Chasm

The newest member of our family (my nephew's new wife) pointed out that all families have their own culture - the culture created over generations of events, lives, histories. When you think of 'culture', you usually think of ethnicity or race - but it's true - a family has a culture all it's own, created on it's own by all the people in it.

For my side of the family, our culture has a huge amount of non-communication involved. I've shared my journey of years of therapy - learning to speak - finding my voice.....so ya'll know that communication is not something you're born with in my family. It's something you learn. Or something you don't. I chose to attempt to get past the legacy - and it took a LONG time. When I tell people just how long I took myself to counseling every couple/few weeks, they usually look shocked or stunned - 'cuz if you talk to me regularly, I seem pretty 'together'. And yes, I am, thank you very much. But that didn't come 'naturally'. That came by reinventing myself and learning a lot of 'stuff' that most people would rather not know....digging deep into the things about your life and your family dynamic that most people would oh-so-much prefer to just leave undone. That didn't work for me....but many people manage to make it through life without ever digging that deep.....and whatever works for you is perfectly fine.....

I received some sad news earlier this week that a family member is dying. It has been a huge shock and as most sad family things do, it has rubbed raw a lot of 'stuff' that you think you're 'done' with - and then you realize you're not.

I emailed my brother expressing my shock and sadness and concern....and said 'there are no words'. Which is so true. There have never been many words....a relationship so distant, the lack of words between us is the least of the chasm that keeps us separate. I could write a novel about the stories and history that got us to this place - and it would be only my story. Everyone has a story and every member of my family played a part - and our stories stay inside us 'cuz who wants to go there? Not me. Sure, I'll be in therapy for many, many years and go there with HER - but no, I don't see me and my siblings sitting down together and hashing it out. Ever.

But when these life events come up, you feel - at least for a brief, fleeting moment - that maybe this will be it. This will be the event that shakes us all up enough to bridge the gap.

And then you realize - as you've realized thousands of other times in your life - no, in fact, this life event won't be it, either. The life event will happen...we will all make it through (in our own little cocoons, safely ensconced in our own stories)....and any reaching out which occurred during the event will quickly be forgotten. And the lack of any appropriate response from 'the other side' makes the retreat back to the selfish 'safety zone' oh so much easier.

My brother's wife died today. In an email to another family member, he said it was peaceful and he was by her side. There will be no funeral. No services. All per their mutual agreement about what would happen 'after'. A possible 'party' (wake) at some point - but no firm plans.

My cousin said earlier this week (via email) 'people die as they live'. And that was so true. At the end of her life, it was as it had always been since they were married - the two of them. Just them. There's something perfect about that, in many ways.

And there's something sad about that, too......

I hope my nephews are doing OK.

Rest in peace, J.L.M. You were very loved - even by people who haven't seen you in decades. Even by your two nephews who live with their mom and dad in California, who never had the pleasure of meeting you. Ever.

You were like a sister to me, way back when......and I miss you.