Suspicion!

Think of Fiddler on the Roof. The song 'Tradition'. Remember the emphasis. Tra-DI-TION! Bum-bum-ba-da-da-ra-bum -TRADITION!

That song is running through my head....only substitute the word 'suspicion' instead.....

I was at work by 5AM this morning - so early that even McDonald's wasn't open yet - so no iced tea or yogurt parfait, which is my new, quick, $1 breakfast! It's yummy! And not too bad point wise.

I managed to finish up the project I had to do in time for a 9AM meeting. Plowed through the morning/early afternoon of various meetings. And at 2:30PM, headed home.

H. was not home. Didn't answer his cell phone on the first call. Did answer it on the 2nd. Said he was 'doing PE'. Remember, he's going to a cyber school now - his PE consists of 45 minutes of physical activity. He said he was skateboarding on his long board to the park. He was gone over an hour. At one point, I called again to check on him - and he was talking to 'a friend' around the corner - a friend I've never heard him mention. Hmmm.....

He arrives home and stays home for a bit. Watches TV. Heads upstairs.

A short time later, I think I hear someone come in the front door. The dog definitely heard someone come in the front door. I call out 'B.?'. No answer. 'Is someone there'? No answer. It is clear someone IS there 'cuz I hear footsteps clomping up the stairs. I ask 'who's there'? and H. answers 'it's O.' (his friend). 30 seconds go by. Next thing I know, O. is leaving. Just that fast.

I ask H. to come downstairs. He said 'O. had to leave to go out front and talk to his girlfriend'. I check. They are not out there. He doesn't know where they went. He said 'I told O. you were going to get all suspicious on me'. I said 'you're right - 'cuz I am'. He goes into what I call 'full deflection mode' - indignant that I'm asking. Indignant that I don't 'trust' him. Pissed off that I'm 'always assuming the worst and making a big deal of everything'. Hmmm....wow. It was a very de-ja-vu feeling. I've been here before. I know his master manipulative ways. I know how he can spin a story faster than most of us can snap our fingers.

So when a 'call' from O. occurred minutes later, with H. saying 'no, I'm not sure I can - I've got stuff I have to do now'....I was even MORE suspicious. Like that was either a totally fake call - or he texted O. and asked him to call. To make it sound/look better.

I know he's up to something. If I had listened to my gut 6-9 months ago, we might be in a totally different place....but I didn't then. I am now. I told H. that I'm on to him and I know he's up to something - and when the bottom falls out this time, it will be life changing consequences for all of us.

Time to whip out a drug test - just for laughs.

In the mean time, every bone in my body is fighting the flee response. I don't want to live in this house with a kid that lies and manipulates like the rest of us breath and floss our teeth. I just don't have it in me anymore. My own quiet little apartment sounds like such a nice thing, doesn't it? Though admittedly, it would be hugely selfish - and not fair to J. And better that I'm here 'cuz frankly, J. has zero radar when it comes to that kid. Zip. Nada.

I just let him go to O's house - about a 4 minute skate board trip. He took his car keys. I said 'no, if' you're going to O's house, you can walk or ride your skateboard. You don't need to spend money on gas to drive over there for an hour. Take your board or walk'.

He walked out, slamming everything possible between here and the door. Keys tossed on the counter with a clang. Dog gate - crash. Front door slam. Skate board dropped onto the ground from it's leaning position with enough force to be heard here in the study which is several rooms and quite a few feet away.

Oh, yes.....Mr. Indignant has returned. I remember him. He uses his holier-than-though force field to convince you you're wrong. But I've dealt with him before - I know how he operates. I will not be moved.

If he's up to something, we're going to find out soon. I guarantee it. He doesn't like my vigilance but he's starting to know that I mean business. My mom-radar is always in alert mode - and will be for a very long time.

Postscript:

I am publishing this post finally on Sunday evening, 10/31. I felt horrible the next day - I was zero to bat-shit crazy with H. in about 35 seconds.

On Tuesday, I had a conversation with my boss about some 'stuff' going on at work. He reassured me that I am always polite and considerate - but also reassured me that sometimes, taking the very direct approach with people is the best option. I need to address some things happening and it's not 'fun' or 'pretty' to be direct with people. And I wanted to be sure he was OK with me being (even more) firm than usual. He said he can't imagine me ever losing my temper, because I don't. Or yelling, because I don't. Or being pissy, because I'm not. Ever. At work.....

I got a teeny bit teary eyed in my meeting with my boss. Doubt he noticed. And if he did, I'm sure he assumed it was because of the issues I am dealing with at work and the approach I have planned out - which won't be easy. It has been a long couple months and we've many more to go - but it is what it is and I feel a strong, quiet calm about much of it. But it wasn't that. I was emotional because the entire time we were taking, I sat there thinking 'how is it that I can maintain my cool so well at work - always professional; always taking the high road; being direct but never rude or mad - but I can't do that at home for my own kid(s)?' I beat myself up about that for a few days. Really, really down on myself about how I go zero to crazy with H. at virtually every opportunity - and he's my own flesh and blood. When did he become less to me - when did being civil and courteous to him become something I don't do?

I went to dinner with some friends on Friday night - all mom's and all mom's with kids who have 'histories' like H.'s. Their kids are grown now - and they both told me that they still find themselves being suspicious. It's just the nature of living with someone who has a substance abuse issue. And they also reassured me that me being a mom is normal. They also confessed many episodes of zero to crazy in their mom careers and assured me it's 'normal'. It's being a mom. A mom who will do anything to keep her son from stepping back on the path he was on this time last year. ANYTHING - including screaming bloody murder at him.....

I apologized to H. and meant it. I told him that I hope he sees my suspicions and anger for what they truly are: that I love him enough to do anything and say anything to get him to understand how desperately I do not want him to go back to where he was. It would absolutely break my heart....and shatter our relationship forever to have it all repeated.

And yet, even with all that said and truly heart-felt, I'm still suspicious. And probably always will be.....I joked with my cousin on FB last night that I'll probably be suspicious of H. on his wedding day. When everyone else will be wondering if he's got cold feet and that's why he's not at the altar yet, I'll be thinking he's doing something else entirely.....

Will it ever end? Maybe when he becomes a parent.....'cuz then I know he'll know just how much a parent loves you and just how far they'll go to protect you -