Foreboding

Today's post title says it all - that's how I feel. There's a sense of foreboding in the air these days, with me. I am filled with foreboding about the week ahead. Preparing for the trip. Making the trip. Leaving things at home....well, leaving them at home.

I took dragged H. to the grocery with me - breaking one of the HUGEST rules about grocery shopping: do not take a 6' 2" 17.33 year old male teen with you to the grocery store. You will spend twice as much as you planned. And most of what you purchased will be consumed inhaled within a day or two. I'll more than likely be at the grocery again before leaving for the weekend to stock up on easy-to-fix, quick things for teens. Either that or loading their Visa Buxx cards with cash and they can eat out all weekend.....

I'm not feeling 'connected' to H. these days - back to the days of him coming and going with little or no interaction. I'm not sure what to do about it, really - when he's here, he's making me absolutely crazy. I won't share details of things - but he's really pissing me off lately. So it's so hard to try to cross that bridge with him - to get past the zillions of little pissy things happening and try to get back to communicating better. Or communicating at all.

He's doing very well in school - J. is hugely assisting with the success by taking the time to map out each day's work. Gives H. a list of assignments to complete to keep him on track. We have a meeting with his school 'counselor' (Education Coordinator) to confirm he's on track and doing OK - the meeting is Monday morning and it's our first. So we're curious to see how it goes.

With all that's happened with H. in the past year, it's just still hard to fathom sometimes the things that are 'history' and yet still lingering. I have huge trust issues with him - I know I do. There's not even any real reason for them - but I can't shake them. I still am never really sure that he's being honest - though I try hard to think he is. I want to believe he is. But it's a constant struggle for me.

So the thought of leaving him alone for basically 24 hours is just not sitting well with me. A lot can go horribly wrong in 24 hours - with both of them, but in particular, H. Left to his own devices, he may 'hang' with people he shouldn't hang with and be tempted with things he shouldn't be tempted with - and not be able to resist. I worry a lot about that - in part because if he relapses, we will absolutely find out and then our 'serious consequences' come into play. And I don't really want to go there - but I know I will. He will be peeing into a cup for me within hours of me being vertical the morning I'm home - and within minutes of him being vertical the same morning. So if he's up to something he shouldn't be, I will 'catch' him.

Apparently all of the above combined with a whirlwind trip across the country, to three states in one day and repeating that two days later, combined with visiting family that I rarely see (including possibly seeing some family I have intentionally not had any contact with in close to 4 years) has led my hair to sprout more gray hairs than I've EVER had - and they're not just at my temples - they are ALL OVER MY HEAD. It's shocking how gray I realized I am this weekend - J. said 'well, are you going to self-color again or maybe try a rinse'? No - I'm just letting it go. On a good note, the texture of my hair is coarser and thicker (another reason I know I'm going gray). But wow...I'm really showing my age these days.

Poor kids - soon, they will have TWO parents with silver hair.

WW update for those interested: I've been VERY good all week - stuck to my points perfectly, including allowing for my two cheese enchilada dinner on Friday night. And I've lost a whopping 1/2 pound.....

I'm not using that low loss as an excuse. I'm sticking with it. We took Chloe for a walk yesterday..and I'm going to pick up my physical activity 'cuz I know that's key. At some point, my body's going to recognize that I am eating a lot less - and moving more....and then the weight will start to come off. Little by little.

Busy work week ahead - boss is on vacation so I'm hopeful I can 'catch up' a bit on some things. Though I'll be off on Friday so that makes for a shorter week.