Short Circuit

Thankfully, the laptop is being repaired. It wasn't a failed/crashed hard drive after all - it was a failed operating system. They think it was a virus. I think it was a software we use to clean the registry - which I will not be using anymore. It will hopefully be back on my desk later today...which is good 'cuz I'm having a heck of a time typing on J.'s keyboard. (Thanks, my sweet, for giving me so much time on the computer in your corner of the world - my Farmville farm thanks you, too).

Our time with H. yesterday has left me feeling hugely 'unsettled'. I think if we asked him, he would say the same thing. It's a lot to take in for a 17 year old - knowing that we enter the Intensive Outpatient (IOP) the minute he leaves the residential program next week. Three nights a week in Oakland. Plus attending AA meetings (which he knows he needs and thinks is critical to his successful recovery - finding that community of young people all working hard at not using whatever their chosen 'medicine' is). Plus school starting soon - new school, new format, etc. Plus attempting to have some social life - the few friends he will have contact with are still hugely important to him - one in particular who is (apparently) his girlfriend again. Which is fine with us....pretty much. More on that later...probably.

He apparently had a 'melt down' of sorts on Friday night - getting himself hugely stressed out and overwhelmed and panicked about all the 'things' he felt he would have to immediately 'do' upon his discharge. Stay sober (sober is the word we use for 'not using' - it's more familiar in the context of drinking - but it's a recovery word for staying on the program and not using whatever your medicine of choice has been). Get a job. Complete his 50 hours of community service (to resolve his traffic tickets). Go to AA meetings. Go to IOP meetings (3 hours each evening M-W, plus travel time to/from). Start school. And somewhere in there, wedge in time to see the previously mentioned young lady - who at the moment, is the primary person he wants/needs to see. He was concerned because when he phoned that evening, he wanted to discuss what the 'plan' was for IOP - and that wasn't a conversation I felt comfortable having with just him...over the phone. He was jockeying for a 'once a week' program - which we've been counseled against by the people we consider experts. And I wasn't willing to 'go there' with him on the phone. And he hung up the phone and quickly spiraled into some kind of 'melt down'. Hence us being 'summoned' to a counseling appointment early.

We took the time yesterday to really discuss the big 'elephant in the room' - the 'what if's' of a 'relapse'. And to his credit, when the counselor tried to set the parameters for what the consequences would be if there was a 'relapse', when he (the counselor) tried to acknowledge that it would happen and we should be prepared for what restrictions would be in place should/when it happened, H. was the first to shake his head 'no'. Meaning 'no, we're not going to set up consequences for that - no small consequences'. Setting up small consequences in advance make it too easy for him to relapse - if he knows that we 'accept' a relapse and will only ground him for a week, he'll know that the consequences are so small - and it won't incent him to stay clean. And so, I said what needed to be said - should he relapse, he will be enrolling in the January session of a military academy we've located. And then we talked through what we would do before that - since it would be months before he can attend that school (we missed the fall registration deadline last Spring by 11 days. The application deadline was May 15th - and that deadline had been on our radar (all of us) for many, many months. 11 days after that deadline, we found out the depths H. had gone to in the preceding 4 months - and realized we had a big problem) we confirmed that in the event he relapses before he can attend the January session of that school, we would agree to pay out of pocket and return him to his current residential program - for as many months as we need to.

This decision wasn't made lightly - it will involve cashing in a chunk of retirement savings to make it happen. It will be for a period of months rather than days. But having said that - having acknowledged to him that we are not willing to return to the environment we've been living in - where he manipulates and lies and bullies us into getting what he wants, when he wants it - he knows. He realizes that this time of having him away has solidified us into a united front that will protect our serenity at his expense. It isn't that we don't love him - or that we're looking for a reason to ship him out - but if he creates that reason, as he has for close to a year - then we won't hesitate to let our self-protection mode kick in full force and we'll make our peaceful home our highest priority. And he won't be in it. Money isn't everything. Good thing I enjoy what I do for a living 'cuz if this plan plays out, I will be working into my 70's to help offset the hit our retirement savings will take. Oh well. It's only money.

From the time H. was a little guy - an infant - he was easily overwhelmed. I remember many times when the he just melted down - and was inconsolable and hysterical for long stretches of time. The first time I remember was on a road trip - he was probably less than six months old. We had stopped to eat at a restaurant and were inside. And H. just 'hit a wall' - he had had enough - enough car seat. Enough 'sitting'. He was tired - but hadn't slept. He could not shut down and sleep. And he screamed and screamed and screamed. Thankfully, by this point in his babyhood, I knew him. I knew that he was exhausted and needed help to 'shut down'. I knew that he would literally scream for a very long time and there wasn't anything I could do about it - he would not eat; would not calm being held. So I walked with him outside and walked around with him -while he screamed. We walked and walked and walked - and finally, he just exhausted himself crying and he went to sleep.

This scenario happened over and over in his babyhood/toddler hood. We learned to 'see it coming' a bit - but there was never much we could do. Just know that we would help him as best we could - and let him work it out. Usually by crying. A lot.

I think this overwhelmed-ness has continued into his current teenage years - and he's learned to self soothe by just tamping down all those raw emotions. He just shuts down and buries it all - and when he can't cope anymore, he's been reaching for something that helps him feel 'better'. Or feel 'good'. And we didn't notice. We didn't realize that he was burying all this 'stuff' - just normal teenage stuff - with a substance. Sure, we saw his grades were abysmal. And we saw (and uncovered) what was happening in December. And then we believed him when he said he had stopped. And he lied. He hadn't. In fact, he'd been using more and more and more - an 'insane amount' (his words).

