Saturday, January 29, 2011

Grumpy Gus

Two grumpy young men greeted us this morning.

Son #2 was PO'd at having to get out of bed early on a Saturday morning to attend Saturday School. He left campus without permission to check his car alarm one day this week and had to get a pass to get back into class - penalty was 4 hours of Saturday school. He completely overlooked that they waived multiple Saturday School hours he was supposed to serve for his year-end issue. They just wiped it off the books! And he failed to notice that it was also good to just get up and do it today because it was a 'double hours' Saturday School day - so he got his full four hours resolved and only had to be there two. He returned home just after 10AM and went back to bed.

Son #1 arose shortly after that point, PO'd that he had to go to work. Actually, he was more PO'd that Son #2 doesn't have to go to work because he doesn't have a job. To which I replied 'I swear you just wake up and look for a reason to be angry about something. Your brother did have to get up early to go to Saturday School and now he's back in bed for a bit. Move on and worry about yourself.' I did not remind him of the massive amount of money he owes us currently; did not remind him that had we not pitched in for his car repair, he'd be without wheels. Offered to fix him eggs for breakfast to send him off to his nine hour day (with an hour lunch) with a protein-filled stomach.

I worked today - which I planned. Though unfortunately, it feels like the only thing accomplished was highlighting the growing dis-ease feeling in the pit of my stomach. There are 31 days in January and I will have worked 24 of them when the 31st rolls around. Some months are like that....but seeing it on paper just sucks. It really does. Tomorrow will be more of the same...though I'm going to try to get up a little earlier (I slept in until 9 which is hugely 'late' for me, even on a Saturday) and start earlier. Progress was made - though there's more to do. It will be OK. I can get it all done.....I always do.

We had planned to do some geocaching but it's cold, cloudy and dark outside. Why is it the crystal clear, sunny afternoons are always, ALWAYS on weekdays and the weekends (lately) are cold, dark and depressing.

There's always tomorrow - hopefully, I'll work early in the day and then have a sunny afternoon to get outside and walk/hike around for a bit.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Keen

It's FRIDAY!! Yeah! No matter what else the weekend holds, I have two days of sleeping in to look forward to and I need it!

It's the perfect day to slip into jeans, a denim work shirt (embroidered with our district logo, thus making uber-casual more appropriate for work) and my new Keen shoes which are so, so comfortable and look cute, too. They are sort of a cross between a tennis shoe and a hiking shoe. They are sturdy and supportive and make me feel ready to live in the woods for a month. Or maybe just a week. (OK - a day is probably all I could manage - but if you go to REI to shop, you immediately have the desire to become someone who lives in the backwoods. Especially with freeze dried beef stroganoff, etc. to sustain you).

This is the first work day this week without a lot of meetings that require me to 'dress the part' and it's just adding another layer of Friday glee to my disposition to be able to venture out of the house dressed in very comfortable clothes. Makes me feel all warm and snugly - which it isn't in here since it's 57 degrees in this room right now and 40 degrees outside. Brrrr!

We hope to get a couple geocaching missions in this weekend and H. is inviting a friend to join us.

I had an absolutely wonderful dinner with my friend J. on Tuesday evening - much needed catching up and chatting about kids, etc. Her daughter also attends LasPo so she and B. are hopefully going to have coffee or something. You can never have too many friends and especially friends that you see at school during your days there. Friend J. and I are always able to immediately pick up as if no time has passed....don't you love those kind of friends? There's no awkward 'um, what do we say to each other' moments - we are gibbering from the minute we greet each other until the minute we leave. It was great to see her and fun to catch up!

My mission for this weekend is to unearth the jury duty summons that is buried somewhere on my desk. It's for our local court so at least if I do have to go, it's in town (vs. Stockton). I postponed it in November and wow, did that 60 days go by quickly! It's not any better of a time now to serve - but oh well. Have to call in nightly starting tonight.....

If the weather is sunny (though cold), we'll attempt to do some more yard work. Winter 'yuck' is everywhere and there's a lot to prune, sweep, rake, etc.

Hoping for a quiet, productive, fun, relaxing weekend. Which is the opposite of how the week has felt. Productive? Yes! Quiet, fun, relaxing - um, no....not at all. So bring on some 'passive'. I could use that.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Spanish

Early morning Monday and I'm wondering a couple things:

  • Why is Yahoo showing me ads in Spanish?
  • Why am I seeing so many ads for towns I don't live in - in Florida, Ohio, etc.

