When I crawled into my lovely bed with clean, crisp sheets and snuggled under the covers to sleep, I thought 'H. might be sleeping on a piece of cardboard or on the ground. He might be cold and hungry'. My heart hurt for a few minutes and a couple tears made their way down my face. I closed my eyes, thanked God for the gift of clarity the day had brought to my heart and soul and asked Him to watch over H. . Much as I've done nightly for a long time.
First half of the night was good sleep. Second half not so much. J. said his night was the same.
He had a physical therapy appointment first thing this morning and I got showered and cleaned up early (for me) because the exterminator was coming between 9 and 11 for our semi-annual service. As soon as J. returned from his PT appointment, he changed into golf clothes and headed out for a day of fun with friends. I got busy.
It's felt really great today keeping busy with a ton of stuff around the homestead. I finally got out the 'cat training tape' and trimmed a piece to put on a rug in the entryway that the cats have been going crazy on. It's double sided sticky tape so when they try to go to town on that part of the rug (which already showed wear from cat scratching), they won't like the stickiness and eventually will stop. I also moved a cat scratcher over near the entryway to encourage them to use the scratcher vs. the rug.
I washed all the 'blanket covers' we have on all the furniture. If/when we have guests, we take them off but they are mostly always there because it's way easier to clean fur off those vs. furniture.
It's a slot play day for me - a smidge of free play at Gold West and I'll be heading there at some point today. But I'm enjoying piddling around the homestead and getting stuff done.
My heart aches today as much as it has the past week...but it's a different sort of ache. I care about him, worry about him and love him and those emotions are not going anywhere. He's our son. But....I'm working on letting go of the overwhelming fear. Overwhelming.....it's hard for me to find the right word....overwhelming overwhelm is maybe the best? Our new day to day normal is heading towards not having contact with H. on a regular basis. His phone has not been used since August 31st. We have no contact information. His Facebook page is inactive. He has no computer so wouldn't see a Facebook message anyway.
It will be hard. Some days will be harder than others. To function in life knowing you have a child out there struggling. And it hurts a lot. But as I declared yesterday it's time to move forward.
I'm taking back my life. And J.'s.
We love you, H. . Forever and always. And the picture below is a reminder for you as much as for us. Keep going.
We all just have to keep going.
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