Already? All Ready?

Weekends sure fly by, don't they?  Wow.  It's already Monday evening (feels like Sunday, doesn't it?  If it doesn't, it's probably 'cuz you're not working so the days are all the same to you.  Lucky!).  The only thing making that fact palatable is that we're one day closer to hearing from B. .  Three weeks is a really, really long time to go without talking to him.  I'm pretty sure it's far longer than any Basic Training communication gap - at least it sure feels that way.  Three weeks of absolutely zero interaction is really hard.  Both J. and I are thinking of him constantly - watching for any sign of life on Facebook (none - his phone is 'dark' as it has been for 2 weeks and three days).  The only indication he's still alive is that he's gone to the PX at Ft. Bragg a couple times - so I know he's OK. Probably buying blister stuff or something.

It will only be a few more days - I'm on pins and needles.  I think he said that if he makes it to week three, it's 'downhill' from there - so I hope this week is easier than others.  Undoubtedly none of it has been easy.  He likes challenges and they are good for him.

Still, I held out hope they'd give them a call home for Veteran's Day - but no.

I worked today and spent some of that just sitting at my desk (went in to the office) attempting to avoid panic.  Kept reminding myself to breath.  Just breath.  When the state of California turns education funding on it's ear - truly revolutionary and yet still so full of holes and issues and problems - they really do a good job complicating everything twenty fold.  Yikes.  I no sooner thought I'd figured it all out then I'd see something else that made me wonder - and that would lead to more minutes of reminding myself to breath.  At one point, every time I blinked, I saw bright red. That worried me a bit 'cuz I don't know why that was happening - I think it was just tired eyes 'cuz I took a break from the spreadsheets and data littered all over my desk and the red disappeared.

Though seeing red may be the most appropriate, truthful reaction I could possibly have.

We've had so many years of uncertainty - and to continue to need to deliver that same message still/yet again/seemingly endlessly - is just so hard.  There are just so many moving parts right now - some State issues/factors; some distinctly related to just our district; some that are just still unknown as the State hasn't issued guidance on huge chunks of the new funding and reporting about how those funds are used - that it's impossible to feel or react optimistically to any of it.  And that just discourages me so much.  As a CBO and as a person.  We haven't had ongoing raises since 2006-07. And while much looks 'better', it's not so great that it's a cartwheel turning, break out the champagne kind of thing.

And we have a new Superintendent and it's all new to him - true, it's all new to me and every other CBO and Sup in the state at the moment - but education funding is all new to him and that adds complexity.  It's hard to communicate hugely complex things that are stunningly new and vague to someone who is brand new to all of it.  Old vs. new doesn't mean anything to him - so I have to communicate both.

We will muddle through.  And I will muddle through.

When a CBO friend from another district returned my email question with a call, she shared how overwhelmed and stressed she is.  And I bit my tongue 'cuz I will always listen and support my peers as they do me when I'm panicking and worried.  It happens.  And having friends is what helps get you through those scary, hard days.  But this friend manages (truly, literally - this is not an exaggeration in any way) 20% of what I'm responsible for.  She is a CBO - but she doesn't manage Food Services or Transportation or Facilities or Construction or Maintenance and Operations or Technology.  None of that.  She manages strictly Business (which I also manage) - budget, accounts payable, payroll, accounts receivable.  That's it.  So biting my tongue whilst being supportive of her 'moment' was incredibly hard.

I hung up the phone and closed my eyes and took many deep breaths just to get through it.  I should have an MOT director (for the Maintenance, Operations & Transportation stuff) but I don't and won't for some time - budget reduction that we don't think we can afford to put back.  I have an interim Food Service director - no management experience and it's all learning for her regarding the funding for Food Service, etc. .  There is literally not enough of me to go around.  Spread thin doesn't even begin to describe it lately.

I exist therefore I persist.