I wouldn't mind so much except there's always that brief moment when I think 'where am I? Did I go on a trip and forget? Am I home?'.

Aging is not for sissies, either....

We enjoyed a great dinner out with B. . His best friend C. (who is home from Sonoma State for another week - he gets two weeks more off than B.) was able to join us. It was fun and delicious! B. is officially 20. We promised to take him to Vegas for his 21st - and he reminded us that he probably won't be home for his 21st - so we said we hoped he could get a weekend off and we could meet him there. His friend C. turns 20 on our anniversary in March, so we told B. 'if you will wait until C. turns 21 in March, 2012, we'll take you both to Vegas'. He said that sounded like a plan.

Another quiet morning disrupted by the Grand Central Station of pets. They seem to have both calmed down for the moment - and of course, it's now time for me to head upstairs and get showered and dressed for the day. Love them both to pieces but oh how I really feel pissy when I'm spending 10-15 minutes orchestrating the activities of a feline and canine. Dog went out to pee first thing - cat went out with her. Dog comes back in. No cat and no sign of him. Worry briefly 'will he go near the pool, fall in and drown?'. Decide not likely and too cold to keep standing there with the door open. Close door 'cuz it's freezing outside. Feed dog. Hear her frantically scratching on back door - let her out to do her other business - cat runs in. Dog chases cat to gate. Cat bashes through gate (not latched, thank goodness) to escape dog. Dog knows she's not to go past gate unless invited and finally goes outside to take care of business. Now cat is tormenting dog by sitting on the other side of gate.....

I did not sleep well last night - various aches and pains kept me up a good chunk of the night. The only good thing about not sleeping well is I will probably sleep much better tonight. Exhaustion has a way of leading to better quality sleep.

1/2 day at a meeting at our County Office of Ed. Busy day. I did go in yesterday and was really glad I did because I had quite a few quick things I was able to get moving and delegated out to people to take care of this morning while I'm away. There's always so much to do.....

Happy Monday and enjoy the last full week in January. Time has just flown by this past month....

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Geocaching

We managed to do three geocaching hunts yesterday afternoon...and were even more stoked to have H. joining us in the activity. Our geocaching Magellan GPS unit is great though we're learning to navigate through it's settings as we go.

We found two items and had to give up on one. Not sure if we missed it or if it's not there anymore - but two of three as successful finds wasn't bad for our first effort.

Some things I will do differently include:
  • I won't bring my purse. I'll bring my small 'walking' purse which has a long enough strap to put it across my body - and just carry driver's license, cell phone and a little cash. We were walking around a lot and while my purse was locked in the car, I was nervous about it the entire time.
  • Bring gloves and trash bags. I think while we're hunting, we could pick up miscellaneous trash and help our city while we're having fun searching. I know my cohorts won't want to do this but as long as I have work gloves on, I'm fine with it.

We downloaded some extra locations just in case - and today, if we have time, we might venture further away from Tracy and try some out in Mountain House.

H. seemed to really enjoy it - he found one of the caches and J. found the other.

The goal of our new geocaching 'hobby' is to get us up and out more - and it certainly succeeded in that. We're hoping to get out again today - it's sunny and beautiful and a perfect day for a treasure hunt.

It's also B.'s 20th birthday - so I'll be spending the day remembering back two decades to the day that totally changed our lives forever. I've said frequently in this blog that parenting is not for sissies - and we never could have imagined 20 years ago this morning just how true that was. We held that little, tiny baby boy and were instantly besotted with him - madly, truly, deeply in love with this little human. And it's still true today - even with all the challenges.

We have a fun dinner out at a Benihana type restaurant here in town and he partied with friends last night.

I'm heading out to my office for a bit - this upcoming week is as busy as last week with multiple days out of the office for various meetings. It will help me a bit to have waded through some of the 'must do' items on my desk before the week starts. I can manage without going in - but when I do that, I then try to get myself to my desk by 6-ish - and that's pretty hard to do, especially if I'm trying to allow some time for exercise in the AM.

Happy sunny Sunday!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Keith

Gob-smacked about Keith Olbermann's abrupt departure from MSNBC....admittedly found him to be an acquired taste but upon acquiring the taste for his 'humor with a bite' and his constant angst at or towards someone or something, I will miss him. And will look forward to when he will be back on TV in a couple years on a different network. Feel as sad as I did when Tim Russert died - but at least with Keith, we know we will enjoy him again somewhere, sometime in the future.

