anybody/won't tell anybody
They wanna see us fall/they wanna see us fall down
Chorus:
I don't need a parachute baby if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you, I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me/you're gonna catch if I fall
(down, down, down)
Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night
You are your own worst enemy; you'll never win the fight
Just hold on to me and I'll hold onto you
it's you and me against the world it's you and me, love
I don't believe anything, don't trust anyone anymore
But I believe you when you say we're never gonna fall
Hand behind my neck, arm around my waist
Never let me hit the ground, you'll never let me crash down
I won't fall outta love
I won't fall outta...
I'll fall into you
Monday, October 04, 2010
Trimming
I am spending the day productively - making it my personal mission to fill up the lawn trimming bin before Wednesday morning's pickup. It's pretty darn full - have trimmed trees, shrubs, etc. Even had H. work with me using a hand saw to saw off some tree branches! There's one more I want to cut off but decided I would wait for J. to see it before I do it - reasonably sure he will agree (it's a big branch hanging right over the pool) - but it's 'big' and I don't want to make that much of an appearance change without him agreeing it's for the best. It is. And he will agree. I hope. :-)
I also need to take a break 'cuz I have blisters on one finger and a blister forming on the palm of my hand....manual labor leaves it's scars.
Also ran a few errands....the ones I didn't get to this weekend. Purchased potting soil and my next project is to re pot the bamboo tree that is looking sad in our entry way. Reasonably sure it's 'root bound' and needs a bigger pot; however, I'm also reasonably sure that it will then be in a pot that is too large for me to move by myself.
H. just got home from school - and my suspicions are up again. He said he's going 'to so-and-so's house and then to a different so and so's house'. When I say 'ok, so I can call over to the first so and so and confirm you are there and there is a parent home', and he replies 'I guess, if you have to'. Moments later, he's on his phone and the plans have changed. He's going to the 2nd so-and-so's house - which I will be checking on momentarily. He's up to something. And he knows I'm on to him so he's being a bit 'sneakier' than usual.....
J. just called for the first time - we've been checking in via email but he was at a very late dinner last night and since he'd had so little sleep the night before, he was wiped out. So we said our good night's via his Blackberry and me at the computer. He's heading to cocktails and dinner again - he travels to NC tomorrow. Miss him.
Even with my huge 'cheating' (cinnamon rolls) this weekend - which wasn't really all that bad since I just ate them as part of my daily points, though admittedly they are not at all healthy - I still lost 3 pounds this week! Yeah! I'm resisting the cinnamony madness wrapped on the stove - leaving them to the boys. They were delicious - but I felt the sugar hit like a truck - and that alone was a great reminder to get back on the 'no sugar is better' plan. It tastes delicious and there's a slight 'boost' - and then you feel like you've been hit by a truck when the carb let down starts. Not for me. Getting used to less sugar is a great thing - cravings are greatly diminished, which is a blessing. My one point treat each evening is doing the trick!
Back outside to do the plant repotting. Am also considering at least hosing off my filthy car. We got some light sprinkles on Sunday which really just made the dirt on the car look like mud. It's a mess.....and I don't like it being so dirty. So I'll see if a quick rinse will help.
Tomorrow, it's back to the trenches - dreading it. But what must be must be.....
I also need to take a break 'cuz I have blisters on one finger and a blister forming on the palm of my hand....manual labor leaves it's scars.
Also ran a few errands....the ones I didn't get to this weekend. Purchased potting soil and my next project is to re pot the bamboo tree that is looking sad in our entry way. Reasonably sure it's 'root bound' and needs a bigger pot; however, I'm also reasonably sure that it will then be in a pot that is too large for me to move by myself.
H. just got home from school - and my suspicions are up again. He said he's going 'to so-and-so's house and then to a different so and so's house'. When I say 'ok, so I can call over to the first so and so and confirm you are there and there is a parent home', and he replies 'I guess, if you have to'. Moments later, he's on his phone and the plans have changed. He's going to the 2nd so-and-so's house - which I will be checking on momentarily. He's up to something. And he knows I'm on to him so he's being a bit 'sneakier' than usual.....
