Validation

Talked to my therapist K. this morning - my last visit with her was mid-September, 2019, a few days after our Tracy house was officially sold.  We are also celebrating our approaching 30th anniversary 'cuz I started seeing her in November, 1991 when B. was still a baby.  

There were some Internet issues which had me not fully hearing her responses and suggestions - so we'll have to fix that for next time.  She was her usual wise, kind self.  

At the end of the call as we wrapped up and scheduled another appointment for mid-October (to be totally moved earlier if needed depending on any things that happen between now and then) she said 'Majah, I want you and J. to know this with certainty:  you have been excellent parents and have done more for H. and his addiction issues than most parents would.  Don't doubt that, don't beat yourselves up.  He's being driven by a force so strong that there's honestly nothing you can do anymore'.  

Those words reconfirmed for me that our 'do nothing' approach is best.  I told her I am feeling much better vs. this time last week and have had a huge 'lightening' of my psyche and heart as I let go of the constant worry and fretting I've been doing for months & years.  

She said 'you have to grieve.  You're realizing you have to let go of the thing that's the hardest to give up and that's hope.  It's OK to let go of that. You don't have to hold on to hope when it seems pretty clear H. isn't making any of the changes he needs to make to be better'.  

H. is the last thing I think of when I'm drifting off to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up.  But it's no longer thinking of all the 'what should we be doing?' mixed with panic.  It's just a quiet acknowledgement that I care about him and love him.  I wish him a good night's sleep and an OK day and then I move on to living my life. 

B. called last night (bless his heart).  He's worried about H. but mostly, I think he's worried about us.  The hurricane that was expected in Texas changed direction and headed to Louisiana - so now B.'s week will be filled with maneuvers done in torrential rain and some fierce wind.  Thankfully, they are sleeping in an actual building so at least they are dry and warm(ish) at night.  And yes, B. confirmed they have access to warm drinks like hot chocolate.  Things that warm you up from the inside - along with very long, very hot showers.  He humored my mom-ness of asking about hot chocolate but said 'yes, we have that, Mom'. 

I tried to explain to B. how I was feeling - how my approach is changing - how we feel like doing nothing is better at this point.  Yes, we will file a missing person report with the Harris County sheriff because it gets H.'s name and picture into the system and maybe we'll get confirmation he's OK.  But I refuse to be on the roller-coaster of needing or wanting weekly 'confirmation of life' status checks.  I don't want to live like that.  Frantic from one point in time to the next?  No.  I can't do that anymore.  Pondering how we'll turn our world upside down again to help him yet again?  No.  Not doing that, either. 

Well....I can do those things....but no, I don't want to and will not.  Hard words for a parent to say regarding the well being of their 'child'.  But H. isn't an at risk youth - he's a grown man who has made very bad decisions for a very long time.

I've been binge watching Chicago Med on Netflix - some of the scenarios are completely, ridiculously far-fetched but it's mindless TV that passes the time.  

Tomorrow is Thursday which is my favorite day of the week - we will trek to Atlantis for weekly free play.  Sitting with J. playing slots together for a bit, me enjoying a couple ice cold draft Blue Moons and J. having a not too spicy Bloody Mary, getting dinner to go.  It's a nice way to spend an afternoon and it has become the highlight of my week, pretty much.  Having J. come too lets me enjoy beer and our weekly food credits feed us for at least one and sometimes two meals.  

I'm maintaining a steady list of homestead projects and they keep me/us busy.  Organizing things like redoing under the kitchen sink and my closet are welcome distractions.