I did sleep in but really had to work at it - until 9. Dreaming weird dreams and frequently hearing music - and wondering why my alarm was going off - only to realize it was music in my head waking me up, not the actual alarm clock. Dreamt about my sister-in-law - we were staying in their house for some reason - my brother not there - on a trip, I think - and being aware my sister-in-law was in the house somewhere but never seeing her. So I tried to tidy up the house a bit and was vacuuming up what looked like dust bunnies on the floor, along the fireplace, etc. - and she runs out to tell me (looking as beautiful as she always did) that those aren't dust bunnies, they are a special insulation and to please stop cleaning them up. So I try to stuff the dust back into the corners of everything - and then offer to go to Home Depot and buy some more of her 'special insulation' and help return everything to the state it was before I tried to clean up......and then I woke up. Hidden meanings there, I'm sure.....and it was great to 'see' her, even if only for a few minutes.

There is sun today - sometimes hiding behind a few clouds - but generally 'sunny'. So we are venturing outside in a bit to take a geocaching hike. Me, J. and H. (B. was up 'early' to meet someone at the gym and he went back to sleep). J. and I also worked a little bit in the backyard, pruning our potato bush/tree. The gardener lopped off a lot of it - which it needed. But it's still 'front' heavy and is leaning over the patio and blocking where we walk by the pool - so we cut off some additional branches. It was nice to be outside, albeit very briefly. Now it's cold again....

Today's activities include going through a week's worth of mail; balancing our bank accounts; running some errands and assorted other miscellaneous 'stuff'. I'd love a nap but won't.

And there I go again - sleep. It's always about sleep.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Yahoo! It's Friday!

Busy, busy week behind me. Survived the week without J. and was so glad to hear him open the front door last night - he was home.

Crap always happens when he's gone - I know it's possible that just me feeling that way might be influencing things happening - but it's so true.

B. was in a car accident on Tuesday (or Wednesday - I honestly can't remember - the week's events are sort of a blurry haze of 'is it over yet?') which he described to me as a fender bender. He was clearly fine - sitting in front of me totally fine. In hindsight, I should have been better prepared for the reality when he asked me immediately upon my arrival home from work 'Have you talked to Dad recently?' Um, no....and his hesitation to tell me led me to say 'just spill it, B.'. He had a 'fender bender' on the freeway. He 'rear-ended someone'. I inquired about damage to the guy's car and he said there was some. And then he said 'mine's a bit worse'. So I headed outside to find the hood buckled up onto itself, barely remaining closed, one head light totally smashed and assorted other dents, etc. He said 'it was an accident. I have a bad habit of looking left and I did and then I looked ahead and slammed on my brakes but it was too late'.

I've barely spoken to him since. I know that's a totally immature reaction for a 50+ year old woman to have, but I'm so pissed off and fed up with him, I can't stand to talk to him. I get it was an accident - but he was not paying attention in stop and go traffic on a freeway, noticed it was slowing, must have been going far too fast for the traffic situation he was in - and then doesn't pay attention and looks away from straight ahead. And WHAMMO! Another accident.

They can fix the car, we think - though it's close to being considered totaled. I'm hoping it IS totaled and we can take the insurance check for OUR car that we've let him use and he can use his savings to buy some vehicle to get him to/from school this semester. Then he's going to enlist and he won't need a car. Why should we keep providing a vehicle to him that he smashes up? And the insurance - don't even get me started on that subject. He's going to be off our policy and be responsible for paying for that as well.

I have a case of 'we're making it far too easy for him to be a twit'. He owes us for his school tuition which he can't afford to pay us back for right now. And now he'll owe us for the $1,000 deductible - and I'm collecting that from him even if they hand us a check and tell us the car is totaled. They will pay us $1,000 less than the value and he has to make up that difference. And then get himself a car with his college savings - his money entirely, in his name - and he needs to use it to figure out how to pay to get himself to/from school until he enlists.

His birthday is day after tomorrow - he will be 20. Two decades old. I don't feel in the mood to celebrate with him - but we will go out to dinner. He wanted a party - but when we told him we wouldn't allow his non-21 year old friends (or him) to drink alcohol here, he decided he'd party with friends instead - spend the night somewhere. He is very, very careful about that - never drives home if he's partying. And yet, you wonder what other stupid, irresponsible stuff he does that we never find out about?

I know it's just a car...and just an 'accident'. They happen. But jeez Louise....why can't he pay attention and be careful?

The week was super busy and jammed with meetings, etc. It's been 12+ hour days every day and I'm ready to head up to bed and sleep for a really, really long time - and when I wake up, I'm going to go back to sleep...again and again.

I end way too many blog posts describing sleep.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Yowsa!

In an effort to prove composting is not for sissies, I seriously sliced the top of my left ring finger while chopping up some old tangerines to put in the compost bin. Typing is going to be a challenge for a few days as the tip of my ring finger heals. Wow, those new Cutco knives are incredibly sharp. And proof of just how dull are old knives were.....they cut through 10 stalks of celery like butter - so imagine what they do to a finger....it hurts. My paramedic trained son reminded me to keep pressure on it - extended pressure, not looking at it every couple seconds - so it's no longer gushing blood. Which is a good thing.

It's another cloudy, cold, wet, dreary day here in the Central Valley. Friday was absolutely beautiful - crystal clear and sunny - and of course, it was a work day. The entire 3 day weekend has been gloomy and cold. My nasturtiums froze again - as they did last year - and will not survive another freeze.

Christmas decorations are back up in the rafters. They were all 'put away' as long as you didn't look in the garage and see them scattered everywhere. They're back up on shelves, boxed and ready for next year.

J. leaves for North Carolina tomorrow for most of the week - and I have more night work meetings this week than in recent memory....so it will be a busy week. I've ensured a supply of 'easy' meals available for H. to fix and promised him I will OK eating out on us once (or twice, possibly). He now officially has his own debit card tied to his own bank account - and we keep reminding him that the purpose of setting up the account was to provide an easy way to fund allowances and lunch money. Also the added benefit of making what he spends money on easily track-able as well. He wanted to take his savings and head to the mall for clothes shopping - and we vetoed that. Reminding him that 'it's not savings if you view it as available' and that he also should save for Cancun. We're paying for the trip and condo but activities, etc. are on them as much as possible....so if they want to rent wave runners, they have to have their own $ for that. Same with para sailing, etc.

B. starts his final semester at Las Po this week. He also got the one class he needs to graduate at Modesto JC - so he is going to be very, VERY busy. One of his last classes is the math class he's repeated so many times, I've lost count - and he must pass with a "C" or better to graduate. That's a challenge for him. He's not good at math. So this semester will be a 'wait and see' semester as he juggles two schools, lots of units and his job....I keep reminding him that he won't have much time for sleeping or social things this semester. He says he knows that. I hope he does.

His last semester's grades came out this week - and once again, he got a "D" - which means this next semester is on him, not us. Which is a bit of a problem since he currently doesn't have enough funds to cover tuition and books - so the United Bank of Mom & Dad is making him a loan to cover tuition. He will be paying us back as quickly as possible. He was surprised at the "D" since he thought he'd done well on the final - but acknowledged to J. that he might have missed too many classes and that might have hurt his grade. Will he ever learn? So far, we've only had to pay for one semester - his first - and the rest has been on him. Seems there's always one class that he just blows off - and pays dearly. At $800+ per semester for tuition, books, etc. , he'd have a whole lot more $$ in the bank had he just worked a little harder....

I grocery shopped, pet store shopped and treated myself to Starbucks yesterday. Today, I'm not sure what I've planned - possibly working a bit this afternoon. Was praying for a clear, sunny skies to rationalize being outside - but no such luck. Given my meeting schedule this week, I should attempt to wedge in some work time to get 'ahead' a bit. Then again, I'm never ahead.....but it's a dream. I also have a gift card from a favorite store in the mall so I might head there and enjoy a little shopping. We'll see.

It's just past noon and there's still (at least) nine hours remaining in the weekend. No nap. No time for sleep today - whatever I'm doing, there's too much of it to do to spend time sleeping.

That, and I'm getting so old that if I nap, I won't sleep well tonight - and that's not a good thing.

I'm making Sunday dinner tonight - chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes. Hope there will be leftovers for Son #2 to eat for dinner tomorrow night since I won't be home.

Missing J. already....

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Positively Positive

Via Positively Positive on Facebook:

Having a grievance or a resentment is like drinking poison and thinking it will kill your enemy. - Nelson Mandela

Sums it up beautifully, I think. And I'll add my own to the thoughts for the day:

From Majah on Blogger:

Moving forward is the only appropriate direction to consider. All others lead nowhere.

