Grief

So this is what grief feels like. You'd think after losing a father and a mother, and grandparents and uncles and cousins - you'd think I'd know what grief feels like. But I didn't, until now. THIS is grief. The feeling that you want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a long time - sleep being the easiest escape you can think of. Only you can't sleep. You just relive every single moment over and over and over....and wish you could go back in time and live it all over again.

Grief is feeling like you should be wearing a sign that says 'Fragile: Handle with Care'. Or 'This Side Up'. Or 'Contents Under Pressure'. Like everyone around you should really KNOW 'hey, I just lost someone who I love more than I can begin to explain'. But they don't. And when you try to explain, they look at you like 'um, OK, I'm sorry your friend died'. They were sweet and kind and thoughtful and considerate - but I know they just plain don't get it. At all.

I think they started to get it when I reminded them that my oldest son is named after this person. That I am living proof that teachers do have PROFOUND, LONG LASTING, LIFE CHANGING impact on their students. We work in education so that was something people could hang onto. As they tried to navigate with me through a day of 'things I have to do and I'm the only one who can do them' while I wiped tears from my eyes every few minutes.

I feel like I lost my dad....that's what he was to me. And I'm grieving - for him; for my relationship with him. And for my real dad, who I don't remember and didn't grieve for at all 'cuz I was too small to realize grief was the appropriate reaction.

So I lost my dad...only there's no services to go to. Those already happened - and I wasn't there. And I DO TRULY UNDERSTAND why that happened the way it happened, but it doesn't make my heart stop feeling broken - into a gazillion tiny pieces. Shattered.

I will try to call his wife soon. I don't know what to say, really. Her loss and her family's loss is so much more hard than mine...and there's never anything really to say at these times. But the phone is the only way I have to reach out and tell her 'thank you for calling to let me know' and that I am thinking of all of them. And will be for the rest of my life.

I miss him, too. More than words can express.