Cinnamon Success

The kitchen looked like a hurricane had passed through - and the dark top and pants I had on were splattered with flour, dried dough and other gunk - but the cinnamon rolls were TO DIE FOR just as The Pioneer Woman had said they were. They were/are fantastic - and there's another batch of dough and already prepared frosting waiting for me to make another batch later today. After I hose down the kitchen, unload the dishwasher and then reload it with all the stuff that wouldn't fit in the first time. I'll get better at my 'method' and my mechanics will improve - but the toughest critic in the house (B.) pronounced them AWESOME and seemed a teeny bit in awe that I had made them 'from scratch'. He said 'so you made the dough and everything?'. Um, yes, I DID! Yeah me! My first attempt at a recipe with yeast turned out great - may even bake bread.

Baking bread got me thinking about my sister-in-law - she baked all the family bread from scratch. She also made English muffins from scratch - and used tuna cans with both lids removed - for her 'muffin mold'. She was really thrifty - she wanted to be home with her boys and not work - so she baked a lot of things herself. I sort of wish I'd paid more attention to how she did it all - her breads and muffins were always so good. Though at the time, I remember thinking 'wow, that's spending a ton of time for two loaves of bread and we could just run down the block to Von's and pick up some there'. But now, I kind of get it. There's a lot of satisfaction in doing things 'yourself' and letting the process be a part of the experience. It was good 'exercise' for me to be up and moving so much yesterday - and the fact that I recognized it as movement is a good indicator that I need to (continue to) move more....

H. and I had a little talk - he got to express why he was angry. And I got to express that I understand he's angry but I am in fact trusting him the majority of the time. I vetoed a decision that would have had him spending the night in a house with several boys, two of whom were friends who he 'hung out' with in his 'prior to rehab' life. And I vetoed that. Which then sent him into a tizzy with 'you just said you do trust me but then you don't'. I said 'I do trust you, H. I'm allowing you to visit friends frequently; to use your car to go places and do things; to hang out with friends at their homes or at school events. All those things require me trusting you. But that doesn't mean that when I hear you planning to put yourself in a situation where you may be with people who choose to use while you are there - and you will then have to say no - that I'm going to sit here and say 'ok, sure' to that. I won't. And you shouldn't either. It bothers me that your mind is back to the place of 'I can do what I want when I want with who I want' because if you keep having those thoughts, you will likely use again. You need to limit your exposure to people who do drugs as entertainment - and you were about to put yourself smack dab in the middle of just that kind of situation. So I said 'no'. And that makes you mad at me. And I'm OK with that. Better you be mad at me then use again - because you will not live in this house if you relapse. And I'm just doing everything in my power to keep that from happening'.

We are hugely proud of him - how he's stayed sober and clean for four months. And we know that's hard for him. He is exposed to 'it' everyday and he is making the decision every day to not use. And that's hard for him - but he's doing it. He just seems to think that it is a 'done deal' now - that having avoided it for four months means he's 'ok' now. And I just don't think it's going to be that easy. And I'm still making it my business to help him make the best decisions possible when I think he's not - and he resents the heck out of that. Oh well.

I also pointed out that he's stopped regularly attending AA meetings - he was going every night - but he's gotten sloppy about that....which is another red flag (for me) that his head is in a place where he might just get the 'f-it' approach to these issues and decide to use.

So I stay vigilant. I change travel plans. I stay close to home. I force him to communicate when he'd prefer not to. I force him to keep communicating when it's clear he's not going to get what he 'wants' from me....he's not getting permission to be overnight with people who use. Period. End of story.

And he fumes in the other room. And I'm OK with that......

In eight short months, he will be 18. And he will decide. He'll either leave and enlist. Or leave and do ?? to support himself. Or he'll choose to continue to live here, under the same 'rules' that exist today and go to college for a couple years.

He fumed. He went to a friends house for a bit. And he came home unexpectedly just before 8PM and said 'I'm going to a meeting'.

So I know I was 'on to something' and I know I did the right thing. And I'm glad I was here to intervene 'cuz if I'd been in SC, the scenario would have been a lot different. No adult at home would have changed the scene considerably. So I feel better about being here vs. there. Though I wish I could have been two places at once.

J. is in MN already - he had about two hours sleep last night but slept a bit on the plane. The Eagles concert was good with the only complaint being they did not play New York Minute. They had a nice time. It took a triple shot latte with my strongest espresso pods (12's on scale that usually ends with 10) to get B. moving and off to work by 10:30...but he managed.

I hear son #2 up and moving so I need to do the same. It sprinkled a bit last night and this morning - the air is so fresh and clean. I've got all the windows open - it's going to be a beautiful day. The sun just came out and it's still in the low 70's. Good car washing, gardening weather.