Pretty Much a Sunday Repeat

Read last week's post - more of the same today.  The garage is looking good! 

I trekked to Hayward yesterday to see my counselor.  She gives great advice and knows me very well.  I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping - I do 3 hour stretches and wake up super hard every morning - get into a great sleep in that 3rd round and then it's time to get up.  I feel so groggy and struggle to navigate the simple task of getting clothes ready, exiting the bedroom, heading downstairs.  The cats (one in particular - Muf) have taken to sitting on the full length of a stair ahead of me all.the.way.down.  It's a miracle I haven't fallen and broken something.  I'm barely awake.

She reminded me that there has been a ton of 'stuff' lately - a lot of changes in the works.  I shared that while I'm excited about the thought of never working again, I also feel a bit intimidated by it.  I used that morning's routine as an example.  If I hadn't needed to be somewhere at a certain time, I might have been (very) tempted to take care of the dog and then go back up to bed and sleep until noon.  I sort of fear I will do just that when I retire?  And maybe that would be to catch up on sleep for a few days - but I really worry that I'll feel depressed more than energized about the 'nowhere to go and nothing that has to be done' part of it. 

She suggested that maybe I will decide to find something to keep me busy. A light part-time job to get me out and about a few days a week.  I also have been worried about the move - making the big move.  Fully anticipating that we will live in the lovely house we are building for years - together.  But then sometimes the 'what if....' scenarios run through my brain.  Me, in a house alone because my best beloved is 11 years older so....what if.  Alone in a huge house having few friends in a new city.  Or still somewhat new city. 

Who knows, right?  I could be the one leaving this earth first.  Tomorrow is never promised and I know the answer is 'so you just have to live one day at a time and take each day - that's it.  No fretting about things you have no control over nor knowledge of.  Let it go....'.   Easier said than done, says the part(s) of my psyche that keep me awake at night. 

I told the district leadership team that it's likely my last year plus 3 months - I just had to (finally) put it out there that the thoughts we had about owning two homes for awhile are quickly being replaced with 'why would we want to do that'.  It felt good.  And terrifying.  'Cuz this is all real.  It is happening. 

When I get fretful, I run the numbers again and confirm it is all still do-able.  I run them over and over and over.....

H. is here today - I didn't know the plan was for him to be here today  - which was silly of me because up until this morning, he and J. were planning to spend tonight in San Mateo and be at the courthouse early in the morning to 'surrender' on the outstanding warrant(s).  We are starting to think that H.'s DMV record is why he is struggling to find work - but as it stands now, it might be sometime later this week or next Monday.  The staff and counselors at New Hope have offered to write letters on his behalf confirming that he's fulfilling all the requirements of the rehab program and is doing a great job of getting his life back in order. 

It's hard when he's near and it's hard to write this 'cuz he's our son - but my stomach always feels clenchy and sad when he's about.  He's doing great - but....all those memories of all that's happened still loom large and it's still hard for me to feel welcoming and accepting.  Though he is a huge help and he is one of the reasons we've made such great progress in the garage. 

It's good for him to get out and about vs. sitting in a house all day - so if he's willing to come help out, while wedging in a BowFlex work out and listening to music while he does stuff, then that's not a bad thing. 

I'd love to take a nap today but think I will settle for a super early bedtime tonight - get my clothes picked out and downstairs tonight so that's one less thing to navigate in the morning.  I'll try to get to work super early tomorrow to make up for not working this weekend - it felt lovely to skip it but I'm still doing my job plus my assistant's job and there's still a massive amount of stuff to get caught up on.  Year-end is done - Board meeting on Tuesday - so I have time this week to get caught up.  And new assistant starts on Monday, 9/17!