Success

The job is mine. Was called by the district superintendent Thursday and invited to meet with him one on one to discuss the job. Turns out it couldn't be any better - they know what they're getting, are arranging to invest time and get help (an interim CBO) to train me and feel they are making an investment in their district's future by ensuring I have the tools and training I need to be a long-term, successful CBO. I am honored. Humbled. And thrilled. The $$ is good, the opportunity is phenomenal and I accepted. On the spot. Which I didn't plan to do. I PLANNED to ask for a couple days to think about it. But it was just so right. It just felt like where I was supposed to be so I said yes.

Which I think is why I am now having a huge amount of 'cognitive dissonance' - aka 'buyer's remorse'. I KNOW I made the right decision. I know it. My head is fine with all of it. But my heart is a mess. I woke up at 3AM yesterday morning, typed my letter of resignation and started crying. Cried (sobbed, really) all the way to work. Met with my boss at 9AM and cried some more. He seemed resigned to my departure - and suggested that he would rather the other district (my new district) be the ones to pay for my winter break time. He quickly backed down when I reminded him that my motivation for wanting to stay on my current district's books had more to do with insurance than who paid for the time off. So he said OK. He also said 'it's just really bad timing'. I had no reply for that - since none of these events should come as any surprise to him and because there would NEVER be a right time. Ever. He remained quiet for the remainder of the day - though he did send out an amazing email to the entire college community advising them I was leaving. Which opened the floodgates of a day spent accepting congratualtions, teary people telling me they weren't sure how the college will survive without me. Flattering but I know it's not true. The college will go on quite nicely. They will find 'another' Majah and s/he will be good and life will move on. And that Majah will be in a job with a much loftier title, making way more money than I did - and I know that will be happening, expect it to happen and am fine with it. Whatever. Had I stayed, that 'new' job might have been mine - but I'm not waiting around to find out. I've waited. I've been patient. I'm moving on.

So now I've been listening to songs over and over and over - which is what I do to work things through. "Not Ready to Make Nice" is the current fave. So is "Goodbye My Lover" - (don't read ANYTHING into that title) - I am leaving a lot of really amazing friends - and that song is all about leaving someone you love - which is how I feel. Everyone who works at the college is like my family - deeply loved family. And it is tearing my heart out to leave. I am just so sad. Really, really sad. And then I get excited. And then I get sad, again. And it's been like that from Thursday afternoon on. My eyes are a puffy, swollen, dreary mess. I am exhausted from crying. Usually, I just have a good cry and I'm done. Not this - not now. I can cry seemingly at the drop of a hat and can't seem to 'stop' my emotions from overwhelming my logic. I'd blame it on hormones but I know it's just me.

Thankfully, we are hosting Thanksgiving here in a few days and there's plenty to do to keep me busy. Life moves on. I have 4 weeks left, 2 weeks off and then I start my new 'life' - new job, no commute and a lot of new things to learn. 2007's going to be a very good year.

I'm not ready to make nice.
I'm not ready to back down.
I'm still mad as hell
and I don't have time
To go round and round and round.
It's too late to make it right.
I probably wouldn't if I could.
I'm just mad as hell and I don't have time
To do what it is you think I should.

- Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks