I Didn't Know

I didn't know that the last time I saw you......

would be the last time I saw you.


I didn't know that my urge to call you in recent months....

was for a reason. I didn't. I'm sorry.


I didn't know that your death would leave a hole in my heart....

but it has...and while I'm moving forward with less visible signs of grief, it is still there. That feeling that the entire world should KNOW that something in my life is not right is with me all the time - but they don't know. And they won't. I have a good poker face.


I didn't know how easy it would be to let go....

and yet, as hard as it is, it is OK. As predicted, my day to day life has not changed. Other than the frequent thoughts of you, which I apparently always had and didn't realize were as often as they are - only now, they are so prevalent - because they are met with 'oh, he's not here anymore. He's gone.' A tear in my eyes still arrives on a regular basis - but then it's gone, and life goes on.


I didn't know that faith takes on an entirely different meaning....

but it has. Your death is the first death I've experienced since my relationship with God became my most important relationship. And there is huge comfort in that faith - in knowing that you are not gone. You are just not on this earth. And I know I will see you someday. And I'm happy about that. And happy for you....because you are with Him and there's no better place to be, for a Christian. You said the Lord's prayer every night before dinner - and now, whenever I say it, I think of you. Still. Forever. Always.

I love you and I still miss you. And I always will.