Just So Angry

There's so much anger simmering inside me these days - I'm SO MAD - and there's nowhere for it to go.  I can't act out.  I can't scream.  I can't cry, mainly because if I start, I fear I won't stop.  And while some of the anger is probably overwhelming sadness, much of it is JUST PLAIN SO ANGRY.  It's so hard to describe the feelings I'm having the past few days because it's almost like it's just enormously BAD that my mind can't handle it.

I want to scream for hours.  Yell.  Run 20 miles until I drop from exhaustion and then, and only then, might I get any kind of decent sleep.

There are a series of posts in the works that will lay out the timeline of events.  Our family is pretty much shattered at this point.  J. and I are at odds on many levels and I don't really see (or feel) that ending anytime soon.

Cutting someone out of my life isn't something that is easy to do - far from it.  But I have to distance myself from H. at this point because I have nothing to offer - no words, no feelings, zero support - nothing.  I can't stand the thought of him in front of me because I truly fear what I will say.

He told J. 'she's trying to break me'.  J., in his usual 'nothing majorly bad' way said 'I took that to mean you wanted to make him cry'.  Um, no.  He thinks I've trying to break his spirit.  And I'm not.  I really am not.  But I am the one person in his life who says the hard thing(s) to him  - I don't mince words, I get right to it and when my bullshit radar is going off constantly, you're better off just staying the hell away from me.  To H., me being direct about the serious issues that have been revealed in the last week or so is me trying to 'break him'.

And I'm sick and tired of J. trying to put him back together again.

H. says he's hit rock bottom, but I don't think so.  I'm not sure what rock bottom is for someone in his situation but I don't think he's there yet.

We may be.  J. and I truly might be.  I feel the need to distance myself from him - and I've never felt that way before.  I don't know what that means or what it will look like but...I feel it in my bones.

I'm hoping heading to Reno in a month for some time by myself will help.  But I truly fear it won't.

H. didn't just shatter himself.  He shattered all of us.  He broke us - all of us.

And I'm not sure we're ever going to be put back together again - we will never be the same again.  I may never see or speak to H. again and I say that with such pain in my heart and soul - but I'm not going to continue to enable him to spin his stories, weave lies into reality, steal from us, manipulate us.  I'm done -

His 25th birthday is Friday and I won't be reaching out to him in any way.  Hard?  Yes.  But it's how he approached Mother's Day so....we 'match' in our approach towards each other.  On his 25th birthday, he is homeless, penniless, parentless (at least 1/2 of his parents are stepping away).  He already got his gift when he scammed us out of $185 for (supposedly) a new set of headphones.  Which they never purchased.

Here comes the anger again.