Prayer

You know how in the classified ads you'll sometimes see the thank you notes to St. Jude? He's the Patron Saint of Lost Causes and prayers to him are when you are the most desperate.

I've been praying a lot this week - not to St. Jude specifically - I don't pray to saints. But I do talk and pray to Jesus.

H. took his iPod to camp - he insisted. And I was really pissed at him for taking it because I didn't think it was safe - and since he's lost an iPod before doing something stupid (stolen out of his backpack at an amusement park), I thought he was just asking to lose another one. He did buy this one enitrely with his money - saved from allowances and Christmas money. So it's his to do with what he wants.

He phoned on Wednesday night after I'd gone to bed to tell us that his iPod had been taken from his luggage. J. told me the next morning. I was so pissed off, I left for work with tears stinging my eyes. Why are these kids so damn stubborn? Why do they not LISTEN TO US when we tell them things are not a good idea? How much longer will I feel frustrated that he WILL NOT LISTEN and DOES NOT LEARN from his mistakes.

This episode was on top of a far from less than stellar report card for this young man. If the camp trip hadn't been basically 1/2 price (a bargain, really) and completly unplanned and spur of the moment, he wouldn't have been allowed to go. His entire schedule next year will be changed - totally and completely revamped to allow absolutely no visits from or with friends after school; no time to 'hang with friends' after dinner, etc. He will be hitting the books every spare minute M-F and good portions of the weekend, too. I won't tell you the grades because he will read this someday and I don't want to remind him that it was THAT BAD. But trust me, it was.

I am so disappointed in him. In his priorities which seem all turned around. And I feel most of the time lately, as J. and I work ourselves to death, trudging through long days and stress filled times slugging away at jobs we enjoy sometimes but for the most part wish we could give up, that we have done it all wrong. We should have raised them on a farm somewhere - made them get up at 4AM to milk cows and feed cattle and clean the pig pens. Lived in a smaller house in a state that isn't California where two incomes are pretty much mandated if you want a nice home. I know, that's not technically true - but you know I do love our home and am proud of it and blessed to be here. But it just feels wrong lately.

And then the iPod incident. Which just threw me into a 'geez, will he ever LEARN'? And I was weathering that fine, but it has been a really difficult week - more difficult than you'd think, since many ARE difficult so it's becoming hard to tell how to 'gauge' difficult. But this one was. And I'm just so worn out and tired and frustrated ...and for all my wanting to not care so much about some things, I still do. I was beside myself....just fed up, disjointed, angry. Failing. Feeling failure....as a parent; as a boss. As a wife, mother, housekeeper, dog owner, cat owner, bird owner, gardner...you see I was being rather hard on myself.

So I prayed. Gave all my fears and thoughts and angst to Jesus. Told Him I trusted Him to help me figure it all out and I knew that He knew the plan and I trusted it would be what He wanted and I was fine with that. And thanked Him for loving me and being there for me and my family and friends and thanked Him even more for affecting me so much - for giving me such a relationship with him - I'd always heard that word spoken about people's feelings toward Jesus and I never got it. How can you have a relationship with someone you can't see? Or touch? I remember all those thoughts - and yet, now, I get it. I don't know HOW I get it, or why - but I do. And I DO have a deep, love-filled relationship with Him and getting to that place has revolutionized my life. Do my kids still lose things and make bad choices? Yes. Is work still a hard place to spend 50 hours a week? Yes. But I can do it - and it's OK. I'm OK. I prayed and prayed everynight as I fell asleep. And I'd wake up the next morning and do it all again. And at the end of every prayer, I'd say 'and Jesus, if you could, would you please help the kid at camp that took H's iPod decide to give it back? Decide that stealing from another camper at a camp that is all about YOU and their relationship with You isn't the best idea? I know it's just a 'thing' and things can be replaced. But this disappointment I feel towards my son is hurting my heart and I'd really appreciate Your help, if You would, please....please.'

I know you know where this is going. We got home from dinner tonight - we've eaten out every night this week 'cuz we figure H. got a week at camp and we deserve a 'vacation' too - and shortly after we got home, the phone rang. It was H. He got the iPod back. It was in another kid's duffle bag - apparently put there by another camper trying to frame the kid. We'll get the entire story tomorrow when H. gets home. I told H. 'you go right now, with your phone and your iPod and you take them to the office and you ask them to lock them up and you'll get them back tomorrow when you come home. I'm really glad you got it back, H. and I've been praying about it so you need to thank God for listening and hearing my prayers and helping this bad situation all work out. And he said 'I know, I know - and I will, I will thank Him. I promise'.

He will be home tomorrow, with iPod intact, we hope. I love that young man, even when he's trying my patience and making me question every single parenting skill I've ever thought I possessed.