Most often, I feel pretty pragmatic about the situation with H. . Accepting of what we know and glad we know all of it now vs. his stories. Worried about him but not debilitated by the worry. Remind myself frequently he's been living this way for over a year now and he's figured out how to make it.
But having the contact we had in February sort of resets things in my brain and I replay the conversations over and over - and mostly beat myself up for what I did or didn't say. I mostly just move past those thoughts but sometimes it feels like a stomach punch and I'm just lost for a few minutes. Is he OK? Does he know we love him? Does he know we aren't helping him - not renting an apartment for him, not paying for him to 'get out of Texas' (which is what he says he wants to do) - because we can't keep doing things that enable him?
Does he understand that all the lies he told us - for years and years - are now stark and in the open as we realize the skill he has in misrepresenting anything remotely resembling 'truth'?
I've decided to make a chronological list of the things that happened in his 'childhood' and that list will remind me of all the shit we've been through. The time he pretended to attend classes at a community college for a year - maintaining the illusion he was in school by needing to be driven to/from daily; the time he invited his drug dealer to stay in our home when we were on vacation and left him alone in the house - he told us the person who stayed with him was a friend who used to live in our neighborhood. So many more things that happened and we just did our best to hold our shit together. So many more things I could list but I won't. Reading those things in this blog are a reminder that we were gullible, stupid, overly forgiving and clearly dumb about what it's like to have a heroin addict in the family.
It's a rocky road, that's for sure.
It's a fine line of wanting him to know we truly do care about him. We love him. He's our son. Always and forever. We offer options for where he could go when he's ready to change his life. But....there is no relationship there anymore and I truly don't think there ever will be. Pretty hard to move forward from everything - can't have any sort of meaningful relationship or contact with someone you completely do not trust. Not one little bit.
I cross that road in my head and heart all the time....preparing for the time he possibly shows up at our door looking for a roof over his head. He won't be allowed to stay with us. We would invite him in for a meal and using the facilities - but that's it. And honestly? I'm not sure what we'd talk about.
No comments:
Post a Comment