J. just called for the first time - we've been checking in via email but he was at a very late dinner last night and since he'd had so little sleep the night before, he was wiped out. So we said our good night's via his Blackberry and me at the computer. He's heading to cocktails and dinner again - he travels to NC tomorrow. Miss him.
Even with my huge 'cheating' (cinnamon rolls) this weekend - which wasn't really all that bad since I just ate them as part of my daily points, though admittedly they are not at all healthy - I still lost 3 pounds this week! Yeah! I'm resisting the cinnamony madness wrapped on the stove - leaving them to the boys. They were delicious - but I felt the sugar hit like a truck - and that alone was a great reminder to get back on the 'no sugar is better' plan. It tastes delicious and there's a slight 'boost' - and then you feel like you've been hit by a truck when the carb let down starts. Not for me. Getting used to less sugar is a great thing - cravings are greatly diminished, which is a blessing. My one point treat each evening is doing the trick!
Back outside to do the plant repotting. Am also considering at least hosing off my filthy car. We got some light sprinkles on Sunday which really just made the dirt on the car look like mud. It's a mess.....and I don't like it being so dirty. So I'll see if a quick rinse will help.
Tomorrow, it's back to the trenches - dreading it. But what must be must be.....
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Shhhh
Don't tell 'the kids'....but I just made the final payment on our Disneyland trip. Compromised by reducing by one night - saving $517 in room, ticket and meals. We'll still have plenty of fun in store and the change helped me 'rationalize' spending money we really shouldn't spend. So we're going.
Now I have to start saving up for 'incidentals'. That darn Pooh store gets me every time!
Now I have to start saving up for 'incidentals'. That darn Pooh store gets me every time!
Cinnamon Success
The kitchen looked like a hurricane had passed through - and the dark top and pants I had on were splattered with flour, dried dough and other gunk - but the cinnamon rolls were TO DIE FOR just as The Pioneer Woman had said they were. They were/are fantastic - and there's another batch of dough and already prepared frosting waiting for me to make another batch later today. After I hose down the kitchen, unload the dishwasher and then reload it with all the stuff that wouldn't fit in the first time. I'll get better at my 'method' and my mechanics will improve - but the toughest critic in the house (B.) pronounced them AWESOME and seemed a teeny bit in awe that I had made them 'from scratch'. He said 'so you made the dough and everything?'. Um, yes, I DID! Yeah me! My first attempt at a recipe with yeast turned out great - may even bake bread.
Baking bread got me thinking about my sister-in-law - she baked all the family bread from scratch. She also made English muffins from scratch - and used tuna cans with both lids removed - for her 'muffin mold'. She was really thrifty - she wanted to be home with her boys and not work - so she baked a lot of things herself. I sort of wish I'd paid more attention to how she did it all - her breads and muffins were always so good. Though at the time, I remember thinking 'wow, that's spending a ton of time for two loaves of bread and we could just run down the block to Von's and pick up some there'. But now, I kind of get it. There's a lot of satisfaction in doing things 'yourself' and letting the process be a part of the experience. It was good 'exercise' for me to be up and moving so much yesterday - and the fact that I recognized it as movement is a good indicator that I need to (continue to) move more....
H. and I had a little talk - he got to express why he was angry. And I got to express that I understand he's angry but I am in fact trusting him the majority of the time. I vetoed a decision that would have had him spending the night in a house with several boys, two of whom were friends who he 'hung out' with in his 'prior to rehab' life. And I vetoed that. Which then sent him into a tizzy with 'you just said you do trust me but then you don't'. I said 'I do trust you, H. I'm allowing you to visit friends frequently; to use your car to go places and do things; to hang out with friends at their homes or at school events. All those things require me trusting you. But that doesn't mean that when I hear you planning to put yourself in a situation where you may be with people who choose to use while you are there - and you will then have to say no - that I'm going to sit here and say 'ok, sure' to that. I won't. And you shouldn't either. It bothers me that your mind is back to the place of 'I can do what I want when I want with who I want' because if you keep having those thoughts, you will likely use again. You need to limit your exposure to people who do drugs as entertainment - and you were about to put yourself smack dab in the middle of just that kind of situation. So I said 'no'. And that makes you mad at me. And I'm OK with that. Better you be mad at me then use again - because you will not live in this house if you relapse. And I'm just doing everything in my power to keep that from happening'.