And close with the art/sign that is on the wall next to our office which we see every single day: Good things will happen today.

I start and end each day with seeing that thought - and it's a good one. Positivity is a state of mind and it can get you through a lot of crap. I speak from personal experience.

Have a wonderful Sunday - we are!

Friday, January 07, 2011

Danger at High Altitudes

Son #1 spent three days in Tahoe snowboarding with friends. He rearranged work schedules to give himself three days and returned home yesterday in time to get to work by 1PM. Clear skies and good weather helped ensure a timely arrival - we were worried. But he made it home.

He mentioned somewhat casually that he was pretty sore - and even more casually that he was mainly sore from a 'pretty bad fall' he took. He described it to me as 'I fell down a wall and tumbled pretty far - about 250 feet - sliding on my back, tumbling head over heels a couple times, rolling, sliding, more rolling, more sliding.

When he described it to his brother, he added 'and when I finally came to a stop, my first thought was 'hey, I'm still alive'. '

So to the angels who watched over him, thank you. For him - a 20 year old kid who believes he is invincible (as most 20 year old kids do) - to stop and think 'I'm still alive', is a pretty clear indication it was a bad, bad fall. He made it down the mountain under his own power - but is sore. And I'm sure that's an understatement.

Treadmill successfully completed including some time at a slow jog of 3.2MPH. Felt good. Though it took a lot of effort to concentrate hard on keeping that pace. The treadmill will go faster if I go faster - and it has a distinct whine when you're making the tread move beyond what it's set to move. So I have to really think about my pace....get into the rhythm....I count my steps 1-100 and then start over at 1. Over and over and over.

The treadmill has a 'reading stand' which I now realize is a complete joke. Seriously - I could no more read a magazine while walking/jogging on that thing than I could hang the moon. Even if I could navigate the coordination required to read while on a treadmill, my eyesight is so bad that I can't see anything I'd be looking at from the distance of where I am to where the reading stand is.

Time to look into 'large size print' - or get some iPod downloads of books. Now that's a idea.....

It's FRIDAY! Off to the races.....a sweet co-worker who knows this has been a challenging week is bringing me a sugar free vanilla latte this morning - what a nice thing to anticipate. And I will return the favor for her next week - we're going to alternate Fridays.....

Returning

Today is H.'s first day back (physically) at his 'old' high school. He and I went to Staples for some 'back to school' shopping last night. A notebook, some paper, a nice pen, mechanical pencils and a flash drive. Believe it or not, he chose a flash drive 'be-dazzled' with rhinestones on it. It was on clearance and he loved it's 'flashiness' - so score!

We are very, very proud of him and when I think back on the past year, I realize how much work he's done to get here and how far he's come. There's also a fair amount of wanting to hit myself on the head with a two-by-four - for not noticing all the little things that now seem so, so obvious....all the warning signs you read about that when you are experiencing them, you sort of don't 'get' until you're faced with a child who's barely functioning and barely holding on. We've been there. And we are on the other side (by all appearances - though you're never really ever on the other side - and we pray about that a lot, still - and probably always) and still reeling from where we've been.

I think he sees how much sweeter and easier life is when you're not spending every waking minute focusing on your next fix - and when you're not spending every spare waking minute attempting to deceive yourself and everyone around you that you aren't using. I think he really gets that now - how keeping all the stories straight and keeping us in the dark by lying and creating tall tales was exhausting and devastatingly hard, long term.

He is shopping for a class ring; ordering a year book today. That part makes me a little sad because he will have a yearbook which he will not be in. He missed the date to include a senior portrait - which doesn't mean we won't be getting them done (we will) - but it won't be in the year book. So many senior activities he's missed. But he'll still make the Disneyland trip this Spring and he'll still have a lot of other fun senior activities like Senior Beach Day (when they all hang out by the school's pool all day), etc.

We are very proud of him and really excited for him to go back to his 'regular' school. We saw a neighbor at Staples last night - and the first thing H. did was to tell him 'I'm going back to Tracy High starting tomorrow'. He's proud of himself, too - and that's a really great thing. He deserves to be.

He had to serve out the remaining three days of his suspension and did chores for three days. We kept him pretty busy, especially yesterday. The list was long.

