Mom

I title this post Mom - but it really isn't about my mom, per se. But there's a story about her that says it 'all', honestly, about her impact on my life.

My mom had a stroke in 1988. I probably wouldn't remember that time frame - almost 20 years ago - except I had met J. shortly after she had the stroke and so I have the date down.

From days after the stroke until the day she died, my mom was sure her boss had ignored her phone call - as she was at her desk realizing something wasn't right, she called her boss. Who didn't answer. My mom insisted her boss had intentionally not answered - thus delaying my mom receiving help and possibly impacting the effects she had from her event. There was nothing any of us could say to persuade her differently. No amount of 'Mom, there's no way she could have known you were having a stoke and chosen to ignore you' or 'Mom, she wouldn't purposely
disregard your call if she had realized you were having a health issue. There's no way.'- but my mom never believed it and died thinking her boss had maliciously ignored her in her moment of need.

This story is my mom. This is how she lived her life - always thinking the worst of people and situations. Analyzing everything. Every little thing. Questioning every action, word, assumed or supposed motive. And I was exactly like her. Spent zillions of hours over-analyzing, working out every possible scenario to any imagined or presumed circumstance. Over reacted to the silliest things. It was a hellish way to live, really, and it impacted relationships so much. Impacted my life so much.

I work really hard at not making presumptions or assertions or jumping to any conclusions in my communications with people. I assume the best of people - assume that they intend only a sharing of information. I don't 'read into' their motives, or try to assert 'ulterior motives' onto them. I take them at face value. I stay at the 'bottom' of the ladder - I don't jump to the top of the ladder where all my life's history and experiences and trials have clouded how I interact with people. I just stay firmly at the bottom of the ladder and let the communication happen.

I call this the 'ladder of intention'. I learned about it in a class I took back in my corporate life and having this tool has really enhanced my life - my marriage, my job, my friendships and my family. I assume the best of folks and am rarely given any reason to have needed to jump to the top of the ladder. I don't presume to know their intentions or motives and I refuse to 'move up the ladder' unless it's absolutely necessary. Moving up means I'm letting MY experiences and beliefs and psyche to 'cloud' the moment with all my 'stuff' and shade the persons communication with MY crap. Which isn't healthy since you honestly have no way of knowing what a person is intending - you're not them.

I have tried diligently to convey this philosophy to those around me. If I hear someone at work make a comment about someone else that is clearly related to their perceptions of another person, I will kindly suggest 'oh, I don't think that's what they meant at all' and move on. Sometimes, comments that I know are intended to elicit a response are simply ignored and dis-acknowledged by refocusing back on the topic at hand - the issue we need to resolve - and ignore the comments made about persons, places or things that are the person's perception of reality - not necessarily the actual reality.

I tell the kids all the time - as they're trying to rip each other apart - the only person you can control in any situation is YOU. You can't force people to think the way you think; or see things your way; or get people to do what you want them to do. The only person you have control over is yourself - so adjust the way you react to people, situations and things and your life will be so much 'easier'. You will learn to think positive things about people, even when you have reason to think otherwise. You will communicate effectively even in the most heated moment - because you'll 'stay' at the bottom of the ladder and just talk it through. You won't fly off the handle, say things you don't mean and then can't take back, etc. You'll be a better friend, a better boss, a better spouse and an adequate parent. (I'd say 'better parent' but honestly, these days, I'm just striving for adequacy).

I have many moments of regret as related to my relationship with my mom, because as her life was ending, I was really starting to 'get' mine - to be myself and to express myself - and that didn't always sit well with her. And our last conversations were stilted and strained and full of some spoken things but so many left unsaid. I don't think she liked that I had found my voice and learned to stop taking her crap....and I know that sounds harsh about a mom and especially a mom you've lost - but I'm glad that she knew that I had figured it out, finally. That I wasn't living for her approval anymore - I was living for mine. And I wasn't afraid to speak up or out about things I felt strongly about - something I most definitely didn't learn from her. I think it probably shocked her and I know it pissed her off - but I think deep inside, she was probably pretty proud of me. The little girl she'd always chided for being 'too emotional' and 'too [insert many adjectives here]' ....so many other things - wasn't, anymore. I was me. I had searched my past and talked through every angst filled, painful moment and found myself in all that insecurity, doubt and pain.

I wish my mom had been on earth longer because I would have loved to have spent more time with her. It was unfortunate timing that I lost her when I did, because I was just honestly starting to 'get' so many things - and there was a lot of anger towards her that I don't feel now. She did an amazing job raising 4 kids alone and she was an incredible woman. She really was. And I would have liked for her to have gotten to know me - the real me - more.

I think sometimes 'when I'm in heaven someday, I hope I'll see her'. She doesn't ever come to me in dreams - 'cuz she was most definitely pissed at me when she died - people who know here aren't the least bit surprised about this since being stubborn was her most renowned trait - but I sure hope in heaven, she'll put her angst aside and start talking to me. We have a lot to catch up on. There's a hummingbird that hangs out in our backyard....s/he sits on the branches of the trees when I'm outside pruning and weeding and watering - and I think 'maybe that's her' - she loved hummingbirds - and it's so unusual to see a hummingbird just sitting, hanging out for many minutes just watching a human. But this one does...so it just might be her. I like thinking that. I hope it is. I do miss her so much...and miss that she's not a part of the boys life anymore. They adored her and she adored them and as they've grown up, I think 'oh, she would be so proud of them'. When they weren't making her crazy. Because my kids aren't afraid to speak up and out and she wouldn't really like that too much. But she'd adjust. So there's hope, I think, that in heaven, we can work it all out and be friends again.

I pray for that.