Awaiting Results

Spending the early evening watching the election returns....feeling like I'm barely breathing as I watch the blue vs. red results. 

I haven't commented much in the two years since the guy being called the President of our country was elected - really, I can't even bring myself to call him Mr. President.  Never.  If I were forced to meet him, I would call him Mr. Trump - and I'd be shamed for the lack of respect I was showing our country's highest office. 

I'm not sure if the fact that an appalling man is in that office is the worst?  Or is it that people in America do actually seem to think he is worthy of the office.

Clearly, our country is greatly divided.  It's hard to see what we've become.

Son #1 has gone 'dark'.  He's been off Facebook for a couple days - and I'm not talking about his green light being 'off' and the 'clock' of the last time he was on timing out.  He has suspended his Facebook profile - he no longer exists in Facebook.  His phone goes straight to voicemail.  Texts, Facebook messages, emails and phone calls are being unreturned.  He messaged me on Facebook Friday morning and I messaged back - and then he went off Facebook. 

I have had some moments when I'm incredibly worried about him.  I've had him on my mind and heart so much the past couple weeks - a post on that at some point - it's like God is telling me to be tuned in to him?  So I'm worried.  But I remind myself he's in the Army.  If he fails to show up every morning and isn't out sick, they go look for him.  If he calls in sick for multiple days, they go check on him.  He must be OK because it's Tuesday and we haven't received any call that he's not OK. 

Trying to remember if he told us he was 'going dark' for some maneuvers or something?  Not sure.  Don't think so - if that had been the case, I think his Friday morning message would have been a reminder that 'hey, I'm going offline for a bit'. 

Hope we hear from him soon.

Son #2....well, it's hard.  Reasonably sure that he's been misrepresenting his activities when he tells us on the Sundays he's visiting 'I'm going to K's house'.  He's not going there.  We don't know where he's going.  I've spent the past couple weeks with my mom radar on high alert and telling him repeatedly 'it's none of our business who you spend time with - but lying about what you are doing has long been an issue and will always be an issue'.  He says he's not lying.  But...I think he has.  That's a violation of a lot of the '12 steps' and is a red flag to me that his behavior isn't matching his plan to be straight with people.  And most importantly to BE AND STAY STRAIGHT with himself.  I worry.  He's off lately.  Not as sure of himself as he was.  Not as happy and bright and shiny about his sobriety as he was.  I know - it's a hard road and so bumps happen.  But...I know my son.  And his bumps aren't really bumps.  They are full on sink holes that suck him and all the people around him down....

I can't go there again. If I'm right and he's been lying, then for me, I will tell him calmly and clearly 'you are sabotaging your relationship with me and that makes me feel sad.  But I am true to myself, H. - in all things I do, I live true to ME - and I can't keep allowing you to disrespect me by lying to me.  You don't appear to want a relationship with me though you say you do - and your actions continue to confirm that'. 

It's a hard conversation to have with your adult son but it's what needs to happen.  And then the next hardest (actually even harder) step - getting J. on board with a very clear pulling back from H. .  He won't visit here anymore - because we won't allow him to be here when he is lying about what he's doing when he says he's going out for a bit.  He will miss having a little privacy now and then.  Sharing a house with 6 other people doesn't provide any quiet time or 'me' time.  He will miss having a place to do laundry, make a meal, visit with family and help out a bit now and then, which his aging parents greatly appreciate.  None of those things will happen anymore under this roof.  And J. will trek to Modesto to see him once in a while - I will too, most likely - but weekly contact will cease. 

And if I'm right, I will personally call his first counselor W. (who H. says 'saved my life') and tell him 'W., he's lying.  He denies he's lying but he is lying.  And we can't continue to invite him over here under those circumstances'. 

I told Cabinet that I'm retiring at the end of this school year - there were sad faces around the table which was touching.  We are a great team and it's hard to leave these folks - but...I am.  Insert a gazillion smiley face emojis. 

This time next week, our Board will be told and then it will be announced to the general public on the following Wednesday.  It's a lot of carefully coordinated steps.  It's hard.  And happy at the same time.

We emailed the realtor to remind her that we'd conferenced with the builder two weeks ago and are still waiting to see the revised floor plan.  We feel very out in limbo and often feel somewhat irritated about the process - but we remind ourselves it's 38 homes, all semi-custom and definitely a lot of moving parts.  In our email, we shared some of the dates and events - to remind that I've announced my retirement and in the event our house isn't ready by sometime in July, I will have resigned my job too early and lost the opportunity to earn a couple more months of compensation and have healthcare.

Then I remind myself 'who gives a crap? '  We can afford for me to not work.  Period.  End of story. So it doesn't matter.  And it might be pretty great to have a couple weeks of getting in some sleep. 

I'm wiped out and have felt that way for a long, long time.