There are still a lot of risks that we will be aware of - he's used to a lot of flexibility that he no longer has. And there are dealers on virtually every corner and kids who want to tempt him to go back to using. And when I talked to him about it last night, he said (very assuredly and calmly) 'I don't use anymore. My friends know that and my answer is no. I spent the summer in rehab. My answer is no'.

I was up at 3:30 this morning after failing to be up early the past couple days. It's been crazy at work and I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted and that's been manifesting itself in sleeping through until close to 6AM. Yesterday, I slept through the alarm for 30+ minutes! That's very rare for me. So I'm up and ready to hop on the treadmill for my workout and then into work very early with the goal of being out of work 'on time' around 3ish or so. Earlier if I can manage it. We have no real 'plans' this weekend except to open a checking account for H. which will allow him to carry a debit card and me to move money into his account for lunch, etc. He still has no 'free' access to cash without us knowing and he has to provide receipts....so we think him having a debit card will allow us to 'see' transactions and know where he's spending lunch, etc. It's like a GPS tracking system, sort of.....

He's also been directed to find a job - pronto. To quit waiting for the 'right' job and find ANY job that will give him some hours for a regular weekly income. If gas goes to $4 like they say it will, he's definitely going to be pitching in for his fuel expenses. It's time. And it will keep him very busy -

More later -

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Drama

What a day.....

Wow, we had a drama filled day today. Someone left (as in left their employment) unexpectedly....and the notice of that was reverberating through the place like electricity most of the morning. It was a hard thing to grasp.

In the afternoon, someone who reports to me passed out at her desk - requiring an ambulance, fire engine and a fleet of paramedics and firemen. She was sitting up by the time they got to our office and refused to go to the hospital. About 30 minutes later, she was on the floor again - although voluntarily - dizzy again, she decided to lie down. Her husband came to get her. Hoping she's OK.

I managed 3/4 of a mile in 20 minutes this morning, walking at a fairly brisk pace. I like the treadmill because it's easy to ensure I'm really walking fast. Changing the speed to confirm I WILL do whatever distance is my goal for the morning by whatever time I've decided I'm trying for. I didn't do an incline today because my hips hurt a lot while I was walking yesterday (leading me to think 'I'm never going to be in better shape if I can't even manage to JUST WALK)...but the no-incline approach seemed to help with that. I am not too sore - so that's good. Or it means I'm not working out hard enough, which maybe isn't good. I don't know....I'm a novice at this 'exercise' thing. I'm sticking with it. (I realize two days is no record. But I can feel it. I'm sticking with it. I need it....and not just for weight loss or health. For general well being and stress management).

I've been eating really carefully as well - and except for standing over the kitchen sink devouring two roasted chicken wings (feeling very much like a Survivor tribe member eating every last morsel off the bones), I've been very healthy. I feel hungry - but mainly when I get home in the evening. I didn't snack too much today (almonds - just almonds) and that's probably why I came home absolutely starving. Yogurt for breakfast, cottage cheese for lunch and then dinner. I'm starved when I get home. So, SO glad J. had picked up a Costco roasted chicken. It was delicious.

I stood in line at Chevron with dozens of other people to buy Mega Millions. Now THAT would be drama.

Early

Today, 4:12AM felt much earlier than it did yesterday....but I still got myself up and into exercise clothes. 3/4 of a mile in under 20 minutes...a brisk walk most of the way. I had to concentrate really hard the first 200 steps or so - walking on a treadmill takes a lot of concentration, at least for me.

Found Son #2 asleep on the couch. He said 'Night Mom' as he headed upstairs. Not sure he realized it was morning....though he did mumble 'I fell asleep on the couch'. I'd pretty much figured that out since the TV was on with the DishNetwork black screen flashing off and on.

The dog peeked out from her burrow as I approached the treadmill - and quickly snuggled back in as soon as she realized I was not heading that direction for her.

Work went by very quickly yesterday and was actually fun. I felt awesome and energized all day and my boss said 'you look really relaxed'. I'd styled my hair yesterday - got a ton of compliments on it so I guess a little texturizing product and three extra minutes in the morning is worth it. It's the hair. I think the bangs I sported yesterday hid most of the worry/fret lines on my forehead and that's why he thought I looked so relaxed. We all did, really - two weeks off will do that for you. Now it's 'we're back'. And that's OK.

