Still Pondering

I have sooo many posts in draft stage but I just can't bring myself to push 'post' - things still feel pretty raw in my heart and soul and while it helps to write some of it down, it feels too hard to share it with everyone.  It's been a very long few months and it shows - constant dark circles under my eyes; broken sleep.  Hardest budget cycle ever for me given all the chaos happening at home while I worked 45 straight days to get it done. 

Maybe some light is due and we can create our own.

Short version:  H&R are heroin addicts.  Addicted for a long time.  Addicted before we invited them to live with us and stayed that way throughout their time here.  Too many details to bring up and relive and too many constant 'bad memories' about the things that happened in the weeks leading up to us changing the locks and kicking them out.

They are both in (separate) rehab facilities.  H. is doing very well.  We don't know how R. is and for the most part, we don't give a crap.  Focusing on our immediate family member's well-being and process towards sobriety is about all we can handle at the moment.

We spent most of June and July in 'taking back our house' mode.  Cleaning out furniture and 'stuff'.  Taking it to the storage unit that R.'s dad will be paying for staring 8/1.  Junking a lot of stuff that was left behind and her family doesn't want to reclaim.  As bad as all the stuff with H. is (and was and still is to some extent), my mind boggles at R.'s reality - she lost custody of her children because of her drug use and she's got way more bridges to rebuild with her family than H. ever will. 

We're glad to have them out of our house and H. will never live with us again.  He knows this.  He has a host of legal issues to work through and he will do that - he understands jail time is a very real possibility because part of his sobriety means the people around him have to stop covering for him.  So no $ from us to pay the myriad of fines he has for the 8 misdemeanor charges against him.  Hopeful that his residency in a drug rehab facility will result in the judge continuing to make H.'s participation in rehab a condition of his release along with community service and/or whatever else?  But it will be what it will be and H. & J. are going to start working through that process in the not too distant future. 

As we enter August, we are also working on reclaiming our life....our wonderful, blessed, happiness filled life.  We are taking a HUGE step towards that as of NOW. 

Next weekend, we will be in Carson City, NV and we will be putting a deposit down on a semi-custom home on a golf course.  For real.  And shortly after the house is done - Winter 2019 to Spring 2020 ish - I will be retiring.  Officially. 

We pondered keeping two houses for awhile - because I've been planning to keep working until I hit a longevity step and then a full year past that to incorporate that compensation bump in my pension?  But lunch with my dear friend G. (who retired a couple years ago) helped me shift from 'stop looking at what you will have if you keep working and look at where will you be if you stop'.  And doing that - creating a budget for the 'new house' based on my pension if I retire in 2020 - is still a very good income.  We can do this.  We really can.

Our 11 year age difference has presented challenges in planning and the realization how so often, folks keep working and working and then retire and have some major health thing happen.  We don't want that.  We want time TOGETHER while we are both still able to get around reasonably well. 

So we're reclaiming our happiness and giving ourselves a much needed 'fresh start' of sorts.  We both feel really excited about the building process - we have input into the layout of the house and we're building from the ground up so we get to pick virtually everything - and the activities up in Carson City (heretofore known as CC) combined with getting ready to sell this place and move will keep us very busy for the next 20 months. 

My boss knows that we are building a home in another state and I suspect he suspects that my move will be tied to the completion of the house but for now, I'm not going to confirm or deny any plans. Lots of things could still happen and while we will be committed to building by this time next week (with money down to confirm our commitment), we'll see how things go. 

So there you have it - in a nutshell - the past few months have been pretty damn awful but things are looking up.  I feel a lightening in my heart having made the decision to leave Tracy - and while I love our house and feel sad about leaving, I know we will be equally happy in CC in our beautiful, brand new single story house which will look out on the first tee of the first hole of a beautiful golf course. 

And I think I'm even interested in trying golf again.  I took a few lessons early in our marriage but just didn't get into it.  But it might be worth trying again given how convenient it will be to plan.  And easy to head home after. 

More soon - I'm going to spend the day piddling around the homestead and starting the slow, long process of cleaning out cupboards and drawers.  Making lists of 'keep, donate, sell, move' so we can get stuff out of the house.  We don't plan to list the house in Tracy for at least another year...so we've got time.  But I also know how fast time passes and I want to get on it and keep on it so we don't end up in a mad dash at the end.