We are hugely proud of him - how he's stayed sober and clean for four months. And we know that's hard for him. He is exposed to 'it' everyday and he is making the decision every day to not use. And that's hard for him - but he's doing it. He just seems to think that it is a 'done deal' now - that having avoided it for four months means he's 'ok' now. And I just don't think it's going to be that easy. And I'm still making it my business to help him make the best decisions possible when I think he's not - and he resents the heck out of that. Oh well.
I also pointed out that he's stopped regularly attending AA meetings - he was going every night - but he's gotten sloppy about that....which is another red flag (for me) that his head is in a place where he might just get the 'f-it' approach to these issues and decide to use.
So I stay vigilant. I change travel plans. I stay close to home. I force him to communicate when he'd prefer not to. I force him to keep communicating when it's clear he's not going to get what he 'wants' from me....he's not getting permission to be overnight with people who use. Period. End of story.
And he fumes in the other room. And I'm OK with that......
In eight short months, he will be 18. And he will decide. He'll either leave and enlist. Or leave and do ?? to support himself. Or he'll choose to continue to live here, under the same 'rules' that exist today and go to college for a couple years.
He fumed. He went to a friends house for a bit. And he came home unexpectedly just before 8PM and said 'I'm going to a meeting'.
So I know I was 'on to something' and I know I did the right thing. And I'm glad I was here to intervene 'cuz if I'd been in SC, the scenario would have been a lot different. No adult at home would have changed the scene considerably. So I feel better about being here vs. there. Though I wish I could have been two places at once.
J. is in MN already - he had about two hours sleep last night but slept a bit on the plane. The Eagles concert was good with the only complaint being they did not play New York Minute. They had a nice time. It took a triple shot latte with my strongest espresso pods (12's on scale that usually ends with 10) to get B. moving and off to work by 10:30...but he managed.
I hear son #2 up and moving so I need to do the same. It sprinkled a bit last night and this morning - the air is so fresh and clean. I've got all the windows open - it's going to be a beautiful day. The sun just came out and it's still in the low 70's. Good car washing, gardening weather.
Baking bread got me thinking about my sister-in-law - she baked all the family bread from scratch. She also made English muffins from scratch - and used tuna cans with both lids removed - for her 'muffin mold'. She was really thrifty - she wanted to be home with her boys and not work - so she baked a lot of things herself. I sort of wish I'd paid more attention to how she did it all - her breads and muffins were always so good. Though at the time, I remember thinking 'wow, that's spending a ton of time for two loaves of bread and we could just run down the block to Von's and pick up some there'. But now, I kind of get it. There's a lot of satisfaction in doing things 'yourself' and letting the process be a part of the experience. It was good 'exercise' for me to be up and moving so much yesterday - and the fact that I recognized it as movement is a good indicator that I need to (continue to) move more....
H. and I had a little talk - he got to express why he was angry. And I got to express that I understand he's angry but I am in fact trusting him the majority of the time. I vetoed a decision that would have had him spending the night in a house with several boys, two of whom were friends who he 'hung out' with in his 'prior to rehab' life. And I vetoed that. Which then sent him into a tizzy with 'you just said you do trust me but then you don't'. I said 'I do trust you, H. I'm allowing you to visit friends frequently; to use your car to go places and do things; to hang out with friends at their homes or at school events. All those things require me trusting you. But that doesn't mean that when I hear you planning to put yourself in a situation where you may be with people who choose to use while you are there - and you will then have to say no - that I'm going to sit here and say 'ok, sure' to that. I won't. And you shouldn't either. It bothers me that your mind is back to the place of 'I can do what I want when I want with who I want' because if you keep having those thoughts, you will likely use again. You need to limit your exposure to people who do drugs as entertainment - and you were about to put yourself smack dab in the middle of just that kind of situation. So I said 'no'. And that makes you mad at me. And I'm OK with that. Better you be mad at me then use again - because you will not live in this house if you relapse. And I'm just doing everything in my power to keep that from happening'.