Son #1 is in Tahoe for a few days of snowboarding - so I'll be on edge until his safe return. He wanted to use my car for the trip - and I said no. So he got two snowboards and all the gear into his car and he and a friend headed out yesterday. Hope he doesn't hurt himself 'cuz he hasn't been snowboarding in a really long time. I reminded him of the safety rules - drive carefully, pay attention and don't go off trail. A bunch of them have rented a house up there....so I sure hope all's well. Kids will be kids.

The three of us at home had talapia fillets for dinner - even H. tried them and was OK with it. I think that's the first fish he's ever eaten ('cuz I don't count shrimp as fish). We had steamed brussel sprouts, banana squash and fish for dinner. And kind of like Chinese food - I was hungry about an hour later. Nibbled on some Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal which I'd read about on a website yesterday morning - 3/4 of a cup is only one point! It's not too bad.

J. and H. blitzed through the remainder of the cooking class assignments yesterday. They had homemade guacamole and sauteed summer squash for lunch and then made chocolate chip cookies for dessert. H. finished all of his classes and is officially withdrawn from his 'cyber' school. Today, he re-enrolls at his old high school and begins serving the remainder of the suspension days that he owed at the end of his junior year. I will be crafting a massive 'To Do' list because three days suspended is not going to be three days of sitting around playing video games. He's fine with it - he seems to want to do whatever he needs to do to return to his old high school and he's taking his lumps about the suspension days well. He's really going to have a big adjustment to getting up and getting to school by 8, etc. Wish him luck - I know I am.

Shower time. Off to another day - the cleaning crew comes today so it will be lovely to return home to tidiness and order...and with one less person in the house, it should last a wee bit longer than it usually does.

Monday, January 03, 2011

I Did It!

I actually made it on the treadmill for 15 minutes - at a 2.2 MPH pace most of the way. Now I know that's not much by any standard - but for me, it's HUGE. Just starting is a big step. Just actually getting myself out of bed and pulling on 'work out' clothes (long sleeve t-shirt, stretchy capri pants and running shoes) is a big step. Navigating the dog - who whined to go out the minute I came downstairs at FOUR AM, thus confirming that once again, someone put her to bed last night without taking her out for a 'final pee' - and the cat, who either snuck out when I was waiting for Chloe to 'find the place and pee already' or was out all night and only came back in when I heard the dog (after she'd come back inside from peeing) scratching frantically on the door. I opened it to let her out - glad she was ready to do her other business - and the cat stormed in. It's Grand Central Station around here in the early morning hours.

I worked up some actual SWEAT and feel great! Tonight, I'm going to have J. help me set up the Wii on the new TV so I can add some Wii Fitness to tomorrow's morning routine. Some treadmill time and other movement will be a great way to start the day.

I slept so-so...and as always, woke up around 3 - and because this is (sadly) a work day, I couldn't go back to sleep. Knowing the alarm is set to go off in...an hour and 15 minutes....an hour.....45 minutes....30 minutes.....until I finally just end up getting up. During breaks, I can just go back to sleep - easily. But work days are an entirely different mind set and that shows up so much in my sleeping patterns.

I'm going to have a productive, fun, busy work day. And I'm going to leave work after an 8 hour day (or by 4 at the latest) and try to do another 20 minutes or so on the treadmill. I didn't have my iPod with me so hopefully, I can use that this afternoon which will help with being tediously bored after only a couple minutes. Still, I trudged through it - creating rhythms with the pace of the treadmill and the 'pattern' of the winding tread.

It's a start. And starting is almost always the hardest part of anything. I felt instantly 'better' as soon as I put on my running shoes. The simple act of pulling on clothes intended for something other than sitting around drinking coffee was somehow motivating. And that little step got me to the next step of actually using the treadmill!

Have a great day - and I will most definitely be doing the same.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Melancholy

This time last year, we were heading to the emergency room....so from that perspective, it's been a much better 'the last day of Winter Break' than last year was......

But still, it is what it is: the last day of Winter Break....

I sit here listing all the things I need to do at work.....and listing all the things that still need doing around here. There's always plenty on both lists....

In about an hour, I'm taking a Benadryl and heading to bed - forcing myself to go to sleep earlier 'cuz I am getting up MUCH earlier than I have been. I've made it until 9AM or later most days so getting up by 5 (and earlier if I can manage it) is going to be painfully hard. Even more so if I don't get to sleep before midnight.

