Unease

My cousin S. in Arizona perfectly expressed my feelings these days - I shared this general sense of 'unease' I've had lately - on so many different levels and for so many different reasons. And she summed it up perfectly - 'for a strong woman, that can be the worst'. And she's so right.

I sort of think it's like my issue with watching movies, etc. I want to know how it all turns out. As long as I know, I'm good. But if I don't know, then I really don't want to watch - I don't enjoy the process of watching enough to make the unease worth it. That's an 'AH-HA' [emphasis on the HAH!] moment for me for sure - because we all know that life doesn't give you previews. And as good as I am at 'living in the moment' (which I really am pretty great at most of the time), there are these incidences of NOT being able to do that.....so, SO not being able. And I suck at that part...suck at the not knowing and the ability to figure out how to move past it sometimes. I know I will....but the in between days are horribly hard.

All of this stuff with H. is playing out little by little. And unease has been and will be a huge part of it. And I just don't do unease well.

Add in some work unease......and some life unease......and it's all sort of a general dissatisfaction for no particular reason - and I keep hoping it will abate - but so far, it's not.

It's just me and H. tonight - not sure what we'll do for dinner. But I'm attempting to make home made (yes, from scratch) cinnamon rolls and if I'm successful, I will be eating some - so I won't have many points left for dinner. Though all I've had is cottage cheese, pineapple (1 c. each) and a Weight Watchers Giant Latte frozen treat all day, which is about 5 points total. It's approaching 4PM so I'm pretty darn hungry....

Here's the stupid thing - which I am going to fix today/tonight if it kills me: we had to switch our money tracking system to Quicken (from MS Money) - and to be honest, I hate it. And I know - absolutely, positively KNOW - that is where a big part of my unease stems from. I feel 'off' in terms of having my head wrapped around our finances. I'm still paying bills and tracking accounts, etc. But it's just so incredibly different than MS Money - it is very disorienting - and dis-ease causing. So I need to tackle that - it's been six weeks on the 'new' system and it's still foreign to me - and I'm pretty computer savvy. So I need to just figure it all out so it becomes as 2nd nature to me as MS Money was - and that will probably help me start back down the path of 'righting my world'.

Then I just need to tackle work, laundry ('cuz J.'s leaving tomorrow and I'll be doing laundry [though he has made a huge dent today - thanks, honey!]) and preparing for the week. And deciding if I'm still going to plan to be off on Monday or go in since I'm not out of town. I should go in. But I don't want to.

Here's my current plan:

Will finish the cinnamon rolls -

Will open up Quicken for the umpteenth time this week and really attempt to figure out some mechanical things about it that are bugging me -

Will figure out what to do for dinner for me and H. - who's currently somewhat pissed at me, so it will likely be something we will eat in separate rooms -

Will clean the fingerprints off the doors ('cuz they've been bugging me for awhile); maybe take the dog for a walk; enjoy a quiet evening reading or watching TV; get a good night's sleep -

and prepare for a week of being a single parent while J.'s off on a business trip.....

And at some point next week, I'm sure my 'strong woman' confidence will return and my unease will abate and my world will return to 'normal'. Or as my brother said on the phone 'a new normal'.

Seems there's always room for 'a new normal'.....