Decades

Tomorrow is another birthday for a co-worker - she's turning 40. There are 4 women in our building (including myself) and three of us turned 50 this year - and tomorrow, the last big 'decade' birthday in our building will be celebrated. Our boss is turning 40 also - in November. It's been a year of milestones.

The one lone guy in our office turns 30 in a couple years...but 30's nothing.....

(Don't worry - we'll throw him a big shindig, too - it's our way.....)

We've had a good weekend here - much accomplished. Came home from working yesterday to find my husband busily painting the dining room ceiling. While he was at it, he also touched up the walls that needed touching up. The place looks all spiffy! Add to that new Crate and Barrel area rugs - such a deal! They were on sale (clearance) and 1/2 price. They look AWESOME! Really bright and pretty - and NEW. No stains. (These are much darker colors than the previous C&B rugs - so they won't show stains as much. And that's the whole idea behind having them - better to have stains on area rugs you can toss in the washer than on the carpet!).

We've been cleaning stuff out all weekend....started an official garage sale bin and it's already 1/2 full of 'stuff' that we've decided we would like to be soon parted from. Here's hoping. At the very least, those same items will be to Goodwill before the year's over - but if we can manage to sell them for any amount of cash, that would also be great.

Received some upsetting, shocking news today via email....a family member is critically ill and not doing very well. This is the first I've heard of the illness and it sounds like this person will not be on this earth much longer. It's brought to the surface and rubbed raw a lot of 'family crap' that is always intense and always hard to deal with. Our continued dysfunction is so sad in so many ways - and yet, none of us will do anything about it - including me. Someone asked 'so have you spoken to C. yet?'. And my internal reaction was 'no, why would I?' Not because that thought hadn't occurred to me - but because I haven't spoken to him in over a decade - why would that suddenly change now? It's not like I haven't at least made some attempt - I've sent messages via Facebook - no response. I receive a 10 word email for a Christmas thank you....that's about it. That's all the contact I've had with this family in over 10 years...so it's a little hard to pick up the phone and say 'hey, I'm so sorry to hear your wife is not doing well...'.

I lived with them my second year of college - and was closer to her than I was to my own sisters. That's not true now - my older sister and I are very close these days - but we weren't back then. So my brother's wife was like my sister. I had a lot of fun with her - and learned a lot from her. She is an amazing lady. And she's dying. And it makes me sad. Sad that I haven't seen her in over 20 years. Oh, I did see pictures of her son's wedding on Facebook (he's the nephew I found out was getting married on Facebook) - and had I not known to look for her, I wouldn't have recognized her. Still beautiful - just time doing it's thing and I didn't know it was her until the 2nd glance.

It was the same nephew who sent an email to me today to let me know - and I'm pretty sure his parents didn't know he was telling people. It doesn't surprise me a bit - we never heard about any milestones - no graduation announcements; no newsletters at Christmas. Birthday wishes stopped years ago...for all of us. They live in their own world....across the country from me.

My sister asked if I'd be going to any services - and I said probably not. Though I won't rule it out. It's hugely expensive to fly across the country on short notice - and I just don't want to spend that kind of money for something sad. The services will be hugely sad - but days affirming just how dysfunctional we are is not something I think I can do. No...wait....I'll be honest. I can do it. I am strong and emotionally tough and I can do it. I just don't want to. I really don't.

They are family - but the are not significant to me. I know that sounds incredibly harsh - and I don't mean it to. But my day-to-day life has had little to do with theirs in decades. DECADES. So the passing of someone I haven't seen in 20+ years isn't something that's going to suddenly draw me closer. It won't. I will be sorry for their loss - and sorry for mine. But it will be OK.

When I lost my dear Mr. B. a couple years ago, I really realized the significance of insignificance. I felt insignificant in his life - and I realize I was. His day-to-day life had absolutely nothing to do with me. I wasn't in his universe most of the time - I was just a former student. That's all. It hurt a lot at first to feel so slighted. To have not been invited to the services. His wife sent me a CD of the services - I'm sure she did that with the sweetest of intentions. But when the minister asked if there was anyone there who would like to say a few words about him, and no one went up to say anything - my heart broke into a zillion tiny pieces. Because I would have said something. I would have. And I think she knew that - and he knew that. And so the services were pre-planned and ready to go before anyone had any notice of them happening. The obituary was in the paper the morning of the funeral - no time unless you lived near there.

The people who were significant in his life were there. And they remembered him and shared stories about him - and those were amazing and wonderful. And I realized in that experience that the people you think are significant at one point in your life might not be significant at all at a later point. It's not that you don't care about them - you do. I still do. I love Mr. B. with all my heart and always will...and I will see him again someday and I can't wait for that. But I was not his family. I was not anyone central to his day to day living.

The same is true for my sister-in-law. I love her and think of her pretty often - had honestly had her on my mind a lot lately and now I know why.... But I won't rush to be with her during this time. She will be with those in her life who are the most important. Who are losing the most.

I do feel horribly sad for my brother - she is his whole world. And I can't imagine how hard this is for him. And I will get in touch with him....at some point. I don't know when - but I will. Because even if I am insignificant to him, he is my brother. And at points in my life, I thought he hung the moon - and kept it there. I remember those times....he'd bring jelly doughnuts and take me for ice cream. To Baskin Robbins. And I'd always get chocolate chip. And he'd say 'M., there are 31 flavors - why just plain old chocolate chip'? It was the same every time. Though he did finally get me to try strawberry cheesecake - and that was pretty darn good, too. After that, I'd get a scoop of each!

I do remember all those things.....