As much as I absolutely, positively love and appreciate the two weeks off, the adjustment back to 'the real world' is always so incredibly hard. My mind is mush trying to recall all that was 'pending' when I left two weeks ago....and I'm feeling a bit blindsided by the business that I know will ensue the minute I sit at my desk in the morning.

I am blessed to have a job that provides for two weeks off during Christmas and New Years. It's such a blessing to be off during these days...

Martin Luther King day can't come soon enough. Only two weeks until a three day weekend. That's a blessing....

I want to send a huge acknowledgment out to my husband who has spent the past two weeks cajoling, corralling and (sometimes) forcing an almost 18 year old to actually DO all the work he PROMISED he would do to be ready to transfer back to his former high school for the his last (we hope) semester of high school. J. is so much more patient than I am with these issues - I expect the kids to do the work on their own...keep track of things on their own. This is not realistic - most especially with the two boys I am most familiar with - and if not for J., H. wouldn't stand a chance. J. keeps track of every assignment; helps H. figure out the timing and staging of what should be next, etc. J.'s rarely (visibly) frustrated or discouraged - he approaches his 'second job' like he approaches all things in his life - patiently, willingly and gladly. H. really owes his dad a lot 'cuz without J., I don't think H. would be where he is. As it is, it's after 7PM on the 'last day' for H. to get a zillion things accomplished - and as (I) expected, there remains much to be done. H. had time for a lot of 'fun' stuff last week - and put absolutely every assignment off until the bitter end. So here we are - and where we'll be in a couple days, I don't know.

I put my foot down today with both of them - and told H. that his dad will most definitely NOT be going to these extremes to ensure H. is successful in college. College is a 'pay for performance' proposition in this house - and I told H. that we won't pay for college if he doesn't demonstrate during his final high school semester that he has the desire, willingness and ability to execute on those things as it relates to school work. If he progresses and keeps his grades decent, then we'll foot the bill for college - a semester at a time. But if he blows it and puts things off and doesn't do things when they need to be done without his dad being constantly vigilant, then we won't pay for college and he'll have to pay. Or make other arrangements. I am grateful to J. for all he's done to keep H. on track - and at the same time, I'm slightly irritated at the entire thing. The kid needs to be responsible for himself! When will that be starting, exactly? 'Cuz helping him to the degree J. has been helping him (he's not doing the work for him - not at all - but he is making sure H. knows exactly what's left and what needs to be done) isn't exactly helping to make the kid self-sufficient.

I have supported H.'s desire to go back to his old school because I totally understand that he wants to graduate with his friends. But I have a sinking feeling that in about four months, we're going to be in a situation where it will be abundantly clear that H. will NOT be graduating from his high school - OR any high school. Given the past few weeks, it's highly likely H. will not keep up and will be unable to fulfill requirements of classes where you don't have the flexibility of working when you feel like it. He has a huge, HUGE amount of flexibility in his current school - and that will be non-existent back in his former school. Didn't get an assignment done when it's due? Current school: no due dates. Kids work at their own pace. School he's trying to return to: not turned in when due is a zero. No makeups. Nada. Zip. And we've had plenty of evidence in his past three years attending there that 'zip' will be highly likely - even though he's not using any controlled substances at the moment.

The whole thing scares the crap out of me and I'm not really 'comfortable' with the plan. But I'm letting it go.

I just don't think H. sees how hard this is on J. But I do. He doesn't need a second full time job on top of all he already does in his current job(s) - as a banker, a husband, a father, a home owner, etc. I think J. is exhausted....I know I would be.

And I really think it's only just begun......

I think H. is putting a lot of pressure on himself by returning to his former school. And his past ability to handle pressure has also been catastrophically bad. He does not handle stress well - period. He just doesn't cope well - so it's really worrying me to have him go back to the pressure cooker environment he left.

I'd like to say I'm sure THIS will 'all work out'....but I'm not sure. And all the uncertainty is really hard for me to handle. And with all J.'s doing, I then get hard on myself - for being so pissy about it all. But where we've been and what we've endured with that kid is something I do not ever want to repeat....ever. For his sake. And for ours.

We start a new year. The first six months of 2010 sucked big time around here. Things improved greatly the second six months. So I'm just hoping we stay on the 'things are ok' path as we enter 2011.

We are too old for roller coasters. Way too old. Sunset Magazine says so (see previous post if you have no idea what I'm talking about).

March

I'm starting to think maybe I will just do a monthly post and call it what it is - whatever month we're in.  Here we are winding dow...