Endings

Yesterday, we pretty much finished cleaning out Dad's house. A huge garage sale was held - lookey-loo's turned up at 6:30 AM. The crowds came in waves and when it was hectic, it was hectic. Took all of us, kids included, to keep up with who's buying what, who's paid for what, etc. It was a fun morning. And around noonish, the crowds had slowed and it was time to start deciding what to donate and what to toss into the gigantic dumpster that has been sitting in front of the house for two weeks waiting for this 'clean out' process.

It felt horrible to toss so much. So many things that meant something to J's folks. But it had to be done. Some stuff is just 'to be tossed'. No reason to donate or keep. So we plowed through. Took two vans and a truckload full of stuff to the Goodwill. Tossed the rest. Then frantically went back through the house and realized how much there still was to go through. Drapes down and tossed (Dad smoked like a fiend and they reaked). Linens that weren't laundered before we sold the washer and dryer (first thing in the AM), so they were tossed as well. It was starting to be too hard.

By the end of the day, our van and car both loaded to the gills with remaining 'stuff', we headed home. Me, choked up in J's car, alone (getting about an hour head start down the road) and wishing I wasn't alone. J. and the boys in the van behind me. J. called as they were pulling onto the freeway to say they were all 3 crying. He was fine until he heard the sniffles in the backseats and turned around to see both boys crying their eyes out - and then he couldn't stop his tears, either. I felt choked up and sad pretty much the entire drive. Realizing that someday, my boys will be doing the same thing to our house - wrestling with what to keep and what to toss. Feeling guilty about not keeping all of it - yet realizing that keeping all of it is impossible. Everything comes to an end, someday. As hard and sad as that is, it is. Can't stop it - can't avoid it. Just have to deal with it. I wish the boys didn't have to know this so early in their lives - but in some way, I'm glad they do. Hopefully, helping with their grandparent's house will make going through our house easier someday. Seeing Jim and his brother make hard decisions about what to do with stuff will help them know that it is hard, it is supposed to be hard, and it's OK. Just do what you can and get it done. And seeing us not be attached to all these objects will help them keep only those things that really, really mean something to them. And remind them that the memories are what matter. The stuff is just stuff.

Some other family is going to buy that house and raise a family in it. It is a wonderful place for a family. The yard is GIGANTIC, the home beautiful. Hardwood floors throughout. It needs updating - but it will be a fun house for a young family with time and know-how to make their own. I told the boys that someday, we'll stop by again and tell the new owners this was our grandparent's home - and maybe they'll invite us in to see it. It will never be the same - but change is the only real constant in life, anyway. So learning that earlier in their life rather than later is an OK thing.

We know you're enjoying the dance, Mom and Dad. And we trust that you know we are doing the best we can. Somedays are still hard - and the endings that are still there for us to deal with are and will be hard. But we'll deal. We comfort each other and hold onto memories - and move forward. It's the best we can do.