Self

A family member who will remain nameless (s/he knows who I am referring to) said I am incredibly selfish. The words used to convey their opinion were unusually cruel - for us 'regular' folks. For this person, it was just another exhibition of being unable to communicate productively regarding anything they don't agree with. They are known for it. It is something many family members have experienced periodically over many years. We're 'used' to it. And yet, this time, it is not 'just another' time. This is the final time. I am done. This person is no longer in my 'circle' of people I will make efforts to be in touch with. And according to this person, I've made few efforts anyway, so it won't be anything 'new' to them that I have decided to take this approach.

At first, I really did feel sorry for being selfish. Sorry they felt that way. My instinct was to make it right. But then, I had some time to think it over. And I started to feel really, really GOOD that they think I'm perhaps the most selfish, most self-centered person they know. Because honestly, I've had to learn to be selfish. Learn to think about my well being and my needs before anyone else's. I didn't do that for a huge chunk of my life. And I was very, VERY unhappy for huge chunks/most of my life. Painfully insecure. Shy. Avoided not only confrontation but contact with people. And when I got married and had kids, I started to change. With the help of the previously mentioned K. I've LEARNED to be selfish. AND VERY self-centered. As in 'centering on taking care of myself' first - which makes me better at taking care of and being there for the many other important people in my life - my husband, my kids and my employer - in that order. I'm pretty proud that it's apparently becoming a 'habit' to think of my needs over someone else's. I've worked really hard to be strong enough - and to care about myself ENOUGH - to do that. So the past few days, I've been smiling about it all. Glad that it's a habit that's become as natural as breathing to me. I DON'T put other people's desires, wants or needs ahead of my own. I take care of me first and the rest comes naturally. I don't spend time 'building' un-buildable, un-sustainable relationships. It isn't worth it.

Now, this person is family. And family is very important. I love this person with all my heart. But every conversation is strained. Filled with unspoken things. There is no way to convey any opinions. Any true expression of feeling or emotions or anything that may even be slightly be perceived as judgment or criticism is met with vile, foul tone and angry, hurtful words. (And they wonder why I don't make an effort to call more?). They don't want to communicate by email - they want to be on the phone. And I've finally come to the conclusion that the reason they want that is because over the phone, there's no 'proof'. No evidence. The person can go 'off' on whatever they want to, spew whatever words they choose and the person on the other end of the phone is just left scratching their head trying to figure out where it all comes from. But when it's in writing, it's obvious just how sad this person really is (using sad in the observational way - this person IS very sad in many ways but they don't acknowledge that, either). There's no denying it. You can read the email over and over and over and still end up scratching your head - only now you SEE it in black and white. It's there in all it's sad, clearly messed up print. No denying that.

On many occasions, I have gently suggested to this family member that having an arbitrary third party to talk to might not be a bad idea. But like my mom, this individual steadfastly refuses. And any attempts at suggesting it just add to the layers of anger and accusations that 'you think I'm crazy'. No, I don't think that. I don't. But anyone reading the email would agree that there are obviously some 'anger' issues that could be dealt with. Notice I didn't say 'need' to be dealt with ....because there's no need here. This person can (and most likely will) stay completely and totally right where they are and where they have been and are emotionally for the rest of their life. But they could work on some of the things that piss them off. Instead of presuming that it's everyone else's issues that are making them so upset. Which is trying to change or control everyone around them instead of realizing that they are the only person they can actually control or change. And then they lash out, over-react and say things they can't take back and other people won't forget - and drive people away. And then they wonder why people aren't speaking to them or don't make more effort to stay in touch with them.

It has been a difficult few days while I thought all this through and came to the conclusion that I won't be trying to 'fix' this relationship anymore. My sons will be encouraged to maintain whatever contact they'd like with this person and I will be very supportive of their relationship. And I'll be cordial to this person when I see them and if I talk to them. I would give a kidney, donate blood, bone marrow or anything else I can spare if they ever need it and drop everything and be there for them in any kind of crisis - medical, personal or otherwise. But I'm sure that for me, the best 'approach' about how to fix this most recent 'blow-up' is to not. And as this person will tell you, it is all about me. All Majah, all the time. And I'm fine with that. And I'm fine with the fact that they aren't.