Melancholy

This time last year, we were heading to the emergency room....so from that perspective, it's been a much better 'the last day of Winter Break' than last year was......

But still, it is what it is: the last day of Winter Break....

I sit here listing all the things I need to do at work.....and listing all the things that still need doing around here. There's always plenty on both lists....

In about an hour, I'm taking a Benadryl and heading to bed - forcing myself to go to sleep earlier 'cuz I am getting up MUCH earlier than I have been. I've made it until 9AM or later most days so getting up by 5 (and earlier if I can manage it) is going to be painfully hard. Even more so if I don't get to sleep before midnight.

As much as I absolutely, positively love and appreciate the two weeks off, the adjustment back to 'the real world' is always so incredibly hard. My mind is mush trying to recall all that was 'pending' when I left two weeks ago....and I'm feeling a bit blindsided by the business that I know will ensue the minute I sit at my desk in the morning.

I am blessed to have a job that provides for two weeks off during Christmas and New Years. It's such a blessing to be off during these days...

Martin Luther King day can't come soon enough. Only two weeks until a three day weekend. That's a blessing....

I want to send a huge acknowledgment out to my husband who has spent the past two weeks cajoling, corralling and (sometimes) forcing an almost 18 year old to actually DO all the work he PROMISED he would do to be ready to transfer back to his former high school for the his last (we hope) semester of high school. J. is so much more patient than I am with these issues - I expect the kids to do the work on their own...keep track of things on their own. This is not realistic - most especially with the two boys I am most familiar with - and if not for J., H. wouldn't stand a chance. J. keeps track of every assignment; helps H. figure out the timing and staging of what should be next, etc. J.'s rarely (visibly) frustrated or discouraged - he approaches his 'second job' like he approaches all things in his life - patiently, willingly and gladly. H. really owes his dad a lot 'cuz without J., I don't think H. would be where he is. As it is, it's after 7PM on the 'last day' for H. to get a zillion things accomplished - and as (I) expected, there remains much to be done. H. had time for a lot of 'fun' stuff last week - and put absolutely every assignment off until the bitter end. So here we are - and where we'll be in a couple days, I don't know.

I put my foot down today with both of them - and told H. that his dad will most definitely NOT be going to these extremes to ensure H. is successful in college. College is a 'pay for performance' proposition in this house - and I told H. that we won't pay for college if he doesn't demonstrate during his final high school semester that he has the desire, willingness and ability to execute on those things as it relates to school work. If he progresses and keeps his grades decent, then we'll foot the bill for college - a semester at a time. But if he blows it and puts things off and doesn't do things when they need to be done without his dad being constantly vigilant, then we won't pay for college and he'll have to pay. Or make other arrangements. I am grateful to J. for all he's done to keep H. on track - and at the same time, I'm slightly irritated at the entire thing. The kid needs to be responsible for himself! When will that be starting, exactly? 'Cuz helping him to the degree J. has been helping him (he's not doing the work for him - not at all - but he is making sure H. knows exactly what's left and what needs to be done) isn't exactly helping to make the kid self-sufficient.

I have supported H.'s desire to go back to his old school because I totally understand that he wants to graduate with his friends. But I have a sinking feeling that in about four months, we're going to be in a situation where it will be abundantly clear that H. will NOT be graduating from his high school - OR any high school. Given the past few weeks, it's highly likely H. will not keep up and will be unable to fulfill requirements of classes where you don't have the flexibility of working when you feel like it. He has a huge, HUGE amount of flexibility in his current school - and that will be non-existent back in his former school. Didn't get an assignment done when it's due? Current school: no due dates. Kids work at their own pace. School he's trying to return to: not turned in when due is a zero. No makeups. Nada. Zip. And we've had plenty of evidence in his past three years attending there that 'zip' will be highly likely - even though he's not using any controlled substances at the moment.

The whole thing scares the crap out of me and I'm not really 'comfortable' with the plan. But I'm letting it go.

I just don't think H. sees how hard this is on J. But I do. He doesn't need a second full time job on top of all he already does in his current job(s) - as a banker, a husband, a father, a home owner, etc. I think J. is exhausted....I know I would be.

And I really think it's only just begun......

I think H. is putting a lot of pressure on himself by returning to his former school. And his past ability to handle pressure has also been catastrophically bad. He does not handle stress well - period. He just doesn't cope well - so it's really worrying me to have him go back to the pressure cooker environment he left.

I'd like to say I'm sure THIS will 'all work out'....but I'm not sure. And all the uncertainty is really hard for me to handle. And with all J.'s doing, I then get hard on myself - for being so pissy about it all. But where we've been and what we've endured with that kid is something I do not ever want to repeat....ever. For his sake. And for ours.

We start a new year. The first six months of 2010 sucked big time around here. Things improved greatly the second six months. So I'm just hoping we stay on the 'things are ok' path as we enter 2011.

We are too old for roller coasters. Way too old. Sunset Magazine says so (see previous post if you have no idea what I'm talking about).