We are hugely proud of him - how he's stayed sober and clean for four months. And we know that's hard for him. He is exposed to 'it' everyday and he is making the decision every day to not use. And that's hard for him - but he's doing it. He just seems to think that it is a 'done deal' now - that having avoided it for four months means he's 'ok' now. And I just don't think it's going to be that easy. And I'm still making it my business to help him make the best decisions possible when I think he's not - and he resents the heck out of that. Oh well.
I also pointed out that he's stopped regularly attending AA meetings - he was going every night - but he's gotten sloppy about that....which is another red flag (for me) that his head is in a place where he might just get the 'f-it' approach to these issues and decide to use.
So I stay vigilant. I change travel plans. I stay close to home. I force him to communicate when he'd prefer not to. I force him to keep communicating when it's clear he's not going to get what he 'wants' from me....he's not getting permission to be overnight with people who use. Period. End of story.
And he fumes in the other room. And I'm OK with that......
In eight short months, he will be 18. And he will decide. He'll either leave and enlist. Or leave and do ?? to support himself. Or he'll choose to continue to live here, under the same 'rules' that exist today and go to college for a couple years.
He fumed. He went to a friends house for a bit. And he came home unexpectedly just before 8PM and said 'I'm going to a meeting'.
So I know I was 'on to something' and I know I did the right thing. And I'm glad I was here to intervene 'cuz if I'd been in SC, the scenario would have been a lot different. No adult at home would have changed the scene considerably. So I feel better about being here vs. there. Though I wish I could have been two places at once.
J. is in MN already - he had about two hours sleep last night but slept a bit on the plane. The Eagles concert was good with the only complaint being they did not play New York Minute. They had a nice time. It took a triple shot latte with my strongest espresso pods (12's on scale that usually ends with 10) to get B. moving and off to work by 10:30...but he managed.
I hear son #2 up and moving so I need to do the same. It sprinkled a bit last night and this morning - the air is so fresh and clean. I've got all the windows open - it's going to be a beautiful day. The sun just came out and it's still in the low 70's. Good car washing, gardening weather.
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Unease
My cousin S. in Arizona perfectly expressed my feelings these days - I shared this general sense of 'unease' I've had lately - on so many different levels and for so many different reasons. And she summed it up perfectly - 'for a strong woman, that can be the worst'. And she's so right.
I sort of think it's like my issue with watching movies, etc. I want to know how it all turns out. As long as I know, I'm good. But if I don't know, then I really don't want to watch - I don't enjoy the process of watching enough to make the unease worth it. That's an 'AH-HA' [emphasis on the HAH!] moment for me for sure - because we all know that life doesn't give you previews. And as good as I am at 'living in the moment' (which I really am pretty great at most of the time), there are these incidences of NOT being able to do that.....so, SO not being able. And I suck at that part...suck at the not knowing and the ability to figure out how to move past it sometimes. I know I will....but the in between days are horribly hard.
All of this stuff with H. is playing out little by little. And unease has been and will be a huge part of it. And I just don't do unease well.
Add in some work unease......and some life unease......and it's all sort of a general dissatisfaction for no particular reason - and I keep hoping it will abate - but so far, it's not.
It's just me and H. tonight - not sure what we'll do for dinner. But I'm attempting to make home made (yes, from scratch) cinnamon rolls and if I'm successful, I will be eating some - so I won't have many points left for dinner. Though all I've had is cottage cheese, pineapple (1 c. each) and a Weight Watchers Giant Latte frozen treat all day, which is about 5 points total. It's approaching 4PM so I'm pretty darn hungry....