Our challenge with him now is to get him to 'talk' about all that stuff instead of tamping it down. It seems pretty simple and 'easy'. But he still goes for the 'easy' approach - he says nothing. Except, at least yesterday, you can see the tears streaming down his cheeks as he muddles through emotions he's afraid to talk about. At least there are tears now - so we can see something isn't right and try our hardest to help him speak about what he's feeling. That's really hard for a teenager - and especially hard for a boy. It's a skill he is having to learn -

The counselor asked both H. and I what we could have done differently in the phone conversation we had to have helped H. avoid the meltdown he had. And I had one simple question for H. : did you tell me that you were upset about how I didn't want to talk any further on the phone about what the IOP plan was? And his answer was: 'no, I didn't'. And that's the crux for me: if personal responsibility is what he needs to learn, then he has to also learn it regarding getting what he needs. On the phone, I couldn't see his distress. I couldn't see the mounting tears in his eyes. And I acknowledged that I really didn't want to get into that conversation with him - because I knew that he was still lobbying strongly for 'once a week' and the reality was confirmed at '3 times per week'. And I didn't want to get into that with him 'alone' - without his counselor and J. there to assist. I told H. 'because our past pattern of communicating has made me cautious about going there with you - about talking to you about something that is the exact opposite of what you have decided YOU want. Those conversations rarely end well - they usually end with me feeling manipulated and bullied and you ending up getting what you want - even when I know it's not the 'right' thing for you. I just get too tired of the constant negotiations to keep going there'.

We left the counselors office and had an hour class (parents only) of just how kids are wired to think that literally everything in their lives is a 'now' decision/need. It's all 'now' for them. They don't see the 'future' as anything tangible - so they can't grasp that some things - most things, really - are not 'now' kinds of things. 'Now' things are things that involve immediate danger. Like 'there's a fire in the building and we have to get everyone out NOW'. Kids get totally wrapped in the 'now-ness' of virtually everything. They need a particular hair gel NOW and we have to get it for them NOW or their lives will be ruined FOREVER - NOW. They operate in that mode constantly - and it takes a lot of parental effort to learn how to circumvent that particular skill they have at making everything seem a 'NOW'. When it's rarely every truly a NOW. We have a lot to learn about that....about holding our ground. About agreeing to terminate a conversation and wait it out - not make hasty responses because the hasty response is easier.

After the class, we visited with H. for two hours....and we tried to work through some of the 'agreements' we need to have in place for his return home. And one of the primary issues stems around the frequency of the visits to the girlfriend. I said 'twice a week at her house' - but she can come over to our house whenever she'd like as often as she'd like. And that 'decision' created an immediate, strong reaction from H. - that twice a week is not 'enough' and why would we make it a finite number and ....on and on and on. And once again, I was immediately 'back' to where we were six months ago - where he lobbied in much the same way and just as strongly for time with his 'best friend' - the same friend it turns out he was using with 'an insane amount' virtually every time he went over there. I asked H. 'so what were you thinking in terms of frequency'. And he said 'well, maybe two or three'. So I said the obvious: 'so I'm saying two - and you say two or three - why are you so upset about the difference of one. I just don't get it, H.'. And he then proceeds to manipulate (my opinion): 'it's just that I'm going to be doing so many new things - meetings and IOP and new school - and I want to be able to see her when I can wedge in seeing her - and not have to decline an invitation to visit her house because my 'twice per week' is done for the week'.

And that's the crux of the issue: he wants what he wants, when he wants it. And I am sick and tired of the constant negotiations and manipulation.

So how we left it this: I won't place a limit on the frequency. It can be whatever it may be - but with this one caveat. Sometimes, we will just say 'no'. And that's our prerogative as parents - we can say 'no' because we choose to say 'no' and we are not required to give a reason. If he wants no 'limit', then we have the right to parental 'no's' and he is not to give us any grief about those 'no's'. He complained about them the first couple weeks he was in rehab - how we just say 'no' with no reason given - and our response then (and now) is: we are your parents and sometimes, we will say 'no'. Period. End of discussion.

He agreed. If you call agreeing begrudgingly realizing that he was 'screwed' either way.

So he feels unsettled. And I feel unsettled.

And he is now ocean kayaking for an overnight stay on a boat in the bay area somewhere and we won't talk to him again until tomorrow evening. They are on 'summer break' the past few weeks - and he's been able to do some pretty fun things (fun being a relative term when you are in a rehab facility). They've gone to Great America, to Travis Air Force Base, to an observatory, to the movies a couple times, swimming. They try to take the boys on an 'adventure' every few days and it's been nice for H. to be there during this time....if he has to be confined, at least he's not sitting in a classroom for hours (though Lord knows that wouldn't hurt him a bit).

H. will be home this time next week. I will be leaving for Vegas a week from today. I'm going to agree to let H. and J. work out whatever needs to be worked out that first week - with the caveat that whatever happens that first week may not be what happens when I'm back. I agree to not interfere with what's decided when I'm not home to partake in the decision process - but once I'm back, my 'voice' is back so we will re-discuss what needs to happen, day by day.

H. said they say a lot 'just for today'. Trying to remind themselves that it's just one day to negotiate - one day at a time. So we're going to work hard at looking at things as 'just for today'. Decisions are not 'forever'. They can change and merge and fluctuate - and any decision made is 'just for today'. Just for this day - this moment. They are not 'forever' things. If he's not able to visit his girlfriend today, it's 'just for today'. Tomorrow is a different day - a new day. And we'll take that day when it gets here.

That's the only NOW we will deal with - just for today.

Today is sunny and warm and my hubby and I are determined to jump in the pool at some point today.