Here's the stupid thing - which I am going to fix today/tonight if it kills me: we had to switch our money tracking system to Quicken (from MS Money) - and to be honest, I hate it. And I know - absolutely, positively KNOW - that is where a big part of my unease stems from. I feel 'off' in terms of having my head wrapped around our finances. I'm still paying bills and tracking accounts, etc. But it's just so incredibly different than MS Money - it is very disorienting - and dis-ease causing. So I need to tackle that - it's been six weeks on the 'new' system and it's still foreign to me - and I'm pretty computer savvy. So I need to just figure it all out so it becomes as 2nd nature to me as MS Money was - and that will probably help me start back down the path of 'righting my world'.
Then I just need to tackle work, laundry ('cuz J.'s leaving tomorrow and I'll be doing laundry [though he has made a huge dent today - thanks, honey!]) and preparing for the week. And deciding if I'm still going to plan to be off on Monday or go in since I'm not out of town. I should go in. But I don't want to.
Here's my current plan:
Will finish the cinnamon rolls -
Will open up Quicken for the umpteenth time this week and really attempt to figure out some mechanical things about it that are bugging me -
Will figure out what to do for dinner for me and H. - who's currently somewhat pissed at me, so it will likely be something we will eat in separate rooms -
Will clean the fingerprints off the doors ('cuz they've been bugging me for awhile); maybe take the dog for a walk; enjoy a quiet evening reading or watching TV; get a good night's sleep -
and prepare for a week of being a single parent while J.'s off on a business trip.....
And at some point next week, I'm sure my 'strong woman' confidence will return and my unease will abate and my world will return to 'normal'. Or as my brother said on the phone 'a new normal'.
Seems there's always room for 'a new normal'.....
I sort of think it's like my issue with watching movies, etc. I want to know how it all turns out. As long as I know, I'm good. But if I don't know, then I really don't want to watch - I don't enjoy the process of watching enough to make the unease worth it. That's an 'AH-HA' [emphasis on the HAH!] moment for me for sure - because we all know that life doesn't give you previews. And as good as I am at 'living in the moment' (which I really am pretty great at most of the time), there are these incidences of NOT being able to do that.....so, SO not being able. And I suck at that part...suck at the not knowing and the ability to figure out how to move past it sometimes. I know I will....but the in between days are horribly hard.
All of this stuff with H. is playing out little by little. And unease has been and will be a huge part of it. And I just don't do unease well.
Add in some work unease......and some life unease......and it's all sort of a general dissatisfaction for no particular reason - and I keep hoping it will abate - but so far, it's not.
It's just me and H. tonight - not sure what we'll do for dinner. But I'm attempting to make home made (yes, from scratch) cinnamon rolls and if I'm successful, I will be eating some - so I won't have many points left for dinner. Though all I've had is cottage cheese, pineapple (1 c. each) and a Weight Watchers Giant Latte frozen treat all day, which is about 5 points total. It's approaching 4PM so I'm pretty darn hungry....
Here's the stupid thing - which I am going to fix today/tonight if it kills me: we had to switch our money tracking system to Quicken (from MS Money) - and to be honest, I hate it. And I know - absolutely, positively KNOW - that is where a big part of my unease stems from. I feel 'off' in terms of having my head wrapped around our finances. I'm still paying bills and tracking accounts, etc. But it's just so incredibly different than MS Money - it is very disorienting - and dis-ease causing. So I need to tackle that - it's been six weeks on the 'new' system and it's still foreign to me - and I'm pretty computer savvy. So I need to just figure it all out so it becomes as 2nd nature to me as MS Money was - and that will probably help me start back down the path of 'righting my world'.
Then I just need to tackle work, laundry ('cuz J.'s leaving tomorrow and I'll be doing laundry [though he has made a huge dent today - thanks, honey!]) and preparing for the week. And deciding if I'm still going to plan to be off on Monday or go in since I'm not out of town. I should go in. But I don't want to.
Here's my current plan:
Will finish the cinnamon rolls -
Will open up Quicken for the umpteenth time this week and really attempt to figure out some mechanical things about it that are bugging me -
Will figure out what to do for dinner for me and H. - who's currently somewhat pissed at me, so it will likely be something we will eat in separate rooms -
Will clean the fingerprints off the doors ('cuz they've been bugging me for awhile); maybe take the dog for a walk; enjoy a quiet evening reading or watching TV; get a good night's sleep -
and prepare for a week of being a single parent while J.'s off on a business trip.....
And at some point next week, I'm sure my 'strong woman' confidence will return and my unease will abate and my world will return to 'normal'. Or as my brother said on the phone 'a new normal'.
Seems there's always room for 'a new normal'.....
Friday, October 01, 2010
Revision
I am not winging my way to SC for the weekend.....my reasons revolve around situations here at home that make staying 'grounded' the better option for me, at this point. I will keep specifics private - because even those who routinely write about their personal situations on blogs sometimes prefer to just leave some details unsaid. It was a hard decision - I really stressed myself out about 'what to do' and in the end, I know I made the best decision for me and my immediate family. I talked to the two people who were most affected by my decision (my travel buddy sister and my brother) and they completely understood my reasons for sticking close to home this weekend. I didn't feel compelled to 'make excuses' to the list of invitees who are also attending. A simple 'unable to make it' is all that will be offered - my plans changed. That's the best I can offer at this point -
I loved talking to my brother - reminded me of the great conversations we had when I was living there with them. He's is so incredibly sharp-witted and smart and has such diverse interests. I know this is a really hard time for him (and his two sons) but he summed it up best when he said 'we will find our new normal'. Some incredibly hard days still ahead - and he said he realizes that every time he thinks he just went through the last 'really hard thing' only to find another just around the corner. And that's so true in every one's experience of losing a loved one - new normal is constantly changing state of flux - and you just have to keep getting through a moment at time. He's doing OK - and I have promised to do a better job keeping in touch. He's on Facebook, so hopefully we can all 'draw him out' and catch him when he's online so we can IM each other now and then. If not, there's always the good old-fashioned phone. We did reconnect and I hope we will continue to do so - I know I intend to call far more often than I've ever called before. And hopefully, little by little, it will become easier to talk.
So I'm here at home - having decided that the two days I booked 'off' shall remain so - and facing four days (now three and half remaining) of time at home. H. wants to repaint his room a more 'adult' color (than the bright sea blue we painted it awhile back) and if the temps stay moderate this weekend, we will work on that project.
J. and B. are going to the Eagles concert tomorrow night - B.'s birthday gift to J. - and then J. is leaving on Sunday morning around 3AM for the airport to wing his way to Minnesota for two days and then to North Carolina for two days before returning home Thursday. Just me and the boys next week - making our typical busy week even busier.
I loved talking to my brother - reminded me of the great conversations we had when I was living there with them. He's is so incredibly sharp-witted and smart and has such diverse interests. I know this is a really hard time for him (and his two sons) but he summed it up best when he said 'we will find our new normal'. Some incredibly hard days still ahead - and he said he realizes that every time he thinks he just went through the last 'really hard thing' only to find another just around the corner. And that's so true in every one's experience of losing a loved one - new normal is constantly changing state of flux - and you just have to keep getting through a moment at time. He's doing OK - and I have promised to do a better job keeping in touch. He's on Facebook, so hopefully we can all 'draw him out' and catch him when he's online so we can IM each other now and then. If not, there's always the good old-fashioned phone. We did reconnect and I hope we will continue to do so - I know I intend to call far more often than I've ever called before. And hopefully, little by little, it will become easier to talk.
So I'm here at home - having decided that the two days I booked 'off' shall remain so - and facing four days (now three and half remaining) of time at home. H. wants to repaint his room a more 'adult' color (than the bright sea blue we painted it awhile back) and if the temps stay moderate this weekend, we will work on that project.
J. and B. are going to the Eagles concert tomorrow night - B.'s birthday gift to J. - and then J. is leaving on Sunday morning around 3AM for the airport to wing his way to Minnesota for two days and then to North Carolina for two days before returning home Thursday. Just me and the boys next week - making our typical busy week even busier.
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Tales of Helpers
Our cleaning lady D. is here today - she wears earbuds and chats on the phone while she works. She is the third cleaning 